I love Australia because the Australian people are some of the best people in the world. They prove it over and over again by doing things like sending a single can of beer through the checked baggage at airport or airing Get Krack!n, one of the funniest TV shows to ever air anywhere in the world.
The Aussies are at it again, proving that they should be our closest political ally instead of the UK or Israel.
Our story begins with an annoying vegan woman. We’ve all met one of these people. There’s nothing actually wrong with being vegan, except basically all vegans are inherently annoying and just won’t shut up about it. An entire volume of the comic Scott Pilgrim, the basis of the movie Scott Pilgrim vs The World, was based on someone having superpowers from being vegan because author Bryan Lee O’Malley found it amusing that vegans always talk about it as if it gives them superpowers.
The other type of vegan is the one who tells you how evil you are for eating meat. That’s the type of vegan Cilla Carden is. In fact, she sued her neighbors for grilling meat and playing basketball. And she took the case all the way to the Australian Supreme Court.
Here’s what she told 9 News.
“It’s been devastating, it’s been turmoil, it’s been unrest, I haven’t been able to sleep,” she said.
Just based on that one sentence I hate this woman. Don’t you? She seems like the type who is likely to show up in the comments complaining about my poor journalism, so I’m going to reply proactively: “I don’t care, I’m an opinion writer, not a journalist, and my opinion is you’re an asshole.”
She also claimed to the court that her neighbors barbecuing and playing sports was done “deliberately,” presumably to harass her. The court threw her case and her appeal out because of course they did, she took her neighbors to court for grilling in their back yard in a country that has cookouts on Election Day at every polling place.
Well, Cilla Carden is about to get a dose of Australian hospitality as thousands of Aussies have signed up to attend a barbecue in her honor, right outside her house.
Seven thousand people have said they’ll be in attendance for the event, which will be held in on the lawns of participating neighbors and have food trucks parked in their driveways. And no vegans are invited.
The post Thousands of Australians Signed Up For a Barbecue Just to Fuck With Annoying Vegan Neighbor appeared first on The Blemish.
I’ve been dating an Australian woman for a few years now and if there’s one piece of advice I can give you it’s never tell an Aussie they’ve had enough to drink. You’re only ever going to get one answer to that and it’s going to be “fuck off ya’ cunt, I’ll tell you when I’ve had enough to drink.” It’s like trying to take food out of your cat’s mouth because your cat has pica and he’s trying to eat a piece of cling film you left on the counter; you might be doing the right thing but it’s going to be painful.
A United Airlines flight crew learned this lesson the hard way when they cut off model and Miss Australia Finalist Adau Mornyang telling her she had enough to drink.
I feel like the flight attendant is lucky Adau only slapped her because with those legs she could have kicked her from at least ten feet away.
Luckily for her, she won’t have to deal with Melbourne’s weather anytime soon, because after being convicted of slapping a flight attendant, she could spend the next 21 years in prison. Which seems excessive.
According to the Justice Department, she was convicted of “interference with a flight crew,” which sounds like something made up after 9-11 like taking your shoes off at the airport, but means she could spend the next 21 years in federal prison. And she only slapped her, it’s not like she flipped her over the drink cart and hulked out yelling “I’m the captain now, bitches!”
Be a pineapple. Punch a stewardess because she won’t give you any more merlot.
The post Former Miss Australia Finalist Convicted of Assaulting a Flight Attendant, Faces Decades in Jail appeared first on The Blemish.
Just when I thought I knew everything I’d ever need to know about the universe from 5th grade science class, I get tossed a screwball. I had no idea that every year a woman is crowned captain of the universe for a full 365 days. What an honor it must be for Miss Universe Australia Francesca Hung. The universe is a huge place. And to officially be the hottest woman around in the trillions of galaxies within the universe seems like it can be overwhelming. But Hung looks like she’s handling being the hottest pretty well.
Who would have thought that the best looking babe with a body that’s out of this world could be born right here on Earth? For future reference, she’s allowed to invade my world any time she likes. Miss Universe just seems like a very heavy title. And I’d like to lift some of that weight off of her shoulders. Since being beautiful is full-time work for her, I can be her errand runner. Or schedule her appointments and remind her of things when she forgets. Like now. It seems like she forgot her top. I can make sure she never forgets her bra again if she hires me. I’d have a backup bra and a big smile on me at all times.
Photo Credit: Instagram
Australian Ferry to Be Named ‘Ferry McFerryface’ Because the Aussies Don’t Backpedal on Internet Polls Like the Brits
You may remember that a while back, the United Kingdom’s Natural Environment Research Council held an online poll to name a research ship. Internet voters resoundingly decided on the name Boaty McBoatface because if there’s one thing that can unite people on the internet, it’s a silly meme. Well, the NERC ended up naming that ship the RRS Sir David Attenborough because the British are pussies who don’t know how to have fun.
You know who are a bunch of good cunts who know how to take a joke? The Aussies! Yes, in Australia men are men, Jim Jefferies is an intellectual, tap water is alcoholic, being surrounded by deadly flora and fauna is considered a leisurely stroll and Ferry McFerryface is a perfectly acceptable name for a ferry in Sydney Harbour. And after winning a vote among Sydney residents, they will indeed name a new harbor ferry Ferry McFerryface.
Minister for Transport and Infrastructure Andrew Constance said they wanted to avoid a double up.
“Given Boaty was already taken by another vessel, we’ve gone with the next most popular name nominated by Sydneysiders,” Mr Constance said.
“Ferry McFerryface will be the harbour’s newest icon, and I hope it brings a smile to the faces of visitors and locals alike.
You see that, England? That’s how you take a joke. If the public wants to call a boat Boaty McBoatface, you call your damn boat Boaty McBoatface, not just some dinghy. Let people have a bit of a laugh, it won’t kill you, you stuffy, uptight public servants.
When voting opened Mr Constance urged the public: “Let’s really generate some of the best names possible.”
And they did. Ferry McFerryface. I can’t think of a better name. Actually, I can think of one. The RSS Dude Who Headbutted Tony Abbott. That’s a real Australian hero who deserves a boat named after him.
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3D printers are one of the most impressive and useful bits of technology we’ve seen that isn’t a smartphone or a laptop that weighs two pounds. 3D printing technology has revolutionized certain industries like car manufacturing and life-saving surgeries, and has made it possible to create amazing things like 3D-printed kidneys made from a patient’s own living cells, thus eliminating the need to wait for donors.
3D printing is the future, but like all good things, there’s a downside. And that downside is 3D printed guns.
In 2012, the US group Defense Distributed designed plans to make a plastic 3D-printed gun at home, and these plans could be downloaded and used by anyone who owned a 3D printer. Obviously, in 2013, the United States Department of State demanded the removal of these instructions from their website. But clearly, the idea and use of a 3D-made gun has not disappeared, and could pose huge problems to gun control legislation not just in America, but around the world.
Take a look at the definitely impressive gun that mechanical engineering student James Patrick has produced, a gun that fires up to eight bullets between reloads. The entire gun is 3D printed except for an elastic band spring, a metal firing pin, and steel rods as detectable metal. It is the world’s first functional 3D-printed repeating firearm printed with a consumer printer.
Australia’s response? Not so fast.
Australia has taken measures to crack down on producing not just 3D guns, but the instructions to make them.
Lawmakers in Australia recently amended their Weapons Prohibition Act of 1998 that banned guns, adding that it is now a crime to own the information necessary to produce the guns. If you’re caught with the blueprints, you can face up to 14 years in prison.
Australia isn’t the only country to go head to head with 3D-printed guns. In the United States, 3D-printed guns are illegal to manufacture without a license; with a license, a metal plate must be inserted into the plastic body so the weapon may be detectable. In the United Kingdom, it is similarly illegal to create and own an unregistered, homemade printed gun. Japan was the first country to arrest someone for owning five functional 3D guns.
However, policing the ownership of 3D guns is even more complicated and difficult than it is to police the ownership of regular ones.
The post Australia Cracks Down on Consumer-Made 3D-Printed Guns appeared first on PopCrunch.
A WORLD EXCLUSIVE | Music superstar @Adele? opens her heart and her studio – 8.10 SUNDAY on #60Mins https://t.co/VCri6PZQh8
— 60 Minutes Australia (@60Mins) November 16, 2015
Adele’s comeback has been a cultural phenomenon. Since her single “Hello” and its accompanying video broke just a few weeks ago, so did the record books. Adele has long been one of music’s greatest talents, and her new album 25, out this Friday, November 20th, will likely be no exception.
Ahead of her album’s release, Adele gave an interview to 60 Minutes Australia, in which she gets honest about her history with music, the way she’s “dealing” with herself, and that she is, as she calls it, “an emotional wreck.”
But the most swoon-worthy part of this teaser for the interview comes toward the end, when Adele gives a live performance of another sure-to-be-hit song named “When We Were Young.” Her vocals are characteristically impressive, making the days between us and the album that much more difficult to bear!
The song, co-written with Tobias Jesso Jr., is another heart-wrenching ballad that echoes “Hello”‘s themes of nostalgia and longing for a lost love. Lyrics like “It was just like a movie / it was just like a song / when we were young” sound like classic Adele, albeit with a slightly more mature edge. It looks like Adele has grown into an even better singer and performer than she once was, and I can’t wait to see her further develop as an artist.
And seriously—Friday had better hurry up already.
The post Adele Teases Preview of New Single ‘When We Were Young’ Ahead of Album’s Release appeared first on PopCrunch.
Amazing footage caught by Youtuber Jaimen Hudson shows a remarkable sight: two whales swimming up to an Australian paddle boarder to say hi!
The video itself is beautiful, capturing Australia’s Southern Ocean in the town of Esperance, gliding over the pristine beaches and into the water. This gorgeous film was shot by drone, and it’s vivid in its beauty. But what truly makes this video remarkable is the chance encounter of a paddle boarder and local resident of Esperance, Dave Price, having a bit of a moment with a whale duo.
Set to Jack Johnson’s cover of John Lennon’s “Imagine,” the video is mesmerizing and almost languid in its beauty. The paddle boarder Dave Price seems to have paddled up to the two whales, and photographer Hudson said he never considered that the whales meant Price any harm:
“I set up my equipment on the footpathand flew the drone out…Dave Price who lives close by, was just making his way over to the whales on his stand-up paddle board and they were really inquisitive and came over to meet him.
“I don’t think it was dangerous, the whales moved to where he was and the whole time they were very slow moving and peaceful.”
This video has sparked huge interest since it was uploaded on September 24th. Many have seen the video and praised the 4K video quality, the song choice, and the power of drone photography to capture moments like this.
But the true beauty of the video is simpler: it’s a natural moment between humans and animals, neither one wishing harm on the other. Just a simple meeting. So many people are responding positively to the beauty of this video, and the decision to match the footage with the message of “Imagine” is hardly a coincidence.
The post Whale Duo Hangs Out With Paddle Boarder In Amazing Drone Footage [WATCH] appeared first on PopCrunch.
We all do crazy things when we are 22. Some of us have a lesbian experience or go on a cruise to Mexico with our most insane friends, while others go the “burn a penis with cosmetic tool” route. Bronwyn Joy Parker, I’m talking to you. In her defense, however, she admitted to always being a rather jealous person and warned her boyfriend upfront that she would do this if he cheated on her. Maybe he thought she was joking or playing. Either way, he decided to test the waters and hook up with his ex, so Parker had to fry his fritter.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, people!
Parker pled guilty to recklessly causing serious harm to her ex and received a 9-month prison sentence. During the sentencing, South Australian Judge Paul Muscat addressed the courtroom:
“In short, his penis will be scarred for life [Ed. note: Yeah, I’ll say…] and he will suffer from a number of issues, including the proper function of his penis, not to mention the cosmetic and psychological problems associated with the scarring to such a sensitive site.”
Parker’s counter argument was on point. She stated to the police after the burning, “It didn’t look too bad. It just looked as if I had cooked a piece of meat.” Well, if I’m not mistaken, Parker, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID!
Maybe in the 9 months Parker spends in jail, her ex will find the irony in this situation and learn to laugh about it later. A burn for a burn, bitch.
Now, enjoy this YouTube video of an egg being cooked on a hair straightener and imagine that it’s your dick.
(H/T Daily Mail)
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