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Candice Swanepoel’s Supermodel Bod To Get Through Your Week’s Hump

I am going to go out on a limb and guess Candice Swanepoel does not have allergies, because if she did I doubt we would be seeing her doing cartwheels through a field of flowers. But with all the editing that gets done to these shoots she could very well be on some soundstage in New York, far from the pollen that plagues nature.

There is something mildly unsettling to me about walking through a field while not being able to see the ground. To me it is the same as swimming in open waters. Who knows what is lurking just out of sight?

There could easily be some snake, or a bear, or a graboid waiting to nip at your ankles. And then what happens? You die in horrible agony, all because you wanted a cute photo.

No thanks, Candice. I am happy to rely on my poor photo editing skills to get my upvotes, so you can feel free to rub your tookus on all the flowers in the world. Maybe you can even start selling them as your signature brand after that. I’m sure I’m not the only one who thinks they’d go up in value after that.

 

[Candice Swanepoel’s Hot Shots Right Over Here]

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA

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EmRata’s Scandalously Small Bikini In Gorgeous Photo Shoot Candids

Man, no one, but no one can get into the headlines as consistently and for as good a reason as Emily Ratajkowski. Whenever she’s in the headline, it’s because she did something sexy. She’s not in the headlines because they’re dedicating a new wing to a children’s hospital in her honor. She’s not in the headlines because she discovered the cure for the common cold.

No, Emily Ratajkowski is in the headlines for being sexy. Always, all the time, it’s always because she did something or just was sexy out somewhere. She’s like a headline machine for sexiness. She’s not like the Kardashians who make headlines because they took a shit in the shape of the Virgin Mary or started a new line of underwear for women with exceptionally large asses.

No, Emily’s different. She’s only grabbing headlines because she’s grabbing our attention. I like that, there’s no expectation of a transaction involved the way there is with a Kardashian. They’re like, “Made you look, now spend fifty dollars on crap you don’t need.”

So rest assured, when you see Emily Ratajkowski’s name in a headline, a sexy time is sure to follow. No strings attached… except maybe bikini strings. But that’s only once in a while.

Photo Credit: MEGA

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Farrah Abraham All Smiles In Shimmering, Busty Bikini

Of course Farrah Abraham was all smiles this weekend. You see, once upon a time, everyone’s favorite Teen Mom was supposed to have a charity boxing match this weekend, but then that all went to hell and she spent the weekend soaking up the sun in a bikini.

If that’s not a win, I don’t know what is. If you had the choice between hanging out at the beach in paradise or pummeling some other third rate “celebrity” in a ring somewhere, you’d be in a speedo faster than I could say TKO.

Don’t pretend this wasn’t a genius marketing move on Farrah’s part. She gets to not do the thing she said she was gonna do and she still gets publicity on the day she decided not to do it. If that’s not landing on your feet, then I don’t know what is.

Farrah does seem to have that cat-like ability to always land on her feet, which is good for her. Not everyone is so fortunate in this world. Lots of women thought they were cats and turned out to be… some other animal that doesn’t land on its feet. Good for Farrah, always keeping things cat real.

[All The Rest Of These Farrah Abraham Busty Hot Shots Right Here]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Carmen Valentina Flaunts Her Sandy Cheeks In Sextastic Beachside Candids

I do not know where Carmen Valentina gets the entitlement to think that she can where a bathing suit like that in a public and not be harassed, but I blame her parenting. Her father is probably a cop and her mother is likely a grizzly bear. And I’m talking about a little grizzly bear. That combo probably made it so that a teenaged Carmen was able to wear whatever she wanted with no repercussions, so long as her father was on her side and the grizzly was well trained.

I know of certain cultures that have their women wear special braces from childhood in order to elongate their necks. I think something similar happened with Carmen because there is no other rational reason for her waist to be so small in comparison to the rest of her body. She must have been wearing a XXXS corset since she was ten in order to keep that figure.

I would think that undergoing something like that would leave her core weak, but she seems to have no trouble keeping herself upright without assistance. That is more than I can say for myself, and I have never even worn a corset.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Lisa Appleton’s Big Giant Swimsuit Cleavage

It is a bold move by Lisa Appleton to bring that glass of wine out there with no protection. It is only a matter of time before some sand gets in there and almost ruins it. Of course, any self-respecting wino will not let that deter them from still crushing the glass. They’d simply clench their teeth together as an impromptu filter, and any sand that does get through would be excused away as being good for digestion.

I have heard that some animals swallow stones to help break down their food. I do not know if that applies to humans, but it seems like a human rights violation if it doesn’t. Who is nature to tell me that eating rocks is bad? I don’t remember voting it into office.

Now, I’m not saying that Lisa is a wino, but she might be frugal so letting something go to waste just wouldn’t be in the cards. And sand should be the least of her worries. There is a whole ocean out there filled with fish-piss soaked water and all it wants to do is get everywhere that you don’t want it. That is why we get so much flooding. If Lisa lets her guard down she’ll find that wine glass turned into a fish bowl of filth.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Blonde Bikini Girl Alysia Kaempf Flaunts Her Perfect Body In Curvy Photos

Alysia Kaempf can feel free to crash my party anytime. Because it really isn’t a party until she shows up. I don’t throw too many shin digs these days because there really isn’t too much to celebrate when you’re living out in the sticks. But after seeing the body that Alysia is working with, it’s officially time to break out the balloons. Maybe even some confetti and a couple of party time caps. I hope she likes to boogie on the beach because I plan on bringing some amazing tunes.

It may be impossible to find a woman that’s steamier than Kaempf. She’s hotter than an overheated radiator completely deprived of coolant. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason why she’s chugging down so much water and sitting on the edge of the ocean. With a hot chassis like that, she has to constantly keep cool or risk a meltdown. I want to be her water-boy. I’d make sure she’d never need to ask for a refill as long as I’m around. I’d even bring a portable fan along just incase the breeze slows down. And if the batteries ran out I’d blow until I turned blue. Anything to keep her happy.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Nude Bikini Bubbles: This Week’s Hottest Bikini Celebs Ashley Graham, Courtney Stodden, and More Edited To Look Extra Nude

It’s late on a Thursday which means only one thing if you’re on Egotastic! It’s time for Nude Bikini Bubbles where we take the week’s hottest bikini babes and put these bubbles over their bikinis and make them look naked! So who have we got this week? Let’s check it out!

Courtney Stodden is up first and what is she supposed to be, like 23? Gimme a break. She does look great when she’s faux nude though, so that’s a plus. Ashley Graham is getting the job done and her bikini was tiny enough that it leaves very little to the imagination for the bubbles.

Melissa Riso might get my vote for hottest of the week and her bikini-less bubbling makes her even hotter than she already is, and that’s REALLY saying something. Zara McDermott’s candy striper bikini may not be getting the job done, so removing it is the way to go if you ask me!

Heading into the home stretch we’ve got social media superstar YesJulz, and we go out on one hell of a high note thanks to the always sexy Claudia Romani! It’s been quite an edition this week, we’ll see you back here next week, same bat time, same bat channel.

Photo Credit: Splash News / MEGA / Backgrid USA 

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Kara Del Toro Is A Bikini Goddess

Is it possible for a model to trademark a pose? I feel like Kara Del Toro has the “bend and lean with one arm resting on one leg” look down pat. She probably has a more succinct term to describe it, but that is the best I got aside from “boner material”.

Maybe it isn’t necessary for Kara to trademark the look. She looks so perfect doing it that she probably scares away any other model from trying it. No one wants to be compared to perfection if they cannot cause people to question their original notion of what perfection is. You don’t see many people voluntarily comparing themselves to Bert Reynolds, the peak of male perfection. They’d be laughed out of the room and have to live as a hermit in the Philippines.

How Kara manages to get that belly dimple when she bends has me questioning her physiology. In a normal body that would cause at least a couple of wrinkles to form, but her skin is as smooth as a dolphin. It just has some divots. Maybe she did what Marilyn Manson didn’t have the guts to do and actually got a rib removed.

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Courtney Stodden Loving Her Own Curves In Neon Bikini

Can you really blame Courtney Stodden? I can’t think of one single reason to be mad or surprised or shocked that Courtney Stodden is snapping a selfie of her awesome cleavage. She’s got some great cleavage, that bikini is blowing my mind, and if I was there I would want to take a picture of Courtney Stodden’s awesome bikini body.

I know people who take selfies can be annoying, mostly I find it annoying when they take more than two. If you can’t get it right after two, you ain’t going to get it right at all. On the other hand if Courtney Stodden in her neon bikini and awesome cleavage wants to take 500 selfies, then go right ahead. Heck, if her arms get tired from holding up her camera she can always do the timer or find a very lucky person to snap some pics for her. I know if I was walking by I’d be honored to snap pics of Courtney Stodden in a bikini. Of course, I’d have to ask to take one with her, but that would be after I wake from passing out due to Courtney Stodden in a bikini being near me.

You take those bikini selfies Courtney Stodden, As long as you remember to post a bunch of bikini selfies online, no one is going to be bothered by you snapping away. In fact, I would bet we’d be asking for more, more, more Courtney Stodden bikini selfies.

[Courtney Stodden’s Hottest Pictures Right Over Here]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Don’t Miss Ashley Graham’s Curvy Bikini Photo Shoot Candids

Oh Ashley Graham, will you ever stop being sexy. I mean, probably when you’re 90, but not anytime soon, and that’s such a blessing for the rest of us. I don’t want to live in a world where Ashley Graham isn’t sexy.

That would be like living in a world where ice cream tasted like water or a rainbow was just one color. It’s not fun or enjoyable in any way, shape, or form. Thank goodness we don’t have to live in that world and that the world we live in is one that has a sexy Ashley Graham.

I can’t imagine looking at these pics of Ashley Graham and just throwing your hands up and saying, “Seen it!” It’s not a fun way to go through life. A fun way to go through life is to get to the end of the gallery and then start all over again, surprised by how sexy Ashley Graham is even after starting at her for an extended period of time.

We can all look at the glass as half whatever you want, but at least the glass has water in it and at least Ashley Graham is sexy. It’s the only way to keep going in such a miserable world.

[More Bikini Hot Shots From Ashley Graham Right Here]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Caroline Vreeland’s Ridiculously Busty Swimsuit Candids

Take note of the ingenuity that Caroline Vreeland has utilized in order to fit herself into that swimsuit. Do you think she bought that swimsuit off the rack like that? Hell nah, but she liked it and they didn’t have it in her size, so she did what she had to in order to make it work.

In this case she needed to call back a style from the mid-00s. Back then girls would intentionally cut their shirts up each side and then tie them together like they were Indian princesses in buckskin. I always thought it was a silly fashion fad, but apparently it was useful training for the future. Maybe I was wrong about other “useless” fads as well, like taxes and sobriety.

For her sake, I hope Caroline knows what she was doing when she tied those knots up the sides of her suit. Those little strings are under a lot of stress thanks to those knockers. I don’t trust myself to tie my shoes, so I certainly wouldn’t trust myself when public indecency is at stake. I do not know if that is a crime a beautiful woman can be charged with, though.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Alessandra Ambrosio Skips Victoria’s Secret Show For Nippley Swimsuit and an Extra Tiny Thong

Alessandra Ambrosio is one of the most perfectly put together women on the planet, and if you doubt that statement, I present to you these amazing beach pics of the Victoria’s Secret beauty soaking up the sun in a teeny bikini. The kind of bikini that can only be worn by a woman with an impossibly perfect set of body measurements.

The only thing I question about Alessandra Ambrosio’s choice of bikini is the color. That is one drab ass color for a bikini and one that doesn’t do her incredible body justice. At the same time, it’ll be great later in the week when we can bubble out that hideous dark grey monstrosity and see Alessandra’s best bits.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I think we should revive Jukebox Selects and take a listen to Ambrosia’s “The Biggest Part of Me,” one of the smoothest god damned songs ever written. Alessandra Ambrosio is a smooth ass woman and her name is only one letter removed from one of Southern California’s smoothest bands.

Open the gallery in a new tab and hit play below  for the maximum Ambrosio/Ambrosia goodness!

[All The Best Bikini Hot Shots From Alessandra Ambrosio]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Jo Orthey’s AMAZING Bikini Shoot Showcases Her Red Hot Curves

Jo Orthey is carrying around that longboard like a college kid with an electric guitar. We all know it isn’t going to get used, but she is getting a lot of looks just for having it. I think that is for the best. I do not want to risk her hitting a rocky patch in the road and marking up that body. Unless she promises to only ride it when she is following behind street sweepers I don’t want her feet to even touch it.

I suggest that her agent should super glue those wheels so that Jo cannot even give in to the temptation of riding. When your job is to specifically look like you are in mint condition, like you have been in a coma up until the day of the photoshoot, it is pretty reckless to use a longboard as transportation. How much time is it really saving? I have a hard time believing it saves any time. If she ran she would be using two legs. When riding she is only using one. Two is more than one, so running should be faster. That’s just simple math. If she is really in a rush to get somewhere she should take the much faster and safer mode of transportation, hitchhiking.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Snapchat Queen YesJulz Showcases Her Sexy Hips In A Bright Green Bikini

I had no idea that real royalty existed on the Snapchat platform, but now that I know, I couldn’t be more grateful to get a glimpse of the Snapchat queen YesJulz. I’m going to guess that her name is indicator she’s a woman you don’t say no to. I like it. She has my permission to ask me anything and I would fulfill her request without thinking twice. I’m not a cellphone selfie kind of guy. But maybe I should be if women like her send pictures of herself to strangers. I’d love to exchange pics with her.

I’d argue that looking at YesJulz in a mint colored bikini is more refreshing than wrapping your mouth around a mint drop after eating garlic and onions. I get an even better tingly feeling just by observing her. I also see she’s into meditation. Me too. Except the reason for me to clear my mind is so I can focus on thinking about nothing else but her. I don’t even need to do anything fancy like cross my legs and hum. Sometime I just stop and drop whatever I’m doing and her image becomes a welcomed infiltrator inside my cranium.

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Sofia Richie Goes Wild In Perfect Animal Print Thong

Sofia Richie is nothing if not late to the party, with her famous father and sister sucking all the air out of the fame balloon. Thankfully, Sofia’s figured a way to keep that balloon bouncing, baby, and it’s thanks to her publicity grabbing antics like this one: hanging out on a yacht, looking stunning in an animal print bikini.

Sofia looked at a world which had more or less collapsed under the weight of apathy toward the Richie family name and she breathed new life into it and gave it a brand new, and very sexy way forward. Sofia Richie may not have the hit-making talents of crooning dad Lionel, but she certainly knows how to get attention without the help of a sexy ass hook.

Sofia Richie’s hook is her amazing cleavage and bikini body, which she enjoys showing off on the regular. It’s like a national pastime for the Richie family, and Sofia has turned it into an art. Now if she could just convince her mom to stop beating the shit out of her dad, and all will be right with the world.

Actually, scratch that. So long as Sofia Richie keeps showing off in these teeny bikinis, all will be right with the world for the foreseeable future.

[Sofia Richie Down Under Right Over Here]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Farrah Abraham Showcases Her Intense Curvy Butt Workout Routine

The genius part about working out on a boat is that the natural unsteadiness of the vessel activates your stabilizing muscles, leading to a more intense workout. Now, unlike all of those other schmucks that wasted their money on trampolines and inflated balls, Farrah Abraham is getting the workout of a lifetime for the low low price of a yacht. I guess there is a reason why people in landlocked trailer parks do not have bodies that are anywhere near as similar to hers.

If I had access to a boat like hers I might follow her lead and start exercising, but without the boat what’s the point? That would be like wearing a Porsche jacket when you drive a Toyota. In this simile my body is the jacket and the boat is the car. I’m not sure if that was clear.

I think it is high time that out of shape people start a fitness routine, record themselves doing it, and then market it. Every fitness routine on the market has fit people performing it. I don’t need to see that. What I need to see is other people getting into shape with me. I am much more accurate at judging other people than I am myself.

 

[The Sexiest Bikini Wedgie Shots From TMZ]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Amber Rose’s Loves Long Walks On The Beach, Displaying Her Busty Cleavage

I do not know if I will ever get used to the sight of the sweater meats that Amber Rose has curing on her chest. They are never more apparent than when she is strolling like this at the beach, but I do not know if there is clothing in existence that is capable of making them look scarce.

I am not sure why Aber felt the need to wear a dress that is so big out there. Just because it is baggy does not mean it is more effective at protecting her from the Sun, I think. But maybe that is why my fun bits always turn pink from a day at the beach. Maybe It is not the best idea to wear white underwear as a swimsuit.

If she is worried about protecting anything she should be thinking about those tattoos she has on her arms. Leaving those exposed will result in fading the likes of which she will not see again until her career goes ten more years down the road. I suppose being bundled up from head to toe kind of defeats the purpose of going to the beach though.

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA / Backgrid USA 

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Bikini Girl Zoe Salmon’s Hard Nipple Beachside Candids

I would appreciate it if Zoe Salmon would finally give up on her obsession with having the fittest tummy in the business. It gets to a point where it just makes the rest of us feel guilty. I do not want to know what a belly can look like if it is properly nourished and exercised. I would rather think that our natural shape is supposed to look like we are smuggling bowling balls everywhere we go.

Seeing Zoe proudly displaying her abdominals while she runs through the water makes me think I should be doing more. I mean, I think that for a very brief time, then I move on to thinking about which leftovers I am going to heat up for dinner. Because if there is one thing that can make you content with the state of your body it is reminding yourself why you don’t go the extra mile. Just like a soldier fighting a war taking place half a world away, we need to be reminded what we are fighting for. I am not going to let a moment of weakness make me give up the good fight.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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HalloWeekend Bikini Roundup: Zoe Salmon, Farrah Abraham, and The Best Bikinis From The Skintastic Weekend Before Halloween

All the ladies that weren’t out parading their Halloween costumes this weekend—and some that were—could be found soaking up the sun in smoking hot bikinis! Join us as we take a look at all this past weekend’s hottest bikini babes!

First up is the magnificent Metisha Schaefer, who was absolutely red hot in a red bikini! Next up we’ve got Zoe Salmon in a mismatched ensemble that screams: I didn’t do laundry before this yacht trip!

Following Zoe is the foxiest boxer of the moment, Farrah Abraham, who was getting ready for her boxing match out on a boat. Great training technique, I must’ve missed the montage in the Rocky movies where he went out on a yacht and sparred. Coleen Rooney was also on a yacht this weekend, enjoying a little bubbly and showing off in a pink camo bikini!

There are plenty of other hotties in here to enjoy like Anitta, Winnie Harlow, and even some bonus Metisha Schaefer. That broad clearly won the weekend with her hot looks on the beach. Ah well, it’s always sad to start the week, but we’ll be back next Monday with more weekend bikini sexiness!

[See Farrah Abraham Pulling A Thong Wedgie Out Of Her Big, Round Ass]

Photo Credit: Backrid USA / MEGA 

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Farrah Abraham’s Incredible Curves In Bikini Fitness Photo Shoot

Farrah Abraham is showing herself to be a true daredevil by the way she not only sits at the bow of a boat, but is also willing to fearlessly pull out her phone for a selfie. I have no stats to back this up, but I am fairly certain that the bow is the most dangerous area of a boat. It used to be down with the coal shovelers, but that job hasn’t existed for a couple years at least (I don’t know, I’m not much of a seaman). Riding in the front of a boat is basically like hood surfing on your drunk friend’s car while he goes driving through a cornfield, so it obviously has all the dangers of that activity as well.

I bet the future treasure hunters are going to be searching the sea bottom for lost phones. Eventually there will be an invention that can undo the damage of water to electronics (I read about it in a comic) and by then all of those phones will be considered vintage items. Thanks to the irresponsible there is a fortune down there just waiting to be drudged up.

 

[See Her Picking A Wedgie Out Her Big Round Ass Right Here]

Photo Credit: MEGA / Backgrid USA 

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Miss BumBum Contestants Put On A Curvy Coven Bikini Show In Spooky Pics

Would you get a look at all of these big booty witches putting their lives on the line in order to spread the joy that is caused by seeing their minimally clothed bodies. The danger of course lies in exposing themselves as practitioners of the dark arts. I assume there are more than a few witch hunters still walking around that would love to plant their stakes in any one of them. Witch hunters are probably the descendants of those that were falsely accused of witchcraft, like those poor souls in Salem. Clearly all of that confusion was caused by the real witches, so I can see how the victims children would hold a grudge.

I do wish these witches would have put a little more planning into their little get together. Maybe then some of them would have known they needed to bring their black hats. Thankfully there was a construction zone nearby and these gals were able to snag a few traffic cones. I hope they returned them when they were done as well. I do not even know where they would go to buy replacement cones. I think the same ones have been in circulation for 70 years.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / Splash News 

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Plus-Sized Model Ayesha Perry-Iqbal Bares Her Super Curvy Bikini Bod In Poolside Candids

I appreciate that Ayesha Perry-Iqbal is practicing proper pool etiquette by draping her towel over the lounger that she is using. Why everyone cannot be as considerate is a question that I have been asking since I was a germophobic child.

Listen people, just because we are all at a public pool using our bodies like human teabags in bathtub of ass soup does not mean that we need to give up on all standards of living. Certain practices do need to be suspended in order to enjoy such things, but once the body is out of the water those same practices need to be reinstated.

Just because your body was submerged in water does not mean it is clean. And just because your body is wet does not mean that you are not sweating. You are, and it is gross. I understand that those rubber strips on the chairs do not absorb moisture like typical fabric would, but they also never get cleaned, just like the duvets at hotels. So please put a layer of something between yourself and the chair that someone else will be sitting in when you are done.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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EmRata Lighting Up Instagram With Tons of Amazing Big Butt Thong Shots

Emily Ratajkowski is eye candy of the sweetest kind. I enjoy bubble gum, chocolate bars, and all other types of confectioneries, but Emily is my absolute favorite. And the best part is that indulging in her doesn’t add on any unnecessary calories. I’ll take two scoops of her any day. I’m actually quite sad that summer is over in my area since Emily seems to be attracted to sunny skies and warm weather. It would have been nice to have a Ratajkowski sighting in the wild at a beach near me. No worries. The best things in life always require a little looking and a little bit of effort. I’ll break out a can of elbow grease and get right to work on searching where she could possibly be. She looks way too beautiful to not be a snow bird in search of the best destination to show off her bikini.

I feel like if it came down to it, I’d explore the edge of every ocean, and swim across several seas just to see a sliver of her shadow on the sand. When a woman’s silhouette is worth that kind of trouble I can’t imagine what I would do just to get a good glimpse at her good side.

[The Hottest Shots From EmRata Over Here]

Photo Credit:  Instagram 

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Weekend Bikini Roundup: Bella Hadid, Alessandra Ambrosio, and All The Hottest Bikini Model Cleavage

Is it Monday? Are you breathing? Well then, have I got great news for you! It’s time for the weekend bikini roundup, that popular weekly segment where we take a look at all the hottest hotties that were soaking up the sun over the last three days!

Kicking things off is Alessandra Ambrosio who’s looking hot in a bikini, though her choice to wear a Woody Allen hat to the beach is somewhat questionable. Bella Hadid is looking pretty in pink, up next, and she knows just how good she looks. You can tell, just check out her wry smile.

Alexandra King is something of a cheat to put in here since she’s wearing a one-piece, though it might as well be a none-piece the way she’s rocking her perfect cleavage! Next up is Johnny Cougar’s daughter Teddi Jo Mellencamp, who was rocking a mint green bikini and looking stunning!

Bethenny Frankel is very important because she can make a phone call in the ocean, and busty beauty Brielle Biermann is looking all kinds of amazing in her ravishing red bikini. This was a weekend to remember for many reasons, but let’s bask in these seventeen reasons for the time being.

Until next Monday!

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / MEGA / Splash News 

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Nikki Lund Puts On A Curvy Beachside Smoke Show In Busty Bikini Pics

Nikki Lund looks as promising as a return of Baywatch with me starring as David Hasselhoff’s replacement. It could be an entirely new rebooted series and Nikki can be my replacement Pamela Anderson. I’ll get to work on writing a script and hopefully some Hollywood hot shot accepts my pitch. It would be an amazing show. I know if I’m capable of saving a fish from drowning I can sure save someone in need. And sharing lifeguard duty with Lund is a dream come true. Even if it is only for a fictional television show.

I’d make sure I’m first in line to administer CPR to Nikki should she ever need it. I genuinely care about her safety and well-being. But I’d doubt she’d need any saving from me as her figure suggests she’s an agile mermaid in the water. I’m more shaped like an agitated puffer fish but together we would make a great team. I’d even bring her dinner every evening. There’s nothing like fine dining on a beach balcony while watching the sun go down. She’d have no chose but to fall for me the same way the sun falls into the horizon everyday towards the end of our shift.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / Splash News 

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Porn Star Carmen Valentina’s Delicious Bikini Curves On Display

Carmen Valentina should change her name to Carmen Valentine because all I want to do is give her chocolate, gifts, and my heart. I’d even be willing to meet her on the beach way earlier than February 14th if necessary. There’s just something about her that makes me focus harder than a dog that has just seen a squirrel. Or a squirrel that has just seen a nut. Maybe cupid is working overtime this year because I feel like I’ve been hit in the back with a love arrow after looking at her.

I wish Carmen had invited me to tag along with her to the shore. I would have made sure we scored a blue sun dome to shield us from the sun. It looks like she wasn’t able to get one. I became a handyman exactly for scenarios like this. I would have built shade for her if it was the only option left. She deserves to be protected from harmful sun rays and the barrage of constant compliments that come her way. Sometimes being beautiful is a full-time job and her body and face clocks in early and leaves late. With me around, she’d be able  to take the day off. Even though I know that’s impossible for her to do because being hot looks like it’s ingrained in her DNA.

 

Photo Credit: Splash News / Instagram 

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Nude Bikini Bubbles: Demi Rose, Hailey Baldwin, And All The Weeks Celebrity Bikini Pics Bubbled For Maximum Nude Effect

Hey hey hey, what do you say if we play our favorite new game today! That’s right kiddos, we’re back with another exciting round of Nude Bikini Bubbles or whatever the hell we’re calling it. I can’t remember, it’s been a whole week! Alright, who’ve we got for you this time around?

First up is supremely busty beauty Demi Rose Mawby. Or is it just Demi Rose? It changes so often I can never remember, but my goodness she looks amazing bubble naked! The newly minted Mrs. Justin Bieber, aka Hailey Baldwin, is up next and she’s looking mighty mighty fine with only the bubbles on her!

Graziele Francine is up next, and even though I’ve never heard of her before, I’m liking what I’m seeing. Maria Jade’s tattoos managed to escape the bubbles as well, which is a nice turn of events for tat fans. Nikki Lund is out on a limb and looking great with the help of our helpful bubbles!

Blanca Blanco’s bikini clearly covers too much as the bubbles can barely do anything on her top half. Chantel Jeffries is looking spec-rack-ular thanks to the bubbles, and we close things out with fan favorite Rena Riffel. Honestly is there a better way to spend your Thursday evening?

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA / Backgrid USA / Splash News 

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Meet Plus-Sized Model Makela Saint Fort And See Her Hottest Bikini And Lingerie Shots

For those who enjoy their hamburgers with extra cheese, Makela Saint Fort has got the feast your eyes have been yearning for. Her chest pillows look like they would be so soft that they could turn any man into Rip Van Winkle. I do not know about the rest of you, but a quality pillow is essential for a good night’s rest in my opinion, almost more so than the mattress.

That is why I never understood why ol’ Rip was able to sleep outside for so long. I have a hard time sleeping through one night regardless of how much liquor has been ingested. Why I don’t upgrade my bedding materials is a complicated issue. See, the more welcoming my home is, the more likely people are to want to stay over. That leads to many problems, not the least of which being me having to update everything in my apartment.

It does not matter to me how uncomfortable my own bed is, sleeping next to someone else is always worse. It is like having a living, breathing uncomfortable pillow trying to sleep on you. Makela might be a workaround to that experience by turning her into the pillow.

 

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Eiza Gonzalez, Master of the Outrageously Sexy Bikini Selfie

Growing up in the 90s, I was a fan of From Dusk Til Dawn. It wasn’t the greatest cinematic achievement, not the biggest awards film, it didn’t make or break anyone’s film career, but it was a good time at the movies. And when you’re a teenager that’s pretty much all you can ask for. So, when I heard about the series From Dusk Til Dawn I wasn’t that thrilled. Then I saw Eiza Gonzalez and I was totally fine with it.

If you haven’t gotten to lay eyes on Eiza Gonzalez then I feel kind of lucky for you because this will be your introduction to her. Eiza Gonzalez in a bikini is probably the greatest first introduction any of us will ever have. I get that we aren’t really meeting her and if we did meet her, especially in a bikini, we’d probably pass out, but still if you’ve never seen Eiza Gonzalez what a great day for you. It’s also a great day for the rest of us because we are also seeing Eiza Gonzalez in a bikini.

Frankly if you’ve seen Eiza Gonzalez for a million times or just a handful, seeing her in the bikini is going to be something none is will forget. Eiza Gonzalez in a bikini is something we will all want to store in our memory banks.

[Eiza Gonzalez’ Hottest Shots Right Here]

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Courtney Stodden’s Ridiculous Poolside Curves In Mismatched Bikini

I just can’t look away from a very attractive Courtney Stodden cooling off in a pool. She’s more mesmerizing than Medusa. I’d stare until I turned into stone. I’d need a designated watcher to watch me watch her. Just so they can occasionally tap me on the shoulder to remind me to eat. Because I’d definitely forget what time is supper time when looking at Courtney is an all day feast for the eyes. Maybe if I’m lucky she’ll allow me to join her. I have a set of his and her arm floaties for safety, a pool noodle for playtime, and enough towels to double dip in the pool again after we dry off if we wanted to. I guess you can say I’m prepared.

But what I may not be prepared for is the kind of love that comes from a woman as hot as Courtney. She makes me so weak in the knees that I may need a wheelchair if I plan on walking next to her. Just being around her in the summer would be the best day ever. Outside, soaking up sun and Stodden. I couldn’t wish for a better day if I had a personal magic genie.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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