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Sailor Brinkley Tiny Strapless Bikini Candids

Wow. It isn’t very often that we see a model on the other side of the camera. This feels like some weird surrealist art piece. What is going to come next, Joe Namath being thrown around on the beach by a couple of college kids wearing football costumes? I’m not saying that I hope for that to happen to Joe in his old age, but I would be impressed.

It must be almost as surreal of an experience for Sailor Brinkley being on that side of the camera. Even when she has taken her selfies she is still seeing herself in the frame. I wonder if she looks through that camera lens and wonders why she isn’t there?

Something else that is pretty surreal is that her name is Sailor, but she is mostly on the land there. She should think about changing her name to Lander.

These photos have surrealism on top of surrealism, and I’m not only using that word because it was on my word of the day calendar, although that is part of it. But having surrealism on top of surrealism is in itself pretty surreal.

 

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA 

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Stop and See All The Red Hot Bikini Shots From Instagram Model Charly Jordan

Charly Jordan is the finest thing to float on the water since the days of Moses being a river baby. She may not be able to part a red sea, but she can sure part a red two piece bikini and it still be considered a miracle. I wonder if Jordan also has a set of ten commandments. Like “Thou shall not stare too long at all this amazingness.” I’d probably break that commandment every time I see her. So I need to remember to bring my sunglasses so she can never know how long I’ve been looking. Because if looking at her for a long time is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

If Charly is a fan of water, then I’m a fan of water. Frolicking in the ocean and other bodies of water is an activity that we should do together. What’s this world made up of? Like 70% water? Why travel to explore Europe when you can travel to the local creek and explore what the majority of the Earth’s surface is. Land is pretty overrated in my opinion. All I need in this world is water and Jordan next to me in a bikini.

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA 

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Abby Champion Surfboard Tiny Bikini Curves

It seems like everyone and their mother knows how to surfboard these days, which is kind of making it lose some cool points. I was fine with the grandpa from Johnny Tsunami surfing back in the day, but I think he set a bad precedent.

Some people just have no respect for the sport, but that isn’t me. I understand the repercussions if I am seen doing something, and I take that into account before deciding whether or not to do it. That is why I would never surf. I know the sight of my pale hairy legs on a board would cause lifelong surf bums to trade in their boards for a suit and tie. That is the same reason why I do not wear Doc Martens. Those are the only shoes that some crusty punks own. I can’t be responsible for destroying their image.

I think more people need to have that kind of self-awareness. Don’t take this to mean I am criticizing Abby Champion for picking up the board, though. I fully support her performing any sport that requires her to ride, gyrate, or wear a swimsuit. Surfing covers all three.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Actress Meredith Ostrom Pictured In A Busty Striped Bikini

Maybe I’ve just seen one too many Meredith Ostrom movies, but I really thought she always went topless to the beach. I guess she has to abide by all the same rules and regulations as the rest of us, but it does seem like a damn shame because Meredith Ostrom has some awesome boobs. But hey, Meredith Ostrom’s bikini cleavage ain’t that bad either.

Nude beaches are a little tougher to find than they should be, so Meredith Ostrom has to rock a bikini. Again, not upset about Meredith Ostrom in a bikini, she’s got a fine bikini body, sweet cleavage, and all the rest, but Meredith Ostrom has awesome boobs. And she should be free to let them out, if she so chooses. You know, someone should run for office with the sole purpose of creating nude beaches that are easier to find. That way if Meredith Ostrom was to go topless, she can go topless. Or just make all beaches clothing optional. I don’t know, I’m just spitballing here because I know we’d all enjoy Meredith Ostrom topless on a beach.

But let’s not get bogged down in the politics of nude beaches, let’s dive into enjoying Meredith Ostrom in a bikini. She’ll get to a nude beach soon enough, but there ain’t nothing wrong with Meredith Ostrom in a bikini either.

 

 

Photo Credit: Splash News / MEGA 

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Ada Nicodemou Sideboob Freckle In Mismatched Bikini Candids

Ada Nicodemou isn’t easy to say. I’m pretty sure I’ve never said Ada Nicodemou correctly and I do feel bad about that. In order to make myself feel better, I’m going to try and say her name while staring at sideboob freckle. It’s just the cutest damn thing I’ve ever seen.

I wonder if Ada Nicodemou has any matching freckles? Like on a part of her boob we can’t see or maybe one on her rear end. I’m telling you, I just love a girl with freckles. Always have, always will. It doesn’t matter if they have a lot or just one on their sideboob like Ada Nicodemou, if they have freckles, I love them even more. I will say I think Ada Nicodemou’s sideboob freckle might be my favorite freckle of all time. That is unless she has another somewhere that’s cuter. I don’t know if that is possible, but we’ll never know until we see it. If there is another freckle that is.

I bet Ada Nicodemou is used to people getting her name wrong. It’s hard when you got a name like Ada Nicodemou. At least she’s nice enough to show off her cleavage and freckled sideboob even though a lot of us say her name wrong. That’s a really nice gesture, Ada Nicodemou. I hope I said that right.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Caroline Vreeland Big Busty Cleavage In A Stunning Bikini

I think it is entirely possible that Caroline Vreeland has the string of her swimsuit tied so tightly around her waist some of her organs have been forced up into her chest. And if that isn’t the case, I have no idea how her boobs got to be so big. I mean, her gut does look like it is short a couple kidneys and maybe a foot of intestine.

I do not know how she can stand having that string wrapped around her abdomen. I can’t stand having the drawstring of my swim trunks tied around me even once. That is why I usually just go ahead with it being left untied. Does that mean one rogue wave can pants me like I’m back in middle school? Sure, but I’d chalk that up to fate.

I like to think I’m living in one of those Final Destination movies, but instead of Death trying to kill me, I have Fate trying to pants me. I used to live in fear, but I have grown to accept it. A man can only live in fear for so long before he finally cracks. I cracked long ago, and now I have no qualms with someone seeing my crack.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / Splash News 

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Nude Bikini Bubbles: This Week’s Sexiest Stars In Scandalous Bikinis Edited To Look Totally Nude

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the week when we take the hottest bikini pics from the past seven days and apply our magical bubbles to them to make them disappear! Or at least, appear to disappear! That’s right folks, it’s Nude Bikini Bubbles time, so let’s get to it!

First up, busty beauty Lauren Sanchez really benefits from the bubbles, thanks to her commitment to pushing up her cleavage! Ella Rose is up next, looking bronzed and beautiful, she honestly looks like a statue in the ocean now, gloriously put together for all to enjoy!

Sailor Brinkley’s barely-there bikini just melts away thanks to our bubbles, while Bianca Peters’ closed off posture maximizes the bubbles’ magical effect. Lameka Fox is looking hot as hell, though I hope she’s in search of a cheeseburger, because she needs to put some meat on them bones!

Finally this week we have Ada Nicodemou and Vogue Williams, the latter of whom definitely looks incredible when her bikini gets bubbled away. We’ll be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel, with more Nude Bikini Bubbles, because if it’s Thursday and there’s only one day left in the week, you’ll get your Nude Bikini Bubbles… or your money back!

Photo Credit: MEGA / Backgrid USA / Splash News / Instagram 

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Rachel McCord’s Smoldering Hot Hard Nipple Bikini Shots

Rachel McCord is wearing a bikini. It ain’t like any bikini I’ve ever seen, but they are telling me it’s a bikini. I guess it’s okay because Rachel McCord’s body is so dang hot it needs its own style of bikini. Can’t expect Rachel McCord to walk around with super hard nips in some off the rack bikini.

I’ve no doubts that Rachel McCord has worn are regular bikini before, but that’s probably because the top bikini designers hadn’t created one just for her yet. Now they have and I think Rachel McCord should only wear this bikini from now on. That might limit her bikini options, but that doesn’t bother me. I don’t know if it would bother anyone else. The amount of Rachel McCord bikini sexiness that is happening with this little red number is off the charts. And I bet you they come in different colors. I’d love to Rachel McCord and her pokies in a black bikini like this.

I bet you Rachel McCord would make one hell of a splash at any beach wearing this bikini. Though, I bet Rachel McCord would make a splash wearing this bikini anywhere! She might just be wearing it for a photo shoot, but man I hope she enjoys the sun and sand in this bikini and shares her awesome adventures on Instagram or something.

 

 

Photo Credit: Splash News / MEGA 

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Mary J Blige Definitely Still Got It In Truly Wild Bikini Pics

What we are looking at is a body that has been on this earth for close to fifty years, at least that is what they want us to believe. I have my own theories regarding that, which involve nosferatu, but until I gather more evidence I am forced to keep them to myself for legal reasons. But until the day comes that I have my smoking gun, I will appreciate the sight along with the rest of you.

What I like to see in these photos is that Mary J. Blige puts safety first at all times. So many people have been lost at sea, and yet we still pretend like it is all fun and games out there. But not Mary. When that boat is in motion she has her butt firmly planted in her seat, or else she has both hands holding onto something. Did you think she was hugging that person our of affection? Hell, no. That hug shows the person that if Mary is going overboard then so are they.

And what does Mary do when she has to walk down stairs without a railing? She puts her back against the wall and feels her way down, like a blind person. That is very smart, because who knows how much she was drinking.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA / Getty Image 

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Vogue Williams Dynamite Bikini Body In Curvy Candids

I don’t know who Vogue Williams is, and having just written an article about Serena Williams, I’m tempted to say that they’re related. Doesn’t Serena have a sister with a first name that’s also the name of a magazine? I could just be confused. It wouldn’t be the first time and it sure as shit won’t be the last.

Vogue Williams is a person. She is a female person and she has sexy female parts. She puts those parts into skimpy swimwear and then parades them around for everyone to see. I understand that such a string of sentences could apply to a large number of people, but today it just applies to Vogue Williams.

Vogue Williams grew up under the tutelage of Anna Wintour, who named her after the magazine she edited, and the rest is history. The only problem is that none of that is correct. Well, the stuff about her being female and having parts, that was all true, but the rest was nothing more than a bunch of good old fashioned hogwash.

So remember the facts: Vogue Williams is a woman, with woman parts, and she’s sexy. And so are her parts. As you can see.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / Getty Images / Splash News 

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Farrah Abraham Rose Petal Bath Is Practically Heavenly

I feel confident in saying, if I was in that room I would look exactly like the statue sitting next to the bathtub. That is to say, my face would look content as all hell, I’d be hard as a rock, and enough fluid would be pouring out of me to fill any receptacle.

I do think that it is self-defeating to take a bath with rose petals. When you get out aren’t they going to stick to your body? At least, that’s what always happens to my car when I park under a tree during a storm.

I’m not only against bathing with rose petals. I’m pretty much against bathing with any flower because I think they will all put you at risk of the dangers noted above. Roses do carry the extra risk of thorns getting mixed into the bath. Every now and then I get a bone my filet of fish and it scares the hell out of me when I bite down on it. I can only imagine the horror a person must experience when their b-hole sits down on a thorn.

Farrah Abraham is a professional, though, so I am sure she has enacted the proper precautions for an experience like that. Like making someone else get in first.

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA 

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Model Delilah Belle Hamlin Sizzles In Revealing Bikini Shots

The genius behind wearing a bikini like that while you are at the beach is that it will give Delilah Belle Hamlin a temporary whale tail. That will really come in handy later if she feels like not wearing underwear, but still wants to draw eyes while she is walking through the food court of a mall.

It isn’t like this is a typical thong either which would give her a thin little dolphin tail. This is a bikini that is doing some deep cave diving in that crack, which means she is going to have the tail equivalent of a blue whale. All she needs now is some low-riding jeans and she will be the Belle of the ball at any mall of her choosing.

I don’t think men have any tanlines in their arsenal that are as sexy to women. The only nickname our tanlines have is “farmer’s tan”, and that is hardly a tsunami inducing look. It is kind of sad that the farmer’s tan does not get more respect. They are hardworking people that feed the world. I don’t know about you, but that is pretty damn sexy.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Girl on Girl Bikini Wrestling From Delilah Belle Hamlin & Suede Brooks

I miss the days of GLOW and Foxy Boxing as much as the next guy, and thankfully there are some quasi-celebrities out there who like when we reminisce about such things. Take famous besties Delilah Belle Hamlin and Suede Brooks. Not only do their first names make them sound like a 70s SoCal duo recording smooth-ass music when put together and separated by an ampersand—Delilah & Suede—they also look hot as hell wrestling at the beach.

There’s nothing like a little girl on girl bikini wrestling action to kick the early part of your week into high gear, but there’s something extra sexy about it involving Delilah Belle Hamlin and Suede Brooks. If this were just two rando girls bikini wrestling, I might watch halfheartedly for a while before wandering on down the beach to see if any corpses have washed up on shore.

Because it’s two hot ladies that are marginally famous, however, I want all the details. I want stats, I want to know who landed the first punch, and I want to see one of these ladies get suplexed. Is that really too much to ask for? Some guys just aren’t content to have sexy ladies wrestling on the beach, I guess.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / Splash News

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The Sexiest Stuff From Tim Tebow’s New Fiance, Former Miss Universe Demi-Leigh Nel-Peters

Good on the Tim-ster for locking that hottie down. I am so happy for him right now, as I get for any man who manages to snag himself a babe. Despite all of that, I could still do without him being in these photos. Just because he constitutes one half of this engagement does not mean he gets to turn the engagement photos into a total sausage fest.

No one cares what the guy looks like who is getting married, so I don’t see why he needs to waste his Saturday getting pictures taken. Just let the girl go off and get the romantic shots that she wants while you stay home and drink. In my opinion, that would be a good way to start your marriage off right. It tells me that you each care about the other’s happiness. How could that not be a good omen?

It is a fact that the more time you spend around someone, the higher the chances get that you will hate them. Think about it. Most of the people you hate are people you have met. So if you barely spend time around your spouse then you will probably stay married for the rest of your lives.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / Twitter 

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Georgia Toffolo Keeps The Sexiness Coming With Smiley Cleavage Candids

Georgia Toffolo is clearly no beachside newbie. She came prepared with the proper items for a successfully fun day. She has herself a skirt to give her legs a break from the Sun. She has herself a banana, which brings its own protection against the sand. And she has herself some playing cards, which are also easy to keep free from the sand. The only thing I don’t see is alcohol, which I find hard to believe is the one thing that she has forgotten.

Maybe the alcohol is simply out of sight, or maybe something more sinister is afoot. Maybe this is one of those fascist beaches that does not allow alcohol. That should have never been a thing, and yet for some reason they still exist.

I don’t understand how alcohol laws can even be enforced at a beach. You are barely even in the country when you are at a beach, it is practically international waters so I don’t think we are under the jurisdiction of local law enforcement. The same applies to beaches at inland lakes. I’m pretty sure no country owns that water since it fell from the sky at one point. Someday I might be able to test this theory in a court of law.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Candice Swanepoel’s Supermodel Body In A Tight Little Bikini

If I remember correctly, the saying some smart person said one time goes like “all that glitters is not gold.” Which is true. Because sometimes gold glitter comes with Candice Swanepoel attached. And that’s better than gold. So I hereby officially change the phrase to “mostly all that glitters will have a chance of being greater than gold if Candice is the one with the glitter.” My lord is this woman a hot tamale. Even when she hasn’t spilled arts and crafts all over herself she’s a hot little number. And by hot little number I mean close to the temperature of the sun. Who knew that you could stuff something so hot in such a small bikini. Brave Candice. Standing ovation.

Candice really puts the “swan” in Swanepoel. I haven’t seen a more attractive woman in ages. I’m not that old, but you get the point. The woman is built like an elegant egret. I believe that she should have her own show. Because a beauty like hers needs to be documented. I’m willing to do the following and the filming. The only problem would be doing the voiceover as being in the presence of a woman as hot as her would leave me speechless.

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA 

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See Jeff Bezos’ New GF Lauren Sanchez In Busty Bikini Candids

I do not want to get too cynical about this so quickly, but a large portion of my brain activity is being taken up by this nagging thought. How long is this relationship going to last after Jeff Bezos goes through with his divorce?

I am not meaning to taint this blossoming love affair. I wish Jeff and Lauren the best, I just don’t know what a woman can see in a man who loses half of his fortune. That doesn’t set the tone for a very secure future, does it?

If he can lose billions of dollars in the blink of an eye due to divorce, what is to say he can’t lose billions more in another divorce? If I was Lauren I think I would start examining other options for myself.

The only lucky one coming out of this scenario is MacKenzie Bezos. Thankfully, she saw the writing on the wall and got out of there while he was still the richest man in the world. I am not normally one to entertain conspiracies, but I think there might have been some insider trading going on there. I think someone tipped off MacKenzie about the impending divorce.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Belen Rodriguez Busty Floral Bikini Candids Will Make Your Week

Belen Rodriguez in a bikini does more than just make my week. She makes me weak in the knees for months on end. I need answers about how a woman blossoms into something so eye catching. Because I’d love for someone to grow more of her. One bouquet of Belen, please. I bet she chose to wear a floral print bikini because she knows that she’s a beach flower. Just when you thought it was impossible for anything amazing to grow on the beach. Here Rodriguez comes to prove everyone wrong. She’s better than any other natural appearing resource at the beach, like driftwood or seaweed. And most of the other hot babes that naturally wash up along the shore.

I applaud Belen for making my week great again. I grow tiresome of it around Tuesday. But thanks to my eyes tag teaming her amazing body, I’ve been cured of the boredom. I may need to bring out a bottle of water to cool down. The thought of her is getting me pretty hot. That’s one lady that will always make me reach for a bucket of ice to pour on my head after seeing her.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Model Fern McCann Poses On The Beach In Skintastic Bikini Shots

These bikini shots are beautiful and all, but I can’t help but wish there was a little more. What has really been missing from my life is a glamour shot of Fern’s gully. And unlike in the movie of its namesake, I wouldn’t be heartbroken if some loggers were to come along and deforest the area.

Some places are a little more welcoming when the shrubbery has been pruned. I feel the same way when I go to the beachfront. I don’t want a bunch of reeds sprouting up from the ground. I can’t lie down on them, and if I walk without shoes then they give me papercuts between my toes. And that has got to be among the top five worst places to get papercuts. The first obviously being in my own gully.

The beach that Fern McCann is at seems to be properly maintained, though, so her feet are probably in the clear. As she prances around she’ll have no worries about papercuts, syringe pricks, or diaper stomps. It truly is a glamorous life that some people live. Maybe someday I’ll get to visit a beach like that.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / Splash News 

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Nude Bikini Bubbles: This Week’s Hottest Celebs and Bikini Models Bubbled For Totally Nude Look

It’s everyone’s favorite time of the week when things are finally calming down, the weekend is around the corner, and we bubble out the bikinis on your favorite celebrities from this past week. That’s right, it’s everyone’s favorite new column Nude Bikini Bubbles! Let’s see who’s getting bubbled this week.

First up is the always gorgeous Candace Swanepoel, whose barely there bikini disappears with ease, giving the illusion of her enjoying some alone time in the buff! Right around the corner, though, is Julissa Neal, who had an even tinier bikini and looks even nakeder than Candace!

I don’t know who Kazzy Crossley is, but I like the look of her when she’s bubbled! Belen Rodriguez’s profile pic makes the bubbling slightly less effective, but Madison Beer will get you all frothy when you check out her looking nude as hell!

Bianca Peters looks absolutely stunning when her bikini is bubbled out, while Padma Lakshmi’s bikini was just a bit too big to make the bubbling effect work properly. We close things out with Pia Miller, who rocks a bubbled out bikini with the best of them! It’s been a hell of a week and we’ll be back next week to bring you even more Nude Bikini Bubbles!

Photo Credit: MEGA / Backgrid USA / Splash News / Instagram 

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Joan Smalls Ridiculously Sexy And She Knows It In A Little Bikini

Damnit, Joan! How many times do you have to be told this? If you want the beach umbrella to do its job then you are going to have to actually get under it. You cannot have it both ways by being both cool and tanned.

I do not know why she thinks she can improve upon her already perfectly bronzed body anyway. You don’t see me trying to improve upon perfection. The only thing to do once you have scaled to the top of that mountain is to sit on your ass eating Cheetos while heckling everyone else up on their climb. If Joan Smalls was not so determined to fight against her destiny, she could fulfill it underneath that beach umbrella.

The worst part is that because of her stubbornness no one is using the umbrella. That means pretty soon rodents are going to take up residency underneath it. Rodents always move into the places people do not want to be. Sometimes they move into the places we do want to be, as well. They are very selfish animals.

Everybody like to complain about beach bums, but one purpose they serve is scaring away all living creatures from the area.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Mariah Carey’s Undeniably Gorgeous Bikini Pics

What kind of a deviant goes for a night swim in a pool that she has all to herself and doesn’t go for a skinny dip? That is a huge red flag for me, I gotta say. That is the kind of thing that serial killers do because they do not want to draw any attention to themselves. Like, they don’t want to drive over 55 miles per hour on the highway because they do not want to risk getting pulled over with a body in the trunk.

So what I want to know is: What’s Mariah Carey’s secret? What is she trying so hard to keep hidden? Maybe there is a metaphorical body in her metaphorical trunk and a skinny dip would show it to the world.

I, on the other hand, have nothing to hide. I will skinny dip at any time of day, aside from whatever hours children are at the pool. I am confident enough in my agility to be able to outmaneuver any security guards that chase after me. It is a tough job to catch a naked man when he is wet. I’m actually surprised more criminals do not commit the act when they are naked.

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA / Splash News

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Sarah Hyland’s Zesty Bikini Candids

As we all know “Sarah” is a pretty popular name. We all know tons and tons of Sarahs. We have the nice Sarah, the tall Sarah, the mean Sarah, the fun Sarah, and so on and so forth, but let me tell you, my favorite Sarah of them all is Sarah Hyland.

I don’t know Sarah Hyland personally, I don’t know I would be able to communicate with her if I was in the same room, but man she’s totally my favorite Sarah, maybe of all time. And I’ve known a lot of Sarahs in my day. Hey, we all need a celebrity crush or five. Mine is Sarah Hyland. Nothing wrong with that, nothing with at all. Even if she isn’t your number one crush, there is no way you aren’t loving Sarah Hyland in a bikini right now. And you’ll be thinking about her for the rest of the day, mark my words.

[Sarah Hyland’s Hottest Model Shots Right Here] 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Happy Birthday: Nina Dobrev’s Most Skin-Filled Scenes From ‘The Vampire Diaries’ For Her Big Day

I am going to give The CW network a participation trophy for everything they’ve done for cable TV. Normally, I am staunchly opposed to such awards being given out, but I think it is apt for this situation.

When it comes to getting awards for sexiness there is stiff competition, and lingerie shots are not going to get you to the podium. Making their station compete against HBO and Cinemax is like making a little league baseball team play against the Red Sox. Not exactly an even playing field.

But bless their little hearts, The CW is giving it their all. Of course, that means there is an inflated number of twenty-somethings playing the roles of high schoolers, but I think that is for the best. No one wants actual high schoolers in those roles because it makes the viewers feel like creeps.

That means there is going to be a fair share of middle schoolers who have inflated expectations of what high school is like, it is only natural. What we need is not for our TV shows to change, but for our school teachers to step up and set them straight. It’s what they are paid for, after all. My teachers ruined a number of dreams for me.

 

 

Photo Credit: Mr. Skin 

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Salma Hayek Busty Boobs In The Surf

One would think, after all these years, that the sight of Salma Hayek’s big beautiful breasts would get old, but to those who think that, may I present exhibit A…

https://www.instagram.com/p/BsLVj0HF2Cm/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link

That do anything for you? I know, right? Now, how’s about we take a look at exhibit B…

Hachi machi, amirite? Salma Hayek not only still has it, she’s still got a corner on the market, she’s still large and in charge, and yes, she is still in it to win it. There’s no doubt in my mind that Salma Hayek has it figured out and I couldn’t care less that she’s not letting us in on the secret. I just like looking at her figuring it out, making it work, and then doing it all over again.

I imagine you feel likewise. That tingling sensation running down your spine as you gaze at Salma Hayek’s massive breasts in the water is more than enough to keep you going for a day or two. And the best thing is, the feeling comes back every single time you look. So look often, look long, and look hard, because you’re going to want to keep that Salma Hayek feeling going all week long!

Photo Credit: Getty Images / MEGA / Instagram 

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Alessandra Ambrosio Curvy Model Shots In A Nude Swimsuit

If you squint with the just the right degree of openness, you can look at these pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio in a nude colored swimsuit and it will look like she herself is nude. You’ve really got to perfect the degree of squintiness—I find that somewhere around 60/40 open/closed is ideal—but once you get it right, you’ll never be able to look at these pictures of Alessandra Ambrosio the same way ever again.

Granted you can’t see nipples, but the right amount of squint will make it so that that doesn’t matter anymore. I just sort of chalk it up to the squinting, but you can certainly pretend that you can see her nipples. Or you can pretend that she’s got those nipples that are the same color as the rest of her breast. That’s a pretty decent mind trick.

So keep working on your squint and before you know it, you’ll be thinking Alessandra Ambrosio is nude. Yes, in the technical sense, she is nude because she’s wearing a nude swimsuit, but you know what I mean. Keep practicing and before you know it, you’ll be seeing the magic as well. Think of it as one of those Magic Eye things from the 90s.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Rebecca Scott Dynamite Tanned Bikini Curves Are Perfectly Showcased In White

Having an appreciation for beautiful things, I can stare for hours at something. Looking over every detail, looking for something I’ve never seen before, and just loving the overall image. Now, I’m not talking about paintings on a wall or anything, I’m talking about the art of wearing a bikini. Let me tell you, few make it more beautiful than Rebecca Scott.

I’m not knocking art here, paintings and sculptures and all that business, I know those artists work really hard at their work, but look Rebecca Scott in that bikini. I don’t know if she had to work all that hard because she is really damn hot, but you don’t know that. She could have spent hours and hours in the bikini store trying bikini after bikini until she found the one that showed off her curves the best. Plus, she might have had to find a bikini color that looked the best with her tan. Rebecca Scott may have put in more work than someone painting a picture of a field of corn is all I’m saying.

Some people love art, some people love Rebecca Scott in a bikini, and most people say Rebecca Scott in a bikini is art. I’d bet you that people who love art also tend to love Rebecca Scott in a bikini. And if they don’t, something is wrong with them.

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA / Backgrid USA 

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Rosie Huntington-Whiteley Red Hot New Bikini Pics

I don’t blame Rosie Huntington-Whiteley for looking down as she walks up those submerged steps. I have played the fool many times by being overconfident in my stepping abilities, only to bang my toes on the edge. For some reason, having it happen under water makes it hurt even more. Even the smallest bump is on the same level of pain as stepping on a lego. Maybe that has something to do with the confusion of not knowing where the pain is coming from at first.

At least it looks like the water Rosie is getting out of is clean. She can actually see the floor. Even if I was looking into the water that I normally swim in I wouldn’t be able to see anything. It’s usually so murky that I have to assume eels and piranhas are beneath the surface, rather than confirming them by sight.

The moral of the story is that you should never be too sure of your footing when walking in water. No one looks sexy when they are clutching one foot in pain while floating in the water. You naturally end up in the fetal position.

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram / Splash News 

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Who’s Hotter: Sexy Bikini BFF Edition With Reality Star Danielle Lombard and Model Jessica Crib

You should know by now that I enjoy a great bikini battle. Hot bod everywhere is how I like to enjoy the beach. I’m somewhat of an unofficial scorekeeper and referee when ladies want to go head to head. In one sandy corner we have the gorgeous Jessica Cribbon. In the other sandy corner we have the lovely Danielle Lombard. Cribbon seems like she was born ready in her bright yellow bikini. I don’t think I’ve seen a woman that looked so much like a seductive ray of sunshine until I laid eyes on her. She’s getting an 11 out of 10 from me. Don’t ask me how that’s possible. Ask her how she got so hot.

Lombard’s other name must be lady luck. Because she looks like nothing but good fortune in her white two piece. Forget betting on black or red. I’m placing all my bets on Danielle. She also scores an 11 out of 10 from me. Looks like we have a tie. You can boo about the results all you want, but giving out scores is something I take very serious. These women are evenly matched in the heat department. I’m up for a rematch if both contestants are up for wearing smiles and bikinis tomorrow.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / MEGA / Splash News 

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Dua Lipa Yellow Bikini Candids Are The Perfect Way To Start The Year

I applaud Dua Lipa’s sense of adventure in dropping those bikini straps in order to get a little bit of Sun where it otherwise wouldn’t reach, but I think it was an unnecessary risk. Mind you, this is coming from a man who makes a living off of celebrities actually showing more than they intended to.

I guess I am too much of a stickler for the rules and conventionality. I just feel like if you are going to wear a swimsuit then you had damn well better wear it the way that it was intended. Now isn’t the time to put your own personality into it. Dropping those straps is like breaking the warranty on a piece of electronics. You are not using it the way that it was intended, so you shouldn’t be surprised when things go south.

If Dua was really concerned about getting a tan than she could have done it in any number of places that were out of the public’s eyes. And if she just did not want to have strap tanlines then she could have worn a tube top. Would that really have been so hard for her to do?

 

 

Photo Credit; Backgrid USA 

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