I think it is entirely possible that Caroline Vreeland has the string of her swimsuit tied so tightly around her waist some of her organs have been forced up into her chest. And if that isn’t the case, I have no idea how her boobs got to be so big. I mean, her gut does look like it is short a couple kidneys and maybe a foot of intestine.
I do not know how she can stand having that string wrapped around her abdomen. I can’t stand having the drawstring of my swim trunks tied around me even once. That is why I usually just go ahead with it being left untied. Does that mean one rogue wave can pants me like I’m back in middle school? Sure, but I’d chalk that up to fate.
I like to think I’m living in one of those Final Destination movies, but instead of Death trying to kill me, I have Fate trying to pants me. I used to live in fear, but I have grown to accept it. A man can only live in fear for so long before he finally cracks. I cracked long ago, and now I have no qualms with someone seeing my crack.
Photo Credit: Instagram / Splash News
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Well, it’s happened. All of Trump’s women are now officially blonde (fake blonde, but we all knew that). Melania Trump just debuted her new, blonde hairstyle. And it definitely looks like Melania’s been dipping into Donald’s personal hair dye.
For years, Melania has been the hold-out, hanging on to her caramel brown locks. Her hair was the only part of herself that gave her a sense of identity. It was a way to stand apart from Trump’s other wives and mistresses. She clung to that last part of herself, that last remaining shred of her being.
But no more. After resisting for years, Melania has finally been completely assimilated into Trump’s Cult of Women. She may have retained some part of her original self at one point, but now, there is no longer any hint of humanity; there is only Trump.
Melania's new hair color reminds me of something… pic.twitter.com/xrASXWaIEQ
— She persisted (@CaseyHinds) December 13, 2018
On the other hand, maybe this is a clever survival tactic on Melania’s part. Trump has a thing for blondes, and his staff is full of blondes. Melania can now blend in with the rest and Donald will have a hard time finding her. Trump seems like the kind of guy who really can’t tell one blonde apart from another anyway. Once she camouflages herself, Trump won’t be able to tell which one is her, and will end up boning one of the other blondes with his mushroom dick. It means Melania gets one more night off from having to deal with her great, hulking orangutan of a husband.
All right, guys, I know there is a lot to complain about in regard to Celeste Bright’s appearance, but let’s try to show some class and not lay into her too hard. At least make an attempt to be positive.
I mean, I could stand here all day and point out her glaring flaws, but I am not going to do that because I have tact. That is why I won’t point out that Celeste clearly has no idea how to pick out properly fitting clothing. The shirts she is wearing are so small they can barely conceal her boobs. And one of her swimsuit tops is so baggy the strap is falling down. Come one, Celeste, the rest of us learned how to dress ourselves by the time we were in college.
But I refuse to criticize her for that. Just as I refuse to criticize her for wearing a knitted cap in a hot tub. A lot of good that hat is going to do her in there. She is going to be sweating up a storm.
Maybe next time Celeste Bright should just let someone else take care of her wardrobe.
Photo Credit: Instagram
Being able to wear a tank top and still manage to fill it out like that puts Jordyn Jones in a tier previously only reserved for Hooters waitresses. I do not know what Jordyn’s job prospects look like, but if the whole YouTube career does not pan out at least she knows she has a solid fall back plan. That is more than most can say. Although, ironically enough, most Hooters girls start out there in an attempt to work their way out, whether that be by paying for college or being discovered by a talent scout is anyone’s guess.
Jordyn does possess some talent, which is also more than most vloggers can claim. I know that every drunk girl in the club thinks that they can dance their way onto any talent show, but most can barely dance their way out of their underwear without tripping over. The fact that Jordyn has managed to master that before alcohol has become a major factor in her life means she is off to a great start. And if she can somehow continue this trajectory after being allowed to legally drink, then she might be able to make it as a background dancer in a music video.
Photo Credit: MEGA / Instagram
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AnnaLynne McCordis relaxed. Bet that bed is soft, the pillow is not too warm, not too hot. Everything about AnnaLynne McCord screams relaxation. I gotta wonder though, could she use a blanket or is she just so damn sexy that even when she’s chilling she’s sexy?
I love getting under a warm blanket to relax, best feeling in the world. And as much as I would love to see AnnaLynne McCord being sexy under a blanket, I would hate to miss seeing those pokies. AnnaLynne McCord has some pretty fantastic pokies, you gotta admit. Everything about her is pretty high up on the sexiness scale, whether she’s hanging out alone on a bed or showing off her amazing body in a movie. There is something really great about AnnaLynne McCord relaxing sexy. It’s like saying she it ain’t movie magic, her sexiness is all her. She doesn’t have to much and she can’t turn it off. That makes AnnaLynne McCord really damn sexy in my eyes.
Maybe AnnaLynne McCord isn’t like me, maybe she doesn’t like being warm when she wants to relax. For her it could be all about the room being nice and cool, just right for pokies. However she likes it, it’s all right with me.
Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA
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When you think about things that just go great together, you think peanut butter and jelly, biscuits and gravy, and Charlotte McKinney and lingerie. Those are like the top three examples that I think pop into most everyone’s head when they think about things that go great together.
It’s strange that Charlotte McKinney and lingerie aren’t a bigger deal though. One would think that putting a gorgeous woman like Charlotte McKinney in some gorgeous looking lingerie would double everyone’s fun, but it’s not often enough that we see this all-time great combination.
Are the people in the peanut butter and jelly industry trying to keep us from learning about Charlotte McKinney and lingerie? Is big biscuits and gravy behind this nefarious cover-up? I can’t think of anyone else that might want to keep Charlotte McKinney and lingerie far apart.
I feel that some glorious day in the future, when someone says, “Two great things that go great together” that they’ll be referring to Charlotte McKinney and lingerie. It’s sort of the gold standard for great things that go great together. Someone, print up a t-shirt, that’s how these movements get started.
Photo Credit: MEGA
I was always told the proportions of Jessica Rabbit were impossible on a human body and that drawings like that did nothing but further skew male’s expectations for females. Clearly, the only people skewing my expectations were the lazy sacks who never even tried.
Now that Lindsey proved to us that she is possible I hope she inspires other women to break free from the mold of “realistic expectations”. There was a time when we didn’t think running a mile in under four minutes was possible either, but now people do it on the regular. I don’t do it because I don’t feel like it, but now I know it is possible.
Maybe in the near future Lindsey will not be an anomaly and she will instead be the standard. It’s a beautiful thought. So long as she continues to take her selfless selfies as motivators for the rest of the world I think there is a chance. But it is up to us to spend countless hours on social media so that we can remember Lindsey and women like her. If we forget her then her sacrifices will have been for nothing.
Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA
Alysia Kaempf can feel free to crash my party anytime. Because it really isn’t a party until she shows up. I don’t throw too many shin digs these days because there really isn’t too much to celebrate when you’re living out in the sticks. But after seeing the body that Alysia is working with, it’s officially time to break out the balloons. Maybe even some confetti and a couple of party time caps. I hope she likes to boogie on the beach because I plan on bringing some amazing tunes.
It may be impossible to find a woman that’s steamier than Kaempf. She’s hotter than an overheated radiator completely deprived of coolant. I’m pretty sure that’s the reason why she’s chugging down so much water and sitting on the edge of the ocean. With a hot chassis like that, she has to constantly keep cool or risk a meltdown. I want to be her water-boy. I’d make sure she’d never need to ask for a refill as long as I’m around. I’d even bring a portable fan along just incase the breeze slows down. And if the batteries ran out I’d blow until I turned blue. Anything to keep her happy.
Photo Credit: Backgrid USA
I wonder if the stress of modeling ever gets to them. I know it all seems glamorous, and that wearing a million dollar piece of clothing would sound like a dream, but I do not think I would like it. I can’t trust myself with that type of responsibility. There is a reason why I wear generic clothing, and it is because I have a tendency to ruin things.
I like my hamburgers with lots of mustard. That isn’t a crime, but it does have its drawbacks. Especially when I eat like the Tasmanian Devil when he goes off his meds. After I got done with the million dollar bra Victoria’s Secret would be lucky to get fifty grand for it.
And then there is the inherent risk involved with being around things that are expensive. Naturally that makes you a target for crime. Fencing a million dollar bra might be difficult, but I doubt that will deter thieves from trying. Even if they are able to sell it for a third of the price they will have made a handsome profit. That is why I want all nice things to be kept far from me. Best case scenario is me being used as a human shield while they try to get Elsa and her bra to the getaway car.
Photo Credit: Splash News
Victoria’s Secret Angel Stella Maxwell was out and about the other night showing off how she became an Angel in the first place. Rocking an all black ensemble that included some peekaboo cleavage courtesy of her bra-like top.
I don’t know what that kind of top is called. I have better things to do with my time than look up the latest fashion trends. I don’t need to know what the top is called in order to enjoy everything that Stella brings to it, which is tons of sexy.
Her flat stomach and poise makes her one of the leading models in the industry right now, and the fact that she likes to dine on box only makes her that much sexier. Yes, it’s a shame that none of us will ever get to be with her, but I don’t think we’d be able to get with her even if she was straight.
I can’t say I’m a fan of the denim jacket, but I’m not about to pick nits here, that’s for sure. I think we can all enjoy Stella’s body despite not being able to name any of these articles of clothing.
Photo Credit: Splash USA
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I just can’t look away from a very attractive Courtney Stodden cooling off in a pool. She’s more mesmerizing than Medusa. I’d stare until I turned into stone. I’d need a designated watcher to watch me watch her. Just so they can occasionally tap me on the shoulder to remind me to eat. Because I’d definitely forget what time is supper time when looking at Courtney is an all day feast for the eyes. Maybe if I’m lucky she’ll allow me to join her. I have a set of his and her arm floaties for safety, a pool noodle for playtime, and enough towels to double dip in the pool again after we dry off if we wanted to. I guess you can say I’m prepared.
But what I may not be prepared for is the kind of love that comes from a woman as hot as Courtney. She makes me so weak in the knees that I may need a wheelchair if I plan on walking next to her. Just being around her in the summer would be the best day ever. Outside, soaking up sun and Stodden. I couldn’t wish for a better day if I had a personal magic genie.
Photo Credit: MEGA