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EmRata’s Scandalously Small Bikini In Gorgeous Photo Shoot Candids

Man, no one, but no one can get into the headlines as consistently and for as good a reason as Emily Ratajkowski. Whenever she’s in the headline, it’s because she did something sexy. She’s not in the headlines because they’re dedicating a new wing to a children’s hospital in her honor. She’s not in the headlines because she discovered the cure for the common cold.

No, Emily Ratajkowski is in the headlines for being sexy. Always, all the time, it’s always because she did something or just was sexy out somewhere. She’s like a headline machine for sexiness. She’s not like the Kardashians who make headlines because they took a shit in the shape of the Virgin Mary or started a new line of underwear for women with exceptionally large asses.

No, Emily’s different. She’s only grabbing headlines because she’s grabbing our attention. I like that, there’s no expectation of a transaction involved the way there is with a Kardashian. They’re like, “Made you look, now spend fifty dollars on crap you don’t need.”

So rest assured, when you see Emily Ratajkowski’s name in a headline, a sexy time is sure to follow. No strings attached… except maybe bikini strings. But that’s only once in a while.

Photo Credit: MEGA

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Carmen Valentina Flaunts Her Sandy Cheeks In Sextastic Beachside Candids

I do not know where Carmen Valentina gets the entitlement to think that she can where a bathing suit like that in a public and not be harassed, but I blame her parenting. Her father is probably a cop and her mother is likely a grizzly bear. And I’m talking about a little grizzly bear. That combo probably made it so that a teenaged Carmen was able to wear whatever she wanted with no repercussions, so long as her father was on her side and the grizzly was well trained.

I know of certain cultures that have their women wear special braces from childhood in order to elongate their necks. I think something similar happened with Carmen because there is no other rational reason for her waist to be so small in comparison to the rest of her body. She must have been wearing a XXXS corset since she was ten in order to keep that figure.

I would think that undergoing something like that would leave her core weak, but she seems to have no trouble keeping herself upright without assistance. That is more than I can say for myself, and I have never even worn a corset.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Don’t Miss Ashley Graham’s Curvy Bikini Photo Shoot Candids

Oh Ashley Graham, will you ever stop being sexy. I mean, probably when you’re 90, but not anytime soon, and that’s such a blessing for the rest of us. I don’t want to live in a world where Ashley Graham isn’t sexy.

That would be like living in a world where ice cream tasted like water or a rainbow was just one color. It’s not fun or enjoyable in any way, shape, or form. Thank goodness we don’t have to live in that world and that the world we live in is one that has a sexy Ashley Graham.

I can’t imagine looking at these pics of Ashley Graham and just throwing your hands up and saying, “Seen it!” It’s not a fun way to go through life. A fun way to go through life is to get to the end of the gallery and then start all over again, surprised by how sexy Ashley Graham is even after starting at her for an extended period of time.

We can all look at the glass as half whatever you want, but at least the glass has water in it and at least Ashley Graham is sexy. It’s the only way to keep going in such a miserable world.

[More Bikini Hot Shots From Ashley Graham Right Here]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Caroline Vreeland’s Ridiculously Busty Swimsuit Candids

Take note of the ingenuity that Caroline Vreeland has utilized in order to fit herself into that swimsuit. Do you think she bought that swimsuit off the rack like that? Hell nah, but she liked it and they didn’t have it in her size, so she did what she had to in order to make it work.

In this case she needed to call back a style from the mid-00s. Back then girls would intentionally cut their shirts up each side and then tie them together like they were Indian princesses in buckskin. I always thought it was a silly fashion fad, but apparently it was useful training for the future. Maybe I was wrong about other “useless” fads as well, like taxes and sobriety.

For her sake, I hope Caroline knows what she was doing when she tied those knots up the sides of her suit. Those little strings are under a lot of stress thanks to those knockers. I don’t trust myself to tie my shoes, so I certainly wouldn’t trust myself when public indecency is at stake. I do not know if that is a crime a beautiful woman can be charged with, though.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Bikini Girl Zoe Salmon’s Hard Nipple Beachside Candids

I would appreciate it if Zoe Salmon would finally give up on her obsession with having the fittest tummy in the business. It gets to a point where it just makes the rest of us feel guilty. I do not want to know what a belly can look like if it is properly nourished and exercised. I would rather think that our natural shape is supposed to look like we are smuggling bowling balls everywhere we go.

Seeing Zoe proudly displaying her abdominals while she runs through the water makes me think I should be doing more. I mean, I think that for a very brief time, then I move on to thinking about which leftovers I am going to heat up for dinner. Because if there is one thing that can make you content with the state of your body it is reminding yourself why you don’t go the extra mile. Just like a soldier fighting a war taking place half a world away, we need to be reminded what we are fighting for. I am not going to let a moment of weakness make me give up the good fight.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Busty Playmate Ana Braga’s Sextastic Corn Dog Candids

There aren’t too many things more enjoyable than a woman who knows how to have fun. And Ana Braga is obviously one of those women. The corn dog in her mouth is a dead giveaway. She’s either going to or coming from some kind of carnival or town fair. Either of those places both just happen to be my speciality. I’m something like a fun expert. I know a slew of different ways to enjoy myself at those kinds of events. I’d start our date off by winning Ana a giant stuffed animal to take home so she’s reminded of our amazing day together every time she see the bear. After wowing her properly with my expertise in coin toss that won her the large bear, I’d let her know the possibilities of fun that we could have at the fair are endless.

As long as Ana has on an amazing outfit, a one million dollar smile, and never forgets to keep an open mind, she’ll be alright with me. Heck, she can show up in a winter coat and not say a word and she would still be alright with me. She’s so beautiful that I’d be forced to ignore her flaws. It’s a good thing she doesn’t have any.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Sofia Richie’s Buns On Display In Poolside Swimsuit Pics

I can see someone has not been phoning it in when it comes time to do her squats. That butt is as taut as a highwire walker’s wire, and probably their sphincter as well. That is why cheer on Sofia Richie’s poolside snacking, she’s earned it.

I could go for more squats myself, but that would require the awakening of an inner motivation that has been in a deep coma for some time now. There is something about holding extra weight while crouching down and standing back up again that just…well, it just sounds like hell.

I wonder if there is a gene that some people have that makes them more prone to enjoying the exercises that most others despise, like deadlifts and squats. If there is then there is probably another more common gene that makes people love bicep curls. There is no real mystery there. What guy does not want their arm to look like it is nine months pregnant? It all comes back to womb envy, I think. If we cannot labor pains, then we sure as hell are going to experience labor gains.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA / Backgrid USA 

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Jasmine Tosh Sizzling Bikini Body On Display In Miami

I do not like having my phone at the beach. I actually do not like having anything at the beach, myself included, but phones especially. Sand gets into every nook and cranny of the phone and its case, and then there is always the risk of it getting in the water. To put it simply, staying in touch with people wile I am there just is not worth the trouble. That is why I do not understand why Jasmine Tosh is acting so irresponsibly by taking her phone even closer to the water to speak on it. Who could possibly be on the other end that is worth that risk, Melissa Etheridge?

Jasmine must either be fearless or oblivious. She might have a waterproof case for that phone, but it wouldn’t make a difference in my mind. I would still have it in a Ziploc bag if I absolutely had to have it on me. If I could safely keep myself in a plastic bag when at the beach I would do it. Whenever people talk about the bubble boy it is with pity. No one ever talks about the benefits that would come along with it.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Rapper Logic’s Now Ex-Wife Jessica Andrea’s Hottest Bikini Pics And Selfies To Celebrate Her Single Status

Though you may know him better as Logic, Sir Robert Bryson Hall II has recently ended his marriage of less than three years to the gorgeous Jessica Andrea. Now she’s celebrating being single and ready to mingle with some hot pics that show off many of her best assets.

It’s so funny to me that his real first name is Sir since he’s got no official nobility that I’ve been made aware of. I wonder if that’s why she dumped his ass. She thought she was gonna get to be a Duchess or whatever and drink tea all god damned day like Meghan Markle.

Anyway, Jessica isn’t letting the finalization of her divorce get her down. She’s already on the road to recovery and these pics prove it in spades. It looks like she’s not spending a moment of her time looking back. Nothing but forward looking and thinking for Jessica from here on out.

As for me, I’m taking her side because I don’t know anything about Logic, and frankly, I don’t care to. I’d rather hear what Jessica’s got to say, brah. Why don’t you go take a seat over there while we talk?

[Catch Up On The Whole Story And Logic Boarding A Jet With A Mystery Blonde Over Here]

Photo Credit: Instagram / MEGA 

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Georgina Rodriguez’s Gorgeous Figure On Display In Lusty Yacht Candids

Georgina Rodriguez is famously dating Cristiano Ronaldo. No homo, but I am not sure which one of them I am more jealous of. Sure, Georgina is beautiful, but objectively so is Ronaldo, and that soccer stud is worth 400 million dollars.

Now, I do not want to brag too much, but my own net worth is quite attractive to the fairer sex as well. I have no troubles picking women up on the street. Once they realize I have the cash on hand they become quite agreeable. Even being the man of means that I am, I still think I could benefit from adding a couple of hundred million dollars to my name, or maybe even a girlfriend who is a model. But with the way the standards of modeling are degrading, one of my potential love interests might have a shot.

Georgina gave birth to Cristiano’s child last year. Given the child’s genetics it is easily in the running for most beautiful human in the world. It is going to have some stiff competition from Tom Brady and Giselle’s offspring, but its chances are good. It just needs to avoid any chemical waste sites. It might sound like a place where you can get superpowers, but it will actually only give you cancer.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Demi Rose Must-See Curves Behind The Scenes Of Her Vibrant Photo Shoot

I’d expect any rose that I look at to have thorns. Thank goodness that Demi Rose is about as prickly as a plush blanket. I wouldn’t mind holding her. It seems to me that she’s subliminally hinting that she secretly desires a boat. Because hot ladies usually stand next to, and take pictures with objects of their obsession. Which all the more makes me wish I was the boat in the photograph. I’d give Demi a piggyback ride across the Atlantic Ocean if it meant being the recipient of her gentle caress like the edge of that boat she’s leaning on.

Demi is a ray of sunshine wrapped in a goldenrod bikini. She’s something like a seductive sunflower that found her way onto the sand. I believe that it is my duty to make sure that she gets all of the necessary praise and admiration during her stay on the shore. I’m printing flyers to hand out to the other beach goers to let them know of her presence. It would be nice if they stop by just for a stare. She’s too beautiful not to get a good gawk at.

[A Lot More From Demi Rose Right Over Here]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Maria Jade Tans Her Gorgeous Bikini Body In Miami

Often worry about seeing a porn star in real life. I have heard some of them say that men often stare at them without fully recognizing them. They think they know them, but cannot quite place from where. Then they are forced to work through their mental rolodex, trying to find the connection. Some do not figure it out until it is too late.

Those poor saps are usually with their girlfriends or wives. They walk up to the gorgeous lady and ask if they went to school together, or if they worked at the same company. If the porn star has a heart, she will agree. If she doesn’t, she will ruin that poor soul’s day. I don’t blame her for it. If I was a porn star I imagine there would be some fun to it.

I just know that I would be the guy who doesn’t recognize her until after I tell my girlfriend I know her from somewhere. I have tried to train myself into not thinking out loud like that because it has gotten me into trouble before, but I have yet to get it fully under control.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Model Draya Michelle Flaunts Her Amazing Body In Must-See Swimsuit Candids

From the right angle, the style of Draya Michele’s swimsuit makes it look like she is 69-ing a black starfish. Now, I do not know if black starfish exist—I’m not a marine biologist—but out of all the aquatic animals, I think starfish are your best bet at a successful encounter.

Your gut instinct may be to go with the octopus or squid because of their long tensile limbs, but you would be wrong. Neither octopi nor squids have lips. They cannot get any suction, and we all know that suction is key. No one wants a beak nipping around down by their valuables. The stakes are too high.

A starfish though, they have so many suckers on them that any lady would consider herself lucky to meet one of that size. They probably would not even expect you to return the favor. They seem like very selfless lovers.

My lawyer is telling me that I need to make a disclaimer. Neither I nor anyone else at Egotastic endorses having sexual relations with aquatic animals. Even if it is not against the law where you live, it is still a great risk to your health. Just use a Jacuzzi like everybody else.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Cairo Dwek’s Bikini Body On Display In Incredible Vacation Candids

Cairo Dwek looks so lonely out on that raft. Wait, I meant to say that raft looks so lonely out there with only Cairo to make use of it. A raft that size can hold at least ten people safely, so why aren’t they out there? A raft that beautiful was meant to be enjoyed, not ignored. It is like seeing a single pretty girl in a bar that no one is talking to.

I’m just kidding, there are never pretty girls in bars that aren’t being talked to. But I’m dead serious about the raft. There should be a bunch of teenagers playing king of the raft and risking a very embarrassing injury due to getting too rough. That is what rafts are for.

They are not meant for people to sunbathe on. What, do they think the sun is more powerful twenty feet off the beach? It is a real waste of real estate to just let people get their tanning oil all over the floor as they lie there like sizzling bacon. Although it does make the next game of king of the raft more exciting.

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Ferne McCann Knows How To Showcase Her Best Assets

I have always found Ferne to be an odd name to pick for a woman. Unless they are a New Zealander—and boy do they love their ferns—I really do not see why you would. It is a pretty boring plant, if you ask me. There are no flowers, no poison, nothing of note. Wishing that upon your child seems kind of petty.

Unless that was Ferne’s parents plan. They knew their daughter was going to be a bombshell, so they had to try to dress her down in every way that they could. That kind of makes sense.

See, I know my kid is going to come out looking like a dog’s shaved ass, so I will need to give him a leg up in any way that I can. For my first act as the greatest dad to have ever lived I am going to make his middle name Horsecock. Using it as a first name would be too obvious, and make it difficult for him to have a job in politics. Although with the way society is going it might actually work in his favor, those heathens.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Naomi Watts Keeps It Tight In Surprisingly Sexy Yoga Studio Candids

Naomi Watts is one hot lady! If you look at her in Tank Girl, though actually don’t do that, she allegedly abhors that movie. Look at her in Mulholland Dr, instead. She’s naked in that one too, which is nice…

Look at her in that movie and then look at her now… It’s not that far off. She’s got amazing genes and she helps them along with a little yoga.

That Naomi Watts is into yoga isn’t surprising. All those skinny women love yoga. It’s a thing skinny women love almost as much as they love wine.

Naomi Watts may well be the queen of this yoga studio for all I know, but she’s certainly making it work like a queen. YAS QUEEN! That’s what the kids say, right?

Don’t patronize me “Nice” guy. I don’t need that right now. I’m struggling really hard to connect with the kids and they told me that when all else fails, attempt to talk to them on their level.

I thought I was being hip and with it, but it turns out I was being a square. I think we all learned something today. We all learned that Naomi Watts is the queen of her yoga studio and a timeless being who doesn’t age due to a deal made with one of several netherworld gods or goddesses.

[A Whole Lot More Sexiness From Naomi Watts]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Nicole Williams Flaunts Her Amazing Body In Bright Bikini Paddleboarding Candids

Nicole Williams is on the top of my wanted list this year. I know it’s too early for Christmas, and I missed my other chance in July, but I still want to make sure I started my list early in an effort to not forget anything. Pretty much all I have written down so far is Nicole and a new weed wacker. Which is honestly all I need. Actually, I can live without the weed wacker if Nicole guarantees to show up to my residence in a big red bow

If I had to put my finger on my favorite part about Nicole, it would be the fact that she’s a risk taker. She’s paddleboarding in the middle of a huge body of water without fear, or a life jacket. I would like to volunteer to be her human life jacket. For safety purposes of course. I’d wrap my arms around her to make sure she doesn’t accidentally go overboard and sink. But if she did, I’d be able to save her. I’d even be up for paddling with my free hand. By the end of the day, I’d make myself so irreplaceable to her that she would have no choice but to take me home. And going home with a good looking lady like her always means great conversation on a comfortable couch. I can’t wait to connect with Williams on her couch.

[Nicole Williams Stuff From TMZ]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Emrata Looks Outstanding All Glammed Up In Little Lace Number

You know what I love most about Emily Ratajkowski? Everything. I don’t know if there is anything I don’t like about her. And every time I say that, someone always shakes their head at me like I’m a crazy person. But really, they’re the crazy person. If you don’t look at Emily Ratajkowski in this little lace number don’t feel your heart beating faster, there is something wrong with you.

I get we all got our things; legs, boobs, butts, whatever, but Emily Ratajkowski has it all. There ain’t nothing her that ain’t perfect. Shake your head all you want, but I’m not backing down for this. Emily Ratajkowski is hot. Period. End of sentence. She’s the complete package. She’s the hottest person in the world right now. There, I said it and I’m not taking it back. Challenge me all you want, but you know what they say; the heart wants what the heart wants and this heart wants Emily Ratajkowski. Be it in a little lace dress or a lace bikini or a lace nothing at all because she’s nude, as long as it’s Emily Ratajkowski, I’m one happy camper.

I know I’m not alone, Emily Ratajkowski is a dream girl to a lot of people. It just always surprises me when she’s not the dream girl for every single person on rock floating in space. Emily Ratajkowski is hot.

[EmRata’s Sexiest Super-Yacht Candids]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Model Anastasia Kvitko Showcases Her Mega-Curves In Super Revealing Swimsuit

At what point do curves turn into mega-curves? I think it’s a fine line, but I think it’s even more indisputable to say that Anastasia Kvitko is rocking some serious mega-curves.

I think when your butt cheeks are wider than your elbows in silhouette, there’s a pretty solid chance we’ve entered mega-curves territory. Anastasia passes that test with flying colors, as you can see from the way her butt cheeks flare out well past her elbows.

I know a lot of guys like big asses, but this seems impractically big. It feels like the kind of ass I’d be afraid to have near my face for fear of suffocation. It’s the kind of ass I just don’t feel comfortable being with in close quarters. I’m also highly claustrophobic and not nearly as much of an ass man as a boobs guy.

Nevertheless, those that like ’em big are sure to find a lot to love about Anastasia Kvitko. Plus she’s got a fun name to say. Perhaps we should even consider naming particularly large asses “Kvitkos.”

Ah, one step at a time, best not to push it too hard. Best to just step back and admire a large, lovely ass!

Photo Credit: MEGA / Splash News 

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Olivia Munn Seems Really Proud Of Her Ass, As She Really Should Be

That look over the shoulder is a thing of beauty. It is like women are carrying an evolutionary trait that allows them to increase their sexiness threefold when they do it. Maybe two thousand years ago it was an advantage to them to look sexy when they looked behind themselves. That way if an enemy soldier was chasing them he would think twice about killing them.

Maybe I should clarify that most women seem to carry this trait with them. Some women clearly came from the villages that were always doing the invading, so there was no need for them to ever turn their heads back. These are the ladies that jerk their heads around in quick motions and end up looking like birds.

I hope that does not come off too harsh, because I will readily admit that I am unable to perform the look with any success. I just tried it when I was getting into my car and a hippie emptied out his tote bag filled with groceries and placed it over my head. He said I looked like Sloth from The Goonies. Unfortunately, I have been called worst things in my life.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA / Backgrid USA

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Rose Huntington-Whiteley Stuns In Silky Little Pink Number

Rose are red, violets are blue, don’t even blink, or you’ll miss Rose Huntington-Whiteley in pink. Sorry, sometimes you see something so damn stunning you got to write a poem about it. I may not be much of a poet, but Rose Huntington-Whiteley in a pink sure is stunning.

To be fair Rose Huntington-Whiteley could probably wear just about any color and it would still be kind of stunning. I have often found my jaw on the floor after seeing Rose Huntington-Whiteley wearing red or blue or black or nothing. She’s got one of those killer bods that tends to look great in everything. Like, I hate brown. I think brown is a terrible color and it should be destroyed in the fires of Mount Doom, but if Rose Huntington-Whiteley wore a brown bikini I would scream and shout about how amazing the color brown is. That would be all thanks to Rose Huntington-Whiteley and her body. Though it would be great if Rose Huntington-Whiteley never worn brown, you know, for me.

Rose Huntington-Whiteley is a real beauty and she can pull off any look she wants. That might be why we all have a special for her in our hearts. Well, that and she’s really super hot.

[More Beautiful Bikini Candids Right Here] 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Sophie Turner Looks Gorgeous Sipping On A Mojito In Wet Crop Top

Here is a serious question: when is Sophie Turner going to be the hottest working actress in Hollywood? I honestly and truly believe it is only a matter of time before she is everyone’s favorite actor. She’ll be in all the movies as all the leading ladies, she will be everywhere, and we’ll love every minute of it.

I know she’s stuck in Game of Thrones land right now and that probably takes up all of her time. She’s done a little movie here and there between all the fighting and dragons. But once that show is over, she’s going to be free to do more stuff and that’s when I think Sophie Turner will take over the world. I really don’t think we’re going to able to stop it. Not that I believe any of us should try and stop Sophie Turner from spreading her wings and flying. I’m just saying that we couldn’t stop it if we wanted too. Sophie Turner is going to be a goddess, you mark my words.

Until then, let’s just enjoy Sophie Turner in a crop top having a drink. I’m telling you, it’s going to happen. Prepare yourself now because sexy goddess Sophie Turner is coming.

[Go Se All The Sexy Swimsuit Photos Right Over Here]

Photo Credit: Splash News / Backgrid USA / MEGA

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Halsey Wows In Gorgeous Zip-Up Bikini

Halsey’s bikini is causing me to be much more disoriented than it probably should. I just do not get it. Bathing suits go in water, and metal rusts in water. What is the lifespan for this bikini, three wears? I hope it comes with an accessory of a tetanus shot, because she will certainly be needing one.

Metal is also really heavy. Why would anyone want to add it to their swimwear? I once tried swimming with my socks on—they damn near cause me to drown. That extra weight is no joke. I was almost happy to drown as well due to the disgusting feeling of having wet socks on my body. I felt like a cat was suckling on my feet.

I suppose this is just the price one pays for trying to look chic. Risking catching a nipple or pubes in the zipper probably sounds like child’s play at this point. And who isn’t looking for an excuse to call EMS over an embarrassing mishap? I know I loved needing their help to get unstuck from between the toilet and the bathtub. So many laughs were had. Not by me, but they were still had.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / Instagram 

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Charlotte McKinney Cheeky Bikini Shoot Candids Will Make Your Day

What is with people wearing a towel like it is a piece of clothing? They act like they were not prepared to be seen wearing such a skimpy outfit. Who did they expect to see them? Santa is always watching, after all, so one should always choose their outfit accordingly.

I do not even agree with the wearing of a towel when one gets out of the shower. How much water does your body retain that you need to keep the absorbent fabric against your skin? All I need to do is pat myself with a towel that is older than I am and I am as dry as a bone. I’m hairy as hell too, so I feel like my body keeps twice as much water retained as a woman’s.

I do not even condone the wearing of a towel when there are children around and you need to walk down the hall to your room. Plan accordingly, for crying out loud, and bring your clothes into the bathroom. A child seeing its mother wearing nothing but a towel will leave it scarred for life. I am fairly certain that is what set off Ted Bundy.

 

[All Of Her Hottest Stuff Right Here]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Anastasiya Kvitko’s Curves Literally Cannot Be Contained

If you turn your screen upside down Anistasiya’s ass looks like a coconut has been split in half and its milky goodness is spilling out. Her skin is such a perfect color to make that comparison that I hardly think it is only by coincidence that it makes the resemblance.

Or maybe I just made the comparison because the mental image of a bunch of guys flipping their computer screens over made me chuckle.

I am only kidding. I would never mislead you like that, and any fool could mistake Anistasiya’s cocobutt for a coconut. Thankfully she is not stranded on a desert island. Guys would be hallucinating, trying to stick straws up there for survival. And that would be horrific for many reasons, not least of which being the use of an outlawed plastic item. How dare they put their own survival above that of the sea turtles!

I think Anastasiya would agree with me on that point. She would not want any straws to be going near any of her orifices, and that would all be due to her environmentally conscious mind. A reed is a different story though, because it is natural.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Check Out Lana Del Rey’s Sexy Body In These Boat Vacation Candids

Lana Del Babe has got that summertime radness going on right now. Living it up in her all white outfit, soaking up the sun, and enjoying somebody’s boat. I do not know if it is hers or not, but it doesn’t really matter. Actually, it is even better for her if it is not hers, because then she is not on the hook for the bill. Not that she cannot afford it, but saving money is saving money. I don’t care who you are, that always feels good.

If there was one piece of advice that I could give to my younger self, it would be make friends with a boat owner instead of being an antisocial piece of crap. My standard of living would have skyrocketed overnight.

Women flock to boats just like they do to a bar that is giving out free shots. It does not matter what liquor it is, the same way it does not matter how nice the boat is, because it is going to give them an excuse to act crazy regardless. And when you are the friend of the owner of the boat, you could be the guy they get crazy on.

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Weekend Bikini Roundup: The Sexiest Summer Edition Yet With Kendall Jenner, Kimberley Garner, Heidi Pratt and More

I know that summer is getting closer and closer to ending, but the days are still hotter and hotter. We still have a nice long time to enjoy these super sexy bikini babes and enjoy them we will. These might be the hottest bikinis we’ve seen all summer.

Though, I do hate turning this into some kind of contest. After all, these beautiful ladies are wearing bikinis because they want to. They are showing off their amazing bodies and we are counting our lucky stars that we get to see them. Each one is beautiful, each one is sexy, each one brings something that only they can bring to a two piece. We shouldn’t sit in judgment. We should sit with our heads held high and in great admiration for each one of these super hot hotties in their super hot hot bikinis. It should be all about the feeling you get after flipping through all of these lovely ladies, not picking a winner.

So, come on, let’s just enjoy Kendell Jenner’s bikini in the way she makes it sexy. No need to compare it to Brett Rossi and her stunning bikini body. Just like we can’t really say Kimberley Garner in a bikini is better than Ana Braga in a bikini. They are all wonderful.

[Kendall’s Hottest Bikini Photos Right Here]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Michelle Rodriguez Tight Bod In A Bright White Bikini

How Michelle Rodriguez was able to make a career out of portraying characters that were tougher than many male roles, while retaining her sexiness is an anomaly that science has yet to be able to explain. Usually when I see a woman open a beer bottle with her belly button I am left as turned off as the oven of a responsible home owner. But if I was to see Michelle do it I would probably buy a whole case of beer just to keep watching her do it.

By the way, I said if I saw Michelle do it. That does not mean that I have ever seen her do it, nor do I claim she currently has the ability. I felt like I needed to make that clear, I did not want to be responsible for a spike in google searches for that sort of thing. It could lead to the newest weird trend in porn. It would not be the weirdest, but I still feel we are better off without it. There are enough subgenres to sift through that I would rather not deal with this as well. And if it already exists, I am happier not knowing.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Madison Beer Showing Skin In A Crop Top Is As Hot As Casual Gets

Casual is an underrated look, in my overrated opinion. A woman does not need to doll herself up like she is going to the finest strip club in all of Idaho in order to be considered hot. Oftentimes, less is more.

I actually do not like it when a woman puts too much effort into her appearance. It makes me feel pressure to put effort into my appearance. I don’t like pressure. I have seen Total Recall, I know it can make your head explode.

What I like is a girl that can wear a pair of loose fitting pants with a top that doesn’t need to be dry cleaned, while still looking bangable. Admittedly, those standards are quite low, but for an example, Madison Beer hits the mark perfectly. She is like a walking ad for high end thrift stores.

Tube tops are a great way to go green as well. If you live in a climate that allows for them, that is. Less fabric being used means less fish are having their stomachs violated by pollution. I may not have that one hundred percent accurate, but I know it is something close.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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Jessica Alba Looking Radiant Teasing Some Cleavage In Pretty Pink Dress

If there is one thing I cannot stand in this world, it is teasing. I do not like seeing it done to a four eyed freak on the playground. And I do not like having it done to my own eyes.

How dare Jessica show just enough cleavage to remind me that she has boobs, and yet not be generous enough to have a “nip slip.” I do not know who is responsible for making the delayed gratification theory popular, but if I find out I will punch them in the testes. Or ovaries. Whichever one applies.

I do not buy into the whole “delaying gratification makes it more satisfying” schtick. I like my gratification the way I like my drunkenness, as quickly as possible. That may have ruined more than a few relationships in my life, but I am too old to change now. And I got mine, so what reason do I have to change?

The whole idea of teasing the senses makes me want to flip a table holding fifty cups of water. I do not tease my bladder by making it think I am about to take a piss, only to hold it in for another thirty minutes, so I sure as hell am not going to do it to my balls.

 

Photo Credit: Splash News / MEGA

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