Italian weddings may be the stuff of nightmares.
When my sisters got married, the word “tradition” lost all meaning for me. My mother used that word so often, I offered to tattoo it on her forehead. If the dress is mermaid and not a ballgown, it’s not traditional. Weird flowers? No flowers? SAY IT AIN’T SO. It must be cocktail hour with more food than you’d have to feed Cambodia, pasta served before the salad course, and one of the entrees must be filet mignon.
Oh, and my mom about had a heart attack when neither of my sisters threw the bouquet or did the whole creepy garter thing. Why? Because TRADITION.
Useless favors no one likes or uses
The only favors that are acceptable are rococo serving dishes with cherubs carved on them, that almost everyone will hate or else display in their china cabinets until they die. They must be wrapped in white paper with confetti—those three Jordan almonds in tulle—for good luck. If you choose something quirky or gasp! give a donation, you’re basically spitting on your ancestors.
Grannies who bring blank checks to the wedding
Italian nonne will wait for the reception to assess how much they’re willing to spend on you. If they’re not happy with the food, or they think the decor was tacky, tasteless or heaven forbid—modern—they won’t give you a big busta, i.e., money. They also confer with each other and will end up all giving you the same amount so that no one looks better than anyone else.
The word “abbondanza”
In case you don’t speak Italian, the word “abbondanza” means “literally all of the foodstuffs you can possibly imagine, so that your third cousins you’ve never met don’t call us cheap.” Abbondanza is a word you’ll only hear your mother/grandmother say when you’re discussing your menu. Of course you have to have three pasta choices and six entree choices! Didn’t I raise you right?? Now, call the maitre d’ and tell him you want the extra soppressata table at cocktail hour.
Viennese Hour that everyone criticizes
If there’s no cannoli and the cappuccinos cost extra, you may get a severed horse head in your marriage bed.
This may seem obvious, but think about the difficulty of joining every single family group together during the reception just to take pictures with the bride and groom. These photos are obviously the job of the professional photographer, and it’s their worst nightmare to take two dozen stiff, posed shots that no one, including the happy couple, will ever want or pay money for. Family pictures take hours away from time better spent shooting tequila and twerking, but God forbid you don’t ask every single family member to take a photo with you.
Another requirement of the couple during the reception is to visit every single table, kiss everyone on the cheek, and thank them endlessly for attending, the same way you’d thank a stranger for taking a bullet for you. Table pictures are also a necessity to stroke the considerable egos of the [...]
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Although Channing Tatum plays a sexy stripper in Magic Mike XXL, that doesn't mean you should quit your day job and become one!
In case you didn't know, the 35-year-old worked as an exotic dancer when he was 19!
While this experience would later influence the hit blockbuster, the hunk warns any potential booty shakers to think twice before pursuing this occupation!
On Monday, at the Sydney premiere of the much-anticipated sequel, the Alabama-native said:
"I am not sure I could recommend it."
The Foxcatcher star doesn't regret his past job, but he is definitely glad it's over, revealing:
"But it was a good time in my life. It was one complete year of down-the-rabbit-hole crazy. I am glad I moved on ... it definitely has some seedy, darker sides."
Although he won't elaborate on what "crazy" things happened, the thespian revealed he:
"Did a lot of bad things for one dollar bills."
Oh my! Guess we can use our imagination!
But seriously, we're just so glad Channing is now an actor and no longer has to strip to make a living!
[Image via WENN.]