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Anthony Bourdain, American Hero, Says He’d Poison Donald Trump Given the Chance

TMZ stopped Anthony Bourdain at LAX for a little chat last week and asked him what he’d serve if he was asked to cater peace talks between Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un. Bourdain, showing exactly the qualities that make us love Anthony Bourdain, replied “Hemlock,” which is almost exactly the plot of the episode of Archer he guested on.

Bourdain later told Fox News, perhaps sarcastically, that he meant to say kale.

Of course the right wing has their panties in a bunch again, like they did with Kathy Griffin. They didn’t get that upset when Ted Nugent, a man who shit his pants for days to get out of going to Vietnam, threatened to kill President Barack Obama on multiple occasions. During the 2012 election, Nugent famously said “If Barack Obama becomes the president in November, again, I will be either be dead or in jail by this time next year.” As president, Trump invited Nugent to the White House.

The same people condemning Bourdain applauded President Trump when he, as a candidate, said of Hillary Clinton “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks. Although the Second Amendment people — maybe there is, I don’t know,” a pretty clear call for the assassination of the former Secretary of State.

And who could forget the 2010 midterm election when Sharron Angle, running against then Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, said “And you know, I’m hoping that we’re not getting to Second Amendment remedies. I hope the vote will be the cure for the Harry Reid problems,” suggesting that Republicans should simply assassinate Democrats if they don’t win elections.

Republicans voted for these people. Donald Trump suggested Hillary Clinton needed to be assassinated if she won the presidency, and 60 million people voted for him to be president. And now those same people act like the world is ending when Johnny Depp makes a joke about how an actor killed Lincoln.

I’m tired of the pretend outrage when someone says something like this. We all know Anthony Bourdain was joking and he isn’t really going to serve Donald Trump hemlock, because he’s not going to cook for him. And if you vote for someone who suggests his opponent should be assassinated so she doesn’t appoint some middling, center-right pro-corporate judge to the Supreme Court then you don’t get to act like a celebrity making a joke is over the line.

Donald Trump Supporters Burning MAGA Hats Out of Hate

Donald Trump supporters are now angry at Donald Trump for basically being Donald Trump.

In Trump’s latest attempt to switch sides and please everyone while pleasing no one, he made a DACA deal, but the deal doesn’t include the infamous wall that he promised. Because Trump has broken pretty much the only promise anyone can remember him making during his campaign, people are pissed. So pissed that they’re burning Make America Great Again hats.

Well, he sort of burned it. It’s more toasted than anything. I’m pretty sure it’s still wearable, it’s just had a couple of rough seconds.

This guy, who doesn’t even look old enough to vote, does a slightly better job. And by slightly better I mean, he’s still an embarrassing human who should be ashamed of himself for posting that video on the internet.

Finally, a guy who has seen plenty of jersey burning videos when a sports player leaves their favorite team. You always throw the thing you don’t like in a trash can and set it on fire. It’s not surprising that Cleveland Simms figured it out given that he probably burned his Kyrie Irving jersey a few weeks ago.

This guy got the hang of it as well.

Now that’s how it’s done. You burn the hat and then leave it on the side of the road for someone else to pick up and throw away.

How has no one set the hat on fire, left it on a porch, rang the doorbell, and then hoped that the homeowner comes out and steps on it? Record that, upload it, and you’ll be an internet hero.

Let me give you pyromaniacs a little advice: don’t burn the hat. You probably paid $25 for it. It was a waste of money then, but now you’re almost literally burning money. Just waterboard or drown the hat. That way, when you decide to be a Trump supporter again in a week, you still have your hat.

Floyd Mayweather Says Donald Trump’s ‘Grab ‘Em By the Pussy’ is How Real Men Talk

Those who have followed Floyd Mayweather’s career know that he’s a pretty terrible human being. Only a terrible human being would beat his wife in front of his kids. To Mayweather’s credit, he’s turned being a terrible human being into a marketable persona that has allowed him to make millions of dollars. So, he’s not entirely dumb.

And those who have followed Donald Trump’s career know that he’s a pretty terrible human being. Only a terrible human being would be openly racist while trying to run a country. To Trump’s credit, he’s turned being a terrible human being into being the President of the United States. So, America is almost entirely dumb.

Remember when Donald Trump wanted to “grab them by the pussy?” It was a line that proved he was an egotistical sexist and yet women still voted for him. It should have sunk his campaign. But. Women. Still. Voted. For. Him.

Not so surprisingly, Floyd Mayweather had no issue with that line. Here’s what Mayweather told Hollywood Unlocked in an interview:

“People don’t like the truth… He speak like a real man spoke. Real men speak like, ‘Man, she had a fat ass. You see her ass? I had to squeeze her ass. I had to grab that fat ass.’ Right? So he talking locker room talk. Locker room talk. ‘I’m the man, you know what I’m saying? You know who I am. Yeah, I grabbed her by the pussy. And?'”

Ah, the good ol “locker room talk” excuse. If that’s such a standard in the locker room, how come we never hear about anyone else making such comments? I guess no one else is a real man because they don’t walk up to women and just grab them by the pussy.

Mayweather had more to say about Trump, but some of the quotes are so cringeworthy that I can’t even bring myself to relay them. Ah well, that’s why they pay me the big bucks:

The thing is this: too many people are worried about what Trump is doing and what other presidents are doing, instead of worrying about what you’re trying to do and what level you’re trying to get to. See, my thing is I don’t give a fuck about what nobody else doing. I got to worry about what I’m trying to do and where I’m trying to get to. A lot of times, it’s, ‘Aw, man, it’s going to affect us.’ My man, if you ain’t making 400, 500, $600 million, it’s not going to affect you no fucking way. It’s only going to affect somebody like me. I’m the motherfucker that should be tripping—paying $34 million, $25 million, $26 million [in taxes].

If only there was more to life than paying taxes.

“I feel people shy away from realness. This man didn’t do nothing. Listen, if y’all didn’t want the man in the White House, y’all should have voted the other way. It ain’t like he went and robbed—he done his homework. He did what he had to do and he got there.”

Well, he’s got us there.

The three faces of America. Good job, America.

Jennifer Lawrence Thinks Donald Trump Can Cause Natural Disasters

Houston got destroyed by Hurricane Harvey. Florida and other East Coast states might be destroyed by Hurricane Irma. And it’s all your fault, America.

Not because of global warming, which is totally not a thing despite all the evidence. It’s all your fault for voting Donald Trump as president. So sayeth Oscar winning actress Jennifer Lawrence.

In speaking to Channel 4 in Britain, Lawrence was asked about America and the “end of days” feeling due to the hurricanes and Trump. Here was her response:

“You know, it’s this new language that’s forming. I don’t even recognize it. It’s also scary to know that climate change is due to human activity, and we continue to ignore it, and the only voice that we really have is through voting.”

When the reporter mentioned the voting results, Lawrence said that it was “startling” that Trump won and then gave the following comment:

“You’re watching these hurricanes now, and it’s hard — especially while promoting this movie, not to feel Mother Nature’s rage and wrath.”

Yikes, not the best look, J-Law. I’d like to think that she wasn’t outright blaming these hurricanes on how Americans voted, but her word choice was certainly poor.

She wasn’t done with Trump or America, though:

“It’s really polarizing and upsetting. I’ve heard things and seen things on TV in my own country that devastate and make me sick. It’s really confusing.”

“I don’t find him confusing. I think I know exactly what he is,”

Yeah, that’s a bit more like it. Very few are happy with Trump and the way he does things, but he can’t be blamed for these hurricanes. He can be blamed for acting like the hurricanes are a good thing and doing very little about the victims, but he can’t be blamed for the actual hurricanes.

Or, maybe he can. Honestly, if we can’t blame Trump for everything that sucks right now, who can we blame?

Screw it. I’m on Team Lawrence. These hurricanes are your fault, Donald.

Emboldened Kathy Griffin Finds Her Spine and Retracts Apology for Decapitated Trump Photo

A few months ago, Kathy Griffin posed for a photo with an effigy of Donald Trump’s bloody, decapitated head. When all the normal suspects on Twitter and cable news acted outraged at the image, Griffin made a standard apology. Now, in an appearance on the Australian morning show Sunrise, Griffin says she isn’t sorry at all.

My favorite part of that video is when host Samantha Armytage asks, in her unbearably posh Australian accent, “Do you not accept that was a little bit over the line?” to which Griffin casually asserts “No, you’re full of crap, stop this.”

I’m with Kathy Griffin here. Trump supporters have spent over a year whining about how the left wants to take away free speech and political correctness is bad, but as soon as someone says something they don’t like, they applaud the Secret Service treating them like a criminal.

Kathy Griffin makes a really good point when she says, “Stop acting like my little picture is more important than talking about the actual atrocities that the President of the United States is committing.” If you’re keeping score at home, Donald Trump all but sided with the white supremacists who carried out an ISIS-style terrorist attack in Charlottesville earlier this month, he pardoned Joe Arpaio, the Arizona sheriff famous for his inhumane treatment of prisoners, and since becoming president, he’s tried to ban Muslims from entering the country and transgender people from serving in the military. But Trump’s son was upset by Griffin’s picture, so clearly she’s the one who’s wrong here. By the way, Trump calls Barron “the smart one,” and I absolutely believe an 11-year-old is smarter than anyone else else in the Trump family. He’d almost have to be.

By the way, the spineless liberals like Chelsea Clinton who were tripping over themselves to denounce Griffin might be the worst people in this story. We need to stand up for free speech and artistic expression even when we don’t like it or else the promise of free speech is meaningless. Even if you think Kathy Griffin made a mistake by posing for that picture, and I do, it pales in comparison to the things Donald Trump has done as president. And focusing on denouncing her, especially at this point, is just giving Trump cover. There’s no moral equivalence between “took a tasteless photo” and “supports actual Nazis”.

Donald Trump Can’t Spell, Twitter Gives Him "Heel"

Donald Trump has done it, folks.

Brought the country together and acted like a rational human who actually cares about the citizens of America? HA! No.

Instead, Trump has somehow his Covfefe disaster on Twitter by misspelling the word "heal." Twice.

How did this error come about? And how did Twitter react to the mistake? Scroll down to find out!

1. The First Try:

The first try
Trump wrote this Tweet after initially slamming the protestors who stood against neo-Nazis in Boston as “anti-police agitators.” For the record, this is not how to spell the type of “heal” he meant.

2. The Second Try:

The second try
Nope, same word. Same misspelling.

3. The Third Try:

The third try
Look at that! It was the charm!

4. Remeber When He Said This?

Remeber when he said this
He really did.

5. Help from Merriam-Webster

Help from merriam webster
The folks behind the dictionary offered some assistance to the President.

6. Sir… Sir… SIR!

Sir sir sir
Just give me your phone, okay?

View Slideshow

Tina Fey to People Worried About Growing Nazi Threat: “Let Them Eat Sheet Cake”

Tina Fey was on a stand-alone version of SNL‘s Weekend Update last night and the Internet seems to be divided on whether the point she made about the growing white supremacist movement was pure genius or pure idiocy. Having watched her appearance, which you can see below, I’m inclined to say it was a bit of both.

During the course of her appearance, Fey made some great points about the state of American politics. Tina Fey is a very funny person and she has a gift for blending humor and political discourse. My personal favorite line of the night, delivered with her trademark timing and wit, was when she compared the police reaction to the Nazi protesters to that of the NoDAPL protesters at Standing Rock.

“Next time when you see a bunch of white boys in polo shirts screaming about taking our country back, and you want to scream, ‘It’s not our country; we stole it from the Native Americans, and when they have a peaceful protest at Standing Rock, we shoot at them with rubber bullets, but we let you chinless turds march through the streets with semi-automatic weapons!’ When you want to yell that, don’t yell it at the Klan, Colin—yell it into the cake. Then when Ann Coulter crawls out of her roach motel and says, ‘Antifa attacked Republicans in Berkeley,’ and you’re like ‘O.K., yard-sale Barbie, but the other side is Nazis and Klansmen.'”

However, the main thing most people took away from the segment was Tina Fey’s advice to stay home and stress eat sheet cake instead of counter-protesting. This message was seemingly tailor-made for the champagne liberals that made up Hillary Clinton’s support base, the rich elites of the Democratic Party who look down their noses at the activist left. I’m talking about people like J.K. Rowling, who calls herself left-wing but spent more time attacking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn than Conservative Prime Minister Theresa May during the June snap election in the U.K.

Left Twitter, however, wasn’t having it, pointing out that Fey was advocating slackitivism in the face of an actual threat to actual people. This is an excellent point, especially considering that these Nazi chucklefucks have already actually killed someone. Some people, specifically marginalized people, don’t have the luxury of locking themselves in the penthouse of their high-rise and hoping these people just get bored and stop trying to create a white ethno-state.

The question is who is actually right on this? Should we let Nazi marchers yell into the void unchallenged or should we meet them head-on and counter-protest, even if that means we’ve got to wash some blood out of our clothes the next day? I strongly believe that it’s the latter. While the less intelligent people among us, such as President Donald Trump, will use any violence that may happen as an excuse to equivocate and say that the left are the actual violent ones, they’re going to do that anyway, no matter how much of a stretch it is. Before the violent protests at Berkeley this year, whataboutism usually brought up Bill Ayers and the Weather Underground, the 1970’s era left-wing terrorist group.

Another thing to remember, and I can’t stress this enough, these racist little manlet pricks are gigantic pussies. Look at Chris Cantwell, one of the Nazis at the Charlottesville rally. When interviewed by Vice News, he showed off his arsenal of weapons and said “We’re not non-violent, we’ll fucking kill these people if we have to.” When reports came in that there might be a warrant out for his arrest, he uploaded a video of him pissing his pants and literally crying, saying how scared he was. Oh, and he got kicked off of OK Cupid.

Donald Trump Fires Steve Bannon in an Effort to Unite America

Steve Bannon has been removed as White House chief strategist. I’d say this is a good thing because Bannon is a huge reason why Donald Trump is in office, but this will probably lead to someone worse taking the position. So yeah. Things are still bad.

Bannon was forced out because someone had to take the fall for Trump blaming both sides in Charlottesville.

I’m not going to pretend like I know a ton about Steve Bannon. The most I know about him is that he was portrayed as Death on Saturday Night Live.

Based on those skits and Bannon’s quotes where he calls people “clowns” and “losers,” I think it’s safe to say that he’s pretty much a Trump clone. I guess one Trump is better than two.

Bannon was given the option to step down gracefully, but does anyone in the White House do anything gracefully? Of course not. So, instead of falling on his sword for Trump, he was forced out by Trump. Both of these guys are terrible people.

Let’s go to Twitter for some reactions.

Is this a victory for America? Probably not. As I said, Trump will find someone worse and Bannon already did his damage by helping Trump get elected. This is nothing more than a Hail Mary by Trump. He knows he’s losing support and this is one of the most drastic measures he can take. Force out the only guy who comes close to him on the “we hate you” scale.

You know what his next drastic move will be in a month when we forget about this and he continues to do and say stupid things? War. Because the only thing that unites a country more than hating a single person is hating another country who we’re told is trying to destroy us.

Jimmy Kimmel Is Smart When He Calls Trump Supporters Stupid

Remember when we had a president who could go a single day without saying something incredibly stupid? Even George W. Bush could avoid saying something stupid by just continuing to read My Pet Goat. Our current president, however, seems to be biologically incapable of keeping his big trap shut and not making everything worse every single day.

This has not escaped Jimmy Kimmel. Kimmel wasn’t planning on doing his entire monologue about Trump on last night’s episode of Jimmy Kimmel Live!, but when the President of the United States sides with Nazis, it’s hard to talk about The Bachelor in Paradise. You can see Kimmel’s full monologue below.

Kimmel opened his remarks by saying, “I even thought ‘Hey, maybe we won’t talk about Donald Trump much tonight,’ and then he opened his mouth and all manner of stupid came out. This press conference … it was supposed to be about infrastructure and it ended with our president making an angry and passionate defense of white supremacists. It was like if your bookclub meeting turned into a cockfight.” He went on to say, “I feel like I can say this with reasonable certainty, the president is completely unhinged.”

Where’s the lie?

After showing just how unhinged Trump is, Jimmy reached out to Trump’s supporters, telling them he understood why Trump was an appealing candidate, but that maybe a full-throated defense of actual, literal Nazis chanting WWII-era Nazi slogans and carrying around cosplay shields and Nazi flags is too far and it’s time to come back to the side of sanity. Guess who didn’t like that?

If you said “a bunch of idiot Trump supporters on Facebook,” then you get a gold star. When Kimmel posted a YouTube video of his monologue to Facebook, a bunch of people crawled out of the woodwork to defend President Trump (side note: does anyone else feel a bit of vomit coming up the back of their throats when they say that? Just me?). Kimmel wasn’t having it, but he also wasn’t about to waste his time trying to reason with people who have seen what this president has done and still think he should be president. So he replied “you are a stupid person”. Over and over, to everyone showing up to defend Trump.

Jimmy Kimmel sort of hit on the perfect response. While it’s not literally true that you have to be stupid to be a racist, it’s not really worth lecturing someone on why chanting “The Jews will not replace us” is bad. If they’re not stupid, they’ve made an informed and reasoned decision that racism is better than introspection. While it’s possible for an intelligent person to be evil and racist, it does no more good to argue with such a person than it does to argue with a stupid person. Aside from being very funny, Kimmel was actually brilliant here in not letting these people go unchallenged while also not wasting time engaging with them.

Trump’s behavior was so unacceptable that even Kimmel’s competitor Jimmy Fallon, who has given politics a wide berth during his time as host of The Tonight Show, addressed the president’s response to Charlottesville, where Heather Heyer, an IWW member and Bernie Sanders supporter who had come to counter-protest the white supremacist March taking place, was murdered in a terrorist attack by one of the aforementioned white supremacists. Fallon has taken a lot of flak for his decision to not challenge Trump on his campaign during a September episode of The Tonight Show, instead opting to ruffle his hair. I feel for Fallon, he’s the host of The Tonight Show, not Meet the Press, and he’s not Steven Colbert. Jimmy Kimmel shows, however, that even a mostly non-political comic is better off being true to what he believes than in trying to please everyone all the time.

Barack Obama Puts Donald Trump’s Twitter Game to Shame

Barack Obama went on Twitter and was like, “@America how many likes to prove ya’ll miss me?” And America responded with “@BarackObama 3 million” and Obama concluded with “done.”

That’s the tweet that has earned Obama over 3.5 million likes, making it the most liked tweet in Twitter history, dethroning Ariana Grande’s first tweet following the attacks at her Manchester concert.

It’s a quote from Nelson Mandela’s book, but really it’s a subtweet directed at Donald Trump. While Trump is all, “Nazis are bad, but the people who attacked them are violent,” Obama shows what a President should be doing in this situation. Posting a quote from a legendary leader and then getting the hell off Twitter because our country is a mess.

Obama made that tweet on August 12 following the Charlottesville protests. He has not tweeted since. Let’s check in on Trump.

40 tweets. Five of them were retweets from people/outlets praising him. Here’s my personal favorite.

Either Trump spends a lot of time vanity searching himself and looking for praise so he can retweet or he pays someone to do that for him. Both situations sound like a bad use of government resources.

Trump’s most liked tweet since Aug. 12 is his first words on the Charlottesville situation.

It has less than 200,000 likes. In fairness to Trump, he only has 36 million followers compared to Obama’s 93 million. But even if you went by follower to like ratio, Trump comes out on the losing end. Poor guy. Thank God he has more credibility than Obama with North Korea because he has almost no credibility in America.

It probably doesn’t help that it only took him three days to completely change his tune. I guess we should applaud that he was able to keep his word for three days? Especially given this:

One day later.

That’s our President.

Man With Nuclear Launch Codes Needs Daily Folder of Media Praise

Every day when President Trump wakes up, White House and RNC staffers present him with a folder full of headlines, tweets and screenshots from news programs that portray President Trump positively. And then in the evening, they give him another one. And after over six months, the president’s only feedback has allegedly been, “It needs to be more fucking positive.”

This is all according to Vice News, who also add that this so-called “propaganda document” may not have been Trump’s idea.

Another current White House official said that the idea for the twice-daily ego boost came from Priebus and Spicer, who competed to deliver the folder and be the bearer of the good news. “Priebus and Spicer weren’t in a good position, and they wanted to show they could provide positive coverage,” the official said. “It was self-preservation.”

In the two-plus weeks following the departure of both Spicer and Priebus, White House officials say, the document has been produced less frequently and more typically after public events, such as Trump’s recent speech at the National Boy Scouts Jamboree in West Virginia. It’s unclear what will change, if anything, once a new White House communications director is appointed to replace the briefly tenured Anthony Scaramucci.

I can see how having Trump in a good mood may be a good thing for the country. Maybe if he sees enough positive tweets he won’t start a nuclear war with North Korea. Hell, if it’ll keep Guam and California from total nuclear annihilation, let’s send Senator Al Franken to the Oval every morning to get Trump to say, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and doggone it, people like me” into a mirror. I suppose there are worse things to get stroked in the Oval Office than your ego, though, and at least Trump’s staff is only metaphorically blowing him.

Chrissy Teigen Finally Wears Out Donald Trump, He Blocks Her on Twitter

Chrissy Teigen, a favorite of any good human being on Earth, finally got Donald Trump to block her on Twitter. Before we get to the tweet that Trump into a blocking rage, let’s take a look back at Chrissy’s previous tweets towards our current President.

It all started in 2011:

Those last three tweets show that Chrissy is not a psychic.

In the end, Trump broke Chrissy.

But what was the tweet that broke Trump?

“lol no one likes you.”

That’s all it took. Calling him a racist, calling him insane, fearing for our country because he’s the President. That was fine. But saying, “no one likes you.” That pushed Trump too far. Because, of course it did. If we’ve learned anything these months, it’s that the only thing Trump cares about is being liked. It’s why he spent so much time talking about the amount of votes he received and the turnout for his inauguration. It’s why he power grips during a handshake. He wants to be liked and he wants to be in charge. Blocking Chrissy was his way of saying, “You’re wrong. Everyone likes me. I have power.”

Trump blocking Chrissy over “lol no one likes you” is the perfect summation of Donald Trump.

The Most Awkward Trump Handshake Yet

Donald Trump sucks, and he sucks at doing all of the things he’s supposed to be good at. The author of the art of the deal can’t make a deal. He golfs every single week, and he’s not even a good golfer. Business-like handshakes are an important part of business, but the president famously shakes hands like a starving caveman who thinks he’s gripping a meal. He may have topped himself in Paris.

When Trump confronted similarly inexperienced but much smarter French Prime Minister Emmanuel Macron, the Frenchman was ready for the stupid trump grip. With steely eyes, Macron dared Trump to do his usual grab-n-yank, and Trump was intimidated. By a French Economist.

Being a craven loser, Trump decided to get his revenge on the Prime Minister’s wife. He grabbed her, pulled her in for the double-cheek kiss, then grabbed her hands and yanked them. You can see her trying to retain her dignity, but the coward with the title of the most powerful man in the world gave in to his predatory instincts to abuse women.

I guess if you’re too afraid of your co-worker, just be mean to his wife. That’s some business advice from the Celebrity Apprentice guy.

President Trump Still Hasn’t Made Handshakes Great Again

Donald Trump had another awkward exchange involving a handshake with a foreign head of state today. I feel like that’s probably going to be the lede for a lot of stories over the next four years. This time Trump’s faux pas was with Poland’s First Lady Agata Kornhauser-Duda, who appeared to ignore Trump’s extended hand and greeted his wife Melania before turning and accepting his handshake.

There’s a few explanations for what exactly happened. Kornhauser-Duda may have simply felt it was proper to greet her American counterpart first. Polish etiquette also dictates that a gentleman should wait for a lady to offer her hand for a handshake. But I’m pretty sure it was a misunderstanding and she just didn’t see Trump’s tiny baby hand.

This isn’t the first time Trump has made headlines over an awkward handshake. You may remember his visit with Shinzo Abe in February where he spent nineteen seconds trying to dislocate the Japanese Prime Minister’s shoulder. He also recently turned a handshake with French President and mommy enthusiast Emmanuel Macron into a white-knuckled pissing contest. Considering that all Trump ever had to do to earn his fortune was shake hands and not embarrass himself, you’d think he’d be better at both of those things. Of course, President Trump hasn’t thrown up on anyone yet, so he’s still slightly less embarrassing than former President George H. W. Bush for now. For now.

Despite the inevitable 500 part Twitter threads from the #Resistance on how this will finally be the thing that brings Trump down, for real this time, this incident appears to be much ado about nothing. Had First Lady Kornhauser-Duda actually insulted Trump, he’d have already tweeted about how her hands were bleeding or that she had #fakehands. Maybe a gif of him clotheslining Vince McMahon with a hand superimposed over McMahon’s face. You know, the way a president does.

Disney World is Having Trouble With Robot Trump at Its ‘Hall of Presidents’ Show

In today’s segment of not-so-shocking news, a Tuesday report from Vice’s Motherboard suggests Disney World has been having some trouble with President Donald Trump, as it prepares his presidential robot for its “Hall of Presidents” show.

For anyone not educated about this very important White House/Disney World tradition running since the Clinton administration, Disney World hosts a show featuring life-sized Audio-Animatronic (Disney parlance for robot) caricatures of every past U.S. president. Each robot can move, talk, and in some cases, sit and stand. Ever since President Bill Clinton, sitting U.S. presidents send audio recordings of themselves lavishing nonpartisan praises on the glory of America.

Typically, these speeches involve collaboration between the president and Disney World, which, predictably enough, led to some problems. After all, President Trump danced at the January inaugural ball to Frank Sinatra’s “My Way,” and his communication team made it very clear he intended to write and record the speech his way.

From Motherboard:

Disney assumed that the transition from Obamabot to Trumpbot would be smooth and seamless. “We’ve already prepared a bust of President-elect Trump to go into our Hall of the Presidents at Disney World,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger in a call with Wall Street analysts last November. But instead, according to a source close to Magic Kingdom management, the Trump communications team has been combative and obstinate, upsetting an established process that three prior presidential administrations found amenable.

“When Disney tried to get this process started earlier this year,” said the source in an email to Motherboard, “Trump’s people said, ‘We’ll be writing the speech that the President’s Audio-Animatronic figure will be saying.'”

Honestly, anyone including Disney World’s toddler guests, could have seen this would be a problem, but nonetheless, Disney World got itself into this mess and was determined to get itself out.

One potential solution, Motherboard notes, “was to have the current president not talk, and revert the attraction to something resembling its original format, where only Lincoln spoke during the final roll call.”

This was, after all, the original format of the attraction from when it opened in 1971 through the end of 1993, when the talking Clinton-bot was introduced.

That likely won’t be the case. A source told Motherboard that “Disney officials are bending over backwards in an effort not to be seen as disrespectful towards President Trump,” out of fear the president will tweet about the conflict and call on conservatives to boycott Disney World (“the company’s biggest fear”).

Instead, the company is holding off on updating the ride for the time being, likely until fall this year.

“There are those at Imagineering [the researchers and developers behind Disney’s theme park attractions] who hope that if they hold off on doing anything with this attraction until the fall, Trump may have done something so egregious that the general public won’t have an issue with putting a non-talking version of [Trump] in The Hall of Presidents,” the source told Motherboard.

This isn’t altogether too unlikely, so best of luck to Disney World.

Who’s Getting #BlockedByTrump

We live in a bizarre techno hell world where a manchild, rapist, and Twitter bully is our president. Yes, a literal Twitter troll known for tweeting incoherently and using Twitter to attack dozens of people, businesses, and entities at random can bomb literally whoever he wants.

It turns out, despite being an expert at dishing it out, Donald Trump can’t take it. In fact, in what might end up being another one of the 50 things he’s currently being sued for or investigated for while in office, he’s blocking anyone on Twitter who actively disagrees with him.

If you’re a manager at Chili’s, you can totally do that on your personal account. When you represent the United States government, doing that is a violation of free speech and can get you hella sued.

Check out some of the many people Trump has blocked, a lot of who are wearing it like a badge of honor in the #BlockedByTrump Twitter hashtag.

Stephen King 

Did he do it because famous horror novelist Stephen King is so spooky? No. Trump can barely read. King has been calling him out for being a fuckhead for over a year.

Rob Szczerba 

If you’re wondering who the fuck that is, it really doesn’t matter. One “covfefe” joke was all it took for this rando to blocked by the literal leader of the free world.

VoteVets.Org 

VoteVets is a liberal veterans’ organization 500,000 vets deep that has been highly critical of Trump for months and months. Yes, he blocked the Twitter account of a large veterans’ organization that disagrees with him.

Brandon Neely 

This former Guantanamo Bay guard says he’s been blocked. So have a number of activists and Trump critics.

Marina Sirtis

The former Star Trek: The Next Generation actress was blocked for calling out Trump. She has called him “The Orange Menace” on Twitter more than once.

Bess Kalb

Kalb is a writer for Jimmy Kimmel Live and The New Yorker, who responds to all of Trump’s Tweets mocking him and dishes out gems like this.

AJ Joshi

We think this entrepreneur may have been blocked based on this Tweet alone.

Andy Signore

Yeah, the President of the United States blocked a guy who makes funny YouTube videos on Twitter. The creator of Honest Trailers was likely blocked for only this one tweet.

But Hillary’s emails tho.

Donald Trump Quoting DJ Khaled in Speeches Now

Power to the people. Donald Trump has finally ventured west of the Mississippi River to get some crowd love in Iowa. He showed up there to crow about future House Representative Karen Handel’s win in Georgia.

“They have phony witch hunts going against me,” Mr. Trump said nearly an hour
into a speech that veered off script repeatedly. “All we do is win, win, win. We won last night.”

*looks side to side* Yeaaaa, this president, gotta love him.

For reference, DJ Khaled’s “All I Do is Win.”

It’s not the first time he’s quoted the song.

Siiiigh.

Trump Supporters Freak Out Over New Moby Music Video

On Monday, electronic music DJ Moby dropped a new animated music video that makes his feelings about our president very clear — and you can bet that Trump supporters are not having it.

The video stirring up all this controversy features a robot of Donald Trump, as well as cartoon versions of Steve Bannon, Rupert Murdoch, the media mogul behind Fox News, Britain’s Theresa May, and of course, North Korea’s Kim Jong-un. Kim Jong-un and Trump have some (horrifying) beef of their own, but that doesn’t mean Trump haters ever miss an opportunity to compare the two.

The video also features dollar sign-swastikas and, overall, a landscape of destruction.

The following day, it received sharp criticism from Breitbart and other right-leaning websites.

Breitbart hit the video for its dollar-turned-swastika symbolism — an obvious criticism of capitalism — in the video, and the conservative Washington Times noted how Trump “transforms into a robotic, missile-firing swastika.” How very un-American!

Meanwhile, the blog American Thinker hit the video for continuing a perceived trend started by Kathy Griffin in glorifying violence against President Trump, and normalizing this trend for children.

This was, of course, nothing compared to the flack the video got from Trump supporters on Twitter.

“But the douchebag Moby was fine with antiAmerican Obama and corrupt lying Hillary?” one user, mystified, wonders.

Others call him a “cuck” (seriously, when did this word become so ingrained in everyone’s political vocabularies?) and bemoan how the “only way to make money” these days “is to jump on the ‘hate Trump’ boat?”

Here are some of the most outraged tweets:

You can watch the video heard round the Trump-world below:

Golden State Warriors May Skip Pointless White House Photo Op

We have our first “sports team skipping White House visit” story in the Donald Trump era. The Golden State Warriors, who captured the NBA title on Monday night, will reportedly skip their visit to the White House.

The Warriors released an official statement that said, “We have not received an invitation to the White House, but will make those decisions when and if necessary.”

I hope Trump gets ahead of this and doesn’t bother the Warriors or any other sports team for a White House visit. It’s a dumb tradition anyway. You may recall the Patriots, sans Tom Brady, visited the White House after their Super Bowl victory. That whole thing turned into a mess that ended in a Twitter war. Because that’s how everything ends nowadays.

No word yet on what the Pittsburgh Penguins are going to do.

Hope Hicks: Donald Trump’s Girlfriend? The Internet Thinks So

Though it's easy to forget among the numerous scandals and allegations of treason surrounding the Trump administration, Donald Trump's Presidency has also been filled with suggestions that he and his wife clearly aren't getting along.

Well, it looks like the internet has decided that he has a girlfriend, and they even think that they've figured out who.

Hope Hicks in Sunglasses

So, when you can't keep track of who some star is dating or you totally know but you just can't remember the name, you just pick up your phone or bring up Google and say: "Charlie Sheen girlfriend."

And that's the way to do it, by the way. Please don't make search engine algorithms try to make sense of "Who is that actor Charlie Sheen dating again? I forget" It is 2017 and people shouldn't be typing sentences into Google unless they're looking to match song lyrics or root out plagiarism.

(His girlfriend is Julia Stambler by the way, but that's neither here no there)

Well, Hope Hicks is Donald Trump's 28-year-old White House Director of Strategic Communications, and as reported by Inquisitr, people Googling information about her seem to regard her as Donald Trump's girlfriend.

Not everyone, but enough that Google's infamous suggested searches -- the autofill function -- seems eager to suggest it.

Hope Hicks and Donald Trump

A lot of people don't know much about Hope.

Our first reaction to Hope Hicks' name was to wonder what it's like to have a name like "Hope" and work in an administration that embodies despair.

But on second thought, we realized that her name makes sense for the Trump White House, given Trump's base demographics.

This is right up there with an NSA whistleblower named "Reality Winner."

Like, if someone were just sitting down and writing all of this for a TV show, they'd probably need to go back and make the names more realistic.

But, though Google Trends says that there wasn't really an uptick in searches for Hope Hicks until a couple of months ago, she's been with the administration since the beginning.

In fact, she was at the notably undercrowded inauguration, seen alongside Kellyanne Conway -- both dressed as very different flavors of supervillains.

Hope Hicks and Kellyanne Conway

If Kellyanne dressed as a supervillain who sends ransom notes in a jack-in-the-box, Hope dressed as a supervillain who turns her enemies to stone.

The thing is that we can't find any real indications that Hope Hicks is anything more than Trump's employee.

But we think that one factor in making people suggest this is that her looks are ... above average.

Well above average -- she was a model for Ralph Lauren.

She does do her makeup like she's 40, but that's not at all uncommon for affluent conservative women. Sometimes even when they're still teenagers.

And that's totally her right; she can wear makeup however she likes. But she still looks like somebody's 28-year-old stepmom.

Trump is notoriously picky, but when viewed alongside racist elf Jeff Sessions and Steve Bannon, who looks like every male NPC in The Witcher, it's easy to see how she might look appealing to someone like Trump.

Add in the apparent marital tension going on in the Trump family, hundreds of millions of people keeping up with news of the administration, and time ... and you're going to see some people speculate.

Hope Hicks Bundled Up

By reputation, Trump is as womanizing as he is orange.

We don't just mean the infamous "grab 'em by the p---y" tape or the fact that he's had three wives ... but those are major factors.

Some Twitter users have noted that Hope Hicks' office is fairly close to his, and suggested that an improper relationship would explain that.

Even if it turned out that Hope Hicks is genuinely Trump's girlfriend, or mistress, or whatever, we're not going to kid ourselves and imagine that the base that elected him will turn on him for it.

Even though they are almost all the same people who acted scandalized by the Monica Lewinsky scandal back in the '90s.

This administration has a massive political advantage, in that the core of Trump's voters don't seem to mind anything that he says or does, and it's hard to think of that changing easily or soon.

Hope Hicks Smiling

As far as we know, no one actually has any evidence that Hope and Trump are seeing each other.

Ugh, and we do not want to think about what form that "evidence" would take.

If that really is what's going on ... we guess we hope she's into watersports, huh?

Sorry; we made it worse.

Kathy Griffin Believes She’s the Victim for Donald Trump Beheading Picture

Remember the Rosie O’Donnell vs. Donald Trump feud? Get ready for that. Except a million times worse.

Kathy Griffin put herself in the middle of a controversy recently when her Donald Trump beheading photo leaked. The picture led Barron Trump to believe that his dad was actually dead.

Griffin issued an apology, but it was still a bad and stupid thing to do.

Now, she’s going on the offensive. After receiving threats from Trump supporters and the like, Griffin held a press conference and had the following to say.

“If you don’t stand up, you get run over. What’s happening to me has never happened in this great country. A sitting president of the U.S. … is personally trying to ruin my life forever.”

She does know that she started this, right?

Griffin’s attorney, Lisa Bloom, weighed in.

“As a result of the first family bullying her, she has been vilified, getting death threats, fired from multiple jobs and had multiple events canceled,”

She’s probably been fired and had multiple events canceled because everyone in America with a brain is trying to stay away from anyone who brings Trump controversy. Griffin brought this controversy upon herself and companies don’t want to get hit by any of the backlash.

They also played the “female” card. Griffin said:

“This is a woman thing.”

No, you idiots, this isn’t “a woman thing.” This is a “you being stupid thing.” You didn’t think posing with a severed Trump head would cause backlash and have the Secret Service investigating you? I know a reality TV star is president, and that would seem to mean that the rules have changed, but perceived threats are handled just the same. In fact, they’re probably handled even more delicately given who the president is.

I don’t know how deep the bullying against her goes, and if it is bad, Trump has far bigger things to worry about. But Griffin brought this upon herself and playing the victim gets her no sympathy from me. Think before you post.

Here’s the full press conference if you have 20 minutes to kill. I suggest watching an episode of The Office or smashing your head into a wall instead.

We Have No Sympathy For Kathy Griffin!

We have no sympathy for Kathy Griffin.

Her press conference today made things WORSE!

Watch this full video HERE: https://goo.gl/5AKRXE

Donald Trump Jr. Comes For Ken Jennings After The Jeopardy Champ Makes Brutal Barron Trump Joke!

We'll take "Awkward Twitter Spars" for $500, Alex.

Ken Jennings is famous for holding the record for the longest winning streak on Jeopardy! -- but some are calling the game show vet a big loser after he made a brutal joke about Barron Trump.

Related: Barron Is D.C. Bound!

On Wednesday, Jennings tweeted a joke about Donald Trump's youngest son, poking fun at reports that the 11-year-old thought Kathy Griffin's photo shoot with his dad's decapitated head was the real deal.

He shared:

Yeesh.

After some criticized Jennings for making a savage joke about a child fearing the death of his father, the former contestant redirected attention to the president, quipping:


But by then, it was too late. Conservatives came for Jennings on social media -- including Barron's big bro Donald Trump Jr., who publically condemned Jennings' jab, writing:

And soon, more conservatives fueled the already flaming dumpster fire.

Video: Late Night Hosts Break Down Trump's 'Covfefe' Blunder!

Right-wing blogger Ginger McQueen pointed out Jennings writes children's books for Simon & Schuster, and encouraged Barron-defenders to threaten a boycott to the publishing house -- which Donny Jr. couldn't help but jump at as well:


But in the end, it was Jennings who got the last bitter laugh. The Jeopardy champ wrote a retort to DJ, referencing his widely-criticized affinity for big game hunting:

So, who won this round? Everyone who doesn't have a Twitter...

[Image via Instagram.]

Kathy Griffin Made the Secret Service’s List, What a Dumbass

Kathy Griffin done messed up this time. Why? A leaked photo showed Griffin holding the decapitated head of Donald Trump.

The photo was part of her shoot with Tyler Shields. He’s a photographer known for pushing boundaries. His past photos include a black guy lynching a fully-clothed, white Ku Klux Klan member. Another shows two black men forcefully holding down a white cop.

Surprisingly, to no one at all, the photo has earned Griffin a spot on the Secret Service’s shit list. The Secret Service actually used Twitter to confirm their investigation of Griffin.

Great Leader does not appreciate this image, Kathy.

Griffin realized a little too late that you probably don’t pose with decapitated heads of our presidents. She had to tweet out an apology video.

In her video, she said:

“I sincerely apologize. I am just now seeing the reaction of these images. I’m a comic. I crossed the line. I move the line, then I cross it. I went way too far. The image is too disturbing. I understand how it offends people. It wasn’t funny. I get it. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my career. I will continue. I ask your forgiveness. Taking down the image. Gonna ask the photographer to take down the image. And I beg for your forgiveness. I went too far. I made a mistake and I was wrong. ”

Let’s see how this plays with the righteous. Will they deem Griffin’s groveling worthy of their forgiveness? We shall see.

Griffin has had her share of controversies too. She angered the religious when she accepted an Emmy, saying “Suck it, Jesus, this award is my God now!” That’s not too offensive tbh.

She’s also not a fan of Trump, even before this photograph. She booed Megyn Kelly for complimenting Trump. A fake ad also had her yelling “Fuck off” to Donald’s voiceover whenever he’d mention one of his pussy grabbing type comments.

Honestly, that photo isn’t anything shocking. Griffin probably should’ve erred on the side of caution though. Too bad. She’ll lose a bunch of endorsements and deals, so it’s not like she won’t feel any consequences. It’ll be interesting to see how long people will hold this against her.

Kathy Griffin "Beheads" Donald Trump, Pisses Off Internet

Warning: There are three people involved in this story, and perpetually-parched celebrity photographer Tyler Shields might be the least obnoxious one.

You may remember Shields from the time when he took lots photos of Lindsay Lohan seductively nibbling her fingers, back when that was a thing some people wanted to see.

Chronicling the life of LiLo never helped Shields develop into a slightly less creepy Terry Richardson like it was supposed to, so these days he's changing strategies.

Interestingly, he remains fixated on Cheeto-colored throwback celebs who wore out their welcomes well over a decade ago.

And now, Shields has figured out a way to squeeze two carrot-hued relics into one desperate publicity stunt.

Yes, if you've spent much time on social media today, then you probably caught wind of the controversy involving Kathy Griffin and a bloody, beheaded Trump dummy.

If you haven't been on Twitter in the past couple hours, we recommend you keep your distance, as the takes are more red hot than Jared Kushner's face when someone uses the phrase "back channel" in his presence.

They're hotter than the incubation room where Steve Bannon stores the leathery eggs of his future progeny.

They might even be hotter than the young, Lahren-esque communications director who will emerge out of nowhere once Kellyanne and Spicy go missing sometime next week.

People are pissed, is what we're saying.

And of course, no one is more pissed than noted famous name-haver and grown up kid from The Omen, Donald Trump, Jr.

"Disgusting but not surprising. This is the left today. They consider this acceptable," an irate DJTJ told the press today.

Griffin is sticking to her guns, claiming that she does not condone violence, and is merely sticking it to the "Mocker-in-Chief" in the crass fashion he seems to prefer.

"There was blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his ... wherever," Griffin said, referencing last year's infamous Trump-Megyn Kelly feud.

Check out some footage from the photo shoot to decide for yourself if Griffin was out of line, or just giving Donnie a taste of his own medicine:

Kathy griffin beheads donald trump pisses off internet

Hillary Clinton Commencement Speech: Was She Trolling Trump?

Well, it's graduation time, which means there's a good chance you'll soon be forced to cut a check to a nephew you haven't seen in three years and/or make an appearance at a booze-free party that's attended mostly by snapchatting teens.

But there are good things about this time of year, too:

Primarily, the fact that you get to see various celebrities do a little cap-and-gown standup routine without actually racking up a lifetime worth of debt yourself.

Today, graduates at Wellesley College got the super-, mega-A-list treatment courtesy of former Secretary of State and noted popular vote winner Hillary Clinton, who gave her third commencement speech at the Massachusetts liberal arts school.

(Her first was as a graduate in 1969.)

Clinton did not announce that she's running for mayor of New York City (looking more and more like a few media outlets got a bad tip on that one), but she did make headlines doing what so many of us have been doing for the past four months:

Taking dead aim at the low-hanging fruit that is the Trump administration.

After reminding those in attendance that they're “graduating at a time when there’s a full-fledged assault on truth and reason” Clinton really went in:

"When people in power invent their own facts and attack those who question them, it can mark the beginning of the end of a free society," she said at one point.

"That is not hyperbole, it is what authoritarian regimes throughout history have done. ... They attempt to control reality."

In case that was too subtle, she also had this to say:

“People [are] denying science, concocting elaborate, hurtful conspiracy theories about child-abuse rings operating out of pizza parlors, drumming up rampant fear about undocumented immigrants, Muslims, minorities, the poor, turning neighbor against neighbor and sowing division at a time when we desperately need unity.

“Some are even denying things we see with our own eyes, like the size of crowds, and then defending themselves by talking about quote-unquote 'alternative facts.'”

Yeah, it was basically the climactic battle rap scene in 8 Mile disguised as a commencement speech.

Watch the whole thing below:

Hillary clinton commencement speech was she trolling trump

Donald Trump and Emmanuel Macron Battle in the Handshake Wars

Donald Trump is making all kinds of friends at the NATO Leaders Summit. His latest BFF is French President Emmanuel Macron. Watch as the two greet each other with a friendly handshake.

The handshake lasts five seconds and is more intense than the NBA playoffs. Watch Trump closely. He doesn’t do his usual “pulling in” power move. Either Macron has him well scouted or Trump decides to take pity on an unworthy challenger.

Trump learns from his mistakes the second time around.

He pulls him in immediately upon grabbing his hand and gives him a death stare as he does it. “Puny French man. You may have handshaked me to a draw the first time. But I have learned from my mistakes, done 100 curls and stress ball exercises, and am now stronger than ever.”

Trump using handshakes to show how powerful he is is my favorite thing about him. He’s the president of the United States, but that doesn’t mean a thing unless he has the handshake to back it up.

Donald Trump Shoves Aside NATO Leader With His Tiny Shrimp Fingers

Donald Trump is the president of the United States. That means that he runs the whole world and is the most important man of all-time ever.

If you don’t believe me, just watch Trump at the NATO Leader’s summit.

That’s Trump shoving Dusko Markovic, the Prime Minister of Montenegro, out of the way. Trump probably didn’t realize who he was. “This guy isn’t even black,” he’s thinking.

Just look at Trump’s face. He makes that “Excuse me, I’m way more important than you” face as he shoves the guy aside. Then he completely ignores him as he looks around, waiting for his spotlight to come on.

Trump is amazing because I’m pretty sure he does this because he’s a celebrity, not because he’s the president. Like, being a celebrity is more important and rewarding than being president to him. This is a total, “I’m a highly important and famous celebrity” move, not an “I’m the President,” move.

Do you think Trump even knows what NATO does?

Melania Trump Broke Down and Finally Held Donald Trump’s Hand

The force is strong with this one. Melania Trump did so well in avoiding holding Donald Trump’s shrimp fingers, but one can only do so much.

It started with the swat. The Trumps disembarked onto the tarmac in Israel a few days ago. While walking, Donald reached out for Melania’s hand which she promptly batted away. Not today, Donald…Not today.

What is Donald if not persistent. The two then headed to Italy on their foreign tour. This time, the two stood at the Air Force One exit and waved to, I dunno, the crowd maybe (They were YUUUGE! The biggest Italian crowd ever). Again, the Donald reached for Melania’s hand. Melania already used the swat technique, so she resorted to another move. The “tuck the hair behind the ear” trick.

Two L’s for Donald, but he finally won and Melania gave in.

You can almost see Melania counting “One, one thousand…” in her head before Donald will let her hand go.

Sinkhole Appears RIGHT In Front Of Donald Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Estate & Twitter Can’t Handle The Hellish Metaphor!

Mar-a-Lago: home to the most beautiful chocolate cakes you’ve ever seen… and the ugliest, stinkiest sinkholes!

Hell opened up in front of Donald Trump‘s Palm Beach, Florida estate over the weekend in the form of a 4′ x 4’ sinkhole in the road right by the side entrance.

Video: Melania Totally Denies A Donald’s Hand Grab!

Town officials issued a traffic alert on Monday morning, which read:

“A 4′ x 4′ sinkhole has formed on Southern Boulevard directly in front of Mar-a-Lago. It appears to be in the vicinity of the newly installed water main. West Palm Beach Utilities distribution crews have secured the area and will most likely need to do some exploratory excavation today.”

Let’s hope this really is from a “newly installed water main” and not the Donald opening a literal gate to hell. (Though in his defense, Steve Bannon could probably use a trip home by now.)

Twitter also failed to see the sinkhole as a standard utility problem, and instead saw a giant, perhaps too-on-the-nose metaphor:

Other Twitics couldn’t help but be alarmed that the sinkhole came right after Trump was pictured touching a mysterious glowing orb on his trip to Saudi Arabia:

Yikes!

Better be on the lookout for swarms of locusts coming out of Trump Tower.

[Image via C-SPAN/WPTV.]