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Donald Trump Said He ‘Can Always Get Another Wife’ If Melania Left Him Over Stormy Daniels Affair

There’s pretty much a 100% chance that the President of the United States watched Mike Tyson fight a shark. It’s not the worst thing that a President has watched in the White House, but it’s a bit weird that we found out the President was obsessed with sharks from the porn star he was cheating on his wife with. Now the president’s former fixer Michael Cohen says Trump was basically unconcerned with the idea that his wife might leave him over the affair.

The Daily Mail had excerpts from Cohen’s upcoming book detailing the incident:

‘His attitudes came from a different era, more like the Rat Pack of the 1950s and he never took seriously the need to respect women.

‘If he ever got caught cheating and Melania threatened to leave him he wouldn’t be upset or hurt at the loss, and I suspect she knew it. The relationship was just another deal, plain and simple.

‘I can always get another wife’, Trump told me. ‘That’s no problem for me, if she wants to go, so be it’.

Of course, Melania doesn’t exactly come across as emotionally invested in the relationship. Here’s how Cohen describes her reaction to Trump being accused of sexual assault:

‘Each of us was aware of the deception but following an unwritten rule that we wouldn’t acknowledge that reality.

‘All the while I could tell she knew I was lying. But she knew. She knew everything, but she didn’t do what most wives would do and insist on the whole story’.

Most things you hear about Trump make him sound like an out-of-touch rich guy you have a lot of trouble relating to, but there is one thing about him in the book that I think everyone can relate to; he seems to hate Don Jr. This was Trump’s reaction when those pictures of Don and Eric going big game hunting surfaced.

He screamed at his son: ‘What the f*** is wrong with you? You think you’re a big man with a $10,000 gun sitting on the rocks and then boom!

‘You kill some f****** animal? Why the f*** would you post photos like that? You think you’re a f****** big man? Get the f*** out of my office’.

Who among us, regardless of political beliefs, hasn’t wanted to say the same thing to Don Jr.?

There’s not a lot of new information in Cohen’s book, just confirmation of things we already knew, like that Trump wants to have sex with Ivanka and not Tiffany and sends he Ivanka to close deals because he thinks she’s so hot that the other party will make mistakes. You know, normal President stuff.

The post Donald Trump Said He ‘Can Always Get Another Wife’ If Melania Left Him Over Stormy Daniels Affair appeared first on The Blemish.

Joe Exotic to Donald Trump: You Wanna Get Re-Elected? Then Let Me Out of Jail!

At this point, the coronavirus pandemic has been going on for so long that it's hard to remember what life was like at the beginning of this mess.

But if we think hard enough, we can remember a more innocent time -- a time when we all believed the lockdown would only last a few weeks, and a man known as the Tiger King dominated the national consciousness.

Meet Joe Exotic

These days, the world has moved on to more grievous matters, and the clock has long since run out on Joe Exotic's 15 minutes of fame have.

Like so many flash-in-the-pan reality stars, Joe is desperate to get back in the spotlight.

But his thirst for relevance has nothing to do with a desire to get rich by selling laxative weight loss teas on Instagram.

Joe Exotic Mugshot

Exotic is currently in prison, serving 22 years on animal cruelty and murder for hire charges.

The evidence against him is pretty damning, so it's unlikely that he'll get a second trial through the usual appeals process.

Basically, if he wants to see the light of day before a still-quarantined populace rings in 2040, he'll need some help from a man who probably would've ended up a polygamous big cat enthusiast himself, had he been born into a slightly less-rich family.

Donald Trump is Irate

We're talking, of course, about Donald John Trump.

Exotic has been seeking a presidential pardon for several months now, and while it seems unlikely, the live Scarface reenactment that is the Republican National Convention reminds us that nothing is impossible with President Numb Gums in office.

For a while, there was a plan for Exotic supporters to storm the White House and demand a pardon.

Donald Trump in Battle Creek

We assumed those plans fell by the wayside amid the insanity that is 2020, but according to a new interview with Exotic's husband, plans to have the Orange Man free the Tiger King are still a go.

"So the pardon, Joe's legal team are sending out the requests for it next week or the week after," Dillon Passage told Good Morning Britain this week.

"They are driving a car all the way to DC to deliver it in person."

Dillon Passage and Joe Exotic

Dillon went on to claim that Joe did not try to have Carole Baskin killed, but was framed by rival zookeeper Jeff Lowe.

"We all know the situation, the people who are actually in Joe's life. We know he was confronted with this plot to take out Carol," Passage said.

"He was put in this position where he was already in a really depressed mental state and that was kind of taken advantage of by someone he thought he could trust," he continued.

Joe Exotic and Dillon Passage

"There is loads of evidence that proves it, that was not used in the court case, that was thrown out by the judge."

Passage went on to claim that Exotic was the victim of a vast conspiracy, and if nothing else, he hopes his husband get the chance to show the world what really happened with a second trial.

"There was another agenda by multiple little corporations in the animal world working against Joe… a lot of people were trying to keep him out of the business and a lot of it is going to come to light during this pardon," Dillon said.

Dillon Passage Throwback with Husband Joe Exotic

"And if not the pardon, if it's rejected, the appeals process is really going to show the world exactly the situation that has happened."

As for the Oklahoma zoo where the Joe Exotic story began, Passage confirmed that Baskin has taken control, and he says the animals' whereabouts are a mystery to everyone but her.

"Jeff Lowe ... now he's back in Vegas, in Nevada… The zoo has officially been closed down, Carol Baskin owns the zoo," Passage said.

Carole Baskin on the Show Tiger King

"Jeff had to find a way to move all the animals and honestly I have no idea where they have gone."

Well, we guess there's plenty of mystery to fuel the inevitable Tiger Kind spin-off series.

Although honestly, we've had enough Joe Exotic for the time being.

Taylor Swift: Hey, America, Donald Trump is Trying to Steal the Election!

Remember when Taylor Swift would often get criticized for being too apolitical?

Thankfully, those days are almost hard to hearken back to at this point.

swift and don

The singer started to shed this reputation in the fall of 2018 when she showed her support for two Democrats running for office in Tennessee.

Then, in May of this year, Swift trashed President Donald Trump as a racist.

Now, meanwhile, the beloved singer is back with a warning.

In a series of Tweets on Saturday, Swuft joined other celebrities and politicians in calling out the Commander-in-Chief's continued attacks on mail-in voting.

Taylor Swift on Insta

“Trump’s calculated dismantling of USPS proves one thing clearly: He is WELL AWARE that we do not want him as our president,” the 30-year-old singer wrote.

“He’s chosen to blatantly cheat and put millions of Americans’ lives at risk in an effort to hold on to power.”

Trump has basically admitted to doing this.

He's installed a syncophant as Postmaster General and he's said he's withholdhing funds from the postal service in order to mess with the main-in voting system.

Taylor Wins An Award

The President has claimed over and over that mail-in voting is fraught with fraud despite possessing literally no evidence to back up their dangerous allegations.

Due to COVID-19, too, more Americans than ever before are expected to cast a ballot via this method.

Moreover, millions of Americans are not receiving their medication on time, or other necessary parcels, due to Trump ordering a purposeful delay in the delivery system.

taylor v. trump

Added Taylor in her message:

"Donald Trump’s ineffective leadership gravely worsened the crisis that we are in and he is now taking advantage of it to subvert and destroy our right to vote and vote safely."

What action can people take out there?

"Request a ballot early. Vote early," Swift concluded.

Donald Trump is Irate

In addition to suggesting the election be delayed, the President has erroneously claimed that mail-in voting will lead to fraudulent results.

And that the Postal Service doesn't have the wherewithal to accommodate the surge in mail-in voting heading into the upcoming November election.

This is something the USPS has denied.

But who cares about facts, right?!?

Donald Trump in Battle Creek

"The Postal Service has ample capacity to adjust our nationwide processing and delivery network to meet projected Election and Political Mail volume, including any additional volume that may result as a response to the COVID-19 pandemic," the agency said in a statement to CNN earlier this month.

On Friday, this same outlet reported that the Postal Service had begun reducing hours and removing mail collection boxes in a number of states.

Yes, they are literally taking away mailboxes.

Taylor Swift Gets Sassy

Just like Swift, singer Jason Mraz has encouraged people to vote in the wake of Trump's comments, explaining on Friday that both he and his dad previously worked for USPS.

He said that based on his experiences, the service would not "fail" during an election due to high volume.

First, Mraz shared this old photo of himself:


And then he added on Instagram:

"Do not think for a minute that this time tested system would fail us during an election.

"A government by & for the people would make sure the postal service is running at full capacity instead of closing branches and turning off AUTOMATED sorting machines which make sorting faster and easier.

"Bu, tsuspiciously, we have an administration trying to undermine the hardworking service men & women who make the USPS possible."

Did Donald Trump Just Ban Fortnite?

Donald Trump has had a real hard-on for shutting down TikTok, the popular Chinese social media website. Unlike most of the things Trump says and does, this isn’t entirely crazy, as TikTok collects a lot of user data, though not really any more than, say Facebook. It just that Trump knows how much of that data Facebook and Amazon and similar companies give to the US government and assume TikTok owners likewise share the information they collect with the Chinese government, which is not a stretch to imagine.

Donald Trump signed an executive order aimed at TikTok and Chinese-owned messaging app WeChat on Thursday which bans “any transaction by any person, or with respect to any property, subject to the jurisdiction of the United States, with ByteDance Ltd.”

Trump also signed a similar order about TenCent, a large Chinese gaming company and that is where things get interesting. If you play games on your phone, you’ve probably seen the Tencent logo on at least one game.

Tencent also40% of Epic Games, the makers of Fortnite, and 100% of Riot Games, the owners of League of Legends. If they aren’t divested to new owners in 45 days, it could be illegal to play Fortnite.

Probably not, though, as Trump only really seems interested in WeChat, though Donald Trump accidentally banning the world’s most popular video game and then doubling down on it as if he did it intentionally to save face would not be out of character for him at all.

Honestly, it would be hilarious if after all the stupid things Trump has done and all the campaign promises he failed to deliver on (where’s that wall he was talking about?), the thing that costs him the election is gamers rising up.

The post Did Donald Trump Just Ban Fortnite? appeared first on The Blemish.

Donald Trump’s Enemies List Allegedly Just Women Who Wouldn’t Have Sex With Him

Richard Nixon rather famously had an enemies list, which was mostly politicians and activists but also included Paul Newman. That’s right, Tricky Dick was spending his last days in office plotting to get back at Butch Cassidy, probably by telling him his salad dressing sucks.

Donald Trump’s niece is writing a tell-all book about the President and she alleges that he has a similar list, but his is comprised of women who wouldn’t sleep with him. I’ll bet his list is a lot longer, Nixon’s only had 20 names on it.

InStyle had the relevant excerpt from the book, which the president maintains is full of falsehoods.

“One night, as I sat at home trying to figure out how to piece together something vaguely interesting out of the uninteresting documents I’d been poring over,” Mary writes,  she got a message from Donald’s assistant that he’d be sending pages over soon. “‘I’ve been working on material for the book. It’s really good,’” Mary remembers Donald telling her over the phone.

But when Mary opened the folder containing a 10-page transcript of a recording Donald had made, she realized it wasn’t about business. “It was an aggrieved compendium of women he had expected to date but who, having refused him, were suddenly the worst, ugliest and fattest slobs he’d ever met,” Mary writes. “The biggest takeaways were that Madonna chewed gum in a way Donald found unattractive, and that Katarina Witt, a German Olympic figure skater who had won two gold medals and four world championships, had big calves. I stopped asking him for an interview.”

She also said Donald ogled her at Mar-A-Lago once when he was married to Marla Maples.

“Donald, who was wearing golf clothes, looked up at me as I approached as if he’d never really seen me before. ‘Holy s**t, Mary. You’re stacked.’ ‘Donald!’ Marla said in mock horror, slapping him lightly on the arm. I was 29 and not easily embarrassed, but my face reddened, and I suddenly felt self-conscious.”

I mean, I can believe it, have you seen the way he looks at Ivanka?

But seriously, his list of women who rejected him is 10 pages long. That’s seriously embarrassing.

The post Donald Trump’s Enemies List Allegedly Just Women Who Wouldn’t Have Sex With Him appeared first on The Blemish.

The Rolling Stones are Threatening to Sue Donald Trump for Using Their Songs at Rallies; Maybe Sacha Baron Cohen Will Write Him a New Campaign Song

Ronald Reagan famously used Brice Springsteen’s ‘Born in the USA’ as a campaign song, and I’m pretty sure the only reason The Boss didn’t sue to stop him is he thought it was too funny, seeing as how ‘Born in the USA’ is about how America sucks.

Donald Trump hasn’t even been that lucky and basically any time he plays a song at a campaign the musician who wrote it asks him to never do it again, including the ghost of Tom Petty.

It’s gotten so bad for the President that I’m expecting him to start using royalty-free backing tracks and then have ElectronicaBoss42069 put out a statement saying “I don’t approve of Donald Trump and am looking at ways to prevent him from using ‘Rumba Fart Beats Mix 217’ at future events.”

The latest group seeking to stop Trump from using their music is The Rolling Stones, who are threatening to sue if he doesn’t stop using ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’ to close his rallies.

Wait… ‘You Can’t Always Get What You Want’? That’s the song he walks off stage to? I guess that explains why he hasn’t been able to build that border wall. Bill Clinton used Fleetwood Mac’s ‘Don’t Stop’ for his campaigns, a song about how things are going to get better. They didn’t, but at least it wasn’t the “okay guys, temper your expectations” song.

I’d like to mention that when Rolling Stones bass player Bill Wyman was in his 50s he married an 18-year-old he had been in an intimate relationship with for five years. Do the math on that. Even he thinks being associated with Trump is bad for his image.

But if Trump is really hard up for a new campaign song, maybe Sachs Baron Cohen can write him one. He sang one that seems appropriate enough at a Three Percenter rally this weekend.

Tell me that’s not exactly the sort of thing you hear in your head when you think about what songs you’d expect to hear at a Trump rally. And Cohen got away with that for almost ten minutes because he cut someone a check.

The post The Rolling Stones are Threatening to Sue Donald Trump for Using Their Songs at Rallies; Maybe Sacha Baron Cohen Will Write Him a New Campaign Song appeared first on The Blemish.

Dwayne Johnson Lays the Smackdown on Donald Trump

Dwayne Johnson is known far more for his acting career at this point than his wrestling career.

But the former WWE superstar returned to his in-ring roots on Wednesday night by cutting a vicious promo against the country's most prominent heel:

President Donald Trump.

Dwayne Johnson speech

“Where are you?” the movie star and producer asked in a video posted to Instagram, addressing the Commander-in-Chief and asking:

“Where is our leader? Where is our leader at this time when our country is down on its knees, begging, pleading, hurt, angry, frustrated, in pain with its arms out, just wanting to be heard?”

Johnson, of course, was reacting to the past several days of civil unrest.

In the wake of George Floyd being killed by a Minnesota police offiicer, protests against police brutality have broken out in all 50 states.

Dwayne Johnson Poses

President Trump has threatened to unleash the U.S. military on his own citizens in response to the protests, focusing on the instances of violence and looting during these uprisings... as opposed to the underlying issue at stake here:

The systematic racism that has plagued America for centuries.

Johnson's passionate videi nearly nine minutes long.

Despite semi-series rumors that he may run for President one day, these remarrks represent the most political Johnson has ever really gotten on social mediia.

Dwayne Johnson Up Close

He never mentions Trump by name... but there's no mistake who he's addressing when Johnson calls for a “compassionate leader to step up to our country."

What would such a leader say right now?

"You stand up, stand up with me because I got you. I hear you, I’m listening to you. 

"And you have my word that I’m going to do everything in my power, until my dying day, my last breath, to do everything I can to create the change that is needed, to normalize equality because black lives matter."

The Rock Johnson

Johnson -- who talked to his 185 million followers with these powerful words -- also addressed those “all lives matter” critics, saying they are wildly missing the point:

"Of course all lives matter. Every single one. All lives matter because we, as Americans, we believe in inclusivity, we believe in acceptance, we believe in human rights.

"We believe in equality for all. So of course, all lives matter, but in this moment right now, this defining, pivotal, explosive moment where our country is down on its knees…

"We must say the words: Black lives matter.”

Dwayne Johnson Laughs

The wildly popular star then continued, saying as “we continue to wait for that leader to emerge, I recommended to all of you that we must become the leaders we’re looking for. We become our own leaders -- because we’re doing it now.”

He said he was taking a stand on behalf of his own family.

The viral message concluded by once more addressing Trump, who has been criticized for mishandling the situation.

Johnson said we must strive for change outside of this administration.

Donald Trump is Irate

“I’ll ask it one more time: Where are you?” he said.

Where is that compassionate leader who steps up and takes accountability for his country and all the people in our country? Where are you? I’ll tell you what, we’re here. We’re all here.

And the process to change has already begun.

You can feel it - you can feel it across our country. Change is happening. It’s going to take time. We’re going to get beat up.

We’re going to take our lumps. There’s going to be blood, but the process of change has already begun.

Donald Trump in Battle Creek

A few days ago, Taylor Swift also berated and taunted President Trump.

"After stoking the fires of white supremacy and racism your entire presidency, you have the nerve to feign moral superiority before threatening violence?" Swift Tweeted after Trump referred to protestors as "THUGS," adding last week:

"'When the looting starts the shooting starts’??? We will vote you out in November. @realdonaldtrump."

Joe Exotic to Donald Trump: Either Let Me Out of Prison, or Prepare to Get Harassed By Rednecks!

Back in January of 2019, Joe Exotic was sentenced to 23 years in prison on murder for hire and animal cruelty charges.

Of course, it was only about six weeks ago that Joe became an international celebrity thanks to the breakout success of Tiger King, the Netflix documentary about his wild life and times.

So it should come as no surprise that Joe is attempting to capitalize on his newfound fame by requesting a presidential pardon from Donald Trump.

That may sound like a long shot, but it's important to bear in mind that sucking up to celebrities and handing out presidential pardons to people who are clearly guilty are two of Trump's favorite things.

During an April press conference, Trump suggested that he would consider pardoning Exotic.

While administration insiders later said it would never happen, it seems that mention was all the encouragement Joe and his supporters needed.

According to a new report from TMZ, Joe's Fort Worth, Texas-based legal team has prepared a case file for Trump to review.

The lawyers are reportedly arguing that Joe is completely innocent of the allegation that he hired a hitman to kill Carole Baskin, his longtime professional rival.

They claim the animal cruelty charges were tacked on in order to make the jury hate Joe so that they would be more likely to convict him on the unrelated charge of trying to kill Carole.

Well aware that the president is a fan of pageantry and excess, the lawyers are not simply sending Trump the file via certified mail.

No, they've wrapped a bus with pro-Joe messages, and it seems they're planning to drive it to the White House and make a public announcement on Mr. Exotic's behalf.

"President Trump, please pardon Joe Exotic," one sign reads.

Another decal reads simply, "Team Tiger."

Their timing might be a little off, as pardoning a reality star during an election year in the midst of a public health crisis would be pretty bonkers even by Trump standards.

Then again, this might be exactly the sort of distraction the president needs right now.

Exotic will no doubt be mocked for this move, but when you're facing a couple more decades behind bars, and you've got a potential sympathizer in the White House, you might as well swing for the fences!

Joe exotic to donald trump either let me out of prison or prepar

Donald Trump Considers Pardoning Joe Exotic

Yesterday was a big day for Donald Trump, he essentially won his second term. Have you ever seen that boxing match where Muhammad Ali fought Ernie Terrell? The one where Ali beat him mercilessly and didn’t knock him out so he could keep beating him because Terrell had called Ali by his birth name, Cassius Clay, before the fight, and so Ali yelled “What’s my name!?” while delivering the brutal beating? That’s basically going to be how the debates between Trump and Biden go, only Trump is going to be asking Biden “What’s your name!?” and Joe will have no idea.

As part of Donald Trump’s victory lap, he even suggested he might pardon Joe Exotic, the subject of the popular Netflix doc Tiger King.

Via TMZ:

I can’t believe this guy is going to win 45 states in November, but he absolutely is.

I can’t get over how much Donald Trump seems like a guy trying to sell you a used car, though.

The post Donald Trump Considers Pardoning Joe Exotic appeared first on The Blemish.

Joe Exotic to Donald Trump: Get Me Out Jail So We Can Party With Some Bigly Cats!

At this point, we assume you're at least passingly familiar with the saga of Joseph Allen Schreibvogel Maldonado Passage, aka Joe Exotic, the gun-toting, polygamous country singer/politician/big cat enthusiast at the center of Netflix's most outrageous documentary series.

If you're somehow unaware of Joe and the absolutely bonkers misadventures that have quickly made him 2020's most-memeable public figure, we encourage you to drop everything and binge watch Tiger King at your earliest convenience.

Meet Joe Exotic

Trust us, once you dive into the world of the Tiger Wars, you won't want to come up for air.

We'll put it this way -- there's a scene where a guy blows his brains out, and it doesn't crack the top ten list of Tiger King's most-discussed moments.

Anyway, if you've already seen the series, you know that Joe Exotic is serving 22 years behind bars for allegedly hiring a hitman to kill his rival, Carole Baskin.

(Numerous charges of animal abuse and neglect -- which were much easier to prove than the murder-for-hire plot -- certainly didn't help his case.)

Joe Exotic and Friend

Already, Cardi B has started a GoFundMe for Joe Exotic's legal defense, but it seems the 57-year-old former zoo owner is pinning his hopes for freedom on an even bigger celebrity.

In a post that appeared on his his Facebook page this week (it was presumably posted by his husband or legal team), Exotic requested a presidential pardon from Donald Trump.

He also announced that he's suing director and producers of Tiger King for $94 million.

Donnie and Joe

“This lawsuit has been filed in the name of Justice, The Trump Administration must be made aware of the Overreach, perjury, abuse of power and the failure to uphold the Oath of their position which is truth and Justice for all,” the post read in part.

Well, the Donald is a Big Fan of random capitalization, so we guess Joe knows his audience.

But will Trump stick his neck out to free a guy who's been caught on camera engaging in some truly atrocious behavior (and who ran against him in the 2016 presidential election!)?

Tough to say.

Joe Exotic & Baby Cub

It would be an absolutely bonkers thing to do in an election year, but we're talking about two very bonkers gentlemen here.

And there's a good chance that Trump sees a kindred spirit in Joe.

They both love the spotlight and ridiculous attire, for starters.

On top of that, neither of them is satisfied with one sexual partner, and they've both spent years of their life publicly railing against their more demure female rivals, long after any sane person would have let it go.

Carole Baskin

Interestingly, Carole Baskin has also condemned Tiger King and the filmmakers responsible for the documentary.

We guess she wasn't crazy about the episode in which those who know her best make a very strong case that she's guilty of murdering her husband.

When both sides of a conflict feel they were portrayed unfairly, we guess that means the filmmakers did something right.

Of course, this is the morally ambiguous world of Tiger King we're talking about, so it's possible the director and his team have some dirt on their hands, as well.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry: Really Asking Trump for Free Security?

Late last week, it was reported that Meghan Markle and Prince Harry are officially Los Angeles residents after months of residing in Vancouver.

Now, Trump is implying that they asked for government-funded security and were turned down. What is the truth?

Whispering to Meghan

As we reported just a few days ago, Meghan and Harry opted to move to Los Angeles.

Meghan's mother, Doria Ragland, lives there, making it a great spot for them to live.

Additionally, Meghan is an actress and Harry himself could potentially have many opportunities to appear on film in the future.

Meghan may have been hated in the UK, but most people in North America love her. She'll be a perfect fit in L.A.


On Sunday, March 29, an infamously deranged lunatic took to Twitter with a bizarre announcement.

"I am a great friend and admirer of the Queen & the United Kingdom," Donald Trump's tweet began.

"It was reported that Harry and Meghan, who left the Kingdom, would reside permanently in Canada," he noted.

"Now they have left Canada for the U.S.," Trump's tweet continued. "However, the U.S. will not pay for their security protection. They must pay!"

trump tweet meghan markle prince harry pay for own security 29 march 2020

While it's nice to hear Trump shout "they must pay" about anything that's not a minority group or his political opponents, it was a strange tweet.

First of all, it's been known for months that Harry and Meghan were interested in living in Los Angeles.

They were spotted house-hunting in L.A., as we reported much earlier this year.

But we suppose that a guy who can't be bothered to read his own security briefings isn't going to keep abreast of any news that isn't about him.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Are Outta There

As Entertainment Tonight is now reporting, Trump's tweet is also strange because Meghan and Harry never asked for government-funded security.

"The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have no plans to ask the U.S. Government for security resources," an insider reports.

The source confirms that "privately funded security arrangements have been made."

That is not actually much of a surprise.

Meghan Markle and Da Queen

Prince Harry is part of the royal family -- as his grandmother has affirmed multiple times. So are his wife and son.

He, Meghan, and Archie could easily become targets for extremists or opportunists who want to make a point or take a nation hostage.

The Queen may not be the head of government, but she is still the head of state -- which makes her and her entire family a symbol.

Plus, Harry and Meghan are worth tens of millions of dollars. Of course they need security.

Markle and Prince Harry

But the same wealth that compounds their need for private security also gives them the means to hire it themselves.

Yes, there was chatter about Canada offering them security if they resided there.

But a huge part of Meghan and Harry's priorities involves not leeching off of public money when they are themselves wealthy.

So no reasonable person really thought that they were asking for free handouts.

Meghan Markle and Prince Harry Get Serious

If they never asked the US government to offer them gratis protection, why did Trump make that tweet?

Trump has a tell when he's lying, and that tell is "whenever he is speaking or writing."

It may be that he wished to appear "tough" on celebrities, particularly while he is being excoriated for his abysmal failures during this pandemic.

But he may also just personally dislike and resent Meghan and Harry because they are good people and therefore opposed to him and his policies.

Mike Bloomberg Was Super Proud of Getting His 16-Year-Old Daughter Laid All Over China

When you run for President, it’s pretty likely that all the skeletons in your closet will come out. Sometimes, like Bernie Sanders, your opponents will spend half a decade claiming you haven’t been properly better because no matter how much they dig into your past, the worst thing they find is that you were poor and didn’t support CIA death squads, Other times, like Donald Trump, it comes out that you were friends with an infamous pedophile sex trafficker, have been accused of sexual misconduct by scores of women and are constantly talking about how much you want to fuck your own daughter in old interviews. It turns out that Mike Bloomberg is very much the second kind of politician.

You can see for yourself what Bloomberg said in a 1999 Wired article profiling him all the way back when he was just ruining the news as opposed to New York City and potentially the country.

“My daughter is tall and busty and blonde,” Michael Bloomberg is telling a table of Boston College graduates. “We went to China together. And what’s a 16-year-old going to do on a business trip?” He pops another carefully buttered piece of bread in his mouth. “So I got her dates in every city in China.” Remembering that I’m also at the table, he glares in my direction. “That’s off the record!” he barks. It’s typical Mike Bloomberg, wanting to have it both ways: imperious man of the people, coarse billionaire, earthy business leader, accessible control freak.

What is it with these billionaires who were in Jeffery Epstein’s black book and talking about how fuckable their daughters are. Is that just the only depraved thing you can’t actually get away with when you have that ungodly amount of money?

Some people are so irrationally afraid of Donald Trump that they’re willing to elect a guy who is just like him but in a different hat, right down to the creepy comments about his daughter.

Donald Trump is going to absolutely eviscerate this guy if he convinces the DNC to steal the nomination from Bernie Sanders, and this Wired article illustrates one of the reasons. It describes Bloomberg as being “a trim 5’9”.” Bloomberg currently lists his height as 5’8”, but he was positioned next to Elizabeth Warren at the Nevada debate this past Wednesday and when she was eviscerating him over the sexual harassment complaints files against him, you could tell he was several inches shorter than the 5’8” Warren. This is a dude who is probably 5’6” and really self-conscious about it, and Donald Trump has already figured that out.

I mean, I’m no fan of Donald Trump, but these are some of the best tweets anyone has ever made on Twitter (non-dril division).

The post Mike Bloomberg Was Super Proud of Getting His 16-Year-Old Daughter Laid All Over China appeared first on The Blemish.

Donald Trump Thinks Kansas City is in Kansas and Twitter Won’t Let Him Forget It

The Kanas City Chiefs won their first Super Bowl in 50 years on Sunday night.

As a result, residents of the state in which this football teams plays spent several hours celebrating.

They also spent several minutes, we presume, shaking their head over the following depressing fact:

Patrick Mahomes

The President of the United States has no idea where they actually live.

Not long after Patrick Mahomes and company completed their 31-20 victory over the San Francisco 49ers, Donald Trump Tweeted the followiing message:

"Congratulations to the Kansas City Chiefs on a great game, and a fantastic comeback, under immense pressure.

"You represented the Great State of Kansas and, in fact, the entire USA, so very well. Our Country is PROUD OF YOU!"

But here's the thing, you guys:

The Kansas City Chiefs play in Missouri, not Kansas.

kansas tweet

President Trump has since deleted this erroneous message, but this is the Internet, you know?

Yes, he's posted a revised, correct version of the same Tweet, one that accurately lists Missouri in place of Kansas.

Nothing is ever gone forever.

And he's since been dragged all over the place for not knowing basic geography in a country over which he presides as Commander-in-Chief.

kasnsa drag

It's almost as if Donald Trump doesn't care at all about any United States citizens.

It's almost as if he's an extremely dumb person.

And there's at least some non-zero percent chance this mistake plays some role in the 2020 Presidential election, if folks in Kansas and/or Missouri get as offended as they ought to over such ignorance on the part of the President.

That may be wishful thinking on the part of Democrats, however, as both these states are as red as the jerseys on the Chiefs last night.

Patrick Mahomes Picture

In other, less troubling and confounding news from the Super Bowl:

Demi Lovato completed her recovery from a near-fatal drug overdose in July of 2018 to sing a wonderful rendition of the national anthem.

It's been universally praised on social media, which is typically a result almost no version of the Star-Spangled Banner at a major sporting event can ever hope to achieve.

Check out the performance here:

And speaking of universally praised sporting event performances?

Did you catch the Jennifer Lopez and Shakira halftime show?!?!?!?!??!?

There was a lot of dancing, some terrific singing, a tribute to Puerto Rico, a cameo by Lopez's 11-year old daughter on the microphone and just so darn much booty and hip shaking.

Like, SO darn much:

Was this the best halftime performance of all-time?

Observers who apparently forgot all about Prince seem to think so.

Watch the above video and decide for yourself.

And then compare the work of these incomparable artists to others who have taken the Super Bowl stage in recent memory:

Yup, President Trump Got Booed Again at UFC 244

Your lovable racist grandfather, President Donald Trump, appeared at UFC 244 alongside UFC president Dana White.

Lucky for Trump, he didn’t get booed as bad, but only because they didn’t show him on the big screen in real time.

When he took his seat though, you could definitely hear a lot of boos coming down from the crowd.

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Donald Trump to Meghan Markle: You’re Too Weak For Public Life! You Need to Develop a Thick Skin, Like Me!

Folks, there’s irony, and then there’s whatever the hell this is.

As you know, self-proclaimed billionaire Donald John Trump is famous for many things — a complexion the color of ripe mango flesh, the most corrupt presidential administration in US history, and of course, the introduction of the phrase “Russian pee tape” into the journalistic mainstream.

But one thing the Donald is not known for is his ability to withstand criticism.

In fact, we’ve eaten apples with thicker skins than the current American president.

(If you’re keeping score at home, we’ve now compared Trump to two different fruits, and neither of them was an orange! #Trailblazing)

So the idea of 45 offering advice to anyone on how to endure the slings and arrows of negative press coverage is downright hilarious.

But the most unintentionally funny politician in American history decided to bless us with a Friday afternoon chuckle by doing exactly that:

Trump enjoys speaking with the Brexit folks across the pond because ass-kissing Brits like Piers Morgan live to boost our president’s self-esteem.

So it’s no great surprise that Trump sat down for a live radio interview with Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage.

What is surprising is that Donnie took the opportunity to encourage Meghan Markle to toughen up a bit.

Donald Trump and Meghan Markle

“Well I’ve been watching her interviews and I’ve seen it and she’s taking it very personally,” Trump responded when asking about Duchess Meghan’s handling of negative press coverage.

“I guess you’ve got to be a little bit different than that but she takes it very personally and I can understand it. But I don’t know her.”

Asked for his feelings on Prince Harry, Trump had this to say:

‘I met him when I was over at that incredible… we had something that was so incredible recently.

“What that was five months ago, time flies. He’s a great young man. The whole family is great, it’s a great family.”

This whole thing is funny for a number of reasons, not the least of which is that Trump clearly tries but fails to remember the name of an event he attended a few months ago.

If his memory were a little sharper, he’d probably recall that Meghan snubbed him at said event.

He might also remember that she had good reason to do so, as Trump called Meghan a “nasty woman” just prior to touching down in the UK.

It’s a testament to her grace and dignity that Meg chose not to fire back at Trump — she knows better than to go after such low-hanging fruit.

The Secret Service Dropped in on Eminem to Harass Him About Anti-Trump Lyrics

Here’s a fun fact about freedom of speech in the United States: you have way more of it than most people realize. Like a common refrain we hear these days is “hate speech isn’t free speech” but hate speech is absolutely protected by the first amendment. Even threats have to reach a very specific threshold to be illegal, simply saying “I’ll kill you you asshole!” generally isn’t sufficient to rise to the letter of a crime.

Some people who should know this are the Secret Service, who protect the president. Like, for example, if you were to put on a production of Julius Caesar at Shakespeare in the Park where Caesar looks like the President, that’s protected speech.

And if you were a famous rapper who wrote songs about killing people and sampling Dido who wrote a song about killing Ivanka Trump, that would also clearly be protected speech. But that doesn’t mean the Secret Service didn’t take time out their busy schedule to harass Eminem over a song anyway.

Eminem has claimed for years that the Secret Service had payed him a visit, but now there’s actual proof of it. Buzzfeed filed a Freedom of Information Act and it turns out that yes, that actually happened.

This week, the agency turned over 40 pages of documents that prove they did in fact interview the rapper. It turns out their interest in speaking with him was based on “threatening lyrics” from his rap “Framed” that appeared on Revival. The Secret Service characterized Eminem as “exhibiting inappropriate behavior” and noted that he, via the rap, “threatens protectee.”

I don’t think anything that a rapper says on an album “threatens” anyone. If the Secret Service wants to address the real threats to Donald Trump’s life, they need to start bringing Quarter Pounders in for questioning.

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The Commander and Chief Pussy Ass Bitch

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Not Wanting to be Out-Crazied by Elon Musk, Donald Trump Suggests Nuking Hurricanes

Once upon a time, The Simpsons was good. I know it’s hard to believe when you see the kind of thing they think passes for funny heading into season 30.

That was so bad I think it gave me cancer! Wait, wrong Matt Groening show that was funnier in the early seasons.

Anyway, in a notable episode when the show was still funny, Lisa develops a crush on Nelson and starts hanging out with him. When he shows her his house, he has a “Nuke the Whales” poster in his room and when questioned on it, he says “Gotta nuke somethin’.”

This appears to be a growing opinion amongst the people who are supposed to be our best and brightest, but are actually just rich and stupid. First, Elon Musk hatched a scheme to nuke Mars, which he thinks will make it habitable but that I’m pretty sure will only create SpaceGodzilla.

Now Donald Trump, who is inexplicably actually the President of the United States, that really happened, it wasn’t some kind of unbelievable fever dream, wants to nuke hurricanes. That really happened, too, as reported by politics blog Axios.

During one hurricane briefing at the White House, Trump said, “I got it. I got it. Why don’t we nuke them?” according to one source who was there. “They start forming off the coast of Africa, as they’re moving across the Atlantic, we drop a bomb inside the eye of the hurricane and it disrupts it. Why can’t we do that?” the source added, paraphrasing the president’s remarks.

I mean, I’m with him on this one. Sure, so-called “atmospheric scientists” may claim that a nuclear blast wouldn’t stop a hurricane and may cause a nuclear winter, but they’re probably just pussies. We need to show those spinning fucks that mankind rules and extreme weather events can suck a dick.

Oh, and cyclones, don’t think we forgot about your backwards-spinning asses. You don’t want to rotate counter-clockwise like a decent storm system? Well, then you can just get nuked.

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Donald Trump Will Save A$AP Rocky

*Perfect time to fix this whole racist president thing* Yes, yes. African-Americans. Not just them. Everybody. Because we’re all one. *Nailed it!*

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Who is in Billionaire Pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s Little Black Book?

If you’ve never heard of Jeffrey Epstein, he’s a hedge fund manager who likes to have sex with children, something that wouldn’t be particularly big news if Epstein didn’t “give rides” to some very famous people.

Epstein was arrested for trafficking underaged girls and Gawker got a hold of his “little black book” with the names and numbers of all his “associates.”

Now, keep in mind that there’s no way to know why these people are in here or why some of them, like President Donald Trump are circled while others, like President Bill Clinton, who flew on Epstein’s plane over 20 times, aren’t. But let’s get into it.

Match Game host Stupid Alec was so stupid. How stupid was he? He was so stupid that he used to hang out with a guy who blanks little girls.

I don’t have clever jokes like that for everyone in the book but come on, how often does that opportunity come up?

Did you like the Rush Hour movies? I did. There probably aren’t going to be anymore because Chris Tucker is in there.

Courtney Love was in there, as was Charlie Rose, which is no surprise. Ralph Fiennes, too. Also Alan Dershowitz, lawyer to the stars, and O.J. Simpson.

And let’s hope for David Blaine’s sake he didn’t make anything disappear on Epstein’s private child rape airplane.

And oh, the politicians. I mentioned Presidents Clinton and Trump, but former British Prime Minister Tony Blair was in the book, too. As was Prince Andrew. Man, maybe we can abolish the royal family for good now. Also, basically every Kennedy. Well, the living ones. But even 91-year-old Ethel Kennedy is in there. Epstein seems like a good fit for the Kennedy family, honestly.

That’s most everyone interesting. Jimmy Buffett was in there but who cares about Jimmy Buffett?

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US World Cup Soccer Player Megan Rapinoe Ain’t Going to Trump’s ‘Fucking White House’

That’s alright, she’s not Trump’s type.

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E. Jean Carroll: Journalist Accuses Donald Trump of Sexual Assault

Back in the simpler world of 2015, many believed that sexual misconduct allegations against Donald Trump would prevent the reality-star-turned-demagogue from being elected president.

Obviously, that turned out not to be the case, and the current climate in the United States is about what one would expect from a country that's presided over by an accused rapist.

Donald Trump is Irate

As a longtime denizen of the New York literary scene who once cohabited with Hunter S. Thompson, journalist and author E. Jean Carroll is certainly no stranger to bad behavior from powerful men.

She details several traumatic encounters with toxic male behavior in an excerpt from her upcoming memoir that was published on Friday on New York Magazine's website.

One account has attracted far more attention than the other, as the alleged assailant went on to become the President of the United States.

Carroll says she met Trump while shopping at Manhattan's Bergdorf Goodman department store in "the fall of 1995 or the spring of 1996."

E. Jean Carroll and Donald Trump

Both she and Trump were in their fifties at the time, and he was married to his second wife, Marla Maples.

Carroll writes that Trump told her he was shopping for a present "for a girl" and asked for her help.

He suggested lingerie and convinced her to try it on for him.

Once she was in the dressing room, Carroll claims, Trump assaulted her.

Donald Trump is Irate

"The next moment, still wearing correct business attire, shirt, tie, suit jacket, overcoat, he opens the overcoat, unzips his pants, and, forcing his fingers around my private area, thrusts his penis halfway — or completely, I'm not certain — inside me," Carroll writes.

"It turns into a colossal struggle."

Obviously, there's nothing funny about this horrific allegation.

But Carroll deserves credit for hitting Trump where it hurts and understanding that he's more likely to be upset by the suggestion that he might be sporting a half-wang than by yet another allegation of sexual assault.

Leading His Cult

After all, she is now the sixteenth woman to accuse the president of some form of sexual misconduct, and thus far, Trump hasn't even come close to suffering any sort of repercussions.

No criminal investigation, no impeachment, not even a formal censure.

It's always an act of bravery to come forward against a sexual predator, but when said predator is the most powerful man in the world and has been getting away with this sort of thing his entire life, calling him out publicly requires unfathomable courage.

We applaud Carroll for coming forward and encourage anyone who might be in her position to do the same.

After all, it's becoming increasingly evident that our future relies on fearless individuals willing to defend the ideals and values that were once protected by law and order.

Taylor Swift-Kim Kardashian Feud Heats Up: Donald Trump Is Involved Now?!

Earlier this week, we reported on the surprising news that Katy Perry and Taylor Swift have officially ended their feud.

While the pop landscape might be a more peaceful place as a result, it was undeniably a sad day for fans of petty celebrity rivalries.


Fortunately, the equally-entertaining Taylor Swift-Kim Kardashian feud appears to be going strong!

Taylor just dropped a new single entitled "You Need to Calm Down,"  and while the song is ostensibly a straightforward pro-LGBTQ anthem, many fans ate convinced that several lines have double meanings and are intended as subtle jabs against Kim.

Kim's prison reform efforts brought her back to the White House today, and the 38-year-old apparently feels that Swift's new song cast a shadow over what should have been one of the proudest moments of her career.

Kim Kardashian Wants a New, Better Party

“Apparently, Taylor will never be done shading Kim, but Kim is letting her appearance at the White House yesterday speak for itself,” a source close to the situation tells Radar Online.

“It just so happened that the day Taylor announced her album, Kim spoke at the White House in front of the whole world, completely blowing her out of the water.”

The insider says Taylor's sly disses were not lost on Kim, who selected her attire for today in order to send a message to Swift:

“And it is no coincidence at all that Kim wore green, the color of the snake,” the source claims.

Kim Kardashian’s Met Gala look 2019

Using a White House event on prison reform as an opportunity to throw subtle shade at a pop star sounds insane -- but then again, so does everything else about 2019.

So Radar's interpretation is that Taylor's new single just happened to drop on the same day that Kim spoke at the White House.

But the folks over at Cosmo make a pretty convincing argument that Swift planned it that way and loaded her lyrics with coded jabs at Trump.

As many have observed on Twitter, it might not be a coincidence that the song was released on the Donald's birthday.

Kim-Tay Tweets

And the progressive lyrics present exactly the sort of argument that tends to deepen the president's perma-scowl:

“You are somebody that we don’t know / But you’re coming at my friends like a missile / Why are you mad? / When you could be GLAAD?” Swift sings at one point.

“Sunshine on the street at the parade / But you would rather be in the dark ages," she  later croons.

“’Cause shade never made anybody less gay.”

Taylor Swift in Sydney

Obviously, much of this situation is open to interpretation, but the Radar source assures us that things are about to escalate rapidly:

“Kim will continue to drop more subtle hints on social media as more of Taylor’s album becomes revealed,” the insider claims.

“She is really sick of it, but at the end of the day they both kind of live for it.”

Fortunately, so do we!

President Trump is Good Friends With the “Prince of Whales”

This may not be the most unique insight, but President Trump is really fucking stupid. Like, do you remember how stupid George W Bush was? Because Trump is even dumber than that. And of course it’s because of a tweet he made.

This Tweet.

Yes, that’s right, he just met with the Prince of Whales. Which is this guy.

The United Kingdom consists of four countries: England, Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales. Charles is the Prince of Wales. I’m sure he gets along well with Donald Trump because he’s constantly promoting homeopathy, also known as trying to treat diseases with water, also known as the reason your new iPhone is a piece of shit.

Now I know what you’re thinking, Donald Trump makes a million typos, what makes this one so special? Are you reaching out to a new audience of wine moms, trying to get on Michael Che’s good side?

I mostly just thought this one was really, really funny. Like yeah, covfefe and hamberders, whatever, those are just typos. What Trump did here was mix up Prince Charles and Namor the Submariner, and that’s hilarious to me.

This was in response to all the hand-wringing about Trump saying that he doesn’t ee a problem with getting dirt on political opponents from foreign nationals in an interview with ABC News newsmuppet George Stephanopoulos. I have to admit, Trump is probably right here. He won and he’s clearly not going to pay any political or legal price for anything he’s done, so what’s stopping him? George Snuffleupagus mentioned that Al Gore was mailed George W Bush’s debate prep materials and turned it over to the FBI without using it. But Al Gore lost and George Bush committed a bunch of war crimes for which he was also never punished legally or politically, so did he actually make the right choice?

The point, at the end of the day, is that the President of the United States thinks Prince Charles is the Prince of aquatic mammals.

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Meghan Markle: Did She Piss Off the Queen By Snubbing Trump?

Last week, Donald Trump made his first official visit to the UK.

And as just about everyone predicted, it was an irredeemable sh-tshow.

Queen and President

Prior to touching down in London, Trump referred to Meghan Markle as a "nasty" woman, because nothing sets the stage for a friendly visit quite like roasting your hosts for a comment one of them made three years ago.

Not surprisingly, Meghan was not on hand for the president's official banquet, and Prince Harry snubbed Trump in his own way, reportedly refusing to acknowledge the orange elephant in the room.

For the most part, the Sussexes were applauded for their decision to flip the Trump the royal bird in such public fashion.

But as The Daily Beast's royal editor Tom Sykes points out in his latest column, the decision to dodge the Donald carried with it profound complications:

Greetings, Everyone

"While William and Kate appear to have accepted they must do their duty, put country before their own personal feeling (by, for example, attending the state dinner held in President Trump’s honor), Harry and Meghan are making it very clear that they will be led first and foremost by ethical considerations," Sykes wrote.

That sounds great -- and it is! -- but traditionally, the role of the royal family has been to keep the peace with foreign nations, except in cases of extreme hostility.

We're talking "hostility" on the level of wars and sanctions, not snarky comments to Piers Morgan.

Donald Trump is Irate

To be clear, we are in no way defending Trump, and we believe Meghan had every right to snub him for talking trash.

But we can see why royal traditionalists might have qualms about Markle taking what some might interpret as a stand against the UK's staunchest ally.

"Meghan’s steadfast refusal to participate in the Trump circus was generally greeted by the public as an appropriate response to Trump’s bizarre insults of her and his history of misogyny and racism," Sykes wrote.

"It has, however, provoked a few tuts of disapproval amongst old-school palace insiders.


"She is an American and she is a senior member of the royal family, therefore it was perceived by her critics as rather odd that she was not on hand to greet another American."

This is yet another example of how royal life is not all it's cracked up to be -- sometimes, you're forced to be polite to people who have done nothing to deserve politeness.

Clearly, the only way the Duchess can make this right is to change her name to #MAGA Markle.

We kid, Trump has already moved on to his next outrage.

Prince Harry Was "Grumpy," Snubbed Donald Trump During UK Visit

Presideny Donald Trump touched down in Great Britain this week for a three-day, official state visit.

But he wasn't exactly given a hero's greeting upon his arrival.

At least not by one very prominent British citizen.

Prince Harry with Ivanka

According to The Sun, Prince Harry attended a private lunch with the President and First Lady on Monday, but he didn't speak very much to the Commander-in-Chief.

This same group was then taken on a tour of Queen Elizabeth's private art collection, but Harry chose to hang back as much as possible at this point.

An insider says he made a point NOT to be photographed anywhere near the President.

This British publication explains that Harry walked in with the President’s daughter, Ivanka, during this showing -- but then left her to talk to the Lord Chamberlain while the Queen showed the Trumps around the Palace.

Queen and President

"Harry was the third most senior royal in the room after the Queen and his father, but didn’t seem to take any part in his royal duties," an onlooker tells The Sun.

Royal commentator Ingrid Seward, meanwhile, offered a similar account:

“Harry did look grumpy and as if he didn’t want to be there," she said, adding

"He appears to be behaving in a rather immature way and letting his personal animosity take over from his natural good manners.

"Whatever his personal feelings, it’s his duty to support the Queen regardless and take a tip from his grandmother who has never allowed her personal feelings to interfere with her duty.

"It’s bad manners and rude."

Donald Trump is Irate

One might say, of course, that President Trump has exhibited nothing himself except for bad, very rude manners -- so why should he deserve anything but the same in return?

Just a few days ago, upon being told of negative comments Meghan Markle made about him three years ago, Trump slammed the Duchess as nasty.

He added at the time, speaking in general of Markle as a member of The Royal Family:

“I think it’s nice, and I’m sure she’ll do excellently. She’ll be very good.”

However, the damage had already been done.

trump transscript

Thankfully for Markle, though, she never had to pretend to make nice to the President.

She remains on maternity leave and is not attending any official events at the moment.

As soon as Harry’s official duties were over yesterday, The Sun reports, "he dashed off to his exclusive Chelsea gym KX, where he spent 90 minutes working out."

He probably had quite a bit of stress to get out after having to hold in his contempt for the American President for so long.

Harry then chose not take part in the official state banquet at the Palace last night, despite it being attended by Charles, Camilla, William and Kate.

Can anyone blame the guy?!?

Donald Trump: God, Meghan Markle Can Be Such a "Nasty" Woman!

It was really just a matter of time, wasn't it

With so many critics out there slamming Meghan Markle left, right and everywhere in between... does it really come as a shock that Donald Trump would eventually get in on the act?

meg vs. don

During a visit to Great Britain this week, the mentally-damaged 72-year-old President was reminded of something Markle said back during the 2016 general election.

With a handful of reporters in the room, Trump was questioned about the Duchess of Sussex’s past criticism of him, with one journalist relaying exactly what Markle threatened to do about two years ago.

“She said she’d move to Canada if you got elected,” this person told Trump in an interview published by The Sun today. “Turned out she moved to Britain.”

The remark drew a bit of laughter in the room.

President Trump, however, said he was unaware that the new mother said anything of the sort, adding:

“I didn’t know that she was nasty,” he replied. 

Here is the full transcript of the exchange:

trump transscript

Trump, as perhaps you remember, previously used the term “nasty woman” to describe his 2016 opponent Hillary Clinton.

This is an adjective he seems to only reserve for members of the opposite sex. We'll let you go ahead and try to figure out why.

According to various outlets, meanwhile, Markle refused to meet with Trump during his visit to her adopted country, choosing instead (we assume) to hang out at home with husband Harry and new baby son Archie.

Trump did go on to note the benefits of having an American in the Royal Family.

“I think it’s nice, and I’m sure she’ll do excellently,” the Commander-in-Chief said. “She’ll be very good.”

Buckingham Palace had no comment on Trump's interview regarding Markle.

Donald Trump is Irate

Markle, for her part, remains on maternity leave.

Not only isn't she meeting with Trump, she isn't meeting with anyone these days. She has no professional obligations on her calendar for the forseeable future.

The former actress and perpetually-polarizing personality gave birth just under a month ago to her first-ever child.

She debuted little Archie for the world to see two days later, but has remained totally out of the public eye ever since. And for good reason, right?

Duke, Duchess and Baby

Considering all the frickin crap written about Markle on a nearly daily basis, we wouldn't blame the Duchess if she went underground and almost never emerged again.

At some point, however, it's safe to say we will hear from Meghan and we will see Meghan again.

But we highly doubt she'll respond to Trump's latest bit of sexist bitterness.

He simply isn't worth any of her time.

Is Donald And Melania Trump’s Sham Marriage On the Rocks?

Being the President of the United States is hard, stressful work. You can see the way the job visibly ages the occupant of the oval office. You’ve got to check Twitter, watch Fox News, send tweets from the bathroom at 2 a.m., buy fast food for college kids, pass some tariffs and sanctions to cripple our economy, get on Twitter to take half an hour between threaded tweets… it’s a lot of work.

I’m assuming that’s what other presidents did, at any rate, I can’t even really remember what that was like, it’s been so long. Were there even other presidents? I seem to remember a guy who did a movie with a monkey and then someone with severe brain damage in a cowboy hat, but it all seems so long ago.

SO it makes sense that with all that stress it would start to take a toll on your marriage, especially if it’s a sham marriage where you were out banging porn stars while your wife was still breastfeeding. People reports that the President and the First Lady were seen fighting at Mar-a-Lago recently.

“Melania was upset and they had words with each other over something,” the source tells PEOPLE. The couple was eating together in the club’s dining area on March 30.

It remains unclear what the issue was, according to this source.

“Donald, you’re doing to the entire country what I let you do to me once a month to earn my allowance; fucking them sidewise and leaving them disappointed.”

Mrs. Trump’s spokeswoman, Stephanie Grisham, disputed the witness’ account as “completely false” but did not elaborate — instead telling PEOPLE, “I’d encourage the anonymous source to say such things on the record.”

I don’t know, I’m prone to believe People’s anonymous source. Given everything I know about them, which is literally nothing, weighed against everything I know about the Trumps, it seems the anonymous person, who could be anyone, literally anyone, is more credible.

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President Trump Orders Investigation into Jussie Smollett, Smollett’s Attorney Says Nigerian Attackers ‘Could Have Worn Whiteface’

I really wanted to be done talking about Jussie Smollett. Nope. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in! By “they,” in this case, I mean the President of the United States, who tweeted about the case because I clearly did something to anger a god I don’t even believe in.

NBC confirmed the investigation is taking place.

Federal officials confirmed to NBC News that the Justice Department is reviewing the Smollett case and how it was handled, though expectations were low Thursday that any federal action would be taken.

Also mad about this was Chicago Mayor and former Obama Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel. If you’re wondering why Smollett keeps making increasingly unbelievable claims about finding the real MAGA hate crimers, it’s because the city of Chicago is demanding Smollett pay them $130,000 for the investigation they carried out. That’s a lot more than the $10,000 bond he forfeited to skate on his charges in the first place.

Now, the good thing about Smollett is he’s pissing off all the right people. Trump, Rahm Emanuel, the Chicago P.D. If one of the Clintons makes a statement disparaging him I’m going to donate to his Kickstarter.  The bad thing, though, is that he and his legal team think we’re all idiots. They’re telling us to our face they think we’re idiots. Listen to what his attorney Tina Glandian said on Today, via Mediaite:

“Well, you know, I mean, I think there’s — obviously, you can disguise that. You can put makeup on. There is, interestingly enough, a video. You know, I think police had minimal investigation in this case, it took me only five minutes to Google. You know, I was looking up the brothers, and one of the videos that showed up actually was of the brothers in whiteface doing a joker monologue with white makeup on him. So, it’s not — it’s not implausible.”

That is just disrespectful right there. That is like telling me that Spider-Man really died in Avengers: Infinity War even though we all know there’s a Spider-Man movie coming out like two weeks later. You may as well just spit in my face.

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Alec Baldwin Thinks Donald Trump is Going to Have Him Whacked For ‘SNL’ Mockery

Saturda Night Live has, for the past 45 years, been the home of some of the most toothless political satire to ever fill the air. It just isn’t what the show does well. The show has parodied every president since it debuted in 1975, but the most famous parodies were completely divorced from reality; Chevy Chase’s Gerald Ford was an uncoordinated clod while Ford himself was an All-Star football player in college, and George Bush, unlike Dana Carvey, never said “Not gonna do it, wouldn’t be prudent.”

This tradition continues today with Alec Baldwin’s portrayal of Donald Trump; Baldwin nails Trump’s mannerisms, but Trump isn’t dumb in an entertaining way the way George W Bush was, so SNL mostly has nothing to say. Despite the fact that SNL‘s Trump parodies are neither particularly funny or particularly insightful, they really piss Donald Trump off.

Baldwin told #resistance dork Scott Dworkin on his podcast that this particular tweet made him fear for his safety, via The Guardian:

“People would say to me early on, do you have any concerns about retaliation, not necessarily from the government or from Trump, but from his agitators?” said Baldwin. “I always said not really, I didn’t really think that was something that was real, until now, when he made this comment about retribution and he thought SNL should be investigated.”

Baldwin said the president’s hostile language functioned as “codes”.

“Trump signals people, not necessarily what to do, but how to feel, and that’s the beginning. The beginning is you make people angry, the beginning is you make people agitated and bitter and then the actions flow from there.”

That’s somewhat legitimate, some dude in Kentucky just got busted planning an insane act of domestic terrorism targeting Trump’s political enemies. But it’s not like this is unique to Trump, either; John Hinckley tried to assassinate Ronald Reagan because he thought it would impress Jodie Foster, and that was way before Twitter existed.

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