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Dustin Hoffman Showed His Dick to a Minor

Man, allegations just keep racking up against Dustin Hoffman. But before I get into the new allegations, can someone tell me what a “soft-boiled clitoris” is? He told a PA he wanted her “soft-boiled clitoris” on the set of Death of a Salesman, but that makes no sense to me. Is it supposed to be clever? Is it just because she was a teenager? He might be the only person who ever used that phrase in the history of the world.

So what did Dustin do now and is it worse than food-related come-ons and dad jokes about wanting to fuck? It is, believe me, it is. For starters, according to Variety, he showed a 16-year-old his dick while he was wearing just a bathrobe (it’s always fucking bathrobes, Jesus). Oh, and she was his daughter’s classmate. That’s pretty fucked up. But that’s actually the least of the allegations.

During ADR for Ishtar, Hoffman was having trouble singing a song, so he asked Melissa Kester to join him in the booth, in front of her boyfriend and an audio engineer, visible only from the waist up.

“And as he’s doing that, he literally just stuck his fingers down my pants,” Kester said. “He put his fingers inside me. And the thing I feel most bad about is I didn’t know what to do. I just stood there. I just froze in the situation like ‘Oh my god, what is happening?’ It’s shocking when that happens to you.”

Kester said that she made an effort not to react for fear that her boyfriend or the other man in the control room would know what was happening. She estimated that Hoffman kept his fingers inside her for 15-20 seconds, until he finished the take. Then she moved away from him.

The question I keep coming back to is “who does that?”. That’s the case for a lot of these allegations that come out. For a lot of them, they’re just things that wouldn’t occur to most people to even do. Kester was basically a stranger, Hoffman had met her twice before and he just starts fingering her in front of her boyfriend, who could only see them from the waist up.

Also, Dustin Hoffman was in Ishtar, why do we still consider him a great actor? Have you seen that movie? If that didn’t end his career, I’m not sure anything will, even going around grabbing women by the pussy. I mean, you get to be president after you brag about it, why not keep making movies?

Bullying Vicitim Keaton Jones’ Father is a White Supremacist Convict

Man, the Internet’s most famous bullying victim just keeps getting more interesting. Keaton Jones’ mother went on national TV to explain that she wasn’t really racist, so, you know, keep flying us to movie premieres and giving us money. Well, you know, aside from the Avengers premiere.

Keaton’s spot at that one is going to someone a little more deserving.

But we haven’t really heard about Keaton’s father. Buckle up, buckaroos, because this is a real doozy. Keaton’s father, Shawn White, is a white supremacist. TMZ found the details, which include some more “ironic” Facebook racism, like just posting a picture that says “Aryan Pride” and getting a tattoo reading “Pure Breed” on his chest.

So, does the fact that Keaton’s father is a racist criminal mean that Keaton is a bad kid? No, it doesn’t. If you were just automatically the same as your parents, Sophia Coppola would be able to act. But it does make his mother’s talk about how not-racist she is fall a little flat. If I was about to have sex with someone and they had a swastika tattoo, I would shut that shit down and throw them out, not have two kids with them.

We don’t know for sure that Keaton is a little racist like his parents, and he’s only 12. If the rumors we’ve heard are wrong and Keaton wasn’t actually calling his classmates racial slurs, then bullying him because his parents are huge racists is probably just going to make him dig into their beliefs because he feels victimized.

On the other hand, we don’t need to reward him, either. Why is that we feel compelled to give these people VIP treatment and a bunch of money anyway? Sympathetic or not, how does giving one family all this stuff do anything to stop bullying in general? Are we going to send $60K and Avengers tickets to everyone who gets bullied?

Setting aside everything about Keaton’s family and whether he was bullied or smacked down for being terrible, there’s a larger issue here; not every bullying victim is a good, pure person. You can be both a victim and a bad person. When we’re moved by some viral video on social media like this, we should find a way to address the root cause of the problem, rather than just giving the person in the video a bunch of money, because in the end, they don’t always deserve it and it doesn’t do anything to solve the problem anyway.

Kevin Spacey Also Sexually Harasses Adults, As Long As They’re Royalty

Boy, Kevin Spacey just can’t catch a break. After a pair of people said he tried to have sex with them when they were 14, it came out that he was also sexually harassing basically everyone on the crew of his hit Netflix show House of Cards, from which he was fired almost immediately.

Spacey’s dick-grabbing antics don’t stop on the set, though, because he apparently also grabbed a royal dick in Norway ten years ago, one belonging to Ari Behn, who was at the time married to Princess Märtha Louise of Norway. And he did it at the Nobel Peace Prize ceremony, which requires a lot of, well, balls.

‘After five minutes, he says “Hey, let’s go out and have a cigarette”, and then he touched me right on the balls under the table.’

Behn, a non-smoker, says he was so surprised he just said; ‘eh, maybe later?’

I’m pretty sure that is not royal protocol. I’ve seen all those movies where Helen Mirren plays various queens and one big rule is not to touch them. They make people walk backwards out of the room so you don’t turn your back on a member of the royal family, so I’m positive that grabbing a royal member is right out.

Spacey just seems to have no boundaries. He grabbed Richard Dreyfuss’s son’s dick while the legendary actor was in the room reading a script, and now it comes out he groped a member of the Norwegian Royal Family in public in Norway. The man has basically never been around a dick he didn’t grab. When asked for comment on his decades of inappropriate behavior, Spacey said “It’s cool, I choose to be gay.”

Is Nothing Sacred? Creepy Angelina Jolie Doppelgänger a Hoax

Remember Sahar Tabar, the Iranian teenager who completely wrecked her face trying to look like Angelina Jolie? Well, the good news is that she still looks normal, the extreme makeover was the result of makeup and photoshop.

Let’s take a look at what Tabar was able to accomplish with her face. She really pulled off a whole Skeletor look that’s impressive once you know it isn’t her real face.

Yikes, right? Well, here’s what she actually looks like without the makeup.

Just a normal girl who is a genius with make-up. She’s got a bright future ahead of her, and luckily it doesn’t involve fighting He-Man.

Time’s Person of the Year is ‘The Silence Breakers’, Which Is Also an Awesome Band Name

Time announced its “Person of the Year“, and the winner is the women who talked about sexual harassment and brought down men like Harvey Weinstein. It’s a good choice, too; in a year of big stories, the fall of several powerful men who abused their power for sexual gratification stands out as one of the biggest.

The women and men who have broken their silence span all races, all income classes, all occupations and virtually all corners of the globe. They might labor in California fields, or behind the front desk at New York City’s regal Plaza Hotel, or in the European Parliament. They’re part of a movement that has no formal name. But now they have a voice.

Interestingly, the choice also made this insane tweet by President Trump seem somewhat less insane.

You see, Trump was the magazine’s runner up, and it’s hard to imagine that anyone else would have won had the Weinstein story not created waves throughout the industry and really, the whole country. Other notable people considered were former 49ers quarterback Collin Kaepernick, Wonder Woman director Patty Jenkins, North Korea dictator Kim Jong-Un and China’s President Xi Jingping.

Donald Trump made a lot of news for various reasons this year, most of them bad, a few good and a fair few just funny. But the Harvey Weinstein revelations were really a sea change in gender relations. And the people responsible for it deserve to be the Person of the Year. And at least it isn’t another cop-out like when they made “You” Person of the year and had a mirror on the cover. But I’m pretty sure I got this job by putting “Time Person of the Year 2006” on my resume.

Danny Masterson Went Rapin’ Down At The Ranch

Danny Masterson and Ashton Kutcher produced and starred in a Netflix show called The Ranch. It sounded terrible from the start, but Netflix is a sucker for old stars and ended up giving the show multiple seasons.

But Masterson will no longer be part of the show.

In the midst of everyone being accused of some type of sexual misconduct, Masterson was accused of rape. No one paid attention to the charges levied against Masterson because who the hell cares about Danny Masterson in 2017? Even Netflix didn’t bother to pay attention to the charges. They had bigger stories to worry about. Yes, we’re all looking at you, Kevin Spacey.

Now that the Spacey situation has been handled, Netflix circled back around to Masterson and decided that it’s probably not a good idea to have a man accused of rape starring and producing one of their original shows.

Masterson will appear in the episodes already filmed, but then he’ll disappear like Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men.

Here’s what Masterson said in a statement:

“I am obviously very disappointed in Netflix’s decision to write my character off of ‘The Ranch.’ From day one, I have denied the outrageous allegations against me. I have never been charged with a crime, let alone convicted of one. In this country, you are presumed innocent until proven guilty. However, in the current climate, it seems as if you are presumed guilty the moment you are accused. I understand and look forward to clearing my name once and for all.”

Dude, four women accused you of rape. You’re only innocent until proven guilty if it’s one woman. Two or more and you’re guilty until you admit the truth.

Masterson was accused of rape nine months ago, so it’s a little curious as to why they’re just now acting on his dismissal. I think it was just poor timing. No one cared if an actor raped someone nine months ago. We only started paying attention like three weeks ago. And, as I said, Kevin Spacey is a bigger name on a more popular Netflix show. And don’t say, “They could have handled both at the same time” because you obviously don’t know how Hollywood works. Give them more than one task at a time and they would rather jump off a bridge.

Masterson was being investigated by the LAPD over the charges and even said there was “overwhelming evidence”, but didn’t actually do anything about it. And people wonder why women don’t go to the police when this shit happens.

There are a lot of people at fault in this one. Masterson, obviously, for raping. Netflix, for not acting quicker. And Netflix users who keep watching The Ranch, for continuing to watch The Ranch.

Pam Anderson Says Harvey Weinstein’s Victims Just Should Have Not Gotten Raped

Pam Anderson went on Megyn Kelly Today this morning and told Kelly that the women harassed and raped by Harvey Weinstein should have, you know, not done that. It sounds so easy, I wonder how anyone gets pressured into sex with their superior. Just don’t go to the mall when Roy Moore is shopping for a new tie if you don’t want to get molested, you dumb junior high kids. It’s all so easy.

Anderson has some great advice for aspiring actresses. Just leave when the powerful producer who can end your career comes out in a bathrobe. Don’t go to the private audition that your agent set up for you and is threatening to drop you over if you don’t! Why are you dizzy broads so dumb, it’s so simple.

You know Hepatitis C can cause brain damage, right? Of course, Anderson has been cured of her Hepatitis, so maybe we’re just working with a bit of “why do we want to hear what this person who is definitely not famous for being intelligent or particularly able to act has to say anyway?”

This whole thing makes my head hurt, because Anderson goes on to make it clear she’s not blaming the victims. Which is a little like saying “I’m not an anti-Semite, but I do think the Jews control all the money.” Sometimes, even if you mean well, it’s better to just not say anything. I know Pam is giving herself a pat on the back and saying “I gave some young actress some good advice today” and maybe she did, but what she also did was give Harvey Weinstein and any supporters he may actually still have an excuse to go “see, she wouldn’t have come up to my hotel room if they didn’t want it.”

Russell Simmons Sexually Assaulted A 17-Year-Old While Brett Ratner Watched

Russell Simmons has added his name to the list of Hollywood scumbags. He was kinda there already with his whole RushCard scheme, which was a prepaid debit card that tricked poor people into giving Russell Simmons even more money.

But now he’s firmly on this list due to new sexual assault allegations levied against him.

Keri Claussen Khalighi has accused Simmons of forcing himself on top of her. Oh, it gets worse. Not only did Simmons mount her, but director Brett Ratner, who is facing his own string of sexual assault allegations, watched while he did it.

Khalighi explains that she went over to Simmons’ home to watch a music video. That’s when he made his sexual advances and began undressing her. She looked over to Ratner for help, but he was too busy figuring out how he could ruin X-Men.

“I looked over at Brett and said ‘help me’ and I’ll never forget the look on his face. In that moment, the realization fell on me that they were in it together.”

Khalighi says that she was forced to perform oral sex on Simmons. When she went to take a shower, he followed her into the shower and that’s when he raped her.

Simmons released a statement claiming that their sexual encounter was consensual. He went on to say that he’s on the side of women during their #metoo movement and has always done his best to empower women.

Well, he’s admitting to the incident. Now we just have to decide whether we believe the female or the guy who has stolen money from poor people and exploited rappers for years.

Khalighi was 17 at the time and why the hell would her parents let her go over to Russell Simmons’ house at that age? Simmons would have been in his early 30’s.

Charles Manson Dead at 83

Swastika-headed Charles Manson, the cult leader who infamously orchestrated the deaths of 8-month pregnant Sharon Tate and others, has died.

In January, sources say Manson had been taken from prison to a hospital because he was seriously ill. Not just in the head this time. A California Department of Corrections of Rehabilitation spokesman said at the time they couldn’t divulge any information for “safety and security reasons.”

In mid-November, Manson was taken to a Bakersfield hospital where sources said “it’s just a matter of time.” And they were right.

The California Department of Corrections released a statement reading, “Inmate Charles Manson, 83, died of natural causes at 8:13 p.m. on Sunday, November 19, 2017, at a Kern County hospital.”

Manson died of natural causes which just shows how wacky the universe is.

Manson and his creepy murder-family killed Sharon Tate and six others over two nights in LA in August 1969. Tate was the wife of Roman Polanski who would later have his own trouble with the law (he raped a kid and fled the country).

Since being convicted, Manson, 82, had spent the past 45 years in prison. He’d been denied parole 12 times. His next chance for parole would have been in 2027 when he was 92.

Sylvester Stallone Went ‘Over The Top’ With 16-Year-Old Back in 1986

Yo Adrian, Sylvester Stallone is the latest Hollywood actor to be accused of sexual harassment.

According to a report by the Daily Mail, the incident occurred way back in 1986. Stallone was 40 at the time and filming Over The Top. He found himself a nice 16-year-old girl, who he had consensual sex with. Nothing wrong with that as the age of consent in Nevada, where the incident allegedly took place, is 16.

But, obviously, things got worse.

Stallone got his bodyguard, Michael De Luca involved. First, he watched Stallone and the girl have sex. Next, Stallone forced the girl to give De Luca a blowjob. After that, De Luca had sex with the girl without her consent. That’s called rape, in case you were confused. The girl claims that Stallone and De Luca threatened her if she didn’t perform these sexual actions.

De Luca was killed in 2013 by an officer in California after a traffic stop. He should not be confused with the producer/writer, who is still very much alive. I feel very sorry for that guy because he’s about to get a shit ton of hate words from people.

Stallone is still alive.

This story was actually reported way back in February 2016 and a police report from the incident was noted in 1987. Just, no one cared about this stuff in 1987 or 2016. We only started caring about sexual assault a month ago.

Stallone’s people released a statement to TMZ on the matter:

“This is a ridiculous, categorically false story. No one was ever aware of this story until it was published today, including Mr. Stallone. At no time was Mr. Stallone ever contacted by authorities or anyone else regarding this matter. It never happened.”

That likely means that it totally happened, but Stallone isn’t admitting shit unless 20 more women come out and claim to be sexual assault victims. That’s when he’ll release a statement about how the allegations are true and that he’s sorry for his mistakes.

Things are looking pretty rocky for ol’ Sly right now.

In Defense Of Sex Cults: A Primer on Hollywood’s Sexiest New Trend

I have a lot of time to sit and think, since a good portion of my job is sitting and thinking about what I have to say about the various news stories we cover. Since I wrote about Allison Mack being the second-in-command of a sex cult, it got me thinking: Are sex cults even that bad? If so, what’s so bad about them? 

I mean, okay, you go on a date with a guy (and it’s always a guy) and at the end of the night, you give him all of your money, cut all of your friends and family out of your life and he kidnaps and sexually tortures you and a number of others for the next decade. But that’s every date! At least, it’s every date I’ve ever been on.

Why do we call that a cult? What even is a cult, anyway? I think we should get a definition from an expert, and who would know better than Mad Magazine cartoonist Dave Berg?

Did you know that Sergio Aragonés was the leader of a cult? Despite being a small cult that was mostly in the margins of other cults, it was often cited as a favorite by cultists.

Sex cults are actually all the rage these days. R. Kelly had one, and there’s no one cooler than R. Kelly, right? Well, okay, Kanye West is cooler, but I’m not entirely convinced that the Kardashians aren’t a cult. And you do not want to know what Bruce Jenner had to do to get initiated into it.

Also, life is hard and cults make things way easier. Do you know how many Kardashians I’ve had to learn since I got this job? Khloe and Kourtney and Kendall and Knob and Gul Dukat… it’s an endless list. Some days I just want to eat some gruel, say some repetitive tasks, and do what a guy who looks nothing like L. Ron Hubbard (wink wink) tells me to.

Another free upside of being in a sex cult is you get a snazzy free body mod. Who doesn’t want to be branded by a makeshift hot iron just inches from their vagina? Sure, you may be thinking “no one in their right mind would actually want that” but you’ve clearly never seen that video with the girl getting her butthole tattooed and talking about how good it feels.

So after you’ve joined a cult, what can you expect your day-to-day life to be like. Well, for starters, you’ll probably finally be able to lose those last five pounds, because you’ll have very little to eat. This is because your cult leader probably likes his women (or men, let’s not be heteronormative) thin. It’s also because cults are expensive and your life savings only goes so far after all the Rolexes and Rolls-Royces with the steering wheel on the wrong side have been bought. No one wants to worship a messiah who drives a Saturn, after all.

When you’re done not eating, there’s probably going to be a lot of reading. Your cult leader has probably written some insane, rambling 500-page manuscript and given it some ridiculous name like Dianetics (but not that because the extremely litigious Church of Scientology is definitely NOT a cult). Most cult leaders are failed YA writers, so don’t expect Shakespeare here. Unrelated, if my publisher rejects my manuscript about a Frankenstein who falls in love with a plain, unremarkable high school girl, I’d like to invite you all to join The Church of The New Red Comet.

A lot of cults mix weird interpretations of Christian lore and imagery with science fiction nonsense. For example, look at this cult recruitment video from Japan.

Japanese cults are also sometimes organized around a forceful, charismatic leader whose followers ascribe her godlike powers and consider her to be an idealized version of their perfect mate, or “waifu”.

Okay, that’s all well and good, but what about the sex? We joined this cult for the sex, right? Well, this is kind of a good news/bad news situation. The good news is you can have all the sex you can handle and more. The bad news is it isn’t with Chloe Sullivan from Smallville, it’s with some weird dude in his 50s with long hair that’s turning grey. Or R. Kelly. If it is R. Kelly, I hope you thought to bring mouthwash into the compound.

If you wanted to have a harem of nubile young women to service you sexually, you would have thought ahead and started the cult yourself. Or, you know, be a prince in a Muslim country.

Running a sex cult is no easy feat, however. Let’s take another look at the guy who got Allison Mack to give up being a former celebrity and dedicate herself to begging him to fuck her.

He’s not good-looking, he’s not famous and he’s not smart, so how did he convince Mack to be his sex slave and bring him other women to bang instead of making occasional cameo appearances on Supergirl? Well, he took advantage of rich people. This is easier than it sounds because most rich people are just the idiot children and grandchildren of actually competent people who made a lot of money and all you have to do to convince them you’re a genius is throw around some meaningless buzzwords like “synergy”.

Once you’re hanging out with rich people and celebrities, you should have no problems recruiting people to your sex cult. And let’s face it, isn’t running a precarious, abusive scam based on convincing gullible celebrities and starfucking groupies that you’re some kind of messiah a lot easier than developing an interesting personality and maybe going to the gym once in a while or taking a cooking class?

Tom Sizemore Tried To Finger 11-Year-Old, Was Punished By Getting More Movie Roles

Tom Sizemore is a semi-famous actor best known for playing small roles in big movies. The guy has an impressive IMDB page, but I can’t remember his scenes in any of the movies he’s been in. And I’ve seen Heat at least 20 times and Point Break 200 times.

Now, Tom Sizemore is a semi-famous actor best known for violating small girls in big movies.

According to a report from The Hollywood Reporter, Sizemore was asked to leave the set of Born Killers in 2003 for allegedly touching an 11-year-old girl in her private area. The report continues by saying that the actress, now 26, is pursuing legal action. Apparently, various members of the cast and crew knew about the incident, but nothing ever came out until now.

Sizemore doesn’t exactly have the cleanest of records. He has a history of drug use and was convicted of assault and battery in 2003 when he allegedly hit ex-girlfriend Heidi Fleiss. He’s denying the allegation of inappropriately touching the 11-year-old girl.

The incident occurred during a photo session to promote this movie that no one saw. The girl, who played Sizemore’s daughter, was asked to sit on Sizemore’s lap. That’s when he rubbed his fingers on her vagina. And that’s why you don’t have your children sit on the lap of creepy old dudes, parents.

Let’s recap: Sizemore was already a bad person for hitting his ex-girlfriend. He touched an 11-year-old girl and was sent home for doing so. Everyone on the movie found out about the incident and weren’t shocked because he’s a slimeball. He went on to star in roughly 500 more movies since 2003.

This is why people in Hollywood kept getting away with sexual harassment. Because even though these stories weren’t secrets when they occurred, these actors were still given roles in movies. If the punishment for sexually assaulting a minor is being sent home – while likely still getting paid for the work he completed – and continuing to get roles, why would he stop?

The good news for Sizemore is that someone else will be accused of sexual assault tomorrow and everyone will forget about him. Assuming they knew him in the first place.

Chloe Sullivan From ‘Smallville’ Is Running a Sex Cult While Felicity Smoak’s Sex Cult Is Just a Pale Imitation

I’m sorry to say this may well be the last article I write for The Blemish, because I just found out Allison Mack, who played Chloe Sullivan on Smallville, is the second in command of a sex cult and I’ve got to sign up quickly because like hell am I going to miss my chance to be Watchtower’s sex slave. College me would never forgive me if I blew this chance.

The Daily Mail is the first major outlet to run a story about this sex cult called DOS that is a part of  “management training” company NXIVM. It’s run by a man named Keith Rainere and mentions Allison Mack, though the New York Times ran an exposé last month without mentioning Mack. A website called The Frank Report, run by former NXIVM publicist Frank Parlato, has been documenting this for a good while before that.

Parlato explains, in one post, how Mack became sexually involved with Rainere, whom she had met through NXIVM, which she joined with Kristen Kreuk and Kreuk’s boyfriend. When the couple broke up, Kreuk left but her boyfriend and Mack remained.

One day, Allison left her computer open. There was an email on the screen. One of her friends saw it and was shocked: It was an email from Keith to Allison. It said in effect:

‘If you and I want to have sex, you have to make a vow to have sex only with me. You have to give me collateral that you are only having sex with me.’

Friends of the actress say she pledged significant financial assets as collateral to ensure her chastity.

So yeah, that’s a cult. That’s what cults do. Possibly the reason earlier reports didn’t name Mack, even though she’s said to be the second in command of the sex cult is that she’s clearly a victim of Rainere like the women “below” her, because, and this is interesting, the sex cult is organized like a pyramid scheme and Mack was apparently the first recruit.

Keith teaches that, combined with little sleep and a low calorie diet, a woman who has sex with him will be transformed. If he ejaculates with her, on her, or inside her, she becomes his forever.

As he healed her disintegrations though sex, he told her, as he had told many others, that he could die if she had sex with another man. He was ready to die, but his mission was not complete.  She had to give more collateral.

Wow, this management seminar is getting weird. How do you not realize that this is the sort of thing a crazy person thinks? I feel bad for Allison here. Also, he makes people call him “Vanguard”. That’s not something people do, that’s something Kyle MacLachlan’s character on How I Met Your Mother does.

When there were no more financial assets to pledge, he allowed her to give nude pictures and videos.  She had done cute pictures in her bra and panties. Maybe topless. Girls give pictures like that to their boyfriends all the time.

No. Cute pictures are not collateral. Neither are sexy pictures. It had to be completely naked. More: It had to go beyond moderate pornographic.

She had to have her legs up and her vagina spread open and it had to show her face. A shot of her inner labia with her face in the picture.

Yeah, okay, so this is super salacious. Remember that Rainere had convinced Allison she needed him to heal her. With his sperm. Which would be an awesome superpower, and was also a subplot in the second season of the Australian sitcom Laid. That did air in 2011, maybe that’s where he got the idea.

Long story short, he eventually convinced Mack that she needed to go and recruit more women. So he could heal them. With cum.

By the way, this guy has a YouTube channel, and it is a goddamn riot. Let’s have a look.

This is seriously creepy once you’ve heard about the whole sex cult thing. Rainere is making absolutely zero sense, he’s just saying words and buzzwords. People actually took this guy seriously. CEOs paid him tens of thousands, in some cases millions, of dollars to spout this bullshit. I should investigate this career path, honestly, I get paid significantly less to spout bullshit and I haven’t had sex with anyone from Smallville. I haven’t even had sex with anyone from Arrow and that show has been going downhill since season 3.

But look at the way Mack is looking at him, like he’s some kind of genius that she’s in love with. She’s clearly been brainwashed, you’d have to be to take this guy seriously. Maybe Justin Hartley can take a break from This Is Us and hit Rainere with a boxing glove arrow and save her.

Jeremy Piven Sexually Assaulted a Woman With a 15-Minute Dry Humping

Look out, Harvey Weinstein. Jeremy Piven is on a quest to top your sexual assault number.

The Entourage actor’s number currently stands at three, so he has a while to go before catching Weinstein. But don’t doubt the sleaziness of Piven.

Piven’s latest accuser is advertising executive Tiffany Bacon Scourby. Five bucks says Piven used some lame “bacon and eggs” or “let’s sizzle” joke, she gave him a courtesy laugh, and there was no stopping him after that.

Scourby says that she met Piven at a club and he used the ol’ “I’m gonna be a guest on Conan tomorrow night, wanna come?” line on her. That line works every time. She agreed and they met up the next day at Trump International Hotel. Trump International, your sexual assaults are safe with us.

As they were sitting on the couch, Piven forced himself on top of her, exposing himself and rubbing his dick and balls over her. She tried to push him off, but couldn’t. After 15 minutes of dry raping, Piven came on her white turtleneck.

Oh God, I already know what Piven’s defense is going to be. “Do you really think I only last 15 minutes?” Just wait. He’s going to use that line.

After Piven got off, Scourby got out. She ran out the room, wiped Piven’s juice on the wall, and cried in a cab. The incident occurred 14 years ago and Scourby had put it behind her until recently, when Piven’s name was brought up in other sexual assault incidents.

Piven hasn’t responded to any of the allegations, even going silent on social media. A representative for Piven said the actor is willing to take a polygraph test to prove that these women are lying. He’s also pursuing legal action.

Oh, Jeremy. You don’t want to do this. These women aren’t lying. We all watched Entourage. You were a little too believable as Ari Gold and we all know you’re not that good of an actor.

Check back tomorrow when another woman will have accused Piven of sexual assault.

Johnny Depp is Broke, Which Explains All the Pirate Movies

Johnny Depp is in some serious trouble. I think he’s broke?

Back in 2012, The Management Group, the company that managed Depp, loaned him $5 million because he was hurting for cash. That explains why he kept making the pirate movies. Depp has yet to repay the money and even sued TMG for $25 million for fraud earlier this year. TMG has now decided to hit Depp with a “judicial foreclosure,” which means Depp has to pay back the money or authorities are going to start snatching up items from his five Los Angeles homes before they are sold.

There’s a lot of information in Deadline’s report, but here are the highlights:

*Depp spent more than he made in most years. Those hats aren’t cheap, you know.
*TMG loaned him money in 2012 to “save him from public embarrassment.”
*Depp paid back part of the money, but still owes around $4.5 million. So really, he didn’t pay back shit.
*Depp not only sued TMG earlier this year, he sued his ex-lawyer for $30 million last month. No wonder he’s broke. He keeps spending millions on lawyers to sue people for more millions.
*The trial won’t start until August 2018. By then you won’t even remember this is a story.

My favorite line of the story, that pretty much sums up why Depp might be broke, is that he spent $3 million to shoot the ashes of Hunter S. Thompson out of a cannon in 2005. That’s either a sign that you have too much money or a sign that you spend too much money.

Does this man not have a financial advisor? If so, Depp should probably sue him as well for giving him a lot of bad information over the years.

Get ready for another shitty Pirates movie in 2019 after Depp spends millions fighting all these cases and losing his homes. If you thought Jack Sparrow was rough looking in the last one, just wait until he’s a homeless pirate drifting in the sea.

Kevin Spacey Was Just Grabbing Dicks Left and Right on the Set of ‘House of Cards’

Hey, Kevin Spacey is kind of a creep. In addition to his whole “tried to rape a 14 year old and definitely tried something with another 14 year old when he was in his 20s” thing, he was apparently all over the PAs on the set of House of Cards, according to a report by CNN. Netflix has suspended production on the sixth and final season of their first original series as allegations about Spacey come pouring in.

The former production assistant who spoke with CNN said Spacey sexually assaulted him one afternoon when the assistant was assigned to drive to an offsite location to pick up Spacey and bring him to the “House of Cards” set, which is located about 30 miles outside of Baltimore.

The production assistant says that when he and Spacey were just minutes away from the set and while the car was moving, Spacey, who was driving, put his hands down the production assistant’s pants. The production assistant told CNN that the touching was nonconsensual.

“I was in a state of shock,” he said. “He was a man in a very powerful position on the show and I was someone very low on the totem pole and on the food chain there.”

This is not an isolated incident. Apparently Spacey was basically sexually harassing everyone, just walking around the set grabbing dicks with impunity like a gay Harvey Weinstein.

A former female production assistant who worked on several seasons of “House of Cards” said she witnessed Spacey’s sexual misconduct with crew members on set.

“It was very known that Kevin was inappropriate, and males I worked with complained to me about how they felt uncomfortable,” she said. “Kevin does this thing which was play fights with them in order to touch them.” She said she saw Spacey approach “multiple people” to “say hello, greet them, shake their hand and pull their hand down to his crotch and touch their crotch. I have friends say he reached up their shorts on set.”

That’s weird, right? That’s not a thing normal people do, just walk around grabbing guys dicks, is it? Those are rhetorical questions, don’t go around grabbing anyone by their dicks. Or their pussies, for that matter, Mister President.

Nude Woman Goes Nude on Instagram to Tout Joys of Nudity

Are you afraid of nudity? Well, that’s just kind of weird. You were nude when you were born and everyone says that’s the best day of their life. So, get over your nudity phobia and follow @a.naked.girl on Instagram.

As you may have noticed by the username, @a.naked.girl is A Naked Girl. She’s a 21-year-old Dutch girl who just decided that she’s going to travel the world, shed her clothes, and take pictures. And God bless her.

She told The Daily Mail that she’s traveling the world and getting nude in order to make people more comfortable with nudity. “It is really a shame that not everyone can see the pleasure of being naked in a non-sexual way,” she said. I 100 percent agree with this naked girl. In fact, I’m getting nude right now. I hope everyone else in this coffee shop is cool with that.

She’s not doing anything different than a lot of Instagram users are doing. Who can forget the naked yoga movement? Or the nude thrill seeker? Or all of Australia just getting naked?

If you want attention on Instagram, just get naked.

The Weeknd and Selena Gomez End Their Rebound Relationship

One day after it was reported that The Weeknd was cool with Selena Gomez hanging out with Justin Bieber, The Weeknd and Selena Gomez have split.

But, like, he was still totally cool with Gomez hanging out with her ex. Just like Gomez was totally cool with The Weeknd getting jealous that Drake slept with his ex, Bella Hadid.

Note to people in relationships: don’t ever talk about your ex. This should be the first thing you learn in Relationship 101, but for some reason, everyone forgets this rule the moment they see their ex do something on social media. Creep all you want, but keep that shit to yourself. If you don’t, you’re going to wind up like The Weeknd and Gomez. Single.

The two singers started dating ten months ago and it was a weird relationship from the start. Some accused Gomez of using him to further her music career while others accused Gomez of breaking girl code (Gomez and Gigi Hadid are friends through Taylor Swift. Bella is Gigi’s sister. Things get really complicated when you start playing six degrees of Taylor Swift). No one really accused The Weeknd of anything, unless you thought he was trying to start some Canadian singer drama by hooking up with Bieber’s ex.

No matter their reasons, it was still a weird relationship. Gomez went from Bieber to a straight and narrow guy with talent and The Weeknd went from Bella to a girl who just dated Justin Bieber.

According to sources, the two were having trouble for months as Gomez was filming stuff in New York and going on tour. The timing of Gomez re-connecting with Bieber and Weeknd wanting to re-connect with Bella is just pure coincidence, if you believe in that type of thing.

Let’s just call this what it was. A rebound for both parties. Gomez had been dating Bieber for like five years and The Weeknd had been dating Bella for almost two years. They’re both young, they were alone, and they found each other. Now, they’ve split. That’s it.

I look forward to Drake trying to hook up with Gomez by the end of November.

This Guy Needed Surgery for His 3-Foot Penis and 11-Pound Testicles

Some dude in Kenya was slangin’ three feet worth of pure Kenyan cock with 11-pound balls. Unfortunately, having a penis that big and balls that heavy makes living life a bit difficult. Thus, Horace Owiti Opiyo, had to undergo a penis and ball reduction.

Let’s start from the beginning.

Opiyo, 20, had a cyst removed from his groin in 2006. However, it came back and made his groin area larger. Opiyo told his grandmother that he thought he was cursed. Herbal remedies didn’t work, but I’m sure he made the most of lotions down there. Opiyo could not afford to have a surgery. A neighbor put Opiyo’s story on the Internet and, because the Internet, it went viral. A governor’s wife saw the story and ordered a doctor to inspect him and perform a reduction surgery.

Opiyo is now a normal person with a normal size cock. Unless he was smart and made sure his cock is still bigger than average.

Here’s what Opiyo said after the surgery (via the NYPost):

“When I got up, I was surprised that my body was so light. All the heaviness had gone … I’m swimming now. I couldn’t go anywhere near the water because of the heaviness of that thing,

Now I can run and I can play football.”

I know guys like to talk about wanting to have a big cock, but imagine for a second having one that is three feet long. That thing is literally dragging on the ground. You could use it was a belt. And if your cock is that big, you’re only getting the tip in. And 11-pound balls? No thanks.

But, if you’re not happy with your less than average penis, here’s how you could possibly increase it to three feet without taking 30 Viagra: have a mosquito bite your groin area. It’ll cause the blood to stop flowing, thus increasing the chances of swelling. We’ve all been bit by a mosquito, we all know how they work on our arm. It’s annoying. But if you don’t mind a bit of annoyance knowing it leads to a three-foot dick and 11-pound balls, head to the woods without your pants.

Paris Jackson’s Cousin Sounds More Like Michael Jackson Than She Does

Paris Jackson can sing. At least, that’s what I’m led to believe based on this video.

That’s Michael’s daughter singing “Smile” with Austin Brown. I’ve never heard of Austin Brown or heard of the song, but I think it’s pretty good. I like his voice, as well. Paris Jackson is singing, but I can’t tell if she’s good or if she’s being carried by Brown. There’s clear evidence that Brown is good on his own, Jackson never goes solo in this video.

Some are already saying that Paris sounds a lot like her father, but let’s wait until we see more evidence, ok? Michael Jackson was one of the best singers and entertainers of his generation. Paris Jackson is barely swaying and sort of contributing to a duet. Until she gives me “Black or White” I’m not ready to put her next to Tito, much less Michael.

That’s a bit unfair.

She’s definitely better than Tito. Even if she can’t sing a lick.

And are we still doing that thing where we’re not sure if Paris actually has any of Michael’s DNA? Because if we are, it’s a bit farfetched to say she has her father’s voice. She could still be a good singer and not have her father’s voice.

If you’re wondering who Austin Brown is, he’s the cousin of Paris. He’s the son of Rebbie Jackson, who was Michael’s oldest sister. Why can’t we praise him and say that he has the voice of his uncle? Because that dude is good and we should be paying attention to him, not Paris.

Gabrielle Union Reveals Lack Of Ass Eating Hurting Dwyane Wade On The Court

Dwyane Wade is struggling with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He’s averaging five points through three games and hasn’t quite fit in.

This post isn’t about Dwyane Wade’s struggling on the court. It’s about him eating ass. Or maybe not eating enough ass.

Gabrielle Union, actress and wife of Wade, appeared on Sway in the Morning and said that sex should be equal. If a guy cums, a girl should cum. If the girl goes down on a guy, the guy should go down on the girl. If the guy eats the girls butt, the girl should eat the guys butt.

One dude was like, “Guys aren’t really into that,” when Gabrielle shot back, “That’s what they say.”

You know, whatever works for them. I guess I shouldn’t knock it until I try it, but I’m not brave enough to try it. DWade is much more of a man than I am. That’s probably why he’s with Gabrielle Union. Take note, gents. If you want to get the girl of your dreams, don’t be afraid to eat some ass and ask if they’ll eat your ass in return.

Just remember, whatever you do, do not go ass to mouth.

In other news, Wade has been asked to be moved to the bench in Cleveland. And you know he did that just so people stopped talking about how he likes his butt eaten. That’s a vet move, DWade. Respect.

KFC’s Twitter Only Follows 11 Herbs and Spice Girls

In one of the weirdest social media marketing ploys since McDonalds did their “not Rick and Morty but totally Rick and Morty Szechuan Sauce Riot” stunt, it has come to Twitter’s attention that Kentucky Fried Chicken’s Twitter account is following 11 people. Those people are 6 guys named Herb, including Herb Alpert, and the 5 Spice Girls, referencing that brand’s “11 herbs and spices”. The original tweet pointing this out went viral with over a quarter million retweets in less than a day.

People’s minds were clearly blown at the clever and extremely subtle joke.

As always, Wendy’s social media team couldn’t let another food brand trend without inserting themselves into the conversation.

So this is a cute story to start your weekend on, isn’t it? Well, we at The Blemish regret to inform you that Harvey Weinstein just raped a 10 piece bucket. I’m kidding, of course, it was actually one of those Double Down sandwiches, the ones with no bread. But true to his word, Harv got that sandwich a supporting role in a lighthearted summer comedy opposite Dane Cook after it signed an NDA.

Surprise Surprise, Harvey Weinstein Isn’t Taking His Sexual Predator Rehab Seriously

At this point, pretty much every woman who has ever been in a room with Harvey Weinstein has accused him of some sort of inappropriate sexual conduct. Well, aside from Lindsay Lohan. And Harvey Weinstein’s punishment for decades of unchallenged sexual abuse is a stint in one of those upscale rehab centers for rich people, sort of the sex offender version of a liberal arts college offering a course in adult coloring books. But according to Page Six, he isn’t even taking that seriously.

Weinstein was reported to be at an inpatient facility, but our source says he is actually being treated at an intensive outpatient facility, which allows him to spend nights at a hotel. The clinic offers one-on-one counseling and group therapy sessions, among other treatments.

That’s gonna end well. There’s a 0% chance Weinstein invites his therapist over to his hotel room, answers the door in a bath robe and then tells her he’ll make her a movie star if she sucks his dick, right?

The source told us, “In one group therapy session, Harvey arrived 15 minutes late. Then, when it was his turn to speak, he launched into a speech about how this is all a conspiracy against him.”

Oh, crap, he figured it out! If there’s one group that is historically persecuted, it’s rich men in positions of power with the ear of high-level politicians. They just can’t catch a break.

The source added that as others at the clinic shared their personal stories, “Harvey fell asleep in his chair. He was only woken up by the ringing of his smuggled mobile phone [which is banned at the facility] . . . Harvey jolted awake, jumped up, immediately took the call and then ran out of the room.”

It’s cute that Harvey Weinstein seems to think he’s still going to have a career in Hollywood once he finishes “rehab”. It’s like Hillary Clinton still thinking she might some day be president.

Another source close to Weinstein says he is no longer joining group sessions, “for obvious reasons,” but is undergoing individual treatment, and is accompanied at all times by a therapist.

“He insists he never raped or assaulted anyone, and that all the encounters were consensual. He realizes he has acted like an a–hole, but he still insists he’s not a rapist. He does have his phone, but when he is in therapy, he has to give it to someone else,” the source said, adding, “The characterization of what he said and what happened at the group session isn’t true.”

“Acted like an asshole” is a bit of an understatement, isn’t it? It’s like saying Donald Trump isn’t that great of a president or that Barack Obama killed a few innocent people with flying murder robots.

Playboy Is Different Without Hugh Hefner

Hugh Hefner hasn’t been dead a month and already Playboy is doing things differently.

First off, there’s a man on the cover of Playboy. Sure, it’s Hefner himself. But he’s still a man. They tried this magazine. It was called Playgirl and it’s either dead or so unimportant that it may as well be dead.

The good news is that there’s no nude spread of Hefner inside the magazine. At least, I don’t think there is. And I’m not willing to risk my eyesight to find out.

However, this is a spread of model Ines Rau. She’s French, she’s brunette, and she’s transgender. She’s the first-ever transgender Playmate and she probably won’t be the last. In fact, this isn’t even the first time she’s appeared in Playboy. She was featured in the 2014 issue titled “A-Z.” She was the letter E for Evolution and talked about humanity accepting gender identities.

In this issue, Rau talks about accepting herself being transgender and how she doesn’t let negativity drag her down. She sounds very inspirational and I admire that, but let’s be honest, we’re talking about Playboy here. No one reads the articles. So, let me help you out:

US PLAYBOY MAY 2014 BY RYAN MAC GINLEY FOREVER GRATEFUL. #HUGHHEFNER #LEGEND #AVANDGARDE #PLAYBOY

A post shared by INES RAU (@supa_ines) on

“People have said that being transgender goes against the laws of nature, but they’re the same people who aren’t doing anything to help nature. If I want to get a sex change, it’s between myself and my body. I could hide it, but I don’t, because I respect people.”

MURDERED THAT SET 📸TODAY IN L.A .

A post shared by INES RAU (@supa_ines) on

“I’m an advocate for anyone who is scared to be who they really are because they fear being judged or rejected. They should be empowered by their differences and not be who society tells them to be. … The advice I have for girls is to chill. Don’t pressure yourself. Embrace yourself and be proud of who you are with your imperfections. It’s all in the mind, you know?”

Don't tell anyone where the The Beach is.

A post shared by INES RAU (@supa_ines) on

There, I just gave you the true Playboy experience.

Reese Witherspoon Sexually Assaulted at 16 by Hollywood Director

It has been quite a time in Hollywood since the New York Times published its exposé on Harvey Weinstein. A lot of actresses (and actors) have spoken up incidents they’ve had with Weinstein or other producers and directors. The latest actress to come forward is Reese Witherspoon, who says she was sexually assaulted by a director when she was 16, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

“[I feel] true disgust at the director who assaulted me when I was 16 years old and anger at the agents and the producers who made me feel that silence was a condition of my employment,” Witherspoon said. “And I wish I could tell you that was an isolated incident in my career, but sadly it wasn’t. I’ve had multiple experiences of harassment and sexual assault and I don’t speak about them very often.”

Earlier she reflected on the past week, in which multiple women in Hollywood have come forward about experiences of sexual harassment and assault, including some allegedly by disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein.

“This has been a really hard week for women in Hollywood, for women all over the world and a lot of situations and a lot of industries that are forced to remember and relive a lot of ugly truths,” Witherspoon said. “I have my own experiences that have come back to me very vividly and I find it really hard to sleep, hard to think, hard to communicate a lot of the feelings that I’ve been having about anxiety, about being honest, the guilt for not speaking up earlier, for not taking action.”

The Weinstein thing was just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to inappropriate behavior in Hollywood. There’s a culture of things being acceptable, just being “the way things are” that perpetuates this sort of behavior. Harvey Weinstein was hardly an isolated case. But Witherspoon sounds hopeful that this will be the moment when things will change.

“I feel really, really encouraged that there will be a new normal. For the young women in this room, life is going to be different because we have your back and it makes me feel better because, gosh, it’s about time.… I’m so sad that I have to talk about these issues, but I would be remiss not to,” she said.

You might be asking yourself why these stories are still news. I feel like I haven’t written about anything other than Hollywood sexual assault since the Weinstein story broke. But the fact that there are so many individual stories to report on shows that this isn’t a series of isolated incidents or a few bad actors, it’s a systemic problem that’s been largely ignored for decades, and that in itself is newsworthy.

‘Blade Runner 2049’ Should Have Been a Comedy With Ryan Gosling, Harrison Ford, and Alison Hammond

If you watched Ryan Gosling host Saturday Night Live this past weekend, you’ll know that he’s not very good at staying in character. I don’t think a single sketch went by that didn’t have him break for laughter in the middle of it. It was cute at first. Then it was like, “How do they ever get through filming a movie with you laughing every three seconds?” Then it became cute again because Ryan Gosling is adorable.

So, it wasn’t surprising to see him laugh his way through this interview on This Morning with Alison Hammond.

Seeing Harrison Ford cracking up the entire time is a different story. He’s usually a bit more serious during interviews.

If this isn’t proof that laughing is contagious, I don’t know what it is. It’s tough to remain straight-faced when Gosling is turning fifty shades of red and Hammond is laughing so loud she’s waking the country next to her.

I had never heard of Alison Hammond prior to this interview but she’s my new favorite person in entertainment. She seems super fun to be around and makes the guests pretty comfortable. It probably helps that they’re allowed to drink and she doesn’t mind drinking herself. Even though she says at the end that she doesn’t drink.

It also helps that she’s honest from the jump, admitting that she’s never seen the original Blade Runner. That means she’s not there to kiss their ass and tell them how great the original was and how great the new one is. She’s just there to have fun and get some stories.

And she gets some stories.

Gosling talks about Ford punching him in the face during filming, Ford admits that he can’t dance or sing, and they try to harmonize.

This interview not only sold me on seeing Blade Runner 2049, it has me wanting a buddy comedy with Ford, Gosling, and Hammond.

Get on it, Hollywood.

$100,000 a Month Not Enough to Put Up With Justin Bieber, Say Beverly Hills Landlords

Justin Bieber wants to live in Beverly Hills, but no one will rent him a home because he’s a giant douchebag who destroys rental properties and is a nightmare to live by. Bieber has a history of things like wild parties that result in the cops being called, egging his neighbor’s houses, and signing the guestbook of the Anne Frank House with “Truly inspiring to be able to come here. Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber.” Okay, that last one wouldn’t affect property values, it’s just more proof that he’s an insufferable douche.

Page Six is reporting that Bieber’s douchebaggedness has caught up with him and the rental owners of Beverly Hills have all come together and agreed to freeze Bieber out of the rental market.

A Hollywood real estate source exclusively told Page Six, “Justin wants to rent a big estate, but many of the owners of the big Beverly Hills properties, which are for rent, have clubbed together to agree that nobody should rent to Justin.

“You would think that they would want the cachet of having him at their homes — and Justin is offering $100,000 a month for places that aren’t anywhere near worth that. But he and his entourage have a reputation of trashing his rental homes and then being difficult where it comes to paying for the repairs.

“So instead he’s become a resident at a hotel, where the well-heeled guests have been doing double takes seeing him at breakfast on his own with his tattoos and baggy pants.”

So Justin Bieber is living in an upscale hotel now. That kind of sounds like the plot of a sitcom. “The guests at L’hotel think it’s the most exclusive residence in Beverly Hills, but wait until they meet their new neighbor, a douchey Canadian singer who skateboards around like it’s 1996.” That skateboard thing isn’t even made up.

Meanwhile, back at his Beverly Hills hotel, other guests have been stunned to see the singer skateboarding out of the property.

Who does that? Call an Uber, you tool.

Hugh Hefner Filmed Orgies Called ‘Pig Nights’ While Eating Licorice, and Other Hef Stories

We’ve heard a lot of reports about Hugh Hefner since he died, like that he didn’t leave his wife anything in his will and that his ears didn’t work because he took too many pills to make his wrinkled old man dick work. But the most interesting things said about Hef might be what his former valet Stefan Tetenbaum told the New York Post. And just an aside, that’s valet as in My Man Jeeves or Downton Abbey, not the kind that parks your car.

On certain nights, Mr. Hefner had prostitutes brought up to the mansion and he would entertain them with a big dinner and invite his friends to come and participate in different intimate acts with them. It was called “Pig Night.” Sometimes the women had penises and Hefner didn’t want to be involved with that, although some of the other guests, especially John Belushi, they didn’t mind.

So Hef was like a guy at a bar when he had a kid, buying a round of drinks for everyone. Only “drinks” means “transgender prostitutes”. Which could be a useful code.

Hugh, most of the time, never had sex with women. He was more interested in watching. He would hire famous male porn stars, including John Holmes, with huge penises and watch them have sex with different girls he brought in. Hugh sat there in his favorite chair, smoking a joint and eating red licorice and watching.

Okay, I don’t want to judge, but that’s kind of messed up. Also, John Holmes died of AIDS, so it’s probably for the best that Hef was just watching. Personally, I would have had to at least touched it. That thing was like a baseball bat, there’s no point in your life where “I gave John Holmes a handjob” stops being an interesting story to tell at parties, even if you are Hef.

He always filmed the encounters. He had two large video cameras over his bed and he had these giant screens across from his bed. He had a whole library for these sex acts with different people and the video librarian told me Hef planned to use the footage against his associates if they ever threatened to come out with a memoir about him or the mansion.

Now we’re into the crazy parts. It’s all fun and hookers until a magazine mogul threatens to show your wife a filmstrip of you blowing a transgender prostitute. He kind of makes Hefner sound like he’s one jar of urine away from building a giant wooden airplane and buying 350 gallons of banana nut ice cream on a whim.

Hef wasn’t a kind man. If he tasted the Pepsi and it wasn’t cold enough, he would throw it away and call me to replace it. I don’t know if he ever even knew my name. He would just call me “valet.” He was very brutal to his girlfriends and sex partners.

As much fun as being friends with Hefner seemed like would be, he sounds like he was quite a jerk to anyone who wasn’t a celebrity. “Valet” isn’t even the proper way to address a valet, he should have referred to him as Tetenbaum.

I really didn’t feel anything when I heard Hef died. He started out as an innovator and was a very liberal guy. He was pro abortion, gay rights, marijuana. He was very ahead of his time and then when he moved from Chicago to Holmby Hills, he became just another dirty old rich man.

That’s the saddest part of the story. Hef was basically a Clinton, someone who set out to make the world a better place when they were young and turned into another rich asshole who only cared about himself. Now I feel like I need a drink. Maybe two drinks. I knew that would be a useful code.

Marilyn Manson Crushed by His On Stage Prop

Marilyn Manson was stretchered out in the middle of his concert at the Hammerstein Ballroom in New York when a giant set piece featuring two guns fell on top of him. According to images, Manson was climbing the guns before it fell over.

Manson was stretchered out and taken to the hospital. On Twitter, rumors are saying he only broke his leg or fractured his ankle. No official word is out yet on the extent of his injuries, but knowing Manson, he’ll make a full recovery just so he can flick another reporter’s balls.

Meet Jessica Wall, Hugh Hefner’s Final Pick for Playmate of the Month

Whether you want to praise Hugh Hefner or bury him, Hef kept doing what he loved right up until the end. What he loved was looking at naked coeds, and who can blame him for that. According to TMZ, Hef was involved with choosing the Playboy Playmate of the Month right up through Miss September 2017, Jessica Wall.

While you memorize that in case it comes up at trivia night at your local sports bar, let’s take a look at Jessica’s Instagram and see how Hef did in his last days.

Well, I’m convinced Hugh Hefner was still on his game right up until the end.

For those of you who don’t like seeing beautiful women half naked, she has an adorable little cat, too.