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The National Enquirer Allegedly Tried To Blackmail Jeff Bezos With Pictures of His Dong

We’re all going to have to see Jeff Bezos’s dick. I’m as unhappy about it as you are, but we all know it’s coming, right? His dick is out there, the National Inquirer has it, and we’re all going to have to see it because he thought he deserved a vagina upgrade for being the only person in the world to make a bookstore profitable. And if you’re going to get a vagina upgrade, at least make sure it’s an upgrade, Bezos made a lateral move at best. But at least she’s alive. Fucking hell, I still can’t get over those texts, it’s like he let Alexa write them after it developed an emergent consciousness and wanted to know what love was.

Anyway, Bezos has been investigating The National Inquirer on their alleged ties to right-wing politicians, notably Donald Trump, and they’re not happy about it. So they allegedly tried to blackmail him into dropping his investigation with pictures of his weiner. Bezos shared an e-mail with a description of the pictures in a Medium post about the situation.

However, in the interests of expediating this situation, and with The Washington Post poised to publish unsubstantiated rumors of The National Enquirer’s initial report, I wanted to describe to you the photos obtained during our newsgathering.

In addition to the “below the belt selfie — otherwise colloquially known as a ‘d*ck pick’” — The Enquirer obtained a further nine images. These include:

· Mr. Bezos face selfie at what appears to be a business meeting.

· Ms. Sanchez response — a photograph of her smoking a cigar in what appears to be a simulated oral sex scene.

· A shirtless Mr. Bezos holding his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring. He’s wearing either tight black cargo pants or shorts — and his semi-erect manhood is penetrating the zipper of said garment.

· A full-length body selfie of Mr. Bezos wearing just a pair of tight black boxer-briefs or trunks, with his phone in his left hand — while wearing his wedding ring.

· A selfie of Mr. Bezos fully clothed.

· A full-length scantily-clad body shot with short trunks.

· A naked selfie in a bathroom — while wearing his wedding ring. Mr. Bezos is wearing nothing but a white towel — and the top of his pubic region can be seen.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a plunging red neckline dress revealing her cleavage and a glimpse of her nether region.

· Ms. Sanchez wearing a two-piece red bikini with gold detail dress revealing her cleavage.

That’s the least sexy description of sexting I’ve ever read.

Bezos did the smart thing by not giving in, but seriously, I don’t want to see his dick or is his boring selfies.

The post The National Enquirer Allegedly Tried To Blackmail Jeff Bezos With Pictures of His Dong appeared first on The Blemish.

I Hate ‘The Masked Singer’, So Why Am I Obsessed With ‘The Masked Singer’

The Masked Singer has become a huge hit for Fox, and I have to admit that I’m obsessed with it even thuogh I think it’s the dumbest thing in the world. An American adaptation of South Korean hit Miseuteori Eumaksyo Bokmyeon-gawang, or King of Mask Singer, The Masked Singer features a group of celebrities in a singing competition show with the hook being they were elaborate mascot costumes to hide their identities from the audience and judges Ken Jeong, Jenny McCarthy, Nicole Scherzinger and Robin Thicke. We only find out who is under the mask once a singer is eliminated, or, I assume, at the end of the season when the winner is announced.

I don’t like The Masked Singer; I don’t like the concept of singing competition reality shows to begin with and the hook for this show just seems utterly ridiculous. But I need to know who is under the masks. It’s latched onto my brains and I just keep following it.

So far, we’re halfway through the show and that means the six worst singers have been unmasked.

  • Hippo – Antonio Brown
  • Pineapple – Tommy Chong
  • Deer – Terry Bradshaw
  • Poodle – Margaret Cho
  • Unicorn – Tori Spelling
  • Raven – Ricki Lake

Two Pittsburgh Steelers seems like an odd choice, but it’s better than two New England Patriots. Can you imagine if Tom Brady was one of the masked singers? Running around deflating the other masks and making his kids kiss him on his weird mascot lips, no one needs to see that.

Also, none of these people are major celebrities or even singers so far. I feel like that’s part of the appeal of the show, because if I knew that these were the celebrities there’s no way I’d ever tune in. It’s like Dancing with the Stars or Celebrity Big Brother: really stretching the definition of the words “star” and “celebrity”.

I think the mystery is a big part of the appeal. Like a mystery novel, people like to guess about whodoneit. I’m only human. So you did it, Fox, you hooked me on watching something I hate with your gimmicks. It’s like that terrible movie that Kristen Stewart did those nude scenes in; I’m miserable, but the pay-off is worth it. Also, I will fight anyone who says the Bee is anyone but Gladys Knight.

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‘Modern Family’ Calling It Quits, Here are The Best Episodes

Well, it’s finally happening, everyone. The renowned award-winning series Modern Family will end after its 11th season. It’s sad to think about it since it’s such a staple in American television, but on the other hand, you can’t say it hasn’t had a good run after eleven years on the air. To commemorate Modern Family‘s departure, let’s have a look at some the show’s most memorable moments from its best episodes.

1. Fizbo the Clown

This episode marks the first appearance of Cam’s alter-ego, Fizbo the Clown. Cam is determined that Fizbo will make an appearance at Luke’s birthday party much to Mitch’s irritation and the clown-phobic Phil’s terror.

2. The Kids Walk In On Their Parents Having Sex

Haley, Alex, and Luke try to surprise their parents with breakfast in bed on their anniversary, but receive the shock of their lives when they accidentally catch Phil and Claire doing the deed, something no child should ever have to witness. Phil and Claire sit the kids down to try to rectify the situation, but only succeed in further traumatizing their children.

3. Phil Has the Flu in Disneyland

This entire episode (“Disneyland”) is great. Alex and Haley are fighting over a boy, little Lily has to go on a toddler leash, Gloria suffers from the pain her stilettos are causing, and Manny obsesses over stocks like a neurotic, coke-fueled Wall Street mogul. But the real stand-out is poor Phil who just wants to enjoy the day with his family and have fun on the rollercoasters, but is slowly being sapped by the flu that is slowly overtaking him. I always empathize because the exact same thing happened to me during a day at Hershey Park.

4. The Godfather Sequence

It’s Baby Joe’s christening, and with Claire too busy to help the kids with their problems, Phil has to step in and help the kids with their feuds with other people. After failing in his “kill them with kindness” strategy, Phil goes full-on Godfather on all of these brats. While Phil stands up as Joe’s actual godfather, Luke and Dylan execute Phil’s plan by wreaking Godfatherly havoc on the Dunphys’ enemies.

5. Cam and Mitch Lock Baby Lily in the Car

Mere seconds after Cam gives Mitch a parenting pep talk after Mitch accidentally bumps their daughter’s head, the two inadvertently lock Baby Lily in the car. It’s perfectly paced pandemonium in under two minutes. Cam falls into complete hysteria and tries to break the car window with a public trash can while Mitch struggles to pacify his husband as he talks to emergency assistance, the operator mistakes Cam’s high-pitched screams for a woman’s voice, and the scene ends with complete and sudden calm once the emergency signal unlocks their car door.

6. Cam’s Lion King Presentation of Baby Lily

A scene right from the very first episode. When Mitch and Cam call a family meeting for a surprise, Jay mistakes the occasion for Mitch announcing their breakup. After Jay refers to Cam as a “drama queen,” and Mitch tries to object, Cam offsets the protests by emerging from the back room elaborately robed to present Baby Lily Lion King-style complete with The Circle of Life playing in the background. This one scene shows the audience exactly what we can expect from the flamboyant Cam, and the series does not disappoint.

7.  Gloria Kills a Rat

Here we see the feisty Gloria’s scarier side on full display. It’s strongly hinted that Gloria might have murdered the neighbor’s dog, but Jay is relatively sure of his wife’s involvement after witnessing Gloria violently slaughter and decapitate a rat in their yard with complete satisfaction.

8. Phil’s Decision Making Skills

In ten seconds, we learn that sometimes Phil doesn’t always make the most well-thought-out decisions on his own. And Claire learns why she shouldn’t let Phil out of the house unsupervised

9. The Humping Stuffed Animals on the Car Roof

There really are no words that can best describe this scene. You just have to watch.

10. Mitch Versus Pigeon

Mitch is home alone with baby Lily when a pigeon gets into the house. Mitch is terrified of birds, and Cam isn’t around to save him. From Mitch hiding from the pigeon in his daughter’s nursery to having to run for the kitchen hysterically screaming to get Lily’s bottle, down to where Mitch decides to take down this feathered fuck for good by chasing the pigeon through the house wielding a tennis racket and fire extinguisher as he destroys his home in slow-mo while Cam sings “Ave Maria” in the background, these are the most priceless three minutes and fifteen seconds.

The post ‘Modern Family’ Calling It Quits, Here are The Best Episodes appeared first on The Blemish.

Deepfakes Strike Again, This Time Turning Jennifer Lawrence Into Steve Buscemi

I love deepfakes. They let us watch our favorite celebrities get railed and put Nic Cage into actual good movies. They’re the best thing to happen to masturbation since that robot that eats pussy. And of course people are freaking out because they keep getting better, which is how computer learning algorithms work.

Freelance journalist Mikael Thalen posted this video to Twitter showing Steve Buscemi being imposed on Jennifer Lawrence, and it looks really good.

Cue the hysterics from media outlets:

“Jennifer Buscemi is the deepfake that should seriously frighten you” – The Daily Dot

“This Steve Buscemi/Jennifer Lawrence DeepFake Will Have You Fearing For The Future” – Junkee

“Doctored ‘deep fake’ videos posing threat to elections, security” – CNN

Give me a fucking break. I keep saying this, but this technology has been available forever. Here’s a behind-the-scenes doc of how LucasFilm did this to bring Peter Cushing into Star Wars: Rogue One.

And Marvel fans will remember how Captain America: Civil War used CGI to de-age Robert Downey, Jr. No, the part that scares these people is that poor people have access to this technology now. It was fine when it was just rich people, because these people consider the rich to be inherently trustworthy, which is why they want Silicon Valley tech billionaires to decide what acceptable speech is despite their horrible track record of doing things like deciding that “cisgender” and “learn to code” are hate speech. But who knows what could happen when this sort of technology is democratized! The horror of it all!

At the end of the day, all this technology is really going to do is give us better and more convincing porn of the women from Game of Thrones, and isn’t that a net good? It increases the amount of happiness in the world even more than having your bike stolen.

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Angelina Jolie Tries to Win Shiloh’s Love

Over the weekend, Angelina Jolie was spotted at a Hollywood Petco with daughter Shiloh. And it looks like the trip ended with Shiloh heading home with a new pet. Can’t tell what it is, but based on the size of the box, the pet is probably from the bird, rodent, or reptile family.

This happy family outing comes in the wake of rumors that Jolie’s ex-husband, Brad Pitt, might be having a relationship with actress Charlize Theron. And there’s been speculation that Jolie is not too happy about this relationship possibly due to some professional rivalry that Jolie has had with Theron in the past.

As we all know, Jolie and Pitt’s divorce was less than amicable. Now, this could just be a simple outing to buy a new pet for one of their six children. But I wouldn’t be surprised if Jolie is making a subtle dig at Pitt. Get a pet for one of the kids after subjecting them to divorce court hell, and come out looking like the better parent. Especially when the other parent is publicly carrying on with a rival actress.

Plus, I could see Jolie wanting to saddle Pitt with some additional pet care as well as childcare during his visitation weekends.

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It looks like Zack Morris and Jessie Spano Hooked Up After All

If you’re a 90s kid, you most likely remember the show Saved By The Bell.

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The gang. #savedbythebell

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Others of you might recall that Dustin Diamond (the nerdy Screech) wrote a tell-all book back in 2009 called Behind the Bell about his supposed experiences on the set of the show. The book was hugely disputed, and his claims of outrageous behavior behind the scenes were highly questionable. But one thing that Diamond did (sort of) get right was that there was plenty of on-set, inter-cast dating. Mark-Paul Gosselaar, who played Zack Morris, recently admitted that he dated Elizabeth Berkley (Jessie Spano) during their time on the show.

Gosselaar just had an interview on Anna Faris’ podcast, Unqualified where he confirmed that there was a lot of “incestuous” dating during the show. He explained saying:

“You know how it is. When you’re working on a set, and we were young, there’s no one around, really. I mean, you work and live in a bubble.”

Well, it’s not exactly a shocking revelation. It’s pretty unsurprising that a bunch of young kids who spend most of their days with each other in an isolated environment would eventually turn to each other for romance. I mean, if they’re spending most of their days on set with raging hormones and hardly any contact with other people, where else are they going to get their rocks off?

And I guess it shouldn’t be too surprising that Zack Morris and Jessie Spano hooked up. I guess that’s the next logical step when you save someone from becoming a caffeine pill junkie.

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The Oscar Nominations Are Here, Honoring All the Films You’ll Maybe Watch Next Year If There’s Nothing Else Good on Netflix

The Oscars are my favorite night of the year. After the Academy goes all 1920s gangster on anyone thinking of presenting a SAG award, we finally get to see our favorite Hollywood stars spending four hours acting as if being in a movie about the Holocaust that came out in mid-December is a greater contribution to humanity than curing polio. And today we found out what films you haven’t seen or heard of are being honored.

BEST PICTURE

Black Panther
BlacKkKlansman
Bohemian Rhapsody
The Favourite
Green Book
Roma
A Star Is Born
Vice
I’m guessing Green Book will win here; it won the Golden Globe and it’s about a white person being nice to a black person despite everyone else being racist and that’s a thing the old white people who vote on the Oscars like. Then again, the screenwriter liked Donald Trump so it could be anybody’s ballgame.
Actor in a Starring Role
Christian Bale, Vice
Bradley Cooper, A Star Is Born
Willem Dafoe, At Eternity’s Gate
Rami Malek, Bohemian Rhapsody
Viggo Mortensen, Green Book
Rami Malek seems like a strong contender here, a straight actor playing a queer character is historically a great way to win an Oscar. Seriously, do you think Hillary Swank was the best actress of 1999? Really? But it’ll probably be Christian Bale.
Actress in a Starring Role
Yalitza Aparicio, Roma
Glenn Close, The Wife
Lady Gaga, A Star Is Born
Olivia Colman, The Favourite
Melissa McCarthy, Can You Ever Forgive Me?
You’d think I’d go with Olivia Colman here because of the aforementioned straight actor, queer character thing, but The Favorite was a comedy and that’s just never going to cut it for the Academy voters. I’m going with Glenn CLose because the old men who vote for these things are the exact target audience for her saggy naked romp.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Mahershala Ali, Green Book
Adam Driver, BlacKkKlansman
Sam Elliott, A Star Is Born
Richard E. Grant, Can You Ever Forgive Me
Sam Rockwell, Vice
I’m almost positive Mahershala Ali wins here. Green Book is exactly the kind of toothless, feelgood social commentary voters love, and Ali is a very talented actor.
Actress in a Supporting Role
Amy Adams, Vice
Marina de Tavira, Roma
Regina King, If Beale Street Could Talk
Emma Stone, The Favourite
Rachel Weisz, The Favourite
I think Amy Adams wins here. Movies about the Bush Administration being full of sociopaths is always a safe bet at the Oscars.
Director
Spike Lee, BlacKkKlansman
Pawel Pawlikowski, Cold War
Yorgos Lanthimos, The Favourite
Alfonso Cuarón, Roma
Adam McKay, Vice
I’m guessing Alfonso Cuarón wins, but Yorgos Lanthimos also has a really good chance, I did hear a lot about The Favorite on NPR.
There’s also lots of other categories, but does anyone care who wins Best Lighting or Best Craft Service Spread or whatever else they give out in the middle of the ceremony when everyone is flipping over to see Bob’s Burgers? Best Animated Feature Film maybe, but it’s just going to be Incredibles 2. Since they started giving out that award in 2001, Disney has won all but five years, and nine of the twelve Disney wins were for Pixar films. That’s your safest bet of the night, but you’ll probably be able to put in a really good showing in your office Oscar pool if you pick Black Panther for all the “who cares” awards like Outstanding Achievement in Sound Mixing.

The post The Oscar Nominations Are Here, Honoring All the Films You’ll Maybe Watch Next Year If There’s Nothing Else Good on Netflix appeared first on The Blemish.

Leslie Jones Doesn’t Understand Why No One Liked Her Horrible ‘Ghostbusters’ Film

It’s no secret that the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot was an abject failure by any objective measure. In addition to being a box office flop, it was met with mixed reviews from critics, mainly because after Richard Roeper, one of the world’s most esteemed critics, was accused of being a sexist for saying how truly terrible the film was, most critics found something nice to say about it and it still only has a 58% from top critics on Rotten Tomatoes.

So it shouldn’t be that surprising to find out that the coming reboot from Jason Reitman, which will most likely also be terrible, is ignoring it. It’s worth mentioning that the original Ghostbusters and the 2016 Ghostbusters don’t share a continuity, so it’s pretty much a one or the other proposition.

Leslie Jones isn’t happy with the development, and made an angry tweet about it. I don’t understand her thinking because if I was in that Paul Feig Ghostbusters I wouldn’t want to remind people it existed.

So insulting. Like fuck us. We dint count. It’s like something trump would do. (Trump voice)”Gonna redo ghostbusteeeeers, better with men, will be huge. Those women ain’t ghostbusteeeeers” ugh so annoying. Such a dick move. And I don’t give fuck I’m saying something!!

You know, I didn’t think this sounded like something Trump would do. You know what I think Trump would do? I think Trump would take the African-American character meant to be the down-to-Earth audience surrogate and turn that character into something out of a minstrel show running around yelling “Oh lawdy it’s a spookem!” when she sees a ghost. But that isn’t what Trump did, it’s what Leslie Jones did.

Yeah, the 2016 Ghostbusters movie was bad, but Leslie Jones’ role made me actively uncomfortable. It was kind of like watching Amos ‘N’ Andy. I think we should all be glad it won’t be revisited.

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Millie Bobby Brown Thinks the Stalker From ‘You’ Was Super Romantic

I watched You with my girlfriend a few weeks ago because she likes stories about emotionally unstable men and I’m no fool, I do what she says so we have sex instead of a fight. We’ve been together long enough that she’s gone from swooning over Twilight to us making jokes about how controlling these characters are. Occasionally, when she’s going out with her best friend I’ll tell her I was feeling jealous, so I disassembled her car’s engine to keep her safe, and she’ll jokingly reply “Aww, that’s so romantic!” That sort of thing.

If you haven’t watched You, which was on Lifetime in September but gained a huge following after being streamed on Netflix starting at Christmas, here are some spoilers for you: it’s about a crazy guy who meets a girl, stalks her, kills her boyfriend and then best friend and dates her. Then they break up and she turns out to be almost as crazy, stalking him to get him back and away from his new girlfriend while sleeping with her therapist. Then he locks her in a cage under his bookstore, kills her and pins the blame on said therapist. We were absolutely howling with laughter by the end, where the guy is narrating something to the effect of “I think Beck would be okay with me murdering her because I love her so much I had no other choice.”

Oh, and the dead best friend was also stalking the female lead. It’s a mess. Everyone is stalking everyone.

Millie Bobby Brown thought it was super romantic, because she’s a teenager and teenagers are dumb.

Oh honey, we’re going to judge you, it’s the internet. In fact, people are still judging her on Twitter right now

Also, keep in mind Brown had just started watching the show, so it’s not like she got to the part where he’s killing a bunch of people and went “Awww, how sweet!” In fact, her opinion changed after she finished the show. Shocking, I know.

That’s kind of just the way the show is structured, you’re supposed to like the guy at first and be able to look past the fact that he’s a nutter. Even when he starts killing people, they’re not good people. Everyone loves it when Marvel heroes kill the bad guys, right? That’s what being a hero is, isn’t it? Yeah, think about that one for a while.

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Miley Cyrus is NOT Having a Baby Right Now, Thank You

So, remember earlier this week when I talked about how Margot Robbie had fucking had it with being asked about when she’s going to start pushing out some babies? Well, the media has a new potential target for celebrity spawn. Miley Cyrus.

We all know that Miley Cyrus finally married Liam Hemsworth at the end of December. That was roughly four or five weeks ago.

And now that these two have officially wed, the media has decided that these to need to get on with that babymaking! I mean, these two have been married for almost an entire month! After all, Cyrus is already 26 years old, and Hemsworth is pushing 3o. Tabloids speculated and reported this week about how Cyrus and Hemsworth were expecting. OK! Magazine even said that not only was Cyrus pregnant but that she was having a girl.

Well, Cyrus went ahead and shot that shit down when she came out with this statement on Instagram:

“I’m not ‘Egg-xpecting’ but it’s ‘Egg-celent’ to hear everyone is so ‘Happy For Us’ We’re happy for us too! ‘Egg-cited’ for this next chapter in our lives …. Now , can everyone leave me alone and go back to staring at an egg [reference to Kylie Jenner egg story this week].”

There is nothing tabloids love more than a celebrity pregnancy. That, and correctly reporting a celebrity pregnancy, regardless of whether it’s true or not. Just ask Jennifer Aniston. She’s been declared pregnant by the tabloids about eighty seven times in the last twelve years.

Celebrity pregnancies are catnip because that means the media has nine months of covering protruding bellies, pregnancy fashion and birth dates. And of course, then they get to document the post-pregnancy body! A celebrity baby story is pretty much a gold mine for tabloids and paparazzi.

There are two subjects that really get the tabloid reporters foaming at the mouth: weddings and babies. Since Hemsworth and Cyrus already fulfilled the wedding bit, now the media wants them to get cracking with the babymaking. Unfortunately, guys, as far as the media is concerned,  you’re chopped liver until you’re ready to shove out that Cyrus-Hemsworth hybrid.

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President Who Built His Entire Image on Being Rich Served Fast Food at White House Reception

Donald Trump is an 8-year-old’s idea of what being rich is like come to life. He has no taste, class or refinement, he’s on his third trophy wife and all his ties are too long. That doesn’t have anything to do with anything, it jut bugs me.

Trump really outdid himself in the tacky department tonight, though. The Clemson Tigers were at the White House Monday, being honored for winning the NCAA football title. Because they arrived during the partial government shutdown due to the President’s intransigence on the border wall, the White House cooking staff as unavailable to cater the event. You might be assuming that the President called a local caterer to handle the event; a football team and staff isn’t much different in size from the average wedding party, after all, plenty of places in D.C. could handle the job.

No, President Art of the Deal’s idea of a nice meal is to get a shitload of fast food and put it on the White House’s fine china.

Yeah, those college kids wouldn’t be able to get fast food like that just anywhere, it’s a special day for them.

“Were there french fries?” I hear you asking.

I can’t even with this. I don’t even see any McNuggets there, what kind of half-assed fast food spread is this?

You’d think he’d at least spring for Papa John’s since Papa John is also a racist.

Don’t get me wrong, I love a good delivery pizza and a quarter-pounder with cheese. But it’s not what you want on your special once-in-a-lifetime visit to the White House in your honor as a national champion. It’s like getting to spend the night with your high school girlfriend while your spouses are out of town and you just play Magic: The Gathering. It’s not the worst thing in the world, but it isn’t what you were hoping for.

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Louis C.K. Not Only Exposes Himself to Women, But Allegedly Infects Them with STDs

It’s bad enough that Louis C.K. seemed to think it was totally okay to pull out his dick and masturbate in front of women without their permission, but now we all know that he’s allegedly not above infecting the few willing women with STDs.

In a series of recently leaked emails from 2012, we now know that Louis C.K., by his admission, allegedly passed on an STD to one of the rare women he could manage to entice into bed with him (what this woman was thinking, I’ll never know). The emails detailed the ending of a relationship between C.K. and restaurant owner Sarma Melngailis. Here is what C.K. said in the exchange:

“I understand you’re upset. This kind of shit is tough. I never swore that I was clean. I told you I may or may not have given this to you. I’m sorry if I did. If you gave it to me, it’s okay. We all share the current human bloodstream, which includes this kind of stuff.”

So, what I understand is that Louis C.K. knew there was an excellent chance he had an STD and could infect someone, but figured he didn’t need to wear a condom? And he wasn’t 100% sure that was actually clean? This. Is Why. You. Get. Tested. You. Stupid Fuck.

What I find stomach turning is the shitload of excuses he has. It’s not his fault because he never said he was clean and really, is anyone actually clean? And of course, “there are no good tests for guys and even that condoms don’t stop shit.”

Now, I can’t lay all the blame on C.K. here. I don’t think there was any sign of misconduct; obviously, Melngailis could have demanded that C.K. either wear a condom or no sex. And she could have insisted that he get an actual STD test so she could see for herself whether he had anything. Personally, I think that’s entirely too much effort to go through just to sleep with Louis C.K., and she would have been better off moving on to someone else who had been sufficiently tested.

I’ll bet anything that in his youth, Louis C.K. was one of those guys who whined about not wanting to wear a condom because “they chafe” and “don’t make sex feel as good.”

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Government Worker Wins $235,000 for Getting Sprayed by Co-Worker’s Breast Milk

You really can’t make this kind of shit up. This is the type of story where you just question humanity and wonder what the fuck is wrong with people.

A New Jersey Belleville Township employee was just awarded $235,000 in reparations for being subjected to a “sexually hostile workplace” from 2009-2014.

The employee, Cheryl Jeanette, had two work colleagues, administrator Yara Acosta and deputy court administrator Roberta Almeida. Based on this story, neither of these two women seem to have any idea of how to act in public. I expect more correct behavioral conduct from the residents of the trashiest of trailer parks than from these two.

First, Jeanette said that both Almeida and Acosta openly bragged about their sexual escapades with Belleville police officers and often saw them publicly making out with work colleagues. That may not sound that bad, probably sounds like an annoyance at worst. But it gets worse.

Jeannette also said that one of these two women told her (on several occasions) that she was going to perform sexual acts on Jeannette’s young son. What the actual fuck? What kind of depraved person says that they’re going to screw their co-worker’s kid? And the article doesn’t say how old Jeanette’s son is, just “young,” so I’m not sure if he is/was underaged at the time. I’m going to guess that he was either underaged or just barely legal. But in any case, that’s just sick. And you know what? It keeps getting worse.

Another incident in the report details that Almeida actually squirted Jeannette with her breast milk. Why? Just why? Why the fuck would you do something like that? Look, I’m cool with women pumping in the workplace, sometimes that’s unavoidable. But for Christ’s sake, why the hell would you spray someone with your breast milk? That’s disgusting. This is probably what ultra-conservative white men think all women are going to do if they’re allowed to pump or breastfeed in public.

Apparently, when Jeannette assisted with an investigation of her two colleagues’ performance, she was subjected to retaliation with a demotion and suspension. She resigned after 2014 when she couldn’t take it anymore. Her case was only just settled four years later.

On the plus side, in addition to that $235K payout, Jeannette will also get a lifetime of health benefits. So, at least she won’t ever have to worry about health insurance again. Very handy after getting sprayed in the face with someone else’s fluids.

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Robot Dildo Banned From CES, Making Me Question the Point of Robots and CES

If we aren’t building robots for sex, I’m not really sure why we’re building robots. We’ve all pretty much agreed that we’re going to fuck robots. People are building robot brothels and every year we hear about the updates in robot fucking technology at CES and other tech shows.

This year, CES gave an award to a pussy-eating robot called the Osé, but later took it back and banned the device from the show.

Lora DiCarlo, which is the name of the company and not a person, describes the device like this: “Osé uses advanced micro-robotics to mimic all of the sensations of a human mouth, tongue, & fingers, for an experience that feels just like a real partner, no need for desensitizing vibration. It even adapts to your body for a personal fit that hits all the right spots – because there are better uses for your hands.”

The company explains the situation at length (and girth, am I right ladies) in an open letter on their website.

It turns out CES decided it was “obscene”.

Entries deemed by CTA in their sole discretion to be immoral, obscene, indecent, profane or not in keeping with CTA’s image will be disqualified. CTA reserves the right in its sole discretion to disqualify any entry at any time which, in CTA’s opinion, endangers the safety or well being of any person, or fails to comply with these Official Rules.

Which, as the letter goes on to point out, is insane because they have all manner of sex robots there every year.

It’s also important to note that a literal sex doll for men launched on the floor at CES in 2018 and a VR porn company exhibits there every year, allowing men to watch pornography in public as consumers walk by. Clearly CTA has no issue allowing explicit male sexuality and pleasure to be ostentatiously on display. Other sex toys have exhibited at CES and some have even won awards, but apparently there is something different, something threatening about Osé, a product created by women to empower women.

Then in an even more insulting and frankly ridiculous assertion Gary Shapiro (CTA president and CEO) and Karen Chupka (Executive VP) sent a letter stating that our product was actually ineligible for the Robotics and Drone category entirely. Seriously? Our product that was designed in partnership with a top university robotics engineering laboratory (Oregon State University has ranked the #4 ranked Robotics Lab in the US), inspiring the genesis of OSU Professor John Parmigiani’s Prototype Development Lab. Osé is the subject of eight pending patents and counting for robotics, biomimicry, and engineering feats. We have a team of absolute genius woman and LGBTQI engineers (and a few wonderful men) working on every aspect of this product — including a Doctor of Mechanical Engineering with expertise in Robotics and AI and a Mechanical Design Engineer who specializes in Material Science with a background in Chemistry. Osé clearly fits the Robotics and Drone category – and CTA’s own expert judges agree.

I’m going to be honest here, I don’t see a reason here other than some dude went “eww, vaginas are nasty. Unless they’re robotic.” It’s very hard to make a case that this isn’t a case of gender bias, and I think that’s bad. If women want a pussy-eating miniature robot, then by god they should have one. Sex robots are good. Let women have them, too. Although I do have one issue here.

a product created by women to empower women.

Shut the fuck up about empowering women. It’s giving you an orgasm. If having orgasms was empowering, the world would be run by teenage boys. I’d have been declared God-King when I was 13.

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Beyonce Killed Future Coachellas

I’m not saying Beyonce ruined Coachella for all future Coachellas, but Beyonce ruined Coachella for all future Coachellas.

In 2017, Beyonce Knowles was scheduled to headline Coachella. Her highly anticipated performance was sidetracked by a little thing called a pregnancy. A year passed, she popped out her twins and was again scheduled to headline Coachella. This time, Jay Z had the courtesy not to put more babies in her.

The hype from 2017 only compounded in 2018. And when it came time for Beyonce to perform, she delivered. The production was beyond what anyone expected. It set a record breaking 458,000 simultaneous stream viewers on YouTube. She got people to actually choose to sit home and watch someone perform at a festival. Go to any site and you’ll find a recap about the cultural imagery used, the sort of return of Destiny’s Child or how it “slayed”. Stay here if you want a hot take on how 2019’s Coachella and any future ones will always be a letdown.

I’m not saying future Coachellas will suck. I’m saying the anticipation her performance built up and the fact she delivered has set the mark so high that no one is going to be able to reach it. Add to the fact non-Beyonce fans could check out X Japan, the first Japanese band to play Coachella, and it may seem Coachella had peaked.

There was a chance this year of Coachella could bring similar levels of hype with Kanye. But Kanye wouldn’t perform without a bigger stage because they “restrict his artistic ability.” Meanwhile, Justin Timberlake pulled out because of scheduling conflicts. So now you have Childish Gambino, Tame Impala and Ariana Grande headlining Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Good, but not great.

Childish Gambino is 2018’s symbol for wokeness while Ariana Grande talked about Pete Davdison’s big dick for an entire month before ending their engagement. Tame Impala is just, well, Tame Impala. None of these acts bring two decades of history with them. In fact, Ariana Grande was only 11 when “Say My Name” was released. Plus, she’s playing Sunday. A day when everyone is burnt out and ready to head home.

The only way Coachella can top Beyonce’s 2018 performance is if they booked a Kanye West b2b with Taylor Swift. And they gave him a bigger stage. One where he can descend from the heavens as god intended.

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Drake is This Generation’s R. Kelly, And Not Because Of His Singing

How appropriate that video of Drake kissing and fondling a 17-year-old comes out the same week Lifetime releases Surviving R. Kelly, a documentary about R. Kelly’s sexual abuse and grooming of underage women.

This Drake video from years ago showed up on Twitter. In it, he invites a young woman onstage. Drake grabs her by the hand and twirls her around, so that she ends up with her back facing him.

From there, he puts his hand on the girl’s shoulder while the crowd is shouting and cheering. His hand slowly pulls down the shoulder of the girl’s shirt. Then, Drake leans down and kisses her on her shoulder, and moves his lips up her side of her neck to her ears.

After that, one hand gently fondles the girl’s breast when he eventually ends up hugging her from behind and resting his head on her neck.

Drake then asks how old she is. When she tells him she’s 17, he says “I can’t go to jail yet, man!” Then he asks “Why do you look like that?!”

He goes on to say “Well look, I had fun. I don’t know whether I should feel guilty or not, but I had fun. I like the way your breasts feel against my chest. I just want to thank you.”

Age of consent goes from 16 to 18 in the US. When he says he isn’t looking to go to jail, that means he thinks it might be inappropriate what he’s doing. Yet, he goes on to tell her he likes her breasts against his chest. So wrong. There aren’t any details where and when this took place. Not a good look for Drake at all though.

Drake got flak recently for texting 14-year-old Millie Bobby Brown of Stranger Things. Brown said they text each other pretty often. She also added:

“We just texted each other the other day and he was like ‘I miss you so much,’ and I was like ‘I miss you more,’ he’s great.”

That’s very weird. What 31-year-old texts 14-year-olds telling them that they miss them?

Then there’s his dating model Bella B Harris.

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last night w this legend💙🤘🏼 #revengetour

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She’s 18, but they met on Drake’s “Summer Sixteen Tour” in 2016, back when she was 16. Then, magically two years later, he’s dating her. Wow, what a coincidence. It’s almost like he was texting her how much he missed her every so often, then showed up in her city when she was 18. Like, hey, what’s up? You’re 18 now, right?

Drake is starting to come off really shady. If he comes out with his own Trapped in the Closet, then you know it’s over.

Jimmy Brooks needs to take a page from R. Kelly’s playbook, and no, not the chapter on peeing on women. He needs to tell fans to come “play house” with him, while a hype man holds an “18 and over” sign like R. Kelly did in concert.

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We Got Her: Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Promising Political Future Cut Short by Revelation She Once Danced While in College

If you don’t follow politics, one of the biggest stories of the moment is the ascent of barista Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to become the youngest woman to ever serve in the U.S. House of Representatives. A Bernie Sanders organizer in 2016, Ocasio-Cortez defeated the number three Democrat in the House on a platform of unabashed socialism. This caused the Republicans to immediately starting peeing their pants and corporate Democrats to try and find a way to convince people she won for any reason other than people liked her policies.

Ocasio-Cortez has been in Congress for about a day, but she’s already been the victim of a number of devastatingly effective attacks from the right. I mean, in the way Wile E. Coyote’s products from the Acme Corporation were devastatingly effective in catching the Roadrunner.

The first brain genius to try to bring down Ocasio-Cortez was John Cardillo, a Newsmax and Rebel TV host who slammed her for having the temerity to want to help poor people despite having grown up in this palatial 1500 square foot mansion.

He also got the college she went to wrong, but remember it was Boston University, it’ll be important later. By the way, this tweet became a pretty funny meme for a minute.

The next batter was Eddie Scarry who decided to go down swinging away with “She claims to be poor but can afford clothing. Clearly she’s a communist spy.”

That’s also kind of a creepy picture. Why are you posting pictures of a congresswoman’s ass, bro? He got so blown out that he deleted the tweet.

Which brings us to today. One of those QAnon morons who thinks there’s a child prostitution ring for the rich and powerful and Donald Trump was elected president to secretly bring it down posted a clip from this video that Ocasio-Cortez appeared in as a college junior to promote Boston University.

Yes, it’s a parody of the dance montage from The Breakfast Club and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez does Ally Sheedy’s dance. Would the revelation that the sort of 29-year-old who gets elected to Congress might be a dork finally be enough to bring down this communist menace? Let’s check the scoreboard.

Yup, owned so hard he deleted his account. I’m not even sure what this guy thought he was going to accomplish here. Did he think that we live in the town from Footloose?

I’m sure these attacks are going to continue until she’s Speaker of the House or President or something. “Ocasio-Cortez pretends to be from a humble background, but we found out that she had both Pokemon Gold AND Pokemon Silver when she was 10. Clearly another one of those champagne socialists who will decide racism and homophobia are good when she finally gets out into the real world!”

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Never Knew Katharine McPhee Had a Bikini Body Like This

Katharine McPhee, remember her? She came out of the American Idol days back when it was still popular and still relevant. Do the names Maddie Poppe or Caleb Lee Hutchinson ring a bell? The answer, for me at least, is no and hell no. They were in season 16 of American Idol. Poppe won the show. She also wins the title: “Who the hell cares.”

McPhee, though, has done well for herself. She was the runner up on the fifth (!) season of the show. Now McPhee, 34, is engaged to David Foster, 69. And you thought true love was dead! I call the people 35 years older than me ‘mom’ and ‘dad’. Ironically, this is what McPhee calls Foster. Daddy. She probably pouts and puts her index finger to her lips while she calls him that too.

Foster is a Grammy-award winning Broadway producer. I read on some rumor site that McPhee was using Foster so she could get into more Broadway shows. It makes sense. What else is a 34-year-old reality show, singing competition runner-up to do? Maybe pimp herself out as a high-class escort? Side note and totally unrelated: What is Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls up to these days? Hmm…

Oh right, Katharine McPhee’s bikini body. That’s what you’re here for. I will not disappoint.

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mele kalikimaka is hawaii’s way… 💋🌼

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Foster has good taste. He’s probably trying to scribble out play about some singing cats just so McPhee will stick around.

It’s also not the first time McPhee’s put up bikini pics. She threw up one back in July.

She’s not in a bikini in this one, but hot as hell.

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country album drops this week. 🍂

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Now, go out there and go marry yourself some rich Broadway hotshot.

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Buying a Monkey, Not Beating the Shit Out of Women, The Thing That Could Land Chris Brown in Jail

I always knew I’d be writing a story about Chris Brown going to jail, but I always thought it would be, you know, because he beat the shit out of a woman. It turns out, however, that if you’re a famous rapper no one really cares if you beat up your girlfriend, but you can still get in trouble for owning a monkey.

Yes, Chris Brown has apparently never seen Friends because just like Ross Gellar he bought a capuchin monkey as a pet, something you need a permit for. Of course, he thinks he’s above the law, if no one cared when he beat his girlfriend’s ass bloody and then got her swollen face tattooed on his neck, how is anyone going to come for him over improper monkey licensing?

According to TMZ, the LA City Attorney, that’s who. They really have their priorities straight over there.

Anyway, Chris Brown will now have his day in court on February 6th and he could go to jail for six months over this. This is kind of like busting Capone for not paying his taxes and not, you know, all the murder, but a win is a win.

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Kevin Spacey Charged With Sexual Assault, Channels Frank Underwood?

Kevin Spacey is now choosing to live life as Frank Underwood to deal with sexual assault charges. Please respect his privacy.

On Monday, news of Kevin Spacey being charged with indecent assault and battery from an incident stemming from a 2016 encounter with a teen at a Nantucket bar began making headlines.

Last year, Boston TV news anchor Heather Unruh shared her son’s story about how Kevin Spacey bought her then 18-year-old son “drink after drink after drink” before sticking his hand down his pants and grabbing his dick. A stranger then came up to him and told him to run. Which he did.

“My son was a starstruck, straight 18-year-old young man who had no idea that the famous actor was an alleged sexual predator or that he was about to become his next victim,” she said at the time. “When my son was drunk, Spacey made his move and sexually assaulted him.”

At around the same time news was breaking that Spacey was to be arraigned on January 7 for those sexual assault charges, Spacey released a video on his official Twitter where he pretended to be Frank Underwood from House of Cards. And it was a little weird because I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a promo for the show or if he’s having a mental breakdown and addressing his sexual assault charges in the third person. Is he playing a long game to set up a defense that it wasn’t him who assaulted that kid, but Frank Underwood? Is he actually a perverted genius? Honestly, seems like a risky play. Let’s see how it works out.

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‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ Reboot Won’t Star Johnny Depp

Disney has officially confirmed that they’re moving forward on a new Pirates of the Caribbean movie without Johnny Depp as Captain Jack Sparrow, the only part of those movies that was at all memorable to anyone. Seriously, what happened in those movies that didn’t involve Johnny Depp? Could you think of a single thing without looking it up? I didn’t think so.

Disney’s president of production Sean Bailey confirmed that the plan is to make a new movie without Depp in an interview with The Hollywood Reporter.

You’ve hired Deadpool scribes Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick to work on a possible Pirates of the Caribbean reboot. Can Pirates survive without Johnny Depp?

We want to bring in a new energy and vitality. I love the [Pirates] movies, but part of the reason Paul and Rhett are so interesting is that we want to give it a kick in the pants. And that’s what I’ve tasked them with.

To be fair, they could make basically any pirate movie and call it Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s based on a boat ride where some drunk pirates chase women around. All they have to do to succeed here is not try to recreate Johnny Depp’s character and focus on making a good movie that people want to see. But this is Disney we’re talking about so I give them about 50-50 odds here.

This seems to be related to the declining profits on the last Pirates and not based on the eight people declared Depp cancelled after his acrimonious divorce with Amber Heard during which they both accused the other of being abusive. The accusations haven’t hurt Depp’s career, as he just appeared in Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald and has half a dozen other movies in production or pre-production.

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Russia Rolled out a ‘High-Tech Robot’ That Turned Out to Be a Guy in a Rented Costume

There was a skit on That Mitchell and Webb Sound in which a robot called Demetrius turns out to be a guy in a robot suit clumsily hitting on David Mitchell’s girlfriend. It’s one of my favorite sketches because of how absurd it was, both in that someone in a costume talking with a robot voice would be seriously believed to be a robot and the fact that it had gone on undetected for years until Mitchell got into a scrap with it.

Turns out that it isn’t so absurd because that exact thing just happened in Russia, where Russian state TV highlighted a robot called Boris that turned out to be a guy in a robot costume.

Yeah, in that video clip you can see Boris dance and talk, which is easy because Boris is a guy in a costume.

Matt Groening was also a fan of this joke, doing it in both The Simpsons, where Homer pretends to be a robot to complete in a robot fighting competition and on Futurama, where Fry and Leela disguise themselves as robots to make a delivery to a robot planet that kills humans on sight.

I never thought I’d be talking about a sketch written by Vladimir Putin in the same breath as Mitchell and Webb and Matt Groening, but here we are. According to The Guardian, the robotics expo Boris was presented at didn’t give the impression Boris was an actual robot, but state TV did.

The organisers of the Proyektoria technology forum, held each year for the “future intellectual leaders of Russia”, did not try to pass off the robot as real, the website reported.

But whether by mistake or design, the state television footage did just that. “It’s entirely possible one of these [students] could dedicate himself to robotics,” an anchor reported. “Especially as at the forum they have the opportunity to look at the most modern robots.”

I mean, this is heartbreaking. Next thing you know we’re going to find out C-3PO and R2-D2 were just guys in suits, too. And that Lost in Space robot everyone’s horny aunt was all lubed up for on Facebook better be real, too.

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Steph Curry Says He Believes the Moon Landing Was a Hoax

Steph Curry went on the Winning It podcast, hosted by Vince Carter, Kent Bazemore and Annie Finberg and said he thinks we faked the moon landing. According to The New York Times, Curry brought up the topic, and everyone on the show agreed the moon landing was a hoax.

“We ever been to the moon?” he asked.

The others, in unison, agreed that the answer was no.

“They’re going to come get us,” Curry replied. “Sorry, I don’t want to start conspiracies.”

Finberg expressed some skepticism, asking Curry to clarify, and he said he did not believe the United States had landed on the moon, leading to a short discussion of some of the more popular conspiracy theories, including one asserting that the film director Stanley Kubrick had staged the entire thing.

The faking of the moon landing is one of the more believable conspiracy theories. While a lot of NBA players apparently believe the Earth is flat, anyone who ties a camera and a GPS to a helium balloon can see pictures of the curvature of the Earth.

The moon landing, however, is a little trickier. Like a dystopian science fiction novel, we can’t actually replicate the technology we used to get to the moon today; another manned lunar mission would essentially require rebuilding the Apollo project from the drawing board. The Van Allen radiation belt also provides a challenge, one that was mostly overcome by good navigation. But the combination of the difficulty of a moon landing and our current inability to reproduce it makes the conspiracy that we never landed on the moon more appealing.

But there’s actual physical proof we landed on the moon. We can’t see the flags or the lunar landers from Earth, but there is a way to prove that man-made objects exist on the moon. The Apollo 11 astronauts set up a retroreflector on the surface of the moon which will reflect any light that hits it back in the direction it originated in. You can actually shoot a laser beam at the moon and have i bounce back. This not only shows that the Apollo astronauts landed on the moon, but since the speed of light is constant, by measuring the time it takes for the laser to return to Earth from the moon, we can calculate the exact distance of the moon from the Earth. That distance isn’t constant, though, and varies from 225,623 miles to 252,088 miles away, though it gets a little farther away (about an inch and a half) every year. Which we know because we can measure it, thanks to the Apollo astronauts.

Of course, there’s speculation Curry actually knows this, and in addition to NASA inviting Curry to see proof of the moon landing, Houston Rockets GM tweaked Curry over the statement on Twitter.

When you put it like that, it seems highly unlikely the moon landing even could have been faked, logistically. This is where most conspiracy theories fall apart; they rely on the silence of too many people to ever be true.

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Kevin Hart Steps Down From Oscar Gig Over Homophobic Tweets

After a longer-than-usual search the Academy finally found an inoffensive, charming but not really edgy comic to host the upcoming Oscar ceremony, and Kevin Hart lasted almost two days before being forced to step down as host for homophobic tweets he made almost a decade ago.

Hart posted a video on Instagram explaining why he chose not to apologize for the tweets that basically said it was because he already apologized for them and he’s not going to keep doing it his whole life, which is… fair, I think.

Via Variety:

“I chose to pass on the apology,” the 39-year-old actor-comedian said in the video. “The reason why I passed is because I’ve addressed this several times. This is not the first time this has come up. I’ve addressed it. I’ve spoken on it. I’ve said where the rights and wrongs were. I’ve said who I am now versus who I was then. I’ve done it. I’m not going to continue to go back and tap into the days of old when I’ve moved on and I’m in a completely different place in my life.”

I think Hart handled it in a mature way and the situation isn’t all that different from what happened to James Gunn, aside from the fact that people angry about Hart were acting in good faith and not looking for any excuse to get him fired because he said something mean about their imaginary daddy.

Hart later announced he was stepping down as the host of the Oscars on Twitter and offered an apology for his old Tweets.

Now the Academy has to find a new host, something that won’t be easy. Who is okay with having the world know they were lower on the call sheet than Kevin Hart? And who wants to take a job the last guy left because he made unwoke tweets a decade ago? They’re going to end up with one of the Real Housewives at this rate. Wait, isn’t Kevin Hart one of the Real Housewives? Oh shit, they better call Honey Boo-Boo.

The way I see it, the Academy has two choices for a host. The first is they can get someone so edgy that people will have trouble digging up something they said that isn’t offensive. Someone like Sarah Silverman or Jim Jefferies or Ricky Gervais who would never in a million years be considered under normal circumstances and just stand behind them no matter who calls for their head. They kind of tried this with Seth MacFarlane, but that’s only going like, 50% of where they need to go now. The other way to is just get a major star no one ever thought would take the job like a George Clooney or a reanimated Dean Martin. No one is going to think George Clooney was a second choice to host anything.

But they’re probably going to get Hannah Gadsby, the completely unfunny “comedian” behind Nanette. Because nothing says “fresh new perspective” than a fat, angry, lesbian feminist who hates men. She’s like the antagonist in an episode of Married… With Children. When the first adjective used to describe someone’s comedy special is “important” and “funny” doesn’t make the cut, that’s the kind of person the Oscars wants as a host.

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Gwyneth Paltrow Says She Made Yoga Popular

I should add “Offical Gwyneth Paltrow and GOOP Commentator” to my list of titles and applicable skills. If anyone else is looking to pay someone who can relentlessly mock the pretentious Gwyneth Paltrow and her unctuous brand, GOOP, feel free to get in touch. I have plenty of experience in this area.

This week in Gwyneth Paltrow news, Gwyneth now deems herself the reason for yoga’s existence in the Western world. Here what she had to say in her interview with WSJ Magazine:

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@costapalmas 🤸🏼‍♂️

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“I remember when I started doing yoga, and people were like, ‘What is yoga? She’s a witch. She’s a freak.’ ’’

Really, Gwyneth? People thought you were a witch? I call bullshit. Lady, you were doing a bunch of fancy stretching. There’s literally nothing witchy about doing exercise. Unless the yoga classes you were attending involved performing a ceremonial war dance and ritualistic goat sacrifice to Satan. Then I could see where people might think you were a freak (well, a different kind of freak then you are now.).

And the interview only gets more appalling.

“Forgive me if this comes out wrong, I went to do a yoga class in L.A. recently, and the 22-year-old girl behind the counter was like, ‘Have you ever done yoga before?’ And literally I turned to my friend, and I was like, ‘You have this job because I’ve done yoga before.’ ”

I had to go vomit up my lunch when I read this. What a massive fucking twat. No, Gwyneth, I don’t think this came out wrong at all. I think it reflects exactly the type of person you are: a puffed up, narcissistic, egotistical asshole.

I can only feel sorry for that poor girl at the yoga studio whom you smugly insulted for the offense of doing her damn job. All exercise studios ask new people whether they’ve done for this before. They’re supposed to do that. And not just so they can be helpful to the newbies, but also for liability purposes. So, what, were you offended that this girl didn’t fall to her knees in awe of you to thank you for providing her with a job as the inventor of  yoga?

You didn’t start the yoga trend in the west, Gwyneth. A man named Swami Vivekananda got ahead of you and introduced yoga to the U.S. in the late 1800s. True, it didn’t take off right away, but yoga definitely gained traction and attention in the 1960s. You were born in fucking 1972. I find it hard to believe that you managed to start yoga as a pre-fetus, you self-absorbed taint.

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Ennio Morricone Claims Playboy Germany Made up an Interview Where He Bashes Quentin Tarantino

Ennio Morricone is a legendary composer who has provided the soundtrack to hundreds of films, most notably the Sergio Leone-directed Dollars Trilogy (A Fistful of Dollars, For a Few Dollars More and The Good, The Bad and The Ugly), the seminal Clint Eastwood Western series. Even if you’ve never seen these films, you’re probably familiar with the soundtrack, especially the iconic theme to The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

More recently, Morricone worked with Quentin Tarantino to provide the score for The Hateful Eight, which netted the composer his first Oscar win, though he had previously been given an Honorary Academy Award Oscar. He also won a Golden Globe and a BAFTA for his work on the film. Tarantino was also with Morricone when he recieved his star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.

So it was kind of surprising when Morricone gave a scathing interview to Playboy Germany about Tarantino. In it, he calls Tarantino a “cretin” and says he steals his work from better directors, and calls his work “trash.” It’s rough. And according to Morricone, it’s made up.

Morricone gave this statement to The Hollywood Reporter:

It has come to my attention that Playboy Germany has come out with an article in which I have stated extremely negative comments about Tarantino and his films, and the Academy. I have never expressed any negative statements about the Academy, Quentin, or his films — and certainly do not consider his films garbage. I have given a mandate to my lawyer in Italy to take civil and penal action.

I consider Tarantino a great director. I am very fond of my collaboration with him and the relationship we have developed during the time we have spent together. He is courageous and has an enormous personality. I credit our collaboration responsible for getting me an Oscar, which is for sure one of the greatest acknowledgments of my career, and I am forever grateful for the opportunity to compose music for his film.

In London, during a press conference in front of Tarantino, I clearly stated that I consider Quentin one of the greatest directors of this time, and I would never speak poorly of the Academy – an important institution that has given to me two of the most important acknowledgments of my career.

That is a strong denial, and it’s certainly not the first time a magazine has been accused of making up an outrageous interview. 

But Playboy Germany is standing by the interview, insisting that Morricone did indeed give the interview and that the statements it reported were true.

“We are surprised that composer Ennio Morricone denies giving an interview to German Playboy,” the company said. “In fact, the conversation took place on June 30, 2018, at his estate in Rome. The interview, about the concert organizer Semmel Concerts, which was also present at the interview, had been agreed to with German Playboy. We also cannot understand that parts of the published statements were apparently not found to have been accurate.”

I don’t know who’s telling the truth here. Do we believe the award-winning and beloved composer who is 90 years old and has nothing to lose by speaking his mind or the German pornographer? I just don’t know. Of course, I wouldn’t be afraid to set my drink on a glass table in Morricone’s house, I can’t say the same thing about the Playboy Germany offices.

The post Ennio Morricone Claims Playboy Germany Made up an Interview Where He Bashes Quentin Tarantino appeared first on The Blemish.

To Compete With United, Delta Is Just Covering Passengers in Shit on Flights

There’s pretty much no end to the indignities suffered by airplane passengers these days. If security guards aren’t dragging you off of the flight that you paid to be on because they oversold it, they’re stuffing your pets into overhead bins and killing them. And that’s just United.

It turns out Delta wants in on the act of shitting all over passengers, and as USA Today reports, they’ve kicked it off by literally shitting all over a passenger.

Bay City resident Matthew Meehan had already sat down on his flight from Atlanta to Miami on Nov. 1 when he realized that feces was all over his seat and the surrounding floor, he told news outlets.

“I was literally in it,” he said.

How big of a mess was this plane that someone could sit down without realizing their seat was covered in shit? I’ve missed a lot things in my life, mostly when someone is flirting with me, but I’ve never sat down and thought “Hey, wait a second, is this seat covered in shit?

Here’s where the story takes a turn. The flight crew didn’t care that a passenger was covered in shit on their airplane.

Meehan said he asked flight attendants for help cleaning up, but they only provided two paper towels and a small bottle of Bombay Sapphire gin.

He cleaned himself and the seat as best he could. When he spoke to a manager, he said, she was dismissive and asked what his problem was.

There’s really only one correct answer when you’re covered in shit and one the people responsible asks you what your problem is. “You’re right, I’m sorry for getting so worked up. Here, let me give you a make-up hug to show there’s no hard feelings.”

He and his fellow passengers laid a blanket down on their seats for the remainder of the flight. Upon arrival, the aircraft was taken out of service to be cleaned and disinfected.

According to Delta, an ill service animal was aboard the previous flight. Meehan was offered a full refund and additional compensation.

I would rather fly Bob Denver Air than with any major airline at this point, honestly.

#Share #Delta #FecesI’m covered in FECES from the person that sat in the airplane seat before me. It’s on my legs,…

Posted by Matthew Meehan on Thursday, November 1, 2018

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This Guy Suing to Change His Age from 69 to 49 to Get More Tinder Matches

A self-proclaimed Dutch “motivational guru” named Emile Ratelband has launched a lawsuit in the Netherlands demanding to have his legal age changed from 69 to 49-years-old.

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Ha! I'm slow…I actually didn't think this was real when I saw someone share it on Twitter. I *must done fell* and forgot what generation I'm in. OF COURSE this is a real story! 🤦 BTW: For those not from the South *Must done fell* = must have fallen. You're welcome. Excerpt and link below. : : "A pensioner has begun a legal battle to be recognised as being 20 years younger than his actual age so he can go back to work and achieve greater success with women on Tinder. "Emile Ratelband, 69, argues that if transgender people are allowed to change sex, he should be allowed to change his date of birth because doctors said he has the body of a 45-year-old. The entrepreneur and self-help guru is suing his local authority after they refused the amend his age on official documents. "Mr Ratelband's case has now gone to a court in the city of Arnhmen in the eastern Dutch province of Gelderland. "The case has caused controversy in his homeland, with the Dutch edition of Vice, a news website, asking, "Is Emile Ratelband disturbed or accidentally extremely woke?"" More at: https://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2018/11/07/dutch-man-69-identifies-20-years-younger-launches-legal-battle/ #emileratelband #ageaintnothingbutaFACT #reprobates

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I had to verify that this was a real story and not some satirical piece in the vein of The Onion. But no, it is indeed an authentic case in the Netherlands. Emile Raetlband is indeed in earnest about having his birthdate legally changed. His reasoning? He’ll get way more Tinder action if women think he’s 49. Raetlband says here:

“When I’m on Tinder and it says I’m 69, I don’t get an answer. When I’m 49, with the face I have, I will be in a luxurious position.”

I’m going to assume that Raetlband has never considered trying an over-50 dating site such as OurTime or SilverSingles.

And yes, he’ll be in a prime position with the ladies, alright. If these women are not significantly visually impaired, they are going to figure out this guy is a liar if they meet him in person. More likely, they’ll be running for the hills once they get a whiff of this guy’s oh-so-modest and charming personality. Especially when they find out that he once praised Osama bin Laden and the 9/11 attacks.

Raetlband has obnoxiously tried to compare himself with the transgender community claiming that he “doesn’t feel his age” and that his doctor has told him that he has “the body of a 45-year-old.” Raetlband has continued to describe himself as “a young god.”

I don’t know who this guy’s doctor is, but I’m guessing it’s the same one who said that Donald Trump would be “the healthiest president individual elected to the presidency.”

Raetlband’s case will be decided in four weeks’ time. I hope he’s banned from dating sites as punishment for wasting the court’s time. At the very least, publicize him far and wide as a warning to women everywhere.

The post This Guy Suing to Change His Age from 69 to 49 to Get More Tinder Matches appeared first on The Blemish.

See the Model G-Eazy Is Rebounding With, Much to Halsey’s Dismay

Now that G-Eazy and Halsey have split up, he’s doing what anyone else would do in his position and hitting the town with a gorgeous blonde model named Caroline Lowe. TMZ spotted the duo Monday at a Lakers’ game, even though she later claimed the two are just friends despite how close they were getting.  You know, like he was just friends with Demi Lovato last time he broke up with Halsey.

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raw w/ @ryanmichaelkelly 🌚…& yes I have a #cattat

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Top of the mornin to ya! Time to start my day 😴☕

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I would hate to be in her friend zone, there are so many better zones.

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cheeky cheeky w @derekkettela 🥀

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🦋

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@nicksuarezphoto @brianadchapman

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The black and white makes it classy, so wear a bow tie while you’re bookmarking these pictures for later.

Halsey wasn’t too happy to learn her ex was getting back into the dating pool, though, according to HollywoodLife.

Halsey does not want G-Eazy back, but the pictures of him getting all handsy with that model still hurt,” a friend of Halsey’s EXCLUSIVELY tells HollywoodLife. “It is heartbreaking to her and not something she wants to see. She can’t believe he’s moving on so quickly and it makes her feel like what they had meant little to him.”

I’m sure G-Eazy is super broken up about his ex being unhappy. Remember, when you get dumped by a girl who tells everyone you have a small dick, consider her feelings before you go out on the town with a way more attractive woman.

The post See the Model G-Eazy Is Rebounding With, Much to Halsey’s Dismay appeared first on The Blemish.

See Hilary Duff’s Adorable New Baby

Hilary Duff had a baby and it’s super cute. Which is good, you don’t want minor celebrities to have ugly babies. But Duff’s baby is adorable and makes your baby look like a jerk. I’m not trying to be mean here, it’s just the truth.

It’s not really a surprise, the Lizzie McGuire star we all had a crush at one point if we’re being honest with ourselves has been posting pregnancy selfies to Instagram for what seems like at least eight months now.

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@gabejohns pow pow pow pow pow

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I feel like boxing is maybe not the best activity for pregnant women but I guess it beats working out on the falling-down-the-stairs-master.

Duff and her partner Matthew Koma named their daughter Banks Violet Bair, which is probably better than something like North Duff, that wouldn’t make any sense. Me, I’d have talked her into Surly Duff. Because 20 year old Simpsons references make the best baby names.

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