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Jeffrey Epstein Associate Ghislaine Maxwell Arrested; ‘Suicide’ Scheduled For Late Next Week

It’s a bad day to be a rich and powerful pedophile. After child trafficker Jeffrey Epstein “killed himself” a lot of people probably thought they were safe from prosecution but then Ghislaine (Pronounced Gee-Lane) Maxwell, his girlfriend/gal Friday/alleged recruiter got arrested.

There’s going to be a press conference on Tuesday to announce exactly what she was arrested for, but as you can imagine, it’s not going to be good, she’s accused of being a child sex trafficker.

Now, I want to show you what I mean when I say that Epstein and Maxwell were connected to rich and powerful people before they both killed themselves in prison in ways no one could have possibly stopped.

So here is a tweet showing them with US President Donald Trump.

And here she is with former US President Bill Clinton.

And just for fun, Elon Musk.

Ever wonder why Elon was pouring so much money into getting to Mars? Kidding, we all know he just wants to be king of the Martian slaves.

So here’s the thing; provided Ghislaine Maxwell doesn’t commit suicide by shooting herself hundreds of times with a dozen different guns while in a maximum-security federal facility, she’s probably going to turn state’s evidence and start naming names, and you’re going to know 80-90% of those names.

See, the way Epstein kept himself safe was by surrounding himself with rich and powerful people, many of whom were his clients. And it worked pretty well, too; when he was in prison the first time he got “work release” to go to his house during the day, he basically only had to sleep at the prison. You try and get that deal in jail.

Epstein had a lot of connections to a lot of people, not all of whom were involved in his child sex trafficking ring. And Maxwell is going to sell the ones who were out to save her skin, you can be sure of that.

The post Jeffrey Epstein Associate Ghislaine Maxwell Arrested; ‘Suicide’ Scheduled For Late Next Week appeared first on The Blemish.

‘Mythbusters’ Star Adam Savage Being Sued by Sister For Alleged Childhood Sexual Assault

Reports about sexual assault can get really complicated. For example, The New York Post reported that Mythbusters Star Adam Savage is being sued by his sister for childhood sexual assault that allegedly occurred over a three-year period starting when she was seven and he was nine.

“Beginning in or about 1976 and continuing until approximately 1979, Adam Savage, would repeatedly rape Miranda Pacchiana and force oral sex upon her, and forced Miranda to perform oral sex on him, along with other forms of sexual abuse,” says her lawsuit, filed in Westchester Supreme Court.

The suit says Savage, who was between 9 and 12 years old at the time, would prevent Pacchiana from leaving the bed and anally rape her.

He allegedly nicknamed himself the “raping blob” while masking the abuse as a game, according to the complaint.

Okay, so let’s talk about this. For starters, Savage denies the accusations.

“While I hope that my sister gets the help she needs to find peace, this needs to end. For many years, she has relentlessly and falsely attacked me and other members of my family to anyone who will listen,” Savage said. “By spreading numerous untrue stories about us in pursuit of a financial bonanza, she has tortured our entire family and estranged herself from all of us. I will fight this groundless and offensive lawsuit and work to put this to rest once and for all.”

Their mother also says the allegations are untrue, saying her daughter has “severe mental health problems.”

So what does this case mean? Well, first of all, even if the allegations are true, I think you will be hard-pressed to find a jury willing to issue monetary damages to someone based on a person’s behavior 40-some years ago when they were nine.

Second, and more importantly, the sort of behavior Savage’s sister alleges is the kind of behavior you can expect from a victim of child sex abuse. Nine-year-olds don’t just rape people because they’re rapists, they’re nine, they don’t understand the morality or consequences of sex, that’s the whole reason we have age of consent laws.

That said, even if it’s true, a lawsuit against your brother who was a child at the time seems like an odd way to resolve the issue. It does make it seem less plausible, no one in the world is going to read this and think it reflects on the person Adam Savage is as an adult if they believe it, which, again… seems unlikely.

The post ‘Mythbusters’ Star Adam Savage Being Sued by Sister For Alleged Childhood Sexual Assault appeared first on The Blemish.

J.K. Rowling is Very Sad Stephen King Isn’t a Transphobe

It is hard out there for J.K. Rowling. A decade ago she was a superstar who could do no wrong; people loved Harry Potter, hadn’t really figured out she was essentially a one-hit-wonder and trans people were generally treated like jokes. Now she has to live in a world where everyone hates her because even the insipid liberals who still compare real-world politics to a 20-year-old children’s book can’t stand how transphobic she is and where most people believe trans people deserve to live with dignity.

The latest example of Rowling’s petty hatred of trans people comes from an interaction she had with fellow (and much better) writer Stephen King on Twitter.

Over the weekend, Rowling went on a rant on Twitter explaining the traumas she experienced in her life means it’s okay for her to be a bigot, and concluded it with a quote from Andrea Dworkin, a writer who laundered right-wing Christian morality with the language of feminism, and Stephen King retweeted it, presumably because he thought it was saying something negative about Donald Trump, which is essentially all that’s on his timeline.

Rowling saw this and raved about what a wonderful person Stephen King is, tweeting “I’ve always revered @StephenKing, but today my love reached — maybe not Annie Wilkes levels — but new heights. It’s so much easier for men to ignore women’s concerns, or to belittle them, but I won’t ever forget the men who stood up when they didn’t need to. Thank you, Stephen.”

And then later she deleted the tweet. Why? What did Stephen King do that Rowling would delete her praise for him and unfollow him? He tweeted those four little words that make every TERF see red.

“Trans women are women.” That’s the thing Stephen King said they sent Rowling over the edge. In case you think there’s something going on with her that isn’t just hatred of trans people.

People like to hide their bigotries behind things that seem more socially acceptable. For example, the Ku Klux Klan used to say they didn’t hate black people, they were only opposed to interracial marriage because it erases the wonderful diversity that the Christian god created. Keep that in mind when Rowling says she supports trans women, just thinks cis women deserve their own private spaces because “bad actors” might take advantage of trans rights to harm women. It’s bullshit, she’s just uncomfortable with trans people and thinks she’s incapable of being a bigot because she voted for agony Blair in the 90s.

The post J.K. Rowling is Very Sad Stephen King Isn’t a Transphobe appeared first on The Blemish.

Dude Suing Twitch Because He Jacked his Dong Into a Lifeless Husk, Blames Twitch Thots

I find the idea of masturbating to a Twitch streamer very embarrassing. Actual porn is right there and none of those titty streamers are hotter playing Grand Theft Auto than basically any naked person.

Far from being embarrassed, Erik Estavillo has admitted in court that he was so enthralled by the sirens on Twitch that he has absolutely ruined his dick jerking off to them.

Gaming website Dexerto reports that the plaintiff claims to be a sex addict and that Twitch was preying on him. They also reported he was subscribed to over 700 female streams and 0 males.

“Twitch has extremely exacerbated his condition by displaying many sexually suggestive women streamers through Twitch’s twisted programming net code,” the complaint states, “making it nearly impossible for the plaintiff to use Twitch without being exposed to such sexual content.”

The reason he’s having such a problem is he can’t sort streamers by gender, causing him to be bombarded by sexy streaming starlets. But you’d think that in his time on the site that he’d have stumbled across a single male streamer he could watch playing a game to give his bruised and battered meat a rest.

Our friend is no stranger to suing tech companies, and Engaget reported on some of his lawsuits against Microsoft, Sony, Nintendo and Activision Blizzard for various perceived slights in 2009.

I kind of like those lawsuits, though, the way you can be banned from online services and lose access to the content you’ve purchased. We’ve given up a lot of our rights as consumers to have the convenience of digital sales.

Still, our friend said his lawsuit against World of Warcraft was his last lawsuit and now he’s suing Twitch over his gnarled cock.

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We Can’t Keep Making Media Disappear When the Political Winds Change

In the early days of television, there were no efforts being made to preserve the media of the day. A lack of forethought means that early episodes of shows like Doctor Who and Dark Shadows are gone forever because people could imagine there was any value in keeping them, leading the companies that own them to spend large amounts of money searching for and even recreating the episodes for fans who want a complete collection.

In the past few years, the opposite problem has arisen; episodes of TV shows are being disappeared intentionally to appease a small number of people complaining about them or in some cases no one at all.

There’s probably some incident of this happening earlier, but the most high-profile example I can find is the producers of The Simpsons pulled the episode Stark Raving Dad featuring guest star Michael Jackson from being shown or sold or even appearing on future DVD and Blu Ray reprints after activists wanted all of Michael Jackson’s work removed from existence after a documentary about the child abuse allegations against him.

Okay, that’s a lie. The actual oldest example I can think of is the Super Best Friends episode of South Park, which features Muhammad along with other religious leaders, as well as its 2-part sequel 200 and 201. This was obviously done because religious extremists threatened Comedy Central with violence because of the depiction of Muhammad in the episodes, but they were all available on the DVDs and Blu Rays of the show, although 201 was heavily censored, as it was on its network airing.

It’s important to keep that in mind, that when you decide you’re going to make media you don’t like for whatever reason disappear that your “side” won’t always be the side making the decision on what stays and what goes.

Something that’s being lost in the rush to erase anything that might be seen as offensive is that not all fictional depictions of racism are racist themselves. For example, some British streaming services removed both Little Britain and an episode of Fawlty Towers for having racist content. The difference between the two shows is that while Little Britain is just white guys doing brownface, the racism in Fawlty Towers is, in context, shown to be inappropriate. It comes out of the mouth of a senile idiot. It’s no more accurate to say that Fawlty Towers is racist for this scene that it is to say Roots is racist for depicting slavery. Once we decide context doesn’t matter that’s where we are.

Most recently, Tina Fey asked for four episodes of 30 Rock to be removed from streaming and digital sales because they depict characters in blackface. The problem is again that no one intelligent ever saw those episodes in context and said “Oh, this is being racist.” For example, Jon Hamm’s blackface scene, a parody of Amos and Andy was about the way blackface was used to have white actors degrade black people and it’s hilarious to watch Tracy Morgan react to it the way any normal, decent person would. Context is important.

But perhaps the main problem is that these shows aren’t going to disappear anyway. We’re still going to find them if we want to, watch them if we want to and that’s not going to change. If anything, you’re just drawing more attention to them.

People have spent decades looking for lost Doctor Who episodes, to the point where the BBC animated them using cleaned up home recordings of the audio. You don’t think people will spend the five minutes tops it takes to find pirated copies of these episodes of 30 Rock.

The post We Can’t Keep Making Media Disappear When the Political Winds Change appeared first on The Blemish.

HBO Made ‘Watchmen’ Free This Weekend, But it Was Still Terrible

In the middle of the ongoing protests sparked by the death of George Floyd and because Friday was Juneteenth, a celebration of the end of slavery in the United States following the Civil War, HBO decided to let fans watch the Watchmen TV series for free this weekend as “an extension of the network’s content offering highlighting Black experiences, voices, and storytellers.” Which is weird because it was written by a white guy and the central messages of the show are that fighting against your oppressors makes you just as bad as they are and not all cops are bad guys.

Critic Leslie Lee III has already covered how the series drops the ball on racism, the main thing that the series has been frustratingly praised for, and if you’re not following Leslie’s work you should be. What I want to talk about is how the series also fails as a sequel to Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ groundbreaking Watchmen comic by not really showing an understanding of the plot or characters of that book.

There are some things the show got right about the comic, and the clearest one is that Rorschach sending his journal to The New Frontiersman would not have actually exposed that Adrian Veidt faked the alien attack on New York. One of the least subtle real world references in Watchmen was The New Frontiersman, a far-right tabloid owned by The Newspaper Corporation. While Fox News didn’t exist and Americans may have missed the reference at the time, Rupert Murdoch had already founded News Corp, the entity that published his British right-wing tabloids years before Watchmen was published. Imagine Alex Jones citing the journal of a known mentally ill vigilante to claim 9-11 was an inside job and you’ll see why no one believes Squid day was faked. Good job on understanding one thing Alan Moore was trying to say, guys.

One of the themes of Watchmen is that superheroes are fascists. Now, in the real world, superheroes were mostly anti-fascist propaganda during WWII but had they actually been real, masked operatives who operate outside the law and without oversight they would invariably uphold white supremacy and when they didn’t, they’d be made illegal. There is a reason that a paper shown being read by Hitler was so enthusiastic about superheroes; Watchmen doesn’t have a Chekhov’s Gun that no one thought to fire.

The most blatant, smack you-in-the-face example of this is Hooded Justice, dressed very much like a stylized Klan member, the most violent vigilante of his day and also a literal Nazi named Rolf Müller. He was the first masked hero and he was there so you’d all realize that maybe all the other heroes were the fruit of a rotten tree. Also, The Comedian implies Müller is sexually aroused by the violence he’s allowed to dish out as Hooded Justice and that seems to resonate with Müller; this is paralleled with Nite Owl II, one of the story’s nominal good guys and heroes along with Silk Spectre II, who can’t get his dick hard enough to have sex until he puts his on Nite Owl costume and goes adventuring again.

In the TV show, however, Hooded Justice is a black man “reclaiming” the iconography of the Ku Klux Klan, who he’s secretly fighting against because they’ve infiltrated the police force he works for. I’ve seen so many critics say how brave and important it is that the first hero was a black man in this world but it overlooks that Hooded Justice was super racist, and not in a fake “racist against white people” way. He explicitly didn’t want to oppose the Nazis during WWII. The TV show’s retcon was awkwardly shoehorned in because he’s the only Minuteman with a somewhat ambiguous identity in the comic and Lindelof had just learned about the Tulsa Race Massacre and thought he could film it to parallel the destruction of Krypton by Brainiac.

I mentioned Nite Owl, and he and Silk Spectre are the closest things Watchmen has to a moral center, which makes it all the more shocking he is not in the show at all. This was done because Lindelof didn’t want to have too many characters from Watchmen in Watchmen because that’s what kind of show this is.

Silk Spectre does appear as a main character and oh boy. While the ending of Watchmen implied that Laurie had started to forgive her father for raping her mother, she was definitely not going to take his name. I have a sneaking suspicion that the actors just didn’t want to pronounce Juspeczyk but if she needed a name to hide her identity she was already going by Sandra Hollis at the end of the comic.

The scene of Laurie pulling out the huge, blue Doctor Manhattan sex toy became somewhat icon and shows Laurie being so obsessed with her ex that her husband made her a dildo to replicate her ex’s giant atomic penis and while she barely mentions Nite Owl she’s seen to be regularly calling for Manhattan on phones set up to reach him.

Doctor Manhattan was a nerdy scientist who received the powers of a god in an atomic accident and his newfound status as the man who lives outside of time and can rewrite reality leads him to leave the love of his life for an underage model being pushed into a lifestyle she doesn’t enjoy who is mostly drawn to him for his power and the fact that her mother hates him. You’re telling that at 70 years old that’s who Laurie considers the love of her life? And that Manhattan changes his mind about leaving the galaxy and instead gives up his godlike powers to be a househusband to a woman in her 30s after sending Adrian Veidt to the new world he built after losing faith in humanity?

Speaking of Veidt, everything that happens in Watchmen is part of his plan to end the Cold War and stop the nuclear destruction of Earth. Parallel to the story of Watchmen is the play within a play Marooned, a classic story from Tales of the Black Freighter, a fictional pirate comic conceived because Moore and Gibbons figured that if superheroes were real, pirate comics would have become the most popular genre. As if that could happen.

The story shows a man’s increasingly desperate attempt to return to his home before The Black Freighter, a ship of the damned he feared would kill his family and entire town if he can’t save them. When he finally makes it home he attacks his wife and it dawns on him that The Black Freighter wasn’t interested in Davidstown, but only wanted to add him to its crew after his corruption. In the denouement, Veidt asks Manhattan if he did the right thing, saying he has nightmares about swimming towards something hideous and is left without an answer.

Veidt believed he was right to kill half of New York City and that in doing so he saved the world, but it weighed on him. Despite being someone who would murder millions, he didn’t do so without the guilt of that action. He’s not the Joker, he’s a hero gone astray because he represents the utilitarian foil to Rorschach’s Steve Ditko-inspired objectivism. Watchmen is the trolley problem with super-heroes and Veidt chooses to pull the lever and change tracks but he desperately wants to know that he made the right choice to a famously unanswerable moral quandary.

Yet the TV show portrays Veidt as a heartless jackass whose entire arc is the result of him trying to cure his boredom after Dr. Manhattan sends him to the paradise he created on Europa because Veidt wanted to be worshipped for saving the world even though he couldn’t tell anyone. Of course, he also recorded a video of himself explaining why he did everything he did to President Robert Redford because the world’s smartest man was being written by idiots here. And Laurie arrests him in the end, letting the audience know he was the bad guy instead of having to contemplate if his actions were justified in the face of planetary annihilation.

Watchmen ultimately feels like an attempt to shoehorn a story into the framework of an existing property, like a bad fan fiction story trying to fit in new characters because you don’t understand the existing ones. And once you consider that the new story it’s trying to tell is the sort of examination of race that largely appeals to people who don’t get why Bradley Whitford telling a black man he’d have voted for Obama a third time in Get Out was a hint he was a creep, you’re left with a train wreck of a story that people tell you is important because they failed to understand the less-than-enlightened view the creators were trying to espouse.

The cinematography was pretty tight, though, gotta give them that.

The post HBO Made ‘Watchmen’ Free This Weekend, But it Was Still Terrible appeared first on The Blemish.

Mama June Claims She Had a $2,500 a Day Meth Habit

Did you know that right now your doctor could write you a prescription for meth as a weight-loss drug? People have been using various types of amphetamines to lose weight for over 100 years.

June Shannon, also known as Mama June from Toddlers and Tiaras and Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, has lost 300 pounds after having gastric sleeve surgery, but it turns out her secret to keeping the weight off was doing a truly massive amount of meth.

Page Six reports that she claims to have been doing $2,500 of meth a day, something I’m not sure is humanly possible. I looked into this, and according to addictioncenter.com, a dose of meth costs about $5. If a human being were to take 500 doses of meth in a day they would die and they would have died way before they got through all their meth.

During a recent episode of “Mama June: Family Crisis,” the 40-year-old reality star admitted during her reunion with daughter Lauryn “Pumpkin” Shannon that she was doing $2,500 worth of the drug per day with boyfriend Eugene Edward “Geno” Doak.

“Because you know, at that point, we was doing quite a bit,” she said. “I mean it was a couple ounces a day. Our habit was $2,500 a day if not more.”

A single dose of crystal meth is 1/4 of a gram, and there are 28 grams in an ounce, which means she would have been taking 100 doses a day and I’m entirely sure that would kill you.

I have to assume that June walking around with an unexploded heart means that’s she’s either a bit of a fabulist or she’s just really bad with math.

The post Mama June Claims She Had a $2,500 a Day Meth Habit appeared first on The Blemish.

Nickelodeon Just Outted Spongebob

It’s Pride Month and that means lots of brands are tweeting about how much they love and support gay people in the markets where that won’t cause them issues with the local governments or popular anti-gay sentiment.

You can basically apply this to every brand. It’s why I like to remind people they’re not making some great moral stand by not eating Chik-Fil-A, whatever company they are eating food from is undoubtedly just as bad and probably treats their employees worse.

One of the more interesting Pride tweets this month was from Nickelodeon, featuring three LGBT characters; Korra from The Legend of Korra, Schwoz Schwartz from Henry Danger and… Spongebob?

Korra made headlines when the ending of the Avatar spin-off confirmed the heroine was both bisexual and embarking on a relationship with her friend Asami. Schwoz Schwartz is played by a transgender actor, Michael D. Cohen. But Spongebob, that’s news to me. I mean, kind of, I’ve seen the show and he’s pretty… flamboyant, it wouldn’t exactly be a surprise.

In fact, fifteen years ago some conservatives got mad at the show and said it was promoting a “gay agenda,” whatever the hell means. I’m pretty sure it involves brunch, but beyond that, I have no idea, they don’t let us bisexuals into the meetings.

At the time of the dust-up, Spongebob’s creator Stephen Hillenburg denied it, because that’s what corporations did in 2005 when someone said they were portraying gay people in a positive light. Hillenburg’s said at the time, “We never intended them to be gay. I consider them to be almost asexual. We’re just trying to be funny and this has got nothing to do with the show.”

Now, when he said that, that popular usage of “asexual” didn’t refer to a sexual orientation defined by the lack of sexual attraction, so what Hillenburg was saying was “it’s a kid’s cartoon, Spongebob isn’t a real person and he’s not going to fuck on the show so who cares?”

This actually means very little to what the show Spongebob Squarepants is like, but it probably meant a lot to some fans of the show. You’re not suddenly going to see Spongebob paint his pineapple in rainbow colors or start dating another male sponge or fish or whatever goes on in Bikini Bottom. Mister Krabs is a crab and his daughter is a sperm whale, so it’s just a free-for-all down there anyway.

Sure, it’s a hollow marketing tactic from an international brand and ViacomCBS doesn’t actually care about LGBT issues or really any cause or concern other than making money for their shareholders, but, I don’t know, letting kids who love Spongebob and maybe feel a little different from their peers feel like their favorite cartoon feels like they do sometimes isn’t a bad thing. Just don’t expect to see that reflected in the product they make the money on, that has to be sold to markets where access is granted by homophobes and they’re not committed enough to be good guys to jeopardize a single cent.

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White Celebrities Are at it Again, New ‘I Take Responsibility’ Video Even Worse Than ‘Imagine’

Please god save me from white celebrities who want everyone to know how not racist they are without them having to do anything that might impact their comfortable lifestyles. You know, the sort of celebrities who were like “Oh, I like Bernie Sanders but socialism will never win in America” and two months later were tweeting “Gee, I sure wish America had a leader like Jacinda Ardern.”

You might remember when white celebrities, from their mansions, sang ‘Imagine’ during the corona lockdown in an attempt to get us to hate them and the song ‘Imagine’ at the same time. Yeah, I thought John Lennon was deep when I was 16, too, but I got over it.

The newest thing that will make your skin crawl is this video full of celebrities begging you to tell them how not racist they are.

First of all, why the fuck was Bryce Dallas Howard explaining away police brutality? I can honestly say I’ve never done that in my entire life.

Look, it’s great that you want to do something, but white people prostrating themselves and then turning around and not addressing the core issues at play here isn’t going to solve anything. Police brutality isn’t caused by that Amos and Andy parody from 30 Rock, it’s a systemic issue that needs to be addressed with serious and wide-ranging reforms.

And look at the self-seriousness here. The black and white, the background music in a minor key… some of these people were on the verge of tears. What does this accomplish?

Next time just have a bake sale and donate the profits to Black Lives Matter like some suburban mom; at least that will provide some sort of material benefit to something.

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Woody Harrelson is the Opposite of Ellen DeGeneres as Social Media Users Share How Nice He Was

Ellen DeGeneres has become one of the most hated people in Hollywood because it came out that all she does is go to sports games with war criminals and that she treats everyone who’s less famous than her like garbage. Her reputation is wrecked to the point that even when she threw her hands up and said “fine, I’ll be less terrible,” the general response was “no.”

It turns out that the anti-Ellen DeGeneres is Woody Harrelson. After some people misidentified a guy who made a racist video as Woody, a thread started much like the one that crushed Ellen’s soul but filled with people talking about what a nice guy Harrelson was when they met him.

First off, here’s the video. Comedian Paul F. Tompkins referred to the man ranting here about how he’d go out murdering people left and right if not for the police as a “Woody Harrelson character” as a joke, but a disturbingly high number of people thought he actually was Woody.

He does look disturbingly like Woody Harrelson, it isn’t. Grant O’Brien from Collegehumor made a post pointing this out and the replies became filled with people saying how awesome Woody was when they met him.

What a nice guy, right? PAs are low on the totem pole and most people (like certain daytime TV hosts) treat them like crap.

It’s like Woody Harrelson isn’t even a real person, just an internet meme about how we wish celebrities acted. Come to think of it, Good Guy Greg is smoking a joint, too.

It is really nice to know Woody is such a nice guy. I read through a lot of comments and not one person had anything bad to say about him that I saw. A lot of people smoked weed with him, though. Let’s all be more like Woody and less like Ellen.

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J.K. Rowling Is More Transphobic Than Ever, Won’t Stop Until She Alienates Last Non-Horrible Fan

Until now, J.K. Rowling has kept her transphobia mostly deniable. We all knew about it, but unlike the dude who wrote Father Ted, Rowling just kind of hinted at it with likes and follows she would deny later. She was a sort of Robert Webb type bigot who all know is a bigot but who has the common sense to shut the fuck up after it became clear his bigotry would hurt him professionally if he kept banging on about it. What is wrong with the British, anyway?

In the middle of a worldwide civil rights protest, the same weekend protestors in Bristol tore down a statue of a slave trader and threw it into the river, Rowling decided to say “fuck it, mask off” and make her most explicitly transphobic social media posts to date.

Now, you might be thinking “well, she’s right, biological sex is real, that’s how we know what she’s talking about,” and you’d largely be right. The subtext, however, is that sometimes things are done in good faith and sometimes in bad faith and I can pretty confidently say that Rowling is not acting in good faith out of concern for the trans community. How do I know this?

And she re-tweeted this.

People who like Harry Potter are bound to be saying that they can’t reconcile this person with the person who wrote the books that taught them to fight for equality and against bigotry, but… did they teach that?

Sure, there were evil wizards who were obsessed with bloodlines and called this less “pure” than they were “mudbloods”, a word very clearly meant to have the connotations of the n-word in an extremely white wizard in society, but do Harry and his friends lead a movement to end the bigotry and other various horrors of the wizarding world?

They really don’t. Much like the establishment center-left political parties Rowling supports, Harry Potter is the story of how people with the power to change things and create a better world learn about the deep injustices of their society and do nothing to change it, instead putting their energy into defeating one bad guy while making no effort to upend the status quo that allowed that bad guy to come to power in the first place.

Everything from the “absolutely-not-Jewish” greedy hook-nosed goblin bankers to the fact that when Harry discovers he’s rich he doesn’t offer to share any of his wealth with the family of his best friend and future wife who struggle and live hand-to-mouth but still take him in and treat him like a member of the family because they’d be embarrassed to Hermoine Granger being treated like an intolerable Lisa Simpson type for opposing literal chattel slavery is proof of a worldview that has no interest in justice but instead with maintaining an oligarchy where you’re one of the influential elites.

That is the real J.K. Rowling, not a champion of a just society but someone who seeks to put a nice face on an unequal status quo who clearly does not believe trans women are “really” women.

The post J.K. Rowling Is More Transphobic Than Ever, Won’t Stop Until She Alienates Last Non-Horrible Fan appeared first on The Blemish.

Alicia Silverstone is Spending Quarantine Bathing With Nine-Year-Old Son

Now, I don’t have any children and I’m not an expert on raising them; I don’t know when they start to talk or walk or stop doing that thing where they demand your attention to tell you long rambling stories that have no conclusion. I am pretty sure, however, that a nine-year-old boy taking baths with his mother is weird.

That is weird, right? Like, not in a sexual way, just in a weird “this kid is probably going to need therapy” kind of way. That was my first thought when I read in Page Six that Alicia Silverstone takes baths with her nine-year-old son.

I’m very sure I was taking baths alone by the time I was nine, and I’m pretty sure much earlier. It’s weird.

Of course, weird is the name of the game with Silverstone and her kid, because remember she fed him like a bird, chewing up his food and spitting it into his mouth, and she doesn’t seem too keen on vaccines. And the kid is vegan.

I’m kind of considering going back to college to become a psychologist because in about ten years someone is going to make a mint fixing all the things that are screwed up about this kid. Assuming that an unvaccinated vegan kid makes it to adulthood.

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‘Batwoman’ Will NOT Recast Ruby Rose, Instead Creating New Protagonist for the Series

After Ruby Rose announced she was leaving Batwoman after one season and the CW announced they’d be recasting the lead, we all assumed that they would be casting an actress to take over as Kate Kane and continue the show as planned. We have word now, however, that the new Batwoman will not Kate Kane and that a new character will be created to take up the mantle of Batwoman.

A leaked casting call posted on Reddit and reported by Decider describes the new Batwoman.

The news began to trickle out thanks to a leaked casting call looking for a character named “Ryan Wilder.” Described as a “female, Mid-late 20s, any ethnicity,” the part that raised fans eyebrows was the following sentence: “Ryan Wilder is about to become Batwoman.”

The description continued that, “She’s likable, messy, a little goofy and untamed. She’s also nothing like Kate Kane, the woman who wore the batsuit before her.” And though casting calls are known to create fake parts for auditions, the “Ryan Wilder” character will in fact be replacing Kate Kane as Batwoman in Season 2; and Kate Kane will not be recast.

It sounds like Berlanti and the CW are taking the opportunity to retool the show which, while it was successful, appears to have underperformed relative to the network’s expectations. “Nothing like Kate Kane” is a big giveaway that they think Rose’s portrayal and the first season’s dark and somewhat depressing tone failed to strike a chord with the audience the same way lighter shows like Flash and Legends of Tomorrow did. Batwoman even felt crushingly grim compared to Arrow, a show whose first season involved protagonist Oliver Queen straight-up murdering the people he decided had failed his city.

But let’s wildly speculate over who “Ryan Wilder” might be. I’m guessing that it’s a placeholder name because I seriously doubt a network DC show is going to be headlined by an original character. Legends of Tomorrow’s Sarah Lance arguably is this, but most of the other Legends have been established DC characters like Firestorm, the Atom and John Constantine and Sarah is essentially an alternate version of the original Black Canary more than a new character.

The problem is there’s only ever been one Batwoman, Katherine Kane. There’s two versions of her, Kathy and Kate, but Batwoman isn’t a legacy character like Flash or Green Lantern where there have been half a dozen people taking the mantle.

There have been quite a few Batgirls, though. Kate Kane’s niece Betty Kane was the first, followed by Commissioner Gordon’s daughter Barbara Gordon, the most famous Batgirl. Cassandra Cain, Harley Quinn’s teen sidekick in Birds of Prey, was also Batgirl for a while, as was Stephanie Brown, who also held the mantle of Batman’s sidekick Robin for a time as well as Robin’s sidekick/love interest The Spoiler.

Stephanie Brown is the character I’m putting my money on. Kate Kane on Batwoman isn’t old enough to have a niece to take over for her while Barbara Gordon and Cassandra Cain are both probably unavailable to the TV division because of films. The casting call’s description of Ryan Wilder fits Brown pretty perfectly and it would be easy to writer her in as a former teen hero who had worked with Batman and is pressed to return to super-heroics with Kate Kane’s departure (or possible death).

Whether or not this pans out, one thing I’m sure of is that Batwoman will have a tone closer to Flash and Supergirl in season 2. I’m not expecting full-on Adam West camp by any means, but I am expecting a Batwoman who is lighter and less serious than Kate Kane was.

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Scott Baio and Wanda Sykes Twitter Fight Had Everyone Watching, But Who Was Right?

I love a good celebrity twitter fight, and nothing gets celebrities on Twitter fighting like politics. So the last time Joe Biden said something dumb and racist, provided he doesn’t do it again before this article gets published, it lead to a lot of great moments.

Conservative celebrities were very ready to pounce on this one, because of course they were, and Scott Baio wanted to get in on that because he’ll do anything to get his name out there since Arrested Development went to hell.

Baio tweeted this a week ago but no one noticed until Wanda Sykes replied. Which is really sad, if you think about it, it’s pretty hard to be less relevant than Wanda Sykes and still qualify as a celebrity.

This raises the question of who is right, though. Obviously most people are going to base that on who they like more, Biden or Trump, but I can’t do that because I hate both of those assholes.

So just looking at them both, I have to go with Chachi. This is not exactly Joe Biden’s first racist faux pas. You might remember he dropped out of his 2008 run for President, when he still knew what day it is, for saying Barack Obama was “the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy.” If this was the only thing Biden had ever done that could be considered racist it would be one thing but the man supported segregated schools in the late 1970s gets visibly angry whenever anyone suggests he may not be as beloved by black voters as he thinks he is.

I mean, you’re certainly allowed to pick and choose what you’re offended by based on how it impacts your agenda but it makes you a hypocrite and the fact Scott Baio has been largely irrelevant since Charles in Charge ended might score you some rhetorical points but it doesn’t make you any less of a hypocrite. That said, I’m sure if Donald Trump said the n-word in the Rose Garden Scott Baio would say Barack Obama was the real racist, but still, no partial credit here.

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Paul Feig is Still Trying to Defend His Terrible ‘Ghostbusters’ Reboot, Blaming Failure on Hillary Clinton’s Unpopularity

It’s been about four years since Paul Feig’s Ghostbusters reboot with the all-female cast came out, and it has not aged well. We have not, in retrospect, decided the movie was a cult classic or an overlooked gem but we have pretty much come to the consensus that it was just a bad movie. It tried to copy what Marvel was doing with their movies and failed at that, but it was never going to capture the charm of the original movie anyway.  There hasn’t been a good Ghostbusters sequel and there never will be.

Paul Feig has not given up on trying to salvage the film’s reputation, which has just served to remind us he made it and squander all the good will we had for him from Freaks and Geeks. Variety reported that his latest attempt was to claim the movie failed because people didn’t like Hillary Clinton and are racist.

“Some really brilliant author or researcher or sociologist needs to write a book about 2016 and how intertwined [our film was] with Hillary [Clinton] and the anti-Hillary movement,” Feig said. “It was just this year where everyone went to a boiling point. I don’t know if it was [having] an African-American president for eight years [that] teed them up or something, but they were just ready to explode… By the time, in 2014 or 2015, when I announced I was going to [make] it, it started.”

“It’s crazy how people got nuts about women trying to be in power or trying to be in positions that they weren’t normally in,” Feig said. “It was an ugly, ugly year.”

Dude, you made a shitty movie and I’m kind of tired of hearing about how everyone who didn’t like it, which was most people because it was a huge flop, is a bad person. Imagine if Rob Schneider said that anyone who didn’t like Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo was a pedophile; we would rightly laugh him out of the room. Yet when Richard Roeper, one of the most well-respected film critics in the business today gave Ghostbusters a bad review, we were basically okay with people who hadn’t yet seen the film calling him a sexist and telling him to die.

I did watch Ghostbusters and it was a bad movie. It wasn’t a bad movie because of Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump or something internet argument in 2014 that some people seem incapable of shutting the fuck up about, it’s bad because it’s poorly written with flat characters, unfunny jokes and poorly-choreographed action sequences. Paul Feig will be happier when he just admits he made a bad movie and stops poking his head up to defend it.

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Director Whose Most Notable Movie is ‘Fantastic Four’ Says Film Criticism Leads to Fascism

Out of all the super-hero movies being cranked out by studios over the past two decades since the success of Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man, and there were a lot, the worst of the lot is clearly 2015’s Fantastic Four. It’s actually one of the worst comic book movies ever, easily beating stinkers like Batman vs Superman or Halle Berry’s Catwoman.

Even the unreleased Roger Corman directed Fantastic Four made with no budget as a ploy to get something into production in order to keep the license on the property from expiring was better. I have seen that movie, it is terrible and still it is only the second-worst Fantastic Four movie I’ve had the displeasure of sitting through. At least it had the decency to keep it to 90 minutes, the 2015 Fantastic Four weighed in at… 100 minutes? How is that even possible? I was sure it was at least two and a half hours. It was so bad that time actually slowed down because that movie felt like it took forever, just an endless epoch of the worst studio storytelling anyone has ever shit out. Before my dad died, we used to watch comic book movies together, it was one of the few things we had in common, and when I see a particularly good one, sometimes it makes me miss him and wish we could have watched it together; after seeing Fantastic Four my first thought was “at least Dad didn’t have to go through that ordeal.”

Josh Trank, the writer and director of this cinematic abortion and basically nothing else of note hopped on Twitter over the long weekend to explain how he believes modern film criticism, particularly listicles ranking sunsets of films from best to worst, turn people who read them into fascists.

“Ranked” lists on movie websites continue to seed young film fans with fascist energy, making them grow up to ridicule art, have unintentionally arbitrary taste patterns and closed minds, while feeding an algorithm that closes doors to anything different or challenging.

I mean, if I had made the movies Josh Trank has made I’d probably tell people that browsing Rotten Tomatoes gives you AIDS. Trank does make challenging films, though; watching one of them challenged me to go an hour and forty minutes without slitting my wrists open in the bathtub like Frank Pentangeli in The Godfather Part II just to make it stop.

I feel like Trank wouldn’t have such an issue with ranked lists of films if he wasn’t at the bottom of so many of them.

And maybe you’re thinking it’s not his fault, that the Fantastic Four is just a bad property; after all, the 2005 movie wasn’t exactly a cinematic masterpiece either. You would be very wrong because Fantastic Four was one of Marvel’s biggest titles for decades, bigger than The Avengers or The Incredible Hulk, only rivaled by Spider-Man and not eclipsed until Christmas Claremont and John Byrne took over The Uncanny X-Men in the late 70s. Stan Lee and Jack Kirby split up the work on a lot of books, working with other writers and artists like Steve Ditko, Stan’s brother Larry and Jim Steranko, but Fantastic Four was the longest collaboration between Kirby and Lee, lasting 102 issues until Kirby left to work at the Distinguished Competition. The title remained popular, eventually being taken over by John Byrne, who left X-Men, by the Marvel’s highest-profile title, because Fantastic Four was still the closest thing Marvel had to a flagship title.

Fox and Sony basically plundered Marvel for the movie rights to all their best properties while the comic publisher was trying to pull itself out of bankruptcy, and the fact that they took Fantastic Four should tell you it was a marketable property. The failure to turn out a watchable film falls on the writer and director of this one. And spinning gold into unwatchable shit like a reverse Rumpelstiltskin is probably doing more damage to the art of film-making than listicles.

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No, Hilary Duff is Not a Sex Trafficker, You Lunatics

I swear to god conspiracy theories used to be fun. I used to be really interested in them; things like Sasquatch, Nessie, black helicopters, the Illuminati, Roswell, faking the moon landing, they were fun. I never really believed them, there can’t be a large unknown creature in Loch Ness and there are provably man-made objects on the moon out there by astronauts, after all. It was always a bit of fun harmless fun to read about them and use them as the basis for a story or a game; that’s how we got Men in Black after all.

The conspiracy theories we have today in 2020, however, are much less fun. Most of them revolve around QAnon, a conspiracy that says Donald Trump is secretly bringing an international pedophile ring to justice.

There is a hint of truth because there are some powerful and famous pedophiles like Jeffrey Epstein, someone with ties to Donald Trump, Bill Clinton and other powerful people. And there have been a number of high-profile Hollywood executives who have abused their positions for sex, like Harvey Weinstein that had influence with politicians.

At the end of the day, however, there isn’t a cabal of pedophiles that every powerful or influential person is involved with, and Donald Trump certainly isn’t secretly bringing them to justice.

The latest permutation of this conspiracy is accusing Hilary Duff, of all people, of being a sex trafficker. The basis for this allegation is she once showed a bunch of pictures of her son and one of them was a baby picture of him without his diaper on. You know, a completely normal and non-sexual thing parents do so they have something to embarrass their kids with when they bring the people they’re dating to meet their parents.

NBC News reporter Ben Collins explained on Twitter that this was trending because people were playing the algorithms Twitter and YouTube use to promote content.

The main reason Duff was trending on Twitter appeared to be people responding to how insane the entire conspiracy is, and Duff herself tweeted about it.

The reason these conspiracies aren’t fun like the old ones were fun, and are, as mentioned by Ben Collins, reminiscent of the Satanic Panic of the 1980s, is that people take them seriously and do stupid things. More than one parent in a custody dispute has used these conspiracy theorists as armed muscle to kidnap their children, among other incidents.

I miss the days of David Icke, when people would be claiming Hilary Duff was a lizard person from another dimension. That was some conspiracy theorizing we could all have a good laugh at.

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The Snyder Cut of ‘Justice League’ Is Being Released on HBO Max

There’s been a nerd war going on for quite some time. You probably know next to nothing about it if you’re not terminally online, but all of nerd culture has become a battleground for a culture war, something that’s been very weird to watch from the sidelines.

When I do work as a critic, I try to take a broad view of the subject and talk about what works and what doesn’t in a piece media: do the jokes land, am I emotionally invested in the characters, are the action sequences well-choreographed, things like that.

A lot of people, mostly on Twitter and Facebook, though, have decided that whether a movie is good or not mostly depends on what “side” they’re on and honestly I have no idea who decided these teams or how they divide up the movies but there’s a whole lot of people getting extremely holier-than-thou about some of the worst movies made in the last decade.

For example, did you know that not liking the 2016 Ghostbusters reboot makes you a bad person? And that making a sequel people who enjoyed the original, actually good movie might enjoy (they won’t, it’s gonna suck) is therefore bad because those people are bad? Yeah, it’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, too, but someone actually said it.

That guy is actually mad about the new Ghostbusters movie trying to make money.

I’ve been talking about all of this seemingly unrelated stuff for a reason, and the reason is that the biggest battle of this stupid goddamn internet slapfight has been over the so-called Snyder Cut of Justice League. I don’t know why, but for some reason fans of Zack Snyder’s other DC movies thinking Justice League would have been better had he not had to leave it in Joss Whedon’s hands for personal reasons have been deemed bad and a lot of people got very angry at their desire  to see his cut of the film.

I admit, the whole “release the Snyder Cut” thing got a little annoying, but I saw way more of people complaining about it or mocking it than I did people actually being annoying about their support of it.

Much to the joy of some people and for some reason the chagrin of others, Warner Brothers has decided they are going to release the Snyder Cut on HBO Max and they’re going to give Zack Snyder $20-30 million more for post-production to finish it.

Snyder’s cut of Justice League is almost four hours long, and there are rumors it might air as a TV series of sorts like Tarantino’s extended cute of The Hateful Eight on Netflix. It’ll still be better than the absolute turn Joss Whedon crapped out, though. Man, what the hell happened to Joss Whedon? We all saw the first Avengers movie and he followed that up with Justice League and Age of Ultron? It’s like watching Van Gogh draw a stick figure.

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Tara Reid Pursuing Carole Baskin Role in One or More ‘Tiger King’ Adaptations

Remember Tara Reid? She was kind of a sex symbol before she became the poster girl from botched plastic surgery.

I mean, he’s not wrong, folks.

Well, Reid, like basically everyone, wants to be in a Tiger King adaptation. Kind of a shame the media cycle this show will be relevant will be completely over by the time these adaptations enter production, much less when they come out. Remember Serial? Can you even name the people that was about?

Page Six reports Reid is in serious talks to play Carole Baskin, but her team is tight-lipped about which production or productions she’s auditioning for.

“We are in talks with the producers and she is being considered, that is all I can say at the moment as casting is on hold,” Philippe Ashfield, Reid’s manager and business partner, told The Post.

“Tara loves ‘Tiger King’ and found the documentary extremely interesting. She feels she could get into the character of Carole Baskin very well … and she has a similar look to [Baskin],” Ashfield added.

I’m sure Reid would do a great job, but I still want to see Julianne Moore play Baskin. It’s right in her wheelhouse.

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Disney to Fans Who Have Spent Entire Lives Memorizing Minutia of ‘Star Wars’: Continuity Doesn’t Matter

It’s a good thing that Star Wars fans don’t have a reputation for being obsessive nerds who fixated on every tiny detail of the franchise for hours on end or they might have gotten angry when Disney basically said “Yeah, none of that stuff actually matters, who cares?” Lucasfilm

Executive Matt Martin proved he really has his finger on the pulse of the fan community when he said of Star Wars canon “it’s all fake anyway.” Come on, man, this isn’t religion we’re talking about, it’s Star Wars, this is serious.

To be fair, what he says is a little better in context. A little. Here’s his statement via The Playlist.

“So to summarize: there is a reason that we need to internally know what is and isn’t canon so we can keep our line of official storytelling as aligned as possible but that doesn’t mean fans can’t individually pick and choose what they want to accept as true,” Martin wrote. “It’s all fake anyway so you can choose to accept whatever you want as part of the story.”

He continued, “If you choose to only accept the real official canon: cool. If you like to mix and match between continuities: cool. If you like to make up your own stories: also cool.”

This would be more believable if Disney hadn’t made the third-worst film in the franchise just to explain a mistake George Lucas made in the first movie because he didn’t know what a parsec was.

This is basically a response to Disney getting rid of the Expanded Universe material when they took over Star Wars. Fans were mad about this because there was a lot of material and they had absolutely internalized every bit of it but there was actually a good reason for Disney to drop it: it was a goddamn mess that actually divided different things into different “layers” of canonicity.

Still, regardless of your intent, it’s pretty tone-deaf to say “hey man, this stuff doesn’t matter” to the one fan base on Earth that is the most devoted to making sure that all of this stuff does in fact matter. No wonder Disney managed to top the prequels in awfulness.

But since we’re being invited to create our own Star Wars canon, I thought I’d share mine with you. You can consider this the official list of everything Star Wars that’s actually worth watching or reading.

  • Star Wars
  • The Empire Strikes Back
  • Return of the Jedi
  • Revenge of the Sith
  • Star Wars: The Clone Wars
  • The Mandalorian
  • Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic
  • Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
  • Heir to the Empire
  • Dark Force Rising
  • The Last Command

And that’s it. I’d have included Star Wars Rebels, but it includes Thrawn and contradicts the novels so it’s out. But this is all the Star Wars you need; four movies, two TV series, two video games and three books. And that’s actually a lot. You just pretend that’s the whole franchise and you’ll be happy, you might actually like Star Wars again.

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Bryan Adams Says ‘Bat Eating, Virus Making Greedy Bastards’ Deprived You From Hearing ‘Cuts Like a Knife’ Live

Did you know Bryan Adams is a racist? Oh, vegan too, which might even be worse. I kid.

Adams revealed a personal side to his fans yesterday when he posted to Instagram. It was, let me search my mind for the right word, not good?

Adams blamed “bat eating, wet market animal selling, virus making greedy bastards” for the cancellation of his concerts at the Royal Albert Hall. So basically, a concert where people sit through an hour to hear the two songs they know.

Here’s Adam’s full rant:

CUTS LIKE A KNIFE. A song by me. Tonight was supposed to be the beginning of a tenancy of gigs at the @royalalberthall, but thanks to some fucking bat eating, wet market animal selling, virus making greedy bastards, the whole world is now on hold, not to mention the thousands that have suffered or died from this virus. My message to them other than “thanks a fucking lot” is go vegan. To all the people missing out on our shows, I wish I could be there more than you know. It’s been great hanging out in isolation with my children and family, but I miss my other family, my band, my crew and my fans. Take care of yourselves and hope we can get the show on the road again soon. I’ll be performing a snippet from each album we were supposed to perform for the next few days. X❤ #songsfromisolation #covid_19 #banwetmarkets #selfisolation #bryanadamscutslikeaknife #govegan🌱

Ooof.

Some people on Twitter are saying he was hacked.

Others are taking the “Bryan Adams was only taking about veganism” route. If that’s the case, I’m ordering two steaks tonight. Oh wait, there’s a MEAT shortage. Those damn bat eaters!! Totally on Adams’ side now.

There were some using Adams’ song titles for their hot takes. These would be funny if you know songs from 35 years ago.

Adams ruining Canada’s image tonight.

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‘Fuck Elon Musk’ Says California Assemblywoman to His Threat to Relocate Factory

A spoiled, bratty kid taking his ball and going home if he doesn’t get his way is such a cliche that it’s actually an idiom. You probably thought of someone you knew in your youth when I mentioned it.

Turns out a lot of rich assholes never grew out of that impulse, and Elon Musk is one of them. He is so incensed at the idea that Tesla May not be able to send their workers to their death in the middle of a pandemic so he can see his bank account go up that he’s threatening to move Tesla’s headquarters from California to a state that puts big corporations profits over people’s lives the way Elon clearly does.

What a twat. Musk is even suing Alameda county for forcing him to keep his factory shut down through the end of May because it’s not an essential business.

Generally when someone says something like this, it’s a tactic. He expects people to kiss his ass and beg him to stay and give into his demands.

The response he actually got from Assemblywoman Lorena Gonzalez was quite different.

That’s an evergreen tweet if I’ve ever seen one.

She didn’t stop there, though, she explained exactly why she thinks Elon should feel free to leave and make sure the door doesn’t hit him on the ass on his way to Texas.

California has highly subsidized a company that has always disregarded worker safety & well-being, has engaged in union busting & bullies public servants. I probably could’ve expressed my frustration in a less aggressive way. Of course, no one would’ve cared if I tweeted that.

And, the deaths from Covid-19 in California are disproportionately Latino. Our communities have been the hardest hit. By far. Maybe that’s why we take the public health officials’ warning and directions so seriously.

I’ve said this before and I’m sure I’ll say it again, but Elon Musk is like Lex Luthor but without the charisma or intelligence.

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Ariel Winter Also Apparently Had Her Thumb Reduced After Accidentally Cutting it Off

Ariel Winter famous and unashamedly had breast reduction surgery a few years back, taking her bust down to a much more manageable “massive.”

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I ate a hot dog in a BAGUETTE

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That’s not the only thing she’s reduced, though, because it turns out that Winter has lost a good amount of thumb weight recently.

Here’s what Winter told Access, via Hollywood Life:

“I was trying to make Greek food, because I’m Greek,” Ariel began to explain. She decided to use one of her new knives for one of these cuisine experiments. After successfully chopping four onions, Ariel revealed, “And so I went to chop a peeled tomato and slice the top part of my thumb off on a peeled tomato.” You could read the irony of the situation on Ariel’s face.

I’m not sure what part of this story is ironic. If you’re going to cut off a finger, it’s likely going to be either in the kitchen or a woodworking shop. Not entirely sure how Nick Offerman still has all ten fingers, honestly.

Ariel did a good amount of damage. “I apparently sliced an artery, or something like that. And I bled so much and so we had to go to the hospital,” she went on. Being the loyal boyfriend he is, Luke “brought the tip of [Ariel’s] thumb to the hospital,” Ariel revealed. Now, here’s the best part of the story: Luke handed over the severed thumb to a nurse, who later returned it in a plastic bag (without clarifying what was inside that bag). So, they threw it away — thumb and all.

Why would a nurse just hand her a bag with a thumb in it? Why wouldn’t you look at that bag before you threw it out? I have many questions.

“It’s definitely very funny now,” Ariel later said, smiling. Rest assured, the thumb was retrieved and Ariel confirmed that she’s “fine,” even if she lost a “good portion” of one of her most important fingers and was “bleeding a lot.” Ariel just had to get a tetanus shot and avoid infecting the injured thumb!

Can we order this procedure for Megan Fox and her weird toe-thumbs? Because I’m clearly making this joke in 2008 when Mega Fox was relevant.

The only problem is I’m going to need to see the thumb. I think we all remember the time Fran Drescher went on The Tonight Show and told a story about slicing her hand open that absolutely never happened. Ariel’s story just seems a little out there.

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Elon Musk Gave His Newborn Son a Name as Dumb as Its Father

Elon Musk is the dumbest person to ever be called a genius unironically and he keeps proving that every time he opens his mouth. Like the other day Tesla’s stock fell because Musk tweeted it was too high despite the fact that he’s under a court order not to do exactly that. Who does that?

Well, Musk just welcomed a new baby into the world with his girlfriend Grimes who used to be cool before she started dating Elon Musk. They gave the baby exactly the sort of name you would expect a dumbass Bond villain who thinks he’s way smarter than he actually is to give his child. So let’s all say hello to baby X Æ A-12.

Fucking hell, even Prince just went back to being Prince before he died.

It’s not the kid’s fault his dad sucks, he’s actually kind of cute.

But his dad is such an asshole.

Seriously, though, give your kid a normal name. Billionaire or not, you tell people your name is X Æ A-12 and your head is getting dunked in a toilet.

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‘Trolls World Tour’ May Have Just Killed Movie Theaters

The first Trolls movie kicked off with a $46 million opening weekend when it came out in 2016. Its sequel, Trolls World Tour, more than doubled that number, raking in $95 million in its first 19 days of video-on-demand, making it one of the first direct-to-home-video smash hits. The first Trolls film made about $120 million in its first 19 days, but theaters take a larger cut than online distributors like Apple and Google, who generally only keep 30% compared to the 40-60% theaters keep at different parts of the release window, the studio may have actually brought in more money than it would have with a theatrical release.

Guess who isn’t happy about this.

If you said theater owners, go buy yourself a coke because you win. Deadline reports that the National Association of Theatre Owners issued a statement which, to me, sounds like a mix of panic and pettiness, saying in part:

“Universal does not have reason to use unusual circumstances in an unprecedented environment as a springboard to bypass true theatrical releases,” said NATO president and CEO John Fithian. “Theaters provide a beloved immersive, shared experience that cannot be replicated – an experience that many of the VOD viewers of this film would have participated in had the world not been sequestered at home, desperate for something new to watch with their families. We are confident that when theaters reopen, studios will continue to benefit from the global theatrical box office, followed by traditional home release.”

Universal plans to experiment with video-on-demand releases concurrent with theatrical releases once theaters resume operation because of the success of Trolls World Tour.

AMC and other theater chains are claiming that they won’t carry films that don’t respect the theatrical release window, which doesn’t make sense because they just got finished saying how great the theater experience is and how people would clearly rather go to a theater than watch a movie at home if given a choice.

You know how there are very few drive-in theaters now even though there were around 4,000 in the US at one point, a number comparable to the number of theaters playing first-run movies in the US today. They closed due to a combination of Daylight Savings Time pushing start times back an hour and home video, in this case the wide adoption of the VCR, letting people stay home and watch movies, which they preferred.

Think about your local movie theater. Doesn’t it seem a little 1970s? Even if it was built more recently, they all just kind of seem a bit old-fashioned, don’t though? A bit nostalgic? A bit out-of-place in today’s world?

You can buy a new 50” brand-name 4K UHD TV for under $500 today. How is going to a movie theater where you can’t control the temperature, have to sit in an uncomfortable seat and probably eat overpriced snacks better than watching a movie at home? Comfy seats, eat whatever you want, have a beer and hey, you’re not bothering anyone by using your phone or iPad at home, something you should absolutely never do at a theater.

If I were a theater owner and I couldn’t pressure the studios into considering me necessary enough to give me the protection of the theatrical release window, I might start looking for something else to do with my property.

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Weekend at Jong-Un’s: North Korean Leader Either on Beach Vacation or Dead… or Both

There have been a lot of conflicting reports about the well-being of North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un in the past few days, so here’s what we know for sure: he falls somewhere on a scale between “fine” and “dead.”

It’s not really a lot to go on, but actual news organizations have reported both of these things and everything inbetween over the weekend.

For example, the Sydney Morning Herald reports that Kim is just on the beach hanging out.

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has been detected by US sources walking in the port city of Wonsan, days after rumours spread that he was gravely ill after surgery.

South Korean newspapers have published accounts from sources who claim the leader was inspecting construction of the city’s designated tourist area – a sprawling resort complex in the old trading port.

Japan’s Shukan Gendai, however, is reporting Kim is in a vegetative state, which is a polite way of saying brain dead, but in the literal way and not just the way Donald Trump and Joe Biden are brain dead. An NBC News reporter also tweeted and then retracted this brain dead report.

If Kim really is dead, is apparent successor would be his sister Kim Yo-Jong, who seriously looks like a supervillain.

Kim Yo-Jong has become something of a meme but seriously, you look at that picture and tell me that isn’t the look of someone who just lowered James Bond into a tank full of sharks.

We may honestly never know if Kim Jong-Un is alive or dead. I do not put it past North Korea to just slap some sunglasses on him and Weekend at Bernie’s him for a few months while they try to figure out what to do.

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Tom Brady is Even Charming When He Accidentally Pulls a B&E

What the hell is in the water in Florida that makes everything so weird? I know that the Florida Man meme that’s over 20 years old and I believe started as a category on the early Web 2.0 portal Slashdot is mostly caused by the lack of access Floridians have to mental health services but it is clearly bigger than that because it seems people start doing dumb shit the second their feet touch Florida soil.

Case in point: Tampa Bay Bucs Quarterback Tom Brady accidentally broke into someone’s house despite having never (as far as we know) just wandered into anyone’s house the entire time he played for New England.

TMZ had the exclusive scoop on how Brady just walked into someone’s house.

https://twitter.com/tombrady/status/1253376718645219338?s=21

I mean, good for him for having a sense of humor.

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Maya Hawke, Daughter of ‘Reality Bites’ Star Ethan Hawke, Says Generation X ‘Really Fucked Us’

It’s hard to think of anything more quintessentially Generation X than Reality Bites, but if I had to pick something I’d go with Uma Thurman. So the daughter of Uma Thurman and Reality Bites star Ethan Hawke should be a sort of uber Gen Xer, right? Wearing flannel over flannel and listening to rock music before Coldplay came along and killed the entire genre. But Maya Hawke actually thinks Generation X fucked up the entire world and she’s not entirely wrong.

Page Six reported on Hawke’s comments about the damage her parents’ generation did.

And later, Hawke admits, “We’re just so annoyed at our parents’ generation. They had it so easy. They were all just high and driving around in cool, gas-guzzling cars. Destroying our environment … and having no wars, and no plagues and no pandemics.

“We’re in our 20s, we’re supposed to be having fun, and doing drugs and partying. But instead … We’re going to SoulCycle and trying to outlive our planet. We have a horrible president, and it’s just really irritating. They really f–ked us.”

She’s not really wrong, but she’s also not entirely right, either. The first Iraq war was in the early 90s and the AIDS epidemic started in the 80s. I think she may be confusing her parents with the Baby Boomers who elected Ronald Reagan and Margaret Thatcher which is what really fucked us. And gas guzzlers were mostly out of style by the 90s.

You know, except for Hummers and other SUVs because some dumb bitch named Karen thinks she needs an armored military vehicle to drive around on paved roads and pick up her groceries for some reason. But young Gen Xers hated those assholes, too.

I also think that people who say Trump is the worst president ever have very short memories. Maya was nine when George W Bush left office, but it’s important to remember that he was a lot like Donald Trump except dumber, more racist and got a lot more people killed. And he had way less charisma.

She’s spot on about climate change killing us all, though. But that’s mostly because Obama, the guy was president between Bush and Trump, did fuck all to stop it.

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Madonna Refuses to be Less of a Dumb Asshole, Sources Say

It seems that Madonna is pretty dead set on the whole “being a stupid asshole who everybody hates” thing that she’s been doing for the past forty years or so. And even thought the people closest to her are telling her to ix-nay on the unt-kay act, Page Six reports she’s having none of it.

“I worshipped her, we all did,” said someone who has worked with Madonna in recent years and has ties to her inner circle. “I still do, but I’m disappointed. It’s like she’s selling out to keep getting attention and she doesn’t know how weird she’s coming off. I keep hoping she’ll snap out of it.”

Let’s be honest here, “selling out to keep getting attention” basically describes Madonna’s entire life. When she was in high school, before she was famous, she was basically know for being the really smart girl who was constantly flashing her panties. That’s 100% true, by the way.

Some insiders believe this is because her publicist Liz Rosenberg retired a few years ago.

“No one around her today can tell her anything,” said Brad Jeffries, who choreographed for Madonna for years, including the “Like a Virgin” tour, and was also friends with Rosenberg. “Liz could, but she’s gone. That’s why [Madonna] seems to be going so deep into the crazy right now. I defend her right to sleep with 25-year-olds because if she were a 61-year-old guy sleeping with 25-year-old women no one would blink an eye. But the way she’s doing it comes off a little desperate.”

Yeah, sleeping with people half your age to stick it to your ex is the least-crazy thing Madonna has done in recent years. It’s really the running around with a British accent and an eyepatch like she’s auditioning for Pirates of the Caribbean.

The good news, then, is that while this COVID-19 lockdown has us all inside and bored and going a little crazy, Madonna will still be doing dumb shit for us to laugh at.

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Jussie Smollett’s Fake Attacker was Allegedly in a Romantic Relationship with the ‘Empire’ Star

The more we find out about the Jussie Smollett case, the more sense everything starts to make. For example, it was never really clear why a few extras from Empire would help him with his alleged scheme. Sure he paid them but it seemed like they had to leave the country afterwards and I don’t think he gave them as much money as they made on the show. And his alleged plan was really, really stupid.

Page Six reports, however, that Smollett’s confederates may have helped him for the purest reason for all: love.

“They used to party together and he had a sexual relationship with [Abel]. They went to this affluent Chicago bathhouse multiple times and they had to show ID. It’s known as a bathhouse where a lot of affluent black gay men hang out. There should be a record [of their visits],” an insider told Page Six, adding that the bathhouse records may be subpoenaed in Smollett’s upcoming trial on charges of disorderly conduct.

It should be noted that Abel denies that he had a sexual or romantic relationship with Smollett, but he also lives in a country where being gay is illegal.

Abel and his brother, Ola, have denied they are gay and sued Smollett’s Hollywood lawyers, Tina Glandian and Mark Geragos, last year for defamation after they insinuated there was a sexual relationship between Smollett and one of the brothers in an interview with “Good Morning America.”

The suit claimed the comments put the brothers and their family, who are Nigerian, at risk due to the country’s inhumane laws that state homosexuality is punishable by up to 14 years in prison and death by stoning if the person is married.

Yeah, I wouldn’t want to get stoned to death for Jussie Smollett either. But I also wouldn’t go along with someone’s 80s sitcom plot plan to raise their profile by faking a hate crime, either, so what do I know?

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