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Robert Pattinson is Batman, Just in Case You Still Thought Superhero Movies Were Cool

Hey, remember when vampires used to be awesome? They were these strong, scary, slightly homo-erotic creatures of the night who lived in giant castles surrounded by bats, and then Robert Pattinson came along and made them whiny  100-year-old virgins and Christian allegories with diamond skin. Robert Pattinson ruined vampires and also probably Kristen Stewart, who looked way hotter with long hair.

Now Pattinson is playing Batman, who is a strong, scary, slightly homo-erotic creature of the night who lives in giant mansion surrounded by bats and oh shit it’s happening again isn’t it? Batman is our coolest non-Wolverine superhero, we need to protect him from this kind of bullshit. I just have a feeling this movie to make us long for the dark seriousness of Adam West’s Batman or the rugged heterosexuality of Joel Schumacher’s Batman Forever.

Variety reports that the script of the movie isn’t even finished yet, so there’s plenty of time left to ruin it to match its star.

Warner Bros., in giving Reeves plenty of time to develop the script, is hoping the latest iteration of the DC icon is done right, following the disappointments of “Batman v Superman” and “Justice League.”

And yet they cast Robert Pattinson as Batman.

No word on if Joe Manganiello will show up as Deathstroke the Terminator in this outing, but I wouldn’t count on it. Can you see a world where Robert Pattinson  slugs it out with Joe Manganiello and wins? They could have just done a Batman TV show on the CW instead of this, and avoided the potential controversy with Ruby Rose.

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James Gunn Has Given His First Interview About Being Fired and Rehired By Disney

If you’re anything like me, after Disney reversed course on its very bad decision to fire James Gunn, you really wanted to know what the hell happened. Gunn kept his head down, stayed silent and even took a job doing Suicide Squad 2 for the Distinguished Competition, which probably gave Disney the room to hire him back, but it still left us without the details of what happened.

But now Gunn has given an interview to Deadline and he let us in on all the behind-the-scenes drama.

That first day… I’m going to say it was the most intense of my entire life. There have been other difficult days in my life, from the time I got sober when I was younger, to the death of friends who committed suicide. But this was incredibly intense. It happened, and suddenly it seemed like everything was gone. I just knew, in a moment that happened incredibly quickly, I had been fired. It felt as if my career was over.

Yeah, it was really crazy. I feel like if anyone at Disney had actually slowed down for a minute the outrage would have blown over and they could have gotten the movie out on schedule. I mean, has anyone made good on their boycott threats over Gunn’s jokes? Avengers: Endgame is the first Marvel movie released since Gunn was hired back and that has been raking in money hand over fist all over the world.

It doesn’t hurt that everyone in the world who isn’t a total moron dickbag wanted Gunn back.

And then came this outpouring of real love. From my girlfriend Jen; my producer and my agents; Chris Pratt calling me and freaking out; Zoe Saldana and Karen Gillan, all calling and crying. Sylvester Stallone FaceTime-ing me. And, of course, Dave Bautista, who came out so strong. That amount of love that I felt from my friends, my family, and the people in the community was absolutely overwhelming.

This is actually kind of heartwarming.

The studios, for the most part, said, “We’d love to have you.” They called within the first two days. But I didn’t believe it. That’s the thing that I have to be honest about. On some theoretical level, I was like, “Well, maybe I do have a future.”

All of Marvel’s movies are modeled after Guardians of the Galaxy now. All of them. The biggest movie franchise in the history of the world has one mode, and that mode is “do what James Gunn did” so of course studios were beating his door down the second he was a free agent.

I just hope people are as kind to me when someone finds all the dumb shit I say on this website and gets me fired from whatever job I’m doing.

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Jake Paul Under Investigation For Allegedly Pulling a Cosby at Weekend Party

Jake Paul took a break from banging fellow YouTube thot Tana Mongeau this weekend to throw a birthday party for rapper Desiigner who I guess is a real person. This was one of Jake Paul’s worst ideas ever, and that’s really saying something because look at all the other dumb as shit things he’s done in his life.

According to The Independent, Paul is now under investigation for drugging a woman at this party. Now, I don’t think he’s been accused of… doing anything to the woman when she was drugged, but it’s still massively fucked up.

“On Sunday, May 5, 2019, the Malibu Lost Hills Sheriff’s Station was made aware of a possible single occurrence of unwillful impairment related to a party attended on May 4, 2019,” the spokesperson said. “Detectives are in the beginning stages of information gathering for the incident. The Sheriff’s Department treats allegations such as these seriously, and will use all known resources to investigate.”

Also a Facebook post said that there was more than one young woman who was drugged.

“The house was a mansion filled with young people,” the parent wrote in a post shared on social media. “She ended up in the hospital with eight other girls who had been drugged and ended up at West Hills Hospital incoherent. Something was put in their drinks.”

That’s really rapey. I don’t know why you’re drugging people’s drinks if you’re not at least thinking about raping them.

Now, to be clear here, this isn’t just an allegation against Jake Paul specifically. It was his party, but as far as we know police haven’t named him or anyone as a suspect, and another guest could have been responsible, not just Paul.

But come on, is anyone surprised to read the words “Jake Paul” and “Drugged Women” in the same headline? I took one look at that guy and my first thought was “I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a roofie guy on speed dial.”

The post Jake Paul Under Investigation For Allegedly Pulling a Cosby at Weekend Party appeared first on The Blemish.

Disney Released 10 Years of Movie Release Dates, Hope You Want to See the Same Shit For the Next Decade

Christmas came early today for all the people who like watching the same three movies every year for the rest of time because Disney just released their theatrical release calendar for the next ten years. Here’s a hint for you; they’ve filled an entire decade with all the same shit they’re doing now.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The first thing is that they’re still pretending that they’re going to release The New Mutants, an X-Men spin-off set in the continuity of the old films that Dark Phoenix will close the door on. The Maisie Williams film was supposed to debut before Dark Phoenix but it keeps getting pushed back because it desperately needs reshoots that Disney isn’t going to pay for, so while I’m sure they’d like to release it to try to make back some of their production budget, they’re probably going to dump it on Hulu, which is the smart thing. Releasing a bad movie based on good characters can really cause problems for the property. Just look at Green Lantern; Green Lantern was DC’s top selling comic for the better part of a decade and their film division basically considers it toxic. Marvel probably doesn’t want that to happen with a group of characters who could end up being the core of an X-Men or X-Force movie.

If you’re a fan of Untitled Marvel, your cup runneth over. This appears eight times on the schedule, all in the next three years. And that’s not even counting Spider-Man: Far From Home, which comes out this summer. It seems like that Black Widow film is still on the production slate, and is actually filming right now, as one intrepid Twitter user caught ScarJo filming a Marvel movie in his back yard.

Though he later added someone told him this was Morbius, which is produced by Sony, not Black Widow.

Do people really want to see a prequel film about a character they’ve already killed off? Who cares.

All those “Untitled Disney Live Action” films could be anything, but I’m going with the assumption they’re all live action remakes of Disney cartoons. If you really think about it, that’s  probably way more likely to be correct than Disney actually making something new, and I can honestly see them cranking four of those pieces of shit out a year.

Indiana Jones is back on the schedule, think Shia LaBeouf will be in that one? I actually liked the last Indiana Jones movie, so you can all bite me. There’s also a Bob’s Burgers movie on the schedule, which will really cement its place as “The Simpsons but still good.”

Finally, there’s going to be another new Star Wars or Avatar movie every year starting in 2021 until about when the sun goes red giant and engulfs the Earth. And Rian Johnson won’t be directing any of them.

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Kelsey Merritt is the First Filipino ‘Sports Illustrated’ Model

I don’t know how, but Sports Illustrated has apparently never had a Filipino model in it’s famous swimsuit issue until this year. But if you’re the Philippines, you could do a lot worse than to have the first person to represent you be Kelsey Merritt.

That’s what she looks like after a red-eye flight. Yeah.

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Can stay in this all day 😌💫🎀 @victoriassecret

A post shared by Kelsey Merritt (@kelseymerritt) on

She’s got some long-ass toes going on. Those things could be fingers.

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Take a walk on the wild side 🐆

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I guess finger toes make it easier to climb trees, at any rate.

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Counting the days til I’m back home!! ☀☀☀

A post shared by Kelsey Merritt (@kelseymerritt) on

The swimsuit issue is just around the corner, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing plenty more of Kelsey.

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Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s ‘Bin Raccoon’ Boyfriend is a Meme

People still don’t know how to deal with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. It’s almost entirely because she’s very attractive for a congresswoman.

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A year ago I was waitressing in a restaurant while organizing my community. In a time and place where we had been burned by so many politicians, and had grown deservedly cynical of the sad, familiar cycle of campaign promises and governance excuses, I was asking them, just once, to believe. . It was really hard, because how do you make that case? How to ask someone whose trust has been violated over and over to believe you? To believe in the movement for justice and economic dignity? . You show up. You give unconditionally. You show up when no one is looking and the cameras are off. You offer support when it’s risky, but necessary. You do it over and over again, without a need for recognition or expectation that you are “owed” something for doing the right thing. You just… engage in the act of loving your community. . Never in my wildest dreams did I think that those late nights on the 6 & 7 trains would lead to this. All this attention gives me a lot of anxiety (my staff fought to get me to agree to this cover, as I was arguing against it), and still doesn’t feel quite real, which maybe is why I remain comfortable taking risks, which maybe is a good thing. . I believe in an America where all things are possible. Where a basic, dignified life isn’t a dream, but a norm. . That’s why I got up then, and it’s why I get up now. Because my story shouldn’t be a rare one. Because our collective potential as a nation can be unlocked when we’re not so consumed with worry about how we’re going to secure our most basic needs, like a doctor’s visit or an affordable place to live.

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She’s cute, she’s like a seven, which in congress is a fifteen. Her only competition for hottest government official basically a room full of 90 year old white dudes. Which means people really don’t know how to act when she comes up.

It’s not just slack-jawed alt-right idiots on 4chan who don’t know how to deal with a somewhat attractive elected official, it’s also well-meaning Twitter feminists still doing that “All girls are beautiful and fart rainbows and fairy dust follows them then they walk” thing. You know the ones.

Settle down bitch, you look like Courtney Love dressed up like a raccoon for Halloween.

But I digress, that’s an entirely different meme than the one we’re talking about here. We’re talking about the one that started with this tweet.

Again, let’s settle down on how “stunning” AOC is. She’s cute, but six months ago she was a barista in New York who was probably the one punching above her weight in this relationship. She totally calls this dude “Daddy.”

Of course, Twitter took this and ran with it.

I think it shows a lot of character that Ocasio-Cortez is staying with her partner and not out looking for a dick upgrade now that she has an accomplishment and a moderate amount of fame. She could probably nab a Hemsworth. Not one of the good ones, but like, their cousin Todd Hemsworth, proprietor of Hemsworth’s World’s Finest Emu Farm is totally gettable by her now.

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Chewbacca Actor Peter Mayhew Has Died at 74

Today is a sad day for Star Wars fans as another one of the original cast members has passed away. Peter Mayhew, who played Chewbacca in all three Star Wars movies and that Christmas special that Jefferson Starship and Bea Arthur were in for some reason, was 74 when he died from a heart attack

The actor’s death was announced on social media by his family.

Mayhew is the fourth main cast member of Star Wars to die, following Sir Alec Guinness in 2000, and Kenny Baker  and Carrie Fisher in 2016.

One interesting tidbit is that at the end of Star Wars, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker get medals while Chewbacca doesn’t. Mayhew used to point out that Chewbacca has the last line in the movie, but 20 years later at the MTV Movie Awards, Carrie Fisher finally gave Peter Mayhew a medal.

Man, even though that was meant as a joke, watching it now is all sorts of bittersweet.

Some of Mayhew’s surviving castmates offered their sympathy.

Harrison Ford made a statement to The Hollywood Reporter.

Peter Mayhew was a kind and gentle man, possessed of great dignity and noble character. These aspects of his own personality, plus his wit and grace, he brought to Chewbacca. We were partners in film and friends in life for over 30 years and I loved him. He invested his soul in the character and brought great pleasure to the Star Wars audience.

Chewbacca was an important part of the success of the films we made together. He knew how important the fans of the franchise were to its continued success and he was devoted to them. I and millions of others will never forget Peter and what he gave us all.  My thoughts are with his dear wife Angie and his children. Rest easy, my dear friend….

JJ Abrams, who directed Mayhew in The Force Awakens, also sent his condolences to Mayhew’s family.

Peter Mayhew never really found success as an actor outside of playing Chewbacca, but he was beloved by fans all around the world and, when he was healthy, was a mainstay on the convention circuit. Mayhew’s had medical problems over the past few years, including having his knees replaced, but throughout it all, he smiled for his fans in photos from the hospital. He may be gone and he may have only had one film role, but it’s a role that will ensure he’s remembered fondly by future generations.

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It’s Channing Tatum Naked and Holding His Junk

Ladies, feast your eyes on Channing Tatum cupping his balls and being sprayed with water like a sex toy.

Evidently, Tatum lost a bet to Jessica Cornish [Ed. note: Jessie J, his girlfriend] at a game of Jenga. He captioned his Instagram:

 lost a game of Jenga to Jessica Cornish.
The loser (me) had to post a picture the other person (Jessica Cornish) picked… Smh and fml… I’m never playing Jenga with her ever again… 🚿 + 🐰 📸@jessiej

See? That’s how we know he lost a bet. We call this “reporting.”

Celebs commented on the pic. Like Halle Berry who only posted “😂😂💀”.

Marlon Wayans said “I been there… but my Jenga game is dope as fuck.”

Olivia Culpo said “I think you just broke the internet,” but c’mon, no guy’s gonna break the internet.

No idea what Jessica Cornish would’ve done had SHE lost. I wanna see that.

Another thing: Tatum sure has some tiny calves. Dude needs to do more calf raises.

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Now That Disney Owns All of Entertainment, They’re Trying to Ruin It

After successfully merging with Fox, Disney is basically the largest entertainment company in the world, they have a virtual monopoly on television and movies. So what does the world look like with Disney in control of most of what we watch?

Well, first of all, Disney doesn’t let repertory theaters play their movies. The “Disney Vault” doesn’t just apply to home video, there are no public screenings of any of their old films, either. And it looks like this policy now applies to the Fox library as well.

Repertory theaters have a big place in our culture. Just as an example, Rocky Horror Picture Show is probably best known for being a staple of midnight matinees where people went in costume and sang along at theaters that had weekly screenings for years or even decades.

Sean, who is a great journalist, also brings up another really good point in the tweet directly after this one.

Sometimes things are “problematic” or dated because movies and television are products of their time. They show us the world the way people saw it, and they’re basically historical artifacts. Sometimes that look might make us uncomfortable, but it’s an important window and it’s important to have art that challenges us and makes us uncomfortable.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t you? Via The Hollywood Reporter:

But even some of those green lights are being met with scrutiny. One source says Horn is questioning the apparent plan to have young characters smoking onscreen in West Side Story. “With Fox, we can make movies that right now I say no to. … We always have to think about the smoking policy. The audience for a Disney movie may not know what they are going to see, but they know what they aren’t going to see,” the exec said in a recent interview with THR. “There are certain things we just can’t include because we’ll get letters.”

Awesome, we can’t show gang members smoking in the 50s, people might get the wrong idea. There’s also this:

There are no plans to make Song of the South available on the $7-per-month offering.

Disney really has it in for Song of the South. It’s because they’re making a bold, moral stance, right Bob Iger?

it wouldn’t be in the best interest of our shareholders to bring it back

Yeah, I thought so. But at least you and the shareholders are taking care of your employees, right? Let’s ask Abigail Disney, daughter of Walt Disney’s brother and partner Roy Disney. Here’s what she said in the Washington Post.

I had to speak out about the naked indecency of chief executive Robert Iger’s pay. According to Equilar, Iger took home more than $65 million in 2018. That’s 1,424 times the median pay of a Disney worker. To put that gap in context, in 1978, the average CEO made about 30 times a typical worker’s salary. Since 1978, CEO pay has grown by 937 percent, while the pay of an average worker grew just 11.2 percent.

I mean, that’s not great, but it’s not like they were spending money that could have gone to employee salaries to keep employee salaries low, right?

Disney has pushed back by noting that it pays more than the $7.25 federal minimum wage. This argument fails to acknowledge that the cost of living varies from place to place and few can make do on that, no matter where they live. It also fails to recognize that the company worked quietly to try to defeat a ballot initiative to lift the minimum wage paid by certain employers to $15 an hour in Anaheim, Calif., which passed this past November.

Okay then. Disney owns roughly 50% of movies made in the US and almost all the content on two of the four major broadcast networks. They use that power to keep theaters from showing classic films, something that could very well mean the end of repertory theaters, because they want people to see their new movies instead. They’re censoring old and new movies to meet some “family friendly” standard that maximizes profits. They’ve fought to make copyright law in this country a draconian nightmare and now they’re campaigning to make income inequality worse.

But hey, maybe Wolverine will be in the next Avengers movie and that will make all of this worth it.

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Is Donald And Melania Trump’s Sham Marriage On the Rocks?

Being the President of the United States is hard, stressful work. You can see the way the job visibly ages the occupant of the oval office. You’ve got to check Twitter, watch Fox News, send tweets from the bathroom at 2 a.m., buy fast food for college kids, pass some tariffs and sanctions to cripple our economy, get on Twitter to take half an hour between threaded tweets… it’s a lot of work.

I’m assuming that’s what other presidents did, at any rate, I can’t even really remember what that was like, it’s been so long. Were there even other presidents? I seem to remember a guy who did a movie with a monkey and then someone with severe brain damage in a cowboy hat, but it all seems so long ago.

SO it makes sense that with all that stress it would start to take a toll on your marriage, especially if it’s a sham marriage where you were out banging porn stars while your wife was still breastfeeding. People reports that the President and the First Lady were seen fighting at Mar-a-Lago recently.

“Melania was upset and they had words with each other over something,” the source tells PEOPLE. The couple was eating together in the club’s dining area on March 30.

It remains unclear what the issue was, according to this source.

“Donald, you’re doing to the entire country what I let you do to me once a month to earn my allowance; fucking them sidewise and leaving them disappointed.”

Mrs. Trump’s spokeswoman, Stephanie Grisham, disputed the witness’ account as “completely false” but did not elaborate — instead telling PEOPLE, “I’d encourage the anonymous source to say such things on the record.”

I don’t know, I’m prone to believe People’s anonymous source. Given everything I know about them, which is literally nothing, weighed against everything I know about the Trumps, it seems the anonymous person, who could be anyone, literally anyone, is more credible.

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‘Star Wars’ Keeps Hinting That Rey Is a Skywalker

If you’ve watched all the Star Wars movies, you’ve probably figured out that Rey is most likely Luke Skywalker’s long-lost daughter. This has pretty much been the theory since people saw Episode VII, but Rian Johnson seemed to nix it by having Kylo Ren talk about how Rey’s parents were nobodies and everyone spent the whole movie talking about how any Star Wars movie not made by Rian Johnson was stupid bullshit.

Then the trailer for Episode IX landed a few days ago.

Hey, the Emperor is back! I wonder if it’s a bigger, better Emperor like the Not Death Star from Episode VII. Like a giant sith Kaiju. MechaSheev. And Rey has Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber. And the movie is called The Rise of Skywalker. All the Skywalkers are dead. Luke is dead, Leia is dead, Anakin is dead, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru aren’t even Skywalkers but they’re so dead. Rey’s alive though. And suspiciously lacking in the last name department.

She also had a weird connection to Kylo Ren, AKA Ben Solo, and wanted to redeem him. Why was that?

Well, here are some Star Wars headlines from the past two days.

J.J. Abrams On Rey’s Parents: “There’s More to the Story” in ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ – Slashfilm

Luke Skywalker Didn’t Die A Virgin According to Mark Hamill – ScreenRant

I can do basic math here. 1 + 1 + 1 = J. J. Abrams is going to make Rey a Skywalker.

I know what you’re thinking. “Rey and Kylo Ren had some weird, pychosexual relationship in Episode VIII, wouldn’t it be really weird and uncomfortable for them to turn out to be cousins?” And yeah, it would, but Luke full-on frenched Leia in Empire and then when Obi-Wan said he had a sister he was immediately like “Leia must be my sister, I could tell the whole time.”

“But surely the writers of a billion-dollar film franchise aren’t just flying by the seat of their pants and making shit up as they go.” Have you seen Star Wars? For starters, it’s entirely clear that Darth Vader was meant to be his name. Lucas didn’t even know what a parsec was. And when he did sit down and put thought into planning a full trilogy of movies, we got midi-chlorians and six hours of trade route disputes on Space C-Span. S-Span.

Oh yeah, the midi-chlorians. You almost forgot about those, didn’t you? For Rey to be as strong in the force as she is, she’d have to have an astronomically high midi-chlorian count, because that’s how Star Wars works now. The things that makes you a destined hero is basically Space Kung Fu Eugenics. And it’s really only Skywalkers who have all those midi-chlorians.

Keep in mind that I don’t want this to be how the story plays ou, and I don’t feel like I’m particularly clever for putting these things together. If anything I’m annoyed that Disney bought Star Wars and has been pathologically unable to put out anything even coming close to a good movie, instead settling for “not as bad as The Phantom Menace” which is a bar I’ve seen cleared by movies that ended up on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Billy Dee Williams is back, though, so that’s pretty cool.

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R. Kelly Did a 28 Second Concert, Said 30 Seconds Was Too Old

Like Louis C.K., R. Kelly is back to performing despite his recent public disgrace. But according to Fox News, Kelly’s performance lasted just 28 seconds. I’ve taken a pisses that lasted longer than 28 seconds, although unlike Kelly mine weren’t on 13-year-olds.

Kelly announced the event on Instagram and asked the media to “take it easy on him” because he has to earn a living, he has a bunch of girlfriends to put through college in five years.

Via Fox:

TV stations WICS and WRSP report that about 100 people were at the 450-person-capacity club to see Kelly, who arrived at 1:30 a.m. There was a $100 entrance fee, which was lowered to $50 once Kelly arrived.

Was the entrance free for the event, or did the club just go “Oh, R. Kelly’s here, we should give people a discount?”

The stations report that some fans said it wasn’t worth the $100 and that they wouldn’t pay again. Fans also said they separate the accusations from the “artist.”

There’s actually a worthwhile discussion to be had on separating the art from the artist, and I don’t know why Fox put artist in quotes. R. Kelly has had a pretty successful music career, it’s not like he’s only known for peeing on teenagers. I generally don’t care what an artist has done in their personal life. Just as an example, we all know Hannah Gadsby is a more moral person than Louis C.K. But Louis C.K. is funny while Hannah Gadsby’s Netflix special was so terrible that I was tempted to switch over to Jeff Dunham because at least his unfunny racist puppets aren’t so fucking preachy.

My point is, if you like R. Kelly’s music, you don’t have to feel guilty. And if you give him $100 he will sing a few bars of it. Seriously, if you run into R. Kelly on the street and offer him $20 to hum a few bars of ‘Trapped in the Closet’ I’ll bet he’d do it.

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Even Grimes Doesn’t Like Grimes’ Music

Grimes has a new album coming out, and she’s promoting it in an interesting way: by saying her last album was shit. I don’t disagree with her, but I just wasn’t expecting her to be the one to say it. She gave the extremely insightful opinion in an interview with Cultured.

“The last album was a piece of crap,” she says. “I feel like people really misread it and it feels like a stain on my life.” She resists the notion that she tried to make a pop record, and considers it more of a genre exercise in which she demonstrated her range as a producer. “I just wish I could make music in a vacuum,” she claims, before retorting, “it’s good to make people mad actually, I retract my statement. If you can make people mad without actually hurting anyone, that’s probably a good thing.”

Just in case you thought you were going to come around and suddenly like the type of person who would sleep with Elon Musk, she’s changed her name to c. Really. c as in E=mc2. So it would be read “the speed of light.” Which is weird. When you’re dating Elon Musk, why name yourself after how quickly sex with him is over? Speaking of which…

c says the song, whose mystifying lyrics ride an angelic vocal melody, is about how love can be like a poison. “Specifically how when a dude comes inside you, you become in their thrall—how it’s an attack on your feminist freedom,” she illustrates. It’s a song that communicates best how much she’s changed over the last year; notably, in the context of her romantic relationship. “It’s sad how love can be this beautiful thing, but then love is the thing that’s fucking up my career,” she confesses. “The biggest change for me this year is losing my hardcore masculinity. I used to just be free—free of all this bullshit that it seemed like all the other girls were going through, and now I feel like I’m not.”

I don’t even know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, but I know it’s about Elon Musk firing off his his tiny little dong inside her. Must be awesome to fuck a dude who goes to orgies and doesn’t realize he’s at an orgy. Maybe just try dating someone who isn’t a huge asshole and let Elon get back together with Amber Heard. After hearing how she treated Johnny Depp, I totally ship her with Elon now.

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Lena Dunham Got the Word ‘Sick’ Tattooed on Her Neck, Apparently in Solidarity With People Who Saw Her Naked in ‘Girls’

You know what’s always an awesome idea? Getting a neck tattoo. That is something you will never regret. It will never go out of style and no one will ever think you’re a serial killer when they see it.

Following this good advice I just gave, Lena Dunham, known for making good choices, got the word ‘sick’ tattooed on her neck.

That’s the thing Lena Dunham is most afraid of being called? She’s clearly never googled the words ‘Lena Dunham.’ I would put ‘Lena Dunham’ way higher on my list than ‘sick.’ How about ‘that chick who got owned by Norm MacDonald. No, not Courtney Thorne-Smith, the fat one.”

I feel like there’s probably something else I wouldn’t want people calling me if I was Lena Dunham but I just can’t put my finger on it, probably because I’m not Lena Dunham and it’s not my younger sister’s vagina.

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Kanye West Says He’ll Perform During Weekend 2 of Coachella for Easter Sunday

Kanye West is doing a weekly concert series called “Sunday Service”. In it, Kanye will be performing his hits with a gospel choir and special guests which have included Kid Cudi, Katy Perry and David Letterman. He’s also debuted new music during the series. As for what Sunday Service is about, speculation is he wants to start the Church of Kanye where he’ll give people another reason to worship at his feet.

Anyway, on Sunday, Kanye tweeted he’s bringing Sunday Service to Coachella. But before you get too excited, it’s going to only be on Easter Sunday on Weekend 2 at 9 a.m. in the morning.

Did you hear that? That’s the sound of thousands of Weekend 1 ticket holders sobbing uncontrollably through their hipster shades and rushing to Facebook to post “Looking to trade Weekend 1 tickets for Weekend 2 tickets.”

Kanye was slated to headline this year’s Coachella, but Goldenvoice refused to build a giant dome for Kanye who claimed their current stage was too limiting.

Also, today is March 31, so I’m not sure whether this is a prank or not. If it is a prank, I’m going to have to please ask Kanye not to tell anyone until all the Weekend 1 people exchange tickets for Weekend 2.

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Olivia Jade’s Trademark Application was Denied Because of Her Poor Grammar; If Only There Were Somewhere She Could Have Learned It

The misfortunes keep piling up for Lori Loughlin’s family in the wake of her and her husband’s arrests for bribing their daughters’ way into USC. This is a rock bottom they haven’t imagined since that time Dave Coulier needed a place to stay “until he got back on his feet” and ended up crashing with them for eight seasons. He wasn’t even cast on Full House, he was just literally living on set and they didn’t have the technology at the time to cut him out so they added him to the cast.

Loughlin’s daughter Olivia Jade applied for a trademark on some make-up products and her application was denied because she, among other things, misspelled “makeup”. Yeah. Via People:

The USPTO officials added, “Proper punctuation in identifications is necessary to delineate explicitly each product or service within a list and to avoid ambiguity. Commas, semicolons, and apostrophes are the only punctuation that should be used.”

The letter noted that the “identification of goods” she hopes to trademark “must be clarified” because the language “make up kits” with “moisturizer” and “concealer” is too broad. Products Olivia is looking to trademark include, “make up kits comprised of moisturizer, primer, concealer, foundation, make-up powder, make-up pencils, eye make-up, eyeshadow, eye liner, mascara, blush, highlighter, bronzer, make-up setting spray lipstick lip gloss, lip stains, make-up remover.”

It is a real shame that Olivia never went to a place where they taught you how to use commas, semicolons and apostrophes. Like some sort of snooty private school or one of the top colleges in the country.

But honestly, Olivia Jade didn’t need to go to school to learn how to write so that her trademark request didn’t get rejected. She’s rich; what she needed was to hire a trademark lawyer to review her application before she sent it in. And if she did hire one of those, she needs to hire a litigator to sue said trademark lawyer for being bad at his job. Why even bother to send this dullard to college at all, much less go to the extent of bribing a rowing coach to get her into one of the top schools in the country. Well, there was a really interesting opinion piece on that in The New York Times Magazine that explains the mindset, and it’s because getting her kids into USC made Lori Loughlin think she was a good mother.

They did not wind up raising enviable, academically extraordinary children, but they’ve fudged the results so they can drop “U.S.C.” in conversations instead of “A.S.U.” Some went to comical lengths to hide these interventions from their children, while others, including Olivia’s parents, supposedly involved the kids, letting them know the exact distance between what they were getting and what they deserved. When these parents celebrated their success, you might imagine they were reacting not with pride but with relief: They had managed to prevent their kids from messing up the paths they had planned for them.

You can buy your way into school, but you can’t buy your way into talent. For example, Rod Stewart’s daughter Kimberly Stewart went to an elite prep school and then spent years and years training with some of the best acting coaches in the world, and that work paid off for her in the form of a guest spot on a sitcom that didn’t last an entire season and a James Toback movie. After that she did what she and Olivia Jade should have done from the beginning and became a “socialite,” which is a polite term for “idle rich” like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. It’s basically the only thing they’re qualified to do.

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Why is ‘Avengers: Endgame’ 3 Hours Long? Has God Truly Abandoned Us?

Avengers: Endgame is coming to theaters on April 26 and by all accounts you’re going to be in that theater until the sun goes red giant and engulfs the Earth because this movie is going to be over three hours long. Seriously. AMC Theaters briefly had the 182 minute runtime on their website and it was tweeted by Fandango as well.

What fresh hell is this? Keep in mind that this is just the second part of the last movie which ended at the all is lost moment, which is sort of towards the end of act two structurally. All that’s left is the Dark Night of the Soul, the Break Into Three and the Finale. How do I know that’s how it’s going to be structured? Because there have been 20 Marvel movies and every one of them has followed Blake Snyder’s beat sheet from Save the Cat! basically to the minute and they fired Edgar Wright from Ant-Man basically because a group of comic book writers thought he wasn’t following it closely enough.

Actually, I might be wrong, because if you consider Avengers: Infinity War to be a movie about Thanos and not The Avengers then it actually follows Snyder’s beat sheet to the letter as well. So I guess the set-up to Endgame is half the world is dead and the catalyst will be some way to change it and we’re going to have to go on the whole hero’s journey again because they think they can top “Thanos killed half the population of the universe” as an all is lost moment.

Is this runtime good news to anyone, though? Did any one of you see that Endgame is going to be three hours long and go “Awesome!” and not “ugh”?

And that’s not to say that long movies are bad. Kill Bill is somewhere in the neighborhood of four hours long and it is great from start to finish. It’s actually better as a single four-hour movie than two separate movies because of the way Tarantino front-loads the action in his films and uses the back half for slower plot resolution. As two movies, Kill Bill is the best action movie ever made and Kill Bill 2 is a long soliloquy from David Carradine. The Hateful Eight also has a runtime of 187 minutes, but there isn’t a single second that’s wasted. Does anyone think Endgame will play out similarly? I sure don’t.

Not that I think Endgame is going to be a bad movie; Marvel’s films are so formulaic (and I showed you the formula) that they basically run the gamut from “just okay” to “good but not great.” If you were giving them letter grades, they all fall somewhere between a B- and a B+. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but a three hour run time for a popcorn flick is just… indulgent. Ask DC.

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Barbra Streisand Spent Her Weekend Trying to Walk Back Saying That Michael Jackson Having Sex With Kids Was Basically Fine

When you’re as famous as Barbra Streisand, there are very few things you can say or do that will jeopardize that celebrity, but probably at the top of the list is doing an interview where you say “Hmm, you know, having sex with children is really no big deal, if you think about it.”

Babs did an interview with The Sunday Times who really know how to bury a lede because the headline they went with was “Barbra Streisand at 76: dog cloning, art collecting and being a grandma” but what she said was “His sexual needs were his sexual needs, coming from whatever childhood he has or whatever DNA he has,” and “You can say ‘molested,’ but those children, as you heard them say, they were thrilled to be there. They both married and they both have children, so it didn’t kill them.” Holy shit. That’s as close as you can come to saying it’s okay to molest kids without actually saying it.

As you can imagine, she wanted to walk that back immediately. She’d have tried to make it disappear from the internet if it wasn’t for the something effect. I forget what it’s called. Anyway, she tweeted what wasn’t an apology but more along the lines of an “I misspoke, I didn’t mean to say raping children is awesome.”

Of course, it was Twitter legend Dril, basically the only good Twitter account, who encapsulated this whole mess better than anyone else could have.

Yeah,. we’re going to have to rename the Streisand effect, because I think it just moved from being “when you bring attention to something no one knew about by trying to make it disappear” to “when you do an interview with a major media outlet and you accidentally defend pedophilia.” It’s also known as “pulling a Milo Yiannopoulos” if you’re a fan of Joe Rogan’s podcast.

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R.I.P. 20th Century Fox, All Hail Disney, Owners of all Media

As of 12:02 a.m. today, 20th Century Fox is no more, it’s now just a part of Disney. To most of the public, this means that the X-Men and Fantastic Four are about to take over the Marvel Cinematic Universe and Deadpool gets a fun little hat.

Here’s what’s really going to happen: 4,000 people are going to lose their jobs and one company now controls basically all of entertainment. And that company wants people to think if it as being “family-friendly” and basically only makes PG or PG-13 films, something they doubled down on when they sold Miramax, although they refused to let Miramax release Fahrenheit 9/11 and Dogma when they did own them, so that’s the future of the studio that now owns half of all movies; they will not release anything edgy or controversial.

For the most part, anyway. Disney recently rehired James Gunn as the director of Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 and said they would continue making R-rated Deadpool movies, because given the choice between their family friendly image and making a guaranteed billion dollars, they would like the billion dollars please.

One thing to look for is an announcement in the coming days and weeks of the fate of Fox’s final X-Men film, The New Mutants. I would be shocked if this movie played in more than 6 theaters. It is a horror film with a lesbian couple in it, there is just no way Disney screens that. They have carefully cut any reference to characters not being 100% heterosexual from every Marvel movie that directors have included them in, and I’m pretty sure the only gay characters in any Marvel TV or film property is in Runaways, which they’ve basically buried on Hulu with no promotion. I saw more commercials for Cloak and Dagger. Fox actually has 12 movies scheduled to come out this year, and Disney may pull some or all of them, like the R-Rated Kingsman sequel scheduled for November.

By the way, this merger creating the largest media conglomerate in the history of the world, was basically only done so Disney could launch a streaming service with enough content to rival Netflix. The fact that Fox was squatting on the film rights to properties Disney really wanted was just sweetening the deal, they could have bought those back for way less than $70 billion.

Streaming is really a battle for the future of entertainment right now, everything revolves around streaming. There is no one on the planet who thinks that cable television works better than Netflix, aside from not asking you if you’re still watching every twenty minutes. $13 a month to just watch what you want, when you want with no commercials is much better than $200 a month to watch only what’s on and 1/3 of it is commercials. But it’s also a much more limited space, people aren’t going to pay for five or ten streaming services, most of them are going to get choked out of the market. I’m looking at you CBS All Access and DC Universe. No one loves you. Warner Brothers is actually trying to launch a second streaming service on top of DC Universe. So Disney wants to come out strong with Disney+, so much so that they’re ending the “Disney Vault” to put all their movies on it (aside from Song of the South, I’m sure) and they bought an entire other movie and TV studio to make it work.

So when there’s six corporations left and they’ve replaced governments, remember that it all started because Bob Iger didn’t think Darkwing Duck could compete with Netflix.

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Paris Jackson Attempted Suicide by Slitting Her Wrists

Sad news on the Paris Jackson front. Jackson allegedly attempted suicide because Michael Jackson was supposedly a pedophile and Leaving Neverland is making sure people know. The pressure got to Jackson. That’s what TMZ says.

Law enforcement sources tell us police and EMS responded to Paris’ LA home at 7:30 AM. We’re told Michael Jackson’s only daughter slit her wrists. Our sources say she was transported to a hospital and placed on 5150 hold. She’s currently in stable condition.

Sources with knowledge tell us Paris did this in direct response to the allegations made against her father in “Leaving Neverland” — a documentary in which Wade Robson and James Safechuck accuse MJ of molesting them as children.

Since Michael Jackson isn’t here to defend himself, now it’s left to Paris and Blanket Jackson to confront the media, the “fans”, the online hate. Too bad Michael’s worst crime wasn’t bribing a random college crew coach to get her into college.

Leaving Neverland is the recently released HBO special where two Jackson victims, Wade Robson and James Safechuck, tell their stories.  Both say they were molested by Michael Jackson. I haven’t seen the documentary yet, but ran across a description of one scene. Robson retells a story of abuse by Michael:

…he [Wade Robson] was 7 when Michael began abusing him, describing a grim scenario in which he was naked on all fours at the edge of the bed, poised — trapped — between his idol, who was masturbating to him, and a cutout of Peter Pan…

People make jokes about their parents having sex, imagine dealing with something like this.

So if your father was one of the greatest performers of all-time, put on a pedestal by millions, yet there were all these rumors of child molestation and people attacked and mocked you because of it, and you’re not even 21 yet, would you want to kill yourself? Let’s just say, it’s totally understandable. She doesn’t deserve it.

Let’s all agree to go back and pick on YouTubers and spoiled college kids instead, shall we?

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J.K. Rowling Reiterates How Gay Dumbledore Is and How She Plans To Never Show That in any ‘Harry Potter’ Work

J.K. Rowling wants you to know that Dumbledore is gay. What she doesn’t want to do is write him as a gay character in any piece of media she’s written for the Harry Potter series. Even when his romantic and sexual relationship with a man forms the core of an entire movie, Rowling wants to not show it in any way and then talk about how important it is on the commentary track.

Here’s what Rowling said, via Vanity Fair:

“It was passionate, and it was a love relationship,” she said of the characters (played on-screen by Jude Law and Johnny Depp). “But as happens in any relationship, gay or straight or whatever label we want to put on it, one never knows really what the other person is feeling. You can’t know, you can believe you know.”

She added that she personally was “less interested in the sexual side, though I believe there is a sexual dimension to this relationship, than I am in the sense of the emotions they felt for each other, which ultimately is the most fascinating thing about all human relationships.”

I don’t know why Rowling keeps doing this, but at this point it feels almost pathological. She wants to be so progressive and have everyone praise her for how diverse her books are, but she doesn’t actually write diverse books. If she’s so interested in the emotional relationship between Dumbledore and Grindelwald, why doesn’t she explore that in the two hours and thirteen minutes that The Crimes of Grindelwald ran for?

I’ll tell you why: money. See, there’s still a stigma around having gay characters in children’s books and movies (though judging by Twitter the average Harry Potter reader is a 42-year-old white woman who just drank half a bottle of pumpkin spice merlot) so Rowling doesn’t want to actually have a gay character in her series. But gay people have money too and want representation, so if she just tells hem that Harry Potter is full of gay characters who are running around being gay just off page, maybe she can get their money, too.

What’s surprising is she’s kept this grift up for so long. It’s been like a decade of Rowling telling us how gay Dumbledore is while writing movies where he is not in any way gay. That’s even longer than The Simpsons made gay jokes about SMithers while insisting he wasn’t gay in interviews.

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Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin Arrested in College Admissions Bribery Sting

Today has not been a great day for rich white ladies trying to bend the rules to their favor. Felicity Huffman and Lori Loughlin were both caught in a college admissions bribery scheme that is off the rails insane and could land them in prison for a long time. It won’t, neither is likely to spend a single day in prison, but they could potentially face years.

Both actresses actions were a little different, so let me go over what happened. Let’s start with Huffman (and William H. Macy, who is mentioned but unindicted). What Felicity Huffman did was pay $15,000 to a fake charity in exchange for helping her daughter cheat on the SAT. They sent the girl to an SAT proctor who was in on the scheme, got her extra time with a fake disability, fed her answers and corrected wrong answers on her test after she handed it it in. Her score went up 400 points from the PSATs. It’s kind of boring, honestly, just run of the mill cheating.

Luckily, Lori Loughlin’s story is much more interesting. She and her husband Mossimo Giannulli, who was also arrested, paid half a million dollars to have their two daughters recruited by the USC crew team. That’s rowing. She pretended to be a coxswain, which is a real thing. They even staged photos of them on rowing machines to show the admissions board.

This was apparently pretty common, faking admissions on the basis of joining some team in a sport no one has ever heard of like crew or lacrosse or soccer.

In case you were worried, though, the Department of Justice wants to make sure you know that this is different from donating a building to a college, that’s still perfectly legal.

By the way, that’s how Jared Kushner, President Trump’s son-in-law, got into Harvard; his dad donated $2.5 million to the school. This is entirely legal, by the way. So if you want to bribe your kid’s way into the Ivies, make sure you’re writing the bribe directly to the school; bribing an intermediary to cheat is still illegal. College admissions are tricky like that.

Coxswain. Still funny.

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Meghan McCain Got Owned so Hard on Twitter She Had to Call in Sick to ‘The View’

Last week, Meghan McCain broke down in tears on The View because congresswoman Ilhan Omar said she didn’t like being expected to pledge loyalty to Israel in order to do her job as an elected official. McCain, and a lot of people called this anti-Semitic because that line of attack has worked in England and France so why not give it try. McCain is not Jewish, but she was so upset because she’s friends with Joe Lieberman, who is just the worst. Lieberman is most famous for fighting to keep health insurance expensive and to ban violent video games or something.

A Jewish cartoonist replied to her with this cartoon, which McCain called anti-Semitic.

Again, Eli Valley is Jewish, Meghan McCain isn’t. It’s important when you see the next tweet.

It didn’t go well for Meghan.

This particular image from The Princess Bride got posted so many times, yo. So many.

This was all too much to bear, and so on Monday, Meghan called in sick from The View. It did not stop the dunks.

I wish this sort of thing happened more often. Like specifically to McCain.

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Conor McGregor Arrested for Robbery

Conor McGregor’s ego getting ahead of him. The UFC star was arrested in Miami Beach for strong-armed robbery and misdemeanor criminal mischief.

The arrest came after McGregor allegedly grabbed and smashed a fan’s phone. The guy was taking photos of McGregor outside the Fontainebleau Miami Beach hotel.

Unlike his bus window smashing incident, this does not appear staged.

His attorney said:

“Last evening Conor McGregor was involved a minor altercation over a cell phone that resulted in a call to law enforcement. Mr. McGregor appreciates the response of law enforcement and pledges his full cooperation.”

TMZ has more:

…the owner of the phone was walking out of the hotel at the same time as Conor and as the fan attempted to take a photo, Conor slapped the victim’s phone out of his hand, causing it to fall to the ground. McGregor then allegedly stomped on the phone several times, damaging it.

Conor then walked away with his phone. Haha. Ok. He should’ve taken a pic of his balls and mailed the phone back to him.

So, basically, an overzealous fan got into McGregor’s face, thought he deserved a photo and now has many, smaller pieces of a phone instead of one big phone.

Some fans can be worse than paparazzi. I get celebs are celebs because fans put them there. Do they owe fans anything? Maybe a little. But that doesn’t mean shoving a flash into their face and thinking they owe you.

He’s currently held on $12,500 bail which is pennies to him, so not sure why he hasn’t been bailed out yet.

Dana White must be salivating over this. More press for Conor, more ways to hype a fighter who is on the decline.

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Alex Trebek Has Stage Four Pancreatic Cancer

This has been kind of a shitty week. Luke Perry died. King Kong Bundy died. Prodigy frontman Keith Flint died. The Kardashians are going to live forever just to spite us. And Hannah Gadsby is getting another Netflix special. On top of all of that (and keep in mind it’s only Thursday) Alex Trebek has stage four pancreatic cancer.

This doesn’t mean Trebek going to die, stage four is the worst and it means that the cancer spread beyond the organ it developed in, but that doesn’t mean it’s always fatal. Still, it’s not good. But Trebek isn’t giving up hope and he says he’s going to beat it. He delivered the news himself, from the set of Jeopardy!, on the official Jeopardy! YouTube channel.

“Hi everyone, I have some news to share with all of you and it’s in keeping with my longtime policy of being open and transparent with our Jeopardy! fan base. I also wanted to prevent you from reading or hearing some overblown or inaccurate reports regarding my health. So therefore, I wanted to be the one to pass along this information. Now, just like 50,000 other people in the United States each year, this week I was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer.

Now normally, the prognosis for this is not very encouraging, but I’m going to fight this, and I’m going to keep working. And with the love and support of my family and friends and with the help of your prayers also, I plan to beat the low survival rate statistics for this disease. Truth told, I have to! Because under the terms of my contract, I have to host Jeopardy! for three more years! So help me. Keep the faith and we’ll win. We’ll get it done. Thank you.”

Alex Trebek is something of an institution on television. And I thought instead of being sad

I love this clip the most because that fist woman is so insane, and Alex keeps it together through her whole “I worship Dana Scully on the internet” thing but just loses it when that woman smiles and calls him insensitive.

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McDonalds is Safe Again, R. Kelly is Back in Jail

R. Kelly just made bail and he’s already back in prison. The man barely had time to fraternize with teenage girls at McDonalds and now CNN reports he’s rotting away in prison just because he’s a little behind on his child support. But what’s $160,000 between former lovers? And his youngest kid is like, 17. That’s old enough to marry R. Kelly. Almost too old.

Supporters are working to get Kelly, 52, out of jail by next Wednesday, publicist Darrell Johnson told reporters at the Richard J. Daley Center.

Johnson said once someone pays the $161,000, Kelly will be freed from jail.

“Supporters.” “Someone.” This mother fucker is going to have a gofundme to get him out of jail, isn’t he?

If you want to see that publicist’s whole impromptu presser, comedian Deon Cole, of all people, uploaded it to Twitter.

What did he do with all that ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ money? I couldn’t get away from that song when it came out. It was like the song was R. Kelly and I was a teenage girl.

All Robert really managed to do while he was out was give an interview with Gayle King that instantly made him into a meme.

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Redesigning TripAdvisor for Problematic Rape Reviews

A little backstory. Two women have complained about being raped by staff from companies promoted on TripAdvisor. For those who don’t know, TripAdvisor is the go to site for people who realize they’ve yet to plan their vacation even though it’s a week away. This is the site people use to find out what is the most touristy thing to do in a foreign country. It usually contains a helpful ranking of sights to see and things to do in order of most annoyingly crowded to why is this even on here?

Anyway, back to the two women who were sexually assaulted. In emails shown to The Guardian, one of the woman, identified only as “K”, contacted TripAdvisor to let them know one of their tour guides is a rapist. This was after K told the hotel and filed a police report.

Instead of removing the business or issuing a warning on the page, TripAdvisor, in all their corporate wisdom, suggested she leave a review detailing the assault. Oh, and if she could do it in the first-person it would be better. TripAdvisor does not allow third-person rape reviews. TripAdvisor even sent her 5 helpful examples of other rape reviews she could use as a template. I imagine these were the creme de la creme of TripAdvisor rape reviews with multiple thumbs ups.

The Guardian went on to uncover another 40 examples of reviews describing sexual assault, rape and groping. A spokesperson for TripAdvisor said it is a “horrible tragedy when someone experiences a safety issue like a sexual or physical assault. TripAdvisor exists as an informational review platform for travelers to post their experiences, including incidents of traveler safety. Having a business listing on our platform isn’t an endorsement of that business.” They went on to explain that they’ve left these businesses up so others can read the rape reviews and choose to avoid it.

Of course, one problem is these rape reviews are unable to be discovered as most of the time they’re buried underneath reviews like “Great service” and “The tap water wasn’t Evian.”

Because of this, I’ve taken it upon myself to provide a few product ideas that may solve the problems of both the victims and TripAdvisor.

Filter reviews by rape

This is a no-brainer. One of the major concerns of women who browse TripAdvisor is whether or not they will be sexually assaulted if they go here. Not only will this help women quickly identify problematic destinations, but it’ll also alert them to what kind of sexual assault takes place there. Is it something like groping or more serious like premeditated rape? This filter will help you find out!

Sort businesses by least chance of being raped in

This is for those who don’t have time to read individual reviews but just want to know of places where they’re least likely to be raped in. They can then plan accordingly.

Best rape review of the month

If TripAdvisor must have their users relive their personal hell by writing a detailed account of how they were raped in an establishment promoted on the page just so they can warn others, then they might as well give recognition for the best story.

Discounts for rapey businesses

Finally, it’s not just about the users, but also the businesses. Is this business known for their sexual assaults? User studies have shown many people avoid places like these so they’re going to need some help boosting their revenue. Why not provide discounts to attract more customers? This is a win-win.

If you’re reading this TripAdvisor, feel free to implement any of these features. You don’t even have to give me credit.

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You Know That ‘Beverly Hills 90210’ Reboot? Yea, Luke Perry Died, Not Gonna Happen

Luke Perry is dead. There is no god.

Perry, 52, suffered a massive stroke last week at his Sherman Oaks home. Medics transported him to a nearby hospital. Since then, there hasn’t been much word about what happened.

We still don’t know the details, but that stroke was too powerful for Dylan. Boo.

He beat back colon cancer in 2015, but wasn’t so fortunate this time around.

Perry is known as Archie’s dad, Fred Andrews, on Riverdale, but as Shannon Doherty said when she heard the news of Dylan’s stroke, “It’s Luke, and he’s my Dylan.” He’ll always be Dylan to us.

Perry starred as the heartthrob Dylan on the original Beverly Hills 90210. There was talk of a revival, but unless they get Luke Perry the Hologram to star, it ain’t happening.

His rep gave a statement confirming Perry’s death:

Actor Luke Perry, 52, passed away today after suffering a massive stroke. He was surrounded by his children Jack and Sophie, fiancé Wendy Madison Bauer, ex-wife Minnie Sharp, mother Ann Bennett, step-father Steve Bennett, brother Tom Perry, sister Amy Coder, and other close family and friends. The family appreciates the outpouring of support and prayers that have been extended to Luke from around the world, and respectfully request privacy in this time of great mourning.  No further details will be released at this time.

I’m sure the 90210 cast is heartbroken, especially Tori Spelling, who can forget about any 90210 reboot money saving her from bankruptcy.

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Porn Star Adriana Chechik Was Giving Out Blow Jobs at the Newsworthy Deja Voom Festival

Deja Voom is Bassnectar’s destination EDM festival that took place February 27 to March 1. The lineup featured artists such as Elohim, Rezz, Glitch Mob, and Claude Vonstroke. It also featured one porn star named Adriana Chechik who flew there and gave out free blow jobs. Chechik made the announcement last Monday.

And she wasn’t lying. Someone at the festival filmed a woman going down on a guy at the festival on Thursday. NSFW video below.

Her face wasn’t visible so I did what any reporter worth their salt would do. I headed to Google to do some extensive research. I finished 30 seconds later and have concluded that this may in fact be Adriana Chechik giving a bj at Deja Voom.

It also looks like she confirmed it.

Turns out I didn’t have to do all that research but what’s done is done.

In other Deja Voom news, the festival brought in drug sniffing dogs to go through people’s hotel rooms because, this may come as a shock to you, but there may have been some drug use at the festival.

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9021-Oh No! Luke Perry Suffers Massive Stroke

Bad news for 90210 fans everywhere. Luke Perry suffered a massive stroke today. TMZ reports emergency services were called to his Sherman Oaks home. They then took him to a nearby hospital because he had a huge stroke. No details yet what caused it.

The 52-year-old Perry is known as Fred Andrews, Archie’s Dad, on Riverdale. His biggest claim to fame though was being part of the teen series Beverly Hills 90210 back in the 1990’s.

90210 recently was in talks to reboot, but Perry’s stroke has something to say about that. The entire 90210 cast was filmed in December grabbing coffee and meeting with writers, producers and reps for Amazon, Hulu and Netflix.

How will they reboot 90210 without Luke Perry? Perhaps they could actually write his stroke into the storyline. That first episode will do massive ratings.

They even wanted to remake about the remaking of 90210.

This is bad news for Tori Spelling also. She and husband Dean McDermott are always one late credit card payment away from bankruptcy it seems. They recently met up with their bank over a $205,000 debt. I bet $180,000 of that was for plastic surgery.

There were even rumors that she was going to release a sex tape to get some money.

Thoughts and prayers to Luke Perry for a quick recovery, so that we don’t have to see Tori Spelling naked.

The post 9021-Oh No! Luke Perry Suffers Massive Stroke appeared first on The Blemish.