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The ‘Cats’ Trailer is Here and – OH GOD NO! Burn It! Burn It With Cleansing Fire!

I’m going to be real with you here for a minute; I knew the Cats movie was going to bad. I warned you it was going to be bad. Basically no matter what they did it was going to be bad because Cats the musical is already bad. But even I didn’t expect it to be this bad.

If this doesn’t become the most disliked video on YouTube I’m changing my opinion on the Ghostbusters trailer.

What’s with Jellicle Taylor Swift acting all sexy? Am I supposed to want to fuck Taylor Swift as a cat? Because I don’t even hate myself enough to want to fuck Taylor Swift as a human.

Seriously, no one likes Cats. The people in Cats don’t even like Cats, they just couldn’t get cast in one of those shitty jukebox musicals like Jersey Boys, an experience that’s almost as good as staying home and listening to The Best of the Four Seasons on Spotify.

Well, okay, one person likes Cats.

When people started tweeting about how Donald Trump loves Cats I thought it was a joke because of how terrible the trailer looks but it’s true.

Yeah, by the way, while you were all writing articles about Idris Elba should be the next James Bond, he was doing this. You Still want that? You want to live in a world where James Bond and M were both shitty CGI cats? I don’t want to live in that world. It’s bad enough Magneto is in this. How am I supposed to watch Vicious and take Ian McKellan seriously as a bitter but ultimately good-hearted old gay man now that I’ve seen him like this?

I know I joke around a lot, but I want to say, seriously, from the bottom of my heart, that this movie is going to be terrible. There are so many good movies out there you probably haven’t seen. Have you seen Easy A? How about The Searchers? What about Rashomon? Toshiro Mifune acts like a cat in that, probably better than Dwight from The Office does, and you’ll understand the structure of so many TV sitcoms after you see it. Yeah, there was a Rashomon episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and you didn’t even realize it. Go see that instead of this, it’ll only cost you $4 and you won’t want to claw your eyes out afterwards.

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Yahoo Called Chris Pratt a Nazi For Basically No Reason

A lot of people are very mad at Chris Pratt for not openly sharing their exact political and religious views. Personally, I had figured out that he and I are very different people when he said in an interview that he spent his entire first paycheck from Everwood on things from the Cabella’s catalogue.

Not that being outdoorsy means that you’re going to be politically conservative; my father was outdoorsy and he supported Democrats because he thought they were better on environmental issues. And Chris Pratt is good friends with Nick Offerman, who is famously left-wing and outdoorsy.

Chris Pratt doesn’t actually talk about politics basically ever. Everything you think you know about Pratt’s politics you’ve made up in your head based on the fact that he’s a Christian, he’s outdoorsy, and his father-in-law Arnold Schwarzenegger is a moderate Republican.

I’ve never seen any contributions to political campaigns from Pratt, he gives his money to causes for sick and underprivileged children. He doesn’t go out on the campaign trail for anyone, he just goes to the hospital to visit sick kids.

But people have some weird desire to unmask him as a secretly horrible person. There’s this “we’re going to bring this fucker down a peg and no one will want their terminally ill child to meet Star-Lord anymore!” mentality I just don’t understand.

The latest version of this is people calling Pratt a secret white supremacist, specifically Yahoo News, though they later admitted they were wrong.

Update: This article was updated on 17 July with the initial headline, ’Chris Pratt criticised for ‘white supremacist’ T-shirt’ being amended to ‘Chris Pratt criticised for T-shirt choice.’ References to White Supremacism in this article have been removed.

No, you stand by your dumb bullshit, Yahoo. I had to go on the internet and see that I agreed with tiny idiot Ben Shapiro about something because of you, so you live with your shame.

Yahoo built their story around tweets like this.

As I mentioned earlier, Chris Pratt doesn’t talk about politics at all. Also, there’s a cottage industry of journalists falling for dumb bullshit 4chan’s /pol/ board cooks up and some racist dipshit will make the okay sign and we’ll get an endless spate of articles with headlines like “The secret racist message hidden on your pizza box.”

Chris Pratt’s t-shirt is a reference to a Revolutionary War era motto featured on a flag called the Gasden Flag. It’s completely innocuous, and I know we’re re-examining the Revolutionary Era and the Founding Fathers owned slaves and that’s bad, but we were the good guys in the Revolutionary War. The Redcoats were actually bad guys. There was that whole Boston Massacre and everything. They weren’t perfect, but this is not the same as a Confederate Battle Standard.

But at the end of the day, this is just more manufactured outrage, sort of like that The Little Mermaid thing from last week. These things almost only get big when there are a very small number of people angry about a thing and a large number of people angry at those people. This one was just particularly silly because, one last time, say it with me, Chris Pratt isn’t political at all.

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It’s Emmy Nomination Day, Another Big Year For Networks That Let You Say ‘Fuck’

I feel like the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences is mainly comprised of teenagers, because for at least five years the way to get an Emmy nom is to be on a show where you can either say fuck or show boobs. Preferably both.

Don’t believe me? HBO had a record number of nominations for a single network, 137, most of them going to the final season of Game of Thrones which everyone hated. Seriously, it was nominated for 32 Emmys, also a record. The Big Bang Theory, which also ended at the same time and had more viewers, got a total of three nominations, all for minor technical awards.

Let’s not forget Jim Parsons has won four Best Lead Actor awards for this show and then suddenly started getting shut out completely for Veep, which… fair, but most other nominees aren’t even comedies. Same with Modern Family, which has a lifetime 80 nominations and 22 wins including 5 for Best Comedy, and was completely shut out of the Primetime awards this year without a single nomination. Maybe it’s not as good as it used to be, but if nothing else Ty Burrell deserves a nod, especially since all the cast members submit as supporting actors and not leads.

Let’s take a look at the nominees.

Outstanding Comedy Series

  • Barry
  • Fleabag
  • The Good Place
  • The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
  • Russian Doll
  • Schitt’s Creek
  • Veep

Outstanding Drama Series

  • Better Call Saul
  • Bodyguard
  • Game of Thrones
  • Killing Eve
  • Ozark
  • Pose
  • Succession
  • This Is Us

The first thing you might notice is that if you don’t have HBO and Netflix you’ve probably never heard of any of these shows. And a lot of the comedies should probably be dramas. Like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. I like that show, but it’s not a comedy, it’s a drama about a comic. Fleabag, The Good Place, Schitt’s Creek and Veep are all great comedies, though GLOW really should have been nominated. And if Game of Thrones got a nod then Modern Family should have, too, because we’re clearly just nominating shows because we’ve been watching them for a long time at this point.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series

  • Jason Bateman, Ozark
  • Sterling K. Brown, This Is Us
  • Kit Harington, Game of Thrones
  • Bob Odenkirk, Better Call Saul
  • Billy Porter, Pose
  • Milo Ventimiglia, This Is Us

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series

  • Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
  • Jodie Comer, Killing Eve
  • Viola Davis, How to Get Away with Murder
  • Laura Linney, Ozark
  • Sandra Oh, Killing Eve
  • Mandy Moore, This Is Us
  • Robin Wright, House of Cards

House of Cards? Really? I know, it’s not their fault Kevin Spacey is a dick grabber, but that show was not the same without him.

Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series

  • Anthony Anderson, black-ish
  • Don Cheadle, Black Monday
  • Ted Danson, The Good Place
  • Michael Douglas, The Kominsky Method
  • Bill Hader, Barry
  • Eugene Levy, Schitt’s Creek

Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series

  • Christina Applegate, Dead to Me
  • Rachel Brosnahan, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
  • Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
  • Natasha Lyonne, Russian Doll
  • Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Fleabag
  • Catherine O’Hara, Schitt’s Creek

If Julia Louis-Dreyfus doesn’t win this category, I will eat my hat. It’s hard to say who should win best actor, I’m torn between Ted Danson and Eugene Levy, but I have a sneaking suspicion Bill Hader is going to be the actual winner.

Outstanding Reality Competition

  • The Amazing Race
  • Nailed It!
  • American Ninja Warrior
  • RuPaul’s Drag Race
  • Top Chef
  • The Voice

I don’t know if you’ve seen Nailed It! on Netflix, but you really need to, and it absolutely needs to win this category. Nailed It! is sort of like Cupcake Wars or Chopped, only the competitors are all terrible at baking and given an impossible timeframe so they’re guaranteed to fail horribly. Also, every time Sylvia Weinstock is on as a guest judge he wanders around the set and steals a pot or pan or something, and that’s just really worth seeing all on its own.

Outstanding Variety/Sketch Series

  • At Home with Amy Sedaris
  • Documentary Now
  • Drunk History
  • I Love You, America with Sarah Silverman
  • Saturday Night Live
  • Who Is America

Anyone who thinks the most recent season of Saturday Night Live deserved an Emmy nomination over I Think You Should Leave should be drug out into the street and shot. Seriously, is this a joke to you, Academy of Television Arts and Sciences? You need to take this seriously. I Think You Should Leave is clearly all sketches rejected from Saturday Night Live for being actually funny and not leaving time for some dumbass joke about wanting to blow Robert Mueller.

I’m not even going to go over the Supporting Actor and Actress categories; basically everyone nominated is either from Game of Thrones or Barry. If you don’t like those shows, I guess you can go fuck yourself. You know Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt was eligible this year, you don’t think Tituss Burgess is as good as yet another guy from from Barry?

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Grimes Removed Part of Her Eyeball for Depression

Adidas tapped Grimes, real name Claire Boucher, for their latest advertising campaign by Stella McCartney. She wasted no time in taking the opportunity to post her training regime in order to promote the brand. It’s pretty thorough.

ADIDAS: Tell us about ur training regiment ?

GRIMES: My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions – past, present, and future.

In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew, we go over the fundamentals that work the obliques, core stabilizes, and triceps as well as a few tricks. To wind down from this I spend 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout.

I then spend 45 minutes stretching before heading into the studio where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s (which is my preferred range for my blood type). I’ve outfitted my studio with the highest grade of red light. It is pretty much 1000 sqf IR Sauna.

Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes while I slow boil the honey tea that maximizes vocal proficiency.

I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.

I go to bed with a humidifier on.

Twitter’s Jack Dorsey just read this and squinted really hard. Partly because he suspects there’s someone from his camp secretly feeding Grimes his daily regime and partly because his eye is rejecting the orange ultra-flex polymer he put in it.

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ADIDAS: Tell us about ur training regimen ? GRIMES: My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to “astro-glide” to other dimensions – past, present, and future. In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew, we go over the fundamentals that work the obliques, core stabilizes, and triceps as well as a few tricks. To wind down from this I spend 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout. I then spend 45 minutes stretching before heading into the studio where my mind and body are functioning at peak level, with a neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s (which is my preferred range for my blood type). I’ve outfitted my studio with the highest grade of red light. It is pretty much 1000 sqf IR Sauna. Hana then comes over and we do a screaming session for 20-25 minutes while I slow boil the honey tea that maximizes vocal proficiency. I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression. I go to bed with a humidifier on. #asmc #adidasparley #createdwithadidas #gentrifymordor

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ScarJo Tries to Backpedal on ‘I Can Play Anyone’ Comment After Backlash

Scarlett Johansson seems to be constantly embroiled in controversies over the roles she takes in films. There was Rub and Tug, where she was cast as a trans man and eventually left, Ghost in the Shell where she played a Japanese robot, the Avengers where people were very mad Black Widow wasn’t played by an actual Russian assassin/former child soldier and of course no one really believed her in Lucy as a woman who uses 100% of her brain.

While ScarJo has been somewhat contrite about these controversies in the past, it seems like being an internet punchline has caught up with her and she’s sick of it. TMZ reported Johansson is now defiant, saying she should play any role she wants. 

ScarJo opened up about politically correct casting to As If magazine (without directly mentioning her now-debunked role in “Rub and Tug”), saying … “You know, as an actor I should be allowed to play any person, or any tree, or any animal because that is my job and the requirements of my job.”

She added, “I feel like it’s a trend in my business and it needs to happen for various social reasons, yet there are times it does get uncomfortable when it affects the art because I feel art should be free of restrictions,” going on to say … “I think society would be more connected if we just allowed others to have their own feelings and not expect everyone to feel the way we do.” 

That went over about as well as you’d think, and EW reported shortly after that Johansson issued another statement on the quote. 

“The question I was answering in my conversation with the contemporary artist, David Salle, was about the confrontation between political correctness and art,” she continues. “I personally feel that, in an ideal world, any actor should be able to play anybody and Art, in all forms, should be immune to political correctness. That is the point I was making, albeit didn’t come across that way. I recognize that in reality, there is a wide spread discrepancy amongst my industry that favors Caucasian, cis gendered actors and that not every actor has been given the same opportunities that I have been privileged to. I continue to support, and always have, diversity in every industry and will continue to fight for projects where everyone is included.”

Image Comics publisher and Savage Dragon creator Erik Larsen weighed in here with what I think is a really good and often overlooked point: these movies may not be made at all without ScarJo attached.

And there’s a point here, one we also made when first reporting on this story; who is starring in Rub and Tug after Johansson left? When is it going into production? When is it coming to theaters?

Johansson wants to walk this sort of tightrope where she’s saying “Well, of course I want more people of color to get more roles, but in a perfect world I would have been able to Al Jolson my way through Black Panther and I would have been the shuckingest, jivingest Wakandan ever.” She didn’t actually say that, by the way, this is a comedy website. I don’t want to end up on Snopes.

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Kylie Jenner Unleashes Her Naked Summer Body

Kylie Jenner should thank Kim Kardashian for taking Ray J’s dick and making her famous. Kim’s crotch was like a Trojan Horse that the Jenner family piled into and discovered a lifetime of riches. Much like the pyramids and their buried treasures.

Jenner Instagrammed a pic of herself in a sheer top, one hand covering her boobs with her legs coyly crossed and now I’m venturing into erotic literature territory. That sheer top could also be used to catch small fish in the ocean.

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Summer Body 🦋

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If Jason Momoa Is Considered Fat Now, The Rest of Us Should Just Hang It Up

I there’s one thing the internet is basically always talking about, it’s fat shaming. Miley Cyrus recently found the absolute fattest person she could find to post to Instagram and say “This is basically fine.” It’s not fine, you should not be that fat. I get that people are fat, I’m fat, it’s basically fine, but there comes a point where you go from supporting someone to enabling them, and Miley Cyrus is an enabler.

On the other end of the spectrum, Jason Momoa is apparently being fat shamed for not looking like Aquaman 365 days a year.

Here’s what Jason Momoa looks like.

That is neither fat nor dad bod. That is a super in-shape dude who isn’t going to the gym every day because he’s not currently trying to look like a superhero. Here’s how writer, director and Solid Snake voice actor David Hayter explained this on Twitter.

This is what actors (& models & bodybuilders) do. If you see them with razor cut abs, they have been on a low carb, water-reducing diet to get there. You cannot retain that and be healthy.

When we shot WOLVES, Jason asked me, “Do I have to have abs n’ shit for this?”

I said no.

But surprisingly, there were people insulting Momoa here as if he looked like Jared Leto in that movie where he played Mark David Chapman.

“Dad Belly.” “My goodness.” These people have no perspective.

None of us have a chance if this guy is too fat. What I know for sure is that you can be too fat, but the scale for that has Jason Momoa on one side and that Miley Cyrus post way on the other end.

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Aziz Ansari’s Comeback Special ‘Right Now’ is Actually Good

Good news for Louis C.K., Aziz Ansari’s comeback special is on Netflix and it’s actually really funny. Bad news for Louis is that one a scale of 1 to 10 what Aziz did is a 2 at the highest and what he did was jack off in front of every woman he worked with for like, three decades.

But we’ve heard some of Louis’ new material and it was good for an in-progress set.

Now anyone with a Netflix subscription can hear Aziz Ansari’s new material, and I suggest you do because it’s maybe his best set ever.

Aziz starts the set by addressing the elephant in the room, that one time we found out he tried to do weird sex stuff to a girl who was just trying to give him a blowjob, saying basically that the end of his emotional journey was “I feel bad that she felt that way.” Ansari quickly moves on to a punchline, and that sets up the rhythm of his comedy; slow, insightful setups highlighted with loud, excited punchlines.

Aziz’s style has changed a bit. He’s always been a storyteller as a comic, but his act is a lot more muted. His set-ups are softer and more insightful and his punchlines are more subdued. His new material is also a lot more personal than his older work, which had a lot of what I’d define as star fuckin. Instead of bits about meeting Kanye West or seeing Batman with his chubby cousin Harris, Aziz talks about the realization that he doesn’t have a lot of time left with his parents or trying to explain racism to his girlfriend who is from a racially homogenous country. He also spends a good long chunk of the act talking about “woke” culture, which you will either hate or love depending on if the material reminds you of yourself or your most annoying friend.

In fact, Aziz even mentions that joke and how he probably wouldn’t do a whole section about his teenage cousin today, but Harris turned out okay despite Aziz scarring him for life.

The special was directed by Spike Jonze and is very distinctly visually different from his older specials. Ansari isn’t wearing a purple rhinestone suit in this, just black jeans and a Metallica shirt. I don’t want to define the aesthetic as “lo-fi” because I’m not a douchebag, but the use of an on-stage steadicam and the “aged filmstrip” filter the special uses will bring the phrase to mind. Aziz mostly stays on a stool in the center of a stage that’s devoid of the normal backdrop comedy specials use, instead giving a view of people watching the show in the wings behind Ansari.

Basically, Aziz Ansari delivers a special that feels like he’s grown as an artist. His material now is more personal and less silly than his older hours, but his wit is even sharper now. He’s moved beyond “Hey, aren’t rappers weird,” and into a place where he’s being real, and it’s a great way to come back to the scene.

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Who is in Billionaire Pedophile Jeffrey Epstein’s Little Black Book?

If you’ve never heard of Jeffrey Epstein, he’s a hedge fund manager who likes to have sex with children, something that wouldn’t be particularly big news if Epstein didn’t “give rides” to some very famous people.

Epstein was arrested for trafficking underaged girls and Gawker got a hold of his “little black book” with the names and numbers of all his “associates.”

Now, keep in mind that there’s no way to know why these people are in here or why some of them, like President Donald Trump are circled while others, like President Bill Clinton, who flew on Epstein’s plane over 20 times, aren’t. But let’s get into it.

Match Game host Stupid Alec was so stupid. How stupid was he? He was so stupid that he used to hang out with a guy who blanks little girls.

I don’t have clever jokes like that for everyone in the book but come on, how often does that opportunity come up?

Did you like the Rush Hour movies? I did. There probably aren’t going to be anymore because Chris Tucker is in there.

Courtney Love was in there, as was Charlie Rose, which is no surprise. Ralph Fiennes, too. Also Alan Dershowitz, lawyer to the stars, and O.J. Simpson.

And let’s hope for David Blaine’s sake he didn’t make anything disappear on Epstein’s private child rape airplane.

And oh, the politicians. I mentioned Presidents Clinton and Trump, but former British Prime Minister Tony Blair was in the book, too. As was Prince Andrew. Man, maybe we can abolish the royal family for good now. Also, basically every Kennedy. Well, the living ones. But even 91-year-old Ethel Kennedy is in there. Epstein seems like a good fit for the Kennedy family, honestly.

That’s most everyone interesting. Jimmy Buffett was in there but who cares about Jimmy Buffett?

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Social Media Users Suspect Disney May Have Been Behind Fake ‘Little Mermaid’ Outrage

In 2016, when the world got a first look at the upcoming Ghostbusters movie, the reaction was immediately clear: it looked terrible. It quickly became one of the most disliked videos on YouTube

There may have been a myriad of reasons for this, but the main one is that it was a pretty terrible movie. Instead of capturing the charm and wit and character of the original film, it basically tried to be a Marvel movie with a few more jokes. But something weird happened.

People started saying the only reason no one liked this bland, unfunny remake of a beloved film was because the main cast was all women. Suddenly anyone who didn’t like it was a misogynist, and not even Richard Roeper, one of the most respected film critics of our day, was allowed to dislike it without being accused of misogyny.

And then people started saying they were going to see it in the theater just to “teach the misogynists a lesson.”

You might say this didn’t help the film because it did pretty poorly at the box office, only bringing in around $200 million, not even close to making a profit. But Holmes and Watson, a similarly bad film that released late last year, only brought in about $40 million. Ghostbusters had a pretty good opening weekend for a comedy, it just didn’t perform well in the following weeks or overseas because by then the cat was out of the bag that it wasn’t a very good movie despite critics being afraid to say this because after all if they came for Richard Roeper you better believe they’re going to come for Jim Hayseed of the Butthole Falls Fair Dealer.

After Ghostbusters, this kept happening. A small number of people would get mad about something stupid in a movie like Black Panther or Captain Marvel, or even just say “Marvel movies are basically all the same and there are 30 of them, maybe we don’t have to pretend this is a work of cinematic genius and instead we can agree it’s just okay,” and suddenly seeing these movies wasn’t just an okay way to spend a few hours, you were fighting to be on the right side of history by giving Disney your money.

Now Disney has announced that Halle Bailey, who is not Halle Berry but is black, will be playing Ariel in the upcoming Little Mermaid live-action remake and right on time, the trolls are there to be racist about it.

Except they kind of weren’t. I mean, someone started #NotMyAriel ‘movement’ on Twitter, but the account it seems to have started with had a fake profile picture and the only tweets on their account were the new Spider-Man trailer and complaints about The Little Mermaid.

And while #NotMyAriel was trending on Twitter, it didn’t seem like there were many people there at all who were actually complaining. It was an entire hashtag populated by people saying that the people pushing the hashtag were ignorant and wrong with no one seeming to actually have all that much of a problem with it.

And then a theory started to form. Did Disney set this all up to market their film?

That’s another thing: This all happened in the middle of two pretty bad news stories for Disney; they wouldn’t let the father of a recently deceased kid who loved Spider-Man have Spidey’s logo on his tombstone and the announcement that the upcoming live-action Mulan wouldn’t have Mushu or any musical numbers in it.

Now, there’s no actual proof Disney is behind this. If you think I have the resources here to do investigative journalism then you are sadly mistaken about both the scope of my job and this blog. But the conspiracy here does make a lot of sense. Even if people aren’t seeing movies like Captain Marvel to “stick it to the haters” these stories generate a lot of free press. And if no one is going to get outraged and give you an entire news cycle of free coverage, then it would probably be worth it to invent them.

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Emma Portner Absolutely Went OFF on Justin Bieber Over His Treatment of Her as an Employee

Emma Portner, also known as Mrs Ellen Page because no one has actually heard of Emma Portner, took to her Instagram Story recently to launch a broadside attack on Justin Bieber, for whom she worked as a choreographer.

Emma starts with some histrionics that make me almost immediately take Bieber’s side, which, if you’re a regular reader you know is really hard to do. Here’s what she said, though. “I gave your universe my naive body, creativity, time and effort. Twice.”

Okay, let’s settle down, you did some choreography for a pop singer, that ranks just above mime on the artist scale.

She went on to say that Bieber paid her less than minimum wage for her time and she had to work another job. She also said he “degrades” women more than once, but didn’t give any example of how other than the aforementioned low pay.

Then she went into an attack on his church, which is sort of a fashionable thing as is there are any religions that are super LGBT friendly.  Methodists, I guess? Mormons for about a week or two now.

Then she compared Bieber to Chris Brown, which I don’t think is going to make her any friends seeing as how Brown allegedly beat the complete shit out of his girlfriend and Bieber hired you as an independent contractor and goes to a church you don’t like. These things are not really the same at all, and I think it’s pretty offensive to conflate them.

Still, I don’t have a lot of trouble believing (or Beliebing) that Just is a giant asshole. Just don’t remember being accused of beating a woman until she could barely walk is all.

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James Franco is Going to Clear Up This Johnny Depp/Amber Heard Thing

This Johnny Depp and Amber Heard story has been months and months of he said, she said but he probably said the truth because who cuts off their own finger and doesn’t know the difference between human shit and shit from a tiny purse dog? Nobody, that’s who, and your story doesn’t add up.

Now we’re going to hear from someone else on what happened. I mean, we have heard from a bunch of people but none of them are famous so who cares. That’s right, Depp’s lawyers have subpoenaed James Franco, who was on video obtained by The Blast with Heard less than a day after her fight with Depp where he allegedly beat her up and she allegedly faked her injuries with makeup.

Interestingly, the two stars seem to know there is a camera in the elevator (and its location) as they don’t allow for their faces to been seen clearly during the ride.

At one point, Heard is seen moving backward towards Franco, keeping her face away from the camera, and moves in close as she appears to be speaking with him while he keeps his head down.

That’s sketchy as hell to me. So Depp’s lawyers want Franco to testify about what he saw and heard from Heard on the night in question.

Depp’s attorney, Adam Waldman tells The Blast, “We are interested in James Franco and Elon Musk as fact witnesses because we have evidence they are men who saw Amber Heard’s face in the days and nights between when she claimed Mr. Depp smashed her in the face on May 21 and when she went to court with painted on ‘bruises’ to obtain a Temporary Restraining Order on May 27.”

Heard’s lawyers claim it’ a coincidence and Heard and Franco just happened to live in the same building.

Heard’s lawyer, Eric George, tells The Blast, “This bogus story is just another lame attempt by Johnny Depp and his team to spread deliberately misleading information through the media so that he can continue to attack and abuse his ex-wife.”

George continues, “Amber Heard and James Franco once lived in the same apartment complex and were simply taking an elevator at the same time. Period.”

Finally, someone famous can tell us what to think so that we don’t have to think for ourselves.

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Woman Wears Swimsuit Upside-Down, Complains to Company That Her Vagina is Exposed

Ladies, if your swimsuit doesn’t cover your vagina, you might want to consider the possibility you’ve put it on wrong. Because if you just go “Hunh, that’s weird” and walk around a waterpark with your vagina exposed you will be asked to leave and then be embarrassed by your friends on social media when your complaint to the company goes viral.

If that sounds too specific to be a general summertime tip, it’s because this very thing did happen to a Twitter user named Lyndsey.

Don’t you wish you had friends who would tell the entire internet you put your Andre the Giant-style Swimsuit on upside down and showed a boutique fashion label your gusset?

Think Andre ever made that mistake and came to the ring with his singlet on upside down and his cock flapping in the breeze? Probably not, because unlike Lyndsey, Andre could hold his liquor.

Swimsuit or not, why are you getting all the way naked to pee? Just pull the strap off your shoulder and slide it down, keep your legs in the holes.

By the way, how would you like to be the social media person for Pear Swimsuits who had to field this? “Ach, ah wasnae plannin’ on seein’ this dobber’s fanny todae.” See, because they’re all Scottish and therefor their speech is unintelligible to civilised people.

And remember, if you can feel the air on your genitals in public, something has probably gone wrong.

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DeepNude, a New Easy to Use Deepfake App, Appeared and Disappeared in One Day

Deepfakes are back, everybody freak out! This is not a drill, you need to panic about the decline of western civilization. Yes, DeepFakes, the AI-created headswap videos now have a companion, an easy-to-use app that takes a picture of a woman (it only works with women) wearing clothes and turns it into a picture of her not wearing clothes.

Vice reported on this yesterday, and they way over-reacted to what is essentially a digital version of the X-Ray specs you used to be able to buy in the back of comic books for a quarter. The secret was you weren’t really seeing anyone naked, and you’re not really seeing a naked picture with DeepNude. That didn’t stop Vice from running with the headline “This Horrifying App Undresses a Photo of Any Woman With a Single Click.

Okay, let’s dial it back, this is basically a party trick.

Basically, this is a Windows app where you feed it a photo and it uses its AI to remove the clothing, something people have been doing with photoshop for decades. This is different from earlier use of the deepfake technology because that was used to replace faces in videos leaving bodies in tact.

I will never be able to get over the reaction to this technology which, as I’ve mentioned, Hollywood has had for like ten years. Some idiot in the House of Representatives even went so far as to propose a law requiring deepfake videos to have watermarks, something that can’t possibly be constitutional. Here’s how Vice overreacted.

Motherboard showed the DeepNude application to Hany Farid, a computer-science professor at UC Berkeley who has become a widely-cited expert on the digital forensics of deepfakes. Farid was shocked at this development, and the ease at which it can be done.

“We are going to have to get better at detecting deepfakes, and academics and researchers are going to have to think more critically about how to better safeguard their technological advances so that they do not get weaponized and used in unintended and harmful ways,” Farid said. “In addition, social media platforms are going to have to think more carefully about how to define and enforce rules surrounding this content. And, our legislators are going to have to think about how to thoughtfully regulate in this space.”

Here’s the thing: I’m not sure a single law against posting actual nude pictures of people, the so-called “revenge porn” laws, has been able to pass constitutional muster. More than one has been struck down in the courts. There’s absolutely no way that fake images can be made illegal.

Regardless, after Vice’s story went up, the DeepNudes website got enough traffic to crash the site, and the creator, who was seemingly worried his product was unethical to begin with, decided to take it down.

Of course, this doesn’t really matter. The app is out in the world and someone else will certainly iterate on it in the future. As the saying goes, you can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube. This technology, along with the technology to replace Jennifer Lawrence with Steve Buscemi, exists. You can’t make it go away and you can’t legislate it away, so we’re all going to have to figure out what it means that this technology exists. This sort of AI isn’t even all that advanced or difficult to create. It would get its ass kicked on Jeopardy.

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Irina Shayk Tops Emily Ratajkowski As Number One Swimsuit Model

Here’s a fun fact about Bradley Cooper; He was in American Hustle with Louis C.K., and C.K. had once commented that nobody who asks Sean Penn a question on Inside the Actors’ Studio was going to get famous, which is something Cooper had literally done.

Yeah, wow, look at him hump Louis C.K. there. Now Louis knows how everyone he’s ever met feels. He also knows how Irina Shayk used to feel most nights.

But things are looking up for Shayk; not only is she out from under Cooper, she’s also hotter than Emily Ratajkowski, at least according to the fine people of Bluebella Lingerie and Swimwear who have declared Shayk the world’s top swimwear model, as reported by news.com.au.

THE WORLD’S TOP 10 SWIMWEAR MODELS: Bluebella

1. Irina Shayk

2. Alessandra Ambrosio

3. Emily Ratajkowski

4. Ashley Graham

5. Candice Swanepoel

6. Rosie Huntington-Whiteley

7. Jasmine Tookes

8. Lais Ribeiro

9. Nina Agdal

10. Lupe Fuentes

That’s quite the list there.

I dunno, Emily Ratajkowski has that belly button thing going on. I don’t know what it is but it’s hot.

Ashley Graham was fourth on the list, just below Ratajkowski. She’s pretty popular among our readers, too. But it’s Irina’s day.

No whammy, no whammy, no whammy STOP!

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Allison Mack’s ‘Smallville’ Co-Stars Weigh in on Her Sex Cult

Smallville was kind of a big moment in television history, even if it doesn’t seem like it now. It was a Superboy show without having Superboy, instead showing a young Clark Kent discovering his super powers in the days before he became Superman. Of course, as the series ran for like, 10 years instead of two or three, that kind of wore thin eventually and all you could think was “Dude, you’re 30, put on a fucking cape! The Legion of Super-Heroes couldn’t bring you a cape and a flight ring?”

Instead of Superman characters, the series had Superboy’s supporting cast from the 50’s comic, like Clark’s parents, his best friend Pete Ross and his first love Lana Lang. The producers also added a new character, Clark’s schoolmate and friend/potential love interest Chloe Sullivan, played by Allison Mack. The character was so popular that she eventually showed up DC’s Superman comics as Jimmy Olsen’s girlfriend (not anymore though, I’ll bet) and every super hero show since has had a similar character. Spider-Man: Homecoming even made a joke about how Spider-Man needed a “guy in the chair.”

She was also popular enough to get her very own sex cult. Cult leader Keith Raniere was found guilty of all the illegal that having a sex cult comprises and Mack pleaded guilty to some crimes around the cult to avoid a trial.

This is all super awkward for Tom Welling and Michael Rosenbaum, who played Clark Kent and Lex Luthor on Smallville. See, it’s Smallville week on Rosenbaum’s podcast insideofyou, and it was bound to come up that one of their friends and co-stars went on to have sex slaves.

USA Today had a partial transcript, which isn’t as interesting as I had hoped.

“I didn’t know anything about it. … I was very surprised to read anything about it,” said Welling, who played Mack’s best friend, Clark Kent, on the hit CW show. “It’s sounds very bizarre. Allison was always a nice person around me.”

He added, “It’s also funny that people think that we would know, or that we would have some perspective on it.”

If you think about it, it makes sense that they didn’t know anything, Mack always seemed brainwashed to me. I don’t want to excuse what she did but come on, the woman a million fanboys spent the better part of the 2000s thinking about every time they masturbated doesn’t just suddenly decide she’s going to run a sex cult for a shitty motivational speaker. She absolutely got taken in by a cult, and now she’s basically the only Smallville actress who doesn’t get to be a guest star on Supergirl.

Rosenbaum said he was aware that Mack was taking “part of, like, a self-help thing” when they were co-stars, although it’s not clear if he’s referring to NXIVM.

“I remember one time, maybe it was Allison who asked me or something and she was just like, ‘Hey, you should try coming to it,’ and I was like, ‘No. I don’t know. It’s not for me,’ ” he said.

Rosenbaum concluded: “We’re all figuring out what the deal is.”

Yeah, imagine your friend goes to what you think is a Tony Robbins seminar and they come back with some dude’s initials branded into their outer labia. I mean, you probably wouldn’t know, but if one of your friends goes to a TED Talk and comes back wincing every time they cross their legs, make sure they’re okay.

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The Blemish’s Guide to the 2020 Democratic Primary

Well, the 2020 elections are just around the corner and… wait a second, it’s only 2019, and it’s not even that late in the year. Oh my god that means there’s like 15 more months of this bullshit.

Since there are more Democratic candidates than there are terrible Chuck Lorre TV shows and the first debate is next week, we’ve decided to break them down and let you know who is who. Well, just the major ones. There’s over 20 candidates and no one has ever heard of most them. Like Jay Inslee? No one knows who Jay Inslee is. Jay Inslee’s campaign manager doesn’t know who Jay Inslee is, he just answered a Craigslist ad.

Joe Biden

  • Has a black friend
  • Has way more super-racist, pro-segregation friends
  • Really wants you to focus on how he has a black friend. He’s like the JD to Obama’s Turk
  • Wants to smell your daughter’s hair. For a long time. Way longer than any normal person would be comfortable with

Supported by: Alyssa Milano, people who hate Trump but also hate poor people

Bernie Sanders

  • Would have won in 2016
  • Seriously, like one other person ran in 2016 and now that Sanders is the frontrunner literally 20+ people jump in the race?
  • Every other candidate’s platform is basically “Bernie’s ideas, but watered down to avoid upsetting the 1%”
  • Realistically the only candidate with a chance of beating Trump, so I’m sure the Democrats will end up nominating someone like Bill de Blasio who everyone hates

Supported by: Basically everyone cool; Cardi B, Emily Ratajkowski, Susan Sarandon, John Cusack, Danny DeVito, Mark Ruffalo, Danny Glover… Seriously, there are so many he’s the only 2020 candidate whose endorsements required their own, seperate wikipedia entry.

Beto O’Rourke

  • Your aunt wants to fuck him
  • Whitest Barack Obama impersonator ever
  • Will end his campaign after he falls off of counter in a diner in Lost Buttholes, New Mexico
  • Seriously, he even dresses like Barack Obama with that dress shirt with rolled-up sleeves/mom jeans combo
  • Trump is going to call him “Beta O’Dork”

Supported by: Bars, tree stumps, tables, diner counters and for some reason Willie Nelson and the Grateful Dead’s bass player

Kamala Harris

  • Not the WWF wrestler from the early 90s
  • Is a cop
  • One of like, a dozen women in the race but none of her supporters can state a single reason they like her other than that she’s a woman.

Supported by: WIlliam H Macy and Felicity Huffman, Busy Phillips, every insufferable white feminist on social media who posted crying selfies when Clinton lost

Elizabeth Warren

  • Gets a whole debate to herself like Greg Brady taking the attic from Marsha
  • Has all of Bernie Sanders’ ideas without his baggage, like the will to get them enacted or charisma
  • Plans to beat Trump by getting super excited about math
  • I’m not sure what a school marm is but I know she is one

Supported by: Maybe that racist bowtie dude on Fox News? I seriously couldn’t find a single celebrity endorsement or donation to Warren, but she has to have some, right?

Pete Buttigieg

  • World’s most boring gay dude
  • Highest political office was mayor of a town with fewer residents than this website has readers
  • Wore sunglasses to Pride because all the rainbow flags were too visually stimulating
  • Like Al Gore but without Gore’s famed boisterous, effervescent personality

Supported by: Carl Weathers, the son of the guy who owns Fox News

Amy Klobuchar

  • Has no chance of winning.
  • Eats salad with a comb.
  • Strong support from BDSM community after her treatment of staffers was revealed

Supported by: Her father and her husband, but probably out of fear

Mike Gravel

  • Even older than Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.
  • Kind of looks like Wilford Brimley.
  • Actually three teenagers in a trenchcoat like an episode of The Little Rascals.
  • Not in the debates but I really wanted to make that Little Rascals joke.

Supported by: That guy who threw his shoe at George W Bush

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Marvel is Bringing an Extended Cut of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ to Theaters Because The Last Version Was Just Too Short

Marvel really, really wants Avengers: Endgame to be the highest-grossing film of all time. It didn’t quite get there in its theatrical run, coming up about 44 million dollars behind Avatar, which is also owned by Disney now. But the only thing to do when you come this close to the record and miss is to slap some deleted scenes onto the movie and squeeze that last $50 million out of the specific sort of nerd who needs to see DVD special features on the big screen.

That’s right, Marvel is releasing an extended cut of Avengers: Endgame to theaters because the original runtime of all fucking day wasn’t quite long enough. That’s right Kevin Feige told comicbook.com that Endgame is headed back to theaters with the implicit threat that it’s just going to keep coming back until they get their record.

While attending the Spider-Man: Far From Home press junket in London, ComicBook.com’s Brandon Davis spoke exclusively with Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, who confirmed that Avengers: Endgame was heading back to the big screen for a theatrical re-release. Not only that, but this version of the film will arrive with extra scenes that weren’t included in the first theatrical release.

“We are doing that,” Feige said of an Endgame re-release with new footage. “I don’t know if it’s been announced. And I don’t know how much… Yeah, we’re doing it next weekend.”

At this point I would rather just watch the misogynist troll cut someone posted to the pirate websites over the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I think that endeavor was highly stupid even if the goal was just to make people mad about it, but it’s only 90 minutes long and the original theatrical cut ran so long that my son, who I hadn’t even conceived when I went into the theater, had a masters degree and resented me for missing all of his ballgames by the time it finished.

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Bella Thorne Won’t Be Shamed By ‘The View’ For Taking Nude Selfies

Someone hacked Bella Thorne’s phone recently and got a hold of some naked pictures she took. This person tried to blackmail her with them, so Bella did the one thing that would absolutely cut that option out of the equation and shared them on Twitter herself (link NSFW).

Well the ladies on The View had some strong opinions on this, especially Whoopi Goldberg, who went on a pretty decent rant about celebrities should “know better” than to photograph themselves nude for their intimate partners because celebrities shouldn’t have normal sex lives.

Personally, I think Bella should have to shave her head like one of those Japanese idols who got caught holding a boy’s hand in public. I mean, either that or we say the dude blackmailing her was the bad one and not her.

Bella posted a video response to the segment and it’s a doozy.

Through tears, Thorne says she’s cancelling her interview with The View because she doesn’t want a bunch of older women shaming her for her sexuality. She ended the video with a “shame on you” for Whoopi Goldberg.

I have to take Bella’s side here, everyone takes naked pictures of themselves nowadays. It’s a side-effect of having cameras in their pockets and being a normal amount of horny for an adult human. There’ no reason to shame people for completely normal human behavior.

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‘Dark Phoenix’ Bombs at Box Office, Sends the ‘X-Men’ Out On a Giant Failure

Anyone who read comic books in the 1970s, 80s, 90s or 2000s probably remembers the X-Men being the biggest thing on the planet. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate how popular the X-Men were; the first issue of their second monthly comic, simply titled X-Men, in 1991 led to sales of over seven million copies, over twice as many as the infamous Death of Superman in Superman 75.

Out of all the stories to come out of this period, the most famous was The Phoenix Saga. The entire story ran for nearly four years, starting with longtime X-Man Marvel Girl developing new pyrokinetic powers and renaming herself Phoenix. Over the course of the story, Phoenix’s powers grew stronger and stronger, eventually leading the evil Hellfire Club to try and corrupt her, which ultimately ends up with Phoenix losing control of her mind and powers, leading to her death at the climax of what’s since come to be known as The Dark Phoenix Saga.

So beloved and fundamental to the X-Men is this story that virtually every adaptation of the comic in other media has included it in some form, including the X-Men film series. In fact, the X-Men films have adapted it twice, and both adaptations have turned out to be horrible. The first attempt was X-Men: The Last Stand, a terrible movie that tried to squeeze one of the most beloved stories in comic book history into a B-Plot and was closer to Grant Morrison’s New X-Men.

Since the storyline was so revered and the film so reviled, the rebooted X-Men franchise set out to tell it again and get it right this time. Probably would have been a good idea to do it before Hugh Jackman quit being Wolverine. Actually, almost anything they did would have been better, probably including not reshooting the ending because it felt too close to Captain Marvel, these movies are all basically the same anyway.

Dark Phoenix, which should be the big send-off to the X-Men franchise, adapting it’s biggest story before Marvel reboots it, has done so poorly that IndieWire said it had the worst second weekend for a superhero film ever. According to Box Office Mojo, it’s pulled in just $52 million domestically in two weekends. Rotten Tomatoes scores Dark Phoenix as the worst-reviewed X-Men film ever, even below the abysmal X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Even so, I don’t see Kevin Feige’s comments about having no plans for the X-Men now that the rights to the movies are back at Marvel Studios. I just don’t see a world in which one of the biggest studios in the world has their biggest property on a shelf somewhere while they’re busy working on bottom-of-the-barrel characters like Shang-Chi and Doctor Strange, neither of whom has been able to support a monthly comic in decades.

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Video of Cuba Gooding Jr’s Alleged Groping Emerges

As we reported earlier, Cuba Gooding, Jr. was accused of grabbing a woman’s breast at bar. Now TMZ has unearthed the security footage from the alleged incident.

Okay, so we definitely see Cuba put his hand on her leg and chest there, right? But there’s a disagreement about context.

A few seconds later his hand moves up to her breast, and the accuser puts her hand on his. What happens next is open to interpretation — she either pushes his hand back toward him, or he pulls her hand to his mouth and kisses it.

This doesn’t really give us much in the way of context, honestly. Here’s some more from later in the video.

We’ve blurred her face to protect her identity, but she appears to say, “Yes, he did.” She repeated that after the security guard shook his head. It’s unclear if Cuba heard their conversation, but he got up, stumbled and then walked right past the accuser and left.

So Cuba was clearly drunk and horny here, right? We’re all seeing that? It doesn’t look good to me, but it looks good to Cuba.

As we reported, Gooding was arrested Thursday and booked for misdemeanor forcible touching and sexual abuse in the third degree. His attorney, Mark Heller, told us Wednesday he saw “no criminality” on Cuba’s part in the video … something he repeated after the arrest.

I mean, sure, but if you grab someone’s boob and they’re not happy about it, that’s not great. Cuba probably didn’t remember what was going on, he was drunk and I think he grabbed a dude’s dick, did you see that? Anyway, were I him, I probably wouldn’t be as stoked about this video coming out as he seems to be.

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Michael Che Spent an Entire Day Obsessing Over Mild Criticism From a Former ‘Kimmel’ Writer

As long as I’ve worked here, I’ve only had one celebrity take issue with me making fun of them, and that was the late Margot Kidder who wanted to make it very clear she was crazy and not on pills. I am totally looking forward to the second one which is probably going to happen today after SNL co-head writer Michael Che spent all day obsessing over a former Jimmy Kimmel writer for taking issue with a strange clause in SNL’s submission disclaimer.

So the clause that they’re absolved from stealing your submitted ideas is standard boilerplate in case you’re watching and you go “Hey, I submitted a pitch for Donald Trump singing ‘I Fought the Law’ while Robert Mueller breakdances outside his prison cell, I’m going to sue!” The thing about everything on your social media is really fucking weird and unusual, though.

Anyway, Michael Che lost his entire goddamn mind for an entire day about this tweet.

Yeah, he kept posting to his Instagram Story which is really strange.

Yeah, they’re doing a bang-up job at SNL right now.

God, that is by far the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen that movie where John Wayne played Genghis Khan. I would not be even a little bit surprised if they were scouring Twitter for ideas if this is the stuff that makes it to air.

Keep in mind that basically the only thing Allison has said before Che made all these posts was “SNL’s submission rules are weird.”

And of course, the ever-present “I feel like blacklisting people who criticize me is entirely reasonable” makes an appearance after too long.

If you’re not familiar with him, Jack Allison got into a bit of a thing on Twitter a few months ago after writer Sarah Watson said that saying you didn’t like a movie on social media could hurt your chances of getting staffed because it could have been written by a friend of a showrunner. Seriously.

Jose Molina then immediately proved his point.

This is likely what Che is talking about.

Allison had the last laugh, because here’s the video he tweeted.

Based on what we learned about Che I fully expect him to go off about what an asshole I am.

I know what you’re thinking; why would Michael Che give even the tiniest fuck what you think about him? And I have no idea, but there’s no way that dude doesn’t have multiple Google alerts for his own name. I will personally be devastated by this attention, so please, Michael Che, don’t go on an Instagram Story rant about how mad you about this article. We need you to focus on writing those super funny cold opens that no one thinks are hacky and lame and that totally get laughs from people who aren’t drunken 50-year-old women with “Still With Her” bumper stickers.

Allison’s Struggle Session co-host revealed the damage that Che’s wrath had brought on them.

Please, we don’t want any part of that, Michael.

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Lil Xan, The World’s Sleepiest Rapper, Facing Assault With a Deadly Weapon Charge

It’s never good to miss a nap, you just don’t know how cranky you’re going to be. And I assume Lil Xan, who basically always looks like an 11-year-old who needs a nap, must have missed a nap because the LAPD is investigating him for assault with a deadly weapon because of an incident where he brandished a gun. TMZ had the details of the story.

TMZ broke the story … the alleged victim called out Xan for calling Tupac’s music “boring” last year. Things quickly escalated … with Xan pulling a gun out multiple times, and pointing it at the man.

The 22-year-old rapper said he only pulled the gun because he thought he was about to be attacked.

If the D.A. doesn’t see it that way, Xan could be charged with a felony that carries a max sentence of 4 years.

I mean, yeah, why wouldn’t you pull a gun on a guy who doesn’t like Tupac. Seems reasonable.

See, my guess was that he was mad at whoever drew on his face when he fell asleep, but apparently he wants his face to look like that.

Also hilarious is that there’s video of this incident and let’s just say Lil Xan still doesn’t look scary even when he’s pointing a gun at you. He absolutely seems like someone who could OD on Cheetos.

Also, I think he says the n-word in this exchange, so even if he doesn’t go to jail for the serious felony he seemingly committed, he’s totally going to get cancelled on Twitter.

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Allison Mack Used Wonder Woman to Recruit Sex Slaves

The NEXIVM cult story has been an unending source of lurid details about the high school crush of a bunch of people who are never going to admit that again. Allison Mack is basically only famous because she was the Superman adaptation Smallville, and it turns out that she used the DC Comics connection as one of her recruitment tools for the sex cult she ran, according to Page Six.

“I wanted to be like Wonder Woman, I wanted to play that role,” a women known only as Nicole testified Wednesday in Brooklyn federal court.

Instead, the now-31-year-old became Mack’s personal slave within that subsect known as DOS — a secret master-slave sorority that starved women, branded them, and allegedly groomed them for sex with Nxivm leader Keith Raniere.

Yeah, I imagine it takes a lot of grooming to make sex with Keith Raniere seem like a thing you want to do.

“Trust me, you will be OK,” Mack told her of joining the group. Instead, prosecutors said Nicole would later be strapped to a table, while a fellow DOS slave named Camila forcibly performed oral sex on her.

The petite brunette testified that she never would have joined the group if she knew it was led by Raniere, but that Mack told her it was a women’s-only group.

This track with how she tried to recruit Emma Watson. “Amazing women’s movement” indeed. It is just a little hilarious that Mack used basic bitch white feminism platitudes to sell her sex cult, though.

Nicole sobbed on the stand, head in her hands, as she explained how Mack coached her through turning over collateral in order to join the alleged empowerment group, and instructed her to write false letters about her family.

“She said I could lie,” the witness said tearfully. “She said she had written that her father sexually abused her.”

Nicole wept as she said she wrote the same thing about her own father. She said she also provided a sex tape, and other letters containing false information about other family members and an unnamed ex who had become a prominent actor.

How has Allison Mack’s “collateral” not leaked now, by the way?

A week later she told Nicole to reach out to Raniere over Facebook.

“How do you get the attention of the smartest man in the world??” Mack wrote.

I am just always amazed by how thoroughly Mack fell for Raniere. He’s so obviously full of shit every time he opens his mouth, and he’s not what you would call conventionally handsome.

Of course, Mack started the trend of being married to Green Arrow while not being Black Canary, so she was always a little evil.

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Marcia Cross’ Ass Cancer Linked to Husband’s Throat Cancer, Do the Math

Appearing on CBS This Morning on Wednesday, Marcia Cross revealed that the anal cancer she recovered from was most likely linked to her husband Tom Mahoney’s throat cancer which he was diagnosed with in 2009. If you’re not able to read into that, let me spell it out for you. Tom Mahoney ate out Marcia Cross’ ass on the regular and probably gave her anal HPV. On the flipside, Marcia Cross has a keeper. Don’t let that man go, Marcia!

“I know that there are people who are ashamed,” Cross told CBS. “You have cancer! Do you have to then also feel ashamed like you did something bad because it took up residence in your anus? I mean, come on, really. There’s enough on your plate.”

In another piece of info which you’ll probably think I’m making up, Marcia was able to get through her diagnosis with the help of a group of girlfriends who call themselves the Anal Angels. Did she find this group on Pornhub because I think we know the same people.

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Matthew Koma Says Zedd Has an Inferiority Complex, Screwed Him Over

Matthew Koma has finally decided to come clean about what happened between him and Zedd. The two worked together on “Spectrum” and “Clarity”, two big hits that helped catapult Zedd into the mainstream. According to Koma, the relationship was toxic with Zedd slowly pushing him out and taking credit for all his work. Koma begins with the short of it. The fame went to Zedd’s head.

In response to years of: “What happened with you & Zedd”. I want to finally be transparent about this…it’s a really sad truth because I’m extremely proud of the work he and I did together…unfortunately my good feelings toward those songs have all but disappeared as they were experienced alongside someone so toxic and self serving that it occupied the space where any happiness could exist. It’s not that dramatic of a story and it comes down to something simple. Shitty people suck and when they’re successful, people are afraid to blow the whistle.

Koma says they met as “equals” but Zedd had an inferiority complex which lead to him taking credit for his work and not paying him. Koma also implies Zedd uses ghost producers now.

I met Anton before he signed to Interscope – we were put together to work on songs for his record – 2 of which became his first singles. Spectrum and Clarity. We met as “equals”. From the beginning, his inferiority complex was made obvious (which seemed so absurd, because his contributions were so wonderful and he was a very talented producer back when he was involved in his productions.) The blows started small – him giving interviews about “the lyrics he wrote” (I wrote every word and melody) with no mention of my name, not being paid for singing on Spectrum until 2 or 3 years of fighting for a fee, him producing a song I wrote called “Suitcase” for my album then not allowing me to release it – instead insisting it was released as “ZEDD” with another featured singer or I couldn’t have it. I had to wait 4 years to put a different version out. Writing “Find You” with him in Japan and him actively telling me he didn’t want my voice on the song, but since it was recorded literally on Christmas to meet a deadline, maybe it was hard to find someone I guess ? Mind you, This is after I wrote 3 of his four first singles and helped I him have one of the biggest songs of that year. I had to talk him out of keeping my voice on Clarity pitched up, because it sounded like a remix.

Koma even pushed for Zedd to find a female singer for “Clarity” so it’d sound more original. When it was nominated for a Grammy, he wasn’t invited. In fact, he wasn’t invited to anything anymore.

I encouraged him to find a female singer who could really nail it. We tracked several singers on it before Foxes killed it. I wanted it to be great for him. He won a Grammy for it – I wasn’t invited. There’s a documentary about “the making of zedd ” (1o1) and I was the only collaborator not invited to the premier or asked to be interviewed for the movie. More or less, I was just brushed under the rug while he took all the credit / which felt confusing because the millions of people who connected to Clarity and those other songs , seemed to connect to the lyrics / emotion / melodies I had written. But he deemed his Kick Drum sound the driving force and left me out of all shared credit. I remember doing a tv show with him when I was sick and asked him to lower the key of the song so I could sing it well, and he refused because “his track wouldn’t sound good”.

He also says Zedd’s persona of a “genius classical pianist” is a scam.

Another similar instance where he refused to change the key and I came to find out it was because he could only play piano in the key of C and the keyboard wouldn’t transpose. Sort of contradicted the whole “genius classical pianist” persona. For years I thought maybe it was me , but over time, I’d run into other people who worked with him -other writers / singers / producers/ Dj’s / People on his own team…and the sentiment was shared. He’s the worst.

Koma ends with some digs at Zedd saying he no longer produces his own music.

With millions and millions of dollars and so many hit songs , you’d think you could afford to treat people with kindness and appreciate their role in helping you achieve your dream. Those songs allowed me the opportunity to work with so many electronic producers and artists and there are so many incredible people who work so hard at their craft. I could make a way bigger list of Dj’s I worked with who made me feel valuable and treated me with mutual respect. Some seriously great people in that world who I’m so grateful to have met. Anyway, this isn’t a unique story. Ego, success , it’s all happened and been told before. Especially in the context of music. But for those always wondering why there was never more music from the two of us , it wasn’t really my choice. Now, two of us , it wasn’t really my choice. Now, He has plenty of people to write his songs and produce his tracks and help him continue on his trajectory. But I rather work at Starbucks and clean the toilets than ever experience that abusive dynamic again. Toxicity doesn’t breed happiness. Alexa , play “Happy Now”. Actually please don’t.

So maybe this explains why Zedd has played the same set for the last 3 years. I’m not saying he can’t read and adapt to a crowd, but this post from Matthew Koma isn’t convincing me otherwise. This also gives makes the Diplo feud with Zedd a little more interesting.

Don’t worry. Zedd will be alright though. When people start turning on him, he can turn one of the rooms in his $16 million mansion into a special “cry” room where he wipes his tears with a tissue box filled with $100 bills.

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R. Kelly Hit With Even More Sex Abuse Charges

The second episode of Adult Swim’s The Boondocks aired in 2005 and was called The Trial of R. Kelly, a reference to his then-current legal troubles for allegedly having sex with an underage teen girl. We just found out that a fifth season of The Boondocks is in production at Adult Swim on basically the same day we found out that R. Kelly is facing 11 additional charges of sexual abuse relating to him allegedly having sex with Jerhonda Pace when she was a minor.

Via CNN:

His attorney said Kelly has been recharged in his existing case as it pertains to one alleged victim.
The charges range from aggravated criminal sexual assault, criminal sexual assault to aggravated criminal sexual abuse, the document says.
A person convicted of aggravated criminal sexual assault can be sentenced to between six and 30 years in prison, according to Illinois law.

This seems bad for Kelly, but he’s already been charged for this, they’re just additional charges for the same crime.

I mean, it could mean more jail time if he’s convicted, but I’m sure it doesn’t change his legal strategy.

The alleged victim commented on the development as well.

Pace, who is listed as JP in court documents, posted a public message on her Facebook page.
“Yes, I am aware of the 11 new counts against R. Kelly. Yes, all new counts are related to my case,” she wrote. “Yes, I know his fans are mad about it. Please, DO NOT contact me telling me how I’m wrong for pursuing criminal charges all of these years later. Blah! No matter how ‘wrong’ you think I am, the law is on my side, a MINOR at the time. Carry on.”

She has a point. Not being able to read someone’s birth certificate isn’t exonerating here. But unless he has better lawyers than Bill Cosby, R. Kelly could end up doing some serious jail time.

The post R. Kelly Hit With Even More Sex Abuse Charges appeared first on The Blemish.

‘Influencer’ With Nearly 3 Million Followers Couldn’t Influence 36 of Them to Buy a Shirt

Influencer is basically just a polite term for thot. Find me a single influencer who doesn’t have an Instagram full of pictures of themselves in a tiny bathing suit. But do any of the people who follow these influencers care about what they have to say, or are hey just there to ogle.

Let’s look at arii, who has 2.6 million followers on Instagram.

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i can live on the beach forever 🌸

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hot af out here 🥵 @doteshopping

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I feel like I’m not great at this because those tiny swimsuit pictures made me think people are there because they care what she has to say, but when arii tried to start a clothing brand, it failed because the company producing the clothes wouldn’t fulfill orders for fewer than 36 pieces.

36 is about .000014% of 2.6 million. It’s around one in 100,000 people she needed to buy a shirt, but that is not why people are there, apparently.

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look like i lit the sun up ʕ·ᴥ·ʔ

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high maintenance ˚ ⋰

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self made 🕊

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None of her posts even have more than like, two words except for one about 9-11, which I’m pretty sure happened before she was even born.

At least Chrissy Teigen is funny.

The post ‘Influencer’ With Nearly 3 Million Followers Couldn’t Influence 36 of Them to Buy a Shirt appeared first on The Blemish.

Iggy Azalea Left Social Media Over Nude Photo Leak

Something you probably know about modelling is that photoshoots take a lot of shots that don’t get used. The five to ten pictures that end up in a magazine are chosen from hundreds taken during the shoot. Some of them are never even meant to be used.

This is what happened when Iggy Azalea posed topless for GQ Australia a few years ago. She meant to take photos where she was covering her bare breasts with her hands and arms, but inevitably some photos of her with her breasts exposed were taken. According to her, those were never meant to be seen publicly.

Via Entertainment Tonight.

“Recently some outtakes from my 2016 GQ magazine cover were leaked to the public,” Azalea wrote. “A lot of high profile women have shot covers for GQ with a strategically placed hand ect Covering their breasts etc. I always felt they were very beautiful covers, so I jumped at the opportunity.”

“I hadn’t seen other women’s covers leak so I felt comfortable (on a closed set) to model for such a reputable magazine knowing only the images with my hands covering would be considered for print,” she continued. “I never consented to taking topless pictures for potential release, period. It was my understanding BEFORE shooting, GQ do not print topless pictures.”

“There was no reason for anyone to have kept the outtakes from the shoot. I’m surprised and angry that they were not immediately deleted after the final images were selected,” the rapper explained.

I’m not going to post or comment on the pictures themselves, if you want to see them you should be able to Google them very easily.

That being said, Azalea was pissed enough to delete her Instagram and Twitter accounts over the incident, which seems extreme. It’s not like the leak came from social media, they came from GQ. But she did have a good reason.

Finally, addressing her decision to deactivate her social media accounts, Azalea said she feels there is no where she “can retreat to” or where she has a “happy place'” where she can “wait in until it all blows over.”

“I have seen some really vicious s**t written in the last 24 hours and it is too much negativity for me to handle,” she concluded. “For now it’s best to keep my accounts deactivated. Please be kinder to one another.”

She might be onto something with the being kinder thing. I’m still going to stick with being super mean, of course, but that’s because I have a brand to protect. Maybe not about Iggy Azalea. I mean a little. She should probably do some squats, that’s all I’m saying.

The post Iggy Azalea Left Social Media Over Nude Photo Leak appeared first on The Blemish.

Dan Harmon Gave Us All a Look Behind the Scenes on ‘Rick and Morty’ Season 5

Rick and Morty has become a pop culture phenomenon in the six years since it debuted, and season four is coming later this year. The highest rated show in Adult Swim’s history, the network renewed the show for 70 episodes after the long wait between seasons two and three lead fans to basically go crazy and start attacking McDonald’s locations to get dipping sauce that was mentioned in an episode of the show. Seriously. And they didn’t even do ads for McDonald’s.

With season four in production and on the way to our airwaves in November, co-creator Dan Harmon (the uptight one) gave us a look behind the scenes at the ideas writer Rob Schrab had given him, some of which will undoubtedly make their way to our screens over the course of the 60-some episodes they have to write.

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Okay there is one in here that I want to write

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These ideas range from bad puns to truly insane visual gags, like “artificial person w/ real leg.” That is 100% going to make into an episode. How do you not want to make that. Also, I can’t stop thinking about what a “when-wolf” might be.

Harmon also did this freestyle rap about banging your mom to celebrate Memorial Day.

Keep in mind that Harmon is the down-to-Earth one, it’s Roiland who’s weird.

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