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The Rise and Fall of ‘Modern Family’

Modern Family ended this week and while I would love to tell you that it went out on top, the only thing that got better about Modern Family as the show aged was Ariel Winter. But the last episode, like the last season, like the last several seasons, suffered from storylines that failed to pay off and plot resolutions that came out of nowhere.

The perfect example of this is Mitch and Cam’s story for the final season. Cam was in consideration for a coaching job at a college in Missouri for most of the season, and several episodes back he discovered he didn’t get the job. Storyline over. Then out of nowhere an adoption agency they had applied to years ago calls them and tells them they have a baby for them if they want it. Does this happen in real life, by the way? Because this is also how 30 Rock ended. Then in the final episode it turns out Cam did get the job after all, and he and Mitch move to Missouri by the end of the finale.

You can see this repeat itself in pretty much every story in the show. Alex had taken a new job where she makes less money but that work isn’t morally bankrupt. Seemingly out of nowhere in the finale, that job is being relocated to Europe and Alex starts a potential romance with her boss, one of Hailey’s ex-boyfriends. Luke gets accepted to a college after being absent for most of the final season (and a few seasons before that).

Haley’s story has been set for a little while, but her pregnancy and getting back together with Dylan also seemed to come out of nowhere. My personal assumption there is that Adam Devine, who played Haley’s much better and more logical boyfriend Andy has had much better offers for movies and the HBO hit The Righteous Gemstones while Reid Ewing who played Dylan had nothing going on. It’s a shame because Haley’s relationship with Andy was one of the most thoughtful storylines the show had ever put forward whereas her ending up with Dylan just seemed slapped together at the last minute,

In fact, most of the finale, as well as the final few seasons, seemed likewise slapped together. In earlier seasons, a through line like Claire running for city council would follow a much more logical progression; Claire wants a stop sign at an intersection, her councilman (played brilliantly by David Cross) is a jerk so she runs against him, there are a few comedic disasters along the way and finally Claire loses but she gets the stop sign she was after because Cross’s character doesn’t want to have to deal with her again. One of the reasons it works is that it comes naturally from the character of Claire, who is a busybody control freak.

As the show went on, characters became less well-defined. You might think this is growth, but there was actually very little of that. For example: is Manny cool or a dork? The writers never made up their minds. In early episodes he’s definitely weird and outsider because of his too-grown-up pretentious nature. But then in season five we find out all the popular kids actually like Manny and he’s actually the cool one, not Luke. But Luke beats Manny for class president (and two episodes later Luke can’t get anyone to come to his Halloween party). In college, Manny brings home a smoking hot professor he’s dating and later is completely smitten with Sherry, a very annoying and not particularly attractive improv player. They never quite nailed down who they want him to be.

They had much the same problem with Alex, who was bouncing around between being a confident professional who sexually dominates a fireman to a befuddled dork who gets clumsy and tongue-tied around an equally dorky and tongue-tied professor. The characters are just not consistent, at least not the children. It’s even a running gag that Mitchell and Cam basically know nothing about Lily who seems to have no consistent character traits aside from being sarcastic.

Modern Family was an absolute phenomenon when it began, winning five Best Comedy Series Emmys in a row before falling off entirely. It coincides with a rise in awards for cable dramedies, but also a clear decline in the quality of Modern Family. It was clear that once the kids in the family started growing up that the writers didn’t have any ideas for what to do with them and just decreased their screen time.

I’ve enjoyed my time with Modern Family, on the whole, but it’s been time for it to end for a while now. The ending was mostly satisfying and sent all the characters off on new adventures, but it probably should have ended years ago if it wanted to go out on a high note.

The post The Rise and Fall of ‘Modern Family’ appeared first on The Blemish.

Should Amber Heard Face Prison Time if She Falsified Evidence Against Johnny Depp?

Because Amber Heard was in a big DC Comics movie, one of the few that was actually good (though not as good as Shazam!), she gets coverage on comic book sites and not just celebrity site. Comicbook.com ran a story earlier today speculating that Heard could face prison time if she did indeed fabricate evidence of Johnny Depp being abusive, which appears to be the case to many people.

It’s an interesting take and worth a read, but it’s not based on any actual movements from the DA’s office in California that I’ve heard about.

Here’s the relevant California law the article refers to.

California Penal Code Section 141 PC establishes that it is illegal to alter, modify, plant, place, conceal, manufacture or move any physical matter with the intention of causing someone to be charged with a crime. Other laws that would apply include Offering false evidence under California Penal Code 132 PC and Preparing false evidence under California Penal Code Section 134 PC. The latter two laws are felony charges, while the initial law is typically a misdemeanor, but could be charged as a felony.

The issue here is Depp has presented some convincing evidence that Heard fabricated or embellished bruises with make-up in order to seek a restraining order against Depp in 2016.

But… the question is should Heard face charges for this? Should she go to prison?

Personally, I’m not a fan of sending anyone to prison. I’ve mentioned I believe both Jussie Smollett and Lori Loughlin should receive relative slaps on the wrist for the crimes they’re accused of, even though Jussie’s defense just insults everyone’s intelligence.

Amber Heard is it directly comparable because if the allegations against her are true she did victimize someone, unlike Smollett or Loughlin. If Heard acted maliciously here, she did so to damage Depp’s reputation and career and she did so in order to give herself more leverage in her divorce proceedings.

Still, I don’t know that Heard should go to prison. She should potentially be punished in some way, but prison is perhaps not the best route for that. She stands to have to pay out a huge amount of money to Johnny Depp should his lawsuit be successful, and that will probably do more to make Depp whole than sending her to prison.

On the other hand, Depp is not the only person Heard has been accused of abusing, so maybe she does need to cool her heels in the slammer.

It’s probably a moot point because Heard is unlikely to charge criminal charges stemming from this incident, but it’s certainly something a lot of people are considering wi5h all their newly-found free time.

The post Should Amber Heard Face Prison Time if She Falsified Evidence Against Johnny Depp? appeared first on The Blemish.

‘Wrestlemania’ With No Audience is Really Strange

Sometimes you don’t realize how important something is until you take it out. For instance, the live audience reactions and laugh tracks on TV shows. Sometimes they’re really bad, like on Sports Night or How I Met Your Mother. They even released MASH without the laugh track, which makes the show better overall. But if you take the laugh track out of a traditionally filmed multi-cam sitcom, it’s an absolute train wreck full of awkward conversational pauses for no reason.

It turns out that professional wrestling is the latter.

As someone who used to like pro wrestling quite a bit in the 90s, I thought I’d take advantage of my free WWE Network trial to watch Wrestlemania 36. It was one of the strangest experiences of my life.

The introductions to the night with Stephanie McMahon and Rob Gronkowski weren’t really that unusual for pro wrestling, although the normal fanfare of Wrestlemania being replaced with something that felt more like WWF Superstars set a strange tone.

The weirdness of no audience being present was somewhat offset by night one of the two-night event starting with a great women’s tag team championship match. I don’t normally watch wrestling to know who is who and the match had virtually no introduction, so I’m guessing that The Kabuki Warriors are the heels and Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross are the faces because Asuka and Kairi Sane were the most entertaining wrestlers in the entire event and they dropped their titles to two women who didn’t appear to know a hammer lock from a ham sandwich.

I don’t know who decided it was a good idea to have Bradshaw do the color commentary for Wrestlemania, but good lord was he uninspiring. I know Bobby Heenan and Gorilla Monsoon are dead but there are options. Get Jesse Ventura or Jerry Lawler; hell, I’ll take Jim Cornette’s folksy boomer racism at this point.

The rest of the first night was a bit of a slog. A lot of wrestlers have crowd appeals built into their routines and did absolutely nothing to change those routines when there’s no audience. I couldn’t help but imagine what a sociopath Hulk Hogan would look like cupping his hand to his ear in an empty studio like this.

A lot of the spectacle and pyrotechnics seemed especially out of place in this audience-free performance. As an example, Becky Lynch drove the cab of a truck about 20 feet in an empty parking lot. I’m sure it seems cool when there’s an audience cheering for you but this just highlighted how silly some of these things are.

The first night ended with what can only be described as the most bizarre thing I’ve ever see on pro wrestling. The Undertaker fought AJ Styles in a graveyard and it was filmed like a TV drama. The problem is that wrestling choreography is really impressive in a boxing ring but not so much in a TV drama. I’ve seen Sarah Michelle Gellar in more entertaining fights. It was a real low-note to end night one on.

Night two started by confirming what I had already believed from night one, that women’s wrestling is better than men’s wrestling now. Charlotte Flair fought Rhea Ripley for the NXT Women’s Championship in an opening match was the highlight of the evening. Being a Flair, Charlotte really knows how to put on a show. It was the first time I’d ever seen her wrestle and she did not disappoint.

If you’ve ever thought wrestling is kind of gay, you should check out the last man standing match between Edge and Randy Orton; I’ve seen gay porn that was less homoerotic than that match. Orton kept telling Edge he loved him before the match turned into sweaty dudes grunting in a gym. It was also about 10-15 minutes too long. There’s only so long you can watch dudes hit each other with whatever they find lying around backstage and have it be entertaining.

There were two heavyweight championship matches and they were both around a minute long, which was crazy. Definitely the shortest matches of the night, but it was kind of a relief after watching whatever the hell that Firefly Funhouse thing was. I had never actually seen John Cena wrestle before tonight and I still haven’t. He did fight a puppet and I found out you can say shit but not fuck on WWE Network, but I still have no idea why everyone hates John Cena.

All in all, I can’t say I recommend watching wrestling without an audience. The women’s matches were all great, as was the tag match between the Street Profits and Angel Garza and Austin Theory because they all reminded me of the type of wrestling the WCW Cruiserweight division used to do. The Fatal Five-Way match for the Smackdown Women’s belt was the only match in the entire two night, six hour event to take advantage of the lack of audience and have the wrestlers talk through the match. But it’s just too weird for me. And coming back to watch some wrestling after two decades to these empty-house shows just didn’t make think I’d missed anything.

The post ‘Wrestlemania’ With No Audience is Really Strange appeared first on The Blemish.

‘Rick and Morty’ Is Coming Back, Bitches!

Rick and Morty is such a good TV show that it has a loyal fan base that irritates the shit out of everyone. Seriously, the Mulan Szechuan sauce thing? The whole point of that joke was that it’s something esoteric and pointless and people were freaking out about not getting it.

Seriously, the people who love this show the most understand it the least. I can’t begin to tell you how many 20 minute YouTube videos I’ve seen based around someone not getting a Rick and Morty joke. Not even just not getting it, but not even getting that it was a joke and not a major plot point.

Rick and Morty returned from a hiatus that lasted over a year in November with the first five episodes of the ten-episode season. There were some really good episodes in there, too. I especially liked the Christmas episode Rattlestar Ricklactica, where a race of time-traveling snakes tries to kill Morty.

Of course, there hasn’t been a new episode since then, and people are getting tired of waiting. But fret not because Adult Swim announced Rick and Morty is coming back May 3rd.

Snuffles and Tammy are back!

The trailer comes a few days after a six-minute chanbara anime special was dropped on YouTube to build hype for the rest of Season 4.

So what’s in store for The Other Five? Well, Jerry is making honey, it seems. That should be interesting. Look, I ‘now you want to know what’s going on with Eyepatch Morty but that’s not what this show is about. The reason they’ve barely touched on that since the first Citadel of Ricks episode is that this isn’t Game of Thrones. The episodes are almost entirely self-contained. Just enjoy them.

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Rumors Fly That Amber Heard is Getting Fired From ‘Aquaman 2’ Over Domestic Abuse Allegations

When Amber Heard accused Johnny Depp of domestic abuse, Depp lost a lot of work. There were petitions to fire him from the Fantastic Beasts series of Harry Potter prequels and Disney announced that Depp wouldn’t be included in any future Pirates of the Caribbean films. But now the worm has turned and the domestic abuse allegations are on the other foot. Amber Heard has managed to avoid the kind of blowback Depp experienced even though Heard was previously arrested for domestic assault with a different partner.

That may be about to change because there are now rumors that Heard isn’t going to be involved in Aquaman 2. Heard played Mera, the love interest to Jason Momoa’s Aquaman, in the first Aquaman movie as well as in Justice League.

The website Republic World reported the rumors that Warner is looking to be out of the Amber Heard business.

Amber Heard’s ugly breakup might have cost her the role of a DC superhero. There are rumours that the makers of the Jason Momoa starrer are planning to remove Heard from their upcoming project. The recent reports claim that Warner Bros want to be totally out of all these controversies. They are planning to remove Amber as they do not wish for the bad blood to affect their upcoming project. There is also a possibility that her screen time in the film could be deducted for the same.

Okay, this is just a rumor at this point, and we’re at least a year away from the start of filming on Aquaman 2. In the comics, Mera is Aquaman’s wife so I’d guess DC wants to keep her in the films, but Marvel has proven that love interests aren’t all that important to superhero films. Hell, Mary Jane Watson isn’t even in the new Spider-Man films and for some reason they combined Better Brant and Gwen Stacy into a single character and combined her with supporting character Ned Leeds. And DC’s own Arrow killed off Green Arrow’s traditional love interest Black Canary and relaxed her with Felicity Smoak, a supporting character from The Fury of Firestorm that we’re never going to hear about again now that Arrow has ended.

DC has options here is the point. They could wait until Depp’s defamation lawsuit is cleared up in the hopes that she manages to clear her name, the role of Mera could be recast or the character could be discarded altogether to just focus the sequel on Aquaman himself. And it’s just a rumor, it might not even be true. But we can hope.

The post Rumors Fly That Amber Heard is Getting Fired From ‘Aquaman 2’ Over Domestic Abuse Allegations appeared first on The Blemish.

Here’s How the Last a Season of ‘The Office’ Was Almost Even Worse

NBC made some mistakes on The Office. For example, letting it continue for even a second after Steve Carell left. Or pushing Steve Carell out the door when he was more than willing to sign a new contract. Andy Greene’s behind-the-scenes book The Office: The Untold Story of the Greatest Sitcom of the 2000s also details other mistakes that happened or nearly happened as the show overstayed its welcome in later seasons.

In the original plan for season nine we would have seen Jim and Pam split up after Pam had an affair with a member of the documentary crew who had been filming the show. Remember that episode where the boom operator knocks out the guy who attacks Pam? That was meant to lead to a story of Pam’s affair and Jim and Pam’s split.

Vulture reported that much of this was already filmed but the reaction from fans was so negative that finished episodes had to be recut and the ideas for the final season changed overnight.

“People just absolutely did not like that,” Ellickson said. “They were bothered that there might be some triangle that Pam and Jim would be involved in and even more insulted that we thought they might believe that. That’s how it felt to me. Greg absolutely turned on a dime after that and we pivoted away, I think pretty skillfully given how quickly we had to do that.” As a result, the subsequent two Office episodes had to go through “decently sized edits” to remove any suggestion of cheating. In fact, Krasinski grew to dislike the idea he originally campaigned for, as he realized it would be “too painful” for “the ultra fans of the show” who were still watching.

This actually explains a lot about the last season of the show. Jim and Pam’s relationship troubles and the stress Jim’s new job in Philadelphia put on their marriage we’re a big part of the final season and the plot just kind of fizzled out without any real growth. Everything just kind of worked out. Now we know why that plot seemed so odd, but it would have been better had they avoided the storyline altogether. Or just ended the show with Michael taking off his mic pack in the airport.

The post Here’s How the Last a Season of ‘The Office’ Was Almost Even Worse appeared first on The Blemish.

Is It Worth It To Subscribe to Disney+?

While you’re stuck at home and looking for something to do, you might be eyeing some of the many, many streaming services and wondering which ones are worth it. I mean, Quibi obviously isn’t, but so many services want you to come to them instead of Netflix that it can be a bit overwhelming.

Disney+ is a few months old and you probably have an affinity for something Disney has done or bought, so you might be asking yourself if it’s worth it to subscribe now that we have a clear idea about what’s on the service and what it’s about.

My first impression is that it depends on if you want to pay $7 a month to watch The Simpsons. It’s really the only show on the service anyone is going to watch the way they watch a show like The Office or 30 Rock or Seinfeld on another service. I cannot stress the extent to which Disney+ couldn’t exist without The Simpsons. Did you think Disney paid $52 million to have Wolverine in The Avengers? Hugh Jackman isn’t even playing him anymore.

There is, of course, Disney’s other big acquisitions, Star Wars and Marvel. The Mandalorian lives up to the hype generated by all the Baby Yoda memes, but you’ll watch that entire series in an afternoon. The entire first season is barely as long as Avengers: Endgame. You can also watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars, including a new season that’s currently running and you can of course watch the Star Wars movies, though I would suggest only watching the original trilogy and pretending the other eight films don’t exist.

Marvel is a whole different story. It is such a big, profitable brand that Disney shot parts of it all over the Internet. You can’t even see all the movies on Disney+, much less the somewhat related TV shows. Runaways is on Hulu, Cloak and Dagger is on Freeform, The Defenders and its related shows are on Netflix.

There are a lot of Marvel cartoons to watch (except The Spectacular Spider-Man, the best of the bunch) but if you want to get nostalgic with the 90s X-Men or Spider-Man you will quickly see the lack of detail and attention Disney has given their streaming effort. The shows have episodes out of order and are listed as a single season, making the, hard to navigate.

You’ll notice some of this in other shows, as well; Ducktales has been out of order since the service launched despite the repeated complaints producer Francisco Angones.

There are a few gems buried in the Disney originals section of the Disney+ app. Boy Meets World was a favorite show of mine when I was younger and there’s a sequel series called Girl Meets World. Even Stevens, notable for being the show that introduced the world to Shia LaBeouf, is also something that holds up as a decent family sitcom.

The biggest problem, though, is other than The Mandalorian, Disney+ Has basically failed entirely to make compelling original programming. Can you name a Disney+ original that isn’t Star Wars related? High School Musical The Musical The Series? I don’t even want to type that, much less watch it.

Unless you have a kid who loves Disney and wants to watch Frozen 20 times a day, I can’t recommend Disney+. There’s barely enough content to fill a free seven day trial, much less enough to make you want to maintain a monthly subscription. Disney’s baffling decision to maintain multiple streaming services with different content aimed at different audiences means that Disney+ got virtually no content from the movie aside from nearly 700 episodes of The Simpsons, about 200 of which are worth watching.

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Pornhub Premium, CBS All Access and WWE Network Are All Free for Your Coronavirus Quarantine

As the coronavirus quarantine continues, a lot of people are starting to go stir-crazy. There’s only so many times you can watch The Office on Netflix and sure Seinfeld is on Hulu but then you’d have to subscribe to Hulu and no one wants that. You just need something new to occupy your time with lest you be forced to spend quality time with your family.

Luckily, CBS All Access, WWE Network and Pornhub Premium are offering most or all of their content free for a limited time in order to encourage people to stay home and not be complicit in an apocalypse.

So I did my patriotic duty and checked out all that these services have to offer.

First up is the WWE Network. I’m not a huge pro wrestling fan anymore, but I was into it when I was a kid when the Monday Night Wars were going on. There’s a whole documentary series about that titled The Monday Night Wars, plus plenty of 80s and 90s WCW pay-per-views. Hell, you can watch every WrestleMania ever. I watched Hulk Hogan and Andre the Giant’s big match at WrestleMania III and then checked out a match I’d never seen before that featured my two favorite wrestlers, Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels at WrestleMania XXIV.

There’s still something beautiful about watching Ric Flair wrestle. He has a routine and he perfected that routine for 30+ years before this match at 59 years old and he executes it flawlessly. Flair performs almost all of his classic moves and bits (aside from the begging for mercy then punching the other guy in the dick routine) and the old timer even hits a crossbody from the top rope, the signature move of his most famous rival, Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat.

If you like pro wrestling or you ever liked pro wrestling and want to feel nostalgic, check out the WWE Network. If it was never your thing, you probably won’t find anything to change your mind. Still, it might be worth it to watch one of the new weekly shows the WWE is currently putting on just to see how weird pro wrestling is on a closed soundstage with no audience.

CBS All Access, on the other hand, is probably the worst paid streaming service. It’s basically a few exclusive shows added to the programming every other major network gives away for free in their apps but for $6 a month, or $10 without commercials. But you can get a month free if you use the code GIFT when you sign up for a free trial.

I can’t really stress enough how little content there is here. Aside from the most recent season of CBS’s current network shows (none of which are very good), there’s a tiny amount of content. There’s a few dozen movies and older TV shows, some of which are even pretty good like Frasier, Taxi, Everybody Hates Chris and Sabrina The Teenage Witch, but that’s it. I listed all the good shows there, aside from Legend of Korra, but they only have half of that.

You basically only want to get CBS All Access if you really, really like Star Trek. They own Star Trek, they have all the Star Trek shows and they’re making two new Star Trek shows as a last-ditch to get you to subscribe to this service. One of them is even good! You may as well use your free month to watch Star Trek: Picard, which launched its final first season episode today, because it is literally the only thing worth watching on this entire service.

Finally, there’s Pornhub Premium, which is letting people sign up for free to help “flatten the curve.” Stay home and jack off. I’m not entirely sold on the benefits of HD porn, though. The human body is disgusting and doesn’t need to be seen in that kind of clarity. For the love of god, pretend you’re filming Cybil Shepherd and smear some Vaseline on the camera lens. Still, premium gives you more variety so if you can’t quite find something to get you off, it could come in handy.

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Awkwafina is Speaking Out About the Recent Surge of Anti-Asian Racism

The coronavirus is scary and we don’t really know how to respond to it. When that happens, people start doing irrational things like panic-buying toilet paper because it essentially has an unlimited shelf life. There’s no shortage of toilet paper or food or basically anything you need to live your life; the only supply-chain disruptions I’ve heard of have been for consumer electronics because non-essential factories in China shut down or temporarily converted to making something more important. The reason grocery stories are empty is people are rushing and buying them out because they don’t know what else to do.

Some of the things people do when they’re scared and don’t know what to do are ugly, immoral and just plain disturbing, and that is the case with people who have turned their frustrations into just blatant racism against Asians.

If you stop and think for two seconds, you’ll realize that being Asian has nothing to do with contracting or spreading this disease, it just happened to evolve in the Wuhan area. And this racism is being stoked by *ahem* politicians who insist on calling the 2019 novel coronavirus the “Chinese virus” or something along those lines. I have some bad news for you, if anything it’s the New York Virus, it looks to be worse there than anywhere.

Awkwafina made a thoughtful Instagram post calling for people to stay safe and hopefully not internalize this extremely toxic rhetoric.

I am saddened by the rhetoric that has come out of this, and the cruelty that came as a result. I hope that while we self isolate and socially distance to stay safe, we also stay sane and calm. Wishing everyone a sense of peace during this batshit crazy time – I will be locking myself up for the next 2 weeks rewatching the Tiger King. Love you all

Look, the people who want you to blame China and Chinese people for this pandemic are trying to push the blame because they themselves have failed in some way. The response from a lot of countries has been entirely inadequate and the fault lies at the leaders of those countries. In fact, South Korea was able to avoid the worst effects of the virus despite the Korean Peninsula being relatively close to Wuhan because their government took this seriously and immediately enacted the precautions and testing needed to keep the virus from spreading through the population the way it did in Italy and New York.

This virus is not being spread because of anything the Asian guy sitting next to you on the bus did, it’s spreading because of what Andrew Cuomo and Donald Trump didn’t do.

Mulan actor Jimmy Wong wrote and performed a song on his social media account about this reaction to the virus, as well. We teased Jimmy for tweeting about how he wanted to take Brie Larson to the Mulan premier (seriously, brother, have your agent call her agent, don’t just @ her on Twitter) and this is a little cheesy but it’s so much better than that dumb Imagine video that I’m willing to let it slide.

I’d like to say that we’re better than this sort of racism, but obviously we’re not. I still believe we can be, though. So be better.

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The Rest of that Kanye West Phone Call with Taylor Swift About ‘Famous’ Leaked

The Taylor Swift/Kanye West feud is the gift that keeps on giving. Taylor Swift is usually feuding with basically everyone she’s ever met all the time because she’s a rich white lady and being huge bitches is their number one hobby.

But Kanye has a special place in Taylor’s heart because he is the one person to ever call an award show bullshit in the middle of someone’s self-aggrandizing acceptance speech, and that speech was being given by Taylor Swift.

One particular twist in this feud is when Swift was complaining about Kanye’s song ‘Reputation’ taking a shot at her, but Kim Kardashian released audio of Kanye and Taylor talking about it before the song came out.

But now even more of this conversation came out.

Okay, so it seems like Kanye didn’t tell her the part of the song where he says “I made that bitch famous.”

But the real story here is how ridiculous Swift’s fans are. “Kanye West is Over Party?” This nothingburger is the thing you think Kanye is going to get cancelled over? The guy who went on national TV and said George Bush doesn’t care about black people (which rocked)? The guy who married Kim Kardashian and then found god and tells her to cover up because it makes him look bad? The guy who rushed the stage when Taylor Swift was accepting a VMA and told her it should have gone to Beyonce? You think the thing people are going to decide is finally over the edge is that he wasn’t entirely honest with Taylor Swift once? C’mon.

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A Blemish Quarantine Guide: Learn to Cook on YouTube

The coronavirus sucks and it’s a huge problem. Hopefully you’re staying inside as much as possible to minimize your risk of actually getting it, as it can be really bad. You are not immortal, and even if you don’t get sick you don’t want to pass the disease on to someone who does. So just don’t leave the house unless you need to.

With that in mind, there’s not a whole lot going on right now other than the coronavirus, so we’re introducing a new series highlighting things you can do to keep yourself from going absolutely mental while you’re stuck at home.

You probably can’t cook as well as you think you can. I’m sure you can make a few dishes, but can you really cook? You should probably learn, it will help you with the opposite sex once it’s safe to go out again. Or the same sex. Hell, go for both sexes, that’s what David Bowie did and he was the greatest.

The first stops on your cooking journey should be the big professional channels: Bon Appetit, Epicurious and Tasty. The first two of those channels are run by big culinary magazines and Tasty is a part of Buzzfeed. Lynn Rossetto Kasper, former host of NPR’s The Splendid Table, used to recommend Bon Appetit and Epicurious’s websites for recipes because you knew they had been tested by actual chefs before being published. Their YouTube channels have those same chefs and food scientists showing you their processes in detail. But you probably know about those channels, so here are some channels, big and small, you might not know but you can learn a lot from.

Binging With Babish

Babish, real name Andrew Rea, is a pretty popular YouTuber who makes the food that you see on TV shows and in movies. One of the things I like about this is that he not only shows successes but also failures, something that will be a common theme in channels I recommend here.

Guga Foods and Sous Vide Everything

These two channels are hosted by the same guy named Guga. Guga Foods focuses on grilling and smoking and Sous Vide Everything is about cooking sous vide. Even if you don’t do either of those things, there’s a lot to learn here. For starters, Guga’s “life-changing burgers” did honestly change my life. These are the best hamburgers I’ve ever had in my entire life.

Watch that video and make it exactly like he does. Okay, you can use a cast iron skillet on your stove indoors, but otherwise do exactly what he does. Make the burgers, use the cheap American cheese, make the sauce and what the hell, try making the buns.

And check out Sous Vide Everything, too. Sous vide circulators used to be really expensive not that long ago, but I just bought one for $30 and it is amazing for making all kinds of foods. Guga, along with his cousin Maumau and their friend Ninja, are trying to sous vide everything to find what works and what doesn’t, and sometimes it’s as interesting and informational to see what doesn’t work.

David Seymour

Now this is an interesting cooking channel. David Seymour is just a young guy who lives with his parents and tests the recipes from the bigger channels like Tasty and Bon Appetit in a home kitchen to show what you can actually accomplish as a home cook.

Like Babish and like Guga, David isn’t a great cook, but you can see how much better he gets as time goes on and he’s done hundreds of these.


I love just using your own name as your YouTube channel when you’re a cooking show and not a celebrity, and just using your first name is a real baller move. Alex spends months and upwards of a dozen episodes focused on learning about and iterating on a single dish in order to get it just right.

This is how you’re going to learn to cook. You’re not going to do it once and nail it perfectly every time. You’re going to keep doing it, figure out what you did wrong, and do it again hopefully making fewer mistakes and eventually it will become a recipe in your repertoire.

How To Cook That

Ann Reardon is a food scientist, which is sort of like being a chef who knows not only how to cook but why the things you’re doing in the kitchen happen the way they do. Ann makes all sorts of crazy and amazing foods, but the best thing on her channel is debunking videos. Remember at the top of this article when I said that big channels with editorial staff tests their recipes before sharing them with the world? Well, some places don’t test their recipes and others just flat-out fake various “cooking hacks” videos. Ann shows you what would really happen so you hopefully don’t kill yourself.

Yeah. Some of these “hacks” are actively dangerous, so listen to Ann Reardon.

That’s five cooking channels that will not only keep you entertained but let you impress your surviving friends when you’re allowed outside again.

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Marvel’s ‘New Warriors’ Is Going to be the Dumbest Thing Ever

DC Comics has The Teen Titans and The Legion of Super-Heroes, two very popular comics featuring teams of teenaged super-heroes. Marvel has never really been able to nail that genre down despite having created Spider-Man and The X-Men, both of which started portraying their characters as young adults in the late 70s and early 80s.

Marvel’s attempts at teen super-heroes have mainly focused on X-Men spinoffs like The New Mutants, with mixed success. They struck gold with the critically-acclaimed Runaways and Young Avengers, but were completely unable to capitalize on those successes and turn them into popular ongoing series.

One of Marvel’s teen books, however, has a long history of being absolutely terrible and filled with the kind of incompetent pandering you’d expect from out-of-touch white men trying solve racism: New Warriors.

Just how bad was New Warriors? So bad that even the characters in it didn’t want to be in it. Firestar, the only character in it anyone actually cared about, spent most of time with her boyfriend whining about how the two of them deserved to be Avengers.

Marvel also tried to cram the title full of characters they believed were serving underrepresented demographics like paraplegic hero Silhouette who fought villains with her high-tech crutches and Rage, a black man who was previously invited to join the Avengers because he called Captain America racist.

I wish I was making this up. Hell, I wish I was capable of making this up, but even though I’m Irish-Italian, I’m nowhere near white enough to come up with a black teenager named Rage whose superpower is calling Captain America a cracker.

Following in that tradition, Marvel has announced a new version of the New Warriors that is every bit as pandering and stupid as the original. But before we get into that, let me give some background you’re unfortunately going to need to understand what’s going on.

Marvel’s writers and editors are entirely too online. And they’re constantly getting into fights with fans. The worst part is that they’re usually right. Like when a bunch of people for some reason got angry that some junior editors at Marvel got milkshakes. But they become insufferable even when they’re right by taking their online feuds into the books they’re writing.

“But Eric, comics have always been political!” Yeah, and I’m not saying don’t be political, I’m saying don’t be terrible.

They are really not taking my “don’t be terrible” advice to heart at all. So are you ready to see the new New Warriors?

Yeah, Snowflake and Safespace. Snowflake is nonbinary. Look, I don’t like the people who are online calling people snowflakes and going on about safe spaces either. That whole “lol, did I trigger you by saying the n-word, libtard?” schtick isn’t funny or clever. But this is absolutely terrible.

Here’s how writer Daniel Kibblesmith describes those two characters.

“Snowflake and Safespace are the twins,” the writer says, “and their names are very similar to Screentime; it’s this idea that these are terms that get thrown around on the internet that they don’t see as derogatory. [They] take those words and kind of wear them as badges of honor.

No one is reclaiming “snowflake” dude. No one cares. No one is insulted when @MAGA1488 calls them a snowflake but you. We just think they’re dipshits for a second and move on.

Remember earlier when I talked about Rage, the angry black teen created to teach us a valuable lesson about not being racist? Rage is actually in this book as a “mentor” to the new New Warriors. And there are more than just Snowflake and Safespace. It’s so lucky that I’m a writer and not a YouTuber I wouldn’t be able to say any of this out loud with a straight face.

The team also features someone named Screentime who is described as “A Meme-Obsessed super teen whose brain became connected to the internet after becoming exposed to his grandfather’s ‘experimental internet gas.’” I hate this so much because this concept was already done and done way better.

There’s also an emo vampire character because I guess Kibblesmith thinks Twilight and being emo are still hip things the kids do today do. Seriously, he actually said that he “wanted to have teen characters who felt as ‘now’ as the New Warriors did in 1990. The New Warriors have been zeitgeist characters from the beginning, you get edgy skateboarding Night Thrasher in the ’90s and the Reality TV team in the 2000s.” The New Warriors was terrible and lame in the 90s, so I guess he nailed it with his topical references like having an Edward Cullen character called B-Negative.

And then there’s fat Dora the Explorer.

Her power is literally having a magic backpack that she can pull things out of. I’m done. You know those rumors that Warner is on the verge of shutting DC down and exploding the entire comic book industry? I will take one of those now, please.

Now, there is some hope here. We could all die from Coronavirus before this ships. But there’s also a chance, a small, outside chance that this is an elaborate troll Daniel Kibblesmith is perpetrating on Marvel’s editorial staff. When he talks about the “edgy, skateboarding Night Thrasher in the 90s,” he could be as aware as we all are that New Warriors was some of the worst garbage Marvel pumped out in one of the worst eras in comic book history. Maybe he’s taking the piss here. Maybe they go the route of the original Exiles book and kill the entire team off after a few issues.

Marvel has put out a lot of unironically cringey books, so I’m not in the mood to give them the benefit of the doubt. But we’ll find out next month when the book hit stands. Unless we get lucky and a comet hits the Earth before then.

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Jared Leto Didn’t Learn About the Coronavirus Until Just Now

Jared Leto has been entirely ignorant of the massive coronavirus outbreak because he’s spent the past two weeks at a silent meditation retreat. I dare you to dream of a more Jared Leto sentence than that. I assume he’s been getting into character for a new film where he plays an insufferable douche, a role he’s been preparing for his whole life.

Jared Leto’s twitter account has been active the entire time he’s been away, which takes away a lot of the mystery of whether or not his social media is run by an intern.

Remember those rumors that Jared Leto was a cult leader a few months ago? It sounds more and more true every day. Jared Leto leading a cult is basically the only explanation for how a Jared Leto isn’t in a cult. Or Scientology. Which is definitely not a cult.

Leto isn’t the only person unaware of the coronavirus; contestants on the German version of the reality show Big Brother are about to learn about the outbreak live on the air.

That’s kind of perfect, I can’t think of who is more like a vapid reality TV contestant than Jared Leto. Dude walks out of an ashram somewhere and learns there’s a global pandemic and tweets “wow man, that’s so heavy. Peace and love!”

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TikTok Doesn’t Want Uggos, Fatties or Poors, Internal Docs Show

Have you ever noticed that everyone on TikTok is really hot?


Like to trigger the BOOMERS #bernie2020

♬ Okie dokie boomer – ixx_c00k13_xxi

Seriously, how hot is the “Okay, Boomer” girl?

In fact, pretty much all TikToks are either hot girls doing stupid dances, hot girls pointing to on-screen captions or cute animals.


♬ THICC BOIII – derrick_cdg

It turns out there’s a reason for that.

A new article by The Intercept shows that TikTok intentionally promotes attractive users and suppresses videos of people deemed too ugly, too fat or too poor.

Today, The Intercept and The Intercept Brasil are publishing two internal TikTok moderation documents, recreated with only minor redactions, below. One lays out bans for ideologically undesirable content in livestreams, and another describes algorithmic punishments for unattractive and impoverished users. The documents appear to have been originally drafted in Chinese and later — at times awkwardly — translated into English for use in TikTok’s global offices.

They also note that TikTok says that these policies are outdated, but the sources The Intercept talked to say they were in place in late 2019.

TikTok spokesperson Josh Gartner told The Intercept that “most of” the livestream guidelines reviewed by The Intercept “are either no longer in use, or in some cases appear to never have been in place,” but would not provide specifics. Regarding the policy of suppressing videos featuring unattractive, disabled, or poor users, Gartner stated that the rules “represented an early blunt attempt at preventing bullying, but are no longer in place, and were already out of use when The Intercept obtained them.”

Sources indicated that both sets of policies were in use through at least late 2019 and that the livestream policy document was created in 2019. Gartner would not explain why a document purportedly aimed at “preventing bullying” would make zero mention of bullying, nor why it offers an explicit justification of attracting users, not protecting them.

The guidelines themselves are interesting, basically saying it’ll attract more new users to the platform if it appears the people using it are rich and attractive, which I guess makes sense if TikTok were a dating site.

Because TikTok is a Chinese company, they also have a whole set of guidelines for not criticizing the Chinese government, which… get used to that, the rest of the Internet.

Luckily, sexism is still cool.


Just a joke, we appreciate women #foryou #4u #nosports :(

♬ The Finals (NBA Theme) – Dr. Cover Band

And hilarious.

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Chrissy Teigen’s Quarantine Advice: Have a $100 Bowl of Soup Delivered

Oh Chrissy Teigen, whatever would I do without you being on social media? Probably get a real job, so thank the lord you exist.

What dumbass thing did Chrissy do today? I should name a column that, I’m sure I could pump one of those out a week. It almost feels like cheating, but there’s not a lot going on because of the coronavirus social distancing.

Which brings us to what Chrissy Teigen did this week. Her advice for dealing with being on lockdown (which she claims isn’t an ad) is to just have a hundred dollar bowl of soup delivered.

Of course, she doesn’t see what the problem is with having a hundred dollar bowl of soup shipped across the country is.

I mean, okay, attacking her for giving her kid fresh fruit is probably over the line. It’s funny that she has no empathy or ability to relate to people who don’t have as much money as her, but fresh fruit is not some extravagance that only the rich can afford; a hundred dollar bowl of soup or a three-pack of personal-sized pizzas for $85 is absolutely just for the rich. It’s absolutely not worth it even if you are rich.

The thing that makes Chrissy so entertaining is she will just go on and on about this stuff all day.

I used to think that the best part about Twitter was that you could tell rich assholes that they’re assholes instead of just yelling it at the TV. But the actual best thing is watching rich assholes melt down about their mentions because so many people are correctly telling them that they’re assholes.

Chrissy never quite gets to why people are pissed off at her.

But you know she was thinking about this all day. Because she referenced it in a tweet 10 hours later.

We’ve moved on, Chrissy. We had dinner and watched Bob’s Burgers. What are you doing with your life that you need approval this bad?

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Is Disney Making a Mistake by Keeping ‘Song of the South’ in the Vault?

Disney would rather you forget about Song of the South, the Academy Award winning live action/animated feature from 1946 about a black man in the South during reconstruction named Uncle Remus who tells some annoying-ass white kids about Br’er Rabbit and how good slaves had it before Lincoln went poking his nose where it didn’t belong. Okay, not exactly, but it’s pretty close.

Disney really wants to forget this movie exists, though, and Bob Iger, who I thought had retired, reaffirmed the other day that Song of the South would be staying in the Disney Vault and would never come to Disney+. Which probably would have been easier had they not used the song ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah’ in a massive, extremely famous ad campaign for their parks. They also built a theme park ride, Splash Mountain, themed to the film, and that’s become famous as the ride ladies take their boobs out on.

Now, I’ve seen Song of the South, I had a VHS made from a Japanese LaserDisc in the 90s. It’s not a particularly good movie. The Academy Award it won was for the song ‘Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah’ and not for the story, though Uncle Remus actor James Baskett was given an honorary Oscar a few years later. And while Baskett’s performance is certainly good, the live-action segments that make up the bulk of the movie are pretty uninspired, and you’ll just wish they had cut them way down to just be simple wrap-arounds for more Br’er Rabbit shorts, since the film only has three.

Of course, the problem with film is that Uncle Remus is sort of an Uncle Tom character and even though the film is set during Reconstruction, he’s definitely based on the contented slave who lives to make little white kids happy stereotype. It’s not just the the movie hasn’t aged well; African-American organizations protested the film when it was first released. It wasn’t meant to be racist, it was essentially the result of letting a bunch of rich, white studio execs get together and say “Alright, let’s make a movie to show people that the blacks are okay, the way only white people can!”

But the question is should the movie remain hidden from view or are we mature enough as a nation to watch something that might be objectionable with a critical eye. The answer is yes, of course we are, it’s not even that bad. Yes, it seriously downplays the horrors of slavery and the racism of the South during reconstruction, but I have trouble seeing it as particularly more racist than the crows in Dumbo; I would say Dumbo is actually significantly more racist than Song of the South.

But I don’t actually think the problem with Song of the South from Disney’s perspective is that it’s racist; I think the problem is that it’s bad. Most people have not seen this movie and were it made widely available on Disney+, there would be a lot of people piling in to watch it to write think-pieces like this one who would realize that it just isn’t a very good movie. The truth is that anyone who wants to see the movie bad enough can do so relatively easily; I managed to do so in the days before widespread internet, you can certainly find it a post-bitttorent world if you were determined to do so.

What Disney actually should do is to cut the three Br’er Rabbit cartoons from the film and put them on Disney+; they’re actually good and are based on African-American folk tales, there really should be no controversy.

Disney probably doesn’t want to draw any more attention to the film and releasing the animated shorts from it would likely just renew calls from people who want to see the film and don’t know how to use Google, but it’s a shame because they are good and they’re an actual part of African-American history that we don’t really hear about anymore today. People might be more exposed to these Br’er Rabbit folk tales if Disney hadn’t tried so hard to bury this film.

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Out of An Abundance of Caution, Absolutely Everything is Cancelled Because of the Coronavirus

I hope you didn’t have any plans, because they’re cancelled. Pretty much any plans, really. South by Southwest? Cancelled. E3? Cancelled. Had concert tickets? They’re cancelled. Wanted to head to the stadium and catch a ball game? Cancelled and even more cancelled. Gonna go to church and pray because you’re worried about it? Cancelled. Want to leave the country? Nope.

Okay, so, you’re not going anywhere. At least you can watch some TV right? Maybe catch up on Riverdale? Nope.

Experts are even suggesting we should cancel our orgies to fight the spread of the coronavirus. That is a bridge too far, my friend. Why even bother to not get the coronavirus if it leads to a world without orgies?

On the bright side, Daniel Radcliffe doesn’t have the coronavirus despite a fake viral article. But unfortunately, Tom Hanks does. Man, I hope he’s okay.

But at least we know O.J. Simpson is staying safe from the virus.

So what can you do? Well, you can go to work unless you want to get fired, lose your house and starve to death, which kind of defeats the purpose of closing everything to begin with.

But there are lots of things to do if you’re stuck inside. Red Dead Redemption 2 and Spider-Man for PS4 are pretty cheap now. You could also watch all those Netflix original comedies like Bojack Horseman and Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt until they start to go downhill, which is almost universally after the first season. Big Mouth has a pretty consistent level of quality, but that’s mostly because it’s a really low bar to being with. We get it, the Too Much Tuna guys are horny teenagers and it’s woke but not really.

I’m not a doctor, but I am on social media so I feel qualified to give medical advice. We don’t know how bad this outbreak is going to be, just that it will fall somewhere between “not very” and “extremely”.

You’ve no doubt heard the advice; wash your hands, don’t touch your face, avoid crowds. It doesn’t mean you won’t get sick but it does decrease your chances of getting sick and that’s the best you can do.

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Hilary Duff Wants Off of Disney+, Would Like ‘Lizzie McGuire’ Reboot to Head to Hulu

How bad does your streaming service have to be that people would rather be on Hulu? No one wants to be on Hulu. The Handmaid’s Tale doesn’t want to be on Hulu and it’s such a big hit for the platform that you probably have a decent idea what it’s about from references made to it on shows people actually watch.

But following Disney’s exile of the family-unfriendly Love, Simon TV spin-off and it’s LGBT themes to Hulu, Hilary Duff is actually hoping her Lizzie McGuire reboot similarly gets sent to Disney’s streaming sitcom graveyard.

View this post on Instagram

Lizzie McGuire

A post shared by Hilary Duff (@hilaryduff) on

Was incredibly excited to launch ‘Lizzie’ on D+ and my passion remains! However, I feel a huge responsibility to honor the fans’ relationship with Lizzie who, like me, grew up seeing themselves in her. I’d be doing a disservice to everyone by limiting the realities of a 30-year-old’s journey to live under the ceiling of a PG rating. It’s important to me that just as her experiences as a preteen/teenager navigating life were authentic, her next chapters are equally as real and relatable. It would be a dream if Disney would let us move the show to Hulu, if they were interested, and I could bring this beloved character to life again.

I have two things to say about this. The first is obvious: Disney has been making assembly-line entertainment for decades now. Disney Channel sitcoms often get three seasons and then cancelled regardless of how well they’re doing in the ratings because Disney thinks their audience for the channel only sticks around for about three years. Probably doesn’t hurt that three years is right around when actors would get pay raises, either. Disney is more interested in consistency than creativity, and Duff clearly wants to break out of the mold, which is how you get cancelled before ever going to air at Disney.

The other thing worth mentioning is that Disney deciding Disney+ had to be “family friendly” was a big mistake. They should have gone with the Netflix model of for kids accounts and all-access accounts. The streamer isn’t even four months old and they’re already running into issues with what “family-friendly” means with borderline young adult shows like Love, Victor and Lizzie. It defeats the purpose of an all-in-one-place Disney streaming service if half your catalogue is going to be on Hulu.

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Mike Tyson Will Fuck You Up If You Joke About His Daughter

It is generally not smart to fuck with Mike Tyson. You know, unless you’re Buster Douglas, then have at it, Hoss. But for you and I, not smart. And it’s especially not smart to joke about Tyson’s daughter.

Comedian Michael Blackson learned this the hard way after he posted a picture of a story claiming Tyson was offering ten million dollars for someone to marry his daughter. It seems like a fake story because I don’t care what Pigeon and Marcus say, Yung Hee is really cute.

Blackson posted a picture of a DM conversation he says he had with the champ in a now-deleted Instagram post, and let’s just say it didn’t go well for him.

Blackson sent this message to Mike:

If this is true, I think I’m finally ready to settle down. I known I’ve been dipping n dapping a few snow bunnies and Asian persuasion but I’m ready for your beautiful queen. I’m ready to give u some grand kids that will have the complexion of Tyson Bedford, knowledge pf Cicely Tyson, talk like you Mike Tyson and hopefully not built like Tyson Fury. I really don’t give a fuck about the money but I’ll take it. Waiting to hear from you father in law sir.

Here’s the reply he got:

Listen u black little bitch, this shit ain’t real and soon as I find the person that started that meme, imma knock them the fuck out so make sure it ain’t you burnt roach looking bitch. My daughter is happily in a relationship with a nice looking man so she’s not interested in an overcooked hotdog like you. Next time you do my podcast, imma knock the black off u, it might take a year because you black as fuck. Gtfo my dm before I get your black ass deported you geico lizard looking bitch.

I would not do his podcast if I were Blackson. Then again this could all be made up, and I hope it is because otherwise I’m about to get my ass kicked by Mike for making a joke about his daughter being Yung Hee a few paragraphs back.

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Disney Moves ‘Love, Simon’ TV Series to Hulu Because Gays Aren’t Family-Friendly

Disney really wants you to think they are LGBT friendly and are doing their best to give representation to LGBT people. They don’t. They do not give a shit about the LGBT community, they just want those sweet, sweet rainbow dollar bills.

We’ve seen this song and dance from Disney before. Remember when they promised there would be unprecedented LGBT preparation in The Last Skywalker and then it was a scene lasting one second of some extras kissing in the background that was cut from homophobic markets? Well Lucy pulled the football out again as Disney announced they were pulling their Love, Simon series, now called Love, Victor, from Disney+ and shunting it off to bastard stepchild streaming service Hulu because it’s not “family friendly.”

Here’s what Variety reported about Disney’s motivation.

Sources also note that Disney felt many issues explored on the show, including alcohol use and sexual exploration, would not fit in with the family-friendly content on Disney Plus.

The Simpsons and The Mandalorian are on Disney+. The Simpsons has about a hundred episodes about alcohol use, including one where Homer and Bart become bootleggers after Bart gets drunk on St. Patrick’s Day. There’s also an episode where Homer and Marge start getting off on being caught during sex and up running home naked. They also have The Simpsons Movie which shows Bart’s penis. As for The Mandalorian, spoilers, but Baby Yoda roasts a Stormtrooper to death with his own flamethrower.

They clearly pushed this show to Hulu because they don’t think gay people existing is family friendly. Which makes them less progressive than South Park, who we’ve been hearing for years poisoned the minds of an entire generation. In the season 18 finale, Butters told Kyle his Christmas idea was gay, Kyle said he was going for wholesome and Butters relied “Gay is wholesome.” Disney doesn’t think gay is wholesome. They just keep telling you they’re adding LGBT characters to films and then only show that through a throw-away line they can cut out for China.

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Harvey Weinstein Guilty, Remanded to Police Custody to Await Sentencing

Harvey Weinstein has been found guilty of two of the five counts he was indicted for, those being the third-degree rape of Jessica Mann and a criminal sexual act in the first degree against Miriam Haley. He was handcuffed and remanded into police custody and denied bail as he awaits sentencing on March 11th, with his conviction carrying a potential sentence of 5 to 25 years.

These were the least-serious charges Weinstein was accused of, and he was found not guilty of two counts of predatory sexual assault and one count of first degree rape against Jessica Mann. These were always going to be either-or convictions, he couldn’t have been found guilty of all five. The different charges were basically allowing jurors to choose to what degree Weinstein raped Mann and Haley.

The good news for Weinstein is that he apparently, somewhat miraculously, no longer needs the walking frame he’d been using throughout the trial. Once that verdict came in, he could walk perfectly fine when he was escorted out. The bad news is he’s still facing charges of rape and sexual assault in California and being convicted of those things in New York isn’t going to make him very likely to be acquitted.

There was a lot of reaction online; one common theme was that outlets like ours can now refer to Weinstein as a “convicted rapist” or just “rapist” instead of “alleged rapist.” That’s the sort of language we use to cover our asses legally from defamation for terrible people who are also litigious. Like if an unnamed actress had been physically and emotionally abusing her husband, but made it seem like she was really the victim, we would still refer to it as “alleged abuse” unless she admitted or was convicted of it no matter how absolutely sure we were she did it. Hypothetically.

It seems like most people had something to say about Weinstein being convicted, and none of it is anything Weinstein would be happy to read.

Yesterday, I wrote about how Weinstein’s potential acquittal wouldn’t be a miscarriage of justice, but clearly justice is better served by this verdict. I believe the goal of justice should be reparative and not punitive, but Harvey Weinstein is a rape golem with no dick who terrorized Hollywood for decades so anything that stops him is good news.

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Chrissy Teigen Really Seems To Want To Eat a Person

Celebrities all have their own weird little quirks you come to find out about if you follow them. It’s just small things like how Jameela Jamil overdramatizes things and makes things up to make herself sound more interesting (this is a common one) and Debrah Messing constantly talks about politics even though she’s dumb as hell and has no idea what’s going on (another popular choice). It turns out that Chrissy Teigen’s little quirk is that she really wants to eat another human being.

I know you’re thinking I’m making this up, but hear me out. Teigen was on Strahan, Sara & Keke today and said she’d eat human meat if she was offered some. You know, like at a party or something and the waiter had a tray of mini quiches and Charles-cuterie.

Now, clearly this isn’t the first time she’s said it, the hosts asked her about it because she had previously mentioned it on the Netflix series Breakfast, Lunch, & Dinner. But she also tweeted about her willingness to have a little human meat, as a treat, as far back as 2014.

I don’t know what to say about this. She says that the person she’s eating would have to be okay with it, which is also what German cannibal Armin Meiwes did and absolutely zero people think that isn’t fucked up.

Is now a good time to point out that Teigen has a cookware line and has written more than one cookbook?

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Constance Wu Really Worked in a Strip Club for ‘Hustlers’

I’m not entirely sure is Constance Wu is the most-hated person in Hollywood, but she seems like a strong contender since you don’t hear much about Anne Hathaway anymore. All it takes is one prolonged social media meltdown about how much you hate having to do the TV show that made you famous and suddenly people don’t like you for some reason.

Jared Leto, another strong contender for biggest dipshit in Hollywood, is famous for his method acting, but Wu one-upped him by actually becoming a stripper to research her role in Hustlers. Here’s what she told Kelly Clarkson, via Page Six.

“I went undercover. I gave lap dances to strangers.”

That’s a big part of the job. If I went to strip club and had a chance to get dry-humped by Constance Wu during a hair metal song I’d take it.

The actress said she put fake tattoos on her neck and added hairpieces, as Clarkson said: “You are so method.”

Wu replied: “You can’t duplicate it, the first time you walk into a club and say ‘Hey, I would like to have a job here’ and then you go work that night.”

Yeah, normally for Candice she gets forced to work and bitches about it on social media while still talking about how important the show she was hoping would get cancelled is.

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Blac Chyna Says Choking Rob Kardashian With a Phone Charger was a Joke, Asks to Have Charges Dismissed

One of my favorite pranks around The Blemish offices is to grab a phone cord, wrap it around one of my coworkers’ throats and just choke the life out of them. It’s just a fun joke, like the one Sollozo played on Luca Brasi in The Godfather.

Hollywood Life reports that Blac Chyna played this funny prank on Rob Kardashian during a fight and doesn’t understand why he’s being such a bitch about it, because it clearly wasn’t assault.

Blac Chyna, 31, according to her attorney, Lynne M. Ciani, is seeking to dismiss a lawsuit filed against her by ex-fiancé Rob Kardashian, 32, saying that while his statement that she wrapped a phone charger around his neck is correct, she did not try to “strangle” him, as he claimed. Chyna, according to new court documents obtained by HollywoodLife on Feb. 12, told attorney Martin Singer in a September 2019 video testimony that she put the cord around Rob’s neck “jokingly, yeah,” during an alleged December 2016 fight. “And then after that, we had fun.” She also admitted to ripping Rob’s shirt that night, but couldn’t recall if it was before or after the phone charger incident.

See, just a friendly garroting, not any sort of assault or domestic abuse.

That’s why, as reported by Page Six, Chyna is requesting the charges against her thrown out.

“Chyna has submitted evidence to the court proving that she never committed assault and battery against Rob and that his case should be thrown out of court,” attorney Lynne M. Ciani said in a statement.

Her evidence, for course, is that she said it was a joke. Just like the time she pointed a gun at him and threatened to kill him, via TMZ.

Chyna says Rob testified she pointed his gun at him, and told his friends she would kill him if he “messes up.” In her docs, BC says everyone knew it was a joke, and she had NO intention of pulling the trigger.

I mean, case closed, give this woman a medal.

The Amber Heard Award for Outstanding Feminism.

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Does Jameela Jamil Routinely Fake Illnesses for Clout or Does She Just Have Every Disease?

There’s a Korean variety show on Netflix and Viki called Please Take Care of My Refrigerator (Chef and My Fridge on Netflix) where the premise is celebrities have their refrigerators brought to the studio and eight of the best chefs in Korea use their ingredients to cook dinner for them. One of the chefs, Yoo Hyun-soo, had developed a reputation for claiming to have whatever ailment the celebrity guests might mention they have and telling them his dish will help them with it. He was so infamous for this that it was the basis of the award he got in the series finale, where he admitted he was lying without even realizing he was doing it when he talked to guests.

This appears to be a habit Jameela Jamil shares with Chef Yoo, though she denies it. But a viral social media post laid out all of the diseases, conditions and accidents Jamil has claimed to have and there are a lot of them.

Jameela claims to have been in at least three crippling accidents, including twice having been hit by a car while being chased by bees. She claims to have had cancer twice. She also had mercury poisoning which gave her a temporary peanut allergy. This one sounds true because mercury poisoning can cause low intelligence and, well…

Jamil also claims to have Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, a disorder that causes chronic pain along with hyper-mobility, or the ability to bend and stretch abnormally far.

Jamil, like Lena Dunham and Elizabeth Warren, is very offended by the suggestion she’s a fabulist, and took to Twitter to let everyone know she has in fact been chased into traffic by bees on two separate occasions.


This one has become sort of a meme.

Oh Jameela, don’t ever change. Just tell everyone you’ve changed and then tell you haven’t and then get mad when people think that makes no sense.

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Harvey Weinstein Trial Looks Like It Will Revolve Around Whether or Not a Woman Had an Orgasm

Harvey Weinstein’s rape trial has become more of a public spectacle than anyone thought was actually possible before it started, and it really seemed likely that it would be a spectacle. But I don’t think anyone was expecting to hear that Harvey has a deformed dick and no balls.

Jessica Mann gave very vivid, moving testimony about Weinstein and how he has to use an injected drug to get his dick hard and that she faked an orgasm when he forced her to let him go down on her.

But Weinstein’s defense team countered her testimony with the testimony of Mann’s roommate Talita Maia, who essentially disputed every word of Mann’s testimony, except for the parts about Weinstein having a tiny, deformed, broken penis that smells like literal shit. So, you know, worked out well for Harvey.

According to Page Six, Maia testified that Mann called Weinstein her soulmate, never told her that he had raped her at the time she alleged it happened, and said Mann called the orgasm she testified to having faked as being “the best I ever had.”

The witness, who was Mann’s roommate in Los Angeles, claimed that her former friend “seemed to really like [Weinstein] as a person.

“She said a few times that he was her spiritual soulmate,” said Maia, adding that Mann never told her the producer hurt or raped her.

Weinstein seems to be presenting a narrative portraying Mann as accusing him of rape because he rejected her, which seems like it would be a better defense if not for all the deformed broken dick stuff. Jurors saw naked pictures of Weinstein show by the prosecution that apparently re-enforced Mann’s description of him.

Harvey has never been described as someone with the kind of personality that would lead a partner to overlook his physical flaws, either. He has a reputation as a mean son of a bitch who thinks he’s a genius, not some smooth, charming womanizer. Everyone knew for decades that Weinstein was basically always seen with beautiful women only because they thought it would be good for their careers but in most cases it turns out that having sex with a producer to get a role doesn’t mean you can act and usually indicates the opposite.

Weinstein’s case now seems to boil down to “he said, she said.” So what do you believe? That Harvey Weinstein, who has been accused of rape and other forms of sexual misconduct by many, many women was in a consensual sexual relationship with this attractive young actress and that a woman whose biggest role to date was as an extra on Big Time Rush almost a decade ago voluntarily slept with him, possibly to help her career, and then accused him of raping her once he was exposed as an alleged predator as a plot to get even with him? Or that Weinstein felt so entitled to sex as a powerful producer that he just forced himself on her as he allegedly did with many other women? They both sound plausible to me.

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Stripper Falls 15 Feet Off Pole, Then Gets Up and Twerks With a Broken Jaw

I have seen strippers do some crazy things in my life. Like have sex with Ron Jeremy. Seriously. Yikes. But I’ve never seen a stripper fall 15 feet, land on her face and then get back up and keep stripping.

But that’s just what Genea Sky did, and video of the accident went viral.

She answered a few questions about it on Twitter.

Yes, I fell off the pole.
Yes, I fractured my jaw.
NO, I’m not fucking okay.
And there’s absolutely NOTHING funny about this situation. This is the worst pain I’ve ever felt and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

Luckily, though, her surgery went well and she’s recovering.

She’ll be back on that poll in no time, I’m sure.

View this post on Instagram

Growing into M Y S E L F🌱

A post shared by @ genea_sky on

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‘Parasite’ Wins Big At Oscars

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s check the scoreboard and see if Quentin Tarantino made the best movie of the year for like the seventh time only to once again be robbed of both Best Picture and Best Director, two awards he should have won enough to be able to swim in like Scrooge McDuck.


The big news at last nights Oscar awards was Korean comedy-thriller Parasite’s relative dominance, coming away with statues for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay and Best International Feature Film. Bong Joon-Ho’s film is a lesson to Hollywood that making an overtly left-wing political film and marketing it as being a good movie is going to pay off a lot better than making a mediocre-to-bad film and marketing it as having good politics.

The moment of the night, though, was Joaquin Phoenix winning his Best Actor Oscar for Joker and then going on a crazy rant about veganism. This was the cause of much consternation on social media among film critics too dumb to realize Joker and Parasite were making the exact same political points. Still mad they didn’t get a shooting to write about.

For some reason Eminem performed ‘Lose Yourself’ and Martin Scorsese fell asleep during it, which was absolutely the right call and maybe the best thing Scorsese has done since Goodfellas.

Renee Zellweger picked up her second Oscar, the first for Lead Actress, for Judy, a movie no one saw or had even heard of before tonight but is apparently about the life of Judy Garland.

While my man QT was robbed once again and you fuckers had better recognize him when his next and final film is released, he did pick up Best Production Design for Once Upon a Time… in Hollywood and Brad Pitt got a well-deserved Best Supporting Actor.

Rounding out the major awards was Laura Dean getting Best Supporting Actress for Marriage Story because I guess they have to give it to someone and Natalie Portman’s dumbass cape embroidered with the names of all the female directors who weren’t good enough to be nominated for an Oscar. You know, they say it’s an honor just to be nominated, but can you name a single movie that was nominated and didn’t win in 2018? Do you even remember who won? Has anyone mentioned that dumbass Three Billboards movie that had all that Oscar hype even once since March 4th, 2018? The answer is no because it lost Best Picture to a movie where a lady fucks a fish.

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Kesha Defamed Dr. Luke, Manhattan Supreme Court Rules

Things are not going well for Kesha in her ongoing court battle with Dr. Luke, her former producer. It turns out people don’t like it when you call them a rapist and it isn’t true. And when Kesha texted Lady GaGa to tell her Dr. Luke raped Katy Perry, that was defamation and Perry has sworn under oath that it isn’t true.

Page Six reported that a judge ruled against Kesha in the defamation suit Dr. Luke brought against her.

“Kesha made a false statement to Lady Gaga about Gottwald that was defamatory per se,” Manhattan Supreme Court Justice Jennifer Schecter wrote in a decision Thursday.

“There is no evidence whatsoever that Gottwald raped Katy Perry,” Schecter said.

“Moreover, publication of a false statement to even one person, here Lady Gaga, is sufficient to impose liability,” the judge said.

That’s pretty clear-cut even for someone who isn’t a lawyer to understand. The judge also refused to release her from her contract with Dr. Luke and added an interest payment of over $300,000 to the $1.3 million she owes him for royalties.

Still open is the question of Dr. Luke’s defamation lawsuit against Kesha for claiming he raped her. That is less cut and dry because obviously there’s no deposition of Kesha saying he never raped her, and will be determined by a jury trial at a later date. But things are not looking good for Kesha today.

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Jameela Jamil Comes Out As ‘Queer’ In Response to Criticism Over New Show

Did you know ballroom dancing is gay? I personally had no idea, though if you asked me to guess I probably would have hit the mark on that one. But apparently it’s not only gay but it is in fact so gay that Jameela Jamil decided she needed to come out as ‘queer’ to defend being on a show about ballroom dancing called Legendary.

Jamil made a tweet about it and it is exactly as dumb as you’re probably thinking.

Jamil says, among other things, “I know that my being queer doesn’t qualify me as ballroom,” which… what?

Here’s the thing about Jameela Jamil, which you may not know if you’re only familiar with her from The Good Place; she’s dumb as shit. I’m basing this on the time I saw her on The Great Comic Relief Bake-Off and she came off as being incompetent and, well, dumb as shit.

Heres an example of her big dumbass energy, watch as she tells Seth Meyers how she tried to curl her hair with a vibrator.

Her height has a done a huge amount of heavy lifting in getting her a career as a presenter.

Setting aside that ‘queer’ could mean virtually anything, I don’t see how it’s helpful to say “no, see, I can totally watch ballroom dancing, I’m queer!” You obviously don’t have to be gay to be a ballroom dancer, much less a ballroom dancing reality show judge.

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