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Woman in Kevin Hart Sex Tape Wants $60 Million, Seems Like Reasonable Price for Sleeping With Kevin Hart

I still cannot get over the fact that Kevin Hart has a sex tape. It has officially caused way more problems for Hart than it was worth because now his scene partner is suing him for $60 million, as reported by E!.

Now two years later, Sabagg is accusing Hart of allowing his friend, JT Jackson, to “set up a hidden video recording device” in the hotel room and record their sexual relations. The lawsuit states that Hart “conspired” with Jackson “for the purpose of obtaining tremendous financial benefit for himself” by drumming up publicity for Hart’s Irresponsible Tour.

This makes no sense. Kevin Hart is the most popular stand-up comic in the world, why would he need to leak a sex tape like some dumbass heiress to get attention? Bitch, he was on Modern Family. Recurring! When it was still good! And judging by all the homophobic comments he got fired from the Oscars for, he probably doesn’t suck dick nearly as well as Paris Hilton.

TMZ reported that when the story first broke, Montia Sabbag said Hart was a victim and she didn’t want any money from him. Her tune has changed, but Hart is inclined to hold her to what she originally said.

We’re told Kevin, who is recovering from horrific injuries as a result of his car crash, will not pay Sabbag a penny. There will be no settlement.

But why would she change her tune like this and suddenly turn on Hart? Well, Radar Online has a theory.

“Tia has been trying to get into modeling and acting. She recently lost a movie role because someone made a call and mentioned the sex tape,” the source alleged.

The rejection caused Sabbag to realize that her acting career may never take off, said the insider, who confirmed the role was for a “legitimate movie and not X-rated.”

Again, I find this hard to believe because, well, Kim Kardashian is a huge star, and Paris Hilton used to be famous, too. Since when has Making a sex tape with, again, one of the biggest stars in the word, hurt anyone’s career? If she’s having trouble booking films, it’s only because we haven’t seen the tape yet.

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A Second Kevin Spacey Accuser Has Died, Probably Just a Coincidence, Right?

It’s a good time to be Kevin Spacey and a bad time to be someone who accused Kevin Spacey of sexual assault. For some reason, that I’m sure is a coincidence, two people who have accused Kevin Spacey of sexual assault have died just this year.

The first was a woman named Linda Culkin, who was kind of crazy. After she heard from a patient that Spacey had assaulted them, Culkin began a scorched-earth campaign of terror against Spacey for which she was ultimately sent to prison.

But she was also the first person to publicly accuse Spacey of being a sex pest. And she just sort of carelessly stepped out into traffic.

What a silly lady. Whoops!

Then a second accuser, a masseur who said Spacey had assaulted him during a massage, suddenly died, according to The Hollywood Reporter.

The individual, suing as a “John Doe,” filed claims in September 2018 with the allegation of being forced to grab the actor’s genitals twice during a massage two years earlier at a private residence in Malibu. In May, a federal judge in California allowed the case to move forwarddespite Spacey’s objection that the plaintiff’s identity was being shielded.

Now, just a month after the parties came to a plan for proceeding in the suit that detailed prospective discovery and envisioned a seven- to 11-day trial, the plaintiff’s attorney has informed Spacey that the client “recently passed.”

Spacey’s team wasted no time notifying the court, which puts the plaintiff’s estate on a 90-day clock to take over the case before it’s dismissed. It would be irresponsible of Spacey’s lawyers not to do this, but his anonymous accuser’s lawyer was still pissed.

Doe’s lawyer Genie Harrison on Wednesday sent The Hollywood Reporter a lengthy statement in response to the filing. “It is true that Mr. Doe recently died,” said Harrison. “His untimely death was, to his family, a devastating shock that they are struggling to process and is so recent that they have not yet held his funeral service. Out of professional responsibility, we notified Spacey’s counsel of Mr. Doe’s passing. We explained our intent to allow his family more time to get past their immediate, paralyzing grief and begin settling his affairs before we filed a death notice with the court — which is our prerogative as his counsel. Spacey ignored our request for compassion and filed the notice yesterday without our consent.”

And all this is taking place not long after another civil and criminal case against Spacey was dismissed when the accuser suddenly started taking the fifth and not cooperating with the prosecution. That kid is lucky he avoided whatever weird Mummy’s Curse is affecting people who accuse Spacey of sexual misconduct that Kevin Spacey definitely has nothing to do with.

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Firefighters Called to Scene of ‘Massive Semen Explosion’

When I saw the phrase “Massive Semen Explosion” trending on social media, I thought maybe my favorite porn star, Bailey Jay, had a new video or something. But it was a literal explosion of semen. Specifically cow semen. Newsweek had the details. Man, remember when they covered actual news and politics? I like this better.

Country Fire Authority Gippsland commander Chris Loeschenkohl said the crew had to be wary of “projectiles” coming at them while they tackled the blaze.

“The liquid inside the cylinders was rapidly expanding and essentially the lids of the cryogenic cylinders were just popping off the top and projectiles were being thrown from the building,” he told ABC.

Next time my girlfriend gives me a blowjob I’m going to tell her to “be wary of projectiles” that might smack her in the face. I’m just saying.

Now that the fire is out, someone is going to be putting in a lot of overtime jacking off bulls.

Yarram Herd Services Committee vice chairman Aaron Thomas said the loss of 100 cryogenic cylinders of cattle semen will be a “huge blow” for the farmers.

“The actual cylinders are worth between $500 (U.S. $342) and $1,000 per unit but the semen inside them varies in price,” he said.

“We’re coming into the AI season so there would have been substantial amounts of semen inside the tanks that we’ve lost, which was owned by our local farmers, and it can range in value from $5 per straw to $95 per straw.”

According to my indefatigable research, a “straw” is sort of like a bullet full of bull cum you shoot inside a cow’s vagina to get it pregnant. I’m 100% sure I’m on some sort of list now for Googling “bull semen,” too.

Just remember that when you think your job sucks, at least you aren’t getting an RSI from refilling Australia’s dangerously low bull semen supplies.

To add insult to injury, Newsweek classified the semen explosion as a “huge blow” to the cattle industry. I’m just not going to be able to top that.

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‘Saturday Night Live’ Fires Controversial New Hire Shane Gillis in Desperate Attempt to Cling to Relevance

I don’t know if you’ve caught Saturday Night Live lately, but it was been terrible for years. How terrible, you ask?

That sketch lasted three minutes! That’s twice as long as the cue card scene in Love, Actually lasts to begin with. And in that three minutes the only actual joke is Clinton saying she’s never seen a movie.

Which is to say the bar was not high for Shane Gillis when he was hired. All he had to do was be as funny as Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Unfortunately for Gillis, he did a racism on a podcast 20 people listened to, so he got fired before he ever made it onto the show.

The shocking thing to me is how long it took internet “detectives” to find a year-old clip of Gillis using the word “chink” in a rant about Chinatown. Literally only an hour or two after he was announced as a cast member were people all over this obscure podcast.

When I was a kid, we started to see these conservative Christian groups spring up where all they did was watch every show on broadcast television and look for things to complain to the FCC about. They would not only complain, though, but they would mobilize a network of followers to complain, and threaten advertiser boycotts. I can’t help but think the same thing is going on now, only instead of trying to get Ellen DeGeneres cancelled for being gay they’re trying cancel Dave Chappelle for saying “fag”.

The consensus on Twitter is pretty much the same joke about him turning right-wing and getting a Netflix special.

Seriously, I just picked on the checkmarks here but there are hundreds of tweets of this exact same joke. To be fair, it’s funnier than anything that Saturday Night Live has written since John Mulaney left.

If there’s one person who knows about getting fired by Saturday Night Live, it’s Norm Macdonald. Norm was fired for making too many jokes about O.J. Simpson being a murderer, and that rankled NBC executive Don Ohlmeyer, a friend of Simpson. So it’s no surprise Norm reaches out to him.

Gillis, for his part, made a statement on Twitter.

I was on his side until he said he was a Mad TV guy. Aside from My White Momma that show was just five minute sketches based on answers from an @Midnight hashtag game.

But at least we know this sort of racism against Asians has no place at Saturday Night Live.

Oh.

The post ‘Saturday Night Live’ Fires Controversial New Hire Shane Gillis in Desperate Attempt to Cling to Relevance appeared first on The Blemish.

Is Gwyneth Paltrow Posting Naked Pictures on Instagram Now?

Gwyneth Paltrow sells a lot of really dumb bullshit. You know, like jade eggs to shove inside your vagina and vampire repellent and that sort of thing. But apparently she’s fresh out of pants, because Goop just posted a picture that looks a whole like Gwyneth with her bare ass sticking out.

It raises a lot of questions. Questions like “Is that really Gwyneth Paltrow?” And “Couldn’t she have done this 25 years ago when her ass didn’t look like two deflated hams?”

The picture garnered a lot of criticism because the model, whether or not it’s Paltrow, appears to be so thin her ribcage is showing.

Except it’s not. It’s loose skin because time is a cruel mistress. Seriously, look closely. Yeah, I bet you regret stopping to jack off before you got to the end of the article now, don’t you?

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Pewdiepie Fights Antisemitism Accusations by Taking Back Donation To Jewish Charity

Pewdiepie versus T-Series is long over and Pewdiepie lost. He was, however, the first independent creator on YouTube to go over 100 million subscribers, and he’s shown that even his most crazy antisemitic followers matter to him.

As you may know, over the years, Felix has had a troubled relationship with the Jewish people. Some of the criticisms of him were fair, and others weren’t. As an example, he got a lot of criticism for a video where he hired two guys on fiverr to say “kill the Jews,” but that’s not antisemitic, it’s just a poorly executed joke about how rich assholes can get people to embarrass themselves by tossing them a few crumbs. On the other hand, he gave a shout-out to a white supremacist’s racist movie review, and that’s legitimate to criticize.

Felix has been trying to distance himself from the antisemitism, and had asked people to stop memeing “subscribe to Pewdiepie” after the Christchurch shooter said it before murdering over 50 people.

So on Wednesday he announced that he was donating $50,000 to the ADL, a Jewish media watchdog group that fights antisemitism. Of course, less that 24 later, he announced he wasn’t making the donation after all, because some of his fans who really hate Jewish people were mad about it.

Now, the ADL is not perfect. In particular, they consider the BDS movement, a valid call for a boycott against Israel because of their morally reprehensible treatment of the Palestinian people, specifically the occupation of Palestinian land by far-right settlers, to be antisemitic. They’re also not all bad, and they spend a lot more time pushing back against actual antisemitism. I’d say that supporting them in this instance is a pretty value-neutral action.

But have a look at Pewdiepie’s fans were saying that caused him to stop his donation.

And he then posted this video where he says he’s not donating to the ADL after all.

There’s such a thing as optics, and you have to understand how this is bad optics. I probably wouldn’t donate to the ADL because I disagree with their positions regarding Palestine, but if you say you’re going to donate to them and then a bunch of antisemites get mad about it, it’s not great optics to then cancel that donation.

But I mainly just write about Pewdiepie when he does something stupid because his fans are so easy to rankle. I offhandedly tweeted that I was writing about him and have been getting angry tweets from his supports, so I want to make a few things clear. Nothing I write here can be slander, it would be libel. But to be libel against a public figure something not only has to be untrue, it has to be done with actual malice. And most importantly, it has to be a provable statement of fact and not opinion. So, like “I think Pewdiepie is an antisemite” is an opinion and not libel. “Pewdiepie’s facial hair makes him look like a child molester” is likewise an opinion and humorous bit of hyperbole, not something that would be libel.

With all that said, I don’t think Pewdiepie is an antisemite. I think he’s a dumbass clown that entertains children on the internet and any understanding he has on politics is too rudimentary to actually call anything he says or does an opinion. Also, he should probably shave.

The post Pewdiepie Fights Antisemitism Accusations by Taking Back Donation To Jewish Charity appeared first on The Blemish.

Millie Bobby Brown Will Put Her Name on This Skin Cream, But She Won’t Put it on Her Face

Millie Bobby Brown has a new line of skincare products called Florence by Mills. But while her face is all over the marketing for the brand, those skincare products aren’t going anywhere near her face. Watch her promo for it carefully.

Eagle-eyed reddit users pointed out that at no point in that video can you actually see any product touch her face and her makeup remains on the entire time.

The most upvoted comment on Reddit is just “friends don’t lie,” a line Brown’s character uses a lot in Stranger Things.

But another redditor said this, which is extremely interesting.

I don’t ever believe that celebs are ever selling us the skin care routine they actually use. But I still expect them to be willing to use it at least once! If you’re not willing to even put it on your face to make a sale, why should anyone else use it for real?

Edit: someone pointed out the tubes look empty so it may be that the product isn’t ready yet and so she’s faking for that reason?

Not even using it for the commercial kind of reminds of that episode of The Simpsons where Bart gives Krusty the Krusty the Clown brand eyewash and it burns his eyes. Like what are the chances your face just turns into a giant blister the second this stuff touches your skin? Probably low, but who knows, Millie Bobby Brown isn’t taking that chance, so why would you?

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NFL Superstar Antonio Brown Accused of Rape Less Than 24 Hours After Signing With the Patriots

There’s a conspiracy theory/rumor circulating on the internet that Antonio Brown engineered his release from the Oakland Raiders earlier this week because he had already reached an agreement to play for the Patriots, mainly because New England adjusted Tom Brady’s contract to free up salary cap space a month ago.

It’s unsurprising that the Patriots would want to sign Brown, who is not only the best wide receiver in the NFL today, he’s one of the best of all time, a player of the caliber of Jerry Rice and Lynn Swan.

Also unsurprising for a New England player, he’s been accused of multiple sexual assaults. He’s going to fit right into the den of cheaters he’s signed with. I think that if New England had known about these allegations earlier they would have drafted him as a rookie.

But what exactly did Antonio Brown allegedly do? Well, ESPN reports that his former trainer accused him of three separate incidents of sexual assault. In the first, he pulled his dick out and kissed her. The second incident involved him jacking off behind her without her knowing and finishing on her back. And in the third, most serious incident, she claims he held her down and raped her.

Brown tells a different story, through his lawyer.

Brown’s lawyer, Darren Heitner, said in a statement Tuesday night that the receiver and Taylor were involved in a “consensual personal relationship. Any sexual interaction with Mr. Brown was entirely consensual.”

In a tweet on Tuesday, Heitner said that Brown “will leave no stone unturned and will aggressively defend himself, including all of his rights in countersuits.”

CBS’s Gary Parrish tweeted that Brown’s accuser saved text messages he allegedly sent her talking about the second incident (though it looks like an e-mail to me).

That isn’t particularly counter to Browns defense of a consensual relationship, though. “I jack my dick on your back” doesn’t necessarily mean she was opposed to it. It’s a pretty weird thing to do consensually, though. Has anyone reading this ever been with a woman who said “I don’t feel like having sex, how about you just jack off on my back”? I feel like that has probably never happened.

The Patriots issued a brief statement basically saying rape is bad but not bad enough to get you cut by the Patriots.

The league is taking this very seriously, Brown could get as much as a two-game suspension. But to be fair, it’s not like he did something really bad, like kneel during the national anthem to protest police brutality against black men. He’d be out of the league already if he did that.

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Kristen Stewart Says She Could Have Been Offered a Marvel Movie if She Wasn’t So Darn Gay

People like to think that Disney is woke. This belief is undertaken almost entirely on faith, because these people are constantly talking about how they’re boycotting Chick-Fil-A or Soul Cycle or whatever, but they do not want to face any reality that involves them not being able to watch Toy Story and Avengers and will not hear anything about how Marvel CEO and major Disney shareholder Ike Perlmutter is a huge donor and top advisor to Donald Trump.

There’s evidence all around that Disney, and specifically Marvel, aren’t woke. For starters, there have been stories for years about how Disney has meticulously cut any implication that a character might be anything less than 100% heterosexual from Marvel movies since they bought them. To date, the only openly LGBT character to appear in a Marvel movie doesn’t have a name. Also, you know, ask Ellen Degeneres how being a lesbian worked out for her ABC sitcom.

Which brings me to Kristen Stewart. Stewart is one of those people who is annoyingly coy about their sexuality when anyone in the world, when asked to describe it, would say it’s bisexuality. But she’s one of those “I don’t like labels” bisexuals. And she recently said in an interview that if she stopped doing that and just acted straight, she could be in a Marvel movie.

Here’s what she told Harper’s Bazaar:

She accepts that she has become a sort of standard-bearer for that ambiguity. But she doesn’t mind. If she can make the conversation about sexuality easier for anyone, she’s happy. She also couldn’t care less about the impact any of this might have on her career. In the past, she says, “I have fully been told, ‘If you just like do yourself a favour, and don’t go out holding your girlfriend’s hand in public, you might get a Marvel movie.'” She looks almost amused at the memory. “I don’t want to work with people like that.” Now, by contrast, people approach her, drawn to that undefined sexuality, wanting to make movies about it. Stewart shakes her head in mock despair. “Literally, life is a huge popularity contest.”

Now, to be fair, Stewart didn’t say that this came from anyone with the ability to hire her for a Marvel movie. It seems like something an agent might say.

But think about this: why wasn’t Kristen Stewart Captain Marvel? Brie Larson did a fine job and I like Brie, but Stewart was my choice for Captain Marvel for years. Don’t you think that Kristen Stewart’s sort of stereotypical schtick would have made her a great Captain Marvel?

No multinational corporation is woke. If they think an actress is going to scare off viewers by being gay, they’re not going to hire her. And if they think that there’s money to be made in having a gay character, then they’re going to make a third-string character you’ve never heard of from a D-List property that they’re hoping they can make into the next Guardians of the Galaxy gay. It’s not because they want to support you, it’s because they want your money.

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Kevin Hart Was Seriously Injured in a Car Crash

It’s been a rough year for Kevin Hart. I mean, other than the fact that after the decline and fall of Louis C.K.’s empire he’s unquestionably the biggest star in comedy. Oh, and he’s a millionaire and he had an elaborate special on Netflix for black history month and he has a super hot wife. But he didn’t get to host the Oscars, which is… come to think of it, I didn’t get to host the Oscars either. I’ve had a very rough year.

On a more serious note, though, Hart was involved in a pretty bad car accident on Sunday, and he reportedly received major injuries. The Blast even reported he may need surgery for his injuries.

Comedian Kevin Hart is currently hospitalized in Los Angeles after a serious car accident, and we’re told even though he may need back surgery, doctors are optimistic he will make a full recovery.

Sources connected with Hart tells The Blast, Kevin is still in a local hospital undergoing tests to determine if his back will require surgery to repair.

I’m glad to hear he’s expected to make a full recovery. TMZ reported on the crash, and it sounds bad.

Police tell us the driver of the car was found pinned in his seat under the crushed roof and so was the female passenger. We’re told the fire department had to saw off the roof to free them.

Luckily, Hart was in his booster seat so he didn’t suffer any additional injuries from the airbag.

I shouldn’t joke, but it is what I get paid to do. And Hart is going to be okay, which, honestly, I’m glad to hear. He’s not my personal favorite comic, but he’s super charming and just seems incredibly nice. There’s a reason people like him so much. I hope he has a speedy recovery and hey, maybe he can host the Oscars next year.

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Model Adut Aketch is Not Flavia Lazarus, No Matter What Magazines Tell You

Everyone confuses celebrities with other celebrities sometimes. For example, most of the internet confused a young Robert Redford in Jeremiah Johnson with Zack Galifianakis. I often confuse Dax Shepherd with Billy Drago, the guy who played John Bly in The Adventures of Bristol County, Jr. And the casting director of The Godfather Part III confused Sofia Coppola with someone who could act.

But there’s an ugly history of people making racist comments about how black people “all look alike.” So it’s not great when a large national magazine, like Australia’s Who magazine, prints a picture of the wrong black woman to accompany a feature about her. This actually happened when a feature about model Adut Aketch featured a picture of Flavia Lazarus.

The two do share a few superficial similarities, such as short hair and being Australian. And of course, they’re both black. But they also have very different facial features.

Also, they have different hair colors, which is… a pretty major difference. I’m not saying someone saw black skin and went “eh, close enough” but, I mean…

Aketch made an Instagram post addressing the issue, saying she felt that not only she but her whole race was disrespected, which is fair.

View this post on Instagram

I’ve have given some deep thoughts the past few days on how to approach this situation that isn’t sitting well with me.  For those who are not aware, last week @whomagazine (Australia) published a feature article about me. In the interview I spoke about how people view refugees and peoples attitude to colour in general. With the article they published a large photo saying it was me. But it was of another black girl. This has upset me, has made me angry, it has made me feel very disrespected and to me is unacceptable and inexcusable under any circumstances. Not only do I personally feel insulted and disrespected but I feel like my entire race has been disrespected too and it is why I feel it is important that I address this issue. Whoever did this clearly the thought that was me in that picture and that’s not okay. This  is a big deal because of what I spoke about in my interview. By this happening I feel like it defeated the purpose of what I stand for and spoke about. It goes to show that people are very ignorant and narrowminded that they think every black girl or African people looks the same. I feel as though this would’ve not happened to a white model. My aim for this post is not to bash Who Magazine -they have apologised to me directly – but I feel like I need to express publicly how I feel. This has deeply affected me and we need to start an important conversation that needs to happen. I’m sure that I’m not the first person that’s experienced this and it needs to stop. I’ve been called by the name of another models who happens to be of the same Ethnicity, I find it very ignorant, rude and disrespectful towards both of us simply because we know that this doesn’t happen with white models. I want this to be somewhat of a wake up call to people within the industry it’s not OK and you need to do better. Big publications need to make sure that they fact check things before publishing them especially when its real stories and interviews and not just some made up rumors. To those who work at shows and shoots it’s important that you don’t mix up models names. Australia you’ve a lot of work to do and you’ve got to do better and that goes to the rest of the industry

A post shared by Adut Akech Bior (@adutakech) on

Melbourne Fashion Week’s Instagram posted an apology for the incident as well.

View this post on Instagram

An important message from the M/FW team.

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While this probably seems like a harmless clerical error, it doesn’t feel harmless to the people who have had to deal with racist stereotypes for generations.

The post Model Adut Aketch is Not Flavia Lazarus, No Matter What Magazines Tell You appeared first on The Blemish.

Disney Could Lose Spider-Man, Putting World Domination Plans On Hold Until At Least 2021

When Spider-Man was created in 1962 by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko (with some contributions behind the scenes from Jack Kirby), the copyright term was 56 years, meaning Spider-Man should have entered into the public domain on January 1st, 2018. Mainly because of the actions of Disney in the late 70s, the copyright term was extended to “haha, fuck you, corporations own everything forever.”

Now Disney and Sony are having a public slapfight over a new agreement for Marvel to continue to use Spider-Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe with Sony rejecting Disney’s offer of a 50/50 split of costs and profits, a deal which former Spider-Man writer Sean McKeever pointed out would have made the studio less on the billion dollar Spider-Man Far From Home than they made on Venom, which turned in a much more modest performance.

Early reports suggested that the deal was off and Spider-Man was out of the MCU. This would leave Sony free to make their own Spider-Man movies with Tom Holland, but it would present certain problems based on how integrated into the Iron Man films he was. Like, we all know that the formative moment in Spider-Man’s journey as a hero was the death of his father figure, the man who mentored him and taught him the important lessons that would forever define his moral fabric: Tony Stark, international arms dealer and billionaire playboy. Without that important part of his backstory, Sony may have to create another character to take that role, perhaps giving Peter an uncle or something.

I joke, but Spider-Man felt much more like Iron Lad in the Marvel Cinematic Universe than Spider-Man. They removed pretty much every trace of his unique world and plopped him into a film that could have been Iron Man 4 with a few tweaks. Even his supporting cast feels more like Iron Man’s and less like Spider-Man’s. What this means is that had Disney not fought to extend copyright in the 70s (and a few times since then), they could simply continue using Spider-Man as basically nothing in the films comes from material that would still be copyrighted (aside from Mary Jane Watson, though one could argue Zendaya’s MJ is a new character).

Of course, a few hours after news broke that the studios hadn’t reached terms on continuing their arrangement, Variety reported that Sony and Disney are still negotiating, meaning it’s likely one or both parties leaked this information as a negotiating tactic. 

Personally, I think they’re going to reach an agreement. Disney isn’t going to want to not be able to use Marvel’s most recognizable character in the Marvel movies, it’s like doing Justice League without Superman. And nobody would be that stupid, right?

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Heidi Klum Posted a Topless Pic, It’s as Great as You’d Imagine

Heidi Klum Instagrammed a topless photo of herself on a yacht. WITH NIPPLE! Mmmm, yes please.

There’s the whole free nipple thing on Instagram. It’s great that this is Klum’s contribution.

My first thought was, is this really Heidi Klum topless? I thought she was way older. You look at this instagram and it’s nothing like her other pics. Must be some serious soft lighting going on.

View this post on Instagram

All I see is 💦💧WATER💧💦💧 ⛵⚓💦💧🌈🥰❤

A post shared by Heidi Klum (@heidiklum) on

It’s not the first time she’s gone topless. She also posted a “topless” pic of herself to celebrate her honeymoon with now husband, Tom Kaulitz.

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Topless posing for my husband 😍

A post shared by Heidi Klum (@heidiklum) on

They’re currently in Italy on another honeymoon. Klum also put up another photo of herself from behind.

View this post on Instagram

Buongiorno ☕🤪

A post shared by Heidi Klum (@heidiklum) on

Then another one of her husband sleeping in the morning on their yacht. How great would it be to wake up on the deck on a yacht?

You’re probably reading this at work on the toilet.

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Bella Thorne Is a Director Now, If Porn Counts as Directing

Usually when actors want to move into directing, they’ll do it by directing an episode of the show they’re on. It makes sense because they know they cast and crew and feel comfortable on the set.

Bella Thorne decided to go another way with it, making her directorial debut on Pornhub with the pornographic film Her & Him.

I’m more of a fan of porn movies with titles of the More Dirty Asian Debutantes or Lesbian Nymphomaniac Sorority Sleepover variety. I feel like making artsy porno movies with intricate plots just gets in the way of the reason people are watching. It feels pretty retro, like 70s porno except with no pubic hair or weird-shaped boobs.

EW reported that’s part of a new initiative for the site.

The film, titled Her & Him, is part of Pornhub’s Visionaries Director’s Series, which features debut films by unexpected directors in order to diversify porn production. Previous entries in the series were directed by rapper Young M.A. and singer-rapper Brooke Candy.

I mean, it is in line with her whole thing. Hey, I need to tell William we’ve found something Bella will probably succeed at.

“What inspired me to do this movie was thinking about this relationship between a male and a female and this fight over dominance and how much that relates to us in our general world, besides just a sexual scenario,” Thorne said in a behind-the-scenes video. “My vision behind the story was basically creating these two dynamic characters that could switch off between dominant and submissive.”

I think people just want to see them fuck, Bella. Don’t turn something beautiful like pornography into something cheap and tawdry like a Hollywood film.

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Disney Sounds Like They’re Going to Axe Taika Waititi’s Anti-Nazi Comedy ‘Jojo Rabbit’, Anything Else Good or Interesting

Man, I wish someone had warned me that there might be negative consequences to Disney buying Fox and controlling like 50% of the American film industry. I just thought it would be really cool for Wolverine to be an Avenger.

Well, Marvel is making a Fantastic Four film and X-Men films, but it may have left fans feeling a bit like Thanos at the end of Infinity War.

Those chickens are coming home to roost as Disney has turned out to be much, much more risk-averse than Fox. Fox Searchlight has been distributing critically-acclaimed independent films for a long time, and many of them are the kind of thoughtful, small, emotional pictures Disney is smothering out with things like the “live-action” Lion King film that made a billion dollars in the widest opening for any film ever even though everyone agrees it’s visually terrible.

It could even impact Taika Waititi, who has been a studio guy for Disney and turned out a big hit tent pole film with Thor: Ragnarok and is giving them lady Thor in Thor: Love and Thunder because Disney doesn’t really understand what exactly it is that women like about the Thor movies.

It’s that.

But he’s at risk of having a film shelved as Variety reports Disney is looking to play it safe.

Disney is prioritizing making more broadly commercial projects, which includes ongoing work on sequels to James Cameron’s “Avatar” and starry safe bets like the on-screen reunion of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in the drama “The Last Duel.”

Normally the reward for being a studio guy and making the big tentpole movies is you get to make your less-profitable passion projects that are, let’s be honest, probably better movies. But Disney sounds like they really want to dump Waititi’s Jojo Rabbit, in which the director plays Hitler.

The only bright spot for the film operation would seem to be Fox Searchlight, the long-operating darling of the indie film world, which will test Disney’s patience with the wacky Hitler drama “Jojo Rabbit,” from “Thor: Ragnarok” director Taika Waititi, this fall. The movie is expected to be a major awards contender.

The scathing takedown of Nazism may, however, prove a little too edgy for Disney brass accustomed to producing movies suitable for parents and kids. Searchlight has started to screen the film for its new parent company. Halfway through one recent viewing one executive grew audibly uncomfortable, worrying aloud that the material would alienate Disney fans. His unease may have been over the film’s cutting-edge satire, but it was also an expression of the culture clash taking place as the two studios embark on their new union.

Keep in mind Disney distributed Pulp Fiction and the world didn’t end. And don’t think that just because Deadpool has been consistently beloved by critics and audiences and has been the most profitable R-Rated film franchise ever that it’s safe.

The studio is also grappling with how to fit the very R-rated Deadpool into its PG-13-rated Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The goal is to find a way for the character to move seamlessly between “Avengers” spinoffs and bloody, profane stand-alone adventures.

Just do exactly that. Or don’t put Deadpool in the Avengers films because he’s a comedy character who constantly breaks the fourth wall and trying to play him straight never, ever works. He’s the Bugs Bunny of Marvel Comics.

It does make me think, though, that if any company other than Disney was as big as Disney, they’d be looking for a way to convince the public to take them seriously as a company that could produce memorable films with real artistry to them; instead, Disney is worried that the films it inherited from Fox that have artistry and nuance and appeal to adults who think and want to be challenged might hurt ticket sales for its baby films it’s convinced adults they can’t live without.

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Model From ‘Teenage Dream’ Video Accuses Katy Perry of Sexual Assault

Has #metoo gone to far this time? Nowadays a woman can’t even pull a guy’s dick out of his pants in front of a room full of people against his will without being accused of sexual assault. It’s political correctness gone mad I tell you!

Someone has to be writing that take about the fact that Katy Perry has been accused of sexual assault by Josh Kloss, the model who co-starred in her ‘Teenage Dream’ video.

That is a sexy music video. But Josh Kloss, the model in the video with Perry, has accused of sexual assault on his Instagram account for, well, pulling his dick out of his pants in front of her friends.

So I saw Katy a couple times after her break up with Russel. This one time I brought a friend who was dying to meet her. It was Johny Wujek’s birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis.

Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed i felt?

I just say this now because our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse.
But females with power are just as disgusting.

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You know. After I met Katy, we sang a worship song, “open the eyes of my heart” She was cool and kind. When other people were around she was cold as ice even called the act of kissing me “gross” to the entire set while filming. Now I was pretty embarrassed but kept giving my all, as my ex was busy cheating on me and my daughter was just a toddler, I knew I had to endure for her sake. After the first day of shooting, Katy invited me to a strip club in Santa Barbara. I declined and told her “I have to go back to hotel and rest, because this job is all I have right now” So I saw Katy a couple times after her break up with Russel. This one time I brought a friend who was dying to meet her. It was Johny Wujek’s birthday party at moonlight roller way. And when I saw her, we hugged and she was still my crush. But as I turned to introduce my friend, she pulled my Adidas sweats and underwear out as far as she could to show a couple of her guy friends and the crowd around us, my penis. Can you imagine how pathetic and embarrassed i felt? I just say this now because our culture is set on proving men of power are perverse. But females with power are just as disgusting. So for all her good she is an amazing leader, hers songs are mainly great empowering anthems. And that is it. I continued to watch her use clips of her music videos for her world tour and then her dvd, only highlighting one of her male co-stars, and it was me. I made around 650 in total off of teenage dream. I was lorded over by her reps, about not discussing a single thing about anything regarding Katy publicly. And a couple interviews they edited and answered for me. So, happy anniversary to one of the most confusing, assaulting, and belittling jobs I’ve ever done. Yay #teenagedream I was actually gonna play the song and sing it on ukele for the anniversary, but then as I was tuning I thought, fuck this, I’m not helping her bs image another second.

A post shared by Joshkloss (@iamjoshkloss) on

Is it just me or his he turning his sexual assault into an Adidas ad?

So it’s probably not great to just go around pulling guys’ dicks out of their pants. This is how House of Cards went to shit.

Kloss also posted an example of the leash Perry’s people put him on for his $650.

Kloss alo had some very kind words for the Kardashians.

For the strong youth defending their queen on here. I commend your heart behind your comments, which seeks to protect someone you idolize. #kimkardashian#krisjenner these are two women in a lot more power than Katy, AND TREATED me with RESPECT! perhaps you should give them your loyalty.

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Model Gabrielle Epstein Wants You to Try a DIY Vagina Laser

If there’s one question I would probably ask Instagram models would it not get me sued for sexual harassment and pummeled in the head and face, it would probably be “how do you keep your vagina so smooth and hairless?” Luckily for us, Aussie model Gabrielle Epstein answered that question without being asked; she was just, I assume, being paid to hawk a DIY vagina laser, which is practical applications is sexier but much less exciting than James Bond movies would lead you to believe. It just takes the hair off, it won’t cut Oddjob in half.

That is an effective ad, though imagine what it would look like if Instagram had slightly looser rules on nudity.

I think every one of her Instagram posts is sponsored, but whatever she’s doing is clearly working. And she’s a great spokesman, I’m still thinking about her vagina.

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water baby

A post shared by Gabrielle Grace Epstein (@gabbyepstein) on

Brought to you by the underwater titties council.

Not sure if that picture makes the flower emoji in the first ad better or worse, but let’s really, Georgia O’Keefe let that cat out of the bag years ago.

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Kristen of ‘The Bachelor: Australia’ Is a Chinese Plant or Something

I have something alarming to tell you. Someone on The Bachelor: Australia may have ulterior motives for being on the show. According to conspiracy theorists, Kristen Czyszek, 24, may not be on the show solely to compete with 27 other fame-seeking women to win the heart of Matt Agnew, a 32-year-old working at a bank who claims he’s an astrophysicist. She may actually be a spy planted by China to promote… tourism. Please, hold those gasps and refrain from striking that gong that plays every time Kristen is on camera. There’s more.

Evidence to this is she currently works as a China researcher (whatever that is), she often mentions her love of China and speaks Mandarin whenever possible on the show. This strange foreign dialect shattering Australian eardrums has caused fans to begin digging up more info about Kristen. They found that she spent time in Beijing as a communications associate for the shadowy organization known as AustCham which helps Australian investors navigate China. The Daily Mail did some digging as well and found that Kristen first made her way to Asia as an exchange student at the University of Taiwan. The connections run deep. Taiwan, as many know, has a super friendly relationship with China. They’re practically bffs.

Then there’s her Instagram. Unlike other contestants, it’s mostly empty and looks to be created specifically for The Bachelor. And, get this, in addition to English captions it also features translated Chinese captions. Now ask yourself. Why would a girl who’s lived in China for the past 2 years where Instagram is blocked and who probably has a lot of Chinese friends do something like this? It just doesn’t add up!

For their part, The Bachelor producers have purposely set out to combat this red scare by turning Kristen’s love of China into a punchline by playing gongs and “oriental bamboo flute music” whenever she appears.

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Beautiful Brazilian Valentina Sampaio is Victoria’s Secret’s First Transgender Model

Victoria’s Secret is a brand in trouble. You might remember they recently cancelled their iconic fashion show, but like Sears and other companies known primarily as mall stores, the brand hasn’t really been able to compete in the changing marketplace. There are a lot of companies that make better quality sexy undies at better prices, and it turns out the being located next to Orange Julius isn’t a huge advantage when e-commerce giants are putting large shopping centers out of business across the country.

Victoria’s Secret has also been under fire for a perceived lack of diversity in their models, so they’ve hired their first transgender model, Brazilian beauty Valentina Sampaio.

Well, she’s not shy.

But she is flexible.

She looks good in lingerie, too.

I’m not sure this is enough to turn things around for Victoria’s Secret, but I’ll take all the Valentina I get.

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Wait. Hold Up. The Girl From ‘Boy Meets World’ Is a Porn Star Now?

Holy crap, the girl from Boy Meets World is a porn star now. No, not that one, I know, I kind of tricked you, but I mean Maitland Ward, who played Rachel, Eric and Jack’s smoking-hot tall redhead roommate in the last few seasons. She was main cast, don’t get mad at me because Danielle Fishel has been a successful enough working actress that she didn’t get spit out the bottom of the porn industry.

This came to my attention while I was browsing Twitter And I came across this tweet.

Here was my thought process: “Hey, that’s the redhead from Boy Meets World, I had a crush on her and basically every other cast member. Except Ben Savage, sorry Ben. Blacked, hunh? Is that some kind of C-List celebrity reality show on VH1? I’ll just click this link and- HOLY SHIT!” By the way, that link is pretty NSFW. And so is the rest of her Twitter, but hey, Instagram makes you keep it clean, let’s see what she’s got going on there.

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Who’s ready for the weekend?

A post shared by Maitland Ward Baxter (@maitlandward) on

I was wondering how this happened, and it turns out that after Bot Meets World, Maitland became a very popular cosplayer, and the line between cosplayer and porn star is just, razer thin. Seriously, every single cosplayer is just one late credit card payment from getting gangbanged on their “premium” Snapchat.

By the way, Maitland isn’t the only TGIF star to do porn. Jaimee Foxworth, who played Judy Winslow on Family Matters was an adult performer under the stage name Crave. Respect for Maitland Ward for doing porn under her real name, though, that’s got to make those high school reunions a lot more fun.

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A Chinese Streamer’s Face Filter Glitched Leaving Fans Feeling Conned

Your Highness Qiao Biluo, a popular streamer in China on the Douyu platform with over 100,000 followers, has been described as a “cute goddess” worshipped by her fans. Despite always covering her face with an anime filter, fans would regularly donate to her stream, the highest being $6,000, because her sweet, innocent fans thought her cute voice meant she was cute. She didn’t do much to dispel that myth as she’d post edited pics on her Weibo, China’s Twitter. She was basically a PG version of a cam girl but with more blue-balling.

Unfortunately, that all came to an end on July 25 when her face filter glitched during one of her livestreams. This led to sudden shock and horror among her viewers. Some questioned their life choices or, at the very least, their past wank sessions. Qiao looked closer to the 58-year-old middle-aged woman she was than a hot 20-something.

Qiao didn’t even realize she wasn’t being filtered until viewers started leaving her channel. Her top donator straight up quit the stream and deleted his account. I can’t even begin to imagine what he was feeling. But it’s probably something similar to what you feel after jerking off to a Aunt Jemima bottle. Shame, guilt, regret.

You’d think Qiao would also quit out of sheer embarrassment, but when life gives you lemons, you pretend you did it on purpose, rack up 650,000 followers from the controversy, take advertisements from beauty cameras and announce an upcoming music album. Qiao may not be the cutest woman out there, but you have to respect her courage. Especially on that album release considering her voice sounds like this.

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Model Carissa Pinkston Lied About Being Trans After Getting Caught Being Transphobic

People are weird, and at a time where identity politics is perceived as being the motivating in a lot of the things that go on in our society, people are weird about their identity. For example, you might know the name Rachel Dolezal, a white woman who pretended to be black for years and after being called out on it changed her name to Nkechi Amare Diallo, a totally normal reaction. She also says that despite being white, she “identifies as black,” whatever the hell that means.

The next name you’re going to want to learn is Carissa Pinkston, a model who was caught saying some things perceived to be transphobic on social media. I word it like that because while the first thing she said was absolutely transphobic, the way she tried to walk it back is so confusing I honestly don’t know because I can barely parse what she said.

Her first Facebook post on the topic simply said “Being Transgender does NOT make you a Woman. It makes you simply Transgender.” Which is transphobic. People have all sorts of ideas on what transphobia means, but in my eyes, if any one cares, the line is whether or not you accept that trans women are women. Which they are.

Pinkston tried to make things better, but probably only made them worse with her next post.

Being Transgender does make you a Woman in a Transgender context according to gender and not sex. This how they want to be perceived. In a biological context there are Females and Males.

This is the world in 2019.

This is where it gets weird. Pinkston claimed that she herself was trans after these comments came out, as a way to take the heat off of her. Here’s what she said, via Paper.

“I wasn’t ready to come about it yet but today I got fired and I’ve been receiving hate mail and death threats ever since so I’m being forced to tell the truth,” she wrote. “I’m Transgender. I transitioned at a very young age and I’ve lived my Life as a female ever since. It’s been very hard to keep this secret but what I said about Trans-Women is a direct reflection of my inner securities and I have since come to realize that I am a Woman. WE ALL ARE!”

Very moving. Except it’s 100% bullshit. She didn’t transition at any age, she is a cisgender woman. Which she admitted herself a few days later.

This weekend, Pinkston has addressed the issue once and for all with an official apology. “I apologize for any transphobic remark I’ve ever made towards the Trans community,” she wrote in a post. “I panicked and I thought if I came out as Trans that I could somehow make things better for myself but it appears I’ve only made things worse. I’m truly sorry. I’m only 20 and I’m human. I make mistakes but I refuse to let them define me. I hope you all can forgive me and move on from this because I’m so much more than this incident and I’m not a coward.”

She also posted photos of herself and Hunter Schafer on Instagram Stories. “I hate to do this because this doesn’t concern her but, me being ‘Transphobic’ is stupid,” she wrote. “I been friends with Hunter way before all these comments and now she won’t even talk to me.”

Yeah, that last part is weird. It’s like, if you had a black friend, and some Facebook posts of you saying the n-word surfaced, and you said “It’s okay, I’m black” but you’re clearly white, why would your friend be mad at you over something like that?

Okay, so here’s the thing… don’t pretend to be something you’re not. If you said something dumb in the past and your views have evolved, then just say that. If you said something dumb in the past and you still believe it, stand by it. If you posted a David Icke to justify your transphobia (which she did) maybe take a step back and realize David Icke thinks the government is run by lizards from outer space in skin suits, like that TV show V from the 80s.

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Taryn Manning Is Trying to Take back Her Social Media Meltdown

We’ve seen the last of Orange is the New Black, and some of the stars are taking that harder than others. Taryn Manning, who played Pennsyltucky, had an epic meltdown on Instagram where she went off on her agents and generally sounded suicidal.

Here’s the text of the now-deleted post, from Fox News.

Ahead of the premiere on Thursday, Manning captioned a photo of the “OITNB” cast on set, “I love you all so much. Have a great [premiere] tonight. I love this photo. I miss you all so much. I wish I could be there. Unfortunate uncontrollable circumstances that no one could help with have made it this way. When someone is crying for help from someone who is after your life and soul. Please listen.”

She continued, “This is for anyone who feels alone, terrorized by cyber criminals, cyber bullying, criminals with the intent to cause others distress and isolate them from life, for people who have lost everything due to another humans mental illness and smear campaigns. This is for you too so you don’t feel so alone. It even happens to people who seemingly have the resources to stop it too.”

She also blasted her professional team, writing, “This is for my ‘team’ of agents, managers and lawyers who didn’t do anything to help me. I forgive you though. I hope you’re happy, you know who you are.”

She got dropped by her publicist after that and probably figured out that she was going to have trouble finding work, so she decided, like a week later, that she needed to walk that back.

I believed that Jessica Alba’s account got hacked because I don’t think Jessica Alba believes that “retarded faggots did 9/11.”

With Pennsyltucky here, well, she appears to be referencing an incident where she was stalked and why bother to hack someone’s Instagram just to make a post like the one Manning deleted. Now, I don’t know for sure she wasn’t hacked, but I know what I believe, and I think you probably came to the same conclusion.

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Is This Kid the Next Tarantino? Why is Armie Hammer Letting His Son Suck His Toes?

Is there some sort of rule that you have to be a huge weirdo to be a celebrity? Like how Tom Brady makes out with kids, Quentin Tarantino wrote a four hour long movie framed around taking as many shots of Uma Thurman barefoot as possible and Angelina Jolie… does everything Angelina Jolie does, I don’t have time to unpack that, global warming will kill us all before anyone gets to the end of the list.

Well, add Armie Hammer to the list because he let his 2-year-old suck his toes for like… way too long.

This is just… seven minutes? Really? This is like the toe version of Olivia Jaimes’ first Nancy strip.

He is going IN on those toes!

I mean, this is one way to get people to stop coming up to you on the street and saying “hey, aren’t you the guy who ate the cum peach?” but I feel like “aren’t you the guy who lets his toddler suck on his toes for seven minutes?” isn’t exactly a step forward.

I get it, toddlers are weird little idiots who put things in their mouth, but when they start putting your toe in their mouth, doesn’t a normal person say “hey, cut that out you little weirdo” after like, 2-3 seconds max?

Armie needs to get some help from Jason Biggs, I think. We hardly ever talk about how he fucked a pie anymore, just about how he got squeezed out of Orange is the New Black.

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Constance Wu Insisted on Top Billing for ‘Hustlers’

Is Constance Wu really a big star? She was in Crazy Rich Asians, which was an okay movie, but if you replaced her with Lacey Chabert that shit would have been on the Hallmark Channel. That Netflix film her Fresh Off the Boat co-star Randall Park did with Ali Wong was way better, and the two of them co-wrote it in addition to starring in it. And he didn’t even have a meltdown on social media when Fresh Off the Boat got renewed.

Apparently Constance Wu is a bit of a diva. And by a bit of a diva I mean the type of person who would have a total meltdown about getting another year of steady, high-paid work on a high-profile TV show. She’s mentioned a few times how important the show is for having actual representation of Asian-Americans on television, but I guess she feels that isn’t quite as important as Constance Wu getting to be a movie star.

And not just a movie star, Page Six reported she insisted on being top-billed in her upcoming film Hustlers over Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B, both of whom are easily bigger draws than Wu.

While “Hustlers” premieres in September, select publications have been walloped with a warning from the studio that Wu must be named first in the press as the film’s biggest star. A source said Lopez and her production partners signed off on Wu’s top billing “a long time ago,” adding, “Constance is in the unique position of being a part of projects that are breaking through Asian-American representation in Hollywood.”

See, Constance Wu’s success is your success, Asian-American maid making minimum wage that had to clean up a room covered in rabbit shit after Wu absolutely destroyed it.

Remember when Constance Wu made those really long, thoughtful comments on Matt Damon being in The Great Wall or Casey Affleck’s Oscar nod? I’m starting to think she just though both of those things should have gone to Constance Wu, which is not out of step with what everyone is saying about her.

Then, on the NYC set of “Hustlers” this spring, Wu made enemies anew with her diva demands. One on-set source told Page Six that Wu was “a pain in the f–king ass. She just won’t agree to do anything … It’s like a cliché. She is very talented — but all signs are pointing to a difficult diva.” Another insider added, “She’s a total piece of work. She thinks it’s OK to treat people badly and say out loud whatever comes to her.”

One thing to keep in mind when you get famous like Constance Wu, or even actually famous like Matt Damon, is that you want to be really nice to your assistants and whatnot because they’re alone with your food every day.

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Camille Grammer Ripped Her Own Dress Off on Television

I’ve been really mad in my life, but never “get nude on Bravo” mad the way Camille Grammer got on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion.

I really don’t know what Camille is trying to accomplish here. I have two guesses.

  1. She’s trying to take off her mic pack, can’t find it and just goes “well, fuck it, I’ll just take the whole dress off.”
  2. She was copying that episode of Arrested Development where Kitty keeps flashing her boobs after quitting.

Either way, I don’t think she comes off as good as she thinks she does in the process. But I mean, good for Frasier, she’s keeping it tight.

Camille apparently thinks she was ambushed and verbally gangbanged by the other rich housewives for not being mean to Lisa Vanderpump. Personally, I’m not taking any chances, I plan to be super mean to Lisa Vanderpump to make sure I don’t get on these bitches’ bad sides.

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The Story of Kevin Hart’s Sex Time is Crazier Than Imagining Kevin Hart Having Sex

There are some things in life I need to take a moment to wrap my head around. Kevin Hart having a sex tape is right at the top of the list. I’ll bet his dick is huge, by which I mean a little smaller than average but it looks huge on his body. I really don’t want to see this unless he’s fucking Khloe Kardashian in which case I’d just be curious how he can reach.

But Kevin Hart’s sex tape is out there and Kevin’s friend Jonathan Jackson has it. Not only that, but Jackson was arrested for trying to extort Hart with the sex tape.

But not so fat because TMZ is reporting Jackson thought he was trying to sell it to a “legitimate celebrity sex tape broker,” a thing I’m pretty sure doesn’t exist.

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Marvel Gave All Their Phase Four Plans At Comic-Con, They’re Surprisingly Still Sticking With the Superhero Thing

Hey, have you seen enough Marvel movies yet? There have been like 25 so far, you know. And they’re creeping up on four hours long. Still, people tend to like them. Avengers: Endgame just became the highest-grossing film of all time, presumably because the opening-night showings just let out and people were able to buy tickets to watch it a second time.

This weekend was Comic-Con, and the big event was Marvel’s Hall H presentation that laid out their roadmap for Phase 4, a timeline that started by showing ten dates for releases in the next two years. Yeah, you think about what you’ve done by never shutting up about the first Iron Man movie and how cool the Nick Fury cameo at the end was.

Luckily, half of these are TV series you’ll have to watch to follow along with the movies, conveniently located on Disney+, which Disney really wants to work.

Let’s look at what movies are on the schedule. First up is the long-rumored Black Widow, where Scarlett Johansson plays a corpse at the bottom of a mountain for two hours while explaining why she wasn’t wrong to take this role from an actual corpse.

The Eternals is next, a film that has Kumail Nanjiani in it because apparently everyone else in Hollywood has already been in a Marvel movie. I mean, Kumail is a pretty funny stand-up and a really nice guy, but I didn’t really believe him when he played Kumail Nanjiani in The Big Sick, I’m supposed to buy him as a superhero now?

Then we’ve got Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings, which is about an Asian guy no one has ever heard of who ends up with ten different fiancees. Actually, remember The Mandarin and Ten Rings from Iron Man 3, the thing that ended up being a hoax and didn’t really exist and was just Ben Kingsley on opium? Well, it exits now.

The cool thing about this is that Simu Liu, who is playing Shang Chi, had tweeted Marvel years ago saying he wanted to play Shang Chi.

Doctor Strange and the Multiverse of Madness is the next film and will see Strange team up with the Scarlet Witch. Which means you better watch that WandaVision show if you want to follow the plot. Only on Disney+. It’s called vertical integration, get on board. We can’t have exponential growth if you’re only paying $15 for a movie 3 times a year, we need you to also subscribe to our TV service.

Finally there’s Thor: Love and Thunder, which completes the transformation of the Thor logo into Masters of the Universe. Marvel and Taita Waikiki have been hyping up Natalie Portman’s return as Jane Foster and saying she’ll be playing Lady Thor. Remember when I said Disney likes to use outrage to market things? This is one of those things.

The “Jane Foster as Thor” storyline in the Mighty Thor comics met with a mixed reception: sales were decent, enough to keep the book in the top 50 while it was being published, but it also attracted a lot of criticism for being poorly written. Because it kind of was. I was not impressed with it at any rate.

But it doesn’t matter, because Natalie Portman is probably going to “be Thor” for about as long as Captain America was in the last Avengers movie, which is to say for one scene in the climax fight scene. She will not “be Thor” in the denouement. But we’ve got a good two years of people getting mad about it and people getting ad at those people and the whole time hey, shock, lots of free mentions of the biggest movie franchise in history, owned by the biggest media conglomerate in the world.

Also, at the end of the panel, they quickly announced Captain Marvel 2, Fantastic Four and X-Men films were in the works. Then they brought Mahershala Ali onstage and announced he was playing Blade, a character previously played by Wesley Snipes.

There were also a bunch of TV show announcements for Disney+, but let’s be realistic here; these are things they couldn’t sell as 2 hour movies so they’re expanding them into 8 hour TV shows. That’s four times as much of the thing you were only peripherally interested in! You can’t beat that value.

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Shaq Is at Tomorrowland Living His Best Life

Tomorrowland, the world’s most well-known EDM festival, began over the weekend. Unfortunately, one man from India already died. That’s the bad news. The good news is DJ Diesel aka Shaq is on the lineup and he’s playing future bass. Yea, sure, a lot of his music might be ghost produced and he’s mostly pressing play, but look at that guy. How can you not get excited when a giant of a man is getting lit on stage in front of you?

Shaq isn’t just playing sets and bouncing. He’s also out there with the crowd. Here he is headbanging like this was hist last day alive.

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And here he is moshing. I don’t think he’s even on drugs. Do drugs even affect this guy?

Being in a pit with a 7’1” Shaq might seem a little scary, but that dude is a gentle giant. If you fell, he’d probably give you a shoulder ride to safety.

The post Shaq Is at Tomorrowland Living His Best Life appeared first on The Blemish.

The ‘Cats’ Trailer is Here and – OH GOD NO! Burn It! Burn It With Cleansing Fire!

I’m going to be real with you here for a minute; I knew the Cats movie was going to bad. I warned you it was going to be bad. Basically no matter what they did it was going to be bad because Cats the musical is already bad. But even I didn’t expect it to be this bad.

If this doesn’t become the most disliked video on YouTube I’m changing my opinion on the Ghostbusters trailer.

What’s with Jellicle Taylor Swift acting all sexy? Am I supposed to want to fuck Taylor Swift as a cat? Because I don’t even hate myself enough to want to fuck Taylor Swift as a human.

Seriously, no one likes Cats. The people in Cats don’t even like Cats, they just couldn’t get cast in one of those shitty jukebox musicals like Jersey Boys, an experience that’s almost as good as staying home and listening to The Best of the Four Seasons on Spotify.

Well, okay, one person likes Cats.

When people started tweeting about how Donald Trump loves Cats I thought it was a joke because of how terrible the trailer looks but it’s true.

Yeah, by the way, while you were all writing articles about Idris Elba should be the next James Bond, he was doing this. You Still want that? You want to live in a world where James Bond and M were both shitty CGI cats? I don’t want to live in that world. It’s bad enough Magneto is in this. How am I supposed to watch Vicious and take Ian McKellan seriously as a bitter but ultimately good-hearted old gay man now that I’ve seen him like this?

I know I joke around a lot, but I want to say, seriously, from the bottom of my heart, that this movie is going to be terrible. There are so many good movies out there you probably haven’t seen. Have you seen Easy A? How about The Searchers? What about Rashomon? Toshiro Mifune acts like a cat in that, probably better than Dwight from The Office does, and you’ll understand the structure of so many TV sitcoms after you see it. Yeah, there was a Rashomon episode of Everybody Loves Raymond and you didn’t even realize it. Go see that instead of this, it’ll only cost you $4 and you won’t want to claw your eyes out afterwards.

The post The ‘Cats’ Trailer is Here and – OH GOD NO! Burn It! Burn It With Cleansing Fire! appeared first on The Blemish.