Oh Florida, why do crazy things always happen inside of you? It’s almost as if people who choose to live in an alligator-infested swamp have bad judgement. Today’s story of intrigue, politics and sexual harassment from The Sunshine State comes to you in the form of perhaps the lowest-stakes political quid pro quo in history. Palm Beach Post is reporting that a Lantana resident alleges the mayor offered to put speed bumps in her neighborhood in exchange for sex.
Palm Beach Post showed a picture of the woman, Catherine Padilla, holding a hand-made sign that read “slow down” on the side of the road, so my first thought was that she misunderstood him when he drove by and yelled “suck my dick, idiot.” But the truth is so much more hilariously banal.
Catherine Padilla and Stewart became friendly about five years ago from Kiwanis Club meetings, she said. She said the motel incident happened when she was working to get her neighborhood speed bumps around 2014 and 2015. Padilla said they attended a Kiwanis meeting the day of the motel visit. She said after they drove to lunch together in Stewart’s work vehicle, Stewart pulled into a motel parking lot. Padilla said she told him “no” and they left the lot.
However, she said the behavior continued. Before the meeting where the Town Council was to vote on whether to pay for the speed bumps, Stewart called her saying it wasn’t too late to sleep with him to guarantee her neighborhood would receive the safety measure, she said. Padilla said she again told him “no.”
There’s basically no limit to how little power someone actual needs in order to try to leverage it to get laid. We’ve all heard about what Harvey Weinstein did, using his influence as a movie producer to make or break careers based on what actresses could stomach having him on top of her, but there are definitely guys who have gotten a blowjob in exchange for letting someone buy a pair of shoes with their employee discount. Putting in a speed bump is definitely on the Payless Shoes end of the scale.
This also sounds like the plot of a porn movie from back when porn movies had plots. It has a real “Gee, mister pizza delivery man, I can’t find my wallet, isn’t there any way me and my sorority sisters can pay you” vibe to it. I’m hoping that it comes out this story involved some kind of cheesy porn line in it. Something like “If you want a speed bump, you’re going to have to show me your lady lumps,” or “I’ll give you your bumps if I can get some grind.”
[Photo by RoadTrafficSigns.com]
Oh Florida, you’re by far our worst state. From drunk ladies pleasuring themselves on their arresting officers to sign language interpreters talking about pizza bear monsters, every story we hear about you makes us not want to go Florida. Also, Donald Trump spends all his time there. Basically, ever since Mia Khalifa moved back to Texas, there’s no reason to set foot in Florida.
If you needed another reason to avoid Florida, well, what if I told you it’s teeming with monkeys infected with a deadly strain of herpes? Yes, not only are there feral monkeys running around Florida, but they’re carrying a communicable disease that’s harmless to them but potentially deadly to humans, which sounds both very bad and very familiar.
After the initial [Herpes B] infection, the virus hides out in the animal’s nerves, flaring up only when the monkey gets sick or stressed. When it does, the monkey can become contagious, secreting the virus in its spit, pee, or poop. That’s how the virus can spread to people. In humans, herpes B causes a devastating brain disease that the CDC says is deadly about 70 percent of the time — especially without treatment.
Okay, so these little monkeys are running around and spreading Herpes, and they’re an invasive species, not native to Florida. Clearly we can do what it is we do with harmful, invasive species and remove them from the environment, right?
By 2012, 1,000 rhesus macaques had been trapped and removed before public outcry stopped the control effort. (People sure love furry, feral, ecosystem-endangering mammals.) At last count in 2015, some 175 macaques were living in Silver Springs State Park.
See, this is why everyone hates you, Florida. But I guess it’s not like they’re choosing to save this dangerous, disease-ridden animal over keeping their own children safe, right?
The wild monkeys also poop everywhere, Wisely says, so there could be plenty of chances for exposure that way. “To be honest with you, we found feces on children’s slides, and in the playground,” she says.
Yeah, okay, Florida. We keep giving you second chances and you keep disappointing us. It’s like your state is a movie based on a DC Comics property. South America, take it away.
Sometimes after a long day of pretending to be dead and rooting through trash bins you just need to kick back and take the edge off. That’s just what this Florida opossum did when she broke into a liquor store and drank an entire bottle of bourbon because opossums like to party.
According to the AP, the opossum was taken to a wildlife refuge where it was given fluids until it sobered up and it was released back into the wild, proving that even opossums take rehab more seriously than Harvey Weinstein.
Luckily for the opossum it was white, otherwise the police would have shot it while it was passed out for ‘resisting arrest’ and Tucker Carlson would be opening tonight’s show going “Well, it did steal a bottle of liquor, this opossum was no saint” and a bunch people would get mad when an NFL player took a knee to protest the shooting.
After the opossum was returned to the wild, she became a bit of a celebrity on social media.
It's been a tough year and Florida opossum is allowed to cope however he needs to. https://t.co/1mUBKaqbYG
— Josh (@JoshMLabelle) December 2, 2017
— Red (@Redpainter1) December 2, 2017
— Margo Price (@MissMargoPrice) December 3, 2017
— KTVB Brian Holmes (@KTVBBrian) December 3, 2017
I mean, not everyone is funny, but nice try, guy.
Now that's an opossum I could party with! https://t.co/zuZeGRLuZ4
— KidWind Project (@KidWind_Project) December 4, 2017
Opossum be wilding pic.twitter.com/DEQSnWZ5gP
— Naruto (@OrichimaruSama) December 4, 2017
Apparently the opossum’s celebrity is already encouraging copycats… err… copyrams, I guess. A ram tried to break into a liquor store in Nova Scotia is what I’m saying.
— This Jol(ly) Viking (@MiamiVice95) December 4, 2017
So basically, we’ve got a cute but mindless animal that’s now Internet famous for getting drunk and passing out in a strange place, and she’s already inspiring others to imitate her. Make sure to tune into Keeping Up With The Opossums on E!, coming soon.
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Zoey Tess Vic Steffens Recording Studio
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Zoey Tess Vic Steffens Recording Studio
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Don Jay & Artful Soul Present "A Night of Giving Back" at LT's Corner Music Bar Grille. Featuring Zoey Tess and Nelson Garcia. All Proceeds and Donations will be given to 'R' Kids Family Center.
After pulling over Aramis Ayala, Florida’s only black state attorney, police officers were shown scrambling for an explanation for why they pulled her over in the first place. The officer initially told her that when he ran her tag it came back in a way he hadn’t seen before.
Where this gets really interesting is that when she asks him why he ran her tag in the first place, he claims they just run tags randomly at traffic lights to make sure cars aren’t stolen. And also that her windows were tinted and may be too dark. I’m not sure about that, but I’m pretty sure he pulled her over because something in the car was too dark for his liking.
The body camera footage of the incident lacks audio until the officer initiates the stop, so we have no way of knowing what he said while running Ayala’s tag. I wouldn’t want to assume that a white police officer just saw a black woman in a nice car and assumed it was stolen, that would be racial profiling, and that would be wrong.
Look, it’s funny to see how deferential this peckerwood gets when he learns he’s essentially just pulled over his boss for Driving While Black, but it’s a problem. There’s nothing funny about how wrong these unnecessary traffic stops can go. Philando Castile was shot dead in front of his four-year-old daughter because a police officer claimed he feared for his life after smelling marijuana in the car. The reason given for that stop was that Castile looked like a robbery suspect because of his “wide-set nose.”
There are no easy answers for how to solve these sorts of problems that plague our society. Things like gun violence, racial anxiety and income inequality are serious problems that can sometimes feel like they’re unsolvable. That’s why it’s important to stop and have a laugh about some terrible tabloid thinking Ashton Kutcher is boffing his cousin every once in a while.
Venus Williams is finally speaking up about that fatal car accident -- probably against the advice of legal counsel.
In case you haven't heard, the tennis star was found at fault for a car accident in Palm Beach Gardens, Florida on June 9, in which a 78-year-old man named Jerome Barson was killed.
Jerome's wife Linda Barson, who was also in the car, has reportedly already filed a wrongful death lawsuit against Venus.
That makes is all the more surprising to us she has made a public statement, something attorneys so often advise against.
Venus took to Facebook to write:
What do YOU think of Venus' statement?
[Image via Starpress/WENN.]
I mean, that’s a pretty solid grift.
No one would ever suspect anyone of pretending to be in any way affiliated with Nickelback.
According to The Wrap, police in Port St. Lucie Florida arrested 45-year-old Lee Howard Koenig for tryna use Nickelback drummer Daniel Adair’s identity to purchase about $25K in music gear, including drum parts, from a company in Vienna, Austria. Detective Paul Griffith said of the alleged fraud:
“[Koenig allegedly] identified himself as Daniel Adair with Nickelback and said that he was looking for some microphones and tried to place an order via an email,” Griffith continued. “He says he’s Daniel Adair from Nickelback.”
According to the affidavit, Adair said he never placed any such order. Koenig, on the other hand, has a record of pulling shit like this. Dude was sentenced to three years in prison in 2009 for fraudulently collecting $78,000.
Florida is at it again with the crazy shit.
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If you want to tell me you have not fantasized about doing this to some hanger-on that just wouldn’t shut up you are probably lying.
32-year-old Alana Anette Savell was arrested Monday on a charge of aggravated battery with a firearm. After two guests in her home got rowdy and drunk, she pulled a gun on them and opened fire, hitting one woman in the legs and also managing to shoot her boyfriend by accident.
This is all because Savell didn’t want them in her home. Did she try asking them to leave first?
Apparently Savell did this on the advice of her genius boyfriend, who told her that if she asks somebody to leave her home three times and they don’t, the next and most obvious step is shooting them in the fucking leg.
What the fuck, Florida?