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The ‘Between Two Ferns’ Movie I Never Knew I Needed

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Kristen Stewart Says She Could Have Been Offered a Marvel Movie if She Wasn’t So Darn Gay

People like to think that Disney is woke. This belief is undertaken almost entirely on faith, because these people are constantly talking about how they’re boycotting Chick-Fil-A or Soul Cycle or whatever, but they do not want to face any reality that involves them not being able to watch Toy Story and Avengers and will not hear anything about how Marvel CEO and major Disney shareholder Ike Perlmutter is a huge donor and top advisor to Donald Trump.

There’s evidence all around that Disney, and specifically Marvel, aren’t woke. For starters, there have been stories for years about how Disney has meticulously cut any implication that a character might be anything less than 100% heterosexual from Marvel movies since they bought them. To date, the only openly LGBT character to appear in a Marvel movie doesn’t have a name. Also, you know, ask Ellen Degeneres how being a lesbian worked out for her ABC sitcom.

Which brings me to Kristen Stewart. Stewart is one of those people who is annoyingly coy about their sexuality when anyone in the world, when asked to describe it, would say it’s bisexuality. But she’s one of those “I don’t like labels” bisexuals. And she recently said in an interview that if she stopped doing that and just acted straight, she could be in a Marvel movie.

Here’s what she told Harper’s Bazaar:

She accepts that she has become a sort of standard-bearer for that ambiguity. But she doesn’t mind. If she can make the conversation about sexuality easier for anyone, she’s happy. She also couldn’t care less about the impact any of this might have on her career. In the past, she says, “I have fully been told, ‘If you just like do yourself a favour, and don’t go out holding your girlfriend’s hand in public, you might get a Marvel movie.'” She looks almost amused at the memory. “I don’t want to work with people like that.” Now, by contrast, people approach her, drawn to that undefined sexuality, wanting to make movies about it. Stewart shakes her head in mock despair. “Literally, life is a huge popularity contest.”

Now, to be fair, Stewart didn’t say that this came from anyone with the ability to hire her for a Marvel movie. It seems like something an agent might say.

But think about this: why wasn’t Kristen Stewart Captain Marvel? Brie Larson did a fine job and I like Brie, but Stewart was my choice for Captain Marvel for years. Don’t you think that Kristen Stewart’s sort of stereotypical schtick would have made her a great Captain Marvel?

No multinational corporation is woke. If they think an actress is going to scare off viewers by being gay, they’re not going to hire her. And if they think that there’s money to be made in having a gay character, then they’re going to make a third-string character you’ve never heard of from a D-List property that they’re hoping they can make into the next Guardians of the Galaxy gay. It’s not because they want to support you, it’s because they want your money.

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An Unbelievably High Number of People Think They’re Going to Die Because ‘Joker’ is Getting Rave Reviews

If I’m honest with you, Joker was never a movie with a concept that never much appealed to me. I’m not a huge fan of superhero origin stories and the Joker isn’t one of my favorite characters. Sure, he’s been in some really great stories, but you know what else those stories had? They had Batman. And no matter how good your Joker is, he’s not going to be better than Mark Hamill in Batman: The Animated Series. There’s just not a lot of compelling evidence that a Joker origin movie is going to be good.

But it shows what I know, because Joker is getting rave reviews. The movie received an eight minute long standing ovation after it’s premier at the Venice Film Festival and has so far been getting rave reviews. In fact, Joker has generated honest-to-God Oscar buzz for star Joaquin Phoenix, which as far as I can remember is a first for a comic book movie.

The reaction to this on social media has been absolutely insufferable. You know how sometimes people will write stories based on cherry-picked tweets from nobodies that don’t actually reflect a viewpoint held by any significant amount of people? This is not one of those times. Honest to god influential people are pooping their pants because they think someone is going to kill them because they saw a comic book movie.

That’s the Editor-in-Chief of Mother Jones, a once-respectable news magazine. She is not some Twitter rando. Also worth mentioning that the Aurora shooter was neither dressed like nor inspired by the Joker, that’s basically just an urban legend because the place he shot up was showing a Batman film at the time. A Batman film the Joker wasn’t even in.

So this is a Twitter rando, but he has thousands of retweets and tens of thousands of likes. The “review” he’s highlighting is also obviously, glaringly a joke. And the guy doubled down when people pointed it out.

No, shut up. You got fooled by a parody. It’s happened to the best of us, we all get taken in by a fake headline or a satire that isn’t all that obvious to us in the moment, just take the L and move on.

“Comic historian.” And Gail Simone isn’t at all calling the movie toxic. Because she’s smart.

In addition, there’s a clip from an interview Phoenix did saying he “nearly went mad” playing the Joker. This is a lie. He “nearly went mad” because he had to lose 50 pounds, not because playing the Joker is so psychologically damaging, he’s not a nutter like Jared Leto.

The Joker has been around since 1940, and the character has a lot of different facets and interpretations over the years. So far, I’m not aware anyone has actually killed anyone because of the character in the first 79 years he’s existed. The weird fear-mongering around this movie is just that. It sounds like it’s going to be a really good movie. Maybe just relax and watch it. It’s about a guy who dresses like a clown in a suit and kills people. It’s not that serious.

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The Joker… Again

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Stan Lee’s Daughter JC Blasts Marvel And Disney, Claims They Disrespected Stan the Man

Without Stan Lee, Jack Kirby and Steve Ditko, there would be no Marvel Comics, let alone a Marvel Cinematic Universe. The only Marvel characters most people have ever heard of that one of the three of them didn’t have a hand in creating is basically just Wolverine, Deadpool and some of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

With Disney possibly having to face the reality of a Marvel Cinematic Universe without their most popular character in light of Disney’s frankly insulting offer to Sony to share Spider-Man, everyone is taking sides, and Stan Lee’s daughter JC is siding with Sony over Marvel.

In a statement to TMZ, JC laid into Marvel over their treatment of her father and his legacy.

You might want to disagree with JC and side with Marvel and talk about how well Marvel treated their creators, but… not so fast.

Bill Mantlo, creator of Rocket Raccoon and the eponymous stars of Marvel TV series Cloak and Dagger, was left permanently disabled after being hit by a car while rollerblading in 1992. His family was forced to set up a GoFundMe (that didn’t meet its goal) to pay for his medical expenses despite the fact that Disney made roughly $6 billion dollars on movies that characters he created appeared in.

Jack Kirby’s family was involved in a legal battle with Marvel for years seeking to take back the rights to the characters he created under an arcane clause in the copyright law from the 1978 extension that allows for creators to terminate sales of copyrights made to companies when those copyrights would have originally entered the public domain. The basic gist was that Kirby wasn’t getting credit or royalties from Marvel for the use of characters he created. During the trial, John Romita, Sr., a contemporary of Kirby, Lee and Ditko and one of Marvel’s most prolific artists, testified to receiving about $7,000 a year in royalties from Marvel.

Now, Stan Lee made a lot of money. But he got millions for his creations while executives like Ike Perlmutter and Bob Iger got billions. And what he got he mainly got by becoming an executive himself, along with smartly marketing himself as the face of Marvel comics.

So what Marvel is trying to do in their fight with Sony should be no surprise, it’s what they do best: take as much money as they can for work someone else did.

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Sony Has Found an Enemy in Jeremy Renner

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Disney Could Lose Spider-Man, Putting World Domination Plans On Hold Until At Least 2021

When Spider-Man was created in 1962 by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko (with some contributions behind the scenes from Jack Kirby), the copyright term was 56 years, meaning Spider-Man should have entered into the public domain on January 1st, 2018. Mainly because of the actions of Disney in the late 70s, the copyright term was extended to “haha, fuck you, corporations own everything forever.”

Now Disney and Sony are having a public slapfight over a new agreement for Marvel to continue to use Spider-Man in the Marvel Cinematic Universe with Sony rejecting Disney’s offer of a 50/50 split of costs and profits, a deal which former Spider-Man writer Sean McKeever pointed out would have made the studio less on the billion dollar Spider-Man Far From Home than they made on Venom, which turned in a much more modest performance.

Early reports suggested that the deal was off and Spider-Man was out of the MCU. This would leave Sony free to make their own Spider-Man movies with Tom Holland, but it would present certain problems based on how integrated into the Iron Man films he was. Like, we all know that the formative moment in Spider-Man’s journey as a hero was the death of his father figure, the man who mentored him and taught him the important lessons that would forever define his moral fabric: Tony Stark, international arms dealer and billionaire playboy. Without that important part of his backstory, Sony may have to create another character to take that role, perhaps giving Peter an uncle or something.

I joke, but Spider-Man felt much more like Iron Lad in the Marvel Cinematic Universe than Spider-Man. They removed pretty much every trace of his unique world and plopped him into a film that could have been Iron Man 4 with a few tweaks. Even his supporting cast feels more like Iron Man’s and less like Spider-Man’s. What this means is that had Disney not fought to extend copyright in the 70s (and a few times since then), they could simply continue using Spider-Man as basically nothing in the films comes from material that would still be copyrighted (aside from Mary Jane Watson, though one could argue Zendaya’s MJ is a new character).

Of course, a few hours after news broke that the studios hadn’t reached terms on continuing their arrangement, Variety reported that Sony and Disney are still negotiating, meaning it’s likely one or both parties leaked this information as a negotiating tactic. 

Personally, I think they’re going to reach an agreement. Disney isn’t going to want to not be able to use Marvel’s most recognizable character in the Marvel movies, it’s like doing Justice League without Superman. And nobody would be that stupid, right?

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Bella Thorne Is a Director Now, If Porn Counts as Directing

Usually when actors want to move into directing, they’ll do it by directing an episode of the show they’re on. It makes sense because they know they cast and crew and feel comfortable on the set.

Bella Thorne decided to go another way with it, making her directorial debut on Pornhub with the pornographic film Her & Him.

I’m more of a fan of porn movies with titles of the More Dirty Asian Debutantes or Lesbian Nymphomaniac Sorority Sleepover variety. I feel like making artsy porno movies with intricate plots just gets in the way of the reason people are watching. It feels pretty retro, like 70s porno except with no pubic hair or weird-shaped boobs.

EW reported that’s part of a new initiative for the site.

The film, titled Her & Him, is part of Pornhub’s Visionaries Director’s Series, which features debut films by unexpected directors in order to diversify porn production. Previous entries in the series were directed by rapper Young M.A. and singer-rapper Brooke Candy.

I mean, it is in line with her whole thing. Hey, I need to tell William we’ve found something Bella will probably succeed at.

“What inspired me to do this movie was thinking about this relationship between a male and a female and this fight over dominance and how much that relates to us in our general world, besides just a sexual scenario,” Thorne said in a behind-the-scenes video. “My vision behind the story was basically creating these two dynamic characters that could switch off between dominant and submissive.”

I think people just want to see them fuck, Bella. Don’t turn something beautiful like pornography into something cheap and tawdry like a Hollywood film.

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The Trailer for Bong Joon-ho’s ‘Parasite’ Is Here

And you should really watch it.

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Disney Sounds Like They’re Going to Axe Taika Waititi’s Anti-Nazi Comedy ‘Jojo Rabbit’, Anything Else Good or Interesting

Man, I wish someone had warned me that there might be negative consequences to Disney buying Fox and controlling like 50% of the American film industry. I just thought it would be really cool for Wolverine to be an Avenger.

Well, Marvel is making a Fantastic Four film and X-Men films, but it may have left fans feeling a bit like Thanos at the end of Infinity War.

Those chickens are coming home to roost as Disney has turned out to be much, much more risk-averse than Fox. Fox Searchlight has been distributing critically-acclaimed independent films for a long time, and many of them are the kind of thoughtful, small, emotional pictures Disney is smothering out with things like the “live-action” Lion King film that made a billion dollars in the widest opening for any film ever even though everyone agrees it’s visually terrible.

It could even impact Taika Waititi, who has been a studio guy for Disney and turned out a big hit tent pole film with Thor: Ragnarok and is giving them lady Thor in Thor: Love and Thunder because Disney doesn’t really understand what exactly it is that women like about the Thor movies.

It’s that.

But he’s at risk of having a film shelved as Variety reports Disney is looking to play it safe.

Disney is prioritizing making more broadly commercial projects, which includes ongoing work on sequels to James Cameron’s “Avatar” and starry safe bets like the on-screen reunion of Matt Damon and Ben Affleck in the drama “The Last Duel.”

Normally the reward for being a studio guy and making the big tentpole movies is you get to make your less-profitable passion projects that are, let’s be honest, probably better movies. But Disney sounds like they really want to dump Waititi’s Jojo Rabbit, in which the director plays Hitler.

The only bright spot for the film operation would seem to be Fox Searchlight, the long-operating darling of the indie film world, which will test Disney’s patience with the wacky Hitler drama “Jojo Rabbit,” from “Thor: Ragnarok” director Taika Waititi, this fall. The movie is expected to be a major awards contender.

The scathing takedown of Nazism may, however, prove a little too edgy for Disney brass accustomed to producing movies suitable for parents and kids. Searchlight has started to screen the film for its new parent company. Halfway through one recent viewing one executive grew audibly uncomfortable, worrying aloud that the material would alienate Disney fans. His unease may have been over the film’s cutting-edge satire, but it was also an expression of the culture clash taking place as the two studios embark on their new union.

Keep in mind Disney distributed Pulp Fiction and the world didn’t end. And don’t think that just because Deadpool has been consistently beloved by critics and audiences and has been the most profitable R-Rated film franchise ever that it’s safe.

The studio is also grappling with how to fit the very R-rated Deadpool into its PG-13-rated Marvel Cinematic Universe.

The goal is to find a way for the character to move seamlessly between “Avengers” spinoffs and bloody, profane stand-alone adventures.

Just do exactly that. Or don’t put Deadpool in the Avengers films because he’s a comedy character who constantly breaks the fourth wall and trying to play him straight never, ever works. He’s the Bugs Bunny of Marvel Comics.

It does make me think, though, that if any company other than Disney was as big as Disney, they’d be looking for a way to convince the public to take them seriously as a company that could produce memorable films with real artistry to them; instead, Disney is worried that the films it inherited from Fox that have artistry and nuance and appeal to adults who think and want to be challenged might hurt ticket sales for its baby films it’s convinced adults they can’t live without.

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Sarah Silverman Says She Lost A Movie Role Over a 2007 ‘The Sarah Silverman Program’ Skit

Remember The Sarah Silverman Program? It was a Comedy Central show back when The Daily Show was still funny and offering insightful commentary and it starred Sarah Silverman as an exaggerated version of herself who was incompetent and stupid and had be looked over by her sister Laura, played by her actual sister Laura Silverman.

It was a really funny show and Sarah was never afraid to push boundaries. And over a decade later, one of the bits she did on the show came back to bite her on the ass.

I am, of course, talking about the episode where Sarah wears blackface for basically the whole episode. The gist of the episode is she gets discriminated against for being Jewish, and wears blackface to prove being Jewish is harder than being black because again, she’s playing an idiot on this show. It wasn’t a bad episode, but 30 Rock did it better. Twice.

Unlike Jon Hamm, Sarah Silverman says that the blackface episode of her show cost her a movie role.

Via The Guardian:

Guesting on The Bill Simmons Podcast, Silverman said that she was let go the day before shooting on her scenes was due to start because of the photo, taken on the set of The Sarah Silverman Show.

“I recently was going to do a movie, a sweet part,” she said, “then, at 11pm the night before, they fired me because they saw a picture of me in blackface from that episode.

“I didn’t fight it. They hired someone else who is wonderful but who has never stuck their neck out. It was so disheartening. It just made me real, real sad, because I really kind of devoted my life to making it right.”

She also brought up cancel culture.

Silverman did not name the film but discussed “cancel culture” with Simmons, saying that the current climate had left her feeling fearful. “I think it’s really scary and it’s a very odd thing that it’s invaded the left primarily and the right will mimic it,” adding that she dubs it “righteousness porn”.

“It’s like, if you’re not on board, if you say the wrong thing, if you had a tweet once, everyone is, like, throwing the first stone,” she continued. “It’s so odd. It’s a perversion. It’s really, ‘Look how righteous I am and now I’m going to press refresh all day long to see how many likes I get in my righteousness.’”

She’s right, of course. People on the internet like to be bullies, and they like to be bullies to people in a way where they can say they’re in the right because someone didn’t live up to their perceived moral standards. It’s kind of like… Did you see the clip from the DSA meeting where the people were asking for “points of personal privilege”?

That’s what cancel culture is. We’re all talking about something important, and then people start making attacks because someone clapped or said “Guys”. Only on Twitter you get death threats for days because you said female. It’s dumb and it accomplishes nothing.

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Have You Ever Imagined Someone Making a Video About How Ugly You Are? 😭

Future Shang-Chi lead Simu Liu doesn’t have to imagine anymore. Roasted.

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Macaulay Culkin Will Reboot His Own ‘Home Alone’ Movie

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Constance Wu Insisted on Top Billing for ‘Hustlers’

Is Constance Wu really a big star? She was in Crazy Rich Asians, which was an okay movie, but if you replaced her with Lacey Chabert that shit would have been on the Hallmark Channel. That Netflix film her Fresh Off the Boat co-star Randall Park did with Ali Wong was way better, and the two of them co-wrote it in addition to starring in it. And he didn’t even have a meltdown on social media when Fresh Off the Boat got renewed.

Apparently Constance Wu is a bit of a diva. And by a bit of a diva I mean the type of person who would have a total meltdown about getting another year of steady, high-paid work on a high-profile TV show. She’s mentioned a few times how important the show is for having actual representation of Asian-Americans on television, but I guess she feels that isn’t quite as important as Constance Wu getting to be a movie star.

And not just a movie star, Page Six reported she insisted on being top-billed in her upcoming film Hustlers over Jennifer Lopez and Cardi B, both of whom are easily bigger draws than Wu.

While “Hustlers” premieres in September, select publications have been walloped with a warning from the studio that Wu must be named first in the press as the film’s biggest star. A source said Lopez and her production partners signed off on Wu’s top billing “a long time ago,” adding, “Constance is in the unique position of being a part of projects that are breaking through Asian-American representation in Hollywood.”

See, Constance Wu’s success is your success, Asian-American maid making minimum wage that had to clean up a room covered in rabbit shit after Wu absolutely destroyed it.

Remember when Constance Wu made those really long, thoughtful comments on Matt Damon being in The Great Wall or Casey Affleck’s Oscar nod? I’m starting to think she just though both of those things should have gone to Constance Wu, which is not out of step with what everyone is saying about her.

Then, on the NYC set of “Hustlers” this spring, Wu made enemies anew with her diva demands. One on-set source told Page Six that Wu was “a pain in the f–king ass. She just won’t agree to do anything … It’s like a cliché. She is very talented — but all signs are pointing to a difficult diva.” Another insider added, “She’s a total piece of work. She thinks it’s OK to treat people badly and say out loud whatever comes to her.”

One thing to keep in mind when you get famous like Constance Wu, or even actually famous like Matt Damon, is that you want to be really nice to your assistants and whatnot because they’re alone with your food every day.

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Senator Lindsey Graham Has Strong Feelings on Tom Cruise’s Wardrobe in ‘Top Gun’ Sequel

There’s a new Top Gun movie coming soon for some reason, was anyone really clamoring for this? Well, I guess Senator Lindsey Graham was, but I can’t imagine why.

That explains a lot of why Graham is interested in it, actually. But I want to make it clear then when I compare Senator Graham to Waylan Smithers, I’m not being homophobic, I just mean that he’s a snivelling, spineless toady.

How much sand do you think they had to pile in front of that net to make it some Tom Cruise could spike a ball over it, by the way? I mean, I guess they had it from the ditch they dug for Val Kilmer to walk in when the two were in frame together.

Unsurprisingly, in an impromptu conversation with TMZ, Graham was asked about Tom Cruise’s outfit in Top Gun: Maverick, specifically that it had been altered by the Chinese investors in the film to remove the Japanese and Taiwanese flags.

Graham says that it “sucks,” which I don’t think is appropriate language for a Senator. But he’s still going to watch it because of course he is, it glorifies the military and has shirtless men, Lindsey Graham is basically the entire target audience.

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Lana Del Rey Really Wants to Play Priscilla Presley

Baz Luhrmann is directing the upcoming Elvis Presley biopic starring Austin Butler and Lana Del Rey is begging to play Priscilla Presley. She’s been telling her agent to annoy Baz for months now in hopes of getting cast. Solely based on the fact they look similar.

Baz is reportedly hesitant to cast Del Rey, because, well, the closest she’s ever come to acting is looking like an emotionless doll in her music videos. And it seems she knows this because “she’s been driving her friend Kristen Stewart crazy, badgering her for method acting tips at every opportunity.” Which would help her out a lot. Kristen Stewart is a very good actor. Have you seen all the different ways she bites her lip in every movie? That’s versatility.

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The New Trailer for ‘It: Chapter Two’ Is Here 🤡

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Let’s All Calm Down, Nobody is Making James Bond a Woman

The big news in Hollywood today is that James Bond has been replaced by a woman! Take that, eight guys on an anonymous Internet forum who hate women, you’ve been pwned. Remember that? Pwned? Remember when that was a thing? From that Community episode?

Yes, social media exploded into a fury of laughing at people who are mad about the news that 007 will be a black woman in the next James Bond film, even though those people probably don’t exist. And James Bond isn’t going to be a woman, he’s still going to be Daniel Craig.

The Daily Mail broke the story that Lashana Lynch will co-star alongside Craig as Agent 007, the designation she took after Bond retired. 

The story begins with Bond retired in Jamaica. But spymaster M – played by Ralph Fiennes – calls him back in desperation to tackle a new global crisis.

A movie insider said: ‘There is a pivotal scene at the start of the film where M says ‘Come in 007’, and in walks Lashana who is black, beautiful and a woman.

‘It’s a popcorn-dropping moment. Bond is still Bond but he’s been replaced as 007 by this stunning woman.

While this is being reported as “they’re making James Bond a woman” all over the Internet, it sounds like Lynch’s character is going to be more like Felix Leiter. And while this is framed as Bond “passing the torch” to the new 007, if you’ve ever seen a movie, any movie at all, you probably realize that Bond will back as 007 by the end of the film.

Still, co-writer Phoebe Waller-Bridge sounds like she has a handle on James Bond.

‘There’s been a lot of talk about whether or not Bond is relevant now because of who he is and the way he treats women.

‘I think that’s bollocks. I think he’s absolutely relevant now. [The franchise] has just got to grow. It has just got to evolve, and the important thing is that the film treats the women properly. He doesn’t have to. He needs to be true to his character.’

See? No lady Bond, no PC Bond, just a script with contributions by a talented woman that sees Bond team up with a strong, competent woman. Who might die. Pretty much every 00 agent in a Bond film other than Bond has been killed, so there’s a way better chance she dies than that she stays 007.

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ScarJo Tries to Backpedal on ‘I Can Play Anyone’ Comment After Backlash

Scarlett Johansson seems to be constantly embroiled in controversies over the roles she takes in films. There was Rub and Tug, where she was cast as a trans man and eventually left, Ghost in the Shell where she played a Japanese robot, the Avengers where people were very mad Black Widow wasn’t played by an actual Russian assassin/former child soldier and of course no one really believed her in Lucy as a woman who uses 100% of her brain.

While ScarJo has been somewhat contrite about these controversies in the past, it seems like being an internet punchline has caught up with her and she’s sick of it. TMZ reported Johansson is now defiant, saying she should play any role she wants. 

ScarJo opened up about politically correct casting to As If magazine (without directly mentioning her now-debunked role in “Rub and Tug”), saying … “You know, as an actor I should be allowed to play any person, or any tree, or any animal because that is my job and the requirements of my job.”

She added, “I feel like it’s a trend in my business and it needs to happen for various social reasons, yet there are times it does get uncomfortable when it affects the art because I feel art should be free of restrictions,” going on to say … “I think society would be more connected if we just allowed others to have their own feelings and not expect everyone to feel the way we do.” 

That went over about as well as you’d think, and EW reported shortly after that Johansson issued another statement on the quote. 

“The question I was answering in my conversation with the contemporary artist, David Salle, was about the confrontation between political correctness and art,” she continues. “I personally feel that, in an ideal world, any actor should be able to play anybody and Art, in all forms, should be immune to political correctness. That is the point I was making, albeit didn’t come across that way. I recognize that in reality, there is a wide spread discrepancy amongst my industry that favors Caucasian, cis gendered actors and that not every actor has been given the same opportunities that I have been privileged to. I continue to support, and always have, diversity in every industry and will continue to fight for projects where everyone is included.”

Image Comics publisher and Savage Dragon creator Erik Larsen weighed in here with what I think is a really good and often overlooked point: these movies may not be made at all without ScarJo attached.

And there’s a point here, one we also made when first reporting on this story; who is starring in Rub and Tug after Johansson left? When is it going into production? When is it coming to theaters?

Johansson wants to walk this sort of tightrope where she’s saying “Well, of course I want more people of color to get more roles, but in a perfect world I would have been able to Al Jolson my way through Black Panther and I would have been the shuckingest, jivingest Wakandan ever.” She didn’t actually say that, by the way, this is a comedy website. I don’t want to end up on Snopes.

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No Music, No Mushu: Here’s Your First Look at ‘Mulan’

Get those pitchforks ready, Twitter. You got something new to complain about.

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Social Media Users Suspect Disney May Have Been Behind Fake ‘Little Mermaid’ Outrage

In 2016, when the world got a first look at the upcoming Ghostbusters movie, the reaction was immediately clear: it looked terrible. It quickly became one of the most disliked videos on YouTube

There may have been a myriad of reasons for this, but the main one is that it was a pretty terrible movie. Instead of capturing the charm and wit and character of the original film, it basically tried to be a Marvel movie with a few more jokes. But something weird happened.

People started saying the only reason no one liked this bland, unfunny remake of a beloved film was because the main cast was all women. Suddenly anyone who didn’t like it was a misogynist, and not even Richard Roeper, one of the most respected film critics of our day, was allowed to dislike it without being accused of misogyny.

And then people started saying they were going to see it in the theater just to “teach the misogynists a lesson.”

You might say this didn’t help the film because it did pretty poorly at the box office, only bringing in around $200 million, not even close to making a profit. But Holmes and Watson, a similarly bad film that released late last year, only brought in about $40 million. Ghostbusters had a pretty good opening weekend for a comedy, it just didn’t perform well in the following weeks or overseas because by then the cat was out of the bag that it wasn’t a very good movie despite critics being afraid to say this because after all if they came for Richard Roeper you better believe they’re going to come for Jim Hayseed of the Butthole Falls Fair Dealer.

After Ghostbusters, this kept happening. A small number of people would get mad about something stupid in a movie like Black Panther or Captain Marvel, or even just say “Marvel movies are basically all the same and there are 30 of them, maybe we don’t have to pretend this is a work of cinematic genius and instead we can agree it’s just okay,” and suddenly seeing these movies wasn’t just an okay way to spend a few hours, you were fighting to be on the right side of history by giving Disney your money.

Now Disney has announced that Halle Bailey, who is not Halle Berry but is black, will be playing Ariel in the upcoming Little Mermaid live-action remake and right on time, the trolls are there to be racist about it.

Except they kind of weren’t. I mean, someone started #NotMyAriel ‘movement’ on Twitter, but the account it seems to have started with had a fake profile picture and the only tweets on their account were the new Spider-Man trailer and complaints about The Little Mermaid.

And while #NotMyAriel was trending on Twitter, it didn’t seem like there were many people there at all who were actually complaining. It was an entire hashtag populated by people saying that the people pushing the hashtag were ignorant and wrong with no one seeming to actually have all that much of a problem with it.

And then a theory started to form. Did Disney set this all up to market their film?

That’s another thing: This all happened in the middle of two pretty bad news stories for Disney; they wouldn’t let the father of a recently deceased kid who loved Spider-Man have Spidey’s logo on his tombstone and the announcement that the upcoming live-action Mulan wouldn’t have Mushu or any musical numbers in it.

Now, there’s no actual proof Disney is behind this. If you think I have the resources here to do investigative journalism then you are sadly mistaken about both the scope of my job and this blog. But the conspiracy here does make a lot of sense. Even if people aren’t seeing movies like Captain Marvel to “stick it to the haters” these stories generate a lot of free press. And if no one is going to get outraged and give you an entire news cycle of free coverage, then it would probably be worth it to invent them.

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Halle Bailey Cast as The Little Mermaid, Racists Flip Out on Twitter

Halle Bailey is about to be part of our big screen world.

The 19-year old -- who forms one half of the R&B duo Chloe X Halle, along with her sister -- has been cast as Ariel in the upcoming live-action remake of The Little Mermaid.

Halle Bailey Picture

Said director Rob Marshall of the decision to cast Bailey in the title role of the film, which is based entirely on the iconic 1989 Disney cartoon:

"After an extensive search, it was abundantly clear that Halle possesses that rare combination of spirit, heart, youth, innocence and substance - plus a glorious singing voice - all intrinsic qualities necessary to play this iconic role."

Melissa McCarthy, Jacob Tremblay and Awkwafina are also also talks to star and lend their voices to the movie, which will begin production in 2020.

The Little Mermaid will be the latest Disney cartoon to be remade in this live-action fashion, following this spring's Aladdin and this summer's The Lion King.

So... that's it, right?

End of story and end of this latest piece of interesting movie news?

NOPE!

Halle Bailey

Because social media can be a terrible place, full of judgment A-Holes and racists in general, many people out there are aghast over Bailey's casting.

Because they thought it was Halle Berry who was cast as Ariel?

Actuallly, yes. This was an initial misunderstanding.

But the bigger uproar has centered around the fact that Bailey is African-American and the character of Ariel was not.

Of course, she as also a mermaid and Bailey is a human... but no one has really objected to this difference between the singer and the curious mermaid.

Halle Bailey Photo

This person, for example, tried to use science to argue that Ariel simply had to be white:

ariel tweet

There was also the use of the fake term "blackwashing," along with some attempts to reason that Ariel is Dutch and, therefore, well, you see...

blackwashing

We'll spare you the disgusting details of other, similar Tweets.

But know this: There's a Change.org petition, which we are NOT about to link to, that calls for Bailey to be fired there must be "justice for Ariel" and the petition signees aren't about to let "Disney ruin our childhood."

We don't even know what to say about people who actually get worked up over what ethnicity they think a cartoon ought to be when he or she is brought to life by an actual person.

Go outside? Take a nice, long walk? Try to re-evaluate every aspect of your life?

Because, seriously, you are 1. Mostly just being racist; and 2. Really need to direct this anger toward pretty much anything else of importance in the world.

halle twitter

The above Tweet is how Bailey herself reacted to the casting news.

Pretty awesome image, isn't it?

We're just gonna go ahead and leave it at that,

Eric Andre Bringing Us His Own Hidden Cam Prank Comedy

It’s like Borat but from the mind of Eric Andre. A scripted movie with unscripted pranks.

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Megan Fox Is Not Making a Comeback

Writer: What if there was a girl with superpowers?

Producer: What would her superpowers be?

Writer: She’s invisible!

Producer: Yes, go on.

Writer: And she spends most of her life feeling alone because no one can see her.

Producer: Ok, interesting. Does she fight crime with her invisibility? Like an Avenger?

Writer: Yes. Well. No. She helps an ex-MMA fighter, whose the only one that can see her, restart his fighting career.

Producer: Wait…

Writer: And helps him try to get back with his girlfriend.

Producer: I don’t think…

Writer: But the MMA fighter falls in love with the invisible girl.

Producer: This sounds…

Writer: The girlfriend of the MMA fighter will be Megan Fox!

Producer: Greenlit.

Writer: And the tagline will be “Fight to be seen”

Producer: Please stop talking.

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Marvel Has Been Trying to Get Keanu Reeves Into the MCU For a While Now

After starring in an iconic movie, Keanu Reeves goes into hibernation until he finds another iconic movie to resurface with. He went from Bill & Ted to Point Break to Speed to The Matrix to John Wick. I’m not going to mention all those movies he did in between because that would ruin my narrative. But my point is Keanu Reeves is a national treasure and Kevin Feige realizes this because for every Marvel movie, he gives him a call.

“We talk to him for almost every film we make,” Feige laughed. “We talk to Keanu Reeves about. I don’t know when, if, or ever he’ll join the MCU, but we very much want to figure out the right way to do it.”

Feige went on to compare Reeves to Jake Gyllenhaal, saying that they talked to the Spider-Man: Far From Home star “multiple times” until the perfect role (Mysterio) appeared. They’re hoping a similar situation will occur with Revees, and that he will join the wide world of Marvel when the right role presents itself.

Judging by how much money Marvel wants to milk out of its fans, there’s going to be another 50 years of Marvel movies so if he doesn’t break down by then, they can just switch up his dementia medication and trick him into one of their movies.

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Marvel is Bringing an Extended Cut of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ to Theaters Because The Last Version Was Just Too Short

Marvel really, really wants Avengers: Endgame to be the highest-grossing film of all time. It didn’t quite get there in its theatrical run, coming up about 44 million dollars behind Avatar, which is also owned by Disney now. But the only thing to do when you come this close to the record and miss is to slap some deleted scenes onto the movie and squeeze that last $50 million out of the specific sort of nerd who needs to see DVD special features on the big screen.

That’s right, Marvel is releasing an extended cut of Avengers: Endgame to theaters because the original runtime of all fucking day wasn’t quite long enough. That’s right Kevin Feige told comicbook.com that Endgame is headed back to theaters with the implicit threat that it’s just going to keep coming back until they get their record.

While attending the Spider-Man: Far From Home press junket in London, ComicBook.com’s Brandon Davis spoke exclusively with Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, who confirmed that Avengers: Endgame was heading back to the big screen for a theatrical re-release. Not only that, but this version of the film will arrive with extra scenes that weren’t included in the first theatrical release.

“We are doing that,” Feige said of an Endgame re-release with new footage. “I don’t know if it’s been announced. And I don’t know how much… Yeah, we’re doing it next weekend.”

At this point I would rather just watch the misogynist troll cut someone posted to the pirate websites over the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I think that endeavor was highly stupid even if the goal was just to make people mad about it, but it’s only 90 minutes long and the original theatrical cut ran so long that my son, who I hadn’t even conceived when I went into the theater, had a masters degree and resented me for missing all of his ballgames by the time it finished.

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Netflix Wants You to Believe 31 Million People Watched an Adam Sandler Movie

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Everyone Loves The Rock

The Rock has some words for you.

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‘Dark Phoenix’ Bombs at Box Office, Sends the ‘X-Men’ Out On a Giant Failure

Anyone who read comic books in the 1970s, 80s, 90s or 2000s probably remembers the X-Men being the biggest thing on the planet. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate how popular the X-Men were; the first issue of their second monthly comic, simply titled X-Men, in 1991 led to sales of over seven million copies, over twice as many as the infamous Death of Superman in Superman 75.

Out of all the stories to come out of this period, the most famous was The Phoenix Saga. The entire story ran for nearly four years, starting with longtime X-Man Marvel Girl developing new pyrokinetic powers and renaming herself Phoenix. Over the course of the story, Phoenix’s powers grew stronger and stronger, eventually leading the evil Hellfire Club to try and corrupt her, which ultimately ends up with Phoenix losing control of her mind and powers, leading to her death at the climax of what’s since come to be known as The Dark Phoenix Saga.

So beloved and fundamental to the X-Men is this story that virtually every adaptation of the comic in other media has included it in some form, including the X-Men film series. In fact, the X-Men films have adapted it twice, and both adaptations have turned out to be horrible. The first attempt was X-Men: The Last Stand, a terrible movie that tried to squeeze one of the most beloved stories in comic book history into a B-Plot and was closer to Grant Morrison’s New X-Men.

Since the storyline was so revered and the film so reviled, the rebooted X-Men franchise set out to tell it again and get it right this time. Probably would have been a good idea to do it before Hugh Jackman quit being Wolverine. Actually, almost anything they did would have been better, probably including not reshooting the ending because it felt too close to Captain Marvel, these movies are all basically the same anyway.

Dark Phoenix, which should be the big send-off to the X-Men franchise, adapting it’s biggest story before Marvel reboots it, has done so poorly that IndieWire said it had the worst second weekend for a superhero film ever. According to Box Office Mojo, it’s pulled in just $52 million domestically in two weekends. Rotten Tomatoes scores Dark Phoenix as the worst-reviewed X-Men film ever, even below the abysmal X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Even so, I don’t see Kevin Feige’s comments about having no plans for the X-Men now that the rights to the movies are back at Marvel Studios. I just don’t see a world in which one of the biggest studios in the world has their biggest property on a shelf somewhere while they’re busy working on bottom-of-the-barrel characters like Shang-Chi and Doctor Strange, neither of whom has been able to support a monthly comic in decades.

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Juul’ll Be Sorry: Sophie Turner Cried Because Someone Stole Her Vape Pen on the ‘Dark Phoenix’ Set

Sophie Turner basically can’t live without her Juul. She has it with her everywhere, even when she travels back in time to film Game of Thrones.

View this post on Instagram

The pack survived

A post shared by Sophie Turner (@sophiet) on

The rest of this story has a spoiler for Dark Phoenix, but I doubt anyone was going to see that anyway. I love the X-Men and I’m not going to see it because all the movies other than Logan and Deadpool have been really disappointing and with the Disney buy-out we know they’re going to completely relaunch the X-Men after this anyway.

Jimmy Kimmel had the cast of Dark Phoenix on to talk about the film ahead of its launch on Friday, and Jennifer Lawrence gave us an interesting look into Sophie Turner’s process.

During the course of the film, I’m assuming this happens pretty early on, Turner’s character Jean Grey, or Phoenix, kills Lawrence’s Mystique, as part of her losing control of her powers and her mind. They played this whole thing out really well in the comic books in the 70s with the Hellfire Club controlling her and twisting her mind as opposed to her just having her enemies surrender and then losing her shit and killing a million civilians for no reason.

It was an emotional scene, and Lawrence told everyone how Turner summoned up the emotion for the scene.

I teared up a little bit watching Sophie in that scene it was so, her reaction to my death was so raw and real. I died with my eyes open. And it was so honest and real, and it’s because she really was crying. Because her dialect coach, right before the take, took her Juul away. She started genuinely tearing up. It was like the performance of the year. It was amazing.

I have to admit, this is a much better acting process than sending dead rats to hot Australian women.

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