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Robert Pattinson is Batman, Just in Case You Still Thought Superhero Movies Were Cool

Hey, remember when vampires used to be awesome? They were these strong, scary, slightly homo-erotic creatures of the night who lived in giant castles surrounded by bats, and then Robert Pattinson came along and made them whiny  100-year-old virgins and Christian allegories with diamond skin. Robert Pattinson ruined vampires and also probably Kristen Stewart, who looked way hotter with long hair.

Now Pattinson is playing Batman, who is a strong, scary, slightly homo-erotic creature of the night who lives in giant mansion surrounded by bats and oh shit it’s happening again isn’t it? Batman is our coolest non-Wolverine superhero, we need to protect him from this kind of bullshit. I just have a feeling this movie to make us long for the dark seriousness of Adam West’s Batman or the rugged heterosexuality of Joel Schumacher’s Batman Forever.

Variety reports that the script of the movie isn’t even finished yet, so there’s plenty of time left to ruin it to match its star.

Warner Bros., in giving Reeves plenty of time to develop the script, is hoping the latest iteration of the DC icon is done right, following the disappointments of “Batman v Superman” and “Justice League.”

And yet they cast Robert Pattinson as Batman.

No word on if Joe Manganiello will show up as Deathstroke the Terminator in this outing, but I wouldn’t count on it. Can you see a world where Robert Pattinson  slugs it out with Joe Manganiello and wins? They could have just done a Batman TV show on the CW instead of this, and avoided the potential controversy with Ruby Rose.

The post Robert Pattinson is Batman, Just in Case You Still Thought Superhero Movies Were Cool appeared first on The Blemish.

James Gunn Has Given His First Interview About Being Fired and Rehired By Disney

If you’re anything like me, after Disney reversed course on its very bad decision to fire James Gunn, you really wanted to know what the hell happened. Gunn kept his head down, stayed silent and even took a job doing Suicide Squad 2 for the Distinguished Competition, which probably gave Disney the room to hire him back, but it still left us without the details of what happened.

But now Gunn has given an interview to Deadline and he let us in on all the behind-the-scenes drama.

That first day… I’m going to say it was the most intense of my entire life. There have been other difficult days in my life, from the time I got sober when I was younger, to the death of friends who committed suicide. But this was incredibly intense. It happened, and suddenly it seemed like everything was gone. I just knew, in a moment that happened incredibly quickly, I had been fired. It felt as if my career was over.

Yeah, it was really crazy. I feel like if anyone at Disney had actually slowed down for a minute the outrage would have blown over and they could have gotten the movie out on schedule. I mean, has anyone made good on their boycott threats over Gunn’s jokes? Avengers: Endgame is the first Marvel movie released since Gunn was hired back and that has been raking in money hand over fist all over the world.

It doesn’t hurt that everyone in the world who isn’t a total moron dickbag wanted Gunn back.

And then came this outpouring of real love. From my girlfriend Jen; my producer and my agents; Chris Pratt calling me and freaking out; Zoe Saldana and Karen Gillan, all calling and crying. Sylvester Stallone FaceTime-ing me. And, of course, Dave Bautista, who came out so strong. That amount of love that I felt from my friends, my family, and the people in the community was absolutely overwhelming.

This is actually kind of heartwarming.

The studios, for the most part, said, “We’d love to have you.” They called within the first two days. But I didn’t believe it. That’s the thing that I have to be honest about. On some theoretical level, I was like, “Well, maybe I do have a future.”

All of Marvel’s movies are modeled after Guardians of the Galaxy now. All of them. The biggest movie franchise in the history of the world has one mode, and that mode is “do what James Gunn did” so of course studios were beating his door down the second he was a free agent.

I just hope people are as kind to me when someone finds all the dumb shit I say on this website and gets me fired from whatever job I’m doing.

The post James Gunn Has Given His First Interview About Being Fired and Rehired By Disney appeared first on The Blemish.

More Bad News, Wine Moms: The ‘Game of Thrones’ Showrunners Are Making the Next ‘Star Wars’ Movie

Just a few days after D.B. Weiss and David Benioff made a bunch of people really regret naming their daughter Khaleesi, Disney has announced that it’s their Star Wars movie that will be hitting screens in 2022.

Here’s what Bob Iger said at the MoffettNathanson Media and Communications Summit, via The Wrap:

“We’re not going to wait until nine is out to start figuring it out, we’re actually hard at work doing that now,” Iger said when asked about the future of the “Star Wars” franchise. “We did a deal with David Benioff and Dan Weiss, who are famous for ‘Game of Thrones’ and the next movie that we release will be theirs, and we’re not saying anything more about that.”

Remember when they announced that they were letting Rian Johnson do a whole Star Wars trilogy? That is never going to happen. I mean, maybe he gets to do some Mon Mothma: The Early Years trilogy or something, but there’s no way they’re putting the guy who imploded the plot of their franchise in charge of anything of consequential.

Benioff and Weiss, meanwhile, are going to be shaping the future of the franchise here.

I’d also like to mention here that Disney announced Star Wars was “going on hiatus” after The Rise of Skywalker and the next movie in the franchise comes out three years later. The original Star Wars movies had a three year gap between each film in the trilogy, and now that’s a hiatus. That’s how Disney looks at movie franchises. They are going to run all of this shit into the ground. They are going to pump these movies out until you’re just sick of them and then they’re going to pump them out for another five years. And by then they’ll have bought something else you love that they can pump out three movies for a year. I’m shocked they haven’t bought Harry Potter yet, honestly.

The post More Bad News, Wine Moms: The ‘Game of Thrones’ Showrunners Are Making the Next ‘Star Wars’ Movie appeared first on The Blemish.

Disney Released 10 Years of Movie Release Dates, Hope You Want to See the Same Shit For the Next Decade

Christmas came early today for all the people who like watching the same three movies every year for the rest of time because Disney just released their theatrical release calendar for the next ten years. Here’s a hint for you; they’ve filled an entire decade with all the same shit they’re doing now.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The first thing is that they’re still pretending that they’re going to release The New Mutants, an X-Men spin-off set in the continuity of the old films that Dark Phoenix will close the door on. The Maisie Williams film was supposed to debut before Dark Phoenix but it keeps getting pushed back because it desperately needs reshoots that Disney isn’t going to pay for, so while I’m sure they’d like to release it to try to make back some of their production budget, they’re probably going to dump it on Hulu, which is the smart thing. Releasing a bad movie based on good characters can really cause problems for the property. Just look at Green Lantern; Green Lantern was DC’s top selling comic for the better part of a decade and their film division basically considers it toxic. Marvel probably doesn’t want that to happen with a group of characters who could end up being the core of an X-Men or X-Force movie.

If you’re a fan of Untitled Marvel, your cup runneth over. This appears eight times on the schedule, all in the next three years. And that’s not even counting Spider-Man: Far From Home, which comes out this summer. It seems like that Black Widow film is still on the production slate, and is actually filming right now, as one intrepid Twitter user caught ScarJo filming a Marvel movie in his back yard.

Though he later added someone told him this was Morbius, which is produced by Sony, not Black Widow.

Do people really want to see a prequel film about a character they’ve already killed off? Who cares.

All those “Untitled Disney Live Action” films could be anything, but I’m going with the assumption they’re all live action remakes of Disney cartoons. If you really think about it, that’s  probably way more likely to be correct than Disney actually making something new, and I can honestly see them cranking four of those pieces of shit out a year.

Indiana Jones is back on the schedule, think Shia LaBeouf will be in that one? I actually liked the last Indiana Jones movie, so you can all bite me. There’s also a Bob’s Burgers movie on the schedule, which will really cement its place as “The Simpsons but still good.”

Finally, there’s going to be another new Star Wars or Avatar movie every year starting in 2021 until about when the sun goes red giant and engulfs the Earth. And Rian Johnson won’t be directing any of them.

The post Disney Released 10 Years of Movie Release Dates, Hope You Want to See the Same Shit For the Next Decade appeared first on The Blemish.

‘Avengers: Endgame’ is on Track to be the Highest-Grossing Film Ever

Avengers: Endgame has been in theaters for almost two weeks and it’s the second-highest grossing film of all-time, passing Titanic and looking right at the record held by another James Cameron movie, Avatar. Yes, roughly all the world has seen Endgame, which has to date pulled in $2.18 billion worldwide.

But here’s the thing: only four movies in the top 50 highest-grossing released before the year 2000, and all of them are from the 90s. E.T. is the only movie from the 80s in the top 100 at number 83 and Star Wars is the only film from the 70s at number 90.

You’re going to hear a lot about how Avengers: Endgame is the highest-grossing film of all time when it happens, but what does that really mean? Ticket prices have doubled since Titanic was in theaters and the worldwide market is more robust now that it ever has been, especially with China now being a major driver of ticket sales.

But if you really look at the top 100 list, this is just something that inevitably happens once a decade because of ticket price inflation. In 1977, Star Wars was the highest-grossing film of all time. Then about every ten years, a new blockbuster came along and took the top spot. That’s just going to keep happening, and ten years from now we’re going to watch as some Chinese movie blows past Endgame on the all-time box office list.

Adjusted for inflation, Endgame is 42nd in domestic box office. That is, like the film itself, good, but not great. It’s at roughly a third of Gone with the Wind and Star Wars‘ adjusted gross. As I’m writing this, it hasn’t outperformed the very first Spider-Man with Tobey Maguire or Ghostbusters. The good Ghostbusters, not the terrible Paul Feig abortion.

Basically, what I’m saying is that the unadjusted gross is a pointless statistic that only tells you how many yachts studio heads can buy their mistresses. And when your most annoying friend starts going “Yeah, well, Endgame is the highest-grossing movie of all time, unlike that bullshit you watch like Bullit and Annie Hall or whatever,” Just remind them that way more people saw The Phantom Menace than Endgame, and that movie is worse than The Last Jedi.

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Sony Forgot the Soundtrack in the New Men In ‘Black: International’ Trailer

The post Sony Forgot the Soundtrack in the New Men In ‘Black: International’ Trailer appeared first on The Blemish.

Avengers Endgame Reviews: A Fitting End to the Saga?

We're not sure if you've heard, but Avengers: Endgame is now ready for your viewing pleasure.

The concluding saga in this Marvel Cinematic Universe journey, the film will bring together ALL your favorite characters and actors and actresses and pretty much everything you have loved about all these Avengers.

But will you actually love the blockbuster itself?

We've collected a number of Avengers: Endgame reviews down below in order to help you decide whether the movie is worth attending.

(Just kidding: We know you'll be going no matter what. But you must be curious to see what the professionals are saying, right?)

1. Chris Hewitt, Minneapolis Star Tribune

Chris hewitt minneapolis star tribune
It's an episodic movie, so it shines in parts, rather than as a whole, but there are plenty of good parts.

2. Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Peter travers rolling stone
The MCU's long goodbye to the Avengers (is it really?) comes off as truly epic and thunderously exciting. But here's the big surprise-it's also an emotional wipeout

3. James Berardinelli, ReelViews

James berardinelli reelviews
Avengers: Endgame isn't as brash, surprising, or relentless as its predecessor but it's a worthy conclusion to the Infinity War duology and provides a satisfying end to the First Avengers Era.

4. Jake Wilson, The Age (Australia)

Jake wilson the age australia
For young adults who have literally grown up with these movies, the experience may be emotionally overwhelming.

5. Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times

Richard roeper chicago sun times
The Motion Picture Academy never recognizes great acting if it comes attached to a costume or a cape. That doesn't mean Downey isn't deserving of an Oscar. It's great acting in a great film.

6. Kim Newman, Sight and Sound

Kim newman sight and sound
The last-reel battle pretty much has to be the most satisfying superhero movie set piece of all time, delivering the multiple closures this long-in-the-telling saga needs.
View Slideshow

Now That Disney Owns All of Entertainment, They’re Trying to Ruin It

After successfully merging with Fox, Disney is basically the largest entertainment company in the world, they have a virtual monopoly on television and movies. So what does the world look like with Disney in control of most of what we watch?

Well, first of all, Disney doesn’t let repertory theaters play their movies. The “Disney Vault” doesn’t just apply to home video, there are no public screenings of any of their old films, either. And it looks like this policy now applies to the Fox library as well.

Repertory theaters have a big place in our culture. Just as an example, Rocky Horror Picture Show is probably best known for being a staple of midnight matinees where people went in costume and sang along at theaters that had weekly screenings for years or even decades.

Sean, who is a great journalist, also brings up another really good point in the tweet directly after this one.

Sometimes things are “problematic” or dated because movies and television are products of their time. They show us the world the way people saw it, and they’re basically historical artifacts. Sometimes that look might make us uncomfortable, but it’s an important window and it’s important to have art that challenges us and makes us uncomfortable.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t you? Via The Hollywood Reporter:

But even some of those green lights are being met with scrutiny. One source says Horn is questioning the apparent plan to have young characters smoking onscreen in West Side Story. “With Fox, we can make movies that right now I say no to. … We always have to think about the smoking policy. The audience for a Disney movie may not know what they are going to see, but they know what they aren’t going to see,” the exec said in a recent interview with THR. “There are certain things we just can’t include because we’ll get letters.”

Awesome, we can’t show gang members smoking in the 50s, people might get the wrong idea. There’s also this:

There are no plans to make Song of the South available on the $7-per-month offering.

Disney really has it in for Song of the South. It’s because they’re making a bold, moral stance, right Bob Iger?

it wouldn’t be in the best interest of our shareholders to bring it back

Yeah, I thought so. But at least you and the shareholders are taking care of your employees, right? Let’s ask Abigail Disney, daughter of Walt Disney’s brother and partner Roy Disney. Here’s what she said in the Washington Post.

I had to speak out about the naked indecency of chief executive Robert Iger’s pay. According to Equilar, Iger took home more than $65 million in 2018. That’s 1,424 times the median pay of a Disney worker. To put that gap in context, in 1978, the average CEO made about 30 times a typical worker’s salary. Since 1978, CEO pay has grown by 937 percent, while the pay of an average worker grew just 11.2 percent.

I mean, that’s not great, but it’s not like they were spending money that could have gone to employee salaries to keep employee salaries low, right?

Disney has pushed back by noting that it pays more than the $7.25 federal minimum wage. This argument fails to acknowledge that the cost of living varies from place to place and few can make do on that, no matter where they live. It also fails to recognize that the company worked quietly to try to defeat a ballot initiative to lift the minimum wage paid by certain employers to $15 an hour in Anaheim, Calif., which passed this past November.

Okay then. Disney owns roughly 50% of movies made in the US and almost all the content on two of the four major broadcast networks. They use that power to keep theaters from showing classic films, something that could very well mean the end of repertory theaters, because they want people to see their new movies instead. They’re censoring old and new movies to meet some “family friendly” standard that maximizes profits. They’ve fought to make copyright law in this country a draconian nightmare and now they’re campaigning to make income inequality worse.

But hey, maybe Wolverine will be in the next Avengers movie and that will make all of this worth it.

The post Now That Disney Owns All of Entertainment, They’re Trying to Ruin It appeared first on The Blemish.

Before ‘Avengers: Endgame’, Here’s Thanos’ Ass

The post Before ‘Avengers: Endgame’, Here’s Thanos’ Ass appeared first on The Blemish.

Chucky Is Now a Rogue Smart Home 🔪

Scarier: A doll with the soul of a serial killer or Buddi the sentient Alexa?

The post Chucky Is Now a Rogue Smart Home 🔪 appeared first on The Blemish.

‘Star Wars’ Keeps Hinting That Rey Is a Skywalker

If you’ve watched all the Star Wars movies, you’ve probably figured out that Rey is most likely Luke Skywalker’s long-lost daughter. This has pretty much been the theory since people saw Episode VII, but Rian Johnson seemed to nix it by having Kylo Ren talk about how Rey’s parents were nobodies and everyone spent the whole movie talking about how any Star Wars movie not made by Rian Johnson was stupid bullshit.

Then the trailer for Episode IX landed a few days ago.

Hey, the Emperor is back! I wonder if it’s a bigger, better Emperor like the Not Death Star from Episode VII. Like a giant sith Kaiju. MechaSheev. And Rey has Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber. And the movie is called The Rise of Skywalker. All the Skywalkers are dead. Luke is dead, Leia is dead, Anakin is dead, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru aren’t even Skywalkers but they’re so dead. Rey’s alive though. And suspiciously lacking in the last name department.

She also had a weird connection to Kylo Ren, AKA Ben Solo, and wanted to redeem him. Why was that?

Well, here are some Star Wars headlines from the past two days.

J.J. Abrams On Rey’s Parents: “There’s More to the Story” in ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ – Slashfilm

Luke Skywalker Didn’t Die A Virgin According to Mark Hamill – ScreenRant

I can do basic math here. 1 + 1 + 1 = J. J. Abrams is going to make Rey a Skywalker.

I know what you’re thinking. “Rey and Kylo Ren had some weird, pychosexual relationship in Episode VIII, wouldn’t it be really weird and uncomfortable for them to turn out to be cousins?” And yeah, it would, but Luke full-on frenched Leia in Empire and then when Obi-Wan said he had a sister he was immediately like “Leia must be my sister, I could tell the whole time.”

“But surely the writers of a billion-dollar film franchise aren’t just flying by the seat of their pants and making shit up as they go.” Have you seen Star Wars? For starters, it’s entirely clear that Darth Vader was meant to be his name. Lucas didn’t even know what a parsec was. And when he did sit down and put thought into planning a full trilogy of movies, we got midi-chlorians and six hours of trade route disputes on Space C-Span. S-Span.

Oh yeah, the midi-chlorians. You almost forgot about those, didn’t you? For Rey to be as strong in the force as she is, she’d have to have an astronomically high midi-chlorian count, because that’s how Star Wars works now. The things that makes you a destined hero is basically Space Kung Fu Eugenics. And it’s really only Skywalkers who have all those midi-chlorians.

Keep in mind that I don’t want this to be how the story plays ou, and I don’t feel like I’m particularly clever for putting these things together. If anything I’m annoyed that Disney bought Star Wars and has been pathologically unable to put out anything even coming close to a good movie, instead settling for “not as bad as The Phantom Menace” which is a bar I’ve seen cleared by movies that ended up on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Billy Dee Williams is back, though, so that’s pretty cool.

The post ‘Star Wars’ Keeps Hinting That Rey Is a Skywalker appeared first on The Blemish.

Movie Adaptation of ‘Cats’ to Feature Cat-Sized Humans, Give Audience Nightmares For Life

Cats is terrible. And when I say it’s terrible, I mean it’s uniquely terrible even among musicals. All musicals are terrible, except for Little Shop of Horrors and West Side Story, but Cats takes the cake, and the cake is one of those cakes that looks like a litter box but then turns out to have actual cat shit on it. And the thing about Cats is that everyone knows it’s terrible; the last season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt had an episode about how it turned out to be fake and just starred people who jumped on stage from the audience because who would actually make that play?

Well, Hollywood is making a feature film based on this terrible Broadway play that everyone hates because why not, we need something to put on screens between Marvel movies. And this movie is going to scale the stars down to cat-size, finally showing everyone how horrifying the idea of anthropomorphic cats the size of cats actually is.

Via The Guardian:

The footage showed actors wearing not tights and whiskers but full-body motion-capture suits as well as VFX dots on their faces, which suggests their performances will be heavily modified by CGI. The video revealed that virtual cat hair will then be stuck on, with the use of “digital fur technology to create the most perfect covering of fur”.

The video also showed that furniture and props were scaled up so that the actors would appear to be the size of actual cats, adding – suggested the producers – a sense of both realism and childlike magic.

Yeah, okay, like The Lion King, right? No, they’re dancing. Cats don’t dance. They even made a whole movie about the extent to which cats dance, which is zero.

Here’s what’s going to happen. They’re going to have movie stars on two legs CGIed to look like humanoid cats, but not the sexy anime body pillow kind. The cat-sized kind. And since they’re getting major stars like Ian McKellan, Judy Dench and Taylor Swift, they’re going to show their faces. probably covered in fur, but instead of a cat face, that tiny Jellicle is going to have Taylor Swift’s face. I’m already having nightmares about this. My cat is sleeping next to me while I’m writing this and I’ve told him in no uncertain terms he better not start to look like Judy Dench and start dancing.

The post Movie Adaptation of ‘Cats’ to Feature Cat-Sized Humans, Give Audience Nightmares For Life appeared first on The Blemish.

Matthew McConaughey Rapped for 13 Hours Straight After Snoop Dogg Got Him High

Something you need to know about making a movie with Snoop Dogg is that the fake movie set weed he’s giving you isn’t fake. You would think everyone would know that. Snoop Dogg isn’t smoking oregano. That dude is high all the time, why the hell would he have fake weed? That stuff is probably harsher for him than actual weed at this point. Page Six reports Matthew McConaughey learned this the hard way.

“I show up that night. I know the scene, so I talk to the prop guy on set. I said, ‘Look, I got my prop joints.’ Which are oregano. I talk to Snoop. I say, ‘These are my prop joints. Oregano.’ So all of a sudden we do the scene and it’s about an eight-minute take, it’s a long take if you’re passing a joint back and forth and you’re smoking hardcore to the heels of your feet. So the scene goes on and right after the scene I just feel like, ‘Man, I’m not sure that was a prop.’ And Snoop goes, ‘Yo, Moondog, that wasn’t prop weed, that was Snoop weed.’ I said, ‘Okay, man! Buckle up because here we go.’”

That’s a little Bill Cosby right there. Luckily, all that happened was a little rap. Unlike with Cosby. ‘E’ is an important letter.

“I didn’t say another word of English, really, the rest of the night,” McConaughey said. “You said I rapped a lot.”

“You rapped for 13 hours straight,” Snoop said with a smirk.

I can’t think of anything worse than listening to Matthew McConaughey rap for 13 hours about how relaxed he is. At least when Snoop hangs out with Martha Stewart she bakes. Can you imagine getting high with Snoop and eating food baked by Martha Stewart? The only thing that could ruin that is 13 hours of Matthew McConaughey rapping.

The post Matthew McConaughey Rapped for 13 Hours Straight After Snoop Dogg Got Him High appeared first on The Blemish.

Angelina Jolie Could be in Marvel’s ‘Eternals’, So What are the ‘Eternals’?

As Marvel heads into the post-Thanos chapter of their cinematic universe, they’re looking to give one of their upcoming films a boost with the star power of Angelina Jolie, which seems like a good idea until she adopts Rocket Raccoon and baby Groot or starts walking around with a vial of Chris Pratt’s blood around her neck. How did she even get it? Chris says he didn’t give it to her. Nonetheless, Variety reports that Marvel is in talks with Jolie about a role in their upcoming Eternals film.

Details about the movie and what character Jolie would play are being kept under wraps. Created by Jack Kirby in 1976, the story of “The Eternals” is set millions of years ago when the cosmic beings known as the Celestials genetically experimented on humans to create super-powered individuals known as the Eternals along with the villainous Deviants.

We’ll get to who and what the Eternals are in a second, because I need to wrap my head around why Marvel is moving forward with this movie at all after the Fox merger. You have the X-Men and the Fantastic Four now, you don’t have to keep doing movies based on comics that have published less than one issue per year since their creation that no one has thought about for even a second in the past decade. The one upshot to Disney having the final say on every facet of entertainment was supposed to be that we finally get good X-Men movies other than Logan and Deadpool. I wouldn’t have to do an explainer on who the X-Men are because they’re one of the most recognizable brands in comics.

The Eternals are basically proof that even a true genius of the medium of comic books like Jack “King” Kirby can’t bat 1000 and that even Neil Gaiman can’t salvage every lame comic book character from the golden and silver age. Kirby returned to Marvel and basically tried to pick up where he left off with The New Gods at DC, but ultimately failed to create characters as memorable as Darkseid and Mister Miracle.

But who are they? Well, we’ve already met one Eternal in the Marvel Cinematic Universe: Thanos. He probably won’t be in the Eternals film because he wasn’t one of the characters created in it by Kirby, he just got tossed in with them at some point after the fact. The basic idea of the book is that all the mythological gods on Earth like the greek gods, the gods of the Inca Empire, Atlantis, etc. were all based on the epic battles of the immortal Eternals and their enemies the Deviants and that they, along with humans, were created by the Celestials. We’ve already met a Celestian, as well, Peter Quill’s father in Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 was one.

So yeah, they’re probably going to go with Gaiman’s story, because they can flash a big credit on screen that says “Based on a story by Neil Gaiman.”

The main character was Ikaris, who could fly and you get where this is all going right? There’s basically nothing salvageable in this book, which lasted 20 issues. Ikaris’s alter ego is Ike Harris. That’s like Clark Kent changing his name to Sue Perman. Neil Gaiman tried his hand at fixing things, starting after most of the Eternals had their memories erased by fellow Eternal Sprite, an immortal 11-year-old who was mad that an Eternal called Sersi wouldn’t sleep with him even though she’s a huge slut. Angelina Jolie will probably play Sersi.

Oh, and there’s an Eternal called Makkari who goes by Mark Curry. Remember when everyone thought it was so cool that Thor used all of Kirby’s (admittedly awesome) character and costume designs instead of trying to downplay their comic book roots? Well, not every idea he had was as good as The Warriors Three’s costumes.

So yeah, they’re probably going to go with Gaiman’s story, because they can flash a big credit on screen that says “Based on a story by Neil Gaiman.” The only problem is all the conflict in that story is based around an immortal little kid trying to age few years so he can get his dick wet.

Although we did get this possible synopsis from That Hashtag Show last year that pointed in trying to salvage Kirby’s original story, which features 100% fewer evil horny 11-year-olds and therefore seems like a much safer bet for Disney.

The story of ‘THE ETERNALS’ is set millions of years ago when the cosmic beings known as the Celestials genetically experimented on humans, creating the super-powered individuals as well as more villainous off-shoots known as Deviants. The two groups went on to battle each other throughout history to see which would eventually become the ultimate race. The story involves the love story between Ikaris, a man fueled by cosmic energy, and Sersi, who relishes moving amongst humans.

Marvel really wanted to push the Inhumans and later the Eternals as replacements for the X-Men, but there’s no replacing the X-Men. Also, again, you own the X-Men now. Just make an X-Men movie. You don’t need to keep proving you can make a billion dollars on any concept as long as you play the Marvel fanfare at the beginning; you’re allowed to make movies with characters people like now. Also, drop the “The.” Be cool like Gilmore Girls or Pixies.

The post Angelina Jolie Could be in Marvel’s ‘Eternals’, So What are the ‘Eternals’? appeared first on The Blemish.

Why is ‘Avengers: Endgame’ 3 Hours Long? Has God Truly Abandoned Us?

Avengers: Endgame is coming to theaters on April 26 and by all accounts you’re going to be in that theater until the sun goes red giant and engulfs the Earth because this movie is going to be over three hours long. Seriously. AMC Theaters briefly had the 182 minute runtime on their website and it was tweeted by Fandango as well.

What fresh hell is this? Keep in mind that this is just the second part of the last movie which ended at the all is lost moment, which is sort of towards the end of act two structurally. All that’s left is the Dark Night of the Soul, the Break Into Three and the Finale. How do I know that’s how it’s going to be structured? Because there have been 20 Marvel movies and every one of them has followed Blake Snyder’s beat sheet from Save the Cat! basically to the minute and they fired Edgar Wright from Ant-Man basically because a group of comic book writers thought he wasn’t following it closely enough.

Actually, I might be wrong, because if you consider Avengers: Infinity War to be a movie about Thanos and not The Avengers then it actually follows Snyder’s beat sheet to the letter as well. So I guess the set-up to Endgame is half the world is dead and the catalyst will be some way to change it and we’re going to have to go on the whole hero’s journey again because they think they can top “Thanos killed half the population of the universe” as an all is lost moment.

Is this runtime good news to anyone, though? Did any one of you see that Endgame is going to be three hours long and go “Awesome!” and not “ugh”?

And that’s not to say that long movies are bad. Kill Bill is somewhere in the neighborhood of four hours long and it is great from start to finish. It’s actually better as a single four-hour movie than two separate movies because of the way Tarantino front-loads the action in his films and uses the back half for slower plot resolution. As two movies, Kill Bill is the best action movie ever made and Kill Bill 2 is a long soliloquy from David Carradine. The Hateful Eight also has a runtime of 187 minutes, but there isn’t a single second that’s wasted. Does anyone think Endgame will play out similarly? I sure don’t.

Not that I think Endgame is going to be a bad movie; Marvel’s films are so formulaic (and I showed you the formula) that they basically run the gamut from “just okay” to “good but not great.” If you were giving them letter grades, they all fall somewhere between a B- and a B+. I’m sure it’ll be fine, but a three hour run time for a popcorn flick is just… indulgent. Ask DC.

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Cardi B is Going to Show Off her Acting Chops by Playing a Stripper in a Movie

Cardi B has basically conquered the world of music by becoming the best rapper in the world, so now she’s going into acting. She’s going to really stretch her acting muscles by playing a stripper. Jennifer Lopez made the announcement on her Instagram feed, which seems weird, usually these things come out in the trades.

This movie is going to be something to see, I think. It’s called The Hustlers at Scores and it’s based on a true story about a group of strippers who decided that they’re better than their clients so they decide to drug and rob them of tens of thousands of dollars. They also hired prostitutes to work for them because they were too good to sleep with the guys they were robbing. It’s seriously such a funny story, here’s a quote from one of the women offended at the idea that the idea to drug and rob men wasn’t their own, from the New York Magazine article that the movie is based on.

And although Rosie maintains that the group would occasionally swipe credit cards through Scores’ funny-money machine, she rejects the suggestion, made by some, that anyone at Scores was the driving force behind the scheme. “Nobody put us up to anything!” she snapped at me when I suggested it. “We are strong women who don’t fucking take shit from nobody.”

Oh, and this one.

Samantha had a soft spot for ex-strippers with problems — not the kind of girls Rosie trusted. “When I’m doing business with somebody, I want stand-up people, not junkies and criminals,” she told me. “People that have morals and principles.”

Bitch, you’re a criminal. You’re a pimp and thief. I think Cardi B is going to be great in this, she’s got the perfect attitude to play a stripper who robs people while also thinking she’s way better than everyone else.

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Disney Finally Pulled Their Collective Head Out of Their Ass and Rehired James Gunn for ‘Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3’

I know it may be hard to believe, but there’s something that Disney values more than their “family friendly image” and that thing is money. And they were set to lose hundreds of millions if they moved ahead with Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3 without James Gunn. So after months of insisting that James Gunn would never be rehired for Guardians, Disney rehired James Gunn for Guardians.

Here’s a brief timeline of what happened with Gunn’s firing. Over a decade ago when he was working at Troma films, Gunn made a bunch of really edgy jokes about pedophilia and rape. Some of them were really funny, some of them didn’t really land. No one cared. Then Roseanne Barr got fired and a right-wing dipshit named Mike Cernovich dug up Gunn’s tweets because he was mad about Barr’s firing and also about his tiny penis and the fact that he talks like Barry Kripke from The Big Bang Theory. Disney almost immediately fired Gunn and publicly refused to back down despite the entire cast of Guardians of the Galaxy calling for him to be reinstated. Then they decided they liked money more than making the dumbest people on Twitter happy and reinstated him.

Deadline broke the story, and here’s the really interesting bit.

The decision to rehire Gunn –he was fired last July by Disney after alt-right journalists made public a fusillade of decade old social media missives that made light of pedophilia and rape — was one that was mulled and actually made months ago, following conversations with Disney studio leadership and the team at Marvel Studios. Why the change of heart? After the firing, Walt Disney Studios chairman Alan Horn met with Gunn on multiple occasions to discuss the situation. Persuaded by Gunn’s public apology and his handling of the situation after, Horn decided to reverse course and reinstate Gunn.

Guys, when you do something good you don’t have to keep it secret.

Gunn posted a message on Twitter after the news broke, his first tweet since he was fired last July.

A presidential candidate also weighed in Gunn’s rehiring.

I mean, not one you’ve heard of, but Andrew Yang is doing surprisingly well and has collected enough individual donations to take part in the first Democratic debate.

The bottom line here is that this is the first good thing Disney has done since they announced their merger with Fox. It even almost makes up for Captain Marvel being a two-hour commercial for the Air Force.

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J.K. Rowling Reiterates How Gay Dumbledore Is and How She Plans To Never Show That in any ‘Harry Potter’ Work

J.K. Rowling wants you to know that Dumbledore is gay. What she doesn’t want to do is write him as a gay character in any piece of media she’s written for the Harry Potter series. Even when his romantic and sexual relationship with a man forms the core of an entire movie, Rowling wants to not show it in any way and then talk about how important it is on the commentary track.

Here’s what Rowling said, via Vanity Fair:

“It was passionate, and it was a love relationship,” she said of the characters (played on-screen by Jude Law and Johnny Depp). “But as happens in any relationship, gay or straight or whatever label we want to put on it, one never knows really what the other person is feeling. You can’t know, you can believe you know.”

She added that she personally was “less interested in the sexual side, though I believe there is a sexual dimension to this relationship, than I am in the sense of the emotions they felt for each other, which ultimately is the most fascinating thing about all human relationships.”

I don’t know why Rowling keeps doing this, but at this point it feels almost pathological. She wants to be so progressive and have everyone praise her for how diverse her books are, but she doesn’t actually write diverse books. If she’s so interested in the emotional relationship between Dumbledore and Grindelwald, why doesn’t she explore that in the two hours and thirteen minutes that The Crimes of Grindelwald ran for?

I’ll tell you why: money. See, there’s still a stigma around having gay characters in children’s books and movies (though judging by Twitter the average Harry Potter reader is a 42-year-old white woman who just drank half a bottle of pumpkin spice merlot) so Rowling doesn’t want to actually have a gay character in her series. But gay people have money too and want representation, so if she just tells hem that Harry Potter is full of gay characters who are running around being gay just off page, maybe she can get their money, too.

What’s surprising is she’s kept this grift up for so long. It’s been like a decade of Rowling telling us how gay Dumbledore is while writing movies where he is not in any way gay. That’s even longer than The Simpsons made gay jokes about SMithers while insisting he wasn’t gay in interviews.

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Mel Gibson and His Beard Are Back in Debut Trailer for ‘The Professor and the Madman’ (VIDEO)

 

When you hear that Mel Gibson is appearing in a film in 2019 titled The Professor and the Madman, and he’ll once again be sporting his now famous Rutherford B. Hayes beard, you would likely assume he’s playing the madman part of that equation. Not so. The Madman in this particular equation is an equally ridiculously bearded Sean Penn.

The film is an adaptation of the book “The Surgeon of Crowthorne,” which Gibson optioned back in the 90s with the intention of turning it into a film. Twenty-plus years later, Gibson is no longer behind the camera, but he is in front of it playing James Murray, the man tasked with compiling all of the words for the first Oxford English Dictionary. While compiling this tome, he receives thousands of entries from an imprisoned doctor named William Chester Minor (Penn), setting off an unlikely partnership that defined one of the most important books ever written.

I know it doesn’t sound terribly exciting and the teaming of Gibson and Penn well past their prime doesn’t quite have the same punch it might have had if Gibson had gotten this off the ground in the 90s, but it is a fascinating true story. It’s also hard to ignore that despite their public personas, Gibson and Penn are both good actors, so there may be some blood in this stone.

The Professor and the Madman does not yet have a North American release date, but it begins rolling out in several foreign markets this week.

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Idris Elba Joins James Gunn’s ‘Suicide Squad’ Plus Rumored New Characters

Will Smith is out of Suicide Squad 2 but his character, Deadshot, is still in the film. He’s now being played by Don Cheadle.

Okay, that was a satirical headline based on how he came into Iron Man 2. Variety has reported that it’s actually Idris Elba, the sexy man most famous for being the person your most annoying friend suggests every time there’s speculation about Daniel Craig retiring as James Bond.

Alongside that news, Collider also dropped a rumored list of new characters and it sounds terrible. Mostly. There’s a bright spot.

King Shark is a fucking shark. And he’s awesome.

The other rumored new characters, Ratcatcher, Polka-Dot Man and Peacemaker, are terrible. Ratcatcher controls rats, Polka-Dot Man looks like a loaf of  Wonder Bread and Peacemaker is, and I’m not making any of this up, every word of this is true, is the mentally ill son of a Nazi concentration camp commander who kills people in the name of pacifism and non-violence. The Comedian in Watchmen was based on him and Collider says Gunn is eyeing Dave Bautista to play him. Still, these are terrible characters and unless this rumor turns out to be a hoax, Gunn has a lot of work ahead of him.

I know what you’re typing into the comment box without having read the article already, so chill out. “Didn’t James Gunn make Rocket Raccoon and Groot cool? They’re a talking racoon and a tree, have some faith!”

Well, no, James Gunn didn’t make Rocket and Groot cool. Those characters were mostly fully-formed by Keith Giffen, Dan Abnett and Andy Lanning in the 2006 comic Annihilation and its 2008 follow-up Guardians of the Galaxy series.

Also, let’s be realistic, Marvel probably never would have made Guardians of the Galaxy if they had the rights to make X-Men and Fantastic Four. There are lots of better choices for DC here. They can use any villain in the entire DC canon, and they chose a guy who has the power of having polka-dots. I think getting fired by Disney gave James Gunn a complex and he’s overcompensating. “Fire me, will you Bob Iger? I’m gonna make a billion dollars for Warner Brothers with the absolute dumbest super-villains I can think of. And King Shark, that guy rules.”

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Idris Elba Doesn’t Even Want to be James Bond

We have been hearing for years that, for some reason, Idris Elba should be James Bond. Personally, I’ve never gotten where it came from. Idris is a great actor, but have you ever seen him in something that made you think “Oh, wow, this guy would be a great James Bond!” I swear to god if you say Luther… Bond is a suave superspy, not a streetwise grizzled cop. The only thing Idris Elba has that makes him like James Bond is that he’s British.

Which is not to say Idris Elba would be a bad James Bond or I don’t think he should do it, I just think the only way to arrive at the idea that Idris Elba should play James Bond is if you start at “who is both British and black?” Chadwick Boseman is closer to James Bond in the first two acts of Black Panther when it’s still good than anything I’ve ever seen Idris Elba in, and he isn’t even British.

You know who someone should have talked to before everyone started yelling at each other about if Idris Elba should be Bond or not? Idris Elba. Because Elba told The Daily Mail that he doesn’t even want the job.

Today, Elba seems keen to distance himself from the intense speculation. ‘Bond is one of the biggest franchises in the world, and for that reason, whoever ends up playing it, lives it. You’re THAT character, and known as that character for many, many years. I’m creating characters now that can still live alongside Idris. Not ones that take over me and solely define me.’

It sounds as categorical a denial of the rumours as he’s ever given. He tells me he’s more excited about another action role – more anti-hero than hero. ‘The Hobbs And Shaw character Brixton Lore is brilliant. Awesome. I’d love to see that franchise up and running, but it wouldn’t define me,’ he says adamantly.

So there you go. Idris Elba isn’t going to be James Bond because Idris Elba doesn’t want to be James Bond. Also because he’s racist, which I’ve been told by Twitter is the only reason not to want Idris Elba to be Bond.

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Steven Spielberg, Ava DuVernay Clash On Netflix Oscar Eligibility

I watched a British TV show over the weekend called Upstart Crow. It stars David Mitchell, from The Mitchell and Webb Look, and it’s a pretty standard multicam sitcom except Mitchell plays William Shakespeare. Despite being set in the late 16th century, the show comments on modern life. For example, in one episode Shakespeare is nominated in every category at the first London Theater Awards, but his enemy Robert Greene stages a one-night revival of his awful play Friar Bacon and Friar Bungay and has all his posh friends who control the awards vote for it so it sweeps every category despite almost no one having seen it and the people who have seen it thinking it’s terrible.

You might be wondering what that has to do with anything, but that is 100% how awards shows work, especially the Oscars. Oscar-bait movies open in three theaters in West Covina on December 16th, get seen by 12 people, and then win Best Picture. For example, Moonlight, which famously beat La La Land for Best Picture after Warren Beatty picked up the wrong envelope, played in 650 theaters and grossed $27 million at the domestic box office. Boo! A Madea Halloween opened the same day and played in over 2,000 theaters and made $73 million domestically. Now, financial success isn’t necessarily reflective of quality; The Last Jedi made $620 million and The Phantom Menace made $766 million adjusted for inflation, and both of those movies suck ass. Still, you’d think if a movie was the best movie made all year, someone would have seen it.

Steven Spielberg has no problem with this, but he’s very concerned that Netflix might distribute a movie that wins best picture, and by god he’s going to stop it. We don’t actually know exactly what he wants to do, but since he probably can’t just get the rules changed to “fuck Netflix” Indiewire reports he’ll probably try to insist on a higher minimum number of screens (the current is technically two, one in LA and one in New York) and a longer wait between the theatrical run and streaming debut.

“Steven feels strongly about the difference between the streaming and theatrical situation,” said an Amblin spokesperson. “He’ll be happy if the others will join [his campaign] when that comes up [at the Academy Board of Governors meeting]. He will see what happens.”

Per the Academy, “Awards rules discussions are ongoing with the branches. And the Board will likely consider the topic at the April meeting.”

This is probably going to have the side effect of completely destroying the chances of any indie film to win because Steven Spielberg wants you to have “The Theatrical Experience™.” And I’m sure it has nothing to do with the fact that he makes the vast majority of his money on the back end of theatrical profits. You know, I watched Ready Player One today, and while I liked the “capitalism is creating a cyberpunk dystopia” theme in it, it was the most by-the-book movie I’ve ever seen that didn’t start with the Marvel Fanfare. Seriously, read this and tell me that isn’t Ready Player One and every comic book movie you’ve ever seen.

Ava DuVernay disagrees, which probably has nothing to do with her upcoming Netflix series and her overall deal with Warner who just announced they’re launching a second boutique streaming service. No, according to The Wrap, she and the rest of the pro-Netflix crowd are just looking out for the little guy.

Franklin Leonard, founder of The Black List, said that Netflix has boosted filmmakers — including women and people of color — who have struggled to get their films picked up by traditional Hollywood studios.

“I think we can all agree that the theatrical experience is worth protecting. I, for one, do,” Leonard tweeted. “I also think we can all agree that it is more difficult for films by and about women, people of color, and myriad other communities to access the resources necessary to secure an exclusive four week theatrical window.”

Let’s be clear about what is going on here; both sides want to separate you from your dollars. It may be easy to see Netflix as being for the little guy because a single movie ticket costs more than a month of Netflix, but that’s their business model. They spent ten times on their Oscar push for Roma than winner Green Book spent. They want that Oscar so bad. It’s mainly a psychological thing. When Fox got NFL football, people started taking it seriously as a network and they could get better programming. Once Netflix wins an Oscar they’re not going to be seen as the place people dump movies that would have failed at the box office like Bright and like ten terrible Adam Sandler movies. Even they wouldn’t take Holmes and Watson, though.

Ultimately, this doesn’t mean much. But it’s worth keeping an eye on; as streaming services start picking up big-budget feature films, they’re not going want to put them in theaters, they want them on their service so you keep paying them. And people who make a lot of money on theatrical releases don’t want streaming to start grabbing good movies, because it means less money for them.

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Warner is Throwing in the Towel on the DCEU

After Marvel Studios took over all of cinema with their interconnected Marvel Cinematic Universe, their Distinguished Competition at Warner Brothers started trying to make a DC movie universe, bafflingly dubbed the DCEU, or DC Extended Universe. This experiment entirely failed to take off, with a few movies set in it during well, but Justice League and Batman vs Superman utterly failed to attract the sort of audience that Marvel did with The Avengers.

Now Warner Brothers CEO Kevin Tsujihara told the Los Angeles Times that DC is stepping away from the idea in order to focus on individual movies about their characters.

The upcoming slate, with “Shazam,” “Joker,” “Wonder Woman 1984” and “Birds of Prey,” feels like we’re on the right track. We have the right people in the right jobs working on it.

The universe isn’t as connected as we thought it was going to be five years ago. You’re seeing much more focus on individual experiences around individual characters. That’s not to say we won’t at some point come back to that notion of a more connected universe. But it feels like that’s the right strategy for us right now.

He’s right. Some of those movies look pretty good. Shazam is probably going to be awesome. Birds of Prey has Harley Quinn in it for some reason, but it could be pretty good. Why would you need these movies to tie into Justice League or Suicide Squad, films that no one liked. And this is what hey figured out.

What Patty Jenkins did on “Wonder Woman” illustrated to us what you could do with these characters who are not Batman and Superman. Obviously, we want to get those two in the right place, and we want strong movies around Batman and Superman. But “Aquaman” is a perfect example of what we can do. They’re each unique and the tone’s different in each movie.

Warner was more concerned with setting up a shared universe than they were about telling good stories, and this has never been a problem for Marvel. Well, not until Infinity War, anyway. I rag on Marvel a lot, but Iron Man was a good movie. Thor was a good movie. The Avengers was a great movie. I just don’t want to watch the same movie three times a year every year. There are more Marvel movies than there are James Bond movies. Iron Man came out in 2008 and Dr. No is from 1962. At some point, enough is enough.

Warner didn’t even start with good movies, they just saw dollar signs and wanted to get to where Marvel was as soon as possible. Now that they’ve failed to do that, they’re going back to the drawing board and just trying to make good movies. I know it’s a crazy strategy, but it just might work.

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‘Suicide Squad 2’ Will Probably Have a Good Script, But It Won’t Have Will Smith

Remember Suicide Squad, the DC movie that wanted to be Guardians of the Galaxy so bad they hired James Gunn to write the sequel? It’s still happening, but it’ll have to happen without the first movie’s main character Deadshot, because Will Smith has shit to do. Variety reported that Smith, who had never confirmed his return, won’t be back for a second film.

Even though his return had not been made official, sources tell Variety that Will Smith, who played Deadshot in the original, is not expected to return for the studio’s upcoming sequel. Sources say scheduling was the ultimate factor and that the decision was made on amicable terms between both sides with no hard feelings.

Though the studio has never confirmed who would be returning for “The Suicide Squad,” insiders say the studio has always wanted its biggest stars like Smith and Margot Robbie, who played Harley Quinn in the first pic, to return while figuring out other casting decisions along the way.

This is why Marvel got a bunch of drunks and Australian soap opera stars and made them sign nine-picture deals. What are you going to do now? Build your big-budget blockbuster popcorn flick around Captain Boomerang or invite Jared Leto back to send everyone dead rats? You couldn’t make a movie with Batman and Superman in it, so James Gunn or not you’re going to want to take any chances. Yes, you have Harley Quinn, but you’re also making a dozen other Harley Quinn movies along with that cartoon series starring Kaley Cuoco, she can only do so much.

Nothing really ever goes right for DC. Sure, Aquaman was a hit, but I have to assume at least half of that was shirtless Jason Momoa. It turns out that Marvel is the only comic book company that can make a three hour movie filmed entirely on a green screen with no plot and a few quips every scene and make a billion dollars; DC is going to have to try making a good movie eventually if they want to complete.

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Rotten Tomatoes is Making People Wait Until After Release to Leave Negative Reviews for Movies They Haven’t Seen

For some dumbass reason I will never understand, until about two days ago, Rotten Tomatoes let you leave comments on films that hadn’t released yet. They also had an anticipation score, called “Want to Watch” on films, which lets you know what movies the sort of people who leave comments on YouTube videos think about movies.

I seriously don’t know what they were even thinking when this feature was implemented. It turns out, shockingly, that the only people motivated to use it are fanboys and people motivated by weird political grudges. And because people were leaving low scores for a Disney/Marvel film, they finally scrapped the whole system.

Starting this week, Rotten Tomatoes will launch the first of several phases of updates that will refresh and modernize our Audience Rating System. We’re doing it to more accurately and authentically represent the voice of fans, while protecting our data and public forums from bad actors.

As of February 25, we will no longer show the ‘Want to See’ percentage score for a movie during its pre-release period. Why you might ask?  We’ve found that the ‘Want to See’ percentage score is often times confused with the ‘Audience Score’ percentage number. (The ‘Audience Score’ percentage, for those who haven’t been following, is the percentage of all users who have rated the movie or TV show positively – that is, given it a star rating of 3.5 or higher – and is only shown once the movie or TV show is released.)

I don’t have a problem with them them removing the “Want to See” score, because, as I mentioned, it’s a useless measurement of nothing. When is the last time you felt compelled to go to Rotten Tomatoes and put in a score for a movie you wanted (or didn’t want) to see? That’s how useful this thing was.

The problem I have is with the circumstances. A high-profile popcorn movie (Captain Marvel) got a bad audience score because the star pissed off a bunch of dorks by pointing out most of the people who do movie junkets are white. I know, it’s really dumb, but this is an entirely online drama that effects absolutely nothing in the real world, so of course it’s dumb.

A group of people on the internet tanking the anticipation score for Captain Marvel proves the the metric is worthless, but it was just as worthless for every other movie. If this relatively small group of people can take a movie with a projected opening weekend box office of over $120 million down to 30%, then it was never actually measuring anything to begin with.

The renovations don’t stop there, though.

What else are we doing? We are disabling the comment function prior to a movie’s release date. Unfortunately, we have seen an uptick in non-constructive input, sometimes bordering on trolling, which we believe is a disservice to our general readership. We have decided that turning off this feature for now is the best course of action. Don’t worry though, fans will still get to have their say: Once a movie is released, audiences can leave a user rating and comments as they always have.

Why was this ever a thing? What “constructive input” ever came from an internet comment on a movie no one has seen yet? Even when people have seen a movie, internet comments on them are pretty evenly divided between “I felt this movie needed to have more non-binary demisexual fursonas in it, you nazi assholes” and “lol, get cucked libtards.”

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Caitlyn Jenner Is Trying to Sell Us on Kendall Jenner’s Acting Skills

The entire Kardashian/Jenner family is absolutely delusional. But it takes a delusional family to manufacture the Kardashians into multimillionaires famous for doing absolutely nothing and parlaying that into multiple revenue streams like a reality show, apps, fashion and makeup. To think that all it took was Kris Jenner exploiting Kim’s friendship with Paris Hilton in order to market a “leaked” sex tape of Kim giving Ray J a blowjob. I say “leaked” because if you still believe the lie that the sex tape was “leaked”, I’m sorry to have to burst your bubble. Vivid could not have legally released the sex tape unless everyone involved signed off on it.

Caitlyn Jenner is now trying her own hand at delusional statements. At the Vanity Fair after party, she told E! that Kendall Jenner could win an Oscar. “If you’ve noticed all the things that she’s done on-camera, outside of the show, she’s just brilliant.” She says that every time Kendall performs there’s a “sparkle” in her face.

Here’s a look at the “acting” Kendall Jenner has done.

And who can forget the commercial she did which absolutely tanked Pepsi’s reputation as “that other soda that’s sort of like Coke but not as good.”

I think that “sparkle” Caitlyn sees is Kendall Jenner realizing she can charge brands almost $1 million to add absolutely no value to their message.

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Zachary Levi Says Both Captain Marvel Movies Can Get Along

Here’s a fun little piece of comic book trivia for you: Captain Marvel is a character created by Fawcett Comics that was bought by DC Comics after Fawcett went out of business. While the character was out of print, Marvel Comics swooped in and picked up a trademark on the name Captain Marvel, slapped it on a fairly uninspired clone of the Fawcett character and eventually created the Graphic Novel to keep the book they killed the character off in constantly in print so they could keep the trademark. This is also how and why The New Mutants and She-Hulk were created, among a few other characters, just to make sure DC or another publisher didn’t create a character with a similar name as a Marvel character. It kind of sounds like Marvel is the bad guy here but DC started printing graphic novels around the same time to hold on to the rights for The Watchmen, which revert to Alan Moore a year after it goes out of print (which he expected to mean sometime in 1988 when he signed the contract), so they’re not exactly the good guys.

DC has been marketing their Captain Marvel, the original Captain Marvel, under the brand Shazam! since way back in the 70’s when they launched The Shazam/Isis Power Hour, and that marketing has continues into the Shazam! movie starring Zachary Levi which releases shortly after Marvel’s Captain Marvel movie starring Brie Larson as someone who presumably figures out she’s a Nazi by the end of the film. This has created some tension between the two camps of fans, because, you know, they’re comic book fans, fighting with each other on the internet is their whole thing.

Zachary Levi wants everyone to get along, and gave a lecture on it as if he was the internet’s dad. This is kind of fitting considering the original Captain Marvel was sort of designed to look like if your dad was a superhero.

What he’s talking about in that video, where he says there’s no rivalry between his Captain Marvel (now Shazam) and Brie Larson’s Captain Marvel, is reports that people had been posting negative reviews of Captain Marvel on places like Rotten Tomatoes even though almost no one has seen the movie yet, which would be really dumb. If you don’t like a movie, don’t like the movie, but don’t say you don’t like it until after you see it. You can say it looks so bad you don’t want to see it, but that’s not a review of a movie.

What actually happened is that people had driven down Rotten Tomatoes “anticipation score” until the site removed it, according to Comicbook.com. Which is kind of fair game, but why is that even a thing? Everyone knows all the mundanes are going to see the new Marvel Movie because everyone has cabin fever and after this winter it’ll just be nice to leave the house and see a color that isn’t grey. The fact that nerds had a slapfight on social media about a movie isn’t going to change a single person’s mind about seeing a movie.

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The Bad Guys Won: The Blemish’s Oscar Wrap-Up

You guys, Twitter was lit tonight. You should have seen all the people mad about Bohemian Rhapsody and Green Book winning Oscars. In fact, here, take a look.

Yes, the big winners of the night were the long-accused kiddie fiddler and the dude who said Muslims were celebrating 9-11. Bohemian Rhapsody picked up a bunch of awards that were going to be presented during commercial breaks and no one said the name Bryan Singer, not even Rami Malek, who spent months re-learning how to talk after having those giant fake Freddie Mercury teeth removed.

If only someone could have seen this coming. I should have gone with my gut on Olivia Coleman and if I’d have seen Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse before last night I would have definitely picked that, I didn’t know it had such an off-the-wall art style, but other than that, I did pretty well. If there’s one thing everyone should know by now, it’s that Academy voters love movies about white people who aren’t racist in places where all the other white people are racist and they love straight actors playing queer characters. Remember when Crash won Best Picture and it wasn’t the awesome Cronenberg film about people jacking off to car crashes?

Black Panther winning Best Who Cares, Best I Don’t Even Know What That Means and Best ‘Siri, What Does a Production Designer Do’ represents the first time Marvel Studios has ever won an Oscar.

The big winner of the night was, of course, Green Book, a movie about how someone from The Sopranos was nice to a black person once. It’s really started a discussion on how we portray race relations in film that no one with an Oscar ballot will spend even a second thinking about before they give next year’s statue to Crocodile Dundee 4, which will be all about Paul Hogan saving a young Aboriginal child from being eaten by dingos while they learn they’re really not so different.

A lot of people seemed genuinely surprised that Black Panther didn’t win Best Picture, because those people haven’t been paying attention. I haven’t seen Green Book, but I have a feeling it didn’t completely fall apart in the third act the way Black Panther did, just for starters. But there’s no way a comic book movie is going to win Best Picture. No Western won Best Picture between 1930 and 1990, because Hollywood doesn’t reward genre films until the genre is dead and someone does a revival that bookends it like Clint Eastwood did with Unforgiven. Or, you know, someone does a movie in that genre that’s an hour too long and everyone learns that white people and non-white people aren’t really so different. So maybe Black Panther did have a chance to win, after all.

But seriously, if Black Panther had won Best Picture that would be the only thing I talked about in this recap, and it would end with a video of me literally eating my hat.

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The Irishman Is Coming

During the Oscars this Sunday, a teaser for Martin Scorsese’s new film, The Irishman, debuted.

If you’re wondering why you should be excited by 3 lines of dialogue, then let me put everything in context. This film stars Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Joe Pesci, and the always forgotten Harvey Keitel and it’s directed by Martin Scorsese. They’re like the Avengers of gangster films having teamed up or made classics like The GodfatherGoodfellasHeat, Casino, Donnie Brasco, Gangs of New York and The Departed.

They’ve been giving everyone a serious case of blue balls since 2010 when they first started talking about the movie, which is based on the book I Heard You Paint Houses by Charles Brandt. The book details the story of Frank Sheeran, a mafia hitman thought to be connected to the assassinations of John F. Kennedy and Jimmy Hoffa.

The film is set to release in the fall in theaters and on Netflix. I’m told the film was going to be released 5 years earlier but the computing power needed to de-age Al Pacino and Robert DeNiro was still being developed by NASA.

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Real Australian Chris Hemsworth Is Going to Play Real American Hulk Hogan

There are a lot of movies and TV shows about pro wrestling going on right now. It probably started with Max Landis’s Wrestling isn’t Wrestling, which, if you’re confused about why people like wrestling, is a great short film that really goes into what makes pro wrestling fun. But there’s also GLOW on Netflix about the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling promotion from the 1980s, as well as ESPN’s 30 for 30 on Ric Flair called Nature Boy and HBO’s Andre the Giant that go behind the scenes on some of the most popular wrestlers of all time. And the comedy biopic about Paige, Fighting with My Family, is in theaters right now. Basically, Pro Wrestling is a hot subject for film right now.

So it was only a matter of time before we got a film about the most popular pro wrestler of all time, Hulk Hogan. And Chris Hemsworth is playing him, because he’s tall and Australian and that’s basically the same as being from Florida. Giant bugs, everyone is tan and drunk, you can’t walk ten feet before your balls stick to your legs from the humidity… it’s basically the same place.

You might not realize how massive a dude Hogan is because he spent his career standing next to guys like Andre the Giant and Kevin Nash, but Hogan is 6’7″ and 300 pounds of muscle, casual racism and tanning cream, which is impressive considering how little of that weight is hair. Yeah, if you thought Chris Hemsworth looked better with his long hair as Thor, wait until you seem him with half his head shaved and a tan the color of a leather chair in shrink’s office.

THR, who broke the story, said that the movie wasn’t going to detail the time Gawker went out of business for showing everyone his 24-inch python, saying “The biopic will not delve into those years or attempt to encompass Hogan’s entire life. Instead, sources say it will focus on his rise and is described as an origin story of the Hulkster and Hulkamania.”

I feel like this is going to be really fun, honestly. I’m more excited for this than I am for Marvel Movie 54: The Coming of Paste Pot Pete.

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