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Let’s All Calm Down, Nobody is Making James Bond a Woman

The big news in Hollywood today is that James Bond has been replaced by a woman! Take that, eight guys on an anonymous Internet forum who hate women, you’ve been pwned. Remember that? Pwned? Remember when that was a thing? From that Community episode?

Yes, social media exploded into a fury of laughing at people who are mad about the news that 007 will be a black woman in the next James Bond film, even though those people probably don’t exist. And James Bond isn’t going to be a woman, he’s still going to be Daniel Craig.

The Daily Mail broke the story that Lashana Lynch will co-star alongside Craig as Agent 007, the designation she took after Bond retired. 

The story begins with Bond retired in Jamaica. But spymaster M – played by Ralph Fiennes – calls him back in desperation to tackle a new global crisis.

A movie insider said: ‘There is a pivotal scene at the start of the film where M says ‘Come in 007’, and in walks Lashana who is black, beautiful and a woman.

‘It’s a popcorn-dropping moment. Bond is still Bond but he’s been replaced as 007 by this stunning woman.

While this is being reported as “they’re making James Bond a woman” all over the Internet, it sounds like Lynch’s character is going to be more like Felix Leiter. And while this is framed as Bond “passing the torch” to the new 007, if you’ve ever seen a movie, any movie at all, you probably realize that Bond will back as 007 by the end of the film.

Still, co-writer Phoebe Waller-Bridge sounds like she has a handle on James Bond.

‘There’s been a lot of talk about whether or not Bond is relevant now because of who he is and the way he treats women.

‘I think that’s bollocks. I think he’s absolutely relevant now. [The franchise] has just got to grow. It has just got to evolve, and the important thing is that the film treats the women properly. He doesn’t have to. He needs to be true to his character.’

See? No lady Bond, no PC Bond, just a script with contributions by a talented woman that sees Bond team up with a strong, competent woman. Who might die. Pretty much every 00 agent in a Bond film other than Bond has been killed, so there’s a way better chance she dies than that she stays 007.

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ScarJo Tries to Backpedal on ‘I Can Play Anyone’ Comment After Backlash

Scarlett Johansson seems to be constantly embroiled in controversies over the roles she takes in films. There was Rub and Tug, where she was cast as a trans man and eventually left, Ghost in the Shell where she played a Japanese robot, the Avengers where people were very mad Black Widow wasn’t played by an actual Russian assassin/former child soldier and of course no one really believed her in Lucy as a woman who uses 100% of her brain.

While ScarJo has been somewhat contrite about these controversies in the past, it seems like being an internet punchline has caught up with her and she’s sick of it. TMZ reported Johansson is now defiant, saying she should play any role she wants. 

ScarJo opened up about politically correct casting to As If magazine (without directly mentioning her now-debunked role in “Rub and Tug”), saying … “You know, as an actor I should be allowed to play any person, or any tree, or any animal because that is my job and the requirements of my job.”

She added, “I feel like it’s a trend in my business and it needs to happen for various social reasons, yet there are times it does get uncomfortable when it affects the art because I feel art should be free of restrictions,” going on to say … “I think society would be more connected if we just allowed others to have their own feelings and not expect everyone to feel the way we do.” 

That went over about as well as you’d think, and EW reported shortly after that Johansson issued another statement on the quote. 

“The question I was answering in my conversation with the contemporary artist, David Salle, was about the confrontation between political correctness and art,” she continues. “I personally feel that, in an ideal world, any actor should be able to play anybody and Art, in all forms, should be immune to political correctness. That is the point I was making, albeit didn’t come across that way. I recognize that in reality, there is a wide spread discrepancy amongst my industry that favors Caucasian, cis gendered actors and that not every actor has been given the same opportunities that I have been privileged to. I continue to support, and always have, diversity in every industry and will continue to fight for projects where everyone is included.”

Image Comics publisher and Savage Dragon creator Erik Larsen weighed in here with what I think is a really good and often overlooked point: these movies may not be made at all without ScarJo attached.

And there’s a point here, one we also made when first reporting on this story; who is starring in Rub and Tug after Johansson left? When is it going into production? When is it coming to theaters?

Johansson wants to walk this sort of tightrope where she’s saying “Well, of course I want more people of color to get more roles, but in a perfect world I would have been able to Al Jolson my way through Black Panther and I would have been the shuckingest, jivingest Wakandan ever.” She didn’t actually say that, by the way, this is a comedy website. I don’t want to end up on Snopes.

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No Music, No Mushu: Here’s Your First Look at ‘Mulan’

Get those pitchforks ready, Twitter. You got something new to complain about.

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Social Media Users Suspect Disney May Have Been Behind Fake ‘Little Mermaid’ Outrage

In 2016, when the world got a first look at the upcoming Ghostbusters movie, the reaction was immediately clear: it looked terrible. It quickly became one of the most disliked videos on YouTube

There may have been a myriad of reasons for this, but the main one is that it was a pretty terrible movie. Instead of capturing the charm and wit and character of the original film, it basically tried to be a Marvel movie with a few more jokes. But something weird happened.

People started saying the only reason no one liked this bland, unfunny remake of a beloved film was because the main cast was all women. Suddenly anyone who didn’t like it was a misogynist, and not even Richard Roeper, one of the most respected film critics of our day, was allowed to dislike it without being accused of misogyny.

And then people started saying they were going to see it in the theater just to “teach the misogynists a lesson.”

You might say this didn’t help the film because it did pretty poorly at the box office, only bringing in around $200 million, not even close to making a profit. But Holmes and Watson, a similarly bad film that released late last year, only brought in about $40 million. Ghostbusters had a pretty good opening weekend for a comedy, it just didn’t perform well in the following weeks or overseas because by then the cat was out of the bag that it wasn’t a very good movie despite critics being afraid to say this because after all if they came for Richard Roeper you better believe they’re going to come for Jim Hayseed of the Butthole Falls Fair Dealer.

After Ghostbusters, this kept happening. A small number of people would get mad about something stupid in a movie like Black Panther or Captain Marvel, or even just say “Marvel movies are basically all the same and there are 30 of them, maybe we don’t have to pretend this is a work of cinematic genius and instead we can agree it’s just okay,” and suddenly seeing these movies wasn’t just an okay way to spend a few hours, you were fighting to be on the right side of history by giving Disney your money.

Now Disney has announced that Halle Bailey, who is not Halle Berry but is black, will be playing Ariel in the upcoming Little Mermaid live-action remake and right on time, the trolls are there to be racist about it.

Except they kind of weren’t. I mean, someone started #NotMyAriel ‘movement’ on Twitter, but the account it seems to have started with had a fake profile picture and the only tweets on their account were the new Spider-Man trailer and complaints about The Little Mermaid.

And while #NotMyAriel was trending on Twitter, it didn’t seem like there were many people there at all who were actually complaining. It was an entire hashtag populated by people saying that the people pushing the hashtag were ignorant and wrong with no one seeming to actually have all that much of a problem with it.

And then a theory started to form. Did Disney set this all up to market their film?

That’s another thing: This all happened in the middle of two pretty bad news stories for Disney; they wouldn’t let the father of a recently deceased kid who loved Spider-Man have Spidey’s logo on his tombstone and the announcement that the upcoming live-action Mulan wouldn’t have Mushu or any musical numbers in it.

Now, there’s no actual proof Disney is behind this. If you think I have the resources here to do investigative journalism then you are sadly mistaken about both the scope of my job and this blog. But the conspiracy here does make a lot of sense. Even if people aren’t seeing movies like Captain Marvel to “stick it to the haters” these stories generate a lot of free press. And if no one is going to get outraged and give you an entire news cycle of free coverage, then it would probably be worth it to invent them.

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Halle Bailey Cast as The Little Mermaid, Racists Flip Out on Twitter

Halle Bailey is about to be part of our big screen world.

The 19-year old -- who forms one half of the R&B duo Chloe X Halle, along with her sister -- has been cast as Ariel in the upcoming live-action remake of The Little Mermaid.

Halle Bailey Picture

Said director Rob Marshall of the decision to cast Bailey in the title role of the film, which is based entirely on the iconic 1989 Disney cartoon:

"After an extensive search, it was abundantly clear that Halle possesses that rare combination of spirit, heart, youth, innocence and substance - plus a glorious singing voice - all intrinsic qualities necessary to play this iconic role."

Melissa McCarthy, Jacob Tremblay and Awkwafina are also also talks to star and lend their voices to the movie, which will begin production in 2020.

The Little Mermaid will be the latest Disney cartoon to be remade in this live-action fashion, following this spring's Aladdin and this summer's The Lion King.

So... that's it, right?

End of story and end of this latest piece of interesting movie news?

NOPE!

Halle Bailey

Because social media can be a terrible place, full of judgment A-Holes and racists in general, many people out there are aghast over Bailey's casting.

Because they thought it was Halle Berry who was cast as Ariel?

Actuallly, yes. This was an initial misunderstanding.

But the bigger uproar has centered around the fact that Bailey is African-American and the character of Ariel was not.

Of course, she as also a mermaid and Bailey is a human... but no one has really objected to this difference between the singer and the curious mermaid.

Halle Bailey Photo

This person, for example, tried to use science to argue that Ariel simply had to be white:

ariel tweet

There was also the use of the fake term "blackwashing," along with some attempts to reason that Ariel is Dutch and, therefore, well, you see...

blackwashing

We'll spare you the disgusting details of other, similar Tweets.

But know this: There's a Change.org petition, which we are NOT about to link to, that calls for Bailey to be fired there must be "justice for Ariel" and the petition signees aren't about to let "Disney ruin our childhood."

We don't even know what to say about people who actually get worked up over what ethnicity they think a cartoon ought to be when he or she is brought to life by an actual person.

Go outside? Take a nice, long walk? Try to re-evaluate every aspect of your life?

Because, seriously, you are 1. Mostly just being racist; and 2. Really need to direct this anger toward pretty much anything else of importance in the world.

halle twitter

The above Tweet is how Bailey herself reacted to the casting news.

Pretty awesome image, isn't it?

We're just gonna go ahead and leave it at that,

Eric Andre Bringing Us His Own Hidden Cam Prank Comedy

It’s like Borat but from the mind of Eric Andre. A scripted movie with unscripted pranks.

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Megan Fox Is Not Making a Comeback

Writer: What if there was a girl with superpowers?

Producer: What would her superpowers be?

Writer: She’s invisible!

Producer: Yes, go on.

Writer: And she spends most of her life feeling alone because no one can see her.

Producer: Ok, interesting. Does she fight crime with her invisibility? Like an Avenger?

Writer: Yes. Well. No. She helps an ex-MMA fighter, whose the only one that can see her, restart his fighting career.

Producer: Wait…

Writer: And helps him try to get back with his girlfriend.

Producer: I don’t think…

Writer: But the MMA fighter falls in love with the invisible girl.

Producer: This sounds…

Writer: The girlfriend of the MMA fighter will be Megan Fox!

Producer: Greenlit.

Writer: And the tagline will be “Fight to be seen”

Producer: Please stop talking.

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Marvel Has Been Trying to Get Keanu Reeves Into the MCU For a While Now

After starring in an iconic movie, Keanu Reeves goes into hibernation until he finds another iconic movie to resurface with. He went from Bill & Ted to Point Break to Speed to The Matrix to John Wick. I’m not going to mention all those movies he did in between because that would ruin my narrative. But my point is Keanu Reeves is a national treasure and Kevin Feige realizes this because for every Marvel movie, he gives him a call.

“We talk to him for almost every film we make,” Feige laughed. “We talk to Keanu Reeves about. I don’t know when, if, or ever he’ll join the MCU, but we very much want to figure out the right way to do it.”

Feige went on to compare Reeves to Jake Gyllenhaal, saying that they talked to the Spider-Man: Far From Home star “multiple times” until the perfect role (Mysterio) appeared. They’re hoping a similar situation will occur with Revees, and that he will join the wide world of Marvel when the right role presents itself.

Judging by how much money Marvel wants to milk out of its fans, there’s going to be another 50 years of Marvel movies so if he doesn’t break down by then, they can just switch up his dementia medication and trick him into one of their movies.

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Marvel is Bringing an Extended Cut of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ to Theaters Because The Last Version Was Just Too Short

Marvel really, really wants Avengers: Endgame to be the highest-grossing film of all time. It didn’t quite get there in its theatrical run, coming up about 44 million dollars behind Avatar, which is also owned by Disney now. But the only thing to do when you come this close to the record and miss is to slap some deleted scenes onto the movie and squeeze that last $50 million out of the specific sort of nerd who needs to see DVD special features on the big screen.

That’s right, Marvel is releasing an extended cut of Avengers: Endgame to theaters because the original runtime of all fucking day wasn’t quite long enough. That’s right Kevin Feige told comicbook.com that Endgame is headed back to theaters with the implicit threat that it’s just going to keep coming back until they get their record.

While attending the Spider-Man: Far From Home press junket in London, ComicBook.com’s Brandon Davis spoke exclusively with Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige, who confirmed that Avengers: Endgame was heading back to the big screen for a theatrical re-release. Not only that, but this version of the film will arrive with extra scenes that weren’t included in the first theatrical release.

“We are doing that,” Feige said of an Endgame re-release with new footage. “I don’t know if it’s been announced. And I don’t know how much… Yeah, we’re doing it next weekend.”

At this point I would rather just watch the misogynist troll cut someone posted to the pirate websites over the weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I think that endeavor was highly stupid even if the goal was just to make people mad about it, but it’s only 90 minutes long and the original theatrical cut ran so long that my son, who I hadn’t even conceived when I went into the theater, had a masters degree and resented me for missing all of his ballgames by the time it finished.

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Netflix Wants You to Believe 31 Million People Watched an Adam Sandler Movie

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Everyone Loves The Rock

The Rock has some words for you.

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‘Dark Phoenix’ Bombs at Box Office, Sends the ‘X-Men’ Out On a Giant Failure

Anyone who read comic books in the 1970s, 80s, 90s or 2000s probably remembers the X-Men being the biggest thing on the planet. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate how popular the X-Men were; the first issue of their second monthly comic, simply titled X-Men, in 1991 led to sales of over seven million copies, over twice as many as the infamous Death of Superman in Superman 75.

Out of all the stories to come out of this period, the most famous was The Phoenix Saga. The entire story ran for nearly four years, starting with longtime X-Man Marvel Girl developing new pyrokinetic powers and renaming herself Phoenix. Over the course of the story, Phoenix’s powers grew stronger and stronger, eventually leading the evil Hellfire Club to try and corrupt her, which ultimately ends up with Phoenix losing control of her mind and powers, leading to her death at the climax of what’s since come to be known as The Dark Phoenix Saga.

So beloved and fundamental to the X-Men is this story that virtually every adaptation of the comic in other media has included it in some form, including the X-Men film series. In fact, the X-Men films have adapted it twice, and both adaptations have turned out to be horrible. The first attempt was X-Men: The Last Stand, a terrible movie that tried to squeeze one of the most beloved stories in comic book history into a B-Plot and was closer to Grant Morrison’s New X-Men.

Since the storyline was so revered and the film so reviled, the rebooted X-Men franchise set out to tell it again and get it right this time. Probably would have been a good idea to do it before Hugh Jackman quit being Wolverine. Actually, almost anything they did would have been better, probably including not reshooting the ending because it felt too close to Captain Marvel, these movies are all basically the same anyway.

Dark Phoenix, which should be the big send-off to the X-Men franchise, adapting it’s biggest story before Marvel reboots it, has done so poorly that IndieWire said it had the worst second weekend for a superhero film ever. According to Box Office Mojo, it’s pulled in just $52 million domestically in two weekends. Rotten Tomatoes scores Dark Phoenix as the worst-reviewed X-Men film ever, even below the abysmal X-Men Origins: Wolverine.

Even so, I don’t see Kevin Feige’s comments about having no plans for the X-Men now that the rights to the movies are back at Marvel Studios. I just don’t see a world in which one of the biggest studios in the world has their biggest property on a shelf somewhere while they’re busy working on bottom-of-the-barrel characters like Shang-Chi and Doctor Strange, neither of whom has been able to support a monthly comic in decades.

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Juul’ll Be Sorry: Sophie Turner Cried Because Someone Stole Her Vape Pen on the ‘Dark Phoenix’ Set

Sophie Turner basically can’t live without her Juul. She has it with her everywhere, even when she travels back in time to film Game of Thrones.

View this post on Instagram

The pack survived

A post shared by Sophie Turner (@sophiet) on

The rest of this story has a spoiler for Dark Phoenix, but I doubt anyone was going to see that anyway. I love the X-Men and I’m not going to see it because all the movies other than Logan and Deadpool have been really disappointing and with the Disney buy-out we know they’re going to completely relaunch the X-Men after this anyway.

Jimmy Kimmel had the cast of Dark Phoenix on to talk about the film ahead of its launch on Friday, and Jennifer Lawrence gave us an interesting look into Sophie Turner’s process.

During the course of the film, I’m assuming this happens pretty early on, Turner’s character Jean Grey, or Phoenix, kills Lawrence’s Mystique, as part of her losing control of her powers and her mind. They played this whole thing out really well in the comic books in the 70s with the Hellfire Club controlling her and twisting her mind as opposed to her just having her enemies surrender and then losing her shit and killing a million civilians for no reason.

It was an emotional scene, and Lawrence told everyone how Turner summoned up the emotion for the scene.

I teared up a little bit watching Sophie in that scene it was so, her reaction to my death was so raw and real. I died with my eyes open. And it was so honest and real, and it’s because she really was crying. Because her dialect coach, right before the take, took her Juul away. She started genuinely tearing up. It was like the performance of the year. It was amazing.

I have to admit, this is a much better acting process than sending dead rats to hot Australian women.

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Here’s Your First Look at Wonder Woman 1984

I was sitting here cross-eyed for 10 minutes thinking this was one of those magic eye posters.

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HGH Has Preserved Stallone’s Body Long Enough For ‘Rambo: The John Wick Effect’

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Georgia’s Ban May Affect Disney’s Aborted Movies

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People Walked Out of This Cannes Movie Because of Its Sex Scene

Mektoub, My Love: Intermezzo, the follow-up to director Abdellatif Kechiche’s 2017 film Mektoub, My Love: Canto Uno was a real hit at Cannes if you liked gratuitous shots of women’s butts and a 20 minute scene of unsimulated cunnilingus. Unfortunately, a lot of critics were not a fan and walked out during the screening.

Kechiche said the film is intended “to celebrate life, love, desire, breath, music, the body.” He continued, “I’ve tried to show what really resonates within me to see bodies, tummies, the buttocks,” he continued. “What I have tried to do is to describe things through movement. I may appear facile. But they are quite magical. I wanted to film the magic of the body. It’s the metaphysical aspect of the body that I have portrayed.”

Coincidentally, these are the same talking points I use when I ask to film girls having sex. Though sometimes it’s hard to hear their answer when I’m standing on the other side of their bedroom window.

Critics say Kechiche is celebrating the male gaze and objectifying women’s bodies. Which an argument could be made if this breakdown of the film is true.

Kechiche also did Blue Is the Warmest Color so this wasn’t exactly shocking. That film was heavily criticized for its unrealistic portrayal of lesbian sex. Its star, Léa Seydoux, also accused Kechiche of pressuring her and co-star Adèle Exarchopoulos to reshoot sex scenes.

You can probably expect more of the same from Kechiche in the future as it looks like he’s unlikely to change his style. He’s basically the arthouse version of Bang Bus.

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‘Dark Phoenix’ Gets the Chinese Poster Treatment

This is the new Dark Phoenix poster for China. It’ll probably be the best thing about the movie. 😖

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‘Terminator: Dark Fate’ Is Here

The franchise you thought was dead will never be dead.

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Quentin Tarantino Rejects Your Hypothesis

Next question! Hopefully about feet.

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Marvel Fans Demand Danny DeVito Play Wolverine

Wolverine is short. I know most people think of 6’2″ Hugh Jackman as Wolverine, and he was great in the role, but he’s almost a foot taller than Wolverine’s stated height in the X-Men comics. Now that Hugh Jackman has left and Disney is going to reboot the X-Men to bring them into the Marvel Cinematic Universe, someone new will be playing Wolverine, but who should that person be?

Well, the internet has thought about it and decided that Danny DeVito is the only reasonable candidate.

A Change.org petition calling for DeVito to be cast as Wolverine has almost 20,000 hits so far, which isn’t as many as people who want a do-over on Game of Thrones where everyone spends the entire last season talking about how awesome Daenerys is and she brings a million years of peace of Westeros, but it’s more than you’d expect.

The only man able to take the throne after Hugh Jackman. We believe that if Wolverine is to make an appearance in the Marvel Cinematic Universe that the only man able to pull it off is Danny DeVito.

Danny DeVito is 4’10”, which is closer to Wolverine’s 5’3″ than Hugh Jackman, but not quite perfect, either.

I think we all know that Misfits frontman Glenn Danzig is the perfect person to play Wolverine. Same height, same build, same disposition. He actually could have been Wolverine instead of Hugh Jackman but he declined to audition.

If we can’t have Glenn Danzig as Wolverine, then Danny DeVito is probably a great second choice.

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Quentin Tarantino Twirls Margot Robbie at ‘Once Upon a Time in Hollywood’ Cannes Premiere

In related news, Quentin Tarantino stops himself from sucking Margot Robbie’s feet.

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Robert Pattinson is Batman, Just in Case You Still Thought Superhero Movies Were Cool

Hey, remember when vampires used to be awesome? They were these strong, scary, slightly homo-erotic creatures of the night who lived in giant castles surrounded by bats, and then Robert Pattinson came along and made them whiny  100-year-old virgins and Christian allegories with diamond skin. Robert Pattinson ruined vampires and also probably Kristen Stewart, who looked way hotter with long hair.

Now Pattinson is playing Batman, who is a strong, scary, slightly homo-erotic creature of the night who lives in giant mansion surrounded by bats and oh shit it’s happening again isn’t it? Batman is our coolest non-Wolverine superhero, we need to protect him from this kind of bullshit. I just have a feeling this movie to make us long for the dark seriousness of Adam West’s Batman or the rugged heterosexuality of Joel Schumacher’s Batman Forever.

Variety reports that the script of the movie isn’t even finished yet, so there’s plenty of time left to ruin it to match its star.

Warner Bros., in giving Reeves plenty of time to develop the script, is hoping the latest iteration of the DC icon is done right, following the disappointments of “Batman v Superman” and “Justice League.”

And yet they cast Robert Pattinson as Batman.

No word on if Joe Manganiello will show up as Deathstroke the Terminator in this outing, but I wouldn’t count on it. Can you see a world where Robert Pattinson  slugs it out with Joe Manganiello and wins? They could have just done a Batman TV show on the CW instead of this, and avoided the potential controversy with Ruby Rose.

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James Gunn Has Given His First Interview About Being Fired and Rehired By Disney

If you’re anything like me, after Disney reversed course on its very bad decision to fire James Gunn, you really wanted to know what the hell happened. Gunn kept his head down, stayed silent and even took a job doing Suicide Squad 2 for the Distinguished Competition, which probably gave Disney the room to hire him back, but it still left us without the details of what happened.

But now Gunn has given an interview to Deadline and he let us in on all the behind-the-scenes drama.

That first day… I’m going to say it was the most intense of my entire life. There have been other difficult days in my life, from the time I got sober when I was younger, to the death of friends who committed suicide. But this was incredibly intense. It happened, and suddenly it seemed like everything was gone. I just knew, in a moment that happened incredibly quickly, I had been fired. It felt as if my career was over.

Yeah, it was really crazy. I feel like if anyone at Disney had actually slowed down for a minute the outrage would have blown over and they could have gotten the movie out on schedule. I mean, has anyone made good on their boycott threats over Gunn’s jokes? Avengers: Endgame is the first Marvel movie released since Gunn was hired back and that has been raking in money hand over fist all over the world.

It doesn’t hurt that everyone in the world who isn’t a total moron dickbag wanted Gunn back.

And then came this outpouring of real love. From my girlfriend Jen; my producer and my agents; Chris Pratt calling me and freaking out; Zoe Saldana and Karen Gillan, all calling and crying. Sylvester Stallone FaceTime-ing me. And, of course, Dave Bautista, who came out so strong. That amount of love that I felt from my friends, my family, and the people in the community was absolutely overwhelming.

This is actually kind of heartwarming.

The studios, for the most part, said, “We’d love to have you.” They called within the first two days. But I didn’t believe it. That’s the thing that I have to be honest about. On some theoretical level, I was like, “Well, maybe I do have a future.”

All of Marvel’s movies are modeled after Guardians of the Galaxy now. All of them. The biggest movie franchise in the history of the world has one mode, and that mode is “do what James Gunn did” so of course studios were beating his door down the second he was a free agent.

I just hope people are as kind to me when someone finds all the dumb shit I say on this website and gets me fired from whatever job I’m doing.

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More Bad News, Wine Moms: The ‘Game of Thrones’ Showrunners Are Making the Next ‘Star Wars’ Movie

Just a few days after D.B. Weiss and David Benioff made a bunch of people really regret naming their daughter Khaleesi, Disney has announced that it’s their Star Wars movie that will be hitting screens in 2022.

Here’s what Bob Iger said at the MoffettNathanson Media and Communications Summit, via The Wrap:

“We’re not going to wait until nine is out to start figuring it out, we’re actually hard at work doing that now,” Iger said when asked about the future of the “Star Wars” franchise. “We did a deal with David Benioff and Dan Weiss, who are famous for ‘Game of Thrones’ and the next movie that we release will be theirs, and we’re not saying anything more about that.”

Remember when they announced that they were letting Rian Johnson do a whole Star Wars trilogy? That is never going to happen. I mean, maybe he gets to do some Mon Mothma: The Early Years trilogy or something, but there’s no way they’re putting the guy who imploded the plot of their franchise in charge of anything of consequential.

Benioff and Weiss, meanwhile, are going to be shaping the future of the franchise here.

I’d also like to mention here that Disney announced Star Wars was “going on hiatus” after The Rise of Skywalker and the next movie in the franchise comes out three years later. The original Star Wars movies had a three year gap between each film in the trilogy, and now that’s a hiatus. That’s how Disney looks at movie franchises. They are going to run all of this shit into the ground. They are going to pump these movies out until you’re just sick of them and then they’re going to pump them out for another five years. And by then they’ll have bought something else you love that they can pump out three movies for a year. I’m shocked they haven’t bought Harry Potter yet, honestly.

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Disney Released 10 Years of Movie Release Dates, Hope You Want to See the Same Shit For the Next Decade

Christmas came early today for all the people who like watching the same three movies every year for the rest of time because Disney just released their theatrical release calendar for the next ten years. Here’s a hint for you; they’ve filled an entire decade with all the same shit they’re doing now.

There’s a lot to unpack here. The first thing is that they’re still pretending that they’re going to release The New Mutants, an X-Men spin-off set in the continuity of the old films that Dark Phoenix will close the door on. The Maisie Williams film was supposed to debut before Dark Phoenix but it keeps getting pushed back because it desperately needs reshoots that Disney isn’t going to pay for, so while I’m sure they’d like to release it to try to make back some of their production budget, they’re probably going to dump it on Hulu, which is the smart thing. Releasing a bad movie based on good characters can really cause problems for the property. Just look at Green Lantern; Green Lantern was DC’s top selling comic for the better part of a decade and their film division basically considers it toxic. Marvel probably doesn’t want that to happen with a group of characters who could end up being the core of an X-Men or X-Force movie.

If you’re a fan of Untitled Marvel, your cup runneth over. This appears eight times on the schedule, all in the next three years. And that’s not even counting Spider-Man: Far From Home, which comes out this summer. It seems like that Black Widow film is still on the production slate, and is actually filming right now, as one intrepid Twitter user caught ScarJo filming a Marvel movie in his back yard.

Though he later added someone told him this was Morbius, which is produced by Sony, not Black Widow.

Do people really want to see a prequel film about a character they’ve already killed off? Who cares.

All those “Untitled Disney Live Action” films could be anything, but I’m going with the assumption they’re all live action remakes of Disney cartoons. If you really think about it, that’s  probably way more likely to be correct than Disney actually making something new, and I can honestly see them cranking four of those pieces of shit out a year.

Indiana Jones is back on the schedule, think Shia LaBeouf will be in that one? I actually liked the last Indiana Jones movie, so you can all bite me. There’s also a Bob’s Burgers movie on the schedule, which will really cement its place as “The Simpsons but still good.”

Finally, there’s going to be another new Star Wars or Avatar movie every year starting in 2021 until about when the sun goes red giant and engulfs the Earth. And Rian Johnson won’t be directing any of them.

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‘Avengers: Endgame’ is on Track to be the Highest-Grossing Film Ever

Avengers: Endgame has been in theaters for almost two weeks and it’s the second-highest grossing film of all-time, passing Titanic and looking right at the record held by another James Cameron movie, Avatar. Yes, roughly all the world has seen Endgame, which has to date pulled in $2.18 billion worldwide.

But here’s the thing: only four movies in the top 50 highest-grossing released before the year 2000, and all of them are from the 90s. E.T. is the only movie from the 80s in the top 100 at number 83 and Star Wars is the only film from the 70s at number 90.

You’re going to hear a lot about how Avengers: Endgame is the highest-grossing film of all time when it happens, but what does that really mean? Ticket prices have doubled since Titanic was in theaters and the worldwide market is more robust now that it ever has been, especially with China now being a major driver of ticket sales.

But if you really look at the top 100 list, this is just something that inevitably happens once a decade because of ticket price inflation. In 1977, Star Wars was the highest-grossing film of all time. Then about every ten years, a new blockbuster came along and took the top spot. That’s just going to keep happening, and ten years from now we’re going to watch as some Chinese movie blows past Endgame on the all-time box office list.

Adjusted for inflation, Endgame is 42nd in domestic box office. That is, like the film itself, good, but not great. It’s at roughly a third of Gone with the Wind and Star Wars‘ adjusted gross. As I’m writing this, it hasn’t outperformed the very first Spider-Man with Tobey Maguire or Ghostbusters. The good Ghostbusters, not the terrible Paul Feig abortion.

Basically, what I’m saying is that the unadjusted gross is a pointless statistic that only tells you how many yachts studio heads can buy their mistresses. And when your most annoying friend starts going “Yeah, well, Endgame is the highest-grossing movie of all time, unlike that bullshit you watch like Bullit and Annie Hall or whatever,” Just remind them that way more people saw The Phantom Menace than Endgame, and that movie is worse than The Last Jedi.

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Sony Forgot the Soundtrack in the New Men In ‘Black: International’ Trailer

The post Sony Forgot the Soundtrack in the New Men In ‘Black: International’ Trailer appeared first on The Blemish.

Avengers Endgame Reviews: A Fitting End to the Saga?

We're not sure if you've heard, but Avengers: Endgame is now ready for your viewing pleasure.

The concluding saga in this Marvel Cinematic Universe journey, the film will bring together ALL your favorite characters and actors and actresses and pretty much everything you have loved about all these Avengers.

But will you actually love the blockbuster itself?

We've collected a number of Avengers: Endgame reviews down below in order to help you decide whether the movie is worth attending.

(Just kidding: We know you'll be going no matter what. But you must be curious to see what the professionals are saying, right?)

1. Chris Hewitt, Minneapolis Star Tribune

Chris hewitt minneapolis star tribune
It's an episodic movie, so it shines in parts, rather than as a whole, but there are plenty of good parts.

2. Peter Travers, Rolling Stone

Peter travers rolling stone
The MCU's long goodbye to the Avengers (is it really?) comes off as truly epic and thunderously exciting. But here's the big surprise-it's also an emotional wipeout

3. James Berardinelli, ReelViews

James berardinelli reelviews
Avengers: Endgame isn't as brash, surprising, or relentless as its predecessor but it's a worthy conclusion to the Infinity War duology and provides a satisfying end to the First Avengers Era.

4. Jake Wilson, The Age (Australia)

Jake wilson the age australia
For young adults who have literally grown up with these movies, the experience may be emotionally overwhelming.

5. Richard Roeper, Chicago Sun-Times

Richard roeper chicago sun times
The Motion Picture Academy never recognizes great acting if it comes attached to a costume or a cape. That doesn't mean Downey isn't deserving of an Oscar. It's great acting in a great film.

6. Kim Newman, Sight and Sound

Kim newman sight and sound
The last-reel battle pretty much has to be the most satisfying superhero movie set piece of all time, delivering the multiple closures this long-in-the-telling saga needs.
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Now That Disney Owns All of Entertainment, They’re Trying to Ruin It

After successfully merging with Fox, Disney is basically the largest entertainment company in the world, they have a virtual monopoly on television and movies. So what does the world look like with Disney in control of most of what we watch?

Well, first of all, Disney doesn’t let repertory theaters play their movies. The “Disney Vault” doesn’t just apply to home video, there are no public screenings of any of their old films, either. And it looks like this policy now applies to the Fox library as well.

Repertory theaters have a big place in our culture. Just as an example, Rocky Horror Picture Show is probably best known for being a staple of midnight matinees where people went in costume and sang along at theaters that had weekly screenings for years or even decades.

Sean, who is a great journalist, also brings up another really good point in the tweet directly after this one.

Sometimes things are “problematic” or dated because movies and television are products of their time. They show us the world the way people saw it, and they’re basically historical artifacts. Sometimes that look might make us uncomfortable, but it’s an important window and it’s important to have art that challenges us and makes us uncomfortable.

You see where I’m going with this, don’t you? Via The Hollywood Reporter:

But even some of those green lights are being met with scrutiny. One source says Horn is questioning the apparent plan to have young characters smoking onscreen in West Side Story. “With Fox, we can make movies that right now I say no to. … We always have to think about the smoking policy. The audience for a Disney movie may not know what they are going to see, but they know what they aren’t going to see,” the exec said in a recent interview with THR. “There are certain things we just can’t include because we’ll get letters.”

Awesome, we can’t show gang members smoking in the 50s, people might get the wrong idea. There’s also this:

There are no plans to make Song of the South available on the $7-per-month offering.

Disney really has it in for Song of the South. It’s because they’re making a bold, moral stance, right Bob Iger?

it wouldn’t be in the best interest of our shareholders to bring it back

Yeah, I thought so. But at least you and the shareholders are taking care of your employees, right? Let’s ask Abigail Disney, daughter of Walt Disney’s brother and partner Roy Disney. Here’s what she said in the Washington Post.

I had to speak out about the naked indecency of chief executive Robert Iger’s pay. According to Equilar, Iger took home more than $65 million in 2018. That’s 1,424 times the median pay of a Disney worker. To put that gap in context, in 1978, the average CEO made about 30 times a typical worker’s salary. Since 1978, CEO pay has grown by 937 percent, while the pay of an average worker grew just 11.2 percent.

I mean, that’s not great, but it’s not like they were spending money that could have gone to employee salaries to keep employee salaries low, right?

Disney has pushed back by noting that it pays more than the $7.25 federal minimum wage. This argument fails to acknowledge that the cost of living varies from place to place and few can make do on that, no matter where they live. It also fails to recognize that the company worked quietly to try to defeat a ballot initiative to lift the minimum wage paid by certain employers to $15 an hour in Anaheim, Calif., which passed this past November.

Okay then. Disney owns roughly 50% of movies made in the US and almost all the content on two of the four major broadcast networks. They use that power to keep theaters from showing classic films, something that could very well mean the end of repertory theaters, because they want people to see their new movies instead. They’re censoring old and new movies to meet some “family friendly” standard that maximizes profits. They’ve fought to make copyright law in this country a draconian nightmare and now they’re campaigning to make income inequality worse.

But hey, maybe Wolverine will be in the next Avengers movie and that will make all of this worth it.

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