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Ashley Massaro Committed Suicide by Hanging, Sources Confirm

Ashley Massaro, the former WWE Superstar and Survivor: China contestant who died late last week at the age of 39, ended her own life via hanging.

So states a new report from TMZ.

Ashley Massaro

The celebrity gossip website quotes "multiple sources" who say Massaro was discovered unconscious inside of her Suffolk County, New York home early Thursday morning.

After the ex-grappler and reality star failed to show up for work at a local radio station, concerns apparently grew over her whereabouts and a call was eventually placed to 911.

Massaro was then transported to a nearby hospital where she was later pronounced dead.

When the tragic news of Massaro's death first went publicm, her cause of death was unknown.

A close friend then confirmed that Ashley committed suicide.

And now we know the means by which she did so.

Ashley Massaro Picture

Massaro won the first-ever WWE Diva Search and competed as a member of this company from 2005 through 2008.

She even wrestled in a pair of Wrestlemanias, the organization's most publicized and popular annual event.

"We are saddened to learn of the tragic death of former WWE Superstar Ashley Massaro," a WWE statement read five days ago.

It added:

"She performed in WWE from 2005-2008 and was beloved by her fellow Superstars and fans around the world. WWE offers its condolences to Ashley’s family and friends."

Massaro was also a cast member on Survivor in 2007 and was voted off on that season's second episode.

Massaro tweet

Prior to her suicide, Massaro had been part of a class action lawsuit against the WWE in which five dozen wrestlers accused the company of failing to protect its employees from repeated head trauma and concussions that eventually caused long-term brain damage.

According to an affidavit Massaro signed in 2017, Ashley was knocked out cold for "five minutes" on one occasion and told to "brush it off" by higher-ups.

Massaro alleged to have “sustained multiple concussions" throughout her wrestling career, along with “hairline fracture in my spine and sustained numerous back injuries."

She was “ultimately diagnosed with herniated discs in C4 and C5 of my vertebrae" and wrote the following two years ago:

“Aside from my on-going physical injuries that were sustained in the ring, and my former battle with addiction, to this day I suffer from depression, for which I take medication; migraine headaches; and severe short-term memory loss.”

We don't wish to speculate, but it sounds very likely that the pain Massaro was in on a constant basis at least contributed to her decision to take her own life.

Ashley Massaro image

One of Massaro’s attorneys has revealed that the former professional wrestler’s brain might be donated to Dr. Bennet Omalu so that it can be researched and the affects of her wrestling career can be analyzed.

Ashley leaves behind an 18-year old daughter named Alex.

In the wake of her mother's passing, Massaro shared two throwback photos and wrote as an emotional caption to one of them:

“i love you mommy i want to wake up in your arms more than anything i want to give u a big hug please come back this cant be real.”

This is just so very sad.

Ashley Massaro throwback

“I can’t even begin to explain how devastated I am to hear about [Ashley Massaro] – legit one of the sweetest people I’ve ever known," wrote fellow ex-wrestler Torrie Wilson in a statement of her own/

She concluded last week:

"When we fall into a dark place it can seem like it will never change but if you are there PLEASE keep hope & reach out for help.”

Well said.

If you or someone you know needs help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Allison Mack Told Fellow Cult Member They Were ‘Sister Wives’

I don’t know how the hell Keith Raniere became a cult leader who got to have kinky, freaky sex with Chloe Sullivan, but you have to hand it to the guy, he’s like the Michael Jordan of running a sex cult. Like, I look at him and I see an ugly dumbass spouting bullshit buzzwords with Allison Mack fawning over him and even though he’s absolutely a garbage person I still have to give him some respect. It’s sort of like how people still like Daenerys even though she burned down King’s Landing.

The latest revelations from the court cases surrounding the NXIVM cult and the exclusive sex cult DOS is that Mack thought of her fellow sex cult members as her sister wives and wanted to raise all their kids together, according to Page Six.

“Now not only do you have a master [Raniere], you have all of these sister wives,” Salzman said the “Smallville” star told her while adding, “We’re going to raise our babies together.”

“Allison was very excited that I joined,” Salzman said.

Mack was already having sex with Raniere, Salzman said. Raniere would go on to coerce Salzman into having threesomes with Mack and him, she has said.

Yikes. Also, I mean… I had that dream in high school, and if I would have known all I needed to do to make it happen was be a shitty motivational speaker and tell Mack I had magic sperm I would have absolutely been doing that. Seriously, Allison, if you read this, I do have magic sperm. Like way more magic than Keith Raniere. That dude has C-grade magic sperm at best. Call me.

The post Allison Mack Told Fellow Cult Member They Were ‘Sister Wives’ appeared first on The Blemish.

Report: Constance Wu Lived in a Filthy Den of Rabbit Shit

Everyone hates Constance Wu now. If you haven’t been following along, it’s because when she found out her successful and beloved television sitcom Fresh Off the Boat was renewed she threw a hissy fit on Twitter because she wanted to be a movie star. Not that she actually, is, she was just in Crazy Rich Asians which, let’s be honest, if it was called Crazy Rich White People would have gotten some truly terrible reviews. And it’s great that Asian people can see themselves in middling romcoms, but if that movie had been on the Hallmark Channel instead of in theaters no one would have blinked an eye.

Now Page Six is reporting that Wu lived in a penthouse that was just rancid with rabbit shit. No, really, she allegedly let her rabbit shit all over the apartment.

One source in the building told Page Six, “Constance’s bunny totally destroyed the place, there was poop and pee everywhere, and the actress had done nothing to clean it up. The animal went all over the entranceway, the living room, the kitchen, the bedroom.”

I have cats, and sometimes cats shit where they’re not supposed to shit, but I clean that shit up. A surprising amount of cat ownership involves cleaning up shit to begin with. I don’t just leave it lying around.

Well, it’s not all bad, I guess, she just expected the housekeeper to clean up the animal shit, it’s not like she slept in a bed covered in rabbit shit or something.

A second source with direct knowledge of the pet pandemonium confirmed, “The place totally stank, it was disgusting, there were little pellets of poo everywhere, and Constance seemed oblivious to it. She seems to sleep with the bunny, and there was even poop in the bed.”

What the fuck, man? If my cat shits on my bed, I immediately wash the sheets.

I can’t even believe this story is real. It’s too convenient. Everyone hates her and all of the sudden she sleeps in a bed full of rabbit shit? But they have multiple sources on this. That shit is cray.

The post Report: Constance Wu Lived in a Filthy Den of Rabbit Shit appeared first on The Blemish.

71-Year-Old Arnold Schwarzenegger Barely Felt Getting Drop-Kicked in the Back

Do not come for Arnold Schwarzenegger. You might be thinking that the retired action star and former California governor is a soft target now that he’s in his 70s but he will fuck you all the way up.

If you don’t believe me, watch him basically shrug off a full-force flying kick in the back during an event in South Africa.

Arnold is 71. For comparison, Donald Trump is 72 and Democratic front-runners Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden are 77 and 76, respectively. Do you think any of those guys could take that kind of kick? All of them would die instantly, and Arnold doesn’t even go down on one knee.

He posted on Twitter about how unphased he was.

That kind of resilience at age 71 has to almost make up for the tiny penis that’s the inevitable result of all that weightlifting.

Seriously, though, look at the reverse-angle video Arnold posted of the incident.

That dude got a running start, leapt into the air and slammed into Arnold when he wasn’t paying attention and he barely moved him. You don’t want to fuck with that guy.

By the way, what the guy was yelling, if you couldn’t make it out, was “Help me, I need a Lamborghini.” Not a great reason to attack the world’s strongest septuagenarian.

Arnold was surprisingly magnanimous about the whole thing.

What a nice guy who could snap your neck with one hand.

The post 71-Year-Old Arnold Schwarzenegger Barely Felt Getting Drop-Kicked in the Back appeared first on The Blemish.

Calvin Klein Had to Apologize Because Bella Hadid Made Out With a Cartoon

The Blemish Dictionary defines “queer baiting” as any time a fictional character people on Twitter want to be gay isn’t. It’s one of the most annoying complaints because it’s always just the whiniest people watching Riverdale and complaining that Betty and Veronica aren’t dating even though they’d be so perfect together, and on top of that it’s also the mean name I always got called in middle school.

The latest supposed incident of queer baiting is a Calvin Klein ad that featured Bella Hadid making out with a CGI model called Lil Miquela. Sounds hot, this is the whole reason I bought a Sailor Jupiter body pillow. I mean, it was a joke, a gag gift, I don’t lovingly caress it at night, shut up.

That’s what these people are getting bent out of shape about?

Apparently, it’s offensive to have a straight actor play a gay character now, or just kiss a cartoon in a commercial.

This is why so many gay actors stay in the closet or claim to be bisexual until people are like “That’s not real, you’re just crazy like Anne Heche.” Because believe it or not, gay actors would like to get roles as straight characters, too. There’s actually a lot more of them and the whole point of acting is that the character you play isn’t like you in every way. For example, Lisa Kudrow is actually really smart and all of the guys on The Big Bang Theory are really dumb.

But I digress because Calvin Klein actually apologized for this, so, good job whiny internet nerds.

The offensive part to me is saying that “This specific campaign was created to challenge conventional norms and stereotypes in advertising.” It was created to sell underpants.

By the way, is the sexy cartoon character 18?

She has so many things to do, you guys. She’s just like us, only not real.

For christ’s sakes, whoever had the idea to make Tony the Tiger act like a real person on social media is probably a billionaire now. And if someone made out with Tony in a commercial, it wouldn’t be bestiality.

The post Calvin Klein Had to Apologize Because Bella Hadid Made Out With a Cartoon appeared first on The Blemish.

Emily Ratajkowski Gets Naked, Logan Paul Draws Dicks to Protest Alabama Abortion Law

Alabama’s state government recent passed an extremely draconian law outlawing abortion in the state, despite the fact that as worded it has almost no chance of surviving a constitutional challenge in the Supreme Court. This has served to draw a lot of attention to the state from even the most apolitical celebrities, so it’s no surprise that someone as politically active as Emily Ratajkowski would have a strong opinion to express.

Thankfully, the way Emily Ratajkowski protests is by getting pretty much all the way naked on Instagram.

This is really the form all political action should take. If nothing else, people would never stop begging Chelsea Clinton and Meghan McCain to get out of politics.

Logan Paul, who is normally just the biggest bumblefuck on the planet used his particular brand of brain-dead sophomoric humor for good, as well.

Drawing dicks on politicians isn’t the most  mature thing in the world, but I’ll take it. It’s absolutely the best thing Logan Paul has done in his entire life.

Josh Gad wins, though, taking a swipe at all people upset that Game of Thrones made them feel emotions while bringing attention to the issue. Good for him.

The post Emily Ratajkowski Gets Naked, Logan Paul Draws Dicks to Protest Alabama Abortion Law appeared first on The Blemish.

Pull the Lever For Me: Danish Politician Advertises His Campaign on PornHub

You know, it’s pretty hard to have a decent experience on the Internet. Imagine you’re just minding your own business watching some porn and boom! Some guy pops up with a political ad. That’s disgusting, I don’t want my hypothetical children exposed to that kind of filth when they’re surreptitiously looking at pornography on the family computer while I’m asleep after a hard day in the hot take mines.

But that’s just the kind of filth that Danish politician Joachim B Olsen thinks is appropriate to show on a wholesome website like PornHub. According to the Copenhagen Post, the former Olympic silver medal shot put thrower  is running this ad on the adult website.

“Når du er færdig med at gokke, så stem på Jokke” (when you finish wanking, vote for Jokke’ [a nickname for Joachim]) it reads.

He even confirmed his campaign ran the ad on his Facebook page in the least-interesting social media post to ever start “Yes, that’s me on PornHub.”

His reasoning is actually pretty sound.

“You need to get out everywhere, so we thought it could be amusing with an ad on Pornhub. Half the internet is porn and you need to be where the voters are – including a porn site,” Olsen told DR Nyheder.

That’s a good point, plus all the free advertising he gets from websites covering his ads as if it were actually newsworth… oh son of a bitch. Damn you, Olsen, I’m sending you a bill for this prime internet real estate here.

The post Pull the Lever For Me: Danish Politician Advertises His Campaign on PornHub appeared first on The Blemish.

Jake Paul Under Investigation For Allegedly Pulling a Cosby at Weekend Party

Jake Paul took a break from banging fellow YouTube thot Tana Mongeau this weekend to throw a birthday party for rapper Desiigner who I guess is a real person. This was one of Jake Paul’s worst ideas ever, and that’s really saying something because look at all the other dumb as shit things he’s done in his life.

According to The Independent, Paul is now under investigation for drugging a woman at this party. Now, I don’t think he’s been accused of… doing anything to the woman when she was drugged, but it’s still massively fucked up.

“On Sunday, May 5, 2019, the Malibu Lost Hills Sheriff’s Station was made aware of a possible single occurrence of unwillful impairment related to a party attended on May 4, 2019,” the spokesperson said. “Detectives are in the beginning stages of information gathering for the incident. The Sheriff’s Department treats allegations such as these seriously, and will use all known resources to investigate.”

Also a Facebook post said that there was more than one young woman who was drugged.

“The house was a mansion filled with young people,” the parent wrote in a post shared on social media. “She ended up in the hospital with eight other girls who had been drugged and ended up at West Hills Hospital incoherent. Something was put in their drinks.”

That’s really rapey. I don’t know why you’re drugging people’s drinks if you’re not at least thinking about raping them.

Now, to be clear here, this isn’t just an allegation against Jake Paul specifically. It was his party, but as far as we know police haven’t named him or anyone as a suspect, and another guest could have been responsible, not just Paul.

But come on, is anyone surprised to read the words “Jake Paul” and “Drugged Women” in the same headline? I took one look at that guy and my first thought was “I wouldn’t be surprised if he has a roofie guy on speed dial.”

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Loot Boxes in Games Like ‘Fortnite’ May Be Illegal if Senate Bill Passes

Fortnite recently ditched it’s blind loot box monetization model, which turned out to be a real prescient move now that Senator Josh Hawley (R-MO) has introduced a bill that would make the practice illegal. Hawley’s bill would ban loot boxes and other pay-to-win mechanics in games for children. Here’s what Haley said, via NBC.

“Social media and video games prey on user addiction, siphoning our kids’ attention from the real world and extracting profits from fostering compulsive habits. No matter this business model’s advantages to the tech industry, one thing is clear: there is no excuse for exploiting children through such practices,” Sen. Hawley said.

“When a game is designed for kids, game developers shouldn’t be allowed to monetize addiction. And when kids play games designed for adults, they should be walled off from compulsive microtransactions. Game developers who knowingly exploit children should face legal consequences.”

I’m with him except for the kids part. Just make this shit illegal period. It’s predatory and it’s killing the ability of actual games to exist because who wants to sell a game once for $60 when you can squeeze hundreds of dollars a month out of people.

Honestly, this is something that’s long overdue and much needed. South Park nailed this particular issue years ago.

We keep seeing movies where some kid spent $50,000 AUS on a mobile game popping up into the news and we haven’t done anything about it. That’s over $35,000 in real money! How could someone possibly spend that much money on a video game? The game was Game of War: Fire Age, which means it was basically all spent speeding up the construction of virtual buildings. One adult embezzled a million dollars to spend on this game, and that article says the average player spends $550 a year on it. Red Dead Redemption 2 was $60. That’s like… ten Red Dead Redemptions.

It was bad enough when games started locking half the content behind paid DLC, but at least that was just a one-time purchase. Now video games are bilking a million dollars out of a single person. Do you know how many games of Pac-Man a million dollars would buy? You can just buy a Ms. Pac-Man table for like, $1,200 and just set it to free play. I don’t know what kind of system you have to have in place to get someone to spend a million dollars on a video game, but I’m certain it should be illegal.

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Crazy Video from Inside the Burning Russian Plane That Crashed

Here’s video that shows what happens when lightning strikes your plane, catches fire and you get stuck in the back with no way to escape because idiots in front of you just have to have their precious carry-on luggage.

An Aeroflot jet crashed in Moscow on Sunday, killing at least 40 people. Sadly, most of the people who died had seats at the back of the plane. And wouldn’t you know it, it’s dumbass people who caused their deaths. From the New York Times:

Russian news media reported that some passengers had insisted on grabbing their carry-on bags before leaving the burning wreckage — a violation of basic emergency protocol that would have slowed the evacuation.

“Not without my toiletry bag!”

This being Russia, you’d think there’d be like dashcam videos everywhere of this.

I guess this is kinda dashcam video.

Look at these tools running off with their luggage while people burn inside. File under people will always be stupid.

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Suri Cruise Wants to Be a Model Now. I’m Sure She’ll Achieve It on Her Own Talent and Not Nepotism

I’m 100% sure that when Suri Cruise gets to high school she’s going to be voted most likely to watch her parents get arrested for bribing a college official. We all see that coming, right? Well, Suri is only 13, but according to RadarOnline she’s ready to be a model.

“Modeling agencies are practically beating Katie’s door down to sign Suri up,” a source exclusively told Radar.

With offers ahead, “Suri’s really excited — she’s very much a little performer.”

Oh, I’m sure she is. I’m sure that the reason everyone wants to sign Suri Cruise is because she’s a modelling prodigy. It’s absolutely not just because she has famous parents. In fact, having famous parents is a sign that you’ll also be good at anything; just look at how great an actress Sophia Coppola turned out to be and how good Edsel Ford was at having cars named after him.

But Suri’s mother, Katie Holmes, isn’t that keen on her teenage daughter growing up as a model.

“She was basically a child star herself, and isn’t sure if she wants Suri growing up in the industry,” the source explained of the former Dawson’s Creek teen star.

Her father doesn’t care what she does because she’s a suppressive person and he’s daddy Miscavige’s good boy. Gee, a teenage model with daddy issues. She’s going to grow up just fine and nothing like every character in one of Woody Allen’s films.

Why do modelling agencies even want to sign a 13-year-old? Is she going to be walking the runway with all the other 13-year-olds? Or are all the top agencies just really excited to represent the new face of Old Navy Kids?

I’m not 100% sure, but I believe that getting her 13-year-old daughter a lucrative modeling contract is essentially the reason Marie Antoinette got her head chopped off.

The post Suri Cruise Wants to Be a Model Now. I’m Sure She’ll Achieve It on Her Own Talent and Not Nepotism appeared first on The Blemish.

Kelsey Merritt is the First Filipino ‘Sports Illustrated’ Model

I don’t know how, but Sports Illustrated has apparently never had a Filipino model in it’s famous swimsuit issue until this year. But if you’re the Philippines, you could do a lot worse than to have the first person to represent you be Kelsey Merritt.

That’s what she looks like after a red-eye flight. Yeah.

View this post on Instagram

Can stay in this all day 😌💫🎀 @victoriassecret

A post shared by Kelsey Merritt (@kelseymerritt) on

She’s got some long-ass toes going on. Those things could be fingers.

View this post on Instagram

Take a walk on the wild side 🐆

A post shared by Kelsey Merritt (@kelseymerritt) on

I guess finger toes make it easier to climb trees, at any rate.

View this post on Instagram

Counting the days til I’m back home!! ☀☀☀

A post shared by Kelsey Merritt (@kelseymerritt) on

The swimsuit issue is just around the corner, and I’m sure we’ll be seeing plenty more of Kelsey.

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Jared Leto Carries Spare Head of Himself at Met Gala

So many head jokes here

The post Jared Leto Carries Spare Head of Himself at Met Gala appeared first on The Blemish.

Austin Jones Sentenced to 10 Years in Jail on Child Pornography Charges

Austin Jones, a long-time YouTube star who preyed upon his enormous teenage following by coercing young girls to send him sexually explicit videos, was sentenced in a Chicago federal court yesterday to 10 years in prison.

The 26-year old was arrested in 2017 two counts of production of child pornography.

Austin Jones

He later confessed to enticing six underage girls to send him X-Rated videos of themselves, according to a plea agreement made available to the public last February.

The girls were as young as 14 years old.

Jones amassed his large following mostly by singing a cappella covers of famous songs.

Prosecutors pushed for an 11-year prison sentence on Friday, although he faced a maximum of 20 years.

The lawyers who argued in court against the star said Jones "preyed on their youth, their vulnerabilities and most glaringly, their adoration of him," per the Associated Press.


A defense filing contended Jones' life was "marred with abuse, pain, loss and death," asserting he suffered sexual abuse as a child and trying to use that incident as a defense for his actions.

Alas, this argument did not hold much weight with the judge.

"Production and receipt of child pornography are extraordinarily serious offenses that threaten the safety of our children and communities," Assistant U.S. Attorney Katherine Neff Welsh said in the government's sentencing memorandum, adding:

"Jones' actions took something from his victims and their families that they will never be able to get back."

According to the Department of Justice, Jones would tell young girls to submit nude videos of themselves as a way to "prove" their fandom.

more jones

He also promised these young girls modeling opportunities and a chance to grow their own social media following.

In June of 2015, before he was even arrester, Jones shared a 16-minute YouTube video in which he looked directly into the camera and admitted that he used to ask fans to send him twerking videos.

But that's where he drew the line, Jones said.

"Nothing ever went further than twerking videos," he said back then. "There were never any nudes, never any physical contact."

Jones had more than than 534,000 YouTube subscribers and over 41 million total video views at the time of his arrest.

austin j

In one exchange documented by the government, Jones acknowledged he shouldn't be talking to a 14-year-old due to her age.

He repeatedly told her, though, that she was "so lucky" she had his attention, continuing:

"If you're lucky, maybe I'd let you suck my dick."

When the teenager said she didn't want either of them to get in trouble over the footage she was recording, he replied:

"I guess you really aren't my biggest fan .....ok then."

auston gr

In addition to giving the girls suggestions for poses and underwear choices, Jones often gave them "lines" to recite to him.

One example?

"At the beginning, get super close and say these lines: hey Austin, it's (name) and this butt is (age) years old and then make it clap for 30 seconds. Got it?" 

It doesn't get too much more disgusting than everything chronicled here.

Chewbacca Actor Peter Mayhew Has Died at 74

Today is a sad day for Star Wars fans as another one of the original cast members has passed away. Peter Mayhew, who played Chewbacca in all three Star Wars movies and that Christmas special that Jefferson Starship and Bea Arthur were in for some reason, was 74 when he died from a heart attack

The actor’s death was announced on social media by his family.

Mayhew is the fourth main cast member of Star Wars to die, following Sir Alec Guinness in 2000, and Kenny Baker  and Carrie Fisher in 2016.

One interesting tidbit is that at the end of Star Wars, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker get medals while Chewbacca doesn’t. Mayhew used to point out that Chewbacca has the last line in the movie, but 20 years later at the MTV Movie Awards, Carrie Fisher finally gave Peter Mayhew a medal.

Man, even though that was meant as a joke, watching it now is all sorts of bittersweet.

Some of Mayhew’s surviving castmates offered their sympathy.

Harrison Ford made a statement to The Hollywood Reporter.

Peter Mayhew was a kind and gentle man, possessed of great dignity and noble character. These aspects of his own personality, plus his wit and grace, he brought to Chewbacca. We were partners in film and friends in life for over 30 years and I loved him. He invested his soul in the character and brought great pleasure to the Star Wars audience.

Chewbacca was an important part of the success of the films we made together. He knew how important the fans of the franchise were to its continued success and he was devoted to them. I and millions of others will never forget Peter and what he gave us all.  My thoughts are with his dear wife Angie and his children. Rest easy, my dear friend….

JJ Abrams, who directed Mayhew in The Force Awakens, also sent his condolences to Mayhew’s family.

Peter Mayhew never really found success as an actor outside of playing Chewbacca, but he was beloved by fans all around the world and, when he was healthy, was a mainstay on the convention circuit. Mayhew’s had medical problems over the past few years, including having his knees replaced, but throughout it all, he smiled for his fans in photos from the hospital. He may be gone and he may have only had one film role, but it’s a role that will ensure he’s remembered fondly by future generations.

The post Chewbacca Actor Peter Mayhew Has Died at 74 appeared first on The Blemish.

Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas Just Eloped

I’ve always thought Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner were a cute couple. Sure they come off as kind of prudish since he’s famous for wearing one of those weird purity rings that Christian kids wear to show they only do butt and hand stuff and she’s literally the only cast member on Game of Thrones whose tits we haven’t seen, but they’re still cute. Sophie learned what a blowjob was by reading the scripts for Game of Thrones, how cute is that?

The adorable couple skipped the Billboard Music Awards after parties and decided to get married in Vegas instead. Seriously. E! had the story.

E! News can confirm the Jonas Brothers member and Game of Thrones star are officially husband and wife after obtaining a marriage license on Wednesday, May 1.

E!’s Instagram also rehosted video posted of the ceremony by Diplo that showed the couple being married by an Elvis impersonator.

I guess, after a long and exhaustive search, there’s only one sausage for sexy weirdo Sophie Turner after all.

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You gotta live the life mayn

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Okay, two.

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Jake Paul and Tana Mongeau Are Dating, and Their Nightmare Spawn Will Open the Fifth Seal

Tana Mongeau has taken a break from looking for makeup slaves to spend some quality time with Jake Paul, the most annoying person on the Internet. I still honestly don’t know why Jake Paul is famous. I’ve tried everything to understand it except for watching his videos for more than 30 seconds because I value my mental health.

Apparently Paul revealed his relationship with Mongeau in a video on his channel.

Okay, that’s 25 minutes long. You know what you can watch in the time it would take to watch that? Something actually good like an episode of 30 Rock or How I Met Your Mother. And yes, I have seen them all at least five times but I’d still way rather watch them again then even one second of this, so I’m getting a recap of it from The Daily Dot, a news site roughly as reputable as we are.

Though Paul kept referring to Mongeau as a good friend—basically winking at the audience for the entirety of his vlog—it appears the two are more than that. Or maybe they’re not. After all, YouTube relationships and breakups are faked all the time for pageviews and notoriety.

Awesome, so it might not even be real. Tana also has a new video out about it.

18 minutes. Total runtime of these two videos: an entire John Mulaney stand-up special on Netflix. I like The Comeback Kid but they’re all great.

You know, unless we take immediate action on climate change, it’s going to kill us all. And I now welcome that inevitable entropy because it’s way better than whatever the hell is happening in these videos.

Did Jake Paul invent those sneakers you inflate with little basketball on the tongue? Is that why he’s famous?

It’s probably lucky for him he’s famous on YouTube, from the looks of him his only other options involve low-level travelling carnival work or renting surfboards.

The post Jake Paul and Tana Mongeau Are Dating, and Their Nightmare Spawn Will Open the Fifth Seal appeared first on The Blemish.

‘Teen Mom’ Star Jenelle Evans is Considering Divorce After Husband Murdered Her Dog

It takes a… special kind of person to be on an MTV reality show. They really kind of look for equal parts stupid and evil in their shows. They really hit the jackpot with Teen Mom 2 star Jenelle Evans’ husband David Eason. Not only did Eason murder Evans’ dog for basically no reason, he basically bragged about it on Instagram.

Hicktownking is a very appropriate handle, I think. He also posted this in case you thought that maybe the dog murderer calling himself “Big ol’ Honky” wasn’t a racist.

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This is a #maga shirt, dont get it twisted.

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What do you think the over/under is on the number of times he says the n-word in a day? I’d probably take the over no matter what number you put it at.

Here’s the basic story: Evans’ little French Bulldog Nugget sort of nipped at Evans and Eason’s daughter, didn’t actually break the skin, and Eason decided he needed to take the dog out to the woods and shoot it because he feels bad about having a tiny little penis, a penis well below the average penis size. Like, after his wife leaves him, when he sends dick pics to meth-heads on Tinder they’re going to call the FBI because there’s no way an adult has a penis that small. At least that’s what I assume based on the fact that he’s the sort of guy who kills a tiny lapdog to prove how manly he is.

Thankfully, Janelle told Us Magazine that she’s thinking about divorcing him.

“David and I are not on talking terms,” the 16 and Pregnant alum tells Us. “I’m too hurt and upset at the fact he did that. It’s taking time to get over this whole situation, and it’s making me feel he’s very cruel and doesn’t have a heart on many ends.”

Yeah, he’s a piece of shit and you should divorce him. Also, you should have him arrested.

Shortly before news of the dog incident broke, Evans hinted that there was trouble in paradise. She wrote on Facebook that she was “feeling devastated” and also posted videos of herself listening to Ariana Grande’s breakup song “In My Head.”

Man, did he just kill her dog out of spite? I dunno, maybe if there was some proof he was a piece of shit in a general way.

MTV fired Eason after he posted homophobic tweets. The pair made headlines again in October 2018 when Evans accused her husband of assault, but she later called the situation “a drunk and dramatic misunderstanding.”

Oh, man, the divorce filing is gonna be so lit.

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It’s Channing Tatum Naked and Holding His Junk

Ladies, feast your eyes on Channing Tatum cupping his balls and being sprayed with water like a sex toy.

Evidently, Tatum lost a bet to Jessica Cornish [Ed. note: Jessie J, his girlfriend] at a game of Jenga. He captioned his Instagram:

 lost a game of Jenga to Jessica Cornish.
The loser (me) had to post a picture the other person (Jessica Cornish) picked… Smh and fml… I’m never playing Jenga with her ever again… 🚿 + 🐰 📸@jessiej

See? That’s how we know he lost a bet. We call this “reporting.”

Celebs commented on the pic. Like Halle Berry who only posted “😂😂💀”.

Marlon Wayans said “I been there… but my Jenga game is dope as fuck.”

Olivia Culpo said “I think you just broke the internet,” but c’mon, no guy’s gonna break the internet.

No idea what Jessica Cornish would’ve done had SHE lost. I wanna see that.

Another thing: Tatum sure has some tiny calves. Dude needs to do more calf raises.

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R. Kelly Decided to Just Not Show Up to Court

In February, a day before Kelly was arrested on 10 charges of sexual abuse, a woman named HW claimed R. Kelly repeatedly had sex with her when she was 16 and still considered a minor in Illinois. He lost the civil court case on Thursday because he decided to not show up.

It’s unclear what R. Kelly’s legal strategy was but if it was “If the judge can’t see me, he can’t sentence me” he may need to stop representing himself.

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Olivia Munn Isn’t Going to Take It Anymore

Olivia Munn is tired of the blogs. The snarky writers who snipe at celebrities from behind the safe, warm glow of their laptops. She knows she’s famous and fair game, but Munn decided enough is enough. So she took a stand with a two screenshot essay railing against the acerbic and super problematic blog, uh, Go Fug Yourself?

Munn wrote a multi-paragraph missive because Go Fug Yourself, probably the least mean-spirited blog about celebrity fashion, wrote something slightly critical about something she wore. If you’ve ever read the site, it’s probably the most milquetoast of all the blogs out there. Even when they’re mean, they’re nice. So everyone was kind of scratching their heads when Munn made such a big of a deal out of this post.

Okay, I might have exaggerated with that headline a little bit, except that I DO say “oh my God, Olivia Munn” ALL THE TIME and I DID say it when I saw this photo, even if this look is objectively not as terrifying as the last time I said it, which was extremely recently. That post is literally titled, “Oh My God, Olivia Munn.” This is just kinda like she got roped into making a sequel to American Hustle that ended up going straight to on-demand. Things could be worse.

Those bitches, right? She wrote that GFY is “at the forefront” of “the perpetual minimization of women” and that they “shouldn’t get away with spewing vitriol.” Her entire essay is an echoing of the current culture of body positivity and everyone loving each other. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, but going against GFY is probably the wrong hill to die on. The hill she wants to die on is 50 miles in the other direction.

This is just too bad because it’s going to viewed as how detached some celebrities are from reality. They’re surrounded by so many sycophants that anything perceived as a slight is an attack on them when it’s actually a clever joke that flew right over their head.

This isn’t the first time a celebrity has completely missed the point either. I even found out that this site has had at least one completely miss the joke.

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Britney Spears is Free

After spending a month in a mental health facility, Britney Spears has checked herself out and gone home. So good for her.

You might remember that rumors had started to spring up that Spears was being held against her will as a part of some nefarious plot involving her conservatorship. Her mother threw gasoline on that fire by liking things on social media about it.

But Britney herself went on Instagram a few days ago to dispel those rumors.

According to TMZ, Spears problems have been due to an issue with her medication.

We broke the story … Spears checked herself out of the facility, but she’s still dealing with a big unresolved issue with her meds. Doctors are still working on the right formula for her, but call it “a work in progress.” Translation … she’s still not right because the meds are off, but they’re making progress.

See, there was a reasonable, non-conspiracy theory explanation the whole time. The only conspiracy theory that’s true is the one about the royal family being lizard people. I mean, have you seen Prince Philip? There’s no way that guy isn’t a lizard.

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Blac Chyna May Have Been Lying About Getting Into Harvard

I feel bad for Blac Chyna. Anyone who had to sleep with Rob Kardashian deserves a healthy amount of pity. But she also keeps doing dumb shit so I feel less sorry for her.

Her latest dumbfuck exploit is going around telling people she got into Harvard when Harvard says she didn’t. And not even Harvard, Harvard Business School Online.

Basically, early yesterday Blac Chyna called TMZ up and said “Hey, I’m going to Harvard.” She even sent them an acceptance letter. Harvard, however, said they have no record of her.

The reality star/former stripper got her admissions letter Monday, inviting her to take a course called Business Analytics … teaching students how to interpret data and make savvy business decisions. The course is a substantial time investment — 40 hours over 8 weeks.

Okay, so, here’s what is going on. Harvard Business School Online is not Harvard Business School. It’s run by Harvard, but it’s more like… You know sometimes community colleges will have cooking classes and stuff on the weekends for people who aren’t enrolled there? This is sort of like that. It’s for people who want to get their MBA but don’t know anything about business.

So when TMZ says this:

Harvard tells TMZ … “Harvard Business School Online has not admitted nor provided an acceptance letter to a person named Angela White.”

It means that not only did Blac Chyna not get into Harvard, she didn’t get into the Harvard Online Daycamp people use to spice up their resume. My advice to Blac Chyna is to try to get accepted as part of the Online Crew Team, or donate an online library.

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Mehan Markle Is Pissing Off the Media With Her ‘Privacy’

Meghan Markle is a real piece of work. She had the balls to marry Prince Harry and now she’s choosing not to splash her and Harry’s first born across every magazine in the UK and US. This bitch is trying to keep her baby private like some sort of human being with “agency” and “choice”. Reports say Markle has decided to not let 300 cameras give her baby a seizure on the hospital steps after she gives birth which has pissed off everyone in the media. Like, what right does she have to do this to us?

According to Brown, the press “have always believed the royal boys are theirs” and “felt very protective” of Prince William and Harry. “But again, these boys are not children anymore,” she said.

“Now they’ve got their own agency, and the press don’t like it. They want them to still be, you know, theirs,” Brown added.

I’m not sure who this “press” is but no one actually cares. Every time a celebrity baby is on the cover of PEOPLE they always look like the same misshapen potato as the last one. And why does anyone want this? Isn’t your Facebook feed of monthly baby announcements enough? Wait a couple of months and this chick’s IG feed will be so insufferable that you’ll have no choice but to mute it.

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Bill Cosby is Trying To Get Released From Prison on Bail

Bill Cosby really doesn’t want to die in prison. To that end, he’s trying every legal maneuver he and his lawyers can think of to get him out while he goes through the appeals process, presumably to try and run out the clock. It’s not a terrible idea if you’re Bill Cosby, honestly, he’s no spring chicken.

His current strategy is basically trying to say that the judge has it in for him and is dragging his feet in releasing an opinion on the case that is required before his appeal can begin. Via ABC:

The attorneys claim O’Neill had a “longstanding personal and political feud” with former Montgomery County District Attorney Bruce Castor. Cosby’s defense considers Castor a key witness since Castor originally declined to prosecute Cosby back in 2005. O’Neill and Castor had run against each other for Montgomery County district attorney in 1999.

The application also argues that Cosby is not a danger to the community because of his advanced age and blindness.

They do have a point with last one, his raping days are behind him pretty much no matter what. He also called the judge a racist, but that wasn’t part of his legal strategy, just trying to get the public on his side.

The appeals process can take years, and who knows how much longer Cosby is planning on living. It can’t be that long, right? But I’m pretty sure the second he’s out of jail he and Mortimer Ichabod Marker are going to hop in a private plane and fly off to some private island where rape is legal and there’s no extradition treaty.

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Offset Just Got Cardi B Back, Now He’s In Legal Trouble Over His Gun

Fun fact: felons generally aren’t allowed to have guns. I’m not sure how I feel about that because while I believe that we need to stop punishing people who have paid their debt to society with things like long-term bans on certain things, I’d put a lot more energy into getting voting rights for felons reinstated rather than gun rights. But the law is what it is and when you have a kid you probably shouldn’t have guns to begin with anyway.

Offset has a young child (who is adorable, by the way) and he’s a convicted felon, so he really shouldn’t have a gun. But he did and cops found it during a traffic stop for an improper lane change. Now TMZ is reporting that Offset is facing felony charges for having a gun while being a convicted felon.

Prosecutors filed 3 charges against the rapper in February, stemming from his July 2018 arrest where he was pulled over for allegedly making an improper lane change.

The Clayton County D.A.’s Office tells TMZ … Offset’s facing a felony charge for firearms possession by a convicted felon, along with misdemeanor charges for marijuana possession and that lane change.

How is an improper lane change a misdemeanor and not an infraction?

He entered a plea of not guilty last month and his next court date is scheduled for May.

We broke the story … the Migos rapper’s lawyer believes Offset was targeted because he’s rich, successful and black, and believes the cop’s initial traffic stop was completely bogus.

Having lived on this planet for more than a single day, that seems incredibly likely. But you gotta get your shit together, Offset. Cardi B took you back, you have a kid, you have to step it up and not have a gun. You don’t need a gun, you have “hire a guy to hold my gun and weed” money now.

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Happy Easter from mines to yours ❤

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Look at little Kulture, she’s so cute!

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Robin Holzken Gives a Preview of Her Upcoming ‘Sports Illustrated’ Shoot

It’s the most swimsuitest time of the year. Christmas and Easter are over and that means it’s almost time for my favorite holiday, Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue day. I mean, I have been observing it since I was in high school after all. Of course, that was before I had internet porn, so I’m not the most faithful follower, but it’s still exciting.

For example, Robin Holzken is going to be in this year’s magazine and she’s been showing us what we’ll be seeing on Instagram, a website that is sort of like the Sunday service version of SISI Day.

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Happy Easter!! #🐰 #🐣

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How beautiful and kind nature is 💚

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God damn tortoises coming into our country and stealing our swimsuit models.

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Me holding onto the weekend like..

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Setlife @victoriassecret ✨

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It’s too bad the Swimsuit Issue only comes once a year. Thankfully they really milk that shit and start hyping next year’s magazine in like, August.

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Pete Davidson’s Life Still Full of Questionable Choices

His new back tattoo is an angel smoking a cigarette that he got while watching Game of Thrones.

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📸 @marcusrussellprice

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Is Donald And Melania Trump’s Sham Marriage On the Rocks?

Being the President of the United States is hard, stressful work. You can see the way the job visibly ages the occupant of the oval office. You’ve got to check Twitter, watch Fox News, send tweets from the bathroom at 2 a.m., buy fast food for college kids, pass some tariffs and sanctions to cripple our economy, get on Twitter to take half an hour between threaded tweets… it’s a lot of work.

I’m assuming that’s what other presidents did, at any rate, I can’t even really remember what that was like, it’s been so long. Were there even other presidents? I seem to remember a guy who did a movie with a monkey and then someone with severe brain damage in a cowboy hat, but it all seems so long ago.

SO it makes sense that with all that stress it would start to take a toll on your marriage, especially if it’s a sham marriage where you were out banging porn stars while your wife was still breastfeeding. People reports that the President and the First Lady were seen fighting at Mar-a-Lago recently.

“Melania was upset and they had words with each other over something,” the source tells PEOPLE. The couple was eating together in the club’s dining area on March 30.

It remains unclear what the issue was, according to this source.

“Donald, you’re doing to the entire country what I let you do to me once a month to earn my allowance; fucking them sidewise and leaving them disappointed.”

Mrs. Trump’s spokeswoman, Stephanie Grisham, disputed the witness’ account as “completely false” but did not elaborate — instead telling PEOPLE, “I’d encourage the anonymous source to say such things on the record.”

I don’t know, I’m prone to believe People’s anonymous source. Given everything I know about them, which is literally nothing, weighed against everything I know about the Trumps, it seems the anonymous person, who could be anyone, literally anyone, is more credible.

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Charlize Theron’s 7-Year-Old Is Transgender

In a story published by the Daily Mail, Charlize Theron revealed her 7-year-old adopted boy is now a girl. According to the article, Charlize said, “Yes, I thought she was a boy, too.  Until she looked at me when she was three years old and said: ‘I am not a boy!'”

Ever since then, Charlize has been raising Jackson as a girl which is what’s being used to explain away the fact that Jackson is always out wearing dresses.

No other publication has confirmed this story so it could either be true, made up or something Charlize said as a joke. I’m not really sure. What I do know is that kids are stupid. I’m sure if when I was 3 and I told my mom I was a girl and wanted to wear dresses all day, she’d probably give in because 3-year-olds are goddamn annoying.

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