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Farewell PyeongChang: The 2018 Winter Olympics in Review

The Winter Olympics has come and gone, and Norway has set a record for the most medals won by a single country in the Winter Games at 39, a record previously held by the United States, who won 37 medals in 2010. But in a way, we’re all winners because we all shared in the glory of international brotherhood and friendly competition. In another, more accurate way, I’m the real winner because instead of the Olympics, I watched a bunch of episodes of The Chef and My Fridge on Netflix (we love you Kim Poong!).

The games got off to an interesting start as athletes arriving in Olympic village were greeted by statues of giant penis monsters. I can only assume these were part of the promotion for some sort of pornographic Cloverfield sequel called something like Cloverfield Does Dallas. You’ll leave the theater wondering if anyone really had sex at all.

On the Olympic diplomacy front, US Vice President Mike Pence managed to be completely upstaged by Kim Yo-jong, the sister of Kim Jong-un, which is a real accomplishment when you consider that South Korea lives with the constant threat of Kim’s brother obliterating them with nuclear weapons and the United States is South Korea’s staunchest ally. But she at least had the decency to stand up and politely applaud when countries other than her own were being introduced at the opening ceremonies. Also, Kim brought 200 of the most beautiful women in the world with her, while Pence just brought his wife, whom he calls Mother.

Even though there was no hockey thanks to the NHL not giving players a break to participate and Russia was barred from competing at the games because of their state-run doping scheme, Russia won the gold medal in hockey by defeating the Germans 4-3. It’s essentially what happened in World War II only without America there to take credit for it.

As if Canada’s bronze medal in men’s hockey wasn’t embarrassing enough, they also had to watch as both the women’s hockey and their other national pastime, curling, were both won by the United States, their first ever gold medal in the “sport”. The women’s curling gold went to Sweden, but Canada managed to cling to the last shred of their dignity by winning the gold in mixed-doubles curling, which is still kind of sad seeing as how Canada is the only country that gives even a semblance of a fuck about curling. Any sense of national pride for the Canadians was short-lived as their Prime Minister was, at that very moment, in India dressing up like an extra in a Bollywood film’s wedding scene and ending every sentence with “namaste”.

In a story that might inspire a sequel to Cool Runnings, Jamaica fielded a women’s bobsled team for the first time. The team finished next to last, but they didn’t get caught doping while doing what’s basically a hobby for kids with a snow day, so they have their pride. What they didn’t have was a bobsled, because one of their coaches, Sandra Kiriasis, took it with her when she was fired, which would make a great all is lost moment in Cool Runnings 2: 2 Cool, 2 Runnings. Just saying. Call me if you need a writer for your direct-to-video disaster, though, Hollywood. You made Bright, don’t tell me my idea is too stupid, that ship has sailed.

American figure skater Adam Rippon won a bronze medal, becoming the first openly gay male athlete from the United States to win an Olympic medal. The first closeted gay male athlete to win an Olympic medal is every other male figure skater in the history of the Olympics. The first lesbian to win an Olympic medal was probably a soccer player. They don’t have golf at the Olympics, do they? They do, but it was just added in 2016? Okay, yeah, soccer.

Speaking of figure skating, the rinks really started to heat up in the ice humping competition. Excuse me, I meant to say ice dancing. Wait, that’s not right either, let me check my notes… okay, it’s ice fucking. Anyway, this is an event where a male and female skater take to the ice and try to land moves like a triple lutz into reverse cowgirl. Two skaters’ tops came off, and one, French skater Gabriella Papadakis, had her entire breast fully exposed on worldwide television. Doubly embarrassing for Papadakis is that said breast was nowhere near as large as her nose. Despite the wardrobe malfunction, Papadakis and her partner Guillaume Cizeron got the silver medal, with judges saying they would have given them the gold had she gone full frontal.

Just outside the actual Olympics was the robot Olympics, where South Korean ski-bot Taekwon V won the world’s first robot skiing event, a sport only slightly less stupid than rhythmic gymnastics. No one was really talking about it, even though Taekwon V was tiny and adorable in his little snowsuit, because people only care about robots that can either kill them or fuck them, apparently. Although I suppose a robot skiing isn’t that much of an accomplishment, I’m pretty sure I can build a robot that can fall down a mountain without even breaking out a soldering iron.

And so ends another Olympics. This year’s games, more than most, really brought the world together. Mainly because we were all praying that Donald Trump wouldn’t say something more idiotic than usual to provoke Kim Jong-un into dropping a nuclear bomb on PyeongChang, which there was probably a 50/50 chance of, honestly. Luckily for us, he was too busy trying to convince Ivanka to try ice dancing with him to cause an international incident.

‘I Don’t Do Doping’ Girl Caught Doping

Oh, Winter Olympics, I’m going to miss you when you’re gone. You may not have had hockey or Russia, but you had weird cock statues and titties and that’s good enough for me. You also had some of the best scandals I’ve seen in the Olympics in years.

As you may know, Russia was banned from competing in the Olympics because of their massive doping scheme at the last Winter Olympics in Sochi. The IOC let around 150 Russian athletes compete in the games anyway, under the Olympic flag, and now two of them have been caught doping. I know, it’s shocking that people from the country banned for doping would be caught doping. I don’t know how this could have happened.

Here’s where the story takes a turn. The latest Russian athlete caught doping is Nadezhda Sergeeva, who was training last month in a sweatshirt reading “I Don’t Do Doping”, and if I can’t believe in a motto on a sweatshirt, I just don’t know what to believe anymore.

The thing I really don’t understand is that Sergeeva is a bobsledder. How does doping help you win a sport that is primarily about sitting? More importantly, why is bobsledding a sport to begin with? After they made Cool Runnings it sort of reached its zenith, it’s probably time to hang up the… whatever bobsledders wear. Tight suits and dumb helmets.

Can you think of more embarrassing sports to be caught doping in than bobsledding and curling? And is Viagra a prohibited substance for competitors in ice fucking dancing?

This Year’s Olympics Has the Silliest Scandals Ever

Man, the Olympic Winter Games have had everything except for hockey; robots, corporate sponsorship, female nudity and an army of beautiful cheerleaders. You can add drama and intrigue to the list as a North Korean speed skater appears to have tried to trip a Japanese skater.

That seems like a really dumb thing to do because, you know, the guy is wearing skates. Really sharp skates. Is Kim Jong Un really going to be so mad that you tripped at the Olympics that it’s worth losing a hand for? Okay, considering North Korea killed an American citizen for allegedly taking down a poster, it probably is.

But North Korean speed skaters aren’t the only ones under fire, as the Korean women’s speed skating team is involved in a bullying scandal. After skater Seon-Yeong Noh fell four seconds behind her teammates in the team pursuit event, dropping them out of contention for a medal, skaters Kim Bo-Reom and Park Ji-Woo turned their backs on her as she broke down in tears and appeared to blame Noh for the loss in post-event interviews.

“We were doing quite well,” Kim said, after the race. “But at the end … we have a big gap at the back. She couldn’t keep up.”

The people of South Korea have petitioned their president, Moon Jae-In, to remove the two mean girls from the Olympic team. South Korea has an online petition site much like the one started by President Barack Obama, and petitions with over 200,000 signatures will receive a response. The petition about the speed skating team has over 400,000 signatures.

Of course, the most embarrassing scandal has to go to Alexander Krushelnitsky, one half of the bronze medal mixed doubles curling team. Krushelnitsky’s blood tested positive for Meldonium, the same substance Maria Sharipova received a 15-month suspension from tennis for. But the embarrassing part is that, according to RT, the Russian Curling Federation’s chief, Dmitry Svishchev, implied the reason Krushelnitsky used performance-enhancing drugs to compete in the games’ least athletic sport is he was jealous of the attention his hot wife and teammate was getting.

“At the Games, [Anastasia] became famous the world over, new admirers for her popped up in a lot of countries – and now this doping scandal. I don’t think it’s a coincidence,” Svishchev said in an interview with Russian daily Sovetsky Sport.

I can see why she’s turning heads on the… whatever they call the surface you curl on. Is it a rink? Down on the old curling rink… that sounds right, I’m going with it. I can see why she’s turning heads down on the old curling rink. I want to end this on a curling-related sex pun, but it’s proved more difficult than I had imagined. “I’d let her broom the ice in front of my giant stone puck” is the best I could come up with. I need some joke-enhancing drugs, which, if you’re wondering, are weed and booze.

The Pyeongchang Olympics Are Turning X-Rated

I haven’t been watching the Winter Olympics because there are no NHL players meaning there’s really no hockey, but the joke’s on me because apparently these games are winning a gold medal for naked ladies. Not one but two ice dancers have popped out of their costumes in Pyeongchang, and the event isn’t over yet. I’m guessing this is the curse of the cockmonsters living outside Olympic Village.

The first “wardrobe malfunction” was by South Korean skater Yura Min, who just popped all the way out of her tiny red costume.

Min was saved some embarassment when her partner put his hand over her exposed breast.

I really should have been a figure skater. No one ever told me grabbing boobs was part of figure skating.

Gabriella Papadakis’s partner wasn’t as quick-thinking as Yuna Min’s, and he let the whole world see her boob live on television.

That performance put the French duo in second place. Maybe if they had both popped out she would have gotten the gold.

Also, why did no one tell me figure skating was a euphemism for dry humping at a skating rink? This event was starting to get pretty porneriffic before women started exposing themselves. I’m expecting to see routines that start with one partner bringing a pizza onto the the ice and their partner not being able to find their wallet. You get the robot ski team and the hundreds of North Korean cheerleaders in on the action and maybe people will actually start to care about events outside of the curling.

We’ve Built Robots That Can Ski, So People Can Stop Pretending to Enjoy It Now

If I live to be a thousand, I will never understand why people want to ski. It’s all the fun of falling down the side of a mountain combined with the thrill of getting frostbite on your face and extremities. If I never have to hear some 28-year-old day trader say the word gnar-gnar again, I will live a happy life.

While automation is threatening to disrupt the world economy and cause a massive concentration of wealth that could lead to massive poverty and civil unrest, we are building more and more robots that will do jobs that humans legitimately don’t want to do, like having sex with you or being a woman in Saudi Arabia. You can add skiing to that list, as just outside of where the Winter Olympics are being held, we’ve also had the first-ever robot skiing contest, the “Edge of Robot: Ski Robot Challenge” contest. It didn’t have the word Olympics in it because the IOC is notoriously litigious, even though Robolympics is sitting right there.

As reported by The Verge, the contest paid $10,000 to the winner, which doesn’t seem like enough money to build a robot that can ski. They also put the robots in little skiing outfits which seems completely unnecessary but also adorable, like when you put a baby in a three-piece suit.

Waking up this morning to see the photo I took of Conor and his little boss baby is trending at #1 on Reddit! Not that I'm surprised. Look at that suit! David August made it especially for Conor Jack and turned him into the most adorable mini me. Link to the New York Times article in my bio. See more photos on my website in the "Portraits" gallery! Emilywilsonphotography.com. . . . @nytimes @thenotoriousmma @davidaugustclothing @reddit #thenotorius #conormcgregor #mayweathermcgregor #fightweek #ufc #mma #menwithclass #menswear #dapper #fashiondesigner #suit #portrait #pursuitofenergy #energyseeker #liveauthentic #photographer #inspiration #documentarian #theproject #pursuitofpotraits #lasvegasphotographer #behindthescenes #editorialphotography

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See that? There’s no reason for that, that baby isn’t going to some important baby meeting in the world’s most adorable boardroom, but I’m glad it happened. Same with robots in ski suits.

Look at that, it’s like Short Circuit 3: Johnny 5 Goes To Aspen. That little guy was the winner, named Taekwon V, after this amazingly terrible 1970’s Korean cartoon that is 100% a Mazinger Z rip-off.

It’s nice to see robots enjoying recreational activities for once instead of falling in with a bad crowd like those BattleBots. Unfortunately, Russia’s robot was disqualified for using performance-enhancing motor oil, but I think we were all expecting that to happen anyway.

North Korea’s ‘Army of Beauties’ Invade the Winter Olympics

If you’re like me, you tuned out of the Winter Olympics right around the second you heard NHL players wouldn’t be playing for their national teams in South Korea. Hockey and curling are really the only events worth watching anyway, but I’m not incredibly interested in watching a bunch of players who couldn’t cut it in the bigs, especially since the Russians won’t even have a team.

There is a draw, though, because even though the unified Korean women’s hockey team is terrible, North Korea sent nearly three hundred cheerleaders, dubbed the “Army of Beauties.” I had to make sure I wasn’t dreaming when I first saw them because literally all of my dreams involve 200 of the most beautiful women in Korean performing synchronized cheers. But it is real, and this sort of display is nothing new for North Korea, the most theatrical ruthless dictatorship in the world. You don’t see Tajikistan pulling out the stops like this.

It’s impressive. North Korea really loves these kinds of displays, the Kim dynasty is clearly theatrical. Speaking of which, there was a minor incident when some people thought that the masks the cheerleaders wore when singing a song sung by a man looked like a young Kim Il-Sung, the first dictator of North Korea and Kim Jong Un’s grandfather.

Jesus, does being a communist dictator destroy your genes or something? He is a handsome man, something you wouldn’t guess by looking at his son or grandson.

The North Korean cheerleaders even won praise from American speedskaters Lana Gehring and Maame Biney, who gave comments to USA Today.

“Oh my god, it was awesome,” said Gehring. “They were just doing their little chants and flag waves. I have never seen that before. And their (songs) are so in sync it is like they’ve been practicing them for years.”

“They are really beautiful,” added Biney. “I really liked it.”

Also attracting a lot of attention at the winter games was Kim Yo Jong, the sister of Kim Jong Un, who attended with the North Korean delegation and is the first member of the Kim family to visit South Korea since the end of the Korean War.

After American Vice-President Mike Pence decided to take a knee when the Korean delegation enered the stadium, which by his own logic was an insult to South Korean veterans of the Korean War, Kim Yo Jong has basically made North Korea look reasonable and tolerant in comparison to the Trump administration. So, you know, good job, Pence.

Diplomacy and international relations aren’t a zero-sum game, but how bad at it do you have to be to be completely blown out by North Korea?

Hero Father is Unfortunately Stopped From Attacking Larry Nassar In Open Court

If you followed the trial of Larry Nassar, the sports physician to the United States’ female Olympians who was convicted of molesting over a hundred women in his care, there were a lot of shocking things that went on. Nassar abused young female atheletes right in front of their parents, who couldn’t see what he was doing and assume it was, you know, medical. 156 women spoke against him at his sentencing. The US Olympics Committee and other organizations ignored complaints about Nassar for years. And Judge Rosemarie Aquilina gave Nassar a crowd-pleasing dressing down in open court that a huge number of lawyers felt bordered on judicial misconduct, though you can hardly blame her for being angry.

So what happened to Nassar today was less shocking. In the court of Judge Janice Cunningham, a father who had just listened to his three daughters’ accounts of being abused by Nassar, did what you might expect and lunged at Nassar after the judge denied his request for five minutes alone with him in a locked room.

I don’t think there was anyone who didn’t see that coming. I’m honestly surprised it took so long.

Here’s the really interesting part, though: according to CNN the court released the man, Randall Margraves, with no charges or even a fine. The judge told him that she “cannot tolerate or condone vigilantism,” and he apologized to the court, saying he lost his cool because didn’t know what his daughters were going to say until they said it. I can’t blame the guy, can you?

Pole Dancing Is Now a Recognized Sport, Congratulations to 2024 Olympic Gold Medal Winner Sapphire

I’m not entirely sure what makes something qualify as a sport, but if rhythmic gymnastics gets to be one, then I guess it’s not that weird that the Global Association of International Sports Federation has decided pole dancing gets to be one. As reported by The Daily Telegraph, pole dancing and six other sports have been granted “Observer status,” which means it’s provisionally a sport. I guess calling it “provisional status” would be too easy.

The historic milestone means that the International Pole Sports Federation (IPSF), founded by Katie Coates, 41, from Hertfordshire, is now able to apply for membership of the International Olympic Committee.

Yeah, pole dancing could be an Olympic sport. And here you thought beach volleyball was the sexiest of Olympic sports.

The IPSF, alongside armwrestling, dodgeball and a number of other events, now has two years to meet GAISF’s requirements to become a fully-recognised sport.

They include becoming compliant with the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) and increasing their membership across the world.

Now, you might think that making pole dancing, dodgeball and arm wrestling Olympic sports is ridiculous, and you would be correct. Those are all stupid and none of them are sports. But they are far from the most ridiculous things to be Olympic sports, some of which I will now share with you.

The biathlon is a cross-country skiing event where skiers race to a rifle range, fire five shots at a target, and then have to ski an additional 150 meters for each shot they miss. This has been an Olympic event since 1960.

Handball, which is essentially soccer but you hold the ball in your hand and throw it instead of kicking it, thus removing the entire point of soccer, has been an Olympic event since 1972.

Sailing, which is literally just rich assholes racing yachts, has been an Olympic event since 1896.

Curling, which is awesome and I will not countenance any mockery of this sport of kings in my column, has been an Olympic sport since 1998.

So maybe pole dancing would be right at home in the Olympics. Dressage is an Olympic event where you make a horse dance, so why shouldn’t our hard-working strippers get a chance to bring home the gold? Also, a champagne room would really class up most Olympic venues.

[Image: Flickr/Francisco Osorio]

Ryan Lochte’s Suspension Is Over — And Now, He Vows To Win Big At The 2020 Olympics For His Son

It seems Ryan Lochte is extra motivated!!

His suspension is over after the scandal that swallowed up the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro back in 2016, and the famous swimmer is ready to get back in the pool -- and he's doing it for a very special reason!

Related: Ryan Opens Up About Fatherhood

On Saturday afternoon, Lochte shared a video on his Instagram account detailing some of his plans for going for the gold in 2020, and he made it very clear it's all about his son Caiden, who he welcomed in June with fiancée Kayla Rae Reid.

Ch-ch-check out the video -- and note the special caption -- right here:

It's been a long suspension but it's over, I've learned and became a better man from it.... now let's go #2020 #teamtyr #2020isforyoucaiden #justletmeworkA post shared by Ryanlochte (@ryanlochte) on Jul 1, 2017 at 11:59am PDT

Not bad!!!

Related: Rio Officials Offered Ryan A Deal For His Charges!

He also posted a second video earlier today, too (below):

Jumping into the weekend like..... @tyrsport #teamtyr @steveaoki #aokijump #10meterA post shared by Ryanlochte (@ryanlochte) on Jul 1, 2017 at 9:48am PDT

Nice!

And here we go! Sounds like Ryan Lochte is back, y'all!

Are you ready?!

[Image via Instagram.]

Sexy Aly Raisman

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Sexy   Aly Raisman

Jules Leotard invented the leotard .Much respect to him and thanks to him.Who doesn't like Hot Female Gymnasts and Aly Raisman?

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USO (Unidentified Severed Leg) Tryna Get in on That Rio Olympic Gold

legs

This is proof that you really can accomplish great things if you only believe in yourself. #StartedAtTheBottomNowWeHere

The Independent reports that a random severed leg was kicking it in the waters off Rio de Janeiro as Olympic sailors did their non-sexual sailor related athletics in the Guanabara Bay.

As the bay already had the reputation of the meat pie shop in Sweeney Todd, it isn’t exactly getting a leg up in this instance. Originally all the raw sewage was the main concern, but it turns out that the bay is more of a human-stew-raw-sewage mix.

The leg was removed at the hip, and likely belongs to another victim of the city’s crime. Authorities took samples, but doubt they will ever figure out who the leg’s owner was. Finding body parts in that bay is all in a day’s work for Rio’s police.

Main question, what place did the leg come in, though?

Ryan Lochte Made the Whole Getting Robbed at Gunpoint Thing Up

ryan-lochte-azure

Remember Ryan Lochte’s short-lived reality show where he tried really hard to show everyone how big of a douche he really is? I think it was called Ryan Lochte Is a Douche. And remember this interview he did?

Pretty stand-up guy who doesn’t seem like the type who would fabricate a story to cover up something stupid he did, right? Well, do I have surprising news for you. Now that the story about Ryan Lochte and his swim team being robbed at gunpoint is blowing up, his story is starting to fall apart.

TMZ reports that Lochte and his teammates didn’t get robbed, per se. They sort of got really drunk, stopped at a gas station to take a leak, kicked down and broke a bathroom door causing gas station security to come up with a gun and force them to pay for the damages. I mean, it’s sort of the same as having a gun pointed at your temple and being told to give up your money. Just some minor differences. That’s all.

Oh, hey. Bet Lochte and his buddies didn’t think Rio had security cameras.

The video shows the swimmers walking and leaving the bathroom. As soon as they get into their taxi, an employee comes up and tells them to get out. They all have their hands up and are sitting on the ground near the end of it. The team could face prosecution for lying to cops. They could also face more heavy sighs of disappointment from their parents. I’m not sure which is worse.

Olympic Gymnast Samir Aït Saïd Is Having the Worst Time at Rio

olympics-broken-leg

French gymnast Samir Aït Saïd snapped his leg during the artistic gymnastics men’s team qualification at the Rio Olympics on Friday. You’ve probably already seen the video of the leg break. In case you haven’t, check it out below. If you don’t want to watch it, imagine snapping a chicken wing in half. It was sort of like that.

Surprisingly, his bad luck didn’t end there. By the way, this is apart from the fact that he already qualified for the final on still rings, his best event, and missed the 2012 Olympics after breaking his right tibia in three places.

While being loaded into the ambulance on a stretcher, they dropped him. They freaking dropped the guy with with a broken tibia and fibia. The only way his day could get even worse is if he went to the hospital and found out his doctor was Dr. Nick.

Watch The US Men’s Basketball Team — Except For No-Fun Carmelo Anthony — Sing Along To Vanessa Carlton Lyrics On The Way To The Olympics!

This is too good!

Team USA is heading down to Rio de Janeiro right now to compete in the Olympics over the next few weeks, and while most of the country's men's basketball team is having the time of their lives, one guy is NOT feeling it.

Related: Remember When McKayla Maroney Met President Obama?!

Carmelo Anthony was clearly not in the mood when the men's basketball team started singing the classic song A Thousand Miles, by Vanessa Carlton, on the plane to Brazil today!

First, watch NBA stars Jimmy Butler and Kyrie Irving get it going by really going all in on the performance -- including a little bit of air piano -- below:

@jimmybutler back at it.... Looking like Willie BeamenA video posted by DeMarcus Cousins (@boogiecousins) on Jul 30, 2016 at 8:51am PDT

LOLz!!

And what of Melo, you ask?!

Related: Olympian Jason Lee Was Kidnapped Days Before The Games!

Well... he was SO not here for this!

Ch-ch-check out his HIGHlarious reaction (below)!!

Melo ain't having it...😂A video posted by DeMar DeRozan (@demar_derozan) on Jul 30, 2016 at 8:48am PDT

HA!!!

That is TOO funny!!

We can only hope that Carlton isn't offended by Melo's lack of participation! LOLz!!

What about U -- are U tuning into the Olympics with us later this week?!

[Image via Instagram.]