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Ted Cruz "Likes" Incest Porn on Twitter; Internet Has a Field Day

If you’ve followed the career of Ted Cruz, you know that the Texas senator is a hard-line conservative who might also be the Zodiac Killer.

Cruz is nothing if not passionate about his work, but legislating away the right of poor people to exist and sending encoded descriptions of your latest murder to Bay Area media outlets can take a toll on even the most diligent weasel demon.

So it’s not surprising that the Cruz Man decided to unwind with a little bizarrely specific fetish porn last night.

It is surprising, however, that he felt the need to broadcast his preferences on Twitter.

Yes, Ted pulled a Weiner in more ways than one, unintentionally (we hope) sharing a very NSFW video clip with his 3 million followers.

Cruz “liked” the clip late Monday night, and it was gone by Tuesday morning – but not before spending a surprisingly long period of time at the top Senator Cruz’s timeline.

Obviously, it’s possible the clip was shared by a Cruz staff member, but of course we prefer to think that the senator personally enjoyed the two-minute depiction of an incestuous threesome to the point that he simply had to share his rave review with the world.

If you’ve spent any time amongst the droll denizens of Twitter, then you won’t be surprised to learn that the jokes flew fast and furious in the minutes after the world learned more than it ever wanted to know about Ted Cruz’s spank material.

Most of us were at least moderately surprised by the development, but there’s one man who wasn’t the least bit shocked by the news that Texas Teddy enjoys manipulating his pole.

Craig Mazin was Cruz’s roommate at Princeton, and the screenwriter was mining his former bunk buddy’s masturbatory habits for comedic gold long before the rest of us were forced to imagine Ted “handling his delegates.”

“Now imagine Ted Cruz is doing this four feet below you in the bottom bunk bed. Yes, my misery very much appreciates your company,” Mazin tweeted last night.

Having waited for this day for nearly thirty years, Mazin obviously didn’t stop there:

“Sadly, the fact that Ted Cruz jacks off to mediocre porn spam is the most human thing we can say about him. This is actually his high point,” he added.

With no fear of putting too fine a point on it, Mazin continued:

“I never wanted this for any of you. I thought maybe I’d feel better if two or three people knew. Not six billion. That said? I FEEL BETTER.”

Hopefully, someone in Cruz’s office is coating the senator in a healing salve to soothe his savage burns … and hopefully Ted’s not getting off on it.

Now, we live in an age in which the media cycle operates at such a breakneck speed that a man who boasted of grabbing women “by the p-ssy” was elected president just a few weeks after his admission of sexual assault went public.

So in all likelihood, this will all be forgotten by the time Cruz launches his inevitable 2020 presidential campaign.

But don’t worry – Ted will inevitably trip over his own dong many times between now and then.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t the first Ted Cruz sex scandal.

Hell, it’s not even the second Ted Cruz sex scandal.

This is a guy so prone to self-sabotage that he maintained his connection to Josh Duggar after the world learned Duggar had molested four of his sisters.

And don’t get us started on all those grisly murders Cruz committed in San Francisco in the ’70s!

Tina Fey and Cake Yelling: See Twitter’s Mixed Reactions!

Before the news broke that Steve Bannon was leaving the White House to spend more time with the other three Horsemen, the biggest political news of the day was Tina Fey's Cake Sketch from SNL's Weekend Update.

We'll be honest -- we watched it more than once this morning.

In the video, Tina Fey devours a sheet cake in a frighteningly messy manner while roasting Trump over his horrendous response to the Nazi rally and terrorist attack in Charlottesville that left one dead and dozens more injured over the weekend. 

Trump's initial weak response was bad enough, but to double down on saying that maybe some Nazis are decent folks days later was monstrous.

Personally, I responded to that bewildering press conference by walking to get ice cream with my roommate. According to this bit of sketch comedy, Tina Fey had a similar idea -- to cope by devouring an entire cake.

The video has received a mixed reception, however, as some perceived Tina Fey's skit as suggesting that people shouldn't counter-protest when Nazis come to town. Tina does basically say that, but it's part of a skit and some aren't convinced that we're supposed to read that as genuine advice.

Others see the entire skit as a parody of people choosing to be inactive in the face of evil. Satirizing people who just "sit out" of conflicts isn't the same as promoting that way of thinking, right?

Twitter was pretty divided, but here's what people had to say:

1. First, someone who worked with Tina

Tina fey cake tweet 00
Honestly, we might try out some cake yelling. But with friends, and with tidy slices.

2. High praise ...

Tina fey cake tweet 01
Like the rest of the world, JK Rowling has to keep up with US events even though she's a Brit.

3. More cake talk ...

Tina fey cake tweet 02
When you haven't had cake in a really long time, all of this cake talk gets to you

4. Lady Gaga spoke up

Tina fey cake tweet 03
A lot of people feel frustrated and powerless and turn to comfort food. The stars: they're just like us!

5. Grilled cheese is nice

Tina fey cake tweet 04
All that we can think about with this is Kristen Stewart comparing heterosexuality to eating grilled cheese.

6. Tina Fey got some criticism, though

Tina fey cake tweet 05
And people stepped up to defend her
View Slideshow

John McCain Reveals Brain Cancer Diagnosis

John McCain has been diagnosed with brain cancer.

The Mayo Clinic Hospital in Phoenix has confirmed that the 80-year old Republican Senator from Arizona has “a glioblastoma” that was found via testing after he went in for surgery on a blood clot over his eye on July 14.

John McCain Snapshot

According to the American Brain Tumor Association, Glioblastoma is an especially aggressive tumor that forms in the tissue of the brain and spinal cord.

The politician - who ran against Barack Obama for President in 2008 - will weigh his future medical options, but a representative says he will likely undergo a combination of radiation and chemotherapy.

A statement from McCain's office just minutes after the diagnosis went public says he is "in good spirits as he continues to recover at home with his family in Arizona."

It reads in full:

Senator McCain appreciates the outpouring of support he has received over the last few days. He is in good spirits as he continues to recover at home with his family in Arizona.

He is grateful to the doctors and staff at Mayo Clinic for their outstanding care, and is confident that any future treatment will be effective.

Further consultations with Senator McCain's Mayo Clinic care team will indicate when he will return to the United States Senate.

John McCain Image

The Mayo Clinic, meanwhile, emphasizes that McCain’s “underlying health is excellent” and that “treatment options” are being debated by his medical team.

The blood clot for which McCain was treated last week was over the senator's left eye, not far from the left temple where he was diagnosed with melanoma in 2000.

Prior to this diagnosis, the long-time politician had three other malignant melanomas removed in 1993, 2000 and 2002. None of these melanomas were invasive.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta tells CNN that the average survival rate for malignant glioblastoma tends to be around 14 months with treatment.

"The news of my father's illness has affected every one of us in the McCain Family," Tweeted Meghan McCain on Wednesday night, adding:

"It won't surprise you to learn that in all this, the one of us who is most confident and calm is my father."

You can read the complete, moving statement below:

mm statement

In 1967, while serving in the United States Navy, McCain was shot down during a Vietnam War mission.

He was held captive by the enemy until 1973, surviving years of torture that left him with many physical ailments for the rest of his life.

He retired from the Navy as a captain in 1981 and moved to Arizona; he was elected to the U.S. House of Representatives in 1982 and was first elected to the U.S. Senate in 1986.

McCain ran for the Republican nomination in 2000, but lost in a primary to George W. Bush.

Eight years later, he represented the GOP in the general Presidential election, but lost to Obama.

McCain, John

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell called McCain "a hero to our conference and a hero to our country" upon learning of his cancer diagnosis, adding:

"He has never shied from a fight and I know that he will face this challenge with the same extraordinary courage that has characterized his life. We all look forward to seeing this American hero again soon."

With messages of support pouring in all over social media, Arizona's other senator, Jeff Flake, wrote on Twitter:

"Just spoke to @SenJohnMcCain. Tough diagnosis, but even tougher man."

And this from Democratic senator Brian Schatz: "This is awful news. The country owes a debt of gratitude to this American hero."

We share these sentiments and we send our thoughts to John McCain and his family during this dificult time.

Reality Winner: Who Is the Oddly-Named NSA Whistleblower?

You may have seen her name trending on social media and assumed an unscripted series you'd never heard of had crowned a new champion.

But the fact of the matter is, the story of Reality Winner more closely resembles a narrative you'd find on The Americans than on American Idol, and the jokes about her unique moniker belie the gravity of this young woman's very grim predicament.

Reality Winner Photo

Reality Leigh Winner is a 25-year-old Air Force veteran, who's been charged with mailing classified NSA documents to media outlet the Intercept in an effort to reveal the extent of Russian meddling in the 2016 presidential election.

Until this week, Winner was an employee of Pluribus International Corp., a private defense and intelligence contractor with top-level government security clearance.

Winner is accused of sending documents to the Intercept that allege Russian government hackers targeted 122 local election officials a few days before last November’s election.

She was arrested at her home in Augusta, Georgia just one hour after the Edward Snowden-friendly media outlet published the materials it received from Winner.

Reality Winner Image

Officials involved in her arrest say that Winner “admitted intentionally identifying and printing the classified intelligence reporting from her office space, retaining it, and mailing it from Augusta, Georgia, to the News Outlet, which she knew was not authorized to receive or possess the documents.”

According to her Instagram page, Ms. Winner spent the past week hiking, preparing vegan meals, and blogging about her CrossFit goals.

Now, she's behind bars, awaiting charges of mishandling classified information.

So how did federal investigators link Winner to the leaked documents so quickly?

Reality Winner Pic

According to Vice, the documents published by the Intercept were encoded with metadata - in this case, dots of yellow ink imperceptible to the human eye - that identified them as being printed from Winner's work computer.

Winner's mother Billie Winner-Davis describes her daughter as "passionate" about her beliefs, but not overtly political.

She says she spoke to Reality Sunday night after her arrest, but adds that they did not discuss the details of her case:

"She asked if we could help out with relocating her cat and dog," Winner-Davis said, adding:

"I don't know what they're alleging."

Reality Winner Instagram Selfie

It may be months before Winner's case goes to trial, and as she lacks the advantages that saved previous high-profile whistleblowers, her future looks quite bleak indeed.

Winner was unable to escape to a nation or embassy with a favorable extradition policy like Edward Snowden and Julian Assange, and it's unlikely that she'll find much sympathy at the top levels of government like Chelsea Manning.

In comments to the Guardian, Reality's mother seemed to recognize the severity of her daughter's predicament:

“I think she’s trying to be brave for me,” Winner-Davis said.

“I don’t think she’s seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.”

Kathy Griffin "Beheads" Donald Trump, Pisses Off Internet

Warning: There are three people involved in this story, and perpetually-parched celebrity photographer Tyler Shields might be the least obnoxious one.

You may remember Shields from the time when he took lots photos of Lindsay Lohan seductively nibbling her fingers, back when that was a thing some people wanted to see.

Chronicling the life of LiLo never helped Shields develop into a slightly less creepy Terry Richardson like it was supposed to, so these days he's changing strategies.

Interestingly, he remains fixated on Cheeto-colored throwback celebs who wore out their welcomes well over a decade ago.

And now, Shields has figured out a way to squeeze two carrot-hued relics into one desperate publicity stunt.

Yes, if you've spent much time on social media today, then you probably caught wind of the controversy involving Kathy Griffin and a bloody, beheaded Trump dummy.

If you haven't been on Twitter in the past couple hours, we recommend you keep your distance, as the takes are more red hot than Jared Kushner's face when someone uses the phrase "back channel" in his presence.

They're hotter than the incubation room where Steve Bannon stores the leathery eggs of his future progeny.

They might even be hotter than the young, Lahren-esque communications director who will emerge out of nowhere once Kellyanne and Spicy go missing sometime next week.

People are pissed, is what we're saying.

And of course, no one is more pissed than noted famous name-haver and grown up kid from The Omen, Donald Trump, Jr.

"Disgusting but not surprising. This is the left today. They consider this acceptable," an irate DJTJ told the press today.

Griffin is sticking to her guns, claiming that she does not condone violence, and is merely sticking it to the "Mocker-in-Chief" in the crass fashion he seems to prefer.

"There was blood coming out of his eyes, blood coming out of his ... wherever," Griffin said, referencing last year's infamous Trump-Megyn Kelly feud.

Check out some footage from the photo shoot to decide for yourself if Griffin was out of line, or just giving Donnie a taste of his own medicine:

Kathy griffin beheads donald trump pisses off internet

Mexican Politician Mocked For Worst Campaign Hashtag Ever

Mexican politician Javier Zapata proved he doesn’t really know what the internet is with a campaign hashtag trying so hard it makes Hillary Clinton‘s campaign look cool and not at all desperate.

Gubernatorial candidate Javier Zapata, whose a part of some side chick party, bought billboards all over the Mexican state of Nayarit proudly displaying giant photos of his mustache and the campaign hashtag “hashtagcampaña” or literally, “#campaignhashtag.”

I personally love it, would vote for him, and would also name my post-noise-ska side project it.

Social media all over Latin America blew up, as apparently, they think he’s just an idiot and not some kind of new school dada social media master.

In response to the mockery, according to The Guardian, Zapata changed his slogan to #PorMisBigotes which means “because of my mustache.”

I live for this.

Hillary Clinton Commencement Speech: Was She Trolling Trump?

Well, it's graduation time, which means there's a good chance you'll soon be forced to cut a check to a nephew you haven't seen in three years and/or make an appearance at a booze-free party that's attended mostly by snapchatting teens.

But there are good things about this time of year, too:

Primarily, the fact that you get to see various celebrities do a little cap-and-gown standup routine without actually racking up a lifetime worth of debt yourself.

Today, graduates at Wellesley College got the super-, mega-A-list treatment courtesy of former Secretary of State and noted popular vote winner Hillary Clinton, who gave her third commencement speech at the Massachusetts liberal arts school.

(Her first was as a graduate in 1969.)

Clinton did not announce that she's running for mayor of New York City (looking more and more like a few media outlets got a bad tip on that one), but she did make headlines doing what so many of us have been doing for the past four months:

Taking dead aim at the low-hanging fruit that is the Trump administration.

After reminding those in attendance that they're “graduating at a time when there’s a full-fledged assault on truth and reason” Clinton really went in:

"When people in power invent their own facts and attack those who question them, it can mark the beginning of the end of a free society," she said at one point.

"That is not hyperbole, it is what authoritarian regimes throughout history have done. ... They attempt to control reality."

In case that was too subtle, she also had this to say:

“People [are] denying science, concocting elaborate, hurtful conspiracy theories about child-abuse rings operating out of pizza parlors, drumming up rampant fear about undocumented immigrants, Muslims, minorities, the poor, turning neighbor against neighbor and sowing division at a time when we desperately need unity.

“Some are even denying things we see with our own eyes, like the size of crowds, and then defending themselves by talking about quote-unquote 'alternative facts.'”

Yeah, it was basically the climactic battle rap scene in 8 Mile disguised as a commencement speech.

Watch the whole thing below:

Hillary clinton commencement speech was she trolling trump

Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Sarah Palin Hang With Trump, Mock Hillary

It's a strange time to be an American.

We continue to provide the world with a number of crucial exports, such as Springsteen songs and Seinfeld reruns, but we're in danger of losing our most cherished delusion and being forced to confront the reality that we don't actually hold a position of respect and authority in the global community.

Part of the problem is that we went from a president who hangs with Beyonce and Kendrick Lamar to this guy:

Trump and Friends

Yes, that's Donald Trump chillin' with the biggest celebrities who will admit to voting for him. (Sorry, Scott Baio.)

The good news is that the phenomenon of aging, Trump-voting rockers in dumb hats seems to be mostly limited to the Detroit area.

The bad news is literally everything else about this photo.

Gaining the approval of celebrities might be the only thing more important to Donald Trump than convincing the world that his penis is actually quite adequate in size, so the fact that the best he can do in terms of famous friends is Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Sarah Palin means there's probably a MOAB headed for Hollywood at this very moment.

Fortunately for Donnie, he was able to find playmates who share his obsession with his former rival:

Rock, Nugent, Palin ... Clinton?

Nugent uploaded the above photos to his Facebook page, along with captions such as this bonafide gem (*kisses finger tips like an Italian chef*):

“So today is the 242nd anniversary of The Shot Heard Round The World is it! Well well well looky looky here boogie chillin’, I got your Shot Heard Round The World right here in big ol greazyass Washington DC where your 1 & only MotorCity Madman WhackMaster StrapAssasin1 dined with President Donald J Trump at the WhiteHouse to Make America Great Again!”

He later added that the group dined on “incredible lobster salad & lampchops! UltraYUM!”

For our readers who aren't fluent in Ted Talk, we think Nugent is trying to say that he got separated from his tour group and ate part of a lamp.

For some reason, he's very excited about the whole thing.

The Donald and The Nuge

We kid, of course.

Donnie is just enjoying having some friends over to his new place while his wife remains semi-permanently out of town, and we don't blame him.

It gets lonely in the Oval Office.

Steve Bannon never wants to watch old DVDs of The Apprentice, and Jared Kushner always messes up the chorus of "Bawitdaba."

Sean Spicer Defended Hitler During Passover Because Of Course He Did

If Melissa McCarthy's Sean Spicer impression taught us anything, it's that Spicy is a joke of a human being.

Generally, jokes aren't frightening or infuriating, but in Spicer's case, the eventual punchline might come in the form of a rant about how bad it is to bully the president, delivered as nuclear fallout from a North Korean missile mutates his tiny mouth into a face anus.

Sean Spicer is bad, is what we're saying.

But is he "use a factually inaccurate to let Hitler off the hook in the midst of a holiday meant to commemorate the Jewish people's long history of persecution" bad?

Before today we wouldn't have thought it was possible, but apparently the answer to that question is a mind-blowing yes.

As you've likely heard, the U.S. fired 59 cruise missiles at a Syrian air base last week in response to reports that Bashar al-Assad had ordered a nerve gas attack against his own people.

Spicer apparently thinks Assad is the first dictator ever to use chemical weapons to commit atrocities against civilians, because he had this to say during his daily press briefing:

“We didn’t use chemical weapons in World War II. You had someone as despicable as Hitler, who didn’t sink to using chemical weapons.”

Not surprisingly, baffled reporters immediately asked for clarification, and Spicer's follow-up only made thing much, much worse:

“[Hitler] was not using the gas on his own people the same way that Assad is doing," Spicer said, adding that the situation in Europe in the the 1930s and '40s was different, because Nazis brought their victims to “Holocaust centers” before brutally murdering them.

He also repeatedly mispronounced Assad's name, but that bit of gross incompetence reeeeeally pales in comparison here.

For obvious reasons, social media has pounced on Spicer's comments, with some calling for his immediate firing:

"[email protected] @realDonaldTrump MUST FIRE SEAN SPICER NOW FOR ENGAGING IN HOLOCAUST DENIAL. OUR STATEMENT BELOW," the Anne Frank Center tweeted moments ago.

Now, as one of the most high-profile representatives of the Trump administration, it might be wise for Spicer to simply step down to save his boss a world of headaches.

But that would be a smart decision - and as we learned again today, Spicy doesn't do smart decisions.

Watch the most jaw-dropping moments of today's briefing in the clip below:

Sean spicer defended hitler during passover because of course he

Cory Booker Asks Out Mindy Kaling!!!!!

Major political news has taken the nation by storm.

The Republican Party was forced to pull the plug on the American Health Care Act Friday after lacking enough votes to clear the House floor, forcing Paul Ryan and Donald Trump to admit that Obamacare will remain the law of the land.

What? Huh? No.

Well... yes. That happened. But it's not the major political story we're tracking here at The Hollywood Gossip.

Cory Booker Picture

In a far more important breaking development, United States Senator Cory Booker has asked comedic actress Mindy Kaling out on a date!

It all started when the New Jersey native playfully chided Kaling’s alter ego - Dr. Mindy Lahiri on Hulu's The Mindy Project - for poking fun at his hometown of Newark on her series.

“I guess anything to get out of Newark, huh?” the character joked in a recent episode about Booker’s attendance at a party.

In response, the outspoken and good-humored politician quoted the scene on Twitter and wrote "Ouch!"

He also linked to a Vogue article that referenced an infusion of new restaurants in the area that offer “a fusion of American comfort food with an Indian twist.”

As you can see below, Booker wasn't too angry over the snub, writing that he still loves Kaling.

book tweet

Kaling, who portrays an obstetrician on the sitcom and who rose to fame on The Office, took note of Booker's flirtation and responded as follows:

"Senator, if Mindy Lahiri shades it, it means we know it's cool. Thanks for the [love]. It's mutual!"

From there, BOOKER ASKED KALING OUT ON A DATE!

“You are making my day!” gushed the 47-year old single senator, adding:

“Thanks for the clarification. And If the [love] is really mutual… Come have dinner with me in Newark?"

Clearly smitten, Kaling said yes, saying she had to go find the “train schedule" so she could make her way from New York City to New Jersey.

Adding to the incredibleness of this entire exchange, the official Twitter account for the train that takes folks from The Big Apple to its neighboring state (known as the PATH train) proceeded to get involved:

more tweiiters

“PATH train is awesome when you are Jersey bound," Booker Tweeted to Kaling. "But you are @Lyft worthy! I will send one to you for the door to door."

There's nothing about this story that isn't completely awesome and amazing.

Tragically, we're left hanging at the moment because Kaling has not responded to Booker's Lyft offer.

But she has to accept, right?

Mindy Kaling Rules!

Booker is considered a strong candidate to run for President in 2020.

And with Donald Trump's approval ratings at historically low levels, you would think the Democratic nominee ought to have a real shot at winning the White House in a few years.

This means there's a chance that Mindy Kaling could be First Lady.

A good chance? Probably not.

But there really is a chance.

And that's a lot more than we could have said about the situation just a few hours ago.

Mindy Kaling in a Dress

Ivanka Trump: Sued Due to Kellyanne Conway Endorsement!

Remember when Kellyanne Conway abused her power and position by going on Fox News and telling Americans to buy Ivanka Trump's products?

If your head exploded at the sight of a government official going full-QVC during a policy interview, you have our condolences.

Unfortunately, the rest of us are left to ponder the implications of such an abomination of democracy, and now some modern day John Adamses are taking the matter to court:

Ivanka Trump: 2016 Costume Institute Gala

Modern Appealing Clothing (okay, so like, John Adams if he worked for that fashion company from Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead) is suing Ivanka over what it calls an "unfair advantage" in the marketplace.

The San Francisco-based retailer says Ivanka's sales have been boosted by 700% due to her father's influence as P--sy-Grabber-in-Chief.

(No word on how the company came by those figures.)

Conway's endorsement came on the heels of Nordstrom's decision to remove Ivanka's clothing line from its stores.

The Trump administration (by which we mean Donald's tweets) has argued that Ivanka's business interests have actually suffered as a result of her father's presidency.

Ivanka Trump: Bag Lady

However, MAC and the rest of the world is all like, "Nah, bruh."

While Trump has proven to be an expert at losing money (USFL, we hardly knew ye.), no family has ever been made poorer by the presidency.

Jimmy Carter sold his peanut farm in 1976, but in the decades since, he's become America's favorite kindly grandfather, and ironically, he probably has a place reserved in heaven that's decked out with more gold than Trump Tower.

Okay, almost as much gold.

Trump's getting the best of both worlds, as he's become the most powerful man in the world without making good on his promise to divest from his business interests.

Ivanka Trump Models

Can you imagine being a foreign leader traveling to D.C. and not staying at the Trump Hotel?

You can just forget about a handshake after pulling that stunt, hombre.

The reality is, we'll probably never know how much the Trump family has enriched itself at the expense of the American people.

If only there were some sort of document that revealed how much individuals and corporations earned in a year, as well as how much they paid in taxes.

Sigh. Maybe someday ...

Melania Trump: FINALLY Moving Into the White House?

As you're probably aware, Donald Trump unveiled his 2018 budget proposal this week, and he's pretty much the only one who likes it.

The plan calls for massive cuts to several vital government agencies, in particular those tied to health, human services, and the arts.

Democrats are balking at the tremendous human toll, and key Republicans believe the budget will prove impossible to pass.

Yes, Trump's first federal budget appears to be DOA, but there's still one person who can swoop in and save the day ...

Melania Trump Aboard Air Force One

We're talking, of course, about the seldom-seen Melania Trump.

You see, ever since her husband's inauguration back in January, Melania has spent less time in the White House than people taking guided tours.

The Trump administration initially responded to concerns about the cost of round-the-clock Secret Service protection for the Manhattan faction of the Trump clan with vague promises of Melania and son Barron Trump eventually making their way to D.C.

But the consensus among insiders seemed to be that Melania never intended to move into the White House.

(In fairness, she was probably just as shocked as the rest of us when he won the election.)

Melania Trump and Barron Trump

Now, however, it seems that in a move to appease voters, Donald will make the ultimate sacrifice and live under the same roof as his wife.

According to TMZ, insiders close to the situation say that Melania and her son are "absolutely moving after the school year."

One source claims a school has already been selected for Barron, and White House staff members are readying Melania's living quarters with a fresh coat of paint.

We assume the stench of goat blood and charred flesh all of Steve Bannon's scrifices to the Prince of Darkness, but it's nothing a little Lysol won't fix.

So what does all of this have to do with Trump's budget proposal?

Trumps at the White House

Well nothing, really, but an oft-cited statistic is that the cost of keeping Melania and Barron in Manhattan is greater than the entire annual buget for the National Endowment for the Arts, a program that's marked to be gutted by Trump's budget.

So will the program be saved now that Melania is taking one for the team and pretending to share a bed with Donnie?

Of course not, silly!

That would amount to compromise and we're pretty sure The Art of the Deal could basically be summarized as "compromise is for pussies."

Besides, that money can be easily wasted elsewhere.

Now the whole family can take costly trips to hobnob with pay-for-play oligarchs at Mar-a-Lago!

Donald Trump Loses Muslim Ban Appeal: Twitter Reacts!

When elected President, Donald Trump claimed that America would win so often that citizens would grow sick of winning. 

To date, however, Trump has lost twice in key court rulings.

On Thursday night, San Francisco’s 9th Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the suspension of the President's travel ban, which prevented people from seven mostly Muslim nations from entering the United States.

The three judges, a mixture of Democrats and Republicans, voted unanimously against the administration.

And, as you'll see below, Hollywood was nearly unanimous in its response to this legal decision...

1. Donald Trump

Donald trump
SEE YOU IN COURT, THE SECURITY OF OUR NATION IS AT STAKE!

2. Hillary Clinton

Hillary clinton
3-0.

3. Michael Moore

Michael moore
A victory against hate. Appeals Court rules against Trump. His Muslim Ban can not be enforced for the time being.

4. Debra Messing

Debra messing
TRUMP LOSES. Reinstatement of the ban is DENIED by Court.

5. Josh Gad

Josh gad
Always good 2 end my day w/ a solid bitch slap. I can sleep soundly knowing Trump is now throwing Jane Adams vases across the WH dining room.

6. Judd Apatow

Judd apatow
Oh shit--- he is using caps! Someone explained the caps lock to our so called President baby.
View Slideshow

Neil Gorsuch: Who is This Supreme Court Nominee?

Donald Trump has made his selection.

In one of the most vital decisions a President can make, the Commander-in-Chief announced on Tuesday night that Neil Gorsuch is his choice to be the next Supreme Court justice.

“The most important thing the President of the United States can make is the appointment of a Supreme Court Justice, I took the task of this nomination very seriously,” Trump said in a nationally televised announced from the White House.

Gorsuch – who received his undergraduate education from Columbia prior to earning his law degree from Harvard and who then went on to receive a doctorate at Oxford University – is a federal appeals court judge in Colorado.

Like late justice Anton Scalia, whose seat Gorsuch will fill if he's confirmed, the nominee is considered to be an originalist when it comes to how he interprets the Constitution.

He also clerked in the past for two Supreme Court justices, Byron White and Anthony Kennedy and served as a clerk on the second most important appeals court in the country, in Washington D.C., for conservative Judge David Sentelle.

“He is the man of our country, a man who our country really needs, to ensure the rule of law and justice, I only hope that Democrats and Republicans can come together, for once, for the good of the country,” Trump concluded of his nominee.

Gorsuch beat our finalists William Pryor and Thomas M. Hardiman for the nomination.

Get to know Neil Gorsuch better below and then VOTE: Is he the right choice?

Neil gorsuch who is donald trumps supreme court nominee

Donald Trump: Celebrities React to Muslim Ban

Donald Trump is officially a terrible person.

Well, we've known he was terrible for a good long while now, but his latest move really just takes the whole terrible cake.

In case you missed it, Trump just signed an executive order that many are referring to the "Muslim Ban." The order prevents anyone from Syria, Libya, Iraq, Sudan, Yemen, and Somalia from entering the country.

Refugees from these countries, people with visas, people with green cards who have families and careers in the U.S.? If they're abroad for any reason, they can't come back.

Also worth noting: though the banning of refugees is temporary, in the future they will be given a "religious test" before entering the country. Christians will receive preference.

Oh, and one more thing: Trump is fine with people from predominantly Muslim countries to which he has business ties.

It's alarming, it's horrifying, and it obviously discriminatory.

See how celebrities are reacting to Trump's order, which is now in effect.

1. Judd Apatow

Judd apatow photo
"He doesn't understand that this will lead to people in America becoming radicalized as a result of his ignorance and cruelty."

2. Sophia Bush

Sophia bush pic
“THESE are the HUMAN BEINGS Trump banned today. REFUGEES fleeing ISIS. Children. Their families. Shame on him. May God help us.”

3. Michael Moore

Michael moore image
"That the President of the United States would order on Holocaust Memorial Day the banning of a people due to their religion is reprehensible. To our Muslim neighbors in the world: I & tens of millions of others are so very sorry. The majority of Americans did not vote 4 this man."

4. Jessica Chastain

Jessica chastain in red
"WW2- USA Turned Away Thousands of Jewish Refugees Fearing That They Were Nazi Spies. TODAY- Trump signs order banning Syrian refugees."

5. George Takei

George takei apprentice pic
"The 9/11 attackers were from Saudi Arabia, Egypt & UAE--not the 7 nations in the immigration ban. These all do have Trump properties though."

6. Andy Richter

Andy richter
“What’s happening is repugnant. We’re supposed to be unique, a haven. We’re betraying our heroes.”
View Slideshow

Women’s March: See How The Celebs Got Involved!

Donald Trump's presidency is bad news for so very, very many people.

All the people, basically.

But one group -- one entire gender, actually -- banded together on Saturday, January 21st, in protest.

We're speaking, of course, about the Women's March.

Women came together in Washington D.C., in Los Angeles, in Chicago, and in so many other major cities, and in some not-so-major cities as well.

It was a beautiful sight to see, and so now let's see what the celebrities did to honor the occasion!

1. Katy Perry

Katy perry
Katy Perry, one of Hillary Clinton's biggest supporters, marched in Washington.

2. Scarlett Johansson

Scarlett johansson
Scarlett Johansson spoke in support of Planned Parenthood.

3. Melissa Benoist

Melissa benoist
Supergirl actress Melissa Benoist got in on the action with this amazing sign.

4. Nick Offerman

Nick offerman
Nick Offerman, best known for playing Ron Swanson on Parks and Recreation, got himself a popular "pussy hat."

5. Helen Mirren

Helen mirren
Helen Mirren looked just as classy as ever at the protest in New York.

6. Cynthia Nixon

Cynthia nixon
Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon went out to march in New York as well.
View Slideshow

Vladimir Putin Ordered Pro-Trump Cyber Attacks on US, Report Claims

For nearly two months now, President-elect Donald Trump has consistently denied that the Russian government had any involvement in the hacking and release of private emails pertaining to the Hillary Clinton presidential campaign.

A total of 17 intelligence agencies have stated that there is sufficient evidence to conclude that the cyber-attacks originated in Russia and were most likely carried out with the goal of helping Trump win the presidency.

The President-Elect

Rather than heed the intelligence community's warnings, Trump has assured his followers that fugitive Wikileaks founder Julian Assange has assured him that the emails stolen from the DNC and Clinton campaign manager John Podesta did not come from Russia.

Today, Trump is finding it more difficult than ever to make the case that he knows more than the CIA, FBI, NSA and Department of Justice combined, thanks to a newly declassified 25-page report that claims Russian President Vladimir Putin personally ordered the cyber-attacks against the US.

The report indicates that the attacks were part of Putin's attempt to improve Trump's chances of getting elected and "undermine the U.S.-led liberal democratic order."

The findings were presented to Trump at a meeting with intelligence officials Friday afternoon.

Donald Trump in Victory Tour

Following the meeting, Trump dialed back his earlier statements about the leaks in a statement issued to the media.

He no longer claims that the Russia is not responsible for the hacks, but he continues to maintain that the attacks had "absolutely no effect" on the outcome of the election, a 

US politicians and foreign leaders alike have been critical of Trump's continued defense of a foreign power that has been openly hostile to the United States, but the former real estate mogul shows no signs of changing course.

"Sr Trump, the intelligence report is devastating. Losing election by more than 3M votes and in addition this.Are you a legitimate president?" former Mexican president Vicente Fox tweeted moments ago, reflecting the sentiments of much of the global community.

Donald Trump Double Chin

Trump has been silent about the findings on his favorite communication platform, Twitter, which has long been his preferred means of addressing his supporters.

Instead of addressing the allegations against Putin, Trump has chosen to once again attack the intelligence community and carry on his bizarre feud with NBC.

"I am asking the chairs of the House and Senate committees to investigate top secret intelligence shared with NBC prior to me seeing it," he tweeted just after this afternoon's meeting.

Earlier today, the president-elect attacked both NBC and Arnold Schwarzenegger, arguing on Twitter that The Celebrity Apprentice had higher ratings when Trump was hosting. 

Rosie O’Donnell Posts Anti-Donald Trump Threat: LESS THAN 3 WEEKS TO STOP HIM AMERICA!

Wishing harm on President-Elect of the United States Donald J. Trump on Twitter is one of the hottest new trends here in 2016-17.

The latest to get in on the inappropriate action?

His favorite old nemesis, Rosie O'Donnell!

Rosie Tweet

Less than a week after Charlie Sheen pleaded with God to kill Trump, O’Donnell threw out a (slightly) less overt request on her account.

“DONALD TRUMP IS MENTALLY UNSTABLE. LESS THAN 3 WEEKS TO STOP HIM AMERICA,” read her tweet that linked to CNN.

No, the cable news network didn't report on people trying to off Trump; CNN's story was about Trump booting a biographer off a golf course.

Why Rosie chose that of all Trump stories, we cannot say, but trying to apply any logic to Rosie O'Donnell is like trying to explain Trump.

In general. These two deserve each other.

Obviously, some vocal members of the 46 percent of America who elected Trump in a self-proclaimed landslide weren't happy about this:

Trump Fans Response

Rosie's call for America to "STOP HIM" can be perceived as a veiled threat, and one that is sadly no shock given the entertainers' history.

They've been at each other’s throats for nearly a decade, back when Trump was hosting The Apprentice and Rosie was ... still Rosie. 

Looks like he got the last laugh in this beef.

No explanation was given about the remark, but O'Donnell also tweeted a quote from Maria Robinson in her call to anti-Trump action. 

The quasi-ominous quote reads, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

For good measure, O’Donnell then retweeted a GIF of Russian President Vladimir Putin pulling on strings to control his “puppet,” Trump.

Rosie Photograph

And, she shared a re-tweeted of Trump depicted as a clown, reading, “You cannot put a crown on a clown & expect him to behave like a king.”

Oooh, burn. Bet that one really stings and makes a difference. Straight out of the uber-successful Hillary Clinton 2016 playbook there.

Trump and O’Donnell’s feud was rekindled in August 2015, when Trump brought her up in vile context during a GOP presidential debate.

Amazingly, it wasn't even close to one of the most absurd things he said or did during the campaign, but at the time, it was rather nuts.

Asked by Fox News’ Megyn Kelly about his alleged history of calling women “fat pigs,” “dogs,” “slobs” and “disgusting animals,” Trump said:

“Only Rosie O’Donnell.”

The President-Elect

They remained vocal enemies throughout the 2016 presidential election cycle, and we don't expect anything to change January 20.

Except for a possible visit to Rosie's house by the Secret Service and/or "Second Amendment People" if she keeps up these tweets.

You know how Donnie rolls. While calling for the assassination of politicians is never cool, we know he'll likely respond in kind on Twitter.

12 Days Of Perezmas: 2 Tide-Turning Political Figures!!

On the 2nd day of Perezmas, pop culture brought us... two tide-turning politicians!!

Sure, politics and pop culture don't usually mix -- but this year's savage election captivated (and enraged) the entire country with more backstabbing and bloodshed than an entire season of Game Of Thrones.

The two players in the presidential race were the antithesis of each other in every way -- feminism vs. misogyny, establishment vs. populism, pantsuits vs. hairpieces -- and left our nation feeling divided and defeated.

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton may not have been the two most divisive candidates in recent years, but one thing's for sure -- both powerhouses changed the game of politics like never before!

See what we mean...

CLICK HERE to view "2 Tide Turning Political Figures"

CLICK HERE to view "2 Tide Turning Political Figures"

CLICK HERE to view "2 Tide Turning Political Figures"

CLICK HERE to view "2 Tide Turning Political Figures"

CLICK HERE to view "2 Tide Turning Political Figures"

[Image via NBC.]

Donald Trump Russian Orgy Video: Actually in Existence?!

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin.

Are these two just a couple of besties with some wacky plans to take over the world, a la Pinky and the Brain, or is there something more sinister going on, a la a gritty Pinky and the Brain reboot directed by Werner Herzog?

Their relationship has remained shrouded by a mist of international intrigue and off-brand spray tan, but fortunately, freedom-loving Americans have a man on the inside who seems to have all the answers:

Funny Lakers Fan

Yes, Tom Arnold.

The actor and comedian who was previously best known for marrying Roseanne, starring on Roseanne's show, and divorcing Roseanne has become an unexpected fount of information regarding Trump's almost-admirably sketchy past.

Like, if Trump were the bad guy in a musical about American history, we'd probably belt out his theme song, but it sucks that he's actually about to be president while we're alive, ya know?

Anyway, Trump and Arnold are connected in the same way that Trump is connected to so many C-list-and-lower celebs.

Arnold competed on the Celebrity Apprentice, during which time he witnessed Trump engaging in some behavior that makes the 2016 election look like a sane man running for office. 

Donald Trump Double Chin

Arnold has already claimed to be in possession of a tape in which Trump goes off on a racist rant, which he didn't release prior to the election because ... he was busy doing Tom Arnold stuff.

Now, the situation is getting really weird.

Yes, weirder than an American presidency being undermined by Tom freakin' Arnold.

It seems the actor was pissed when he found out that Trump planned to sue him for speaking publicly about the racist rant tapes:

Donald Trump in Iowa

"Wife told me there's house line VM from Trump Camp about defamation suit so it's on! Open Apprentice vaults 4 discovery! Miss Universe too!!" he tweeted.

So how is planning to get back at the Donald?

Well, by pouring a little gasoline on the raging tire fire that is 2016 and getting Russia involved, of course:

Tom Arnold Tweet

That's Arnold defending his decision not to release the tapes and ... hinting at Trump's involvement in a Russian orgy.

Yes, this is the world we live in now.

Believe it or not, rumors about Trump gettin' down in a real-life Eyes Wide Shut-style group sex situation have been circulating online for years.

Arnold claims to have footage of the world's most nauseating porn, and it seems he's already in talks to release it:

Tom Arnold Tweets About Trump

It would explain why Trump is so beholden to Putin, but the more likely explanation is that he owes Russia an absurd amount of cash.

In somewhat related news, Russia has reportedly tested a weapon capable of downing U.S. satellites.

So make sure to enjoy what will likely be your last Christmas that's not celebrated under the giant Big Brother-style portraits of Putin that will soon be mandatory in every home.

Dasvidaniya, America!

Donald Trump Wins Electoral College Vote, Will Be President of the United States

Despite a last ditch effort by concerned citizens and Federalists, Donald J. Trump won the Electoral College vote and with it, the U.S. presidency.

Yes, Trump was elected president in November, but the Electoral College had not formalized that victory until Monday, and not without protests.

Donald Trump in Victory Tour

The president-elect ultimately won easily, racking up the 270 electoral votes needed to send him to the White House and then some.

Any talk of the Electoral College stopping Trump, as the framers of the system itself made possible as a failsafe, was a moot point.

Interest in the normally mundane, archaic process spiked this year after Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by more than 2.8 million.

And also because it's Donald Trump. Come on.

In the end, the brash reality star and businessman secured 304 electoral votes - just two fewer than he earned in the November election.

He let people know it, too, as only he can ...

Trump Win Tweet

Ridiculous tweets aside ... so much for the Hamilton Electors' efforts to deny him 270 and whispers that as many as 20 electors might defect.

Not only did it not happen, but more electors tried to defect from Clinton than from Trump, by a count of 7-2, according to media reports.

Three Democratic electors in Maine, Minnesota, and Colorado tried to vote for other candidates than the former Secretary of State.

Electors in both Maine and Minnesota attempted to cast a ballot for Bernie Sanders, while a Colorado elector tried to write in John Kasich.

In Washington, a state where Clinton prevailed by double digits a month ago, she received just eight of the state's 12 electoral votes.

Colin Powell received three and Native American tribal leader Faith Spotted Eagle received one as part of an effort to protest Trump.

Yes, that was actually a thing that occurred this afternoon.

Hillary Clinton Gives Thumbs Up

All of these faithless electors' votes, however, were disallowed because of state rules binding them to the statewide popular vote winner.

So beyond being a fun read for us, that was the end of that.

Despite a deluge of anti-Trump protesters descending on state capitols nationwide, nearly every Republican elector voted as expected.

Only one GOP elector, Christopher Suprun of Texas, pledged not to vote for Trump despite his state heavily favoring the future president.

One other Lone Star State elector also abandoned Trump.

The 538 members of the Electoral College met in all 50 states and Washington, D.C., Monday. Congress will certify the results on January 6.

No, there is no chance of stopping him then, either.

Trump Support Tweet

Trump did not take kindly to the grassroots movement to negate his win, just like he doesn't take kindly to bad Vanity Fair restaurant reviews.

The President-Elect was never at risk of losing, though, because if it came down to it, the U.S. House would never certify a vote to oust him.

That, combined with the fact that most state laws ban faithless electors, and most electors are, well, faithful, and this was a fool's errand.

Bill Clinton, for example, was a New York elector who voted for his wife, of course, while blaming the FBI and Russia for her defeat.

A bit of a stretch, but neither here nor there.

Like it or not, Donald Trump will be inaugurated on January 20, a day many have already circled on their calendars as the End of Days.

Kidding. Mostly.

Rick Perry Tapped as Donald Trump’s Choice For Energy Secretary

Supporters and detractors alike assumed that a Donald Trump presidency was certain to offer plenty of surprises and questionable moves that would have Constitutional scholars poring over the revered document with a jeweler's loop.

With his inauguration still more than a month away, however, Trump is flouting the rules and conventions of his office in ways that even the most chagrined alarmists wouldn't have thought possible just a few weeks back.

Rick Perry Picture

Trump's transition has been the subject of daily headlines, both for reasons thoroughly unexpected (a surprise visit from Kanye West), and widely feared (a cabinet packed with Wall St. insiders and fossil fuel profiteers).

Yesterday, Trump chose Exxon-Mobil CEO Rex Tillerson as his secretary of state.

The move came as something of a surprise, as Tillerson has no government experience, and enjoys such close ties to Russia that Vladimir Putin awarded him the country's Order of Friendship medal in 2013.

Tuesday, in an equally surprising move, Trump announced former Dancing With the Stars contestant and Governor of Texas Rick Perry as his choice for energy secretary.

Rick Perry Mug Shot

The choice of Perry may not initially seem like such a shock.

After all the 66-year-old served three terms as governor, ran for the GOP presidential nomination twice, and he wears smart-guy glasses now!

But it was during one of those presidential bids that Perry was taught the same valuable lesson that Will learned when he tried to impersonate Carlton in that episode of Fresh Prince:

Specs don't make the egghead.

Rick Perry at 2016 Republican National Convention

During a nationally televised debate, Perry announced his intention to eliminate three government departments if he were to be elected.

Unfortunately, he came up short, and was only able to remember two.

He later revealed that the crucial third department that slipped his mind was - you guessed it - the Energy Department.

The very agency Perry will likely soon be in charge of.

Rick Perry and Emma Slater

"As the Governor of Texas, Rick Perry created created a business climate that produced millions of new jobs and lower energy prices in his state, and he will bring that same approach to our entire country as Secretary of Energy," Trump said in a statement.

"My administration is going to make sure we take advantage of our huge natural resource deposits to make America energy independent and create vast new wealth for our nation, and Rick Perry is going to do an amazing job as the leader of that process."

Trump went on to say that he chose Tillerson as secretary of state, because he's also from Texas, which research has shown, is a state.

Okay, we're kidding about that last part, but really...

... Would you put it past him at this point?

Can You Dig Booker T As Houston Mayor, Sucka?

YES! YES!

Booker T, the five time, five time, five time, five time, five time World Heavyweight champion is planning on running for mayor of Houston in 2020.

Terry Gerin, better known to wrestling fans as Rhyno, recently ran for a seat on the Michigan House of Representatives. He didn’t win. But he had this to say about wrestling and politics mixing.

“Wrestling not only prepares you for life but it prepares you for positions like that because you feel the emotion from the people you know what they want, you’ve built yourself from where you were to where you’re at now.”

He failed to mention that outside of politics, wrestling is the most political business you can be in. There’s obviously precedent here with wrestlers winning major political elections. Jesse Ventura became the governor of Minnesota. And Donald Trump is the fuckin’ President.

Donald Trump: Electoral College Voters to Block President-Elect From White House?

In the two weeks since Donald Trump was elected president, the reality television star-turned political neophyte has done little to assure the millions who are concerned about his temperamental instability or his impractical and incendiary campaign promises that he is in fact prepared to assume the highest office in American politics.

In fact, the only time Trump made the slightest effort to convince those who didn't vote for him that he still has their best interests at heart was during an interview with 60 Minutes, in which he half-heartedly called for his more extremist followers to stop engaging in race-based intimidation.

Donald Trump in Reno

Other than that, Trump has shown little to know concern with regard to hate crimes committed in his name; he appointed a man with ties to the White Nationalist movement as his chief strategist; and he's engaged in petty online feuds with the casts of SNL and Hamilton, despite the fact that his thin-skinned inability to withstand criticism has frequently led to doubts about his ability to lead.

On top of all that, his administration is still grappling with several disconcerting legal matters, such as Trump's recent settlement of a $25 million fraud suit (despite promises to fight the charges in court); his charitable foundation's admission of unethical and possibly illegal self-dealing in a 2015 tax filing; and concerns that Trump is already in violation of the Constitution's Emoluments Clause.

Candidate Trump promised Americans a more "presidential" Trump in the event that he should win the election.

With less than two months remaining until Inauguration Day, he has yet to deliver.

Donald Trumped Up

Now, an unexpected group of powerful protesters is making a last-ditch attempt to block Trump from assuming office.

While their efforts may prove too little, too late, they may also save future generations from demagogues seeking to con their way into public office.

According to the New York Post, at least six Democrats on the Electoral College are prepared to serve as "faithless electors" and abandon Hillary Clinton in order to vote for Republican candidates other than Trump.

There hope is that GOP electors will follow suit, thus costing Trump the 270 votes he needs to secure the White House, and sending the decision of who will be our next president to the Republican-controlled House of Representatives.

Donald Trump: I Rule!

As you're probably, aware Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by more than 1.7 million votes, with several million more yet to be counted, most of them in Democratic strongholds, such as California.

The Democratic electors looking to block Trump have embarked on a quixotic mission, as it seems highly unlikely that they'll be able to convince 37 of their GOP counterparts to jump ship and send the nation into an even worse state of political upheaval.

However, their efforts may bring attention to the problematic nature of the Electoral College, eventually leading to crucial reforms or even its abolishment.

“Reform going forward has a better chance of succeeding than this effort,” Kermit Roosevelt, a professor at University of Pennsylvania Law School, told The Post.

“Most people do think if you get more votes you should win the election.”

President-elect Trump has yet to respond to news of this latest effort to block him from office.

We imagine he'll eventually share his views in a terse, 140-character statement to the American people.

Martin Shkreli Celebrates Trump Victory By Streaming $2 Million Wu Tang Album

So barring a revelation that he hasn’t revealed his tax returns because he’s been raking in the rubles on Putin’s payroll, Donald Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States of America in January.

You may be considering shaving your head, taking a vow of silence and moving into a Tibetan monastery in the Himalayas.

But before you get fitted for your Dalai Lama robes, you might want to spend some time in the temples of Shaolin – even it means gazing upon the obnoxious smirk of the world’s most punchable face:

Allow us to explain:

The douche in the photo above is Martin Shkreli.

Yes, you couldn’t pick a more apt name for for this human shart stain. 

It’s like he was lovingly hand-sculpted by the DaVinci of douches.  

Anyway, you might remember that mug from earlier this year, when Marty went viral after jacking up the price on a life-saving medication frequently prescribed to AIDS and cancer patients during his brief time as a pharmaceutical CEO.

Now, Shkreli didn’t raise the price by a few cents to increase profit margins.

No, he turned his greed machine up to 12 and hiked up the price of Daraprim from $13.50 a pill to $750 a pill.

We’ll save you the math: That’s a 5,455% increase.

Most people wouldn’t care for their names being attached to one of the most nauseating news stories of the year, but apparently Marty was starved for attention as a kid, because he ate that sh-t right up.

Whether it was harassing female journalists on Twitter or pretending that he broke his hand punching a wall over something Bernie Sanders tweeted, Marty did everything he could build himself a sizable social media following.

Martin Shkreli

One of his most memorable stunts involved the purchase of a $2 million Wu Tang Clan album that the group bafflingly only made one copy of.

The douche-bait worked, and Shkreli shelled out for the album, but instead of making available to others as the rappers assumed he would, he kept it to himself, because “NEVER SHARE ANYTHING, EVER!!!” is the first rule of Penis Wrinkle Club.

In recent months, Shkreli became a huge Donald Trump supporter, even though Trump – like just about everyone else on the planet – condemned Shkreli’s douche-tastic actions and basically said he’d like to shove the dweeb into his locker.

Shkreli’s love for President-Elect Trump (*has convulsive 30-minute seizure, comes back*) is so profound that he promised his supporters he would stream the album online if Trump won the election.

As you know, Trump won the election (*has longer, more intense seizure, crawls back to laptop*), and now Marty is making good on his promise.

Martin Shkreli Pic

The only problem is, it’s still hard to find, because the Internet is in the process of slowly giving Shkreli the Uncle Phil-DJ Jazzy Jeff treatment:

“More music comes out when OkCupid, Twitch and Youtube unban me,” Shkreli tweeted today.

“Trump won, sorry, don’t take it out on me.

Getting banned from OK Cupid is no easy feat, so it’s safe to assume that Marty takes a lot of cues from his hero Donnie when it comes to interacting with women.

We’re not about to link to Shkreli’s Twitter page, but you can find pieces of the album on there.

Sadly, he’s no longer auctioning off the right to punch him in the face.

Now, THAT we would link to.

Donald Trump Acceptance Speech: Watch Now!

Donald Trump delivered the final nail in Hillary Clinton's presidential race last night with his epic acceptance speech.

He riled the crowd up, united the (Trump) supporters, and took a 17-minute segment of time to deliver his first speech as President-elect. 

Read the terrifying transcript below.

"Thank you," he opened. "Thank you very much, everybody. Sorry to keep you waiting. Complicated business. Complicated."

"Thank you very much. I've just received a call from Secretary Clinton."

"She congratulated us," he continued. "It's about us on our victory, and I congratulated her and her family on a very, very hard-fought campaign. I mean, she fought very hard."

And the crowd goes wild.

"Hillary has worked very long and very hard over a long period of time, and we owe her a major debt of gratitude for her service to our country. I mean that very sincerely." 

HRC vs. DJT

"Now it is time for America to bind the wounds of division, have to get together. To all Republicans and Democrats and independents across this nation, I say it is time for us to come together as one united people."

"It is time. I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be President for all of Americans, and this is so important to me."

"For those who have chosen not to support me in the past, of which there were a few people, I'm reaching out to you for your guidance and your help so that we can work together and unify our great country."

"As I've said from the beginning, ours was not a campaign but rather an incredible and great movement, made up of millions of hard-working men and women who love their country and want a better, brighter future for themselves and for their family."

"It is a movement comprised of Americans from all races, religions, backgrounds, and beliefs, who want and expect our government to serve the people -- and serve the people it will."

Donald Trump Time?

"Working together, we will begin the urgent task of rebuilding our nation and renewing the American dream. I've spent my entire life in business, looking at the untapped potential in projects and in people all over the world."

"That is now what I want to do for our country. Tremendous potential. I've gotten to know our country so well. Tremendous potential. It is going to be a beautiful thing."

"Every single American will have the opportunity to realize his or her fullest potential. The forgotten men and women of our country will be forgotten no longer."

"We are going to fix our inner cities and rebuild our highways, bridges, tunnels, airports, schools, hospitals. We're going to rebuild our infrastructure, which will become, by the way, second to none."

"And we will put millions of our people to work as we rebuild it. We will also finally take care of our great veterans who have been so loyal, and I've gotten to know so many over this 18-month journey."

Donald Trumped Up

"The time I've spent with them during this campaign has been among my greatest honors. Our veterans are incredible people. We will embark upon a project of national growth and renewal."

"I will harness the creative talents of our people, and we will call upon the best and brightest to leverage their tremendous talent for the benefit of all. It is going to happen."

"We have a great economic plan. We will double our growth and have the strongest economy anywhere in the world. At the same time, we will get along with all other nations willing to get along with us. We will be."

"We will have great relationships. We expect to have great, great relationships. No dream is too big, no challenge is too great." 

"Nothing we want for our future is beyond our reach. America will no longer settle for anything less than the best. We must reclaim our country's destiny and dream big and bold and daring."

Donald Trump in Reno

"We have to do that. We're going to dream of things for our country, and beautiful things and successful things once again."

"I want to tell the world community that while we will always put America's interests first, we will deal fairly with everyone, with everyone. All people and all other nations. We will seek common ground, not hostility; partnership, not conflict."

"And now I would like to take this moment to thank some of the people who really helped me with this, what they are calling tonight a very, very historic victory."

"First, I want to thank my parents, who I know are looking down on me right now. Great people. I've learned so much from them. They were wonderful in every regard. Truly great parents."

"I also want to thank my sisters, Marianne and Elizabeth, who are here with us tonight. Where are they? They're here someplace. They're very shy, actually."

"And my brother Robert, my great friend. Where is Robert? Where is Robert? My brother Robert, and they should be on this stage, but that's okay. They're great. And also my late brother Fred, great guy. Fantastic guy. Fantastic family. I was very lucky."

"Great brothers, sisters, great, unbelievable parents. To Melania and Don and Ivanka and Eric and Tiffany and Barron, I love you and I thank you, and especially for putting up with all of those hours. This was tough. This was tough."

"This political stuff is nasty, and it is tough. So I want to thank my family very much. Really fantastic. Thank you all. Thank you all." 

"Lara, unbelievable job. Unbelievable. Vanessa, thank you. Thank you very much. What a great group. You've all given me such incredible support, and I will tell you that we have a large group of people."

Donald Trump GIF

"You know, they kept saying we have a small staff. Not so small. Look at all of the people that we have. Look at all of these people."

"And Kellyanne and Chris and Rudy and Steve and David. We have got tremendously talented people up here, and I want to tell you it's been very, very special."

"I want to give a very special thanks to our former mayor, Rudy Giuliani. He's unbelievable. Unbelievable. He traveled with us and he went through meetings, and Rudy never changes. Where is Rudy. Where is he?" 

"Gov. Chris Christie, folks, was unbelievable. Thank you, Chris. The first man, first senator, first major, major politician. Let me tell you, he is highly respected in Washington because he is as smart as you get."

"Sen. Jeff Sessions. Where is Jeff? A great man. Another great man, very tough competitor. He was not easy. He was not easy."

Donald Trump: I Rule!

"Who is that? Is that the mayor that showed up? Is that Rudy? Up here."

"Really a friend to me, but I'll tell you, I got to know him as a competitor because he was one of the folks that was negotiating to go against those Democrats, Dr. Ben Carson. Where's Ben? Where is Ben?"

"By the way, Mike Huckabee is here someplace, and he is fantastic. Mike and his family Sarah, thank you very much. Gen. Mike Flynn. Where is Mike?"

"And Gen. Kellogg. We have over 200 generals and admirals that have endorsed our campaign and they are special people. We have 22 Congressional Medal of Honor people."

"A very special person who, believe me, I read reports that I wasn't getting along with him. I never had a bad second with him. He's an unbelievable star. He is ... that's right, how did you possibly guess? Let me tell you about Reince."

Donald Trump Stares

"I've said Reince. I know it. I know it. Look at all of those people over there. I know it, Reince is a superstar. I said, they can't call you a superstar, Reince, unless we win it."

"Like Secretaria, he would not have that bust at the track at Belmont. Reince is really a star and he is the hardest-working guy, and in a certain way I did this."

"Reince, come up here. Get over here, Reince. Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. It's about time you did this right. My God. Nah, come here. Say something. Amazing guy."

"Our partnership with the RNC was so important to the success and what we've done, so I also have to say, I've gotten to know some incredible people."

Donald Trump in Pennsylvania

"The Secret Service people. They're tough and they're smart and they're sharp and I don't want to mess around with them, I can tell you."

"And when I want to go and wave to a big group of people and they rip me down and put me back down in the seat, but they are fantastic people so I want to thank the Secret Service."

"And law enforcement in New York City, they're here tonight. These are spectacular people, sometimes underappreciated unfortunately. We appreciate them."

"So it's been what they call a historic event, but to be really historic, we have to do a great job, and I promise you that I will not let you down."

"We will do a great job."

Donald Trump on the Stump

"I look very much forward to being your President, and hopefully at the end of two years or three years or four years or maybe even eight years you will say so many of you worked so hard for us, with you."

"You will say that - you will say that that was something that you were -  really were very proud to do and I can  thank you very much."

"And I can only say that while the campaign is over, our work on this movement is now really just beginning." 

"We're going to get to work immediately for the American people, and we're going to be doing a job that hopefully you will be so proud of your President."

"You will be so proud. Again, it's my honor. It's an amazing evening."

"It's been an amazing two-year period, and I love this country. Thank you."

"Thank you very much. Thank you to Mike Pence." 

Presidential Election Results 2016: Who Will Win?!

November 8, 2016. 

A campaign that spanned the better part of two years all came down to Tuesday evening, with the 45th occupant of the Oval Office to be determined.

Will Hillary Clinton eke this one out? Will Donald Trump pull off an upset? Soon enough, we will know who will be president come January.

HRC vs. DJT

We've had months to digest what each candidate brings to the table, their strengths and flaws, in what has become a political bloodbath.

You've had months to profess your not-actually-profound views on Facebook in hopes of influencing people who blocked you weeks ago.

Now it's time to get it done. Go exercise your civic duty. If you're on the west coast and wondering where do I vote, there's still time. 

Go make it happen. Then sit back and watch the results roll in as this insane roller coaster takes its final turn toward the finish line.

Either way, history will be made in a presidential election like no other ... and either way, the deluge of absurd ads will be over at least. 

Trump v. Clinton

Earlier this morning in Chappaqua, N.Y., Hillary Clinton became the first woman to cast a presidential vote for herself as a major party candidate.

She's all but certain to win the Empire State's 29 Electoral Votes against Donald J. Trump, who also voted for himself today in Manhattan.

While N.Y. State is not up for grabs, plenty of other states are, and national polls show a very tight race, with a modest Clinton advantage.

Are the polls right? We're about to find out.

We'll be updating this post with the numbers as they become available. For now, and throughout the day/night, sound off on this historic event!

Tell us in the comments: Who will prevail, and who are you voting for? Is the system rigged? Will she (or he) be an effective president?

And the Winner is?

Donald, Hillary or... Gary? Who has your vote to be the next President of the United States? View Poll »