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Seal Will Just Chow Down On an Entire, Plain Loaf of Bread

I think we may have finally solved the mystery of “why is Seal out there borrowing salad spinners from people?” It turns out he’s not much of an “eating salad” guy, he’s more of a “eating an entire loaf of bread, one slice at a time, with nothing on it” guy. We know this because Carly Rae Jepsen watched him do it, which I believe because how do you even look away from that unfolding.

Here’s what Jepsen told Zane Lowe on Beats 1, via Spin:

Carly Rae: They were making travel less expensive. This was their thing. Fun fact, Seal ate an entire loaf of bread one slice at a time. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t say that.

Zane Lowe: Who is this person? Oh my God.

Carly Rae: It was gluten-free though. So that’s good.

Oh, well, it was gluten free, that’s way less weird. It gets better.

Jepsen also revealed that she secretly filmed Seal eating this loaf—pretending-t0-text style—and still has the footage on her cell phone. “He opened the bread, he removed a piece, he closed the bread, he ate the whole piece, nothing on it,” she said. “Then he did it all over again.”

Holy shit. This is serial killer behavior. If someone just eats bread in front of you without talking (he wasn’t talking, just eating bread), call the police. They absolutely have a necklace made of ring fingers somewhere in their house. There’s photographic evidence of this, too.

Awesome hangin with Carly Rae Jepsen and Seal in #Winnipeg at charity event for David Foster !!!

Posted by Michael Bolton on Monday, September 26, 2016

Why is he holding bread like that? Look how excited he is to have bread. This is either the most elaborate celebrity practical joke on the public ever played or Seal has 100% put his dick inside a loaf of bread. And he probably split that loaf in half. Which, to be fair, is what you’re supposed to do with bread.

The post Seal Will Just Chow Down On an Entire, Plain Loaf of Bread appeared first on The Blemish.

Seal Under Investigation for Sexual Battery After Saying More People Should Go To Prison For Sexual Misconduct

There are a lot of ways to communicate to someone that you’re interested in them sexually. A glance, a light touch on the arm, biting your lip… there are thousands of little signals we send out, some unconsciously, every day. One thing that separates me from Grammy Award-winning singer and former Heidi Klum husband Seal is that I’ve never considered the sentence “Can I get the salad spinner I lent you back?” to be an invitation to fuck.

According to TMZ, this is exactly what happened to Seal’s neighbor. She asked him for her salad spinner and he heard “grab my titty.” Which is weird.

Actress Tracey Birdsall tells us she and Seal were neighbors in Los Angeles in the fall of 2016. She says the two developed a close friendship — and only that — until an incident at Seal’s home. Tracey says she was in Seal’s kitchen to retrieve a salad spinner she’d lent him when all of a sudden, he lunged at her.

Tracey tells us Seal forced himself on her, attempting to kiss her. She says she shouted, “What are you doing?!” and the singer replied, “I’m kissing you!”

Okay, we’ve all been there, you try to kiss someone and they’re not as into it as you thought they would be. That’s fine, you just apologize and move on with your lives, you’ll probably laugh about it later.

Birdsall claims Seal then began to belittle her for what she was wearing (a tank top and shorts) — insinuating she was asking for it — and he began to grope her breasts. She says she demanded he stop.

Or you can do that. That’s definitely a way to go. I don’t recommend it, because I don’t know what part of “I don’t want to kiss you” means “Say I look like a slut and grope me.”

Also, she says he “made fun of” what she was wearing… was Seal trying to neg this lady? Is that how he got Heidi Klum, telling her that the designer outfits she wore on the runway were dumb?

Anyway, Seal went on social media and encouraged women to come forward with their stories of sexual misconduct, so Tracey Birdsall did exactly that, and reported Seal to the police for sexual battery, which was probably not what he had in mind when he said perpetrators of sexual misconduct should go to jail.

You know, I couldn’t turn on a radio for years without hearing’‘Kiss From A Rose,” you’re telling me Seal can’t afford his own salad spinner? Buy a salad spinner, Seal!

Chrissy Teigen Slams Seal For Oprah-Bashing Meme

There are random feuds, and then there’s whatever the hell this is.

As you may have heard, millions of grownups want Oprah to run for president because she made a nice speech at the Golden Globes, and having a former TV star in the White House is currently working out so well for us.

But apparently Oprah only managed to win over roughly 99.99999 percent of the Earth’s population.

Sadly, she’s missing the all-important Seal vote.

Yes, Heidi Klum’s ex holds opinions on matters other than which flower is the most kissable.

(Surprisingly, it’s the one with all the thorns.)

For instance, he belongs to the microscopic minority that believes Batman Forever is the finest superhero film ever produced.

And he also thinks Oprah needs to sit her ass down because she’s just another Hollywood heathen.

Oprah Meme

Seal posted the above meme to Instagram this week, and in case it was too subtle for you, he did whatever the British equivalent of spiking the football is with this scathing caption:

“Oh I forgot, that’s right…..you’d heard the [rumors] but you had no idea he was actually serially assaulting young [starry]-eyed actresses who in turn had no idea what they were getting into. My bad. #SanctimoniousHollywood.”

Yes, Seal is accusing Oprah of being complicit in the Harvey Weinstein sex scandals.

Because now is a great time to dogpile on women and blame them for the revolting actions of a disgusting dude.

Fortunately, powerful females like Oprah and Meryl Streep–both of whom have been crucified for having once associating with a guy who was later accused of rape–have an equally powerful defender in Chrissy Teigen.

You may be thinking that Oprah can certainly fight her own battles, and you would be right.

But she also can’t stoop to the level of being with freakin’ Seal on Instagram.

For that, she needs a pitbull like Chrissy in her corner.

The model and media personality basically burned Seal to the ground with a single comment on his dumb anti-Oprah meme.

“Hmm. Let’s just say we’ve all heard things about each other, haven’t we?” she wrote.

Teigen didn’t go into detail, but clearly, she’s got the goods on ya boy Seal.

Here’s hoping he tries to call her bluff and she pulls the trigger.

Or should we say … seals the deal?

We’ll show ourselves out.