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World’s Dumbest Lovers: Man Jailed After Woman Accidentally Shoots Her Vagina

I’m not the world’s greatest lover. I do alright, and I’ve left some women quite satisfied, but I’ve also had my fair share of fumbling, awkward encounters that weren’t that much fun for anyone involved. But I’m clearly not the world’s worst lover, either. That honor goes to David Jeffers, 47, of Leeds who was sentenced to ten years in prison after he accidentally shot his lover, 46, in the vagina while he was fucking her with a loaded shotgun.

Jeffers was originally charged with attempted murder after the woman, whose name British law prevents papers there from reporting, told police Jeffers was a “bad man” who tried to “blow her insides out”. However, these charges were reduced to possession of a firearm with intent to endanger a life after text messages revealed that she was a willing participant in the stupidest sex act I’ve ever heard of, having texted Jeffers the night before “I can’t sleep, so excited.”

The prosecutor, Oliver Saxby QC (Queen’s Counsel) described the incident as follows, per The Telegraph:

“The defendant is 47 years of age and falls to be sentenced upon count three of the indictment. The victim is 46 years of age and was employed in the Stockport area which was some distance from her home and would regularly stay over at the Britannia.

“On the evening of the 30th of January 2017 she was stayed at the hotel where the defendant met her and they spent the evening together. Text messages between the two confirmed this was an intimate relationship. The defendant had access to a loaded fire arm which has never been found.

“The weapon, as described by both the victim and defendant was some form of shot gun or weapon capable of discharging shots. In appearance it looked like a small hand gun or musket of some form.

“From text messages received from his sister’s phone it would appear that the defendant was no stranger to the possession of a loaded fire arm. Whether the text message related to the fire arm used that evening it is not possible to say but acquisition of this fire arm was not by chance.

“Drugs and alcohol had been consumed by both of them and tests confirmed the presence of cocaine in the victim’s system and there is CCTV footage of the pair purchasing spirits from a nearby off license that evening.

“There was consensual sex and at some stage the defendant inserted the loaded firearm into her vagina which was then discharged, casing catastrophic internal injuries.

“As she lay grievously injured the defendant dressed and took with him the firearm and his mobile phone, using the room phone to dial reception and request an ambulance indicating that a female had been shot. He then left the hotel by the rear exit where he then fled to Leeds making no further enquiries about his victim’s well-being.

“The night manager who answered the phone went upstairs to investigate and once in the room he saw her laying naked face down on the bed and was in-coherent saying she had been shot. She was in considerable pain saying: ‘I am in agony, I am going to die.'”

Holy crap. For starters, I think we should stop referring to the woman involved as “the victim” and start calling her “the other dumbass”. Having sex with a loaded shotgun is just asking for something to go wrong. I get it, some people are turned on by danger or risk, but this is far beyond the limits of common sense. And if the only way you can come is to have a shotgun shoved up inside your business, don’t get drunk and coked up beforehand, you don’t want to get sloppy while there’s a shotgun inside you. But luckily for all the men in the world, next time your wife or girlfriend or Tinder hookup is annoyed that you’re a little too quick on the draw, just show her this story, because no matter how bad the sex is, it wasn’t “getting your uterus blown out by a shotgun” bad.

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London Is Full of Classy People Being Fingered

Imagine this. You dress up in your finest for a night out, pick up your date for a fancy meal, head over to Nando’s for a snack and as the alcohol transfusion begins to take hold, romance begins to blossom between both of you. You’re now in lust but getting a cab and going back to either one of your places seems like 10 minutes too long. So what do you do?

Simple. You step outside and start finger blasting your date while she gives you head right outside the restaurant. Sure, strangers are snapping this and it’s going to be on the internet in a matter of minutes, but in that moment, the only people who exist are you two sexually gratifying youreslves in the filthy street.

Veggie Fucker Goes to Jail

It’s not as if there’s a law against banging produce, but you’ve got to figure that the kinds of people having sex with vegetables in public are breaking some sort of law anyway.

Charles Ransier, a 56-year-old resident of New Braunfels Texas is going to jail. He’s got a life sentence for among other things, tampering with evidence.

Let me paint you the morbid picture. A state trooper found Ransier sitting in his truck with a veritable menagerie of no-no items. He had on his person everything from meth-filled syringes, to male enhancement pills, and where would he be without lube, children’s clothing and a bunch of frozen cucumbers. Sounds like the guy was pretty zonked out on the meth, not to mention singed from the melted candle wax on his chest.

He refused to comply with the trooper, broke off the needle, and put up a fight. After being summarily subdued, the trooper found the rest of Ransier’s weirdo collection. Yes, you read that correctly, it didn’t end with the frozen cucumbers. Ransier also had in his truck normal stuff like Barbie dolls, candy, balloons, baby oil, Viagra, duct tape, and rope.

Maybe life is a harsh sentence for a first offense right? Well Ransier had also been arrested for fucking a squash in 2012. That must have been painful too, because I hear that everything is larger in Texas.

Two Camels Stopped Traffic with Their Lovemaking

If you’re in the mood for a little afternoon voyeur action, have I got a video for you. Make sure your significant other doesn’t catch you watching this raw public amateur video.

I can’t believe YouTube allowed this video on their channel. Usually, you have to pay for such content. Even the camera work is excellent. This is a rare gem that you’re unlikely to find again. However, if you want to possibly catch this kind of public display of affection for yourself, just head over to Dubai, where this was recorded.

I just hope they don’t regret this video a year from now when they’ve broken up. It’ll be on the Internet forever.

This Church School Teacher Became a TV Porn Star

Good. I bet TV porn pays way better.

Last year xHamster, one of the biggest porn media sites in the world, launched a porn reality show called The Sex Factor, where people with experience competed for a porn industry in. Sounds like a tolerable America’s Next Top Model.

There was a male and female winner, and female winner Blair Williams kept it weird by being a devout Catholic who had only lost her virginity a year before going on the show. Weirdly enough, she seemed to have the best time of any contestant, getting ready to be fucked every which way with no Catholic guilt whatsoever.

Being Blair Williams definitely has its ups and downs for the ex-church school teacher, whose real name is Taylor, and whose parents are very disappointed. She talked about it with Dazed:

“What’s hardest for my mom is the stigma around my intelligence or capability as a person because of my job,” she says. “I’m college-educated and had an academic scholarship – how else can I prove that my career was a thought-out decision? There’s this idea that I’m not using my brain the way I’m supposed to, when really, I’m using the tools I have to succeed in a job, just like any other job.”

She also says that getting smacked in the face with dicks all day doesn’t make her any less religious.

“I still believe in God. Religion doesn’t condemn you; the people who follow it obsessively do. If I went back to my church, I feel like I couldn’t tell people what I do without being taken into a back room for a fucking exorcism. I have a problem with people who like to speak on behalf of God. They place their fear of sexuality onto me. People use religion as a weapon because they’re uncomfortable with themselves.”

Hallelujah.

What happens in Vegas…

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Over-priced Real Estate Agent Blair

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👄JAWS with @jennasativa🍭🍌

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The thing about a little sin is that it turns into a BIG one. #AmishProverb

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Happy Easter🐇

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Sex Session Breaks Out at Tennis Match

You know how tennis players grunt when they hit the ball? People like Maria Sharapova.

If you listen to that video with the sound off, it sounds like the greatest night of sex.

Well, the grunting didn’t come from any tennis players this time. Frances Tiafoe and Mitchell Krueger played each other at the Sarasota Open in Florida. Their match probably would’ve ended like any tennis match except for a women’s loud, passionate moans from somewhere around the stadium. Everyone in the stadium could hear it. At one point, Tiafoe yells out “it can’t be that good!”

Check out the video around 1:50 in.

Turn it up if you can’t hear it. All the way up so everyone around you can hear also.

Those are quality moans, so perfect that they’ve gotta be fake. It’s like one of those library pranks where some student’s computer “accidentally” starts playing a porno.

FAAAAKE. It’s a good laugh nonetheless for what looks like a boring ass tennis match.

[H/T BroBible]

The Great Wall Gets Toppled In A Poor Opening Weekend In Theaters

It wasn’t supposed to go like this for The Great Wall!

Chinese filmmaker Zhang Yimou‘s big flick starring Matt Damon (pictured above) was supposed to be a big deal in the U.S., but it completely bombed over the long Presidents Day weekend — totaling only about $21 million from more than 3,325 theaters.

Yikes!!

Related: Lots Of Controversy For Damon And This Movie, Too…

Considering the film had a $150 million production budget, that’s a very, very bad showing — and remember, this is coming on a technically long weekend at the box office, with Monday’s holiday factoring into the totals, too.

Then again, maybe it was an entire box office thing; the other new release this weekend, A Cure For Wellness, showed out very poorly, too (under $5 million in total gross across 1,750 theaters), as did the comedy Fist Fight, which took in just $14.6 million from 3,100 theaters across the country.

Ouch!

So where did al the money come from?!

Well, look no further than what we’ve already seen in theaters, now making its second and third go-rounds: Fifty Shades Darker did fairly well, with a $20.9 million total in the three day period and, including tomorrow’s holiday, a projected $24.1 million take to add to its growing domestic tally.

And the Lego Batman Movie did well, too — it has now topped $100 million in the U.S. after taking in $45 million on the four day gross for Presidents Day weekend!

So, yeah — Matt Damon and company just lost (bigly!) to a lego movie that wasn’t even a new release.

Related: Matt Damon Reacts To George Clooney Becoming A Father!

That box office sure can be unforgiving sometimes!!!

Then again, The Great Wall has already nabbed $171 million in Chinese box office earnings, and another $73.6 million from other foreign markets, so even if it continues to do poorly in America, well, it’s winning its own race.

What about you, Perezcious readers?! Did you see anything this weekend??

Let us know your movie thoughts in the comments (below)!!!

[Image via Universal Pictures.]

Deer and Monkeys Are Now Doing It

Sure, why not.

Shit started getting fucking weird and shitty in 2016, and following the deaths of everyone you loved in 2016, 2017 is showing no signs of slowing its roll. In fact, according to science, monkeys and deer are now consensually fucking.

While sex between different species of animals isn’t unheard of, it’s not exactly that common, and usually creatures stick to genetically similar other species, unless they are in captivity and don’t have another choice. It’s pretty weird to see a macaque straight up mount a deer.

The researchers wrote that one deer “seemed to accept to be ridden by the male macaque”, and that it was apparently licking sperm that had been deposited on its back by the monkey. Another deer refused the mount and threw the macaque off its back.

I, for one, welcome this sign of the end times with open arms. I’m tired.

Scientists are considering several explanations, such as male macaques are having trouble finding lady macaques to jizz all over or that it was mating season and the deer just happened to be there.

It was probs all that tequila tho. We have all mated with species we were ashamed of after too much tequila. Let’s be real.

[H/T Uproxx]

Robot-Human Marriage May Be Legal by 2050, Everyone Will Be Too Busy Having Sex With Robots to Care

If Siri’s been seeming more and more attractive lately, you may be able to marry her as soon as 2050.

Adrian Cheok, director of the Mixed Reality Lab in Singapore recently spoke at the “Love and Sex with Robots Conference” in London. Did not know we needed a conference about love and sex with robots, since I just assumed that all robotics technology is going towards a workable SexBot.

Anyway, Adrian said that marriage between a human and robot may be legal by 2050. She cites the acceptance of gay and interracial marriage as signposts that human-robot coupling will eventually be just as valid as any human-human relationship. Cheok said “A lot of human marriages are very unhappy… Compared to a bad marriage, a robot will be better than a human.”

The fact we are nowhere near a robot with the technology and intelligence to even have sex with, let alone fall in love, doesn’t seem to matter. So, as soon as these near human robots hit the shelves, they’re predicting it’ll be socially acceptable very quickly.

So, if you’re lonely and haven’t found a human to suit your needs, you just have to wait another 30 some years. That robot vagina better be worth it.

Cat Owners: It Turns Out Breathing in All That Cat Poop Can Make You Kinky

Everyone makes fun of cat owners, acting like they are crazy forever alone weirdos that will die in a pile of litter and fur balls.

It turns out that, that might not actually be true, and scientifically, cat owners are some kinky motherfuckers due to the parasites they picked up from handling cat shit.

What?

Yeah, it turns out from handling cat poop, you can pick up toxoplasmosis and all kinds of parasites. This condition can alter you,  making you more likely to be aroused by fear, danger, and submission.

If this sounds fake to you, it was actually part of a 36,500 person study in Central Europe. Which doesn’t make it sound any less fake, honestly. They do some weird studies over there.

Apparently about a third of the world’s population has this condition, but it is generally symptomless and causes no problems. Only the unlucky few develop flu-like symptoms, or possibly even mental illness and severe behavioral changes. Or just wanna get tied up and smacked around a little and get their Fifty Shades of Grey on.

Science is wild.

[Image: Flickr/Vassillis]

Virtual Reality Sex Cinemas Will Soon Make Sex Obsolete

Awesome. I hope so. I hope more people dump their seed all over movie theater chairs or in robots. The planet is overpopulated enough.

Spanish researchers are currently developing virtual reality porn theaters where the audience will be able to take part in virtual orgies with the actors. Via touch screen, 3D glasses, surround sound, and vibrating seats, up to twelve people at a time will be able to engage in virtual gangbangs with stars. In the future, this may even involve sex robots to make the shows interactive.

The Daily Mail reports that Christina Portales of the University of Valencia told experts at a recent Love and Sex with Robots conference (yeah, that’s totally real) in London:

All senses have been integrated. People will see, people will smell, people will touch. They will feel the movement. It is not an individual activity. It is a group.

Inventors say this will be more addictive than porn. I’ll bet you ten dollars it makes sex obsolete.

[Image: Flickr/Lauri Väin]

This Doll Makes Very Inappropriate Sounds When You Press It

So this might be fake, along with 10% of the stories out there these days. Supposedly, Shevon Potts bought this innocent looking baby that coos when you press it. Except this baby doesn’t coo. Just listen.

That cooing sounds more like hardcore, Saturday night moaning. Is this the Jenna Jameson model?

Potts went onto the retailer’s Facebook page and complained:

Bought this baby for my daughters birthday, at argos clearance. And im absolutely horrified at the “baby cry” it just does not sound like a babies cry!! i wont even let me daughter leave the house with it!!

Argos, the retailer, understandably wanted to find out who’s been inserting porn star moans into their babies. They asked Potts for the catalogue number, which she didn’t have, then suggested she return it.

Meanwhile, someone’s very confused and disturbed right now by their sex doll making baby noises.

Illinois Bans ‘Smut’ Book, Has No Idea Teens are Doing Way More Than Reading About Sex

the-god-of-small-things

At Lemont High School in Illinois, a book has been taken off the shelves and they are reconsidering their entire curriculum to remove any potentially salacious texts.

The God of Small Things by Arundhati Roy was removed from an English class over sections that were deemed inappropriate. The hubbub over this is spilling over, as now some parents are worried about what other sexual materials their teens might be reading.

The Maya Angelou classic, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, is coming under fire for describing the rape of an 8-year-old girl. The fact that that girl was Maya Angelou, it’s all a true story, and hearing about peoples lives and struggles can help us all have empathy and be inspired by their triumph, doesn’t matter to the parents.

Resident Rick Ligthart prepared a statement for his ideas for change in the school.

“Regardless of the books, I’m recommending to the board that no literature whatsoever be inclusive of literal metaphorical, figurative or allegorical words for male or female genitals. English classes should not be involved in sexuality in literature for our kids. It shouldn’t be in any books — no books. We can’t have 18-year-olds reading about masturbation or sexual issues, regardless of the literature,” he added. “I don’t care if it’s from Dickens or who else.”

Having 18-year-olds just read about sex and jerking off would be a wonderful reprieve from all the actual sex and jerking off they’re currently doing. Also, taking out any word referring to “penis” or “vagina” would take out a real chunk of the library and I’m pretty sure the Bible would be on that banned book bonfire.

So far the school hasn’t banned any more books, but says they’ll take concerns into consideration. Hopefully, the parents aren’t too scarred by coming out of their beautiful dream world where high schoolers have never heard any allusions to sex and their own kids are certainly not banging their girlfriends while their Dad writes incensed letters to the school board.

Joe Jonas Confirms He Lost His Virginity To Ex Ashley Greene!

Joe Jonas is NOT holding back!

On Tuesday, the DNCE frontman did a revealing Reddit AMA where fans could truly ask him anything! Not surprisingly, the most popular topic was the 27-year-old's sex life!

Related: Shirtless Joe Jonas Looks RIPPED

When asked who he lost his virginity to, Mr. Jonas responded:

"I lost my virginity to this girl named Ashley. You can probably just Google it. It's pretty easy to figure out. I dated a girl named Ashley, so just Google it to figure out which Ashley that is."

In case you aren't familiar, he's talking about ex Ashley Greene who he dated a couple of years back. Turns out, their sexy night was quite the adventure!

"It's quite the great story because I didn't have any condoms, so I went to our drummer, Jack's room, who was my roommate at the time and I demolished his room looking for them. Found them underneath his underwear drawer. When he came home, he thought somebody broke into his room because his whole room was demolished because I was in dire need. Needed to happen then and now. Safety first, kids."

Additionally, another Reddit user asked if he had the biggest penis out of all the Jonas Brothers! Joe responded:

"I like to think so. Although, it's not often that I'm in a locker room or shower with my brothers, so I couldn't really tell you. But, I'd like the Internet to believe that I'm still killin' it."

Don't worry Joe. We absolutely believe you're killin' it!

[Image via WENN.]

Canadian Teacher Suspended for Saying the Kind of Shit to Students That’s Too Stupid for Bad Pornos

elizabeth-green

Jennifer Elizabeth Green-Johnson has been saying really weird shit to her 10-12th grade students at Dunnville Secondary School in Ontario, Canada. Not even like sexy shit. I mean, I think she’s trying, but I can’t tell. What is it with all these horny weird teachers?

First off, this gross bitch looks like some kinda sunburned turnip.

Second, she says weird fucking shit constantly. She recently told a student “lick me where I fart.” She regularly calls kids pedophiles, says “fuck you” to them, and even makes the kind of jokes your weird uncle makes every year at Thanksgiving. I’m talking “It’s debate, not masturbate.”

She insults her female students when she doesn’t like their outfits, and after seeing two male students wrestling outside her classroom looked at one of them and went “so, you like it from behind?”

This chick either needs to be fired or given her own tv show ASAP.