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2018 Jingle Ball Hosts Every Red Hot Young Celeb Singer On One Amazing Red Carpet

What better way to jingle your balls this evening than by checking out all of the hottest young artists in the world at this year’s Jingle Ball. Apparently this is the hottest, most contractually obligated event of the year, and we’ve got lots of digging through hotties to get to…

First up is Rita Ora, looking perfect in pink and black, a look that suits her just beautifully. Ashley Tisdale shows a little leg where her boots and dress fail to meet, which is something for you thigh guys out there!

I have no idea who Zara Larsson is, but she looks kinda like Emily Browning, which is a green light in my book! Meghan Trainor came out of self-imposed exile to show lots of cleavage, which is always welcome. Madison Beer was there as well, though her camo outfit made it hard to pick her out amongst the various greenery on display.

Bebe Rexha wore a bathrobe, which is sexy, while Dua Lipa barely keeps her boobs inside this ice-skater-number she’s got on. Wonder what the Norwegian judge will give her. There’s a whole other set of pics from a whole other red carpet event here as well, so make sure to check out all this hotness. Just be careful you don’t melt!

Photo Credit: Splash News / MEGA

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Joy Corrigan Tiny Bikini Begging For A Nip Slip

Does it count as a bikini top if she only took the hand towel from the bathroom and tied it around her chest? Aren’t there any standards for what qualifies as a bikini these days?

I am all for innovation, but I also appreciate clarity. By simply labeling this a bikini we are doing a disservice to all the men and women who want to find more of these swimsuits, or pictures of these swimsuits. But instead of being able to search for “pirate sash bikini” and getting a million hits, they have to type in “bikini” and sift through the horror show of a billions of every type of bikini with a chance of never finding what they want. And that does not even mention the toll that looking at all of those models has on a person.

I am a shell of the man I once was because of this job. Staring at perfect physiques all day gets so boring I can hardly even appreciate a beautiful woman anymore. My one consolation is that I know it could be worse. I could be forced to look at male models all day.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Model Pixie Geldof’s Smokin Hot Paddleboard Bikini Candids

Despite my bias against paddleboards, the one good thing that has come from them is that it has gotten women like Pixie Geldof into bikinis to stand where they can clearly be seen by all.

The terrible thing about a beach is that when a girl is in the water, all of her good bits are obscured. Even when you can make out parts they are so distorted it looks like Picasso was her father. But when she is on the beach, and things are visible, there are usually so many people around that you hardly can get a good view without some beach whale ruining it for you. And I do not have the motivation to go walking around at the beach just to look at boobs when I can see better ones while sitting on my ass and looking at my phone.

The paddleboard, though, makes it so that a girl stands out above everyone. You can even pretend you’re just looking at the waves because they are beautiful, or some shit. And while the girl is out there paddling she is using all sorts of muscles, so her body looks even better than when she is just sunbathing like a dead fish.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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All The Very Best Of: Miss USA Sarah Rose Summers’ Hottest Bikini Shots

I don’t care what any famous poet says, Sarah Rose Summers is the best rose there is. There ain’t no other rose by any other name that is sweet as Sarah Rose Summers, especially when she’s wearing a bikini. And Sarah Rose Summers is always wearing a bikini.

Well, at least in my mind Sarah Rose Summers is always wearing a bikini. I’m sure she has to wear other things. After all she’s Miss USA and her duties require her to be in all different kinds of places, doing all different kinds of things, therefore she can’t run around in a two piece all the time. Or can she? Sarah Rose Summers is like American royalty. If she wanted to make a decree that says Miss USA must wear a bikini at all times, then is there anyone who can stop her? I really don’t think so. Though, I guess Sarah Rose Summers could be wearing a bikini under everything else. She could be ready to hit the sand and sun the moment she’s done. Or the pool. Any body of water really.

I don’t think we should go so far as to rename a flower for Sarah Rose Summers because some flowers really do smell like poo-poo-poo. But I do think those fancy poets should start comparing all beautiful things to Sarah Rose Summers in a bikini. If that’s even possible…

 

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Maya Jama Changing Into Her Bikini In Front Of The Cameras

From these photos it is hard to determine if Maya Jama is looking over her shoulder because she is only just then discovering there are photographers taking pictures of her ass, or because she wants to make sure they got their money shots. There is no point to changing in public if it cannot get you a little free publicity.

I know if there was anybody that wanted to get shots of my ass when I was changing I wouldn’t try to prevent them from doing so. I would definitely make sure they were getting me from the best angles, though. I would hate for people to think I had a flat ass just because I had some stubborn notion about privacy.

I do not know which side of her family Maya owes her butt genes to, I haven’t delved very far into her family tree, but I am thankful for whichever genetic lottery numbers lined up to get it to her. It doesn’t really matter what she is wearing, be it a thong or a jean skirt, there is not a fabric made by man that could hide it.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Lizzie Cundy Busty Holiday Lingerie Show In A See-Through Top

I have a feeling that the friends of Lizzie Cundy’s children always wanted to hang out at their house. She might have thought it was because they had the nicest house, or the coolest video games, but it was mainly because she thinks it is acceptable to wear outfits like this. And she is right, we do accept it. We graciously accept it. I just think we should be realistic on why.

If I had had a friend whose mom looked like that when I was growing up I would have been wondering why I couldn’t see where the Brazzers logo was. Naturally, I’d be having as many sleepovers there as I could finagle in the hopes that it would up my chances of being mentored by a mature woman. But I did not have that kind of luck.

All of my friends parents looked like had been crossbred with farm animals. They were nice as could be, bless their hearts. They just left me wanting in some areas. Even if one of them wanted to be my Mrs. Robinson it wouldn’t be like I could brag about it. Even teenagers have standards for getting laid.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Ariel Winter’s Busty Red Carpet Cleavage Dazzles and Delights

There are some things in this world that I simply don’t understand. I’m not talking about things like how airplanes work, computer phones, and other feats of technology. What I’m saying is nature, how things in the world work, that’s I have trouble wrapping my head around. Like Ariel Winter’s cleavage, how that even possible.

Don’t tell me “big boobs”. I’ve been people with big boobs who have terrible cleavage. Ariel Winter does not have terrible cleavage. She has some pretty great cleavage and it almost defies logic. I can’t make heads or tails of it. I sit in awe of Ariel Winter’s cleavage every single time I see. I don’t know how she can constantly make her cleavage look as if I’ve never seen cleavage before. I’ve seen cleavage! I’ve seen lots of cleavage! But once again Ariel Winter and a tight dress is making me dumbfounded. I don’t get it and I probably never will. I should learn how to live with not knowing the answers, but if I accept that I don’t know does that mean Ariel Winter’s cleavage will look different?

I can’t take that chance, none of us should. If you are like me and Ariel Winter’s cleavage is one of the wonders of the world to you, then keep wondering. Keep pondering Ariel Winter’s cleavage, keep staring at for hours on end, and try your damnedest to figure what makes Ariel Winter’s cleavage drive us all so crazy.

 

[Ariel Winter’s Hottest Celeb Stories Right Here]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Maya Jama Sexy Bikini Body In Mismatched Thong

Getting dressed is one of the skills I have perfected over the years. But just like with anything that you’ve done on thousands of occasions, sometimes you mess up. Luckily, Maya Jama’s wardrobe mishap is more like a wonderful accident. Which is a term my dad used to describe me, but can also definitely be applied to Maya’s mismatched bikini blunder as well. I honestly have to be reminded that her top and bottom don’t match because it’s hard to look away from such an amazing body overall. Whoever noticed must have the discipline of a monk. Because all I see is one of the best looking woman I’ve seen in awhile trying to enjoy some sun, fun and waves.

I’m going to insist that Jama makes me her clothes coach. I’d wake up early at 4 a.m. every morning and start concocting a plan on how we will win attention, hearts, and eyes with wardrobe. I’d help her practice putting on her top and bottom so when it’s game time she’s ready. She’ll never have to worry again with me on her team. We’d definitely bring home the best bikini on the beach trophy everyday.

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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The Hottest Celebs In Skimpy Outfits For The GQ Men of the Year Party

The event may be known as the GQ Men of the Year party, but no one was looking at the men last night when all of these hellaciously hot hotties were in attendance, parading their best looks for everyone in attendance. Let’s see who was there, shall we?

First up, Olivia Wilde is ravishing in a red satin pantsuit worn with just a bra under the jacket. Speaking of jacking it, Indya Moore was showing lots of sideboob while battling with Chloe Bennett for the prestigious “Who’s Most Thrilled to Be Here” prize.

The cleavage prizer of the evening has to go to musical artist Cassie, who was sporting cleavage out the wazoo. She had so much cleavage she had to export it to other parts of her body. And it’s a good thing she did because while Charlotte McKinney was certainly pretty in pink, she was definitely not showing enough cleavage.

It Follows star Maika Monroe wore a disco ball, and then we’ve got Chloe Bennett up next, whom we already mentioned is locked in mortal combat with Indya Moore for that award.

Alice Eve showed some see-through cleavage, but it’s honestly too much of a hassle for me to check her out in this outfit. Too conservative. Charli XCX likes showing lots of leg, that’s for sure. Just one of them, though, that’s plenty. Then, in a stunning turn of events, Wayne’s World legend Tia Carrere showed up to steal the prize of cleavage queen away from Cassie.

What a magical night, one we’ll never forget.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Demi Rose Parades Her New Hair And Awesome Cleavage

I’m starting to believe that Demi Rose may be more of a state of being than an actual woman. She’s clearly the deity of beauty and what a woman would look like when they’ve reached peak pretty. Or she could be a person and I’m just babbling on because I’m beyond impressed by her amazing body. Either way I’m up for more of this demigoddess in the wowzer dress. Which is pretty interesting because I typically stay away from women with colorful hair. I feel like if they nod their head too fast I may suffer a seizure from the quick movement and color combo. But I’d risk epileptic shock for her.

It’s hard to decide what I like best about Rose. Everything about her is elegant. She makes me want to get giant tracing paper just to sketch her silhouette to look at in my spare time. I know there’s crazy theories that get made up over time. Like people that say we’ve never been to space or that the Earth is flat. But there’s one theory that can be easily disproven every time. And that theory is Demi Rose being just an average woman. The proof that she isn’t one is clearly seen in her perfection.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Gisele Bundchen Wearing Just A Satin Sheet

I’m always hearing people say that you don’t need much to make Gisele Bundchen look sexy. Well, those people are correct. Here she is wearing a sheet and nothing else and damn it, she’s sexy as all hell. Kind of crazy to think that there is someone out there who make a sheet look sexy.

Well, I guess it ain’t the sheet that is sexy, more like the idea of there being little to nothing between all of us and seeing a nude Gisele Bundchen. That thought has my whole body tingling. I guess that’s why you don’t much of anything to make Gisele Bundchen. She’s just so damn hot she makes you feel like you’re climbing the rope in gym class. And if you never did that, it feels like you’re looking at a picture of Gisele Bundchen in a sheet and nothing else. Being a lover of Gisele Bundchen in lingerie, I wasn’t sure if she would get any sexier than that, but I might have to start dreaming about Gisele Bundchen walking the runway in a sheet instead of some sexy lingerie.

As long as Gisele Bundchen appears to me when my eyes are closed, I think I’ll sleep great. I might have some issues getting to sleep because from now when I crawl into bed and pull the sheet up, I’m going to be thinking about Gisele Bundchen in a sheet.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Real Housewife Luanna de Lesseps’s Banging Bikini Body

Luann de Lesseps was able to fulfill the fantasy of every woman’s childhood by marrying a freaking Count. I know that does not hold quite the same weight as marrying a prince, but I think the title of Countess sounds way more badass than princess. And Luann was able to continue carrying the title of Countess even after their divorce.

Luann could have kept on using that title indefinitely if she had she not chosen to get remarried. What makes that so tragic is that the second marriage ended in divorce as well! I don’t know if there is anyone out there that could make me think I am so in love with them that I’d be willing to give up the title of Count, even if the title is just a farce.

It would probably be best that I make it a policy to only marry women with titles that are greater than or equal to the previous wife’s. That way I won’t run into any of this nasty drama. I have so many countesses and duchesses chasing after me it could become a very sticky situation.

 

 

 

Photo Credit: Splash News 

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Pamela Anderson Hard Nipple Pokies On The Red Carpet

With all of the boob augmenting that has gone on over the years I am surprised I haven’t heard anything about a procedure to make nips hard all the time.

One of the prime reasons for getting a boob job is to get more eye traffic going that way, and they hope to spur that on by increasing size. But a couple of hard nips are an easy way to get looks as well. If a doc made it possible to keep nips hard regardless of the temp then I feel like that would be a cost effective way to achieve that outcome.

I guess all the money in the research and development side of making things hard has been funneled into erectile dysfunction remedies. This is one case where I am not upset about dicks taking precedent over boobs.

Besides, a couple of nipple piercings can do just as well at simulating hardness, and they are a lot cheaper than any surgery. Any drunk girl with a safety pin can perform that operation, you just need to make sure some of that alcohol gets used towards sanitizing everything.

 

[Pam Anderson’s Hottest Stories Right Over Here]

Photo Credit: Splash News / Backgrid USA / MEGA / Getty Images 

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Gigi Hadid, Halle Berry, And All The Italian Models From The 2019 Pirelli Calendar

It’s funny to think that in the year 2019, we’re still excited about a tire calendar. Calendars have more or less fallen by the wayside in the last few years, but the Pirelli Calendar just keeps cranking them out, and this year’s assortment features some major league hotties.

Kicking things off is Gigi Hadid, who looks stunning in an Old Hollywood style frilly dress. Margareth Made is up next, looking red hot in a red dress that might just scorch you if you’re not careful! Ballerina Misty Copeland is looking peek-a-beautiful in a peek-a-boo dress. See what I did there? Yes, being clever is working out nicely for me, thanks for asking.

Isabeli Fontana shimmers in silver, making her look like a sparkling sprite, and then we finally get some Halle Berry going on in our lives. She’s definitely got some voodoo shit going because she looks amazing year after year. It would be depressing if it weren’t so god damned hot!

There’s also some bonus hotness from Laetitia Casta, who always brings the best blend of beauty to any event. It was one to remember and one that might make me call my local tire outlet to purchase a calendar!

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Margot Robbie And The Celeb Hotties On The ‘Mary Queen of Scots’ Red Carpet

Everyone’s getting pumped for the cinematic event of this year’s Oscar season: Mary Queen of Scots, bringing with it a glorious showdown between certified hotties Margot Robbie and Saoirse Ronan. The film’s premiere was held last night and it was a veritable who’s who of hotties in Hollywood.

Kicking things off, of course, is star Margot Robbie, who was looking stunning in a shimmery gown. Next up is Claire Danes, who’s not involved in the film as far as I can tell, but it’s nice to see her showing up and showing off some cleavage.

Margot’s co-star, fellow Oscar nominee Saoirse Ronan, was looking incredible in a low cut dress with a frilly collar. She looks like one of those lizards. Also not in the film is AnnaSophia Robb, who was looking far too dressed up for the occasion. She looks like she’s going to a Shaft cosplay party after the premiere. Sara Sampaio was also there and way too dressed up. Come on ladies, let loose, it’s a movie premiere. Let your hair down and your cleavage out!

Anyway, I’m not going to see this movie, and you’re probably not either, so let’s just keep looking at these pictures and pretending we saw the movie. Sounds like a plan to me.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Madison Beer’s Lesbian Tongue Kiss With Model Claudia Tihan

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If you’re anything like me, you read the phrase “tongue kiss” and think of only one thing…

One of the funniest two minutes in the history of mankind. God bless Ham Hands Bill, and god bless the tongue kissing Madison Beer and Claudia Tihan are engaging in. It’s a glorious thing and I couldn’t be happier to see a sweet, long, nice, deep lesbian tongue kiss, especially when it’s Madison Beer and Claudia Tihan.

Seeing that tongue break the surface of her lips and going in her mouth is one of the sexiest things you’ll see today. Probably all week, I mean, we’re not quite over the hump yet so I don’t want to call it early, but holy hannah it’s gonna be tough to top this lesbian tongue kiss.

I still hate Madison Beer’s name, it still sounds to me like a derogatory term Milwaukeeans use to describe watery ale. But I love the way she tongue kisses Claudia Tihan. Almost as much as I love Ham Hands’ ode to Robin. I could listen to that on a loop. And if you’re a Stern fan, I nearly crashed my car the first time I heard this because I was laughing so hard…

Photo Credit: Splash News / Backgrid USA / Instagram 

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Kim Kardashian’s Busty Curves On Versace Red Carpet

You know what I like about art? Like really good art? Like a painting hung in a famous museum where if you stand there for too long looking at the art a security asks you to leave? What I like most about great art is you don’t know where to look, your eyes move all around to make sure you catch everything. That’s what I think when I see Kim Kardashian on the red carpet.

Kim Kardashian in a tight dress, flashing those curves, and flaunting that cleavage, I don’t know where to begin. All I know is what I to take it all in, capture every single little detail about what makes Kim Kardashian and her body so sexy. Just like those fancy paintings, it’s not just one thing. It’s the collection, the overall, it’s the small details that make it great. Then again, there ain’t nothing small about Kim Kardashian. I don’t mean that in a mean way, all I’m getting at is Kim Kardashian doesn’t do small. She always goes big or goes home and even when she goes home she’s big. And by big, I mean sexy.

Take your time with Kim Kardashian on the red carpet, no one is going to come over and ask you to move along. Kim Kardashian’s sexy body deserve a nice, long, hard look, just like all great art.

[Kim K Riding An Elephant In A Sexy Little Top]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Pink Christmas 3

Silje Roos posted a photo:

Pink Christmas 3

I'm soon to be in the magazine dagbladet who are read by people all over Norway. I'm talking about Schizofrenia and mental illness who is an important part of me. But it's still not many people who come forward with Schizofrenia in the news, so therefor I accepted her request that she wanted to write an article about me and my illness.

Cardi B’s Inexplicable Tiger Body Paint Twerking Candids

Not knowing who Cardi B is really and not knowing the sort of antics she’s usually getting up to, I have no idea if this latest stunt by Cardi B is attention seeking behavior at its strangest, or just another day at the office for her.

I mean, I can’t imagine that your average, run of the mill person who wants no attention at all would paint tiger stripes all over themselves and then twerk away like it’s 2012. Perhaps there was a music video being produced, or perhaps this was just another Monday for Cardi B. Who can say for sure?

One thing I’ll say is that if this is indeed just a regular schmegular day for Cardi B, then she is undoubtably one of the craziest human beings alive. I can understand this sort of thing if you’re in production or just trying to get the cameras attention, but this is not everyday behavior.

Maybe that’s what everyone likes about Cardi B, she’s not a run of the mill woman. Someone like me, on the other hand, looks at these pictures and just thinks, “That woman looks exhausting.” Different strokes, as they say.

[Go See All The Wild Body Paint Photos Right Over Here]

Photo Credit: MEGA 

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Hailee Steinfeld and All the Hottest Actresses From the ‘Bumblebee’ World Premiere

Man, are you guys excited about Bumblebee or what? It’s going to be the Transformers cinematic event of the year, and no, that’s not just because it’s the only Transformers movie this year, okay? Well, maybe it is, but there’s no denying it’s a big event for people that still care about movies where various vehicles turn into giant robots.

Now, as far as I can tell, Hailee Steinfeld is the only one of these ladies who is actually in the film, but she did look super sexy in a plunging neckline and a painful looking variation on fishnet stockings. It’s a sexy look but I do worry about her legs and any potential circulation issues that may arise from wearing those things.

Katja Krasavice is most assuredly not listed in the cast of the film on imdb. I know that’s not gospel truth or anything, but Katja Krasavice doesn’t have any credits on imdb. See for yourself. Luisa Wietzorek, on the other hand, has plenty of credits on imdb, but none of them are in English and, more importantly, none of them are Bumblebee.

Were they just rounding up people in the streets for this premiere or what? Where even are they? This can’t be America. I’m so confused.

Photo Credit: Getty Images / Backgrid USA 

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Gigi Hadid’s New Cleavage Model Shots Are Sexy As Ever

If Gigi was trying to prove she is as attractive as Michelle Pfeiffer, then mission accomplished. In Scarface Michelle was wearing plunging necklines with no bra in nearly every scene. I have no criticisms in regards to Michelle’s face, the thing is damn near perfect, but her boobs leave a little bit to be wanting. And that is why I am happy to see Gigi picking up the torch.

Gigi seems to have just a bit more going on up top than Michelle did, and that little bit of mass makes a hell of a difference. Rather than being a loosey goosey top, the fabric gets pulled taut by the filling, making for a much more pleasing sight.

I do not know who made Gigi Hadid feel so self-conscious that she had to prove to everyone that she was no second fiddle to Michelle, but I thank them for their mind games. Now my advent calendar of cleavage is off to a hell of a good start. I gave up the calendars with sweets years ago because they lost their appeal, and I replaced them with more women. I hope they are one sweet I never lose a taste for.

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Chantel Jeffries Perfect Bikini Body And She Know It

Either it is not very warm at that beach or the soles of Chantel Jeffries’s feet are made out of leather, because she is walking over that sand like the terminator after locating its target. A true test of a man’s manhood is when he takes a woman to the beach. He has the choice to be honest about how much the hot sand hurts or he can take after Chantel and act like he hasn’t felt an emotion since his father abandoned the family when he was four years old.

The latter option is a popular choice. Not because it is easy to overcome such pain, it is just that it is easier than gaining back the respect of the woman. Once she has seen you prance around looking for the spots in the sand that might be slightly cooler she is going to know exactly the kind o man that you are. Which is to say the kind of man that won’t get out of bed to see what the sound was in the middle of the night.

“I don’t know what it was, Sara. You’re the one with the good ears. Why don’t you go check it out. The murderer could sneak up on me.”

 

 

Photo Credit: Splash News

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Grace J Teal Ultra-Distracting Pool Shark Cleavage

I love pool. My first thought when anyone mentions pool is the one with water. And since Grace J Teal has brought her bikini, it seems like she thought the same thing. Great minds think alike. No water, no problem. There’s just as much fun to be had shooting some 8-ball. There may not be any tanning and drying off with towels, but all you really need to have an amazing time is a great bikini and a great attitude.

I wonder if Grace is actually good at playing pool. I see she has excellent form on her fancy trick shot. Maybe she could hold me close and show me a thing or two. You know what they say, there’s always room for improvement. And as long as Grace is the instructor, I’ll never run out of room for learning. She looks like an absolute professional with the way she handles a stick and balls. I’m eager to get started. I’d even be fine watching her play by herself for the first round. I often switch between being a visual learner and hands-on. So a simulated scenario would be perfect for the first time, and then some hands on guidance to get the job done for the second time would be appreciated.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA / Splash News 

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Model Curves On Dua Lipa, Bebe Rexha, And All The Sexiest Celebs Sharing The Variety Red Carpet

There are so few celebrities that really wow me anymore, but this Variety red carpet event managed to bring some jaw-dropping beauties out in force, and I couldn’t be more wowed if I tried. Let’s dig in, shall we?

First up is Dua Lipa, who I’ve never been unreasonably attracted to, but who looked positively radiant at this event. She’s sparkling, in no small part thanks to her sparkly outfit that manages to cover too much and be revealing at the same time.

Australian singer Betty Who is up next, rocking a classic pantsuit with no shirt underneath. She may remind you of P!nk and that’s okay, I think that’s totally what she’s going for, and she’s dead sexy while proving imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

I had never heard of Cleopatra Bernard before today, but call me Mark Antony because I’ve fallen hard for Cleopatra! Bebe Rexha was bronzed and beautiful, baring a tasteful amount of skin! There’s plenty more for you to say “wow” about in this gallery, so get ready to keep picking your jaw up off the ground, because this event was jam packed with wowzapoppin’ babes all showing off what makes them so hot in the first place.

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Madison Beer’s Revealing Outfit Shows Off Extra Sexy Cleavage

I don’t always ogle Beer, but when I do, I prefer Madison. She’s the most interesting woman in the world to look at. And thanks to her most recent outfits, my interest in her has not only been sparked, but has been set ablaze with intrigue. I have more than a few inquiries when it comes to Madison. Like, “what is heaven like?” And will you give god a high-five for me when you go back to visit. Because there’s no way that Beer isn’t an angel. I don’t know where she’s hiding her wings, but she’s doing a darn good job concealing those puppies.

What I’m having a hard time concealing is my feelings for her. I’m madly in love with what Madison is wearing. It’s doing a lot without doing too much. Because I think women can be classy and dress extremely attractive at the same time. Beer is the perfect paradigm of that balance. There’s not too many women who can pull off looking like they’re ready for bed and ready for a night out at the same time. I’d like to party with her until it’s time to tuck her in.

 

Photo Credit: MEGA / Backgrid USA / Splash News 

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Bella Hadid Poses In Gorgeous Little Lingerie In Victoria’s Secret Bra

I do not think they could have done anything to make Bella Hadid’s legs look longer aside from sticking her on those stilts I see Uncle Sam on every year in the 4th of July parade. Less people would have probably seen that as sexy, though. I am not in agreement with that notion, but who am I to say that is wrong?

High-waisted underwear paired with high-heeled boots that reach up to her knees are a surefire way to get me to question her paternity. She is more likely to have descended from a lineage of giraffes than anything else.

My ex-girlfriend had me thinking I was being paranoid by being jealous of her interaction with the giraffe at the zoo, but now I am not so sure. I knew I was right for not trusting those stilt goats. They’ll wait until your back is turned and then move in on your girl. The worst part is they do not even need to do any climbing to get in your girl’s window. It’s right at eye-level. There is nothing you can do to get out of their reach.

 

 

Photo Credit: Instagram 

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Jhene Aiko Hits The Beach Solo In Animal Print Thong

It must be tough for celebrities to go incognito when they are covered in visible tattoos. Wearing a hat and sunglasses might be enough to cast some doubt in any spotter’s mind, but when you have ink, you have clear identifiers.

Even though I am not famous, I have found my tattoos holding me back in similar ways. If I ever follow through on robbing a bank I am going to have to make sure I wear long sleeves, otherwise the cops will pick me up in a day. That’s a big deal.

What’s the point of robbing anyone if I can’t look cool wearing a sleeveless shirt that shows off my massive arms? I’d have been like, “That’s right, ladies. This revolver isn’t the only gun I brought to this rodeo.” It would have been awesome, but my stupid tattooist ruined that career path for me.

I hope Jhene Aiko did not have similar criminal aspirations of being a bikini bandit, because that would just make this whole situation even more depressing. Maybe she can have the consolation of wearing a skinsuit with a bikini over it.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Ariel Winter Sheer Slip Dress Displays Her Fabulous Figure

I guess the gym is good for more than just a photo session, because all of Ariel Winter’s hard work there is clearly paying off. She is at that fit-thick point which is so hot right now.

I bet that slip is super comfortable as well. It is almost like she is wearing a more practical Snuggie, because this one won’t be falling off her shoulders, or showing her bare ass when she stands up. I’ll never make that mistake again. They say you can only lose someone’s respect once, but the look in my father’s eyes after that made it clear that I beat the odds.

I wish I had a better wardrobe that was considered both comfortable and stylish. Everything I own seems to fall on radically different ends of the fashion spectrum. I tried wearing athletic pants with a dress shirt, but people kept giving me grief over it. I wasn’t aware people were so against the employed slacker look. So rather than mixing and matching, these clothing bigots have me either looking like Mark Zuckerberg or Don Draper. But not a hot Don Draper.

 

 

[Ariel Winter’s Hottest Shots Right Here]

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA 

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Beautiful Girl Jaipur

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Beautiful Girl Jaipur

Who’s Hottest Threesome: VS Angels Edition With Josephine Skriver, Elsa Hosk, and Jasmine Tookes

I am in way over my head on this one, but I guess that’s what I get for lying on my application. At least the repercussions of this lie are not going to be as serious as the brief time I spent at that children’s hospital.

I think I am going to have to take a short break to ingest some alcohol. I am always more judgmental when I have a heavy buzz going.

Didn’t work. Now I’m just drunk and want to ask for a threesome.

Every one of these women’s faces is perfect, so there won’t be any decisions to be made in that arena. And their bodies are all perfect, so no scales are going to be tipped from them either.

Fuck it. I’ll give the win to Josephine Skriver, because I like her shirt. Most women would have gone for the easy points by wearing a plaid skirt since they all know guys haven’t grown out of their teenaged fantasies. Instead, she chose throw it on her upstairs, not even as a flannel either. Jasmine looks like she made her shirt out of a motel’s duvet, and Elsa couldn’t even be bothered to get out of her bed. I can’t reward that behavior.

 

 

Photo Credit: Backgrid USA

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